The Secret Diaries of Alfred Pennyworth
by The-Riddler95
Summary: Alfred Pennyworth is a lot of things. He's a butler, a fighter, a lawman, and the caretaker for a collection of kids that's only growing. He has a lot of bottled up feelings that he writes down in his handy-dandy diary. So when Gotham's most mischievous get their hands on it, what will be revealed about the best butler in Gotham?
1. Love and Tight Pants

_Alfred the butler had gone to Metropolis to visit his sick uncle, and had left Jim Gordon in charge of Bruce and Cat. Jim, being busy with police work, had left Edward Nygma in charge of the kids. At first, he declined, but the Jim told him, "It'll be really hard. It's kind of a riddle," Ed had dropped his 'date' with Kristen Kringle and headed straight to Wayne Manor._

 _Except a new adventure awaited the kids. Alfred had told them never to go in his room, and now that he was gone, Cat could find all the new treasures in Alfred's sleeping quarters. One day, they happened to stumble on Alfred's diary._

 _"_ _Oh my god, it's Alfred's diary!" Selina yelped, jumping with glee._

 _Bruce stared quizzically. "Diaries are private though. Shouldn't we leave it alone?"_

 _"_ _No way. I want to know what the old man thinks of me. Don't you?"_

 _"_ _I suppose."_

 _Cat flipped through the pages of the diary, trying to find her name. "Oh, look here. It's my first day at the mansion!"_

Dear Diary,

A big surprise occurred today when Detective Gordon arrived at the mansion. I trusted the good detective, and he had proven to be a good friend, but I didn't know what to expect when he carried in a police sketch of what was supposedly Master Bruce's parent's killer. Master Bruce talked to Detective Gordon for a little bit, and then called me in.

They had told me they got the sketch from a witness, and that she had to stay with us. I had done a pretty good job with Master Bruce, so I thought I could handle one more kid. I agreed, and that's when things went wrong.

I walked in with Master Bruce to meet her, as she was playing in our hallway. As soon as she came into view, Master Bruce put an arm out and told me to stay put. I didn't know why, but two minutes after he walked over to her and back, he was unable to blink. I asked what was wrong, but he couldn't say anything. Perhaps she had given him rabies?

I took one look at the girl and immediately thought of throwing her back on the streets. Her name was Miss Kyle, and she looked like trouble. She wore black leather that had been torn, and was so tight I was surprised she could breathe. Her hair was scruffy and her eyes had crazy in them, and I turned away when she referred to me as 'Old Man.'

Later that day, I saw Master Bruce lying on our couch with his notebooks out. He was smiling like an idiot and doodling in his notebooks. It had been a while since Master Bruce smiled like that, so I walked over and asked what he was up to. He instantly pulled his notebook away so I couldn't see the pages. That worried me. He was probably thinking about his parents again and was worried I would scream at him. He called it nothing and simply left, but left the notebook on the table. I picked it up and flipped to the newest page.

I was wrong. Instead of the monsters and gory images I was used to, I was greeted with something much worse. Master Bruce had doodled things like _Selina Wayne,_ and _Bruce Wayne-Kyle,_ and even a picture of himself and Miss Kyle holding hands inside of a heart.

My worst nightmares had come true. Master Bruce had been taken in by Miss Kyle's mischievous attitude and overly-tight hipster pants. I had to do something or Thomas Wayne would haunt me in my sleep at night, so I found Master Bruce sitting alone at the kitchen table and approached him. Once again, he was staring dreamily at the wall and smiling, humming a small tune that I later found out to be the love theme from Titanic.

"Master Bruce?" I asked. "Is something the matter?"

"Nothing." he said, and I was about to turn away when he whispered, "Do you know anything about girls, Alfred?"

I turned slowly and hesitantly as if facing a serial killer, and tentatively asked, "Why do you ask?"

Master Bruce motioned me closer and whispered in my ear, "I kind of like Selina."

I froze in my steps, backing away slowly and fearing for my life. That was it. The ghost of Thomas Wayne was going to murder me in my sleep. I slowly tried to distract Master Bruce. "Why are you telling me?"

"Do you think she likes me?"

That was my chance. I broke into a run back up the stairs and up to my bedroom, where I was greeted with Miss Kyle rummaging through my personal belongings. I screamed at her to get out, and she strutted out the door of my room smiling and said, "Whatever you say, Old Man."

 **In case you're wondering, this isn't part of the Bruce and Cat stories, but you can pretend it is for a little comic relief. I have a bunch of really funny ideas and I'm really excited about this becoming a thing for my page. Enjoy!**


	2. Bruce's First Date

_"_ _Awwww!" Selina gasped, reading through the first entry._

 _Bruce pulled at his shirt collar, blushing and sweating. "Alfred probably knew we were going to read this and put that in as a prank."_

 _Selina smiled and planted a kiss on Bruce's cheek, making him turn redder than he'd ever been. "I love you too, kid."_

 _"_ _Just keep reading." Bruce stuttered, trying to calm down._

Dear Diary,

Today Master Bruce and Miss Kyle asked me if they could go out into town and bond with each other. I, having a much more mature definition in mind of the word _bond,_ declined. The ghost of Thomas Wayne went easy on me last night, but I would for sure be struck by lightning if Master Bruce returned to the mansion with tight black leather pants, mascara, and a tattoo. Then the two started pleading and Master Bruce told me his parents would want him to be a normal child after something as traumatizing as their death.

I finally told them I agreed, as long as they kept a minimum of three feet apart at all times and no makeup was applied. They nodded and skipped out the door, and I started a nap on the couch. There, I had a nightmare where Master Bruce was wearing a black leather vest and had a Mohawk, and was smoking crack with Miss Kyle and dancing to dubstep music. I jolted awake and decided I had to follow them.

As fast as I could, I jumped into the Wayne's old car and headed off for downtown where Master Bruce and Miss Kyle were headed. I couldn't find them at first since the road was crowded with cars and children. Then, right in the middle of the street, a small girl with long dirty red hair and a long green sweater stood with her hand out, and I had to stop to prevent her getting ran over.

I honked the horn, but she didn't move. I had to get out of the car and talk to her.

"Excuse me, young lady." I said. "Where are your parents?"

"I'm a friend of Cat." She growled, her voice high and her face grumpy. "She told me an angry British butler was following them and to stop him. You're angry and British, but are you a butler?"

I thought it best to lie. The girl didn't seem too bright. "Umm, no. I'm a lumberjack."

"Lumberjacks cut down trees and destroy the planet." the little girl growled, before stepping on my foot rather roughly and exiting onto the sidewalk. I began to wonder if there were any decent kids in Gotham.

I hopped back into the car and continued downtown to look for Master Bruce. I drove around for a bit near some food stands where I figured they would be. That's when I saw the two of them.

Master Bruce was lying on his back on the grass, outstretched, and Miss Kyle was leaned over on him with her mouth on his. I yelled as loudly as I could and stormed out of the car, running up to them and demanding an explanation.

Master Bruce, disheveled and blue in the face, pointed to the hot dog stand nearby. "I bought us hot dogs and I started choking on one. Cat was trying to save me."

Miss Kyle, face red and sweating, backed up his story. "My mom taught me mouth to mouth when I was little. I'm also certified in CPR and first aid."

I looked at them both, and they stood there pretending to be angels. I supposed it wasn't completely unlikely Miss Kyle was trained in mouth to mouth; a street kid might have had to learn to survive. The piece of chewed up hot dog on the floor nearby certainly supported their story, so I let it slide. I told the two it was time to go home and to get in the car, while I went to the nearby hot dog stand to get a meal myself.

I ordered one, and the vendor started to prepare it. There must have been orders on the way, since he was taking an eternity. In an effort to strike up a conversation and kill the awkward silence, I asked him, "Busy day?"

"No, actually." he said. "You're my first customer today."

I turned around, furious, looking for Master Bruce and Miss Kyle, but by then they were nowhere to be seen.

 **Hope you enjoyed, I take suggestions so if you have an idea you can put it in a review. If I like it, it might become a chapter!**


	3. Cat's Revenge

_Bruce and Cat both sighed with memories, and Bruce had an idea._

 _"_ _Hey, do you want to show Ivy?" he asked._

 _Cat laughed hysterically. "Yeah, she'd find this hilarious."_

 _Bruce was ready to leave when Cat flipped to the next entry and started laughing uproariously. Bruce asked her what it was, and she showed him._

 _He blushed the entire time._

Dear Diary,

Today was a particularly lively day. Master Bruce decided to go into town to visit Detective Gordon, saying he had some new evidence about his parents. He liked to be left alone when he found things like that, so I left him alone to go into town. I waved goodbye and he left, leaving Miss Kyle playing upstairs.

Unfortunately, a few minutes after, Miss Kyle ran down from the upstairs and asked me, "Hey, where's Bruce?"

I didn't want to answer, but I decided to be cordial and said, "Master Bruce has gone into town to visit Detective Gordon."

Apparently, Miss Kyle didn't like my answer. "What? He told me he was going downstairs to get a drink! I've been waiting for my diet soda for hours!"

"He's been gone twenty minutes, Miss Kyle."

Miss Kyle growled, scrunching up her face and getting angrier, but then started to smile and I immediately got nervous as to what she was going to do. I watched her skip upstairs, then took the time to check around the tables and chairs for any drugs she might have placed.

She had been gone for the rest of the afternoon. Master Bruce returned half an hour after looking quite depressed, and I knew better than to get him to talk about his day. He skipped lunch, and instead went straight upstairs to take a shower. I started to prepare a dinner for him when a few minutes after, there was a scream from the bathroom.

Detective Gordon had warned me about assassins coming for Miss Kyle to get her to keep quiet about the Wayne murders, so I ran upstairs as quickly as I could and saw the bathroom door closed. I yelled inside what was going on, and Master Bruce answered me in a rather hushed tone.

"Alfred, I need help." he whispered.

"What is it, Master Bruce?"

Master Bruce stuttered a bit, and then said, "I think Selina took my clothes."

I nodded, confused and exasperated, then muttered, "Okay then."

"Can you make sure she stays downstairs so I can get to my room?"

I headed downstairs and looked for Miss Kyle. I looked in the kitchen and the living room and the study, but she was nowhere to be found. Then it occurred to me that after she went upstairs before, she hadn't gone back down. I looked a little bit more, then I heard another scream from upstairs a few minutes later, this time in the direction of Master Bruce's bedroom.

Once again, I ran upstairs to see what the matter was, and I completely wished I hadn't. I really have to take screams less seriously.

Master Bruce, still wet and not wearing anything, was frantically trying to hide himself behind a curtain, while Miss Kyle stood in front of him, leaning against a bedpost and holding his clothes in her hands, laughing like a demon. I decided the best thing to do was nothing, so I backed away and went back downstairs to let the children handle it themselves.

Again, a few minutes after, Master Bruce came down to the kitchen, hair still wet and face as red as a tomato, and asked me for a diet soda. I asked him why, and he simply whispered, "Selina really likes diet soda"


	4. Bruce's First Dance

_"_ _Okay, now we can show Ivy." Cat said, smirking._

 _Bruce, now blushing, nodded and started to head downstairs._

 _They would've gotten down, but their babysitter, Edward Nygma, had caught them red handed._

 _"_ _What are you two doing?" he asked, looking up from his book of riddles._

 _Cat and Bruce stopped in their tracks and slowly turned. Ed looked from above his glasses at the kids who smiled trying not to look guilty._

 _He asked again, "Where are you going? That's not a riddle."_

 _Selina answered first. "We were going to visit a friend."_

 _"_ _Who?"_

 _"_ _Ivy."_

 _Ed didn't like Ivy. The last time he met her, she was with Selina. Ivy screamed at him for an entire hour until he stopped eating his chicken salad and stepped on his foot for using a plastic fork._

 _Bruce handed Ed the diary, and he looked through it, stopping at an entry and staring at the two kids bewildered._

Dear Diary,

Today saw my unfortunate return to the piano. I hadn't played in years, since I joined the military. Master Bruce didn't seem to need me, so I went to sit at the piano in the study and pressed some keys. I hadn't played in forever, but the piano is like riding a bike. I tried an old song I learned that I never forgot, the Girl from Ipanema.

Sadly, Miss Kyle had heard me playing. She crept up behind me and tapped on my shoulder.

She asked for the name of the song. I told her, then she nodded and asked if she could make me perform it for some people.

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know. I just haven't heard any music in a while."

She bothered me for a good half hour until I finally agreed. She made the performance at six o'clock later that day and proceeded up to Master Bruce's bedroom. I decided to brush up on my playing. The question had reminded me of the piano recitals of my childhood, and my mother making me practise all day before a recital. I forgot how much I hated the piano.

A thumping came from Master Bruce's room, followed by the yelling and screaming of Master Bruce and Miss Kyle and the sound of the two falling over and over again for at least a few hours until it stopped and I could concentrate. The door was locked, so I made lunch for myself.

Then six o'clock came, and a knock at our door beckoned me to answer.

Detective Gordon and Detective Bullock were at the door to my surprise, and my hopes rose for a split second that they were going to take Miss Kyle to an orphanage.

"Alfred," Detective Gordon said, "Selina called. She said you weren't feeding her and made her sleep in a cupboard under the stairs."

I knew it must have been one of Miss Kyle's prank phone calls, and invited them in so she could apologize. She wasn't out yet. Next, Miss Pepper, the girl I had met on the street the other day, came through the door and entered without permission. Finally, Miss Kyle and Master Bruce came out of the bedroom.

Miss Kyle was dressed in one of Martha Wayne's finest purple gowns that Master Bruce had tried to keep himself from ogling at. He himself was wearing a tuxedo and tie.

I stormed up to them demanding what was going on.

Miss Kyle replied quite shamelessly, "You said you were going to perform. I invited an audience."

I didn't want to threaten her in front of two policemen, and instead sat down at the piano bench and started playing for the audience. That's when things started getting weird.

As soon as I started the song, Miss Kyle and Master Bruce started dancing. I stopped playing, but Miss Kyle insisted on me continuing. Miss Kyle danced quite enthusiastically around Master Bruce. He was trying to keep up, but appeared not to know the steps, stumbling a few times and blushing. The two spun around each other and ended with Master Bruce dipping Miss Kyle, her grinning like a maniac.

The detectives started their slow clapping while Miss Pepper applauded like it was the best show on earth. As fast as I could, I dismissed the guests out the door, and was unfortunate enough to overhear the conversation Master Bruce and Miss Kyle had afterwards.

"You never told me why you wanted to do this." Said Master Bruce.

"I didn't. I just wanted to see what you would do for me."

For the rest of the day, Master Bruce locked himself in his bedroom doodling love sketches in his notebooks and blushing non-stop.


	5. Girl's Night In

_Edward stared at the children confused for a while, and they stared back at him. He tried to look like an adult, but he couldn't stop thinking about Cat and Bruce ballroom dancing with each other. Finally, he closed the book in his hands and asked,_

 _"_ _Will it be educational?"_

 _Bruce and Cat stared at each other for a while, and then both nodded and replied, "Yes."_

 _Edward gave up and threw his hands in the air. "Don't tell Alfred."_

 _Bruce and Cat both grinned and skipped out the door while Ed slumped back onto the couch, wondering why the little billionaire had a more active love life than him._

 _They knew Ivy was going to be at the hospital stealing food off the patients, so they walked over, but were stopped halfway by Montoya and Allen._

 _Montoya grabbed Selina by her hoodie and Bruce by the back of his sweater vest._

 _"_ _Do you two have a legal guardian?" she asked._

 _"_ _Mmmhmm…" Selina smiled, as Bruce tried wriggling free._

 _Allen crossed his arms. "Is he with you?"_

 _Cat shook her head, still smiling innocently. "Mmm mmm."_

 _Montoya sighed. "Alright, well we have to escort you back to Wayne manor."_

 _"_ _Wait!" Bruce yelled, holding up the diary. "Do you know who Alfred Pennyworth is?"_

 _"_ _Yeah. What about him?"_

 _"_ _Would you let us go if I let you peek in his diary?"_

 _Montoya and Allen both looked at each other, and Montoya raised her eyebrow just the slightest bit._

Dear Diary,

Today was a relatively ordinary day, actually. I had almost thought Miss Kyle had run out of ruffian antics to play out. She actually behaved all throughout breakfast and lunch, other than drinking our entire carton of milk and trying to get Master Bruce to join in her obsession. I still don't know if she was faking to get me to leave the house, or if she really, really, really likes milk.

Then, halfway through lunch, Miss Kyle exclaimed, "We should have a sleepover!"

The surprise made Master Bruce gag a bit on his soup, and I had to pat him on the back a few times before asking her what she was talking about.

"I mean, I should invite some friends over and have a girl's night in!"

I wasn't sure about it. We hardly had any guests over at Wayne manor and the last person I wanted in the manor was someone like Miss Kyle. I really wasn't sure how much more Master Bruce's hormones could take. But then she got Master Bruce in on the idea, and Master Bruce again told me his parents would have wanted him to have friends and be happy if they were still alive.

I'm beginning to think Master Bruce isn't as upset about his parents as he's letting on.

I okayed it, and the two lads immediately gulped down the rest of lunch and headed straight to the basement to pick out movies and snacks. I immediately began to regret my decision.

The time came when the sun went down, and the doorbell rang. Miss Kyle yelled at me to open the door, saying it was her guests. I opened it, and I saw Miss Pepper and two other girls, all looking like they were from the streets and would give Master Bruce rabies. Giving a great big sigh in the hopes they would hear, get offended, and leave, I slowly opened the door and they came in, growling at me slightly. They headed straight up to Master Bruce's room, and I collapsed onto the couch. I was too tired to deal with any mischief that night.

Only twenty minutes after, Master Bruce came downstairs to me looking quite concerned.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Master Bruce sighed, rather worried. "The girls want to watch Mean Girls."

I took a deep breath, annoyed. "It's not the worst movie in the world. I suggest you do what they want."

With a worried look, Master Bruce sighed and ran upstairs.

Only thirty minutes after that, Master Bruce came downstairs to me looking quite concerned.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Master Bruce sighed, rather worried. "The girls want to give me a makeover."

I took a deep breath, annoyed. "It's not the worst thing in the world. I suggest you do what they want."

With a worried look, Master Bruce sighed and ran upstairs.

Only half an hour after, Master Bruce came downstairs wearing a mini-skirt and light blue mascara and stood in front of me looking quite concerned.

"What's wrong?" I asked, beginning to back slowly away.

Master Bruce sighed, rather worried. "The girls want to use me for kissing practise."

I'd had enough. I stormed upstairs and swung the door open as fast as I could to find Miss Kyle, the other girls, and Master Bruce pelting me with pillows, glitter, and popcorn. All I saw was a glittery mess of popcorn until I slipped on a pillow and fell on my back, to the hysteretic laughter of the kids in the room. I was trying to stand, but the girls had pinned me down with pillows and sparkles when Master Bruce asked Miss Kyle,

"You weren't really going to use me for kissing practise, were you?"

The last thing I saw before I crawled away was Miss Kyle grinning.


	6. Assassin Drills (Crossover!)

**Heeeyyyyy guys, so this is new. Have you guys read 'Things I'm Not Allowed To Do While I'm At Wayne Manor?' It is personally one of my favorite stories on the website, and the author of Things I'm Not Allowed to Do While I'm At Wayne Manor was so nice as to do a crossover chapter with me. I'm doing a diary entry based one on a rule from FanWriter83's story, and the vice versa is happening with Things I'm Not Allowed to Do While I'm At Wayne Manor. Be sure to check that out, and say I sent you!**

 _Montoya and Allen were laughing their heads off, and Bruce took the opportunity to wink at Cat and the two of them left the laughing detectives and headed off towards the hospital._

 _Cat pointed to a dumpster in the hospital parking lot and the kids saw Ivy, sitting in the corner talking to a flower and eating a bagel._

 _Ivy looked up from her flower to see Cat and Bruce running towards her, and she stood up to ask them what was happening._

 _"_ _We found Alfred's diary!" Cat exclaimed, laughing._

 _Ivy tilted her head, confused. "Did he write about me?"_

 _"_ _Oh yeah." Bruce sighed. "He doesn't like you very much."_

Dear Diary,

Detective Gordon called me today and told me he was coming over. I asked him if he was taking his little girl back and he sighed rather frustratingly. I think he's getting tired of that question.

I told him to come over, but then froze in my tracks and tried to take it back, but he had already hung up. What if he saw what Miss Kyle had done in the manor and reported me to a parenting class? I simply couldn't risk it, so I called Master Bruce and Miss Kyle down to the kitchen for a meeting. I didn't know why Miss Kyle was holding a vase, but I had learned not to ask questions.

"Look, you two." I said, "Detective Gordon is coming to meet with me later today, so I'm going to need you two to play in the yard."

"But what would we do?" Miss Kyle asked.

"I don't know, you've managed to have fun in your bedroom with a bunch of trinkets."

"Very true."

I mentally pat myself on the back because the kids ran outside and started whispering things to each other. I went to the kitchen and made a lunch to share with Detective Gordon when he arrived. I wanted to appear eloquent enough to impress him.

Finally, he arrived at the door with a ring of the doorbell, and I opened the door for him. He appeared rather worried, so I sat him down and asked him what was wrong, pouring a cup of tea for him.

"Look, Alfred." He said. "I haven't been entirely honest about Selina."

"Is she actually a demon?"

"No."

"Oh."

Detective Gordon sighed. "The Waynes were very high up in Gotham, and it took a very powerful person to kill them. That only means that they want them to stay dead and not get caught. The bad news is that Harvey Dent in the DA's office recently let loose that we have a witness, and if they discover that it's her, they may send assassins after her."

"Is Master Bruce in danger?"

"I don't know quite yet, but if they are after Selina, they might-"

We were interrupted with a loud scream coming from the yard. Detective Gordon reached for his gun, and I scrambled for the gun on the mantle when Miss Kyle ran in, panting and barely able to walk.

"Selina, what is it?" Detective Gordon asked, trying to calm her down.

"Assassins!" Miss Kyle screamed, barely able to breathe. "They've got Bruce already!"

I shouted, "What?"

"I couldn't do anything! They- I" Miss Kyle started sobbing hysterically and wrapping her arms around me, crying into my suit. I tried to lightly shake her off, not knowing what to do. She was almost fainting, leaning on the table and grabbing the lapel of my suit. "They're outside!"

As fast as I could, I ran outside to the yard, followed by Detective Gordon, our guns outstretched and ready.

There was no one there, and for a second, I thought Master Bruce had been taken by assassins. Why had they taken Master Bruce? How could Thomas Wayne forgive me? How could I forgive myself?

Then Master Bruce and Miss Kyle walked out of the front door, Master Bruce tapping on the glass of his watch, and my sadness slowly melted into rage.

"Not bad!" Miss Kyle exclaimed.

Master Bruce nodded. "Yes, only fifteen seconds! Very nice! Though I did expect more emotion from you two. Assassins just grabbed me, people, come on!"

"Don't worry." Miss Kyle nudged Master Bruce. "They'll get another chance the next time we practise."

My finger on the gun's trigger began to twitch, but I dropped it on the ground and followed Detective Gordon in chasing the two around the yard.


	7. Taking Care of Ivy

_"_ _I thought the old man kind of liked me." Ivy sighed._

 _Bruce and Cat looked at each other, then shook their heads._

Dear Diary,

Today at breakfast, Miss Kyle told me that the dumpster Miss Pepper was living in was being cleaned by the city, and she couldn't stay there for the night. Remembering Miss Pepper, I instictively backed away, but Miss Kyle told me she had to stay here because she had nowhere else to go. I didn't want to let her, but I thought about it. Miss Pepper wasn't loud and obnoxious like Miss Kyle, and she tended to keep to herself. I didn't want a little girl to sleep on the street, so I finally said yes.

To my surprise, Miss Kyle sat me down on the couch. Master Bruce pulled a blackboard from the study over and started writing things on it, while Miss Kyle gave the lecture.

"There are three rules to taking care of Ivy." She said. "Rule one: She doesn't eat animals. She also doesn't eat plants. She's going through a phase where she thinks she's a plant and can get nutrients from sunlight, so you just have to blend her food and feed it to her while she's sleeping."

"Rule two:" said Master Bruce. "Ivy hates any furniture, clothes, and toys made out of animal skin. She will freak out if we have any of it."

"And rule three, you can never,"

"Ever"

"Ever"

"Ever"

"Ever leave Bruce alone with Ivy. She will-" the two of them shuddered, and I didn't ask. A few minutes later, Miss Pepper arrived at our door and I let her in, trying to be formal and welcoming her. Instead, she walked in, stood at the center of the room, and pointed to our carpet.

"What's this made of?" she asked.

Despite Master Bruce and Miss Kyle frantically shaking their heads and making mouth-zipping gestures at me, I answered, "Mink fur."

Instead of reacting like I thought she would, she simply stood still, not moving a bit. I looked over at Miss Kyle, confused.

"Now you've done it." she said. "Ivy's going to hold her breath until you get rid of it."

I thought she was kidding, but soon Miss Pepper started turning blue, and I rolled up the carpet and took it up to the attic. Surprisingly, she kept holding her breath, and I removed the leather couch, the fur handbag, and the animal trophies into the attic before she passed out. Miss Pepper finally took a deep breath and the blue started to flush out of her face.

A few hours later, it was lunch time, and I called the kids down for lunch. Miss Pepper pointed to the chicken I made, and told me to get rid of it. I understood she might be a vegetarian, and put it in the fridge. Then she pointed to the butter and told me to get rid of it. I had met a few vegan people, so I understood and put it in the fridge. Then she pointed to the salad and told me to get rid of it.

"So what are we supposed to eat?" I asked.

Miss Pepper simply stood up, opened the door, and stepped outside to bask in the sunlight. Master Bruce, Miss Kyle and I snuck away to eat pizza in the attic.

A few hours after that, I started to clean the basement when I heard a screaming coming from the yard. I ran over as fast as I could to see what was happening, and I slid open the glass door to find Miss Pepper sitting on the grass, grabbing at and kissing a protesting Master Bruce. Master Bruce managed to break free and ran towards the house, running inside and cleaning his mouth with his sleeve. Luckily, I had him vaccinated for rabies the minute Miss Kyle moved in.

I went up to Miss Pepper and asked her, "Why were you kissing Master Bruce?"

"Because he's cute. You think I'm pretty?"

I simply walked away.

The end of the day came when it was time for her to leave, and I was relieved that I could move all the furniture back. She seemed rather sad though.

"Okay, I'm going back to the dumpster. Just a cute little girl going to live on the streets where I could die of drugs and there's nothing anyone can do..."

The three children turned to me, putting on the cutest faces they could manage until I finally broke.

"Fine! Miss Pepper can stay here."

The three cheered, and Miss Pepper ran up to Master Bruce's room, and I collapsed on the couch wondering what I just doomed Master Bruce to.

 **Any requests? I've gotten a few, but I'm always fishing for more!**


	8. Meeting the Quinzels (Part One)

_"_ _Well, I think we should get home." Bruce said. "I don't want Ed to worry about us."_

 _Selina laughed, "As if. Hey, Ivy, do you know where Harley is?"_

 _"_ _Probably at her parent's house. She eats lunch there once a week, doesn't she?"_

 _"_ _Let's go!"_

Dear Diary,

Today, I got an invitation to come to the Quinzel's mansion on the other side of Gotham. They were also a very affluent family, and they had a daughter around Master Bruce's age. I figured that a fancy good girl might be a good influence on him, so I accepted.

I had to get ready, and that meant taking Miss Kyle as well. I couldn't leave her at home alone after last time. I picked out a dress for her to wear, which she threw at me. I told her she couldn't go if she didn't wear it, so she put it on after making some 'minor' adjustments with a pair of scissors. I didn't think I'd be able to return it.

Miss Pepper also had a dress, which she put on with less of a fight. Granted, it was a bit big on her, but it was better than her ragged sweater. I offered to brush her hair, but she refused. Finally, Master Bruce had a tuxedo, and we were off to meet the Quinzels.

Despite Miss Kyle's constant asking of, "Are we there yet," and Miss Pepper riding on Master Bruce's lap the entire time (which rendered him speechless and red the entire trip) we arrived at the Quinzels' mansion, and the two girls in the backseat tripped over each other to get out of the car and stretch.

Mister and Mrs. Quinzel stood outside on the steps to welcome us with their daughter standing with them.

"Welcome, Wayne family." Mister Quinzel said. "I am Robert Quinzel, and this is my wife Jeanette. This is our daughter Harleen."

To my surprise and outright pleasure, the little girl grabbed the sides of her red and black skirt and curtseyed. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Pennyworth."

I had to calm myself down or else I would've burst out laughing of joy. "Aren't you an adorable little girl? Master Bruce could learn from you."

"I would love to meet Mr. Wayne. I'm sure you've done a fine job raising him."

Mr. Quinzel interrupted his daughter, "Would you all like some luncheon? I've prepared a quail egg frittata with sparkling water. Come right this way."

I gasped a bit out of happiness and had to contain my joy to look professional, but I had to look back to see Miss Kyle talking to the Quinzel's daughter. She hadn't begun to talk before I pulled her away. I couldn't risk Miss Kyle influencing Miss Quinzel like she did Master Bruce.

After a delightful lunch, the Quinzels left for a polo meeting, leaving us in their lovely mansion with their daughter. Miss Kyle pulled me over in the kitchen and pointed to Miss Quinzel in the living room.

"You like her, don't you?" she asked.

I growled, "A fair sight more than you."

Miss Kyle nodded and started to skip off when I grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back, asking what she was doing.

"I'm going to set her up with Bruce. A little help would be nice."

I thought about stopping her, but then I thought about Miss Quinzel. Master Bruce liking her was much better than him liking Miss Kyle, so I agreed. I followed Miss Kyle into the living room where Miss Quinzel was and sat down next to her. Master Bruce was upstairs with Miss Pepper, so he couldn't hear us. It hadn't even occurred to me how bad Miss Kyle was at matchmaking.

"What do you think of Bruce?" she blurted out, despite my silent attempts to make it more subtle.

Miss Quinzel laughed. "I don't know. He seems nice."

"Then how would you like to go on a date with him?"

"I don't know. What's he like?"

I took the opportunity to cut in and speak my mind to Miss Quinzel. "Master Bruce is a perfect gentleman. He's one of the kindest men I've ever worked for."

"Really?" Miss Quinzel asked.

"Yeah!" Miss Kyle answered, making me slap my forehead. "Tomorrow, he's giving a one thousand dollar cheque to every person in Gotham! You can come and watch him if you want. What do you like in a guy?"

Miss Quinzel started blushing. "Well, I like guys who are fun, and-"

Miss Kyle exclaimed, "Perfect! Bruce is lots of fun! Last week, we were at the airport, and Bruce took off his pants and jumped on people's luggage singing Mamma Mia! And he has a tattoo across his chest that says FUN!"

I had to cut in. "Well, I suppose that may be an exaggeration. I don't know if-"

"Once, he went to Arkham Asylum and taught the inmates how to dance to Jailhouse Rock. Just goes to show how much fun he is."

"I don't know." Miss Quinzel said, as I was starting to bury my face in my hands. "I also like a guy who's kind of dangerous and exciting."

"Bruce is exciting and dangerous! He has a knife collection! And once I asked him what time it was, and he pushed me down the stairs! This random kid at school made a Yo Mama joke, and Bruce punched him in the face like ten times!"

Now that one was actually true, but I didn't feel like saying that out loud.

I began to hear Master Bruce come down the stairs as Miss Kyle kept talking, and he stood in front of us asking what was happening. Miss Quinzel stood with a smile and told him, "Hi, Bruce. I'd love to see your knife collection sometime, and I have some antique knives of my own I can show you. My dad used to be a tattoo artist, and I'm wondering what brand of ink was used on your chest. Can I see it?"

As I started to leave the room and Miss Kyle applauded madly, Master Bruce undid the first three buttons on his dress shirt and showed Miss Quinzel his pale, tattoo-less, hairless chest.


	9. Meeting the Quinzels (Part Two)

_Selina smirked, "I'm beginning to think this is embarrassing Bruce more than it's embarrassing Alfred."_

 _"_ _If you're seeing Harley, I'm coming with you." Ivy said, her voice an airy whisper. "She owes me."_

 _Cat, Bruce, and Ivy started off on their walk to Harley's mansion. It was past the police precinct, and they hoped and prayed that Jim wouldn't see them going past. Unfortunately, Jim could see everything. He ran outside and stood in front of the kids, asking what was happening._

 _"_ _We were just going to Harley's house." the kids smiled._

 _Jim put his hands on his hips and sighed, "Isn't Ed supposed to be watching you?"_

 _Selina nudged Bruce, smiling. "Yeah, he is. So that means this is his fault and he should be blamed for our mischief. Feel free to lecture him about that."_

 _"_ _That's it. I'm taking you back to Wayne manor."_

 _"_ _Wait!" Bruce yelled, using the same excuse he used with Montoya and Allen. "Would you like to peek inside Alfred's diary?"_

 _It was uncanny how fast Bullock dashed outside and pleaded Jim to let him read it with him._

Dear Diary,

After yesterday's rousing success with the Quinzels, (and its spectacular failure with their daughter) we had decided to attend their charity ball as guests of honour. Of course, that meant taking Miss Pepper and Miss Kyle, who were currently riding in one of the Wayne's shopping carts, and getting them to behave. Of course, I could always just tie them up and lock them in the broom closet.

"We're going to a charity ball?" Miss Kyle asked, as I was getting them ready. "Are we going to have to dress nice again?"

"Yes, you are." I scolded, trying to brush her mangy hair. "So you'd better not embarrass me."

"Will Harley be there?" Miss Pepper chimed in.

"Her name is Harleen, and yes she will be."

I left them alone to change and went to pick myself a suit. Then I went back upstairs to find their hair exactly the way it was and their dresses cut and put on wrong. Notable mention goes to Miss Pepper, who fit her left arm through the neck hole. I decided it was the best I'd get them, and went out to the car. Master Bruce, Miss Kyle, and Miss Pepper sat in the back, and we were off to the Quinzel's mansion.

When we were there, I got out to open the door for them and saw Miss Kyle holding a toboggan in her hands grinning like a maniac.

"Where did you get that?" I asked.

"It's a sled. I'm going to sled down the stairs. What, are you allergic to fun?"

I grabbed the toboggan away from her and put it in the trunk of the car, and led the three into the mansion. Of course the two street girls ogled at the fancy lights and people in suits, and I had to remind them to look forward. Mr. and Mrs. Quinzel were at the front of the room, and their daughter was mingling with the crowd, the glimmering spectacle of everything I wished Miss Kyle and Miss Pepper were. Her hair was perfectly tied into pigtails and she wore a sparkling red and black dress that made me shy away from my two street girls and their messy clothes.

"Look!" Miss Kyle yelled, gaining the attention of a few passers-by, "It's Harley. Go say hi, Bruce!"

I heard my name being called, and had to go over and talk to some members of society, telling the three kids to stay close together and behave.

I left them for a few minutes, and surprisingly, nothing broke. It was only after that I saw Miss Kyle and Master Bruce on the stage holding a microphone, Miss Kyle smiling and Master Bruce looking quite jitter-ish.

"Harley Quinzel!" she yelled over the microphone, the feedback making all of us cringe. "This is for you!"

With that, she jumped back behind the drum set and started playing while Master Bruce picked up the microphone and started stuttering out the first few lines of Elvis Presley's _I Can't Help Falling in Love._

I tried to hide my face as the two went through their duet, Miss Pepper joining in at one point on the guitar that she could not play and Miss Quinzel standing in the middle of the room, blushing and awkwardly giggling. To my half-shock, half-horror, Mr. Quinzel came onstage and started playing along on piano. A few more people started to join in on various musical instruments, drowning out Miss Kyle and Miss Pepper, and the last thirty seconds of the song were actually quite good.

The room erupted into applause, and I ran to find Mr. Quinzel. I caught him putting away the piano he was playing.

"Mr. Quinzel," I stammered, "I cannot apologize enough. I understand that was inexcusable-"

To my surprise, Mr. Quinzel shook his head, smiling. "No, not at all. This is a charity ball for the street kids of Gotham. A few street kids having fun completed the party!"

"For the street kids?"

Miss Kyle jumped off the stage and nudged me with her elbow, grinning. "I'll go get the sled."

For the rest of the party, I sat in the lounge and ate some Advil, not knowing whether to be relieved, or furious.

 **In related news, I'm doing a collaboration story with FanWriter83 about Selina going camping in the woods with Bruce, Jim, Alfred, Bullock, and Ed. It's really funny, and I think you guys are really going to like it, so definitely go check that out! Also, you guys really want to see Selina get spanked and it scares me a bit...**


	10. Bruce vs Cat

_"_ _Okay, now I'm amused." Bullock chuckled, grabbing the diary from Jim's hands. "I'm going to go show Alvarez."_

 _"_ _Really?" Cat asked. "Because we have to go visit Harley and we have to go back to Ed and we're really late."_

 _"_ _Oh, now you care about the rules?" Bullock took the diary into the GCPD precinct and disappeared behind the doors, and Jim followed him._

 _Cat looked at Bruce and Ivy, groaning, "So that's what our back sass sounds like."_

 _The kids ran inside after Bullock, and found him at the front reading the diary aloud to the indifferent cops._

Dear Diary,

All last night and all morning today, Master Bruce and Miss Kyle had started an argument over who would win in a fight. I had to fall asleep listening to what they would do to each other in the fight, and I had to say I was rooting for Master Bruce. Deep down, though, I knew Miss Kyle would win. This morning at breakfast, I heard Miss Kyle yell, "Fine! Let's settle this once and for all!"

I was worried, as I knew Miss Kyle would murder Master Bruce, so I attempted to intervene. They took it the wrong way though, thinking I was interested and made me the referee. I advised against it a million times, but still they spent the rest of the morning threatening each other.

The afternoon came, and Miss Pepper had invited most of Gotham. I noticed Edward Ngyma, Victor Zsasz, and even Detectives Gordon and Bullock among the crowd.

"Really, Detective Gordon?" I asked. "You too?"

"Bullock made me."

Detective Bullock chimed in, "Who doesn't want to see Selina pound the fudge out of Bruce?"

Miss Pepper had started taking bets, and the lack of trust in Master Bruce was evident at that point. I had to stay to make sure no one got hurt. There was no talking them out of it. Just for image, I bet one dollar on Master Bruce, since I would look terrible if I didn't.

Miss Pepper stepped in the middle of the crowd, all sitting in our living room, and Master Bruce and Miss Kyle walked in together. They shook hands and separated, walking to opposite ends of the room.

"Listen up!" Miss Pepper yelled. "Let's keep this fight nice and clean. You can use anything as a weapon, and the first to give up or get knocked out loses. Begin!"

There was a pile in the middle of the room with pool noodles, water guns, and a few bagels that I guessed were the weapons, and the crowd cheered wildly as the two ran at each other to get to the pile. The fight had begun.

Miss Kyle had gotten to it first, picking up a water gun and spraying Master Bruce in the face with it. Master Bruce had rushed into the pile and picked up a few bagels, throwing them at Miss Kyle. I sighed in relief as the crowd began to groan as Miss Kyle performed her overly-dramatic response to the bagel, doubling over on the ground. Master Bruce picked up her water gun and held it to her head.

"Surrender, Cat. You're beaten."

I saw Miss Kyle grin, and the crowd cheered wildly as she yelled, "In your dreams!" and whipped a leg out to trip Master Bruce. While he was getting up, Miss Kyle jumped on the couch and pelted him with pillows.

Before Master Bruce could get up, Miss Kyle dashed out the door outside, and Master Bruce chased after her. The roaring crowd chased after them, trying to get in on the action.

Master Bruce stopped in the garden, looking around. He had lost Miss Kyle. Then, without warning, Miss Kyle jumped out of a tree onto his back, grabbing his arm and making Master Bruce slap himself in the face. Luckily, Master Bruce was smart. He knew Miss Kyle's weakness. Struggling to walk with Miss Kyle on her back, he jumped into the pond in the garden, Miss Kyle screaming with terror and trying to get out.

Both soaking wet, the fight turned into hand-to-hand combat. Miss Kyle grabbed onto Master Bruce and pulled at a fistful of his hair, while Master Bruce tried his best to push Miss Kyle back into the pond. To get his attention, Miss Kyle put her finger in her mouth to make it wet and plunged it into Master Bruce's ear. Master Bruce lunged backwards, again over-dramatically, and Miss Kyle took her chance to land a solid kick straight between Master Bruce's legs.

The crowd cringed as Master Bruce fell to the ground with his hands between his legs, groaning, and Miss Kyle stood triumphantly over him. I noticed the crowd ready to collect their bets when Master Bruce started getting up. Miss Kyle, looking around worriedly, jumped over the fence and disappeared from sight. Master Bruce opened the gate and followed after her. Again, the crowd followed.

We were in the street, Miss Kyle's turf, and she had once again disappeared. Master Bruce looked around, running further down the alley, when Miss Kyle jumped out of a window and landed on his back, pinning him to the ground and sitting on him with a water gun to his head.

"Any last words, billionaire?" she asked.

The crowd was absolutely silent, and I asked myself why they were enjoying watching to kids fighting with water guns. Just as Miss Kyle was about to press the trigger, the clouds began to roll in, and I smiled.

"You put up a good effort. But the Cat will always be superior to you. I guess all that money can't buy you out of this. I think your time is just about-"

Miss Kyle was interrupted by a loud thunder clap and a flash of lightning. She screamed as loud as she could, getting up and running back to the mansion, waving her arms in terror.

"Thunderstorms." Miss Pepper sighed. "A cat's worst enemy."

Master Bruce stood up, waving his arms in triumph as the crowd cheered and roared. A few hours later, as Miss Kyle was hiding from the thunderstorm under a couch and Master Bruce was putting an ice pack to use on his manhood, Miss Pepper walked up to me and handed me over two-hundred and fifty dollars in cash.

"What's this for?" I asked.

"It's from the betting. You were the only one that bet on Bruce. This is what you get from Cat losing. I'm pretty sure if Cat won, everyone would've gotten point two percent of a cent."

I turned around and grinned at the two, as I turned my back to go visit the bank.


	11. Full Moon in Gotham

**Thanks to FanWriter83 for the suggestion.(Wow, I mention her a lot. That's how nice and helpful she is.) I have another request chapter in the works, so keep those suggestions coming!**

 _Bullock started laughing like a maniac, while the other detectives and policemen backed away from him a few inches thinking it was creepy. He closed the book and went into Captain Essen's office to show her, completely oblivious to the lack of enthusiasm from his fellow officers._

Dear Diary,

Last night, the news made a big deal about the full moon in Gotham that would be visible today. It would be the first time a full moon was visible from Gotham city in two years, due to it being constantly cloudy. I honestly have no idea why my parents moved here in the first place.

I personally was not a man of science. I understood that science was important in our lives, but I personally was not interested in it, again not meaning to offend those who are. I also was not quite a man of magic, and did not believe in all those stories that full moons make people behave strangely and cause strange things to happen. After living with the kids, I would've dismissed strange behaviour as normal procedure.

This morning, I woke up early and prepared breakfast for the kids. As per usual, the kids didn't arrive for a few minutes, and when I heard their footsteps, I prepared the pancakes on their plates. One normal plate for me, a normal plate for master Bruce, a pancake in a cat food bowl for Miss Kyle, and a bowl of fruit for Miss Pepper, so she could eat the food, then spit out the seeds and plant them in the garden.

I came out of the kitchen and found the three. Except this morning, Miss Kyle was hugging Master Bruce at the table and licking his scared-looking face, nuzzling his head with hers and getting hair in his mouth. Miss Pepper, meanwhile, was licking her lips hungrily.

"Miss Kyle," I asked, "What are you doing?"

Miss Kyle hissed at me, baring her teeth, and clawed at the air in front of me.

Master Bruce stuttered, looking terrified. "She said she doesn't want anyone that's not her talking to me."

I nodded, and continued serving the fresh juice. I also noticed Miss Pepper gulping down her fruit and pancakes, along with Master Bruce's pancakes. I looked at her confused, since for the first time, she was eating plants and grain without apologizing to Mother Nature under her breath and crying a bit. I asked what was going on with her.

"I don't know. I'm just hungry." she said, her mouth even full of the bacon that was on the table. She turned to look at Master Bruce, and Miss Kyle made a loud, angry cat noise and clawed at her, then went back to licking the side of Master Bruce's face.

I decided the two just needed some air, inviting them to get in the car to go to the Quinzel's mansion. We were usually welcome there, and Miss Quinzel might be able to calm them down. I got the car ready, and the kids got inside, Miss Kyle never letting go of Master Bruce and licking his face, and Miss Pepper gnawing on an apple.

I started the drive across town, and noticed the strange sight of the streets not being covered in crime. There were no drug dealers or robbers committing crime. Gotham actually seemed like a pleasant place to live in. I refused to believe it was the full moon. It simply couldn't be.

We knocked the door of their mansion, and were answered with Miss Quinzel. Her parents were out of town on a business meeting, and she was left at home with her butlers. To my surprise, the first thing she did was plant a kiss on Master Bruce's lips, and was met with Miss Kyle's loud cat screeches.

We were invited inside for lunch. I wasn't hungry, grabbing a croissant and watching the kids eat. Miss Pepper ate almost all the food on the table. Miss Quinzel spent a few minutes eyeing Master Bruce, again blushing and looking terrified.

"Anyone ever tell you that you have really nice eyebrows?" she asked, gazing dreamily at Master Bruce.

"He's cute, isn't he?" Miss Pepper said, starting to chew on the table cloth.

Miss Kyle hissed at the both of them and clawed at their faces, her blunt nails poking their noses.

"What's her problem?" Miss Quinzel asked.

Miss Pepper sighed. "Cats can be very possessive."

Miss Quinzel nodded. "Cats also mark their belongings by peeing on them."

Master Bruce appeared to silently freak out, the fear evident in his eyes as Miss Pepper and Miss Quinzel stared at each other and Miss Kyle kept licking the side of Master Bruce's face. I eventually decided that the fresh air wasn't working and put the kids back in the car to drive back to Wayne manor. Miss Quinzel decided to come with us, trying to flirt with Master Bruce while Miss Kyle kept hugging him and Miss Pepper chewed on her seat belt.

The drive home was all the more unusual. I noticed Don Falcone and Don Maroni hugging each other, Detective Bullock petting a small child, and Fish Mooney giving a homeless man a fifty dollar bill. I started looking around at my strange surroundings and began to believe in the effects of the full moon.

Finally, we got home and I went straight up to bed, trying to make sense of the day. Night time finally came and I sat in my bed to watch the full moon wane past the sky and eventually disappear behind the clouds. After it did, I heard a gunshot in the distance and the sounds of Miss Kyle talking like a human being. Perhaps it was a complete coincidence, and today had nothing to do with the full moon. Gotham wouldn't see another for quite a while. But perhaps the moon did affect people...


	12. Cat and Ivy's New Rooms

_Cat walked in as Bullock was laughing hysterically and Captain Essen stared at him, creeped out. Cat snatched the diary from Bullock as he was laughing and ran back outside to Bruce and Ivy._

 _Bullock yelled and ran out to find Jim. "That thief just stole from me! Aren't you going to chase her?"_

 _Jim pretended to be tired, sarcastically straining to say, "Ugh... so... tired... can't go on... you win this round, evil!"_

 _Ed, (who had somehow made it from Wayne manor to the precinct for his shift) peered around the corner and cheered, "Really? I won something?"_

 _Cat, Bruce and Ivy continued on their journey to Quinzel manor, and finally arrived at the doorstep to ring the doorbell. Harley answered them, asking them to come in._

 _"_ _Hey, Harley!" Cat yelled, excitedly. "We found Old Man Pennyworth's diary! Want to see?"_

 _Harley simply smiled._

Dear Diary,

Today at breakfast, I overheard a disturbing conversation between the kids.

"Last night was fun, right?" said Master Bruce.

Miss Kyle smiled, laughing and shoving him. "It got hard too fast. Maybe we'll slow down next time."

The two laughed hysterically.

"Anyway, you're getting better at this." Miss Kyle smiled. "If you keep letting me play with you every night like this, you'll last longer and it'll be more fun for both of us!"

"No problem! I love playing with you in bed."

I slammed my glass on the table, yelling to get their attention. "That's it! I am not able to get a wink of sleep with you kids all sleeping in one bedroom! I have had it with this arrangement!"

"Fine." Miss Pepper said. "We'll stop playing Outlast at night."

I continued, "You are all getting your own bedrooms!"

The kids all cheered, and I went to go lie down. After breakfast, I assigned Miss Kyle to the old closet room that we kept our old clothes in. They could be moved to storage and she could sleep on an old cat bed we found, (sadly, not my idea.) and Miss Pepper would get our second living room. I told them they could move whatever furniture they wanted to, and to help each other out. I took a quick nap, and then woke up to see how they were doing.

First was Master Bruce's room, which I permitted him to change around to be fair. It was mostly the same, but all of his photo frames were gone. I didn't bother asking where they went.

I went over to Miss Kyle's new bedroom, and found she had taken all of Master Bruce's photos and mounted them all on one wall to create a half-heartfelt, half-creepy wall of pictures of Master Bruce. Other than that, the room was empty except for a cat bed, a litter box that I really did not want to ask about, and a box of cat toys. On further examination, the _cat toys_ were one of our best silk curtains, torn up and folded; a customizable doll that had been made up to look like me, and Master Bruce's stuffed teddy bear that Miss Kyle was keeping for ransom.

Finally, Miss Pepper seemed as if she didn't do any decorating at all, and just seems to have left the window open for a few hours. The floor was covered in dirt and leaves, and all our houseplants had been moved in. Miss Pepper was in the corner, whispering something to a red flower. I decided to head back downstairs.

With the kids each in separate rooms, I decided I might actually get some sleep around here. I cleaned up a bit and let the kids get accustomed to their new rooms, and took the silence as a good sign. The day passed like clockwork, and soon it was time to get ready for bed. I went up to say goodnight to Master Bruce, but found the three were sleeping together again.

Master Bruce's bedroom had been split into three, each of the kids sleeping in a wedge of the room. In Master Bruce's wedge, his bed was there and all the furniture in the room had been crammed in. In Miss Kyle's wedge of the room, there was no furniture and her cat bed and litter box lay next to the photo wall. In Miss Pepper's wedge between theirs, the floor was dirt and had plants all over it, the window open.

"Hey, Alfred!" Miss Kyle grinned, waving at me. "Thanks for the rooms!"

"Yeah!" Master Bruce yelled. "Playing Outlast will be so much more fun!"

I went back to my room, tired and sleepy, when a few minutes later, I heard the two grunting and panting with effort until Miss Kyle exclaimed loud enough for me to hear, "Yes! That's the longest you've ever lasted! We'll see if Ivy can make it hard again for you so you and her can have a little fun!"

 **Thanks for reading! Suggestions always welcome. Leave your ideas in a review, or by PM.**

 **I know Outlast wasn't invented in Gotham's time, but how many of you would really be that upset if I broke the continuity a little bit?**


	13. Happy Birthday Cat (Part One)

_Harley tittered a girly laugh, and kept flipping through the pages of the diary to Cat's delight._

 _"_ _We should really be heading back." Bruce stuttered, nervous about their curfew._

 _"_ _You know what, kid?" Cat draped her arm around Bruce's shoulder. "You need to live a little bit."_

Dear Diary,

Today, Master Bruce came down to breakfast by himself, and I sighed with relief. He looked rather worried, so I asked him what was wrong.

"Alfred," he said. "Selina's birthday is tomorrow, and I kind of like her, so I want to throw her a party."

I nodded. "Alright, what do you want me to do?"

"Ivy is going to keep her out of the house today, so we have to go shopping for presents and stuff."

I stayed quiet as Miss Pepper came downstairs with Miss Kyle in hand a few minutes later, pushing her out of the front door and into the streets, saying something about needing her help. That's when I turned back to Master Bruce. It seemed like a reasonable request, and it would most likely keep her out of trouble for a day.

"We need to go pick up Harley, then we can shop for presents. Harley had Cat make a list of things she wants a while ago." He said.

The two of us got in the car, and we drove over to Miss Quinzel's mansion. She was waiting in the front, so I opened the door for her, and the three of us drove to the store. It was relaxing. It was the most civilized car ride I'd had since Miss Kyle moved in.

We stopped at the Gotham mall, and I unloaded the car and brought a bag, following the two kids charging into the mall. I peered over Miss Quinzel's shoulder at the list she was looking at, and only saw the first letters on the right before they ran off.

I stayed near the cash registers ready to pay for whatever they brought back, and soon the two ran back with their hands full of things I was not buying.

"What's this?" I asked.

Miss Quinzel held up the presents in her hands. "It was on the list. This is a whip, a cat mask, and a new pair of ripped skinny jeans." She said, holding up a dangerous-looking whip, a black plastic faux fur mask, and a pair of ripped pants that looked far too tight to fit human legs in.

"Why does she want to wear those?" I asked.

"Oh, she doesn't." Miss Quinzel smiled. "This is what she wanted Bruce to wear at the party. Except the whip, I don't know what she wants to do with that."

Master Bruce held up his presents. "And this is a ball of yarn, some catnip, and a diamond necklace."

"Why does Miss Kyle want a diamond necklace?"

"Cats like shiny things."

"But she's not a real- never mind."

The other presents were pretty cheap, but the diamond necklace had a good twenty diamonds, each a thousand carats and ran me seven thousand dollars, bringing the total amount to seven thousand and ten dollars. It's a good thing the Waynes were rich. And I have their credit card. That too.

We were about to get in the car when I stopped them and picked up the gifts to put in the trunk. "Alright, is that everything Miss Kyle wants?"

The two kids looked at each other, and then back at me. "Well there's actually one more thing."

"Well, okay. Let's get back in and buy it."

"You can't buy it at the mall."

"Well where do we get it?"

We got in the car and Master Bruce directed me down the road and to the left straight into midtown. He told me to stop in what I thought was the middle of the road, but I looked to the left, and saw the police precinct.

"Seriously?" I asked, looking back at the worried-looking children. "What can we get here?"

Miss Quinzel and Master Bruce stared skittishly at each other, and then slowly stuttered, "Detective Bullock's hat."

I sighed, impressed that Miss Kyle had found a way to embarrass me without even being there. "Well, I suppose that you two can ask him for it."

The two nervous kids walked into the precinct, and I stayed in the car listening to the radio. I waited for five minutes, then ten, then fifteen, and then finally the two ran out of the precinct screaming and sweating with Detective Bullock's hat in hand, falling over each other to get in the car.

"Quick, Alfred! Drive!"

I started the car, thinking a criminal had somehow escaped, but while I was driving, I looked in the side view mirror and noticed a very angry hat-less detective Bullock running after the car and screaming, "You rotten kids! Give me back my hat! I don't care how rich you are, I swear when I get my hands on you, I'm going to take a-" I couldn't hear the middle part of the sentence since a train came by for a few seconds, then Bullock screamed the last part of the sentence, "-With a shovel and a spoon so hard that you won't be able to sit up for two weeks!"

Well there was no use in going back there, so I continued back to the manor, where Miss Kyle and Miss Pepper weren't back yet, so we went in to wrap our gifts, including Miss Pepper's contribution to the pile; a sheet of temporary cat tattoos and a doll that looked like me. There was something wrong with that girl.

 **Next time on the Secret Diaries of Alfred Pennyworth, Cat's big birthday party! Does Alfred have the heart to yell at a little girl on her birthday...? Because, you know. He told a little boy who was crying over his crush lying to him, "Should I get a broom, or would you rather keep crying over the shattered remains of your young hopes and dreams?"**


	14. Happy Birthday Cat (Part Two)

_"_ _Oh, I remember this!" Harley chuckled, pointing to the page._

 _"_ _Selina, we should really be getting back." Bruce poked Cat's shoulder, stuttering._

 _Cat grabbed Bruce's face and planted a kiss on his lips, and he froze, blushing._

 _"_ _Okay." Cat grinned, turning back to the diary. "He won't be saying anything for at least three minutes."_

Dear Diary,

I was unpleasantly surprised today when I came downstairs for breakfast to find that Master Bruce, Miss Pepper, and Miss Quinzel had woken up before me and decorated the living room for Miss Kyle's birthday. Her wrapped presents were underneath a Christmas tree with black strips of leather around it. There were shiny trinkets around the furniture, and a few cat paintings that had been brought up from storage. The cake I had made the other day was on the table, with fourteen candles on it and a cat drawn with icing on it.

"Cat's in the city." Miss Pepper said. "I told her that the ambassador of Germany was coming over and she should run. She won't be back for a few hours."

"Why is Miss Kyle afraid of the ambassador of Germany?"

I was not answered, and thought best to leave it alone. A few minutes after, there was a knock at the door, and the rest of the guests arrived. Maybe twenty street kids invaded my house, as well as about thirty cats. I noticed the brown cat that always attacked me whenever I saw it when I was a child. I always knew it would outlive me.

Finally, Miss Pepper looking out the window yelled, "Cat's coming!" and I was told to hide behind a table and jump out when she came in. I heard the door open, and the rest of the kids jumped out of their hiding places and yelled surprise, and I came out a bit late. Miss Kyle jumped in surprise, and laughed with joy. She ran in and hugged all the people and cats, then went straight to her presents.

The first one she opened was the whip, and she held it up proudly and more happily than I'd ever seen her, which was kind of scary. She unravelled it and whipped the air in front of her, then turned to grin at Master Bruce, grinning, "We're going to have fun when this is over."

I saw Master Bruce head upstairs with Miss Pepper, and Miss Kyle proceeded to open the rest of the gifts. She showed everyone the doll that looked like me, and hugged the diamond necklace with glee. She never put it on. She simply looked at it for a long time. Some other presents from other people included a toy gun, a new pair of goggles, and a doll that looked like Master Bruce I was genuinely worried for.

She had opened everything when Miss Quinzel shouted, "But wait! There's one more present!"

Miss Kyle gazed in awe and glee as Master Bruce waddled down the stairs with Miss Pepper, with no shirt on, and only a black vest and the tight, ripped black jeans.

"Yay!" Miss Kyle exclaimed. "How did you guys know I wanted this?"

Miss Quinzel yelped, also gazing at Master Bruce's pants. "You've been talking about it for weeks!"

Master Bruce shifted uncomfortably in the jeans, "These pants chafe everything."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

Next, Miss Kyle jumped up and blared some music on, and started dancing giddy with joy. She grabbed Master Bruce, whose pants were starting to cut off circulation to his legs, and hugged him, swaying with the music. She looked over at Miss Pepper, who glared, jealously, and I saw Master Bruce looking to Miss Quinzel for help.

"Hey, Bruce." Miss Kyle asked, trying to feel something with her hips. "Why is my toy gun in your pocket?"

"That's not the gun." Master Bruce sighed, blushing.

"Alright, then!" I yelled over the music. "Time for cake!"

Everyone gathered around the table, and I lit the candles. The children sang their birthday song (not to judge, but not one of them was in key) and Miss Kyle thought deeply with a smile, and blew out the candles. As Miss Kyle grinned to her clapping friends and I started to cut the cake, Miss Kyle threw her arms around me in a surprise, and I attempted to shake her off of me.

"I love you, Alfred." She smiled, and I couldn't tell if she was messing with me, or if she meant it.

I patted her scruffy hair and tried to shake her off while the others stared and giggled. "I... love you too."

"Guess what I wished for!" she yelped, giddily.

"I don't really want to know what you wished for."

"Harley's parents are always out of town, and she always hangs out here anyway, so I told her she could stay here!"

I didn't want to scream in front of the kids, but I was going to have to have an aspirin and a big drink later.

After the party had ended, all the guests and cats left, giving their thanks to Miss Kyle, and everyone had left but Miss Quinzel. After the door closed, she stared at me with her head tilted and her eyelashes batting, asking for my approval. The three other kids joined in, and I finally threw up my hands.

"Fine!" I yelled. The four all group-hugged me, and I rubbed my forehead. Miss Quinzel was a good child and didn't seem to be that much trouble. Then again, that's what I said about Miss Pepper.

Later that night, I got thirsty, so I woke up, went down to the kitchen, and found Miss Pepper and Miss Quinzel together, laughing and drinking bottles of root beer. Miss Quinzel wore the black skinny jeans and diamond necklace, and Miss Pepper was playing with a yarn ball wearing the cat mask. Miss Kyle had her whip in hand, yelling, "More root beer!" and whipping Master Bruce to get her more root beer. I went back upstairs.


	15. Truth or Dare

_Harley put down the book, smiling over the memories. "Okay, do you guys want lunch? We can get fries at the karaoke place downtown."_

 _The four nodded in agreement, and went down to the karaoke place not far from the mansion. It was only a five minute walk, and soon they were greeted by the blaring lights and terrible singing that they loved. Harley bought the gang some fries and they sat down at a table._

 _"_ _Yo, yo!" the DJ yelled over the microphone as the last person was finishing their song. "This is DJ Ozzy-C, and I'd like to remind you that I will kill you if you tell anyone about my day job!"_

 _Ivy whispered to Bruce, "Penguin's actually a pretty good DJ."_

 _Penguin continued, "Alright, now who wants to take the mike?"_

 _Selina looked down at the diary, then to the rest of the gang. They shook their heads, and Selina grinned, beginning to raise her hand._

Dear Diary,

Today was relatively normal. It was pretty quiet, and the kids behaved for the most part. At night, I was about to go to sleep when Miss Kyle yelled, "Family Game Night!"

The other three kids jumped onto the couch and invited me on. I wasn't one for games, but it seemed superfluous to argue with them. Miss Kyle would get her revenge sooner or later. I sat beside Master Bruce on the couch and waited for Miss Quinzel to bring the snacks.

Miss Kyle pulled out a bottle and put it in the center, telling us to sit in a circle. She pulled Master Bruce next to her, and Miss Pepper sat on the floor.

"We're going to play truth or dare." Miss Kyle grinned. "Whoever the bottle lands on gets to ask first."

"Wait." I asked. "Is this going to-"

Miss Kyle spun the bottle, and it landed on Master Bruce. The rest of us waited patiently for Master Bruce to ask.

"Okay, Harley? Truth or dare?" he asked.

Miss Quinzel thought for a bit, and then giggled, "Truth."

Master Bruce chuckled, like something was hilarious, and then stifled his laughter to ask, "What's your favourite colour?"

We were silent until Miss Kyle patted him on the shoulder pitifully and whispered, "We have so much work to do on you."

"Red, I guess." Miss Quinzel smiled.

Miss Kyle yelled, "Okay, we're going clockwise. It's my turn. Alfred, truth or dare?"

I gritted my teeth and snarled at her, groaning, "If I have to, truth."

"Do you have a diary?"

I thought it best to lie. I didn't even want to imagine what would happen if Miss Kyle got her hands on my diary. "No, I don't."

It was Miss Quinzel's turn to ask a question or propose a dare. She thought for a bit, then turned to Master Bruce and grinned. "Bruce, truth or dare?"

Master Bruce thought. It seemed like truth was the safe option. "I'd like truth."

Miss Quinzel giggled. "Who do you have a crush on?"

The room went quiet as everyone stared at Master Bruce and I slapped my forehead. Master Bruce turned bright red as the three girls stared him down, grinning, and he finally choked out, "N-no one."

Miss Kyle looked back at the two other girls, and then got close into Master Bruce's face. "I think a certain gazillionaire is lying to us."

"Who do you like, Bruce?" Miss Pepper smiled.

Master Bruce looked down at the floor and stuttered out, shy and quietly, "S-s-selina."

The three girls all sighed, "Awwww!"

Next, it was Miss Pepper's turn to ask. "Cat, truth or dare?"

Miss Kyle was more adventurous than the rest of us. She puffed up her chest and proudly announced, "I pick dare!"

Miss Pepper put her hand on her chin to think, and then yelled out, "I dare you to make Bruce blush."

Miss Kyle looked over at Master Bruce and grinned, Master Bruce already beginning to turn red. She took off her leather jacket and turned around to face Master Bruce. She jumped on his lap so their noses were touching and whispered something in his ear that made his mouth drop open and his face turn completely red.

"Hey, Cat?" Miss Quinzel said. "I think his toes are starting to curl."

Miss Kyle leapt of off the frozen Master Bruce with a grin on her face. "Okay, Alfred, it's your turn."

I sighed. "Miss Kyle, truth or dare?"

"Dare." She grinned.

"I dare you to be responsible."

She looked at the other girls, then back at me, all of them bursting into wild laughter. Miss Kyle had to grab Master Bruce's shoulder to keep herself from falling over. When the laughing subsided a good ten minutes later and the girls were wiping tears of laughter from their eyes, Miss Kyle finally said, "Okay, you win Old Man. You beat us all. Come on, Bruce. Let's go do that thing I said we were going to do."

The kids went up to Master Bruce's room, and I was left by myself to clean up.

 **Thanks for reading! I'm thinking of making this a regular thing, like making a new truth or dare chapter every ten chapters or something. I want you guys to send in ideas for truths and dares that you want to see the gang doing!**


	16. The Wrath of Alfred

_"_ _Ecore! Encore!" the audience chanted, and Cat shrugged. "I got to give to people what they want!"_

Dear Diary,

Today, I was barely awake when the television seemed to turn on by itself. I jolted awake to the news channel on full volume and had to turn down the speakers.

"Alert!" the news lady yelled, her backdrop a burning street. "Gotham city has been decimated downtown. Jim Gordon's deadliest rogues, Balloonman, Electrocutioner, Dr. Marx and the Gotham Goat, and the Ogre have broken out of Arkham Asylum and have teamed up to destroy Gotham. Citizens are being urged to stay inside, all inmates are extremely dangerous.

I was busy listening for details when Master Bruce and Miss Kyle burst into my bedroom, practically tripping over each other. Both of them were crying and red in the face. Miss Pepper and Miss Quinzel followed suit, both looking very worried.

Miss Kyle was crying on my bed, and Master Bruce was trying to calm her down. I had to ask, "What's wrong? What's going on?"

Miss Kyle slowly choked outbehind her tears, just enough that I could hear, "I'm pregnant."

"What?" I yelled, making her wince.

"With Bruce's baby." She whispered.

I practically jolted upright, shaking the bed. I wanted to punch something, and I could practically feel the steam coming out of my ears. "What?"

"It was an accident." Master Bruce said, trying to calm down Miss Kyle and explaining. "Harley and Ivy were just pushing us and pushing us, and I didn't mean to. I didn't know how it worked, I-"

I stood up, pushing Miss Kyle off the bed. I stared down the four kids and screamed, "One of you is coming with me downtown to get a morning after pill. I'm never letting you two be alone again. Then, after, I don't care about any bloody assassins; I'm personally throwing your asses back to the streets!"

Master Bruce came with me. I wasn't letting him stay home with the other girls after what happened. I pushed him into the back of the car and started it up. I did remember what the news said about the criminal breakout, but I had to do it now. Miss Kyle could run away, and then Master Bruce would have a child at fourteen. I couldn't let that happen.

I thought nothing would happen, but the minute I got into downtown, there was a massive explosion that shook the entire car, and I pushed on the brakes. I looked around, and didn't see anyone. Then our car started to lift into the air. I looked out the window and found three weather balloons had somehow attached to our car and were lifting it off the ground. I grabbed Master Bruce's arm and jumped out the window just in time to watch the Wayne's car fly off.

What had I done? We had no way of getting back, and now I had dragged the Wayne's only child into a criminal attack. I heard a scream behind me, and Master Bruce was being carried away by a man in a goat mask. I ran after him, but another man in a goat mask attacked me, knocking me to the ground.

I looked up, and Dr. Marx was standing above me. "We're taking the boy. If you want him back, come to the police precinct and take him. Goat, do your duty to your city and kill this man."

She walked off with Master Bruce, and I got up in time to watch them disappear from sight. I wrapped my leg around the Goat's and tripped him before kicking him in the chest and knocking him out. I had to get Master Bruce back.

I ran to the precinct, not far from where we were, and climbed the steps to open the door. The place was dark and abandoned, and I only saw Detective Gordon hiding behind a desk. I helped him up.

"Alfred, what are you doing here?" he asked. "Ogre, Electrocutioner, and Balloonman have taken over the precinct. It's not safe."

"They took Master Bruce."

Detective Gordon nodded, and handed me a gun. I followed him down the dark hall, ready to pull the trigger. It was a dark hall, and anything could be hiding behind the doors. I had to be ready.

A door opened, and three red balloons floated out. There was a beeping, and Detective Gordon pushed me to the ground. In my daze, I saw the balloons explode, a bright flash of fire erupting in the halls. A man stood over me, and I knew it was the Balloonman.

"Gotham's wealthy have stolen from the poor long enough!" he yelled. "It's time to pay for your sins."

I wrapped my leg around his, and tripped him over. As fast as I could, I turned my gun on him and shot him in the chest. His eyes closed, and his heart stopped.

"I'm sorry." I said, turning to Detective Gordon. "I had to."

"I know."

We didn't make it far before there was more. Ogre and Electrocutioner jumped out of one of the doors, grinning.

"I don't want to hurt you." Ogre smirked. "But if you force me to, I will kill the people you love. I'll have to."

"Oh, how alive this makes me feel. Like a shock." Electrocutioner grinned.

I charged the Ogre while Gordon was put to work on Buchinsky. I socked Ogre in the face with a right hook, then kicked him in the stomach, knocking him to the ground. I was about to turn the gun on him when his words made me freeze.

"We have the rest of the kids. Bruce, Selina, Ivy, and Harley. The Goat has a knife to their throats, and if you surrender now, they will die fast."

I dropped the gun. I had to. Detective Gordon screamed and I noticed Electrocutioner plunging a taser into his head and stomach.

Ogre smiled, "Love is a tricky thing, isn't it? It has a way of backfiring. Though I know if Bruce was here right now, he'd want to say..."

I wanted to sock him in the face again, but his next words made me freeze, and then want to punch him again. "He'd want to say you're on Gotham Gotcha!"

A crew of camera people rushed out, and a TV host aimed a microphone at me. Detective Gordon stood up, completely fine and Balloonman woke up grinning. Master Bruce and the rest of the kids came out of a door, laughing, and I glared at the camera.

"You've just been pranked by Gotham's number one prank show!" the host announced.

Miss Kyle raised her hand. "I submitted your name."

I glared at the host, "This was a prank? What about the explosions? And the criminals?"

"Oh, it wasn't easy. All the inmates are wearing shock collars and bulletproof vests. We had to bribe them with their freedom, which in hindsight was not the best idea."

I smiled and waved for the camera, and knew I was going to have to have a big drink later.

 **This chapter was inspired by two things. One- the notion that original Gotham villains are lame (Come on. Any of these guys could take Batman in a good fight, easy.) and two- the notion that Alfred is boring. (Sean Pertwee calls himself Double-O Alfred.) Don't hate. Appreciate.**


	17. Introducing Jonny Crane

_"_ _Okay, okay," Penguin yelled over the microphone. "Let's give it up for Cat!"_

 _The audience cheered wildly as Cat bowed for the audience and leapt off the stage. She grabbed the microphone from Penguin and yelled, "I am Cat! Bruce has a crush on me! I will claw your eyes out if you tell Alfred we were here! Now, me, Ivy, Harley, and Bruce are going to run and see Jonny!"_

 _Cat rushed out the door, and her gang followed her as they went to see Jonny._

Dear Diary,

Master Bruce and Miss Pepper left the house after breakfast, saying they were going to meet one of Miss Pepper's friends that was visiting from Central city. Miss Kyle and Miss Quinzel were the only ones at lunch that day.

Master Bruce came home during lunch, with his pants gone and a black eye, his coat torn around his shoulders. He appeared to be walking with a limp.

"Master Bruce, what happened?" I asked, helping him onto the couch.

Miss Quinzel ran over, while Miss Kyle chuckled a bit. "Pink boxers? Really?"

"I got beat up." He whimpered, while I examined his black eye.

"Who did it?" Miss Quinzel asked. "Where's Ivy?"

"I don't know. Some street kid. Ivy stayed behind, but I don't know why."

Miss Kyle crossed her arms. "So are we going to beat him up? I mean, Harley could hold him down, I could step on his-"

The front door swung open, and I looked up to see Miss Pepper smiling like an idiot with a boy on her arm. He was around Master Bruce's age, with medium-length hair and dressed in a black sweater and slacks. His clothes were torn and he seemed to be wearing eyeliner. I rushed to shoo him out, because I had learned what happens when a street kid enters the manor.

"Hey everyone!" Miss Pepper grinned. "This is Jonny. I found him on the street and so I brought him home. Isn't he adorable?"

Miss Kyle crossed her arms, sceptical. "So this is the guy that beat up Bruce?"

The boy talked slowly and quietly, in a monotone whisper that sounded like he died. "He was standing on the grave of my dog."

"And you punched him in the face?" Miss Quinzel asked.

Miss Pepper shook her head. "Nah, that was me. He was messing with my snookums."

The boy held his hand up to me for a handshake. "My name is Jonathan Crane. I can sense your life force, and it is dwindling. What is death, but the punishment for the sins we have committed in life?"

I slowly shook his hand. He was coming off as creepy.

"From childhood's hour, I have not been as others were. I have not seen as others saw. I could not bring my passions from a common spring. Edgar Allen Poe wrote that about how he was eternally alone, but I feel it fits for everyone. Are we not all alone in our thoughts, and our spirits?" he asked.

Miss Pepper leaned on his shoulder, laughing and poking him. "Isn't he amazing?" she asked, sighing and staring.

Mister Crane threw Master Bruce a pair of pants and went into the kitchen to grab an apple.

"Why did you bring that boy into our home?" I asked.

Miss Pepper laughed. "Oh, that's a funny story. See, he's a street kid and has no family, so I said he could stay here!"

"What?" I yelled, but she kept staring dreamily into the kitchen at Mister Crane staring at an apple. "No, no, no, no more kids at this mansion. I want him out!"

"Come on! You let Cat stay here, and she got to have Harley as a guest! Don't I get a guest?"

"No, you don't!"

Miss Pepper sighed, looking devastated, probably faking to see if I would budge. "Fine. He can go."

I shooed Mister Crane out of the house and locked the door behind him, sighing with relief. I turned back to the kids, all quiet, and Miss Pepper headed up to Master Bruce's room. I continued with lunch, and Miss Quinzel went to go get her glasses from Master Bruce's room.

"Did you find your glasses?" Master Bruce asked when she came down.

"Um..." she replied, "Ivy is face down on your bed crying."

I yelled out from behind the kitchen, "Not falling for it! No more kids in the mansion!"

A few minutes later, when lunch was over, I walked past the garden and noticed Miss Pepper sitting in the middle of the grass by herself, picking the petals off a black flower and whispering, "He loves me not, he loves me not, he loves me not, he loves me not,"

I groaned, "Not falling for it! No more kids in the mansion!"

An hour after, it was dinner, and once again, I only saw Miss Kyle and Miss Quinzel. I made the mistake of asking, "Where's Miss Pepper?"

The two girls looked at each other, and then Miss Quinzel whispered, "She's spying on Bruce in the shower."

I heard one of Master Bruce's girlish screams coming from upstairs, and then Miss Pepper ran down the stairs and out the door, screaming and crying, "It's not the same!"

The two girls looked at me, and then I sighed. "Just go find Mister Crane."

 **In my head, I pictured Jonny Crane younger than he was in Gotham, but still played by the same actor. He's 17 in Gotham, and Ivy is 13, so making him younger will make me feel less weird about it, and it'll be more ship-able.**


	18. Late Night with Oswald Cobblepot

_"_ _What was that?" Bruce asked, catching up to Cat._

 _Cat smiled proudly and announced, "Show business! Where do you think Jonny is?"_

 _"_ _Gotham cemetery." Harley Ivy yelled. "He said he likes smelling the fumes of the dead."_

 _"_ _Come on! Let's go!"_

Dear Diary,

I got a phone call today that initially got me extremely happy and excited, but then reminded me I had four other kids that just got a brand new opportunity to embarrass me.

I picked up the phone when it rang, and it was Oswald Cobblepot talking to me, an upstanding businessman that was in no way related in anything illegal or murderous whatsoever. He was the host of a local television show, Late Night with Oswald Cobblepot, and he wanted Bruce Wayne to be a guest on the show. I immediately agreed, since it was a great opportunity for Master Bruce, but then, Mister Cobblepot said the words that broke my soul.

"Great, bring the kids to set this afternoon!" he exclaimed, excitedly.

"Kids? Like in plural, like more than one kid?"

"Of course. I think it's a very inspiring and heartfelt story! How many street kids do you have now? Three?"

I hesitated. "I have five kids. But only two I'm proud of."

Apparently, they heard me, as Master Bruce and Miss Quinzel laughed from upstairs, and Miss Kyle screamed, "Gee, thanks Alfred! I love you too!"

My attention returned to Mister Cobblepot, and I replied, "Alright, I'll bring all five. Thank you for your time, Mister Cobblepot."

"Just don't tell Fish."

I hung up the phone and got the kids into their fanciest clothes, which were the same clothes they wore to the Quinzel's ball. Master Bruce had his suit and Miss Quinzel had her dress, but Miss Kyle and Miss Quinzel re-wore their torn skirts and Mister Crane wore an entirely black tuxedo, undershirt, and tie.

We had an interesting new seating arrangement in the car. Miss Kyle made Master Bruce sit on her lap, Miss Pepper leaned on Mister Crane and rubbed against his arms dreamily while he slept, and Miss Quinzel sat properly with her legs crossed and her hands in her lap. I was beginning to like her best.

We arrived at the television studio late in the afternoon and went through security to find that Mister Crane was carrying an excessive amount of chains and a voodoo doll with needles in it. I would have to watch that boy at night.

We were told to wait in the back. I wasn't going out, as I was much too shy for television business, and I would likely ruin things for Master Bruce with my stuttering. Master Bruce started getting a bit nervous just before he was going on, but it seems he was the only one. Finally, I heard Mister Cobblepot's voice from backstage, "Now, our next guest is a multi-billionaire, and heir to the Wayne family company. He's here to share his inspiring story about taking in so many homeless children. Please welcome Bruce Wayne!"

Master Bruce walked out from behind the curtain slowly, waving to the studio audience, and was immediately pushed out of the way by Miss Kyle, waving more ecstatically and happily. Master Bruce took the first chair next to Mister Cobblepot, and Miss Kyle surprised the crowd by jumping on his lap. The others settled on the couch, and I face palmed until I realized others were watching me backstage. I watched the interview on the television backstage.

"Mr. Wayne, it is so nice to finally meet you." Cobblepot smiled, warm and typical of a television host.

Master Bruce smiled. "Thank you, Mr. Cobblepot. It's a pleasure to be here."

My self esteem rose a little bit.

Mr. Cobblepot motioned to the other kids, making me bite my fingernails. "Perhaps your friends could introduce themselves?"

Miss Kyle raised her hand, grinning. "My name is Cat! Bruce has a crush on me."

Once again, I hid my face and slapped my forehead. Mr. Cobblepot laughed and looked to the audience. "Well, well! Any chance we're getting a sample of that?"

Miss Kyle eyed Master Bruce, making him blush, and then kissed him on live television, nuzzling his face with hers like a cat. The crowd cheered wildly, and the kids kept introducing themselves.

"My name is Harleen Quinzel. You can call me Harley."

"I'm Ivy. I hate humanity. Jonny is my boyfriend."

Mister Crane raised his hand. "Jonny. I did not know that until just now."

Mr. Cobblepot laughed. "So how did you all come together? Can you give me a story?"

Miss Kyle yelled, "Alfred was the one that brought us together. He's over there!"

I froze as Miss Kyle pointed to me, and the cameras and lights panned towards me until I was at the center of the screen. Everyone was staring at me, and I just froze like a deer in headlights, slowly bringing my hand up to wave at the camera and attempting a smile.

Miss Kyle continued talking. "I was trying to climb up to Bruce's room up a tree yesterday, and Alfred scared me and made me fall out, so I told him I'd get revenge. This is my revenge!"

Mr. Cobblepot, clearly amused with Miss Kyle and Master Bruce, asked her, "What were you doing trying to get to Bruce's bedroom?"

"Well, he's blushing again, so what do you think?"

Cobblepot laughed hysterically, his audience following suit. He turned to Miss Quinzel and smiled. "So I'm getting the sense you have to put up with this madness."

Miss Quinzel shrugged, turning a bit red.

Cobblepot clapped his hands. "Okay, we're almost out of time, so is there anything else you want to say?"

Miss Pepper raised her hand. "Alfred's not feeding me."

"That's a lie!" I yelled, accidentally pulling the camera back towards me.

Cobblepot looked back into the camera, smiling. "Alright, that's all folks. Join me next time on Late Night where I'll be interviewing Oliver Queen and Jim Gordon once he accepts my invitation! Remember, if you tell Fish or Maroni, I will literally murder your faces! Good night!"

 **To explain an inevitable question about Fish watching the show: Do Fish and Maroni look like they watch TV?**


	19. The New Bathroom

_On their way to the Gotham cemetery, the gang accidently runs by Ed on a park bench, which sucked, because they lied to him and told him the trip was going to be educational._

 _"_ _What did you learn?" Ed asked, catching the kids trying to sneak by._

 _"_ _We learned..." Cat started, "That... the sum of three or more coefficients-"_

 _Bruce continued, "That have the same product will-"_

 _"_ _Create an angle whose divisors are equal to-" Ivy said._

 _"_ _Pi?" Harley finished, and the four smiled and waved to Ed._

 _Ed nodded. "Sounds about right." He went back to reading his newspaper, and the four kids continued to the cemetery._

Dear Diary,

Today, straight away in the morning, Miss Quinzel skipped into my room, looking angry. I asked what was wrong.

"Bruce is taking forever in the bathroom, again." she whined. "I mean, what's he even doing in there? Cat and Ivy are about to break down the door."

I sighed, "We only have one working bathroom, Miss Quinzel."

"I know, but-"

Miss Kyle interrupted her by walking in, combing her wet hair with a toothbrush in her mouth. "Never mind, we found a solution. Ivy is brushing her hair in there, and Bruce is showering behind the curtain."

My eyebrow perked up. "Our shower curtain is clear."

Miss Kyle shrugged. "I didn't say he agreed."

Miss Pepper walked in after her, with her face washed and her hair wet. "I gotta say, Bruce is a bit smaller than we imagined."

I sighed. "Wait, where's Mister Crane?"

"He never uses the bathroom. Like, ever. I find that hot." Miss Pepper gazed dreamily at the ceiling.

Master Bruce ran into my room, still sopping wet and tying up the belt on his bath robe. Dripping all over the floor, he yelled, "Alfred, I've just been violated!"

I remembered the Waynes did have a second bathroom, but the toilet was broken and the shower needed a paint job, and I could never get around the fixing it. I had time now though.

"Alright," I said. "How about I fix up the second bathroom, and we can have a boy's and a girl's bathroom in this house?"

Miss Quinzel, Master Bruce, and Miss Kyle cheered, but Miss Pepper looked confused. "I kind of like the current arrangement."

Master Bruce and Miss Quinzel glared at her angrily, and Miss Kyle ran down the stairs, yelling, "I call the downstairs bathroom!"

Later that day, I called a contractor to work on the toilet, and I went out to the hardware store for some paint for the shower. Halfway through, the girls came in to admire their new bathroom. Miss Kyle raised her hand and tapped me on the shoulder while I was painting.

"So if this is our bathroom, we can paint stuff on it, right?"

I knew where she was going. "No, Miss Kyle. I'm not painting a bloody cat on the wall."

"But Jonny is painting skulls on his bathroom!"

"What?" I yelled, dropping the brush and running up the stairs to find the boy's bathroom empty. I knew what was happening and went back downstairs to find Miss Kyle starting on her mural of a cat on the wall. I grabbed the brush out of her hands and shooed the girls out of the bathroom.

I had finally finished a few hours later, and the contractor had finished on the toilet. It was approaching night time when I called the girls down to admire my handiwork. For some reason, they looked rather skittish. That wasn't good. Master Bruce and Mister Crane arrived behind them, chewing nervously on their lips.

"What happened?" I asked.

Miss Quinzel stuttered, "So, Cat wanted the special toilet paper in our bathroom."

"And Jonny wanted it for our bathroom." Master Bruce whimpered.

"And so they started fighting over it, and they knocked the toilet paper rolls into the toilet." Miss Pepper said.

I looked confused at them, until I saw the trail of water leading down the stairs. I ran up the stairs and opened the bathroom door to see the toilet completely clogged and the bathroom totally flooded, water springing up from every crack in the room.

"It was Cat's fault." Mister Crane said, in his wheezy, whispery voice.

"But look at the bright side!" Miss Kyle yelped. "We can all share a bathroom again!"

I turned around, fuming, and the kids started to run. I chased them back down the stairs and lost them when they locked themselves in the new bathroom, Miss Kyle giggling under her breath.


	20. The Waynes Go Bankrupt

**Okay, some news for you people, I've just won a big legal battle permitting me to use FanWriter83's character Jack in this story! (Just kidding, I asked politely.) So you know who the final member of the gang is going to be now... And just in time for the twentieth chapter! But first, the Waynes go bankrupt...**

 **** _The kids found Jonny sitting on the fence surrounding the cemetery, staring at the stones._

 _Cat ran up to him with the diary, cheering excitedly. "Hey, Jonny! Guess what we have!"_

 _Jonny sighed, "Depressing to look upon the stones of the dead, knowing we await the same fate."_

 _He grabbed the diary, flipping through the pages. "Is this Pennyworth's?"_

 _"_ _Yep!"_

Dear Diary,

A representative from Wayne Enterprises called me this morning with bad news. Apparently, we had invested over half our company in stock which had plummeted, and the Waynes had lost over sixty thousand dollars. They were working to find a solution as quickly as possible, but the company was currently bankrupt. Of course, Master Bruce had a right to know, but it had to be handled right.

Master Bruce came down for breakfast with Miss Kyle and Mister Crane, the others having supposedly gone into town to cause mayhem. Those were Mister Crane's exact words, which worried me.

"Master B," I said while he was pouring juice. "I have bad news."

Miss Kyle held up her hand. "How did you- okay, I'll tell him." She turned to Master Bruce, put a hand on his shoulder, and whispered, "Ivy found your baby pictures."

Master Bruce's jaw dropped. "My pictures?"

"You were getting a bath in one of them. Your butt is adorable."

"That's not it." I said. "The company just lost a bunch of money in stock. They're trying hard to find a solution, but for now, Wayne Enterprises is completely bankrupt."

The kids were silent until Miss Kyle clapped her hands together and smiled. "Problem solved! We'll just make some more money!" she and Master Bruce ran off towards the yard, and Mister Crane sighed.

"Well, I have to go see what they're doing."

I put away breakfast and started cleaning up a bit. I started reading for a few hours, and finally went to check on the kids when I heard a commotion outside. It sounded like a bunch of people talking. I came out to the backyard and found a large group of people standing in the yard and waiting for something. I found Master Bruce wearing Miss Pepper's green sweater and ripped pants, and Miss Kyle and Mister Crane holding wads of money.

"What is the meaning of this?" I yelled, trying to be heard over the crowd.

Miss Kyle smiled. "It's a fashion show! We made these people come here to watch Bruce model our clothes!"

"How did you get these people to come?"

"I told them Lil Wayne was going to be here, which he is." Miss Kyle hugged Master Bruce.

I grabbed the money out of her hands, and it was five hundred dollars at the most. "You can't possibly think this is enough to save the company."

"Of course not." Mister Crane sighed.

"So, while Bruce is performing, Jonny and I are going to go pick people's pockets!" Miss Kyle exclaimed, running off to the crowd while Master Bruce started putting on Miss Quinzel's red and black dress. I found a chair and sat down in it, covering my face until it was over.

Miss Kyle and Mister Crane actually came back with a little more than a hundred dollars, a watch, and a bag of something I'm not going to write down in case someone reads this. It still wasn't enough to save the company, and despite my warnings, the kids kept trying.

Next, Miss Kyle went into the city for a while, and returned a few minutes later with a grin on her face and a handful of cash. I asked her what she had done.

"I simply asked people for money, and they gave it to me."

"Oh, really? Then why is Mister Crane hauling away our garbage can?" I asked, noticing Mister Crane in the driveway, dragging two metal garbage cans past the door.

Master Bruce gave it away. "She told a bunch of people that the president was staying here, and she was in town selling his 'stuff'"

Miss Kyle shrugged. "Hey, it's not my fault people are stupid enough to buy stuff just because the president touched them."

It was night time when I got a phone call from Wayne Enterprises. Apparently, they had made a partnership deal with Falcone, giving them enough money to continue their business until they could get off of Falcone's support. Master Bruce wouldn't be too happy about it, but at least it was something. Perhaps the company would get better?

I came down to the kitchen to give Master Bruce the good news, and Miss Kyle was fondling a cheque for fifty dollars. She was quite skittish when I told her.

"So I didn't need to do this?" she asked, handing me the cheque with a note attached to it, reading, 'From Don Falcone, My condolences for the unfortunate death of Alfred Pennyworth."


	21. Jack in the Park

_Jonny stared down the diary for a while, and then cracked a smirk. "Are you showing everyone?"_

 _Cat shrugged. "That was the idea."_

 _Jonny thought for a bit. "Jack is at Gotham General Hospital. He's dressed as the Grim Reaper and waving to the patients through the window."_

 _"_ _Then come on!"_

 _Jonny hopped off the fence and joined the gang, as they headed off for Gotham General._

Dear Diary,

I was supposed to meet Detective Gordon at the Gotham Park today to talk about Miss Kyle. I, of course, had to go to see if it was the day he was finally taking her back. That meant I had to bring the kids. The park was huge though, so as long as I told them to play far away from my person, I would be okay.

I brought them to the park, where I found Detective Gordon waiting for me with Detective Bullock on a park bench. A fair way away from them, still walking in the park, I heard a yelp coming from my group. I turned back to find Miss Quinzel rubbing the back of her head.

"Someone threw a can at me! I swear, I'm going to-" she didn't get to finish before she turned around and stopped mid-sentence, her jaw dropping and turning into a smile, her eyes drooping dreamily. She sighed, and the rest of the kids turned to see what she was looking at.

It appeared to be a boy, smirking proudly at her and lying on the grass beside a pile of soda cans. He appeared to be around her age, perhaps fourteen or fifteen. His brown and green-dyed hair was spiked up with gel and dirt, and he wore a ragged dress shirt he had probably stolen over black cloth street clothes.

Miss Quinzel seemed unable to move, having to lean on Master Bruce to keep herself from falling over. She smiled, dazed, and waved at the boy. He waved back, and she fell over Master Bruce onto the ground.

"Alright, you kids play here." I said. "I have to go talk to Detective Gordon."

The kids nodded, and scattered to go play, while I met Detective Gordon on the bench.

"Hello, Alfred." He smiled, inviting me to sit down. "How's Selina?"

"As well as can be expected. She's rather restless."

Detective Gordon nodded. "So, I recently met with Harvey Dent, the assistant district attorney, and he's... concerned about our current arrangement. With Selina, I think you-"

Detective Bullock laughed as a silver flying can hit the side of Gordon's head. I looked over at the kids, and they were all hanging around that boy, laughing.

Detective Gordon decided to ignore them, and continued. "See, I know you're caring for her, and this is the best arrangement for us, but witness protection can be very complicated. I'm afraid a bit more authentication will be needed from you."

"Of course. Are there forms I need to fill out?"

"Yes, there are a few forms, but you'll also need to stop by the DA's office and show Dent a licence I can give you. It-" Another can was thrown at Detective Gordon, hitting the side of his head and landing on the floor. I was going to apologize, but he again ignored it.

"It won't be much trouble." He continued, "I think the most hassle you'll get out of it is a two-day renewal time while it's being processed. Around five tomorrow, you can go to the DA's office and-" Finally, a stick was thrown at Detective Bullock's head, knocking him unconscious. I picked up the stick, and attached was a note that read, "Joke's on you, Cheeves!"

I had enough. I called the kids over to apologize to the Detectives, and they brought the boy over. Miss Quinzel held his arm, feeling his biceps and giggling. Master Bruce was once again my favorite.

"Hi, Alfred!" she beamed, giggling and leaning on the boy. "This is Jack. He's from the streets."

He smiled a toothy grin at me, mischievously, "My name is Jack. My last name is Kerr."

"Jack Kerr?" I asked.

"Yeah, but my parents had a European accent, so the 'a' makes kind of an 'oh' sound."

"Jo Kerr?"

The kids looked at each other, and then nodded, guessingly.

"Anyway," Miss Quinzel yelped, "He's from the streets and he likes me, so I said he could stay with us!"

I gasped. "No way. I am not letting this delinquent into Wayne manor!"

"I wasn't asking." Mister Kerr grinned. "Now drive us home and make me a sandwich." He dug into his pockets and pulled out a nickel, throwing it at me and hitting my forehead. "There's more where that came from." He laughed hysterically, Miss Quinzel adding her own evil giggles, and the two of them laughed all the way to the car. The other kids looked at each other, confused, and followed.

I sat back down next to Detective Gordon, sighing. "You have a girlfriend, don't you?"

Detective Gordon looked taken aback. "Yes, I do."

"Don't ever have kids."

Another stick flew through the air and hit Detective Gordon in the head, knocking him to the ground unconscious next to Detective Bullock. I hear Mister Kerr yell, "Hurry up, Old Man! Or no tip!" followed by more laughing, and I dragged myself back to the car.


	22. How to be a Bad Boy

_The kids were heading towards the hospital when Cat stopped in her tracks, listening to a conversation from outside the door of Fish Mooney's nightclub that she just had to hear. There was some booing going on inside, and then crying. Fish yelled, "All of you stand-up comedians are terrible! Aren't there any good acts in this town?"_

 _Selina grinned at the others, and they smiled back reassuringly, before she ran inside the club and the others heard applause._

Dear Diary,

It turns out that breakfast had gotten much livelier since we took in Mister Kerr.

"You know, ever since I started weight training, I've been a lot better with the girls." he smirked, with the other kids listening intently. "The last five I killed didn't stand a chance!"

He burst into maniacal laughter, and Miss Quinzel giggled like an idiot, while the other kids pretended to laugh, looking scared. I pretended I didn't hear.

"But seriously, I've learned a lot from the ladies. Like, don't break their heart, they only have one. Instead, break their bones. They have two-hundred and six!" Once again, Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel were the only ones laughing maniacally, while the others backed away a bit. Finally, Mister Crane, who had remained still the entire time, finally said, "That's hilarious," and made all the kids including Mister Kerr back away.

"So, Cheeves," Mister Kerr turned to me, grinning. "Harley and I are going into town later. I'm going to teach her how to throw a knife."

I mumbled under my breath, "Whatever gets you away from here."

"I'm coming with you!" Miss Kyle exclaimed. "I haven't gone anywhere in forever."

The three threw down their utensils and skipped out the door, leaving Master Bruce, Miss Pepper, and Mister Crane. Master Bruce looked rather upset, and I was unfortunate enough to overhear their conversation.

"What's wrong, Bruce?" Miss Pepper asked.

Master Bruce was silent for a while. "Do you think Cat likes Jack because he's, you know, bad... and stuff?"

"Yeah. She's into bad boys and stuff like that."

Master Bruce sighed. "Do you think you could teach me how to be bad like him?"

"Oh yeah, you like her. Yeah, I can do that."

Mister Crane joined in. "It'll be fun."

A few hours after breakfast finished and Miss Kyle was still gone, Miss Pepper and Mister Crane took Master Bruce down the stairs, whispering to him.

"Why are we doing this here?" Master Bruce asked.

Miss Pepper sighed. "We're doing this in front of Alfred to teach you to defy authority. Now pretend I'm Cat. What are you going to do?"

Master Bruce didn't do anything for a long time, and then Miss Pepper got tired of him, and pushed him onto the couch. "See, that's your problem. A bad boy would say, 'What's up?' then grab her butt and get her to make a sandwich."

"Wh-why?" Master Bruce asked.

"Because it's bad! Girls dig that. Now, let's go up to Jonny's wardrobe and make some changes to Sergeant Sweater Vest."

"But Jonny is taller than me."

"It'll be a bit big, but it'll look cool."

The three went upstairs, and I pretended like nothing happened until the front door burst open half a day later and Mister Kerr, Miss Quinzel, and Miss Kyle came in, laughing like maniacs.

"Alright, so a boy and his father are walking through a dark forest, right?" Mister Kerr yells through his insane laughter. "The boy says, 'it's dark out here, I'm scared!' Then the dad says, 'How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!'"

Miss Quinzel laughs hysterically, holding onto Mister Kerr's arm.

I hear people coming down the stairs, and put down my paper to witness the show. Master Bruce came down dressed entirely in black. His hair was spiked up with gel, and he was wearing eyeliner that I didn't know belonged to Miss Kyle, or Mister Crane. Miss Kyle looked up at him, smirking. Miss Pepper and Mister Crane sat down beside me.

"Wh-wh-what's up, Cat?" he asked, making his voice so deep, he had to cough a bit.

Miss Kyle stared at him, quizzically.

Miss Pepper stared at Master Bruce from behind her, mouthing something to him. I noticed Master Bruce's hand trembling like he was drunk, as he brung it up behind Miss Kyle and hovered it above the seat of her pants. Miss Pepper kept silently encouraging him, and he finally touched Miss Kyle's butt with his hand for a fraction of a second.

"Were you trying to squeeze my butt?" she asked.

Master Bruce kept stuttering until Miss Pepper silently told him to stick to the script. He trembled, saying, "Let's get out of here. M-make me a sandwich, b-b-bitc- I can't say it! It feels dirty!"

Miss Kyle turned back confused to see Miss Pepper burying her face in her hands, and instantly understood what was happening. She turned back to Master Bruce, smiling, and grabbed his still-shaking hand. She placed it on her butt and touched her nose to his quivering face. "Come on, you bitch. Let's go get you that sandwich."


	23. Alfred's Mid-Life Crisis

**To answer a question concerning Jack's last name that has come up a few times, Napier just doesn't sound Joker-y enough to me. With Kerr as a last name, you would be able to guess he was the Joker even if you don't read comics or watch the original Batman movies. Also, do Joker and Harley have a couple name, like BatCat? Let me know if they do, or try and make one up from Jack and Harley. I honestly can think of nothing.**

 **** _Cat found Jack dressed in a hood and skull mask outside the hospital. He had finished making the patients cry and started harassing small children. He was standing at a bus stop, leaning against the wall, and waved to a group of passing kids, saying, "See you soon."_

 _She ran up to the boy, waving the diary like a flag and yelling, "Hey, Jack! Guess what we have!"_

 _Jack turned around. He took off his skull mask and grinned. That's when one of the kids from before yelled, "He's not real. He's just wearing a mask!"_

 _The kids came back, angry, and one of them stomped on Jack's foot. He yelped in pain, and the kids stormed off, letting Cat hand him the diary._

Dear Diary,

I was not going to lie. This morning, I woke up and looked in the mirror. My hair was grey, my face was wrinkled, and my eyes had bags under bags. I was getting old, and I wasn't happy about it.

I cracked my back and arms, the loud cracking sounds making Miss Kyle think someone was breaking in, and rubbed my eyes to get out of bed. It was early, so the kids probably weren't up yet, so I went downstairs to make myself an egg and a cup of tea. Instead, I overheard a conversation between Miss Quinzel and Mister Kerr from behind the stairs.

"You are going to have so much fun today, babe. I'm talking non-stop party all day long." said Mister Kerr.

Miss Quinzel giggled. "Whatever you say, Puddin'. As long as we're together."

"That's my Harley Quinn. You are going to feel so alive, your heart is going to explode."

It was perfect! No one could make me feel younger than Mister Kerr, and now he was going on a date. I had to come along to feel younger, but I couldn't make it obvious. I had to maintain my air of authority.

I came out from the corner, my hands behind my back. "Excuse me, Miss Quinzel, did I hear you were going out of town?"

Miss Quinzel stuttered. Mister Kerr growled, "Her name is Miss Quinn now."

"Anyway, I could not be your guardian if I let you go alone. I suppose I'm going to have to go with you."

Miss Quinn and Mister Kerr looked at each other, both of them cracking grins, and then looking back at me. "Alright, Old Man. You can come with us."

I nodded, and went to get my coat. I walked past the other kids, and thought about bringing them. But then I thought I could lock them in the house, and Master Bruce was not finished puberty, so they couldn't have too much fun. I was getting old anyways.

I went downstairs to meet them, and Mister Kerr said he would give me directions in the car. Miss Quinzel came with us, and I started driving down the road.

Mister Kerr's first directions were to an abandoned factory downtown. I parked in the back. He told me to stay in the car with Miss Quinzel while he ran to get some things. Two minutes later, he returned with what might have been blood splattered on his gloves, and a handful of toy guns, knives, and bombs that looked like they were designed for a deranged four-year-old. (and one very real looking bomb that I didn't want to ask about.)

"Okay, I'm back." he said. "I got some red paint on me, but I got them! We're going to have fun with these!"

He laughed maniacally, followed with Miss Quinzel's giggles, and I followed his directions, driving off into town. Our next destination was Don Maroni's diner in the shadier part of town. Slowly, I got out of the car and followed the two kids in to find a bunch of eating businessmen.

"Attention!" Mister Kerr announced. "I will be the stand-up comedian for your dining pleasure, the Joker! Now, please put your hands together for my lovely assistant, Harley Quinn!"

Miss Quinzel blushed at his compliment, holding up a few toy knives and guns. I tried to hide my face as no one clapped.

"Thank you, thank you!" Mister Kerr announced. "Now, originally, I was going to ramble on about airplane food and the origins of chicken, but instead, how about a little prop comedy?" he held up the real-looking bomb that made a few patrons gasp and caused on woman to faint. "I now have the uncanny ability to blow this place and all of you people to smithereens! Now... do the Macarena."

After the patrons had finished their dance, Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel left, laughing, while I followed. As soon as we got in the car, I turned around, confused. "Was that a real bomb?"

"No, don't be stupid! This is just a harmless novelty item!" Mister Kerr threw the bomb out the window, and behind the car, there was a flash of light and a loud bang. I found it opportune to drive away quickly.

I was about to drive home when we saw Detective Gordon and Detective Bullock on the street, discussing a case. Mister Kerr told me to stop next to them.

"Come on, Jim. Give it up." Bullock sighed, sipping his coffee. "We're out of clues."

"No, we still have a witness. Once, Mr. Campbell is conscious, we can get a sketch and-"

I stopped next to them, and Mister Kerr rolled down the window, grinning.

"I did it. Now drive, Old Man! Drive!"

I started the car and drove away as fast as I could and rode away into the alley as the two detectives chased us for a while on foot. Miss Quinzel and Mister Kerr laughed uproariously, and I slumped back, trying to get back to Wayne manor. Suffice to say, I certainly did not feel old.

I was going to have to apologize to a few people later.


	24. Mad Love (Qwaynzel, Jalina)

_Jack laughed maniacally at the diary, flipping through the pages. "I have an idea!"_

 _Cat snuck next to him, grinning, and making Harley run up and kick her in the shins._

 _"_ _Every once in a while, there are sharing circles in the streets where people come talk about their feelings. It's a great place to share things like diaries."_

 _Cat looked over at the others. Ivy shrugged, and Bruce nodded, permitting her to do it. Together, the six of them headed to the street._

Dear Diary,

"The City is Buzzing over Gotham's Newest Power Couple: Bruce Wayne and Harleen Quinzel."

Once I showed the kids the morning newspaper's front page headline, they had gone ballistic. Miss Pepper and Mister Crane laughed, while Master Bruce and Miss Quinzel tried desperately to console their respective 'partners,' both equally upset.

"I swear, Selina," Master Bruce said, trying to get Miss Kyle to talk to him again. "It's not like that."

"You two were holding hands!"

"We were at a movie and a few guys from the Gazette saw us! That's all!"

There was a camera flash, and I looked over at the window to find a cameraman, trying to get a picture of Master Bruce and Miss Quinzel eating breakfast together. I closed the curtain as fast as I could, and Miss Kyle and Mister Kerr stormed off. Master Bruce and Miss Quinzel slumped back in their seats, sad.

"Aren't you glad no one cares about us?" Miss Pepper smiled at Mister Crane.

"We care not how we are perceived, for in death, the devil greets us all as equals."

A few hours later, I walked into Master Bruce's bedroom to inform him of a change in marketing at Wayne Enterprises, when I found Miss Kyle trying to put on a strapping black gown and Mister Kerr in a tuxedo with a flower on his lapel. I asked them what they were doing.

"If Harley wants to get into Bruce's pants, four are playing at that game." Mister Kerr sneered, laughing evilly.

I looked at him confused. I didn't want to tell them that I had Master Bruce and Miss Quinzel running an errand for me the other day when the picture was taken.

Master Bruce and Miss Quinzel came into the bedroom, ready to apologize again, when they saw Miss Kyle and Mister Kerr together. Master Bruce's mouth gaped open, and Miss Kyle took her cue to get her revenge.

"Oh, hi Bruce. Jack was just taking me to the ball tonight, and we were getting ready."

Mister Kerr grinned. "Oh yeah, a fun-filled night of dancing, laughing, maybe even sharing a glass?"

While Master Bruce was frozen, Miss Quinzel stomped her foot against the ground furiously, and stormed off for the living room. Miss Kyle cracked a small grin, tapping Mister Kerr's nose and making him laugh hysterically.

I had only just got back down to the living room when Mister Kerr and Miss Kyle followed me down to find Master Bruce lying on the floor, struggling, while Miss Quinzel sat across his waist and leaned over to kiss him. When Miss Kyle came in, Master Bruce started struggling harder, but he never did have any abs.

Miss Kyle scoffed, and Mister Kerr yelled, "Harley, what are you doing?"

Miss Quinzel leaned up, letting Master Bruce take a deep breath, and smirked, "I'm sorry, I thought you were with Cat."

"Challenge accepted." Mister Kerr swept Miss Kyle off her feet, leaning her over to kiss her, which only made Miss Quinzel scoff. Before Master Bruce could get enough air to speak, Miss Quinzel came back down on him and kissed him again. I left the room when Miss Quinzel started unbuttoning his shirt and he started screaming with his mouth closed.

It was dinnertime when Miss Quinzel, Miss Kyle, and Mister Kerr came downstairs glaring at each other, and Master Bruce started to stare at Miss Quinzel, and doing a mixture of shuddering, and remembering something very fun.

Mister Kerr poured himself a smoothie, and then inserted two straws into it to share with Miss Kyle, never taking his eyes of Miss Quinzel. Miss Quinzel didn't take it well, reaching under the table and making Master Bruce turn bright red. It was then that I picked up the afternoon newspaper, and read out loud for the kids the newest front page headline, "Gotham's Newest Power Couple: Oswald Cobblepot and Fish Mooney."

"I don't think this paper is as reliable as we're thinking it is." Miss Kyle sneered.

Miss Quinzel stared at Mister Kerr, and finally sighed, "I missed you so much."

Mister Kerr scoffed. "Yeah, you'd better."

She jumped at him, and the two of them embraced each other with a heated kiss, and Miss Kyle went to go sit with Master Bruce.

"Aren't they adorable together?" she asked, laughing at Master Bruce, completely frozen and stuttering like a broken record player.

I never approved of Miss Kyle, but there are worse influences on Master Bruce.

 **Just to clarify, Mad Love was the name of an episode of the Batman Animated Series starring Joker and Harley. If you're a fan of them at all, definitely go see that, you won't regret it.**


	25. Alfred's New Girlfriend

_"_ _Dammit, it's the fuzz!" Jack yelled, looking over to see Detective Alvarez storming towards the kids._

 _"_ _Why are you scared of Alvarez?" Jonny asked._

 _Jack smiled. "See, I may have kind of sort of maybe gave out Valentine's day cards to everyone at the GCPD claiming to be from his wife."_

 _"_ _But it's September."_

 _"_ _On the plus side, if his wife ever gives up on him, Detective Dougherty, Detective Wilson, Officer Danton, and Ed are all waiting."_

 _Alvarez started screaming, and the kids took their cue to leave._

Dear Diary,

Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel were on another one of their fights, and refused to be in the same room with each other again. Meanwhile, the other four kids were down for lunch when I overheard Miss Pepper talking to Miss Kyle.

"You ever notice Alfred doesn't have a girlfriend?"

"But I do have ears." I growled, turning to her. She smiled innocently.

Miss Kyle grinned. "It's true. You're the only one of us without love, and you're old."

"It's almost sad." Mister Crane sighed.

"I don't need love to be happy." I said.

We overheard a bit of Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel's fighting upstairs. Miss Quinzel screamed, "You're such an idiot!" to which Mister Kerr replied, "And you're a dumb blonde that can't think of a good comeback!"

I shrugged and continued serving breakfast.

Miss Kyle put her fork down and pointed. "You know what, Alfred? You deserve a nice girlfriend. Later, I'll set you up with one."

I laughed. "If you do, I'll send Master Bruce to Switzerland for a week."

Miss Kyle and Miss Pepper left the house after lunch and came back a good half an hour later. I asked them what they were doing, and they mumbled something that was muffled by the sounds of Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel arguing. "I'd slap you, but I don't want to get loser on my hand," "Too late, it's already all over your hair!" I decided to leave it alone.

The kids went upstairs to go play, and an hour after, there was a knock at the door. Miss Kyle and Miss Pepper tripped over each other to get to it before me, and I asked who it was.

"Alfred," Miss Kyle beamed, opening the door. "Meet Svetlana Romanoff!"

I didn't want to admit it, but Miss Romanoff was rather beautiful. She was tall and had long blonde hair and wore a sultry purple dress with sparkles on it that still looked marvelous. She was fair and thin and absolutely gorgeous.

I pulled Miss Kyle over. "Why is Miss Romanoff here?"

"She's your date!" Miss Pepper yelped, inviting Miss Romanoff inside. I didn't want to scream in front of her, so I was going to have to in a back room somewhere.

"Come on, Alfred! Everyone needs a little love." Miss Kyle said, pushing me into the kitchen after her, despite my quiet protesting.

They sat us down at the kitchen table, next to each other. Miss Kyle gave us the menu, which was really just the receipt from grocery shopping last week. Miss Romanoff laughed, a vision of perfection.

"I think it's adorable what your kids are doing for us." she smiled. "They're so sweet."

That's when Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel started arguing again, and I prayed Miss Romanoff didn't hear. Miss Quinzel shouted, "I have never seen a bigger dick than you!" to which Mister Kerr screamed, "I've seen your computer history. Yes you have!"

I tried to smile for Miss Romanoff as Master Bruce and Mister Crane strolled in wearing suits with our dinner in hand. The kids had actually managed to pull together a decent looking chicken roast with a strawberry fondue, and when Miss Kyle dimmed the lights and put on a candle, I half expected something to go horribly wrong. Instead, Miss Romanoff loved the meal, which was cooked to perfection, and seemed to like me!

"So, Mister Pennyworth-" she laughed.

"Please, call me Alfred."

She chuckled. "Alright, Alfred. Tell me, how did you ever raise these kids to be so sweet?"

"Thank you, Miss Romanoff-"

"Call me Svetlana."

That's when we heard more arguing coming from upstairs. Once again, Miss Quinzel screamed, "That's it! I don't know what your problem is, but I don't need it in my life!" and Mister Kerr yelled, "I don't know what your problem is, but it's probably really hard to pronounce!"

I glared at Master Bruce, and he sighed, "I've got it." and ran upstairs to deal with Miss Quinzel and Mister Kerr.

"I'm so sorry about that." I said, turning back to Svetlana.

She laughed. "Don't be. I think it's really sweet how you've given these kids a family after they all lost theirs."

I smiled back into her eyes by the candlelight, and I noticed her coming closer and closer. That's when there was a scream, and Master Bruce came back down the stairs with his underwear on his head and the words, "Ha ha ha," spray painted on his chest. "They're really mad at each other."

I had enough. I apologized to Svetlana and ran straight upstairs to find Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel throwing things at each other and screaming, both red in the face. Miss Quinzel yelled, "If you don't have a brain, there's no point having a head!" and Mister Kerr screeched, "If that's your philosophy, then why do you wear a bra?"

"That's enough!" I yelled, loud enough to make them stop throwing things and listen. "Can you both just make up and be quiet?"

Miss Quinzel looked into Mister Kerr's eyes, and started to cry, "I missed you."

Mister Kerr scoffed, "It's about time."

Miss Quinzel jumped at him, and the two started making out. I started back downstairs to see Svetlana, but she had followed me up the stairs.

"Svetlana, I'm so sorry. I promise it will never-"

I was cut off when she got in close and kissed me on the lips with a smile. "You're a great father. I'm sorry, but I have to leave now, but I hope to see you soon."

I froze, my mouth gaping open, as Svetlana left out the door, and Miss Kyle grinned. "So I'm assuming that's where Bruce gets his lady skills from?"

 **An alternate ending I was going to do was that Svetlana was Alvarez's wife, Alvarez would scream, and Alfred would chase the kids around for a bit, but I decided to give him a little joy. Requests always welcome!**


	26. Jack's Gone

**Okay, fun shout-out to Lord Orkus and three guests requesting some spanking in this story. I don't think Alfred is going to be doing any spanking any time soon, because to write it in the first person would be kind of creepy and weird. I'm not above the kids spanking each other though, and since Bruce is running off with Silver soon, I'd say he deserves a little spanking.**

 _The kids made their way down a dark staircase and into the Flea, where a bunch of street kids were gathered around in a circle, listening to a story. Jack held the diary up and sneered, "Watch how it's done."_

Dear Diary,

I have good news and bad news, and both of them are the same thing. Miss Kyle, Miss Pepper, and Mister Kerr were all going out of town with the Quinzel's butler. Apparently, Miss Kyle had promised to take Miss Pepper to Hawaii a year ago and finally had the means to do so, while Mister Kerr loved Hawaii.

The bad news was that Miss Quinzel promised her parents she wouldn't leave town while they were gone, and thought Mister Kerr was going to stay with her in Gotham. When he snuck out to go to Hawaii while she was sleeping, she started crying for the rest of the night. Only Mister Crane and Master Bruce were down for breakfast.

"Say, where is Miss Quinzel?" I asked.

Mister Crane sighed. "She's crying her eyes out in Bruce's bedroom. You know, because the love of her life just ditched her for a tropical vacation with two other girls."

"Yes, I know. Is one of you going to talk some sense into her?"

Master Bruce must have noticed our eyes inching towards him. "Oh no, I'm not talking to her. Every time she gets upset, no one else wants to go talk to her, so I go up there alone and get violated. I've been groped, and spanked, and flashed at, and once, she just laid me down on the bed, took my pants off, and just-"

"Okay, fine." Mister Crane sighed. "I'll go talk to her, and you can sit here and be scared of a little girl with pigtails and a little red skirt."

I waited with Master Bruce while he finished his breakfast and I started cleaning the dishes for a good couple minutes, expecting to hear some screaming and crying upstairs, but instead, Mister Crane came back down completely unharmed. "She just misses Jack. Like, a lot. All we have to do is fill the void."

"So maybe dress up as Jack and say goodbye gently?" I asked.

"Exactly." Mister Crane said. "All we need is a boy the same height and shape as Jack that we can dress up. And since I'm too tall and Bruce is just the right height and body shape..."

We both looked over at Master Bruce, who sighed. "I won't know what to say!"

"Keep an earpiece. I'll feed you lines from a phone." Mister Crane suggested. It actually seemed like a pretty good idea. My childhood girlfriend from England taught me to be sympathetic towards young heartbreak.

Master Bruce sighed again, looking sad. "Please just promise me I'll be able to walk normally when I'm done."

No one answered.

Mister Crane brought Master Bruce up to get some of Mister Kerr's clothes. Mister Kerr had left his suit top at home, and Miss Kyle's spare black cloth shirt and pants were a dead ringer for Mister Kerr's, and when we spiked his hair up, they could have been brothers. I had kept an earpiece from my days in the military, so Master Bruce wore it in his ear, and Mister Crane and I waited downstairs, listening into the phone. Finally, we heard talking.

"Bruce?" we heard Miss Quinzel ask. "Why are you dressed like Jack?"

"We thought it would make you feel better."

"Aw, Bruce, that's so sweet! I think I do feel a little better."

Mister Crane looked at me, whispering, "That was easy."

I heard a shuffling, and Miss Quinzel yelped through the phone, "Wait! Come here."

Mister Crane turned off the phone and jumped onto the couch, sighing. "We should give them their privacy."

I scoffed, "Yeah, along a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs and a condom." I picked the phone back up and was just about to listen in again when Mister Crane grabbed it out of my hands and smashed it on the floor in front of me into pieces, grinning, "Young love will happen whether you want to or not. There's nothing you can do to change it."

"That was a new phone!" I yelled, and Mister Crane started to get up and run. I chased him for a good few minutes, throwing the shattered pieces of the phone at him. Soon, we winded up back in the living room, and were stopped by the sounds of Master Bruce coming back down the stairs slowly, with whispered moans of pain between each step. His hair was messed up, he was pale as ever, and his belt was gone.

He finally tried sitting on the couch while we watched him, but winced in pain and just laid down. We asked him what was wrong, and he whispered, "Never ask what Jack and Harley do in their spare time."

"She spanked you?" Mister Crane asked with a slight smirk.

Master Bruce nodded. "Among other things."

"You know, maybe we should just leave Miss Quinzel alone with her thoughts."

The front door swung open, and Mister Kerr's voice rang through the manor. "We're back!"

Miss Kyle walked in next, sighing. "We would've been heading to Hawaii right now, but the Joker over here kicked a guard in the shins and we were escorted out of the airport."

Mister Kerr shrugged. "He was being mean to my luggage."

We barely heard Miss Quinzel running down the stairs and throwing her arms around Mister Kerr with a wide grin. "I missed you."

"It's been a long day, just make me a sandwich." Mister Kerr sighed, trying to make his way up to his bedroom.

Miss Kyle stood next to Master Bruce, smiling. "Did you miss me?" she put a hand on his bottom with a playful squeeze, and he howled in pain. She looked up at me, "What's wrong with him?"

I looked over to Mister Crane, and then back at Miss Kyle. "I think he's going to appreciate you a lot more now."

 **There were a few comic and movie references in there that only a true Batman fan will get. Some more requests are coming up next, in the form of a Jalina storyline...**


	27. The Jalina Trilogy (Part One)

**Welcome, one and all, to this crazy amalgamation of all the requests I haven't done yet! This is the start of the Jalina saga, a three part series focusing on Jack and Selina's newfound relationship, and will involve more spanking, the Mask, (Which, due to the fact I haven't seen the movie will likely just be Jack on a sugar rush) and other various pubescent teenage relationship problems.**

 _"_ _Guys?" Bruce said, while Jack was reining in applause._

 _"_ _What?" Jonny asked._

 _"_ _I just got a text from Ed. He says, 'I am a head with no tail, but have a face, a voice, but not much else.'"_

 _"_ _Are we supposed to know what that means?" Cat asked._

 _Bruce nodded. "A head with no tail? It's obviously the mayor of Gotham. Head of the city?"_

 _"_ _What about the mayor?"_

 _"_ _He's coming to Wayne manor! We can't be late for the mayor!"_

 _"_ _I can." Jack sneered, taking in more applause. Cat noticed Bruce getting frantic, and grabbed the diary from Jacks hands and pushed Bruce out of the Flea, leaving Jack and the others to be booed by the crowd._

Dear Diary,

Today, none of the kids came down for breakfast, so I went up to Master Bruce's room to see what was happening. I had the pleasure of overhearing a conversation between Master Bruce and Miss Kyle.

"I'm not breaking up with you." Miss Kyle said. "I just want to take a break from us for a little bit."

"I know, but it just doesn't feel right."

"It'll just be for a few days, I promise! If I take longer, you can... spank me."

"I just don't like this."

There was a long silence, and Miss Kyle finally said in her most seductive voice, "What if I undid your zipper with my teeth again? You liked that the last time. Your little friend gave it away."

"But I just-"

"I'll undo the underpants too."

"Just... alright."

I grinned, overjoyed that the two had finally broken up and decided to leave them alone when I headed for my own bedroom to get some clothes to iron when I saw the door was closed and overheard Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel inside.

"Why are you breaking up with me?" Miss Quinzel sobbed.

"Because you're ugly, you're stupid, you're clumsy, and your laughing sounds like a cow dying. Now if that's all, go and make me a sandwich and maybe lose some weight!"

That was two out of three! I was over the moon, thinking all my troubles would be over. I stopped by Miss Pepper and Mister Crane's room to see if I could get three for three this morning, but instead, there was loud kissing noises. It was okay. I was happy with two out of three.

I went downstairs to spoil the kids with a big pancake breakfast when they were ready, and I when I had finished, I was treated to the sight of Mister Kerr and Miss Kyle coming downstairs holding hands, and I had to ask.

"Why are you two holding hands?" I asked.

Miss Kyle looked over to Mister Kerr, then back at me. "Jack and I are dating!"

We could hear Miss Quinzel screaming upstairs, which gradually turned into a soft sob and we ignored it. Master Bruce came running down, panting. "Please don't leave me up there alone with her again."

Miss Kyle sighed, grinning at me. "Well, Jack and I will be dating in a little bit. I promised the kid I'd do... something."

Mister Kerr kissed her on the cheek quickly and smirked, "Well, don't go near Harley's room. She's kind of mad at you, and my knife collection is up there with her."

"You broke up with Miss Quinzel and left her alone with a knife collection?" I asked.

"Hey, Bruce is the smart one. I'm the crazy one." We heard Miss Quinzel scream and cry upstairs, and Mister Kerr shrugged. "Well, relatively crazy."

Miss Kyle chased Master Bruce upstairs giggling, and Mister Kerr slumped out the front door. I sat down and buried my face in my hands to think, and Miss Pepper strolled down the stairs with Mister Crane, singing, "You know, a few months ago, I was your least favorite."

I shot her a scowl, and she strolled out the door.

It was late after lunch when I found Miss Quinzel sitting on the couch with her arms crossed and the fury of ten thousand supernovas exploding at once in her eyes. She seemed to be muttering what I kept thinking, "Dirty, rotten, good for nothing street cat, stole my guy, freaking steampunk chick, those stupid huge cat eyes, has the voice of a retarded four year old,"

Master Bruce was sitting as far away as possible, while Mister Crane was inching closer, obviously attracted. Miss Pepper somehow made the mistake of mentioning where Mister Kerr and Miss Kyle were on their date.

"What do you think Jack and Cat are doing at the movies?"

Miss Quinzel erupted from her anger and screamed, "Alfred, drive me to the movies!"

I stuttered, "Miss Quinzel, it might not be the best idea to see Mister Kerr again. If you really want to-"

Miss Quinzel screamed, grabbing Master Bruce and throwing him on the floor, grabbing him, and kissing him madly. I protested a bit, and Miss Quinzel started to throw her arms around him and kissed him more wildly, her hands making their way down his body.

"Miss Quinzel, you can't just-" I started, and Miss Quinzel kept Master Bruce in place with one hand while snaking down his body until her nose was touching his belt and he was struggling wildly.

"Fine, I'll drive you to the movies!" I stormed off to the car, leaving Master Bruce on the ground to frantically pull his pants back up. Mister Crane and Miss Pepper followed me, and Miss Pepper stopped behind to smirk at Master Bruce, "Wow, you got bigger since the last time I saw you."

Once all the kids had gotten into the car and Miss Quinzel was sitting beside me, we started off for the movie theater. The other three kids were sitting beside each other in the back seat awkwardly while Miss Quinzel tapped her fingers impatiently and sighed angrily. Finally, we pulled up at the movie theater, and Miss Quinzel ran inside. I ran after her, followed by the kids.

Once we were inside the theater, I had lost Miss Quinzel, and suddenly found her running into one of the screenings. I was fast enough to grab her before she could enter the dark. Miss Kyle and Mister Kerr were sitting together and enjoying the movie, laughing.

Miss Quinzel struggled against me, trying to break free when I heard a scream, and turned to see Detective Bullock running towards us. Miss Quinzel broke free and ran back to the car with a whimper, and I stopped Bullock to ask what was wrong.

"That little devil and her loony boyfriend stole my wallet!"

Detective Gordon walked up from behind him, tired. "There was only seven bucks in it. Didn't you get over it when I bought you that bagel?"

Apparently, the word 'bagel' set off Master Bruce, as he ran after Miss Quinzel back to the car, crying.

I went back to go calm them down, dragging Miss Pepper behind me. I heard her point to the theater and yell, "Her loony boyfriend is in there!"

Once we were all nestled back in the car and Miss Quinzel was hiding behind the window, I started driving when we saw Miss Kyle and Mister Kerr holding hands and running down the street, laughing, chased by Detective Bullock. Detective Gordon chased all of them, tiredly. It was only then that Miss Quinzel started giggling and smiling evilly, and I realized she really was a perfect match for Mister Kerr.

 **Just to say, I recently bought Gotham on DVD, and there's this hilarious deleted scene where Jim wakes up in a hospital, sees Penguin, and does Jim-ception and wakes up in his room. For whatever reason, I found that hilarious. Next chapter, another suggestion involving Jack and Cat getting 'drunk.'**


	28. The Jalina Trilogy (Part Two)

**A'light, this chapter is inspired by a request but not absolutely following it. I haven't seen Jim Carrey's the Mask, sadly, but I think this captures the essence of that pretty well. Thank you, unnamed guest!**

 _Cat and Bruce continued down the road back to Wayne manor, Cat flipping through the diary and laughing at the entries. It didn't look like the others were coming. Soon, they were at the edge of Wayne manor and Ed was standing outside, grinning. "Ready?" he asked._

Dear Diary,

For whatever reason, Miss Kyle told Miss Pepper to get Miss Quinzel out of the house. Miss Pepper and Miss Quinzel left a little while later with Mister Crane, saying they would find Miss Quinzel a new boyfriend. A few minutes after that, while Miss Kyle and Master Bruce were sitting on the couch together, shuffling awkwardly, (Master Bruce more than Miss Kyle) Mister Kerr came through the front door with a bag in his hands, singing, "Alfy, I'm home!"

"What's in that bag?" I asked.

Mister Kerr grinned and started laughing. "I'll tell you, but first you have to drive us to Fish Mooney's club downtown."

"You're a bunch of children. How are you going to get into a club?"

"Well, I figured you can bribe the bouncer, Cat sneaks in all the time, and I've committed three or more acts of serious crime, permitting me a free two hour visit to the club." And once again, he laughed like a maniac.

I sighed and turned to Master Bruce. "Can you stay home by yourself?"

Mister Kerr almost doubled over laughing, "No, the kid has got to come with us! It'll be way more fun with him."

Master B nodded, "Okay, let's go."

It was a quick walk to the garage and into the car, and we were off. I have to say, it was sort of amusing to witness Mister Kerr and Miss Kyle laughing and holding hands in the back right next to Master Bruce as he stared forward awkwardly.

We were there after a quick ten minute drive, and Mister Kerr leapt out of the car, running inside. I followed him and Miss Kyle trailed after, followed by Master Bruce. I had met the bouncer before, Butch Gilzean, and it was not pleasant. I gave him three hundred bucks to look the other way, and soon, we were in.

"Now can you tell us what's in the bag?" I asked.

Mister Kerr held up the brown paper bag, and pulled a bag of white candy out of it. "I got this from the dumpster at Wellzyn. It's supposed to make you drunk as five cans of beer. Perfect for kids in public."

"Hold on, I cannot allow this." I said, holding my hand up.

Mister Kerr scoffed, "Then go run off and play while the kids handle their business, won't you?"

I growled at him, and walked off to sit at a table while Mister Kerr handed out the candy. I cursed under my breath for a while, until Fish Mooney walked by with a bottle of liquor.

"My, Alfred. You seem upset. What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing."

"Would you like a drink? They're on the house. It's a good age too, 1945."

I looked back at the kids, taking down their fifth candies, and held up a glass. I gulped down one, then two, and maybe seven glasses. I don't quite remember what else happened that night, but I'll try to write down what I know.

Mister Kerr jumped on stage, quite drunk and struggling to stay on his legs. He pushed the current performer off stage and grabbed the microphone, and talked in a slurred voice. "My name is the Joker. That girl right there with the huge eyes and the nerd standing beside her is my girlfriend, and I'm going to sing her a song!"

He then proceeded to sing the first few lines of 'Just the Way You Are' until his legs gave way and he fell off the stage. The audience looked around at each other awkwardly until he got back up and cheered for himself. Miss Kyle ran up, also not able to walk in a straight line to plant a long and heated kiss on his lips until he pushed her onto a table and started spanking her. She laughed and giggled like an idiot along with him, and even Master Bruce started to cheer. I'm not going to lie. I did too.

"Sorry, Cat, but naughty girls must be punished! Bruce, get over here!" he yelled. Master Bruce leapt onstage, dug into his wallet and proceeded to throw money at the crowd. I don't quite know how much money he had, but one of the patrons dumped his wife while this was happening.

Mister Kerr jumped up, grabbed the back of Master Bruce's underwear and pulled until Master Bruce shrieked like a girl, continued to do a combination of singing and dancing onstage until all three collapsed on the floor.

Miss Mooney shushed the four of us into a back room that was sort of like a lounge, and since the hyperactive part of the drunkenness was over, we were pretty much calm and groggy.

"Okay, I have a secret." Mister Kerr said, barely comprehendible. "I have a crush on Jonny."

We all gasped, "Whoa." And Master Bruce said, "Really?"

"Yeah, he's like so hot. He wears like dark clothes and has nice hair."

Miss Kyle raised her hand. "I also have a secret. I lied to you, kiddo."

We all gasped again, and Master Bruce leaned onto her. "What did you lie about?"

Miss Kyle sighed, and put her hand on the crotch of his pants, patting him. "I have a crush on Alfred."

Mister Kerr fell down laughing, and all the kids turned to me. "How about you Alfred? Any secrets you'd like to share?"

I must remind you I was really, really drunk, because I sighed and said, "I have a crush on Fish Mooney."

We all nodded and applauded until Miss Kyle turned to Mister Kerr and Master Bruce. "Hey, you want to see something cool?" she unzipped her leather jacket and lifted her shirt up to flash the boys, who both fell down like stunned mice. I applauded, and the two laughed.

Miss Kyle jumped on Mister Kerr, and the two made out passionately while Master Bruce kissed an imaginary girl and I passed out.

The time of this writing is the day after, on which someone got us home and we were all throwing up in a toilet. I think Master Bruce is starting to feel the effects of that wedgie, and Miss Kyle has not been able to look at me for a while.

 **Do Jack and Cat ever break up? Is Harley still pissed? How long is Bruce not going to be able to walk properly? All your questions will be answered in part three of the Jalina Saga...**


	29. The Jalina Trilogy (Part Three)

_Mayor Aubrey James was sitting on the couch, and stood up when he saw Bruce and Cat._

 _"_ _Hello, Bruce. How are you?"_

 _"_ _Good, thank you, Mayor James. How can I help you?"_

 _Mayor James looked over to Ed for consent. "I'm holding a city ball for the two hundredth birthday of Gotham city. I'm getting all of Gotham's oldest families to make a speech, and I was hoping you would at least be there."_

 _Cat pushed Bruce to the side and grinned, "Speech, you say?"_

Dear Diary,

Mister Kerr and Miss Kyle seemed to have had a fun day planned at breakfast when Master Bruce came downstairs with the words _hahahahahahahahaha_ painted all over his face and body and the back of his underwear pulled up so he couldn't quite walk properly.

"Look what Jack did to me while I was sleeping!" he yelled.

Miss Kyle raised her hand, smiling. "Actually, it was also me. I did the cat on your butt."

Miss Kyle and Mister Kerr both laughed hysterically as Master Bruce tried looking at his bum by chasing it around like a dog.

Master Bruce finally gave up and sat down at the table. "You said you were only going to do this for a few days. Is that up yet?"

Miss Kyle and Mister Kerr stared sadly at each other, and then Miss Kyle said, "Just one more day."

Miss Quinzel and Mister Crane came down after, both looking pretty calm. Mister Kerr scoffed at seeing Miss Quinzel, laughing, "Look, it's street trash in a pretty dress."

Other than her eye twitching, Miss Quinzel stayed completely calm and collected, asking me, "Mister Pennyworth, may Mister Crane and I go to the mall?"

"Go ahead."

Miss Quinzel grabbed the sides of her skirt and curtsied, "Thank you, Mister Pennyworth. We will be back within the hour."

The two skipped out the door, and Mister Kerr laughed, "Okay, Cat. Do you want to go somewhere fun?"

Miss Kyle nodded, and Master Bruce said, "Are you going downtown?"

"Yeah."

"I'll come with you for a little bit. I've been meaning to see a friend of mine for a while."

Mister Kerr scoffed. "Whatever floats your boat. Be back soon, Alf."

The three left out the door, and I continued to eat breakfast by myself. I cleaned up a bit, and since I had a little extra time, I brought Miss Pepper a bowl of soup to eat in her room. It wasn't until an hour later that Master Bruce ran through the front door and screamed, "Alfred! Alfred, something bad just happened!"

I came downstairs and found him panting and sweating. I asked what was wrong.

"Jack and Selina have been arrested!"

"What?"

"They were standing in line for a hot dog, but this old guy cut in front of them and so Jack got mad and punched him in the face and it turns out the old guy was Don Carmine Falcone!"

I shook my head in disbelief. "Mister Kerr punched Carmine Falcone in the face?"

Master Bruce nodded. "Some cops took him and Selina down to the precinct and now you have to bail them out!"

I groaned and sat down. "They got themselves in there, and they can get themselves out, but I'm not going to pay for their mistakes."

"Selina won't last a day in prison!"

"Then she will have paid for her mistakes."

Master Bruce's lip started to quiver and his eyes began to glint. "But Selina's my bae."

"There are much better girls in the world than that cheeky little street cat."

That's when Master Bruce started to sit down and cry into his hands, and I groaned. "Master Bruce, you can't guilt me into doing this. I know you like her, but she can-"

Master Bruce continued crying, and Miss Pepper came down the stairs to see what was wrong. She took a look at Master Bruce and asked me, "Wow, I haven't seen him cry that much since him and Cat had their first fight. Yeah, both of them were completely heartbroken. But then she saved him from a pack of Maroni's goons and they passionately kissed in the rain. Yeah, they have been through so much together, I really don't see how one of them could ever live without the other again. You know, the people are calling them BatCat."

"Since when is Master Bruce a bat?" I asked.

Miss Pepper shrugged, "It's a long story. Cat likes nicknames. Speaking of Cat, you know that she watched Bruce for weeks from afar. She knew from first sight that she loved him, and it killed her that she couldn't get close. But then Gordon brought her here and she was so happy. Two people who loved each other more than anything else finally had each other in their arms, and nothing could possibly tear them-"

"Okay, fine! I'll bust her out of jail!" I yelled. "Just stop trying to guilt me, it's creepy."

"Okay, but first we have to go get Jonny. He likes prisons because they remind him of his childhood."

I stared back at Master Bruce and got in the car after Miss Pepper. She made a call to Mister Crane and told me he was in the front of the mall, and I found him standing with Miss Quinzel.

I parked the car and opened the door. Mister Crane nodded and said, "I heard you were going to a prison. I love prisons."

"Is Miss Quinzel coming with us?" I asked.

Miss Quinzel's eye twitched again, and she politely replied, "Of course, Mister Pennyworth. I'd be delighted to come with you."

The two got in the car and I drove off to the precinct, where Detective Gordon was waiting outside, rubbing his temples tiredly. I stopped the car and we all got out to head inside, following the Detective.

"Detective Gordon, I am so sorry about this." I said, trying to catch up to him.

Finally, we found the holding cells in the precinct and saw Miss Kyle and Mister Kerr laughing hysterically. Master Bruce ran up to the bars frantically, trying to talk to Miss Kyle, while Miss Quinzel stood staring like a deer in headlights.

Detective Bullock was against the bars, laughing at the incarcerated children, mocking them with a pen that Miss Kyle couldn't steal again. Detective Gordon sighed and told me, "See there's something you need to know. Selina can go home with the standard fee, but we did a background test on Jack. It turns out that he's responsible for a spree of crimes that the fines for add up to over eight million dollars."

"Detective, be reasonable." I said. "I can't afford that much money!"

"I can." Miss Quinzel said. She walked up to the Detective and pulled out a pre-signed eight million dollar cheque to hand to him, which he took hesitantly. He opened the cell, and Master Bruce ran inside to hug Miss Kyle. Mister Kerr, on the other hand, stared at Miss Quinzel and sneered, "I almost forgot what a snooty little rich girl you were."

"I paid the fine to keep a minor out of Arkham Asylum. I no longer have any feelings for you as a human being, and with this, I will say goodbye." said Miss Quinzel, turning on her heel to walk out.

Mister Kerr looked back at Miss Kyle and Master Bruce, sharing in a heated kiss, and put a hand on Miss Quinzel's shoulder, "Yes, you do."

With that, the two kissed, and the seven of us left back for the car, just early enough to hear Detective Bullock yell, "Wait, where's my pen? SELINAAAAAA!"

 **I felt the need to thank you guys for all the support of this story. I seriously appreciate it, really. I'm not saying it's going to happen soon, because I want to get a feel for Silver's character before I write her in, but what would you think of me using her as a villain for the group? I have some really funny ideas for her being Selina's nemesis. Up next, something kind of new...**


	30. The Secret Diaries of Everyone Else

Dear Diary,

Today, the kids were feeling especially rowdy, so I thought it would be a good idea to get them to write diary entries to express themselves a little bit. I've stapled their entries into my own diary, and I admit I may have peeked at them a bit.

 **Bruce's diary:**

Dear Diary,

This morning, Selina came into my room. She is so pretty. She skipped on her dainty little feet like a pretty little butterfly and jumped onto my bed so swiftly and gracefully, smiling as if she was an angel and showing off her gorgeous, big, emerald eyes, batting her beautiful eyelids and said, with the most beautiful voice you could ever hear, like sirens calling to you, "Hey, B. What's going on?"

I didn't know what to say to someone that gorgeous. Her skinny, fragile little fingers drummed on my bed and her tiny feet bobbed up and down, as if she wasn't even trying to be that amazing. She just naturally was. I realized too late that I was stuttering, and she laughed, a light, airy laugh that took the air out of me. I never thought it was possible for someone to be that perfect.

"I-I-I was j-just getting ready for breakfast." I said, immediately trying to take it back. She was so perfect, and I was so awkward and thin and stupid. I didn't know why she liked me, but she did.

"Okay, kid. Want to do something?"

With one graceful motion, she put a single beautiful finger on my forehead, and that was enough to push me on my back onto the bed so I was lying with my arms out. With the grace of an angel, she climbed on top of me so our noses were inches apart and I could feel her breathing.

She took my breath away. I could see every detail of her beautiful, god-given face and felt my own heartbeat racing as my adrenaline rose. There was no feeling like it, and it was incredible. Selina smiled at me and crept ever closer until I felt the weight of her body pinning me to the bed and our lips were millimeters apart, barely apart.

"Miss Kyle, get your ass off of Master Bruce!" I heard, and turned to see Alfred running into my bedroom waving a whisk in the air like a weapon. For a fraction of a second, I felt something on my nose and I turned back, just early enough to see Selina jump out the window and disappear below. I knew she would be back. What I didn't know was how someone so perfect and so beautiful could even exist in the world.

 **Cat's Diary:**

Dear Alfred, because I know that you're going to read this,

I woke up, sleepy and tired with a big mess of bedhead lying below my hood, and decided to pay Bruce a visit. I skipped in and asked him, "Hey, B. What's going on?"

He didn't say anything, and just stuttered for like a full five minutes. I swear, that kid finds anything I do sexy. I'd find that pervy and weird if he wasn't so cute. A little wrinkle appears between his eyes whenever I do something sexy, and that's kind of cute. Finally, he choked out, "I was just getting ready for breakfast."

"Okay, kid. Want to do something?" I asked. He once again couldn't say anything. Well, if I gave him a boner walking in, of course I was going to tease him a little bit more, just for fun. I pushed him onto the bed and laid on top of him so our noses were barely apart, feeling his heavy, uneven breathing as if he was already inside me. I swear, the first time we have sex, he's going to have a heart attack.

I was going to prolong the teasing because that little wrinkle between his eyes was just too cute, but that damn butler burst through the door with a whisk for some reason and bellowed, "Miss Kyle! Get your ass off Master Bruce!"

As fast as I could, I licked kiddo's nose and disappeared out the window, leaving Alfred confused and red in the face, which I found really funny.

 **Ivy's Diary:**

Dear Alfred,

A living tree died for this. I hate people, I hate mankind, and I want everyone to die. The end.

 **Jonny's Diary:**

Dear Diary,

I see the scarecrows. I see them everywhere, all around me and I have nowhere to go. I have nowhere to hide, because everywhere I go I see their glowing red eyes staring into my soul, ready to carry me back with them to the depths of insanity. They're clawing at me, reaching for me, and I can't escape from them. Worst of all, is I don't want to. They call for me, and I answer them because I have nowhere else to go. All I can do is embrace them and accept my destiny to join them in the dark. It is where I belong, and I can blame no one but the scarecrows around me.

 **Harley's Diary:**

Dear Diary,

I paid a visit to Jack this morning in his room this morning. He was sitting on his bed, examining a stick in his hands. I don't know what it was about him, but he was just so brusque and stern, but at the same time, he was funny. He could make me laugh.

"Hey, Puddin'. How are you?" I asked.

He didn't look up from the stick in his hands. Instead, he just grumbled, "Go get me breakfast and lose some weight."

See, he always could make me laugh. I giggled a bit, and left to go get him a meal. On my way down the stairs, I ran into Alfred, holding a whisk in his hands for some reason. I asked him what he was doing.

"Do you know what Miss Kyle is doing in there?" he asked.

I shrugged. I hadn't seen her.

Alfred sighed and ran into Bruce's room, screaming something at Cat. It probably wasn't important. I got Puddin' his sandwich and brought it up to him. He took a bite, and spit it out on the bed, screaming, "This has mushrooms on it!" He threw the sandwich at the wall and threw the stick in his hands at me, and stormed out the door. He was always funny like that, and I stood there thinking about how lucky I was to have him.

 **Jack's Diary:**

Dear Alfred,

I just wanted to tell you that this morning, I took a stick and ******* **** ******************* ** *with a ******** ** ******* and *********** * **** *************** so that whenever it bent, it would ******** ******** *** ************** ****** ** with a shovel and a gallon of blood, *********** ***** ********** ************** and Harley's ************* ***** ********* *** ********** in a land far, far away so that no one can hear you ************ ***** ************* ********* ***** ****************** ******** ********* ******************* ******** ********** and a big heaping helping of *********** **** ********* ************* ****** until I went to bed at night. Are you happy now, Old Man?


	31. Jim Gordon Moves In

**This chapter is based on Jim Gordon, because Jim Gordon's actor, Ben Mckenzie, celebrated his birthday the day before the time of this writing. Happy birthday, Ben. Please, film at least one episode of Gotham with a moustache. And for Halloween, we're expecting a kickass photo of the cast in their future costumes. Particularly Ed and Zsasz, because that would be so dope.**

 _"_ _Well, there's still some things that need to be arranged, but I think it's a pretty good bet you'll make a speech." said Mayor James. "Do you have one written out?"_

 _Cat grinned and nudged Bruce with her elbow, "There's the speech you made at your last birthday."_

 _Bruce scowled quietly, remembering his last birthday when she switched out the speeches to say, 'Cat is the greatest, Cat is hot, I love Cat because she has a cute bellybutton, I want to lick it,"_

 _"_ _Well, whatever the case, you'll make it in two days." the mayor smiled. "I hope to see you there."_

 _He left out the door, Ed showing him out, and Cat faced Bruce with a wide smirk, "I'm not saying we read the diary during your speech, I'm just saying we show it to some people there. Doesn't Alfred have any friends there?"_

 _"_ _The diary?" Bruce asked. "No way, I have to make a good impression. I need to represent."_

 _Cat smirked and put on her most seductive face. "I'll let you lick my bellybutton." She lifted her jacket to show off her bellybutton, which made Bruce speechless and red because of how cute it was, his tongue dangling out a bit._

Dear Diary,

Master Bruce came down the stairs in the morning today with a concerned look on his face, asking me, "Alfred, I need help."

"What do you need help with, Master Bruce?"

"Selina's trying to spank me and I don't know what to do."

"Well do you want her to spank you?"

"Uh, possibly, but... I don't... perhaps if she-"

There was a knock at the door and I went to go answer it. Detective Gordon was standing there and I invited him in.

"Look, Alfred. I need a favor." he said. "I'm in a fight with Lee, and it's nothing serious, she'll forget about it by morning. But she kicked me out of the house and the locker room at the precinct is under repair, so I was wondering if I could stay here if it wasn't too much trouble."

Detective Gordon was a good friend and an admirable human being, so of course I said yes. "Of course, stay here as long as you need."

As soon as I said that, there was a loud tumble down the stairs as Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel rushed out the door, "Hey, I gotta go and do... something, see you later!" and left. After them, Miss Kyle came down the stairs holding a whip and wearing a lacy cut-out black tank top. "Hey, B, are we going to finish this or what?"

Detective Gordon did that teeth thing he did when he was nervous, looked at me, and sighed, "Still less creepy than Ed's apartment."

"Hey, what's he doing here? Now I can't do that... thing." Miss Kyle whined, and then noticing the whip in her hands with a smirk. "Don't worry, I'll get him to leave."

"Selina," Detective Gordon growled.

"Hey, when you get angry, your voice gets all gravelly and deep! Bruce, you try it."

Master Bruce attempted to copy Detective Gordon's gruff, deep voice, but halfway through, his voice cracked, making Miss Kyle fall to the ground laughing, "Bruce, your intimidation voice is adorable! Come on, I want to punish you a little for that." she grinned, cracking her whip in the air.

I gave Gordon the guest room in the manor and told him to settle in while I prepared lunch. Master Bruce went to his room and came back down when I prepared lunch, quietly moaning in pain with each step, but with a grin plastered on his face. Miss Kyle came after him, putting her leather jacket back on and tying up her whip. Miss Pepper and Mister Kerr followed, all four heading down to the basement to do something.

Detective Gordon came downstairs with a newspaper in his hands a few hours later, laughing at something. I asked him what it was, and he showed me a rather ironic article about Don Maroni banning junk food in the schools in his district. I had to admit, it was nice having another adult in the house to talk to. Suddenly, there was a loud crash from the basement, and we rushed downstairs to see what was wrong. A shelf had knocked over and the kids stood around it, looking shocked.

"What happened here?" I asked.

The kids stuttered for a while, and Master Bruce choked out, "We were training."

I turned to Detective Gordon, ready to apologize, but there was no need. He actually found it admirable.

"Perhaps later, you could show me what Alfred has been teaching you." he said, and the kids mostly agreed, which frightened me since I'd only trained Master Bruce.

Hours after lunch was one, I was sitting by the pool in the yard, watching Master Bruce spar with Detective Gordon. Both of them had training gloves on, and I watched proudly as Master Bruce exercised the stances and positions I had shown him to perfection, rarely missing a shot. Even Detective Gordon seemed to be impressed, and I was going to have to congratulate him later.

Then the other three kids showed up, asking to spar. Detective Gordon agreed, and started with Mister Crane. Before either of them could do anything, Mister Crane jabbed a needle or something into Detective Gordon's arm.

"Ow!" he yelped. "What was that?"

"I've just given you a highly concentrated dose of cortisol. First you're going to feel a slow burn. Then, you're going to feel fear like you've never felt in your life."

"No you didn't, you just stabbed me with a safety pin!"

Next was Miss Pepper. She awkwardly put on the gloves, and Detective Gordon was ready in his fighting stance. Then, out of nowhere, Miss Pepper jumped up and planted a kiss on his stunned lips, then dropped the gloves on the ground and skipped back into the house. Detective Gordon looked over at me, and I hid my face behind my newspaper.

Finally, was Miss Kyle's turn. Detective Gordon got ready in his fighting stance, gloves up and ready, and Miss Kyle started without gloves. The two stared each other down, and Miss Kyle made the first move, bringing her leg up to kick Detective Gordon straight between the legs, bringing him to the ground, moaning.

"If you weren't a cop, I'd have clawed your eyes out too." Miss Kyle smirked, spitting on the grass. "Come on, B! I've been wondering what it was like to take a shower with you!"

Master Bruce ran after her back into the house, and Miss Pepper sat down beside me.

"Hey, remember a few months ago when I was your least favorite?"

"I have to admit, you are now my second favorite child after Master B."

"By the way, the grass says you're not watering it enough. If you don't want it to get mad, I'd pick up a hose."

I ran over to help Detective Gordon when he got a phone call. He picked it up, and it was apparently Lee Thompkins, asking him to come home. He grinned at me, getting up, and the both of us ran upstairs in the house to deal with the shower running and Miss Kyle's giggling, "I was right, this is fun!"

 **Ivy Pepper's birthday is also coming soon, so expect a special chapter for that!**


	32. The Wayne Family Road Trip

_After Bruce had sufficiently dragged his tongue across Cat's super-cute bellybutton, he went to his bedroom to go work on his speech. Cat, meanwhile, angry that Bruce had asked to be alone to write, started on the speech that she was going to swap out his with, "Cat is hot, I have a crush on Cat, Cat is sexy, Cat's bellybutton tastes like magic and aloe,"_

Dear Diary,

Something not a lot of people know about me is that I grew up in Bludhaven, a smaller sister city to Gotham, and moved here when I was employed as the Wayne's butler. One of my favorite pastimes during my childhood was going to a sweet shop there called _La Confiseri._ My mates and I would buy these sweet rolls that were like pure happiness wrapped in a pastry shell. The Waynes had permitted me to take Master Bruce a handful of times, and he seemed to love them just as much as I. However, the last time we went a few years ago, the shop had unfortunately shut down and as our only source for those rolls, we went the next few years without them.

The kids had come down for breakfast when I got the morning paper, and had to show Master Bruce one of the articles, "Master Bruce, do you remember _La Confiseri_ in Bludhaven?"

He nodded, "Yes. It was closed down, wasn't it?"

"He's rich, has a girlfriend, and speaks French?" Mister Kerr scoffed.

I ignored him. "Bludhaven recently had an election for a new mayor, and the new mayor just re-opened the sweet shop."

Master Bruce smiled, "Do you think they still have those sweet rolls?"

"Of course, it was the place's trademark."

"Fancy!" Miss Kyle grinned. "Can we go?"

"It's in Bludhaven." Master Bruce sighed, suddenly disappointed.

I shook my head. "Actually, it's only about a two hour drive there. Taking nostalgia into account, I think it's a worthwhile experience."

The kids cheered, and went to go get ready for the trip. I had to admit, I was also excited about going back to my childhood hangout. We could have lunch there and drive back in time for dinner, so why not? Half an hour later, the kids came down the stairs, Master Bruce carrying five suitcases on his back, one green, one red and black, one purple, one black, and one with kittens on it.

"We're only going for a day, what could possibly be in those?" I asked.

Miss Kyle poked her suitcase, making Master Bruce almost fall over from the weight. "I have some board games, snacks, books, clothes, and Jack brought a camera!"

Mister Kerr held up the camera around his neck. "We're making memories!"

I sighed, and went to the garage. There was suddenly a predicament. With the seven of us, there were only two cars that could take us all the way to Bludhaven. There was the Bentley, which would be a tight squeeze, or the limousine, which I worried was a bit too showy for a road trip. My question was answered when Miss Kyle started unloading the bags into the limousine. Once the kids were nestled in, I started the car and we began the drive to Bludhaven.

Two minutes into the drive, the kids had already started a game. Behind me, I heard Mister Kerr ask, "I spy with my little eye, someone who's a butler."

"Alfred!" Miss Quinzel beamed. "I spy with my little eye someone who's wearing a suit."

"Alfred!" Mister Kerr laughed. "I spy with my little eye someone who's getting paid minimum wage!"

I glared at Master Bruce, who threw up his hands defensively. "I promise, as soon as I turn eighteen, you're getting that raise."

We were silent for a while until Miss Pepper said, "I have to pee."

"Why didn't you go in the house?"

"I didn't have to pee then."

It was a couple minutes before I could find a gas station. Miss Pepper ran inside to the restrooms, and I gave the other kids some money to get snacks while I filled up on gas. I filled up and went into the station to get the kids when Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel ran out laughing, holding a handful of licorice, and the other kids ran after them looking scared. It wasn't until Detective Bullock came out, holding his hand up to me and asking for two hundred bucks that I figured out what had happened.

"You spilled coffee on his new shirt?" I asked Mister Kerr, as I got back in the car.

Miss Kyle raised her hand. "I also took his pen."

We drove away fast enough that Bullock yelling, "SELINAAAAA!" echoed in the background and disappeared into the distance.

We were in the plain area on the outskirts of Gotham city when Mister Kerr raised his hand in the rear view mirror and said, "Alfred, I have to pee."

I sighed, "Why didn't you just go in the gas station?"

"I didn't have to go then."

I stopped near a bunch of trees and waited for Jack to get out and go. He took his sweet time, but when everyone was back in the car, I turned and asked, "Okay, does anyone else need to go pee?"

The kids looked at each other, and Master Bruce slowly raised his hand. I motioned to the trees, but Master Bruce shook his head. There wasn't a gas station for miles. Miss Kyle raised her hand and said, "I'll go help him."

That scared Master Bruce enough to get out of the car and reluctantly face a tree, staring straight ahead while the others watched him. He turned back and zipped his pants back up to get into the car, and we were off again.

I drove further up the street until we got to a clearing and were about to enter Bludhaven. The kids had started another game.

"Punch buggy blue!" Miss Pepper yelled.

There was a hitting sound, and a loud cry of pain from Master Bruce.

"Ivy, we're playing punch buggy." Miss Kyle sighed.

"Yeah, so?"

"So, you're supposed to punch his arm, not elbow him in the nuts!" Master Bruce moaned in pain in the back again while Miss Kyle and Miss Pepper exchanged glances. "Those had better still work, or else my weekend is ruined."

"Punch buggy yellow!" Miss Quinzel yelped, lightly punching Mister Kerr's arm.

Mister Kerr growled, "That's a taxi, you idiot!" there was a slapping sound, and Miss Quinzel rubbed her face sadly.

Finally, the old sweet shop was appearing over the horizon. The big red letters on the front, _La Confiseri,_ brought wave upon wave of positive memories from my childhood, and I'm sure it did the same for Master Bruce. I parked up at the front, and the kids tripped over each other trying to get out and stretch. All of them were on the ground and Miss Kyle got up to stretch her back.

"Gah, I've been in there forever." she grinned, cracking her neck.

"You stepped on my kidney." Mister Crane moaned on the ground.

I opened the sweet shop door and breathed in the air, the sweet smell of the bread and pastry making me smile. Master Bruce followed me with a wide grin on his face, smelling the air. Miss Kyle and Mister Kerr burst in less subtly, running to check out the pastries in the window.

I bought Master Bruce and I some of the famous sweet rolls to take home and some various cakes and sweets for the other kids. We would eat in the car.

Right away, the kids moaned in satisfaction biting into their treats. I unwrapped one of the rolls and bit off a bit, pleasantly reminded of the times I spent in Bludhaven when I was a teenager. I finished the roll and saved the rest in a paper bag for the trip home, and started on the road back to Gotham city.

 **As always, suggestions are welcome by PM and review. Also, tell me what you want Alfred's mom to be like, because I have big plans for her...**


	33. Reggie's in Town

_Cat came up the stairs and pranced into Bruce's room while he was hunched over his writing desk, scrawling something next to a pile of crumpled up papers._

 _"_ _How's the speech going, kiddo?"_

 _"_ _It's not." Bruce sighed, looking up at Cat. "Would you mind going to play somewhere else? You're distracting me."_

 _Cat smirked with annoyance at the billionaire's words, and put her arms around his shoulders. "I'm distracting you?"_

 _"_ _Y-Yes." Bruce stammered, beginning to turn red._

 _Cat grew even more amused, bringing her head down to nudge at his neck and rubbing at his chest and stomach with her outstretched hands. "Are you sure this is distracting?"_

 _"_ _Y-Y-Yes, it is."_

 _Cat took the chance to torture him a bit more, kneeling down and rubbing his thighs with her hands, and crawling into his lap to try and caress every part of his body. "So you want me to stop doing this?"_

 _"_ _Uh... I-I-I-I don't... I don't know if-if you-"_

Dear Diary,

Mister Crane came downstairs while everyone else was upstairs to talk to me. "Hey, Alfred? You need to come upstairs. The television is broken."

I had seen that trick too many times before. "Not falling for it." And Mister Crane went back upstairs.

Miss Quinzel came down next. "Hey, Alfred? You need to come upstairs. A bat flew in the window."

"Not falling for it." And Miss Quinzel ran back up the stairs.

Mister Kerr came downstairs next, ready to convince me to come up. "Hey, Alfred? You need to come upstairs. Cat is throwing up her guts in a toilet."

"Not falling for it!"

Finally, it was Miss Pepper's turn. "Hey, Alfred? Bruce is handcuffed to a bedpost with his pants off and Cat's about to show him how she makes the boys explode in the streets."

"Alright, fine! If you kids want me to come upstairs so badly, I'll come upstairs." Angrily, I followed Miss Pepper up the stairs and to the kid's bedroom, surprisingly finding Master Bruce taking handcuffs off of his wrists and zipping his pants back up.

"You know, guys, I'm sure it's okay to lie occasionally." he whimpered, rubbing his wrists.

Mister Kerr scoffed, offended. "The Joker does not lie."

"So why did you lot want me up here so badly?" I asked.

The kids smirked, and the closet door burst open, Reggie Payne jumping out and surprising me. I went to the military with him, and he didn't age a bit. We were in the same division, so we were old friends, but he was much gruffer than I would have preferred a friend to be. Of course, the kids would like him. He was wearing Miss Kyle's goggles and one of my suits for some reason, grinning like a madman.

"Remember me, Alfie?" chuckled, the kids joining in.

I sighed. "Reggie, what are you doing here?"

"I'm visiting my old friend Alfred! Come on, don't tell me you didn't miss me."

"Okay, I won't tell you. Listen, I would love for you to stay, but we're already so busy here, and-"

Master Bruce jumped up, beaming. "I'm sure he can stay a few days until he gets back on his feet." Reggie smiled at him warmly, and turned back to me with his best impression of a cute puppy.

"Fine, you can stay." I said. "But a couple days only. And don't try to steal money like you did in Afghanistan. You still owe me ten bucks, which, due to the change in economy since then, is now around eight-hundred dollars."

Reggie followed me downstairs while the kids gossiped with each other. He told me the story of how he landed in Gotham and decided to look me up, and how Mister Kerr found him sleeping in a dumpster. I was happy to serve my old mate again, but I wasn't sure he was going to be the best influence on the kids.

I treated him to a bottle, and he went outside to smell the air. I went upstairs to go change clothes and take a shower. The kids got lunch themselves from the fridge, and I heard them go outside, which worried me enough to end my shower early and go see what was happening.

I came down the stairs to see Master Bruce training with Miss Kyle and a pair of gloves when Reggie came along. He took notice.

"You're training? Who's training you?" he asked.

Master Bruce smiled. "Alfred and Selina, mostly."

"Good choice." Reggie grinned, getting into a fighting position and holding up his hands. "Let's see what you've got."

Master Bruce looked over at Miss Kyle, concerned, then back to Reggie. He dodged the first hit, but the second got him right in the nose. I wasn't worried. Reggie could get hit with a train and get back up.

"Again, harder." he growled, and Master Bruce had another go. This time, Reggie grabbed his arm and threw him to the ground.

"Hey, that's my boyfriend!" Miss Kyle growled, punching Reggie in the face with the punching glove. Reggie seemed to like that even more.

"That's good. Harder, come on. Make it count."

Over and over again, Miss Kyle nailed Reggie in the face, and every time, Reggie would keep yelling, "Come on, put me on my back! Yes, that's it, use whatever's around you! Come on, yes, use your advantages!"

Miss Kyle almost gave up, panting tiredly, until the other kids showed up.

"Guys, come help me beat the crap out of this guy!"

Looking to each other reluctantly, they finally agreed. Mister Kerr was the first, running to sock Reggie in the face. The others joined in, kicking and punching Reggie until blood started coming out of his nose, but all he did was keep encouraging them, "Yes, come on! Show me what you've got! Punch me in the face, sock me in the stomach, come on, you can do it! Put me on my back! Come on!"

After a while, the kids started developing strategy. Master Bruce would give a punch, and Miss Kyle would kick him in the leg. Miss Quinzel took the other leg and Mister Crane tried to choke him with a handkerchief, while Miss Pepper was kissing him. I rather enjoyed watching my old mate get beat up for all of the things he did to me. That is, until Mister Kerr ran in from the kitchen with a knife.

"Alright, kids! What's going on?" I asked, coming down the stairs. Mister Kerr dropped the knife on the ground, and the kids froze.

"Alfred, come help us beat this guy up!" Miss Kyle yelled, and the kids resumed hurting Reggie, while he blatantly encouraged them, "Yes! Hit me low, come on! Put me on my back, you can do it!"

I confiscated Mister Kerr's knife and went up to my room to get some aspirin.

Finally, it was night time when there was a rustling downstairs and I had to go downstairs to investigate. Slowly and carefully, I crept down the stairs into the study to see what was wrong, and I heard a scream. It was Miss Kyle opening the fridge and finding all the milk gone.

"Miss Kyle, what are you doing here at all hours of the night?"

Miss Kyle frowned at me. "I drink milk when I'm upset. Don't judge me!"

"Why are you upset? Is it because of Reggie?

Miss Kyle sighed and sat me down on the table, and told me a long story about her issues with self-body image that I really didn't want to hear about when we heard another scream, and ran to see Master Bruce in the study.

"Master Bruce, what are you doing here?" I asked.

"I look at my case files when I'm upset, don't judge me."

"Why are you upset?"

After a long story about Master Bruce's issues with self- body image, he told me that one of his files was missing from the desk and Reggie was gone.

"What are you missing?" I asked.

Master Bruce looked over his files and said, "It's a red folder."

"Oh, I have that." Miss Kyle sighed. We looked at her, confused, and she told us the story. "This morning, I was going to pull a prank, so I replaced the stuff in your red folder with something else and put your files under my bed. I guess Reggie stole it or something."

"What did you replace it with?"

 **Bonus content: Reggie sat down in the Wayne Enterprises study hall with Miss Mathis, with a red folder in his hands.**

 **"** **Alright, Mister Payne." Mathis sighed. "What do you have for me?"**

 **"** **I didn't see anything concrete. All he has are some cobbled together theories. I have them in this folder, and if you'd like to-" he opened the folder to find the files gone, and in its place, a photo of Cat's butt with a caption that said, 'You want this, don't you?'**

 **A/N- This was a longer chapter, so I was wondering if you would want a variety of long and short chapters. I've been terrible with consistency so far, I think my longest chapter is more than two times the length of my shortest chapter. But let me know what you think! The origin of Jack seems like a popular suggestion, so I'll look into that.**


	34. Puberty and Step-Father-Hood

_"_ _Thanks for ditching us back there!" Harley yelled, coming up the stairs with the others. She stopped halfway noticing Cat and Bruce's kinky moment, but soon snapped out of it._

 _"_ _We're writing a speech."_

 _"_ _Jonny can do that. He's actually a great poet."_

Dear Diary,

I was left at home with Miss Pepper while the other kids went to the Quinzel's mansion to go play. I wasn't worried since the Quinzels had a butler that could take care of them. I was vacuuming the house when the phone rang.

"Miss Pepper?" I yelled over the noise from the vacuum. "Could you get that please?"

"Why? You're the butler."

"Yeah, well you're not the one paying me, are you?"

The phone stopped ringing, and I guessed Miss Pepper was talking to the person on the other line. After she was done, she hung up and went to talk to me. I stopped the vacuum and sat down.

"So, the others were playing at Quinzel manor, right?" she said. "So while they were there, Bruce's voice kept cracking whenever he talked, so Jack kept calling him a baby, and to prove that he wasn't a baby, Cat dared Bruce to ride a bike down the stairs."

I stared at her, confused. "But Master Bruce doesn't know how to ride a bike."

"Exactly. If Mr. and Mrs. Quinzel ever come back in town, you owe them a new wall."

"Master Bruce rode a bike down the stairs and hit a wall?"

Miss Pepper shook her head. "According to Harley, he fell off the bike, fell down the stairs, hit a wall, and a bookshelf fell on him. The Quinzel's butler called the hospital."

I dropped what I was doing and headed straight to the garage, shoving Miss Pepper into the backseat and starting the drive to the hospital. I showed the men my ID and they let me rush up a few flights of stairs, where Master Bruce was unconscious, lying on a bed with a nasty bruise on his forehead. The other kids stood beside him, some worried, some still laughing a bit.

"Is he okay?" I asked.

Dr. Thompkins came through a door and smiled at me. "He has a broken leg, a sprained wrist, and a mild concussion. He'll be just fine, though. A few weeks in a cast is all he needs. He can go home right away."

"Why, thank you, Dr. Thompkins." I said. "But what are you doing here? Things must be terribly busy down at the GCPD."

"My step-son called me and said he needed me."

I was in a daze for a few seconds, but then looked down confused at Mister Crane and Mister Kerr, and back to her. I was about to ask her when another doctor called her and she ran back down the hall.

"Isn't my step-mom sweet?" Mister Kerr grinned, bursting into laughter.

"Does Detective Gordon know?" I asked, half in shock and half in disbelief.

"I don't know. I told him, and he just opened the front door, stepped outside, and started screaming his head off." Mister Kerr started laughing maniacally.

I waited with the kids for a few hours until Master Bruce had slept off his concussion and came down to see us. He had a cast over his left leg and a band over his right arm, using a crutch to walk. His normal clothes were back on, and he seemed happy to see us. The first thing he heard was Mister Kerr sneering, "What boy doesn't know how to ride a bike?"

Master Bruce didn't say anything, and just looked at the ground sadly.

"What's wrong with him?" I asked.

Miss Kyle sighed. "He's mad because we kept making fun of his voice cracks."

I nodded and went to go help him out of the hospital and into the car. Besides accidentally hitting his cast onto the side of the car, it was easy to get him inside, and the rest of the kids filed in after him. During the drive home, Miss Kyle attempted to apologize for making fun of him, but all he did was turn red and keep staring out of the window, embarrassed. I actually kind of felt bad for him.

Miss Kyle helped him out of the car when we got home and into the living room, while Miss Quinzel nudged me. "You still owe my parents a new wall."

I followed the kids in and saw them on the couch, Master Bruce still looking down, embarrassed, and Miss Kyle doing her best to apologize.

"Come on, are you really still mad at me for making fun of your voice?" she asked.

Mister Crane sighed, "I think he's also mad that you made him break his leg, sprain his wrist, and bang his head on a wall."

Miss Kyle glared at him, scowling. She turned back to Master Bruce and smiled, "You know what? Why don't I make it up to you? While you're in the cast, I'll be your personal helper and do stuff for you. Then, we'll be even, right?"

Master Bruce sighed and finally said, "Okay." His voice suddenly cracked again, and Mister Kerr burst out laughing. Master Bruce whimpered sadly and grabbed his crutch, awkwardly limping upstairs. Miss Kyle went up to Mister Kerr and pulled his shirt up over his head, and ran up the stairs to catch up to Master Bruce.

I stayed downstairs with the kids when a few minutes later, Miss Kyle came back down and yelled, "Bruce wants lunch now!"

I sighed, "You know, as his personal helper, I'm sure he'd appreciate it more if you made his lunch."

"Why would I do that? He has a butler." And she ran back upstairs.

An hour later, I decided to bring lunch up to Master Bruce's room and found him sharing a laugh with Miss Kyle. I opened the door and put his lunch down on the coffee table.

"So, I see you two are friends again." I said.

Miss Kyle nodded. "He can't stay mad at me. Can you?" she poked his nose with her finger and made him giggle a bit.

"So how did you make up?"

"Well, first I fed him a bit. Then I locked Jack in a broom closet for him. Then he needed to pee, so I had to help him with that too, and now we're friends again!"

"You start to bond with a person after all that." Master Bruce nodded. His voice was still cracking, but he managed to control it a bit.

I nodded. "So what are you two planning to do now?"

"Well, you still have to take a shower." Miss Kyle grinned, making Master Bruce giggle with a wide grin.

There was a knock at the door from downstairs. I went to go answer it, and I saw Detective Gordon standing at the door holding a baseball glove. "Lee told me to come over here and bond with my... step-son." He must have seen Master Bruce limping down the stairs and Mister Kerr's grinning face, because he threw the glove on the ground and yelled, "That's it, I can't do this. Tell Lee I played with him, but I'm going for drinks with Harvey and Ed!"

 **Thanks, Guest A, Guest B, and Guest C! Also, thanks for all the suggestions for Alfred's mom, I'm really excited about this chapter and I'll most likely upload it on the day of the season two premiere!**


	35. The Adventures of Catgirl and Batboy

**Okay, I've actually had this idea for a while now, and I didn't publish it because I thought it was too weird and nobody would ever read it. But then it was requested and I was so happy, I rushed straight to my laptop and wrote it all in one sitting. If Gotham keeps rushing the origin stories, this is what Batman will be like (Which is not a bad thing, really...)**

Dear Diary,

Today, Miss Pepper was sick, and I insisted she stay in bed for the day. Unfortunately, she said she was a plant and got her nutrition and health from sunlight, so she instead spent the day lying on a blanket in the yard. I was going to bring her medicine when she told me she was trying to sleep.

Miss Kyle jumped up from behind me and handed me a notebook that she had written in and drawn on.

"What's this?" I asked.

Miss Kyle grinned. "Well, we knew Ivy was sick and we wanted to do something nice for her, so we wrote her a bedtime story! You can read it to her."

"Well, that's rather sweet. You all worked together on this?"

"Yep! Well, me more than the others, and some didn't really agree with a lot of it, so I had to get my whip out, but yeah, together."

I sat down next to Miss Pepper as the kids watched through the window and started reading.

* * *

 **The Adventures of Catgirl and Batboy- by Cat. (and a few other people.)**

Once upon a time, in the bleak and dreary city of Gotham, there was a girl named Cat. She was fourteen and lived in Wayne manor with a few other people and an uptight butler. By day, she was just an ordinary street kid, but by night, she was Catgirl. She was awesome and hot and wore skin tight black leather. The moonlight glinted awesomely off of her red goggles, and a whip hung off her belt. She stood over the top of a huge tower so she was silhouetted against the moon awesomely with her sidekick, Batboy, who also wore tights with a black cape and pointy bat ears on his head, and the two had sworn to defend Gotham city from evil people and uptight butlers.

But not all was right in Gotham. There was an evil in the air. The Joker and his sidekick Harley Quinn were out there, with an evil plan. Catgirl had to find out what it was and stop it, but first, she had to get off of the giant freaking tower that Jack wrote in and got spanked for.

Batboy hung onto Catgirl and the two swung down from their perch down to the ground. Then, they had to figure out what to do.

"What should we do, Catgirl? You're so smart and pretty and perfect and I love you!" said Batboy, wondering what to do.

Catgirl wasn't worried. She exclaimed, "The great and evil Joker isn't far from here. One of his associates, Scarecrow, hides out near here, so I say we pay him a visit."

"Oh, good idea, Catgirl! You're so pretty and I love you!"

After Jack had finished writing the last few lines and immediately lost his writing privileges in this book, and I assumed full control of this thing, Catgirl and Batboy headed to the abandoned warehouse to see what was going on. Before they could see anything, a green gas covered the floor and seeped into the air. Catgirl slapped a gas mask over her face as fast as she could, but Batboy was too slow. He dropped on the ground and started screaming in fear.

Out of nowhere, Scarecrow jumped at them and hung Batboy from a clothes hook by the back of his underwear, and stared down Catgirl.

"Let Batboy go!" Catgirl demanded, opening her hands and activating the claws on her fingers.

Scarecrow, who was dressed in a black hoodie with a burlap mask over his face, laughed evilly and growled, "Batboy is gone now. You are next."

Scarecrow punched Catgirl in the face, and Jonny was no longer allowed to write anything else in this book. Catgirl and Scarecrow fought an epic battle, neither of them effected by the green gas, and swiped at each other wildly. Both of them landed some good hits, but Catgirl finally swiped at Scarecrow's mask with her claws and ripped it, letting the gas seep through.

Scarecrow fell to the ground screaming, and Catgirl grabbed him, shaking him and yelling, "Where's the Joker?!"

"Don't hurt me!" Scarecrow whimpered. "Joker's at Wayne manor! He's kidnapped the butler and is planning to spread his laughing gas all over the city!"

Catgirl dropped Scarecrow on the ground and plucked the antidote to the gas from his belt. She ran over to Batboy and unhooked his pants from the clothes hook, injecting him with the cure.

"It's okay, Batboy! I'm here now, and I'm gorgeous and amazing!"

"AAAAGH! THERE ARE BATS EVERYWHERE! GET THEM OFF OF ME! AAAAAAGH!" screamed Batboy, as Bruce is regretting telling me he's afraid of bats, and suddenly stops screaming when the antidote starts working.

"It's okay, Batboy." Catgirl announced. "Now let's go get the Joker!"

Meanwhile, in the dark halls of Wayne manor, Jack was making out with his sidekick, Harley Quinn, and Harley was promptly banished from writing anything else in this story. Alfred the butler was tied up in a chair, yelling, "You'll never get away with this, Joker! Catgirl and Batboy are going to get you!"

Joker laughed maniacally with Harley Quinn, sneering, "Even though Catgirl is smart and pretty and perfect and awesome, she is no match for me!"

That's when the door exploded, and Catgirl and Batboy charged in, ready to stop the bad guys. Catgirl punched Joker in the face, and Batboy started to fight Harley Quinn. Since Batboy could not punch a girl, and Bruce wrote that and I told him to go sit in the corner while I finished the story, Batboy punched Harley Quinn in the face. She was knocked out in the corner, and Batboy and Catgirl punched Joker together, sending him flying into the corner.

"It's no use, Catgirl and Batboy! The bomb on the roof is set to go off in one minute and there's nothing you can do!"

The dynamic duo ran up to the roof to find a huge gas bomb that could infect all of Gotham city with a timer set to go off in thirty seconds. Batboy ran over to the control panel to find a plethora of wires.

"What should I cut, Catgirl? The red wire, or the blue wire?" he asked, panicking.

"Cut all of them!"

Batboy's hand shook as he got his knife out and cut through all the wires at once, making the timer stop and the two heroes fall to the ground in relief.

Detective Gordon ran up the stairs and found the two heroes, sighing in relief, "Thank you, Catgirl and Batboy! You saved the city!"

Batboy smiled, looking into Catgirl's eyes, and the two passionately kissed in the moonlight.

The end.

* * *

Miss Pepper grinned, "Thanks, Alfred. I think I feel better now. Thanks guys."

The kids waved through the window, Miss Kyle most enthusiastically. The window accidentally opened, and the kids fell out onto the ground below. Miss Kyle picked herself up and smiled, "Did you like my story?"

I asked, confused, "Why was I a hostage?"

"I don't know."

"Why was Master Bruce your sidekick?"

"He's cute."

"Please don't tell me you kids actually dress up like superheroes in public."

"What, you don't want to know where I got Bruce's tights?"

 **No introduction this time. If I made one, this would be a journal entry inside of a journal entry, which is just way too trippy. Just so you know, the pivotal chapter where I introduce Alfred's mom is currently under production!**


	36. Jack's New Camera

**I realized I forgot to credit who suggested last chapter. It was a guest, possibly the same that suggested this! Season two premiere is tonight, it's going to be epic!**

 _"_ _Okay, I think this is a pretty good speech." Bruce smiled, holding up his final draft._

 _Cat snatched it out of his hands and skimmed through it with a grin, "Oh, this is going to be fun."_

Dear Diary,

I really couldn't sleep last night. Every now and then, Master Bruce would pop into my bedroom wondering where Miss Kyle had disappeared to. Apparently, she had been gone all night, and Master Bruce had torn up the house looking for her. It was finally morning when we all dragged ourselves out of bed and noticed Master Bruce wearily searching the basement for Miss Kyle.

I went to the front door and called Master Bruce when I finally saw Miss Kyle hiding at the top of a tree. He rushed over in glee and relief, calling to her at the bottom of the tree.

"Miss Kyle, what are you doing up there?" I yelled.

"You know." She whimpered. "Just hanging around."

I sighed, "Just get your ass down from there."

"I can't!"

I looked back at Master Bruce, who crossed his arms and sighed, "Selina, are you stuck?"

There was a long, silent pause, and Miss Kyle slowly and quietly said, "Maybe."

"Selina, just climb down. You've climbed down buildings before!"

"Those were buildings! I'm not climbing down a tree."

I heard Mister Kerr sneer behind me and he shoved Master Bruce to the side, holding his arms out under the tree. "Fine, just let go and I'll catch you."

Miss Kyle hovered for a while, and finally let go of the branch. At the last second, Mister Kerr pulled his arms out from under her, making her fall to the ground with a thud and a loud moan, while Mister Kerr grinned, "Well, we had to get her down."

Master Bruce helped Miss Kyle off the ground with a smile, as Miss Kyle groaned in pain and glared angrily at Mister Kerr. She appeared to be wearing a tiara and a necklace, with black gloves and a camera around her neck.

"Where did you get all that stuff?" Master Bruce asked.

All the memories suddenly came back to me. "I remember now." I said, gaining the kids' attention. "When Master Bruce was a child, he was very rambunctious and liked to break things, so his parents kept a bunch of stuff up that tree to Master Bruce couldn't play with them. They must have forgotten about them."

Mister Kerr took off his old black tuxedo top and put on one of Thomas Wayne's purple tuxedo tops that fell out of the tree. His eyes turned to the camera around Miss Kyle's neck with a grin, and I started to run back into the house before he could do something.

"Hey, Alfred?" he said. "Can I have the camera?"

I sighed, not wanting any business with him. "Why do want the camera?"

"A lot of people don't know this, but I like taking pictures!" Without waiting for me to respond, he ran back into the house with the camera, laughing evilly and making me consider calling Arkham Asylum on him. Miss Kyle brushed herself off and said, "If he gets to keep the camera, can I keep the tiara?"

I just sighed and turned back to go into the house, hearing Miss Kyle behind my back saying, "I am Princess Cat! I command you, Bruce Wayne, to lie down so I can rub your belly!"

Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel were gone for the rest of the day, and frankly, I really didn't care where they were. Miss Kyle appeared to be having fun playing princess, and was now decked out in a glittering silver gown, holding a gold cane she found and making Master Bruce hold the back of the skirt while she skipped around.

Mister Kerr finally came booming through the front door at the end of the day wearing a Hawaiian shirt and purple sunhat with the camera around his neck.

"I'm back!" he cackled. "Who wants to see the pictures I took today?"

"Why are you wearing that getup?" I asked.

"Your credit card isn't very hard to find, Old Man. Now come on and gather around so Uncle J can share his photos!"

We all reluctantly stood around the couch, Mister Kerr spreading his new photos out on the coffee table. Slowly, he started to comment on each one.

He pointed to the first series, taken in my bedroom. "This is where Alfred was sleeping and we took pictures with every piece of furniture in his bedroom!" Mister Kerr cackled, showing me the hundred pictures he took of the clothing and furniture in my bedroom. I tried to ignore him, but I would have to check my bedroom later.

Mister Kerr continued on to point to some photos of policemen. "These are from when we went to the GCPD and took photos of every policeman there. Bullock chased us out, so we broke into his apartment and took pictures with every piece of clothing and furniture he had! Gotta mail that to him later."

Miss Quinzel held up some of her photos. "Here are the photos from when we told Falcone that Maroni was surrendering to him. I think we started a war or something." I looked at the picture, and it showed Don Falcone with Penguin, Zsasz, and Mister Gilzean sharing drinks, laughing, and mutilating a cardboard cut-out of Don Maroni.

"And here's when we told Maroni that Falcone was surrendering to him!" Mister Kerr grinned, holding up a photo of Don Maroni with Tommy Bones, Commissioner Loeb, and Frankie Carbone sharing drinks, laughing, and kissing a cardboard cut-out of Don Falcone."

"And here's when we told Ed that Kristen Kringle wanted to go out with him." Miss Quinzel sighed. "I think he went a little crazy when he found out we were lying."

Mister Kerr held up a series of photos. "And here are some photos of a girl I shot in the spine!"

We all gasped for a minute until he sighed, "Yeah, water guns are fun."

Miss Kyle, curled up in Master Bruce's lap, finally got tired. "Bruce, I'm tired. Carry me up to my room."

Knowing Master Bruce's arms, I wasn't surprised when he froze and started stuttering.

"Don't doubt your princess." Miss Kyle glared with a mischievous grin.

Master Bruce swallowed the lump in his throat and lifted Miss Kyle with great difficulty, slowly carrying her up the stairs, panting heavily and sweating.

"Mister Kerr?" I asked. "Are those all the photos you took?"

"Nope." He grinned. "I left the camera on a timer in Cat's bedroom. It's ready to capture exactly what she and Bruce do in there at night."

 **I'm noticing from the reviews that you guys are really keen on Joker easter eggs, which I love because it means I'm not the only nerd. I did do a Killing Joke based story earlier called Bruce Wayne: One Bad Day which you should definitely check out, but it just felt like a good day to publish this!**


	37. Cat's Lazy Day (Second Crossover!)

**Okay, so since you guys are awesome and keep requesting it over and over and over again, and since the season premiere was last night, (Totally awesome, Zsasz is amazing, Ed is amazing, I think they're tied for my favorite villain now) this is another crossover chapter with FanWriter83's 'Things I'm Not Allowed to do While I'm At Wayne Manor!' This is an amalgamation of rules 154, 155, and (Wait for it, your requests legit scared me) the famous rule 97.**

 _"_ _So now what do we do?" Harley asked, reading over Bruce's speech._

 _Cat shrugged. "Do you want to practise, kid?"_

 _Bruce nodded, standing proudly in front of the gang to read his speech, watching their reactions._

Dear Diary,

It was only breakfast when Mister Kerr said he was going somewhere with Miss Quinzel, Miss Pepper, and Mister Crane. I didn't hear where they were going, but they bolted out the front door, never to be seen for the rest of the day. Master Bruce grabbed breakfast and went to the basement to train.

While everyone was gone, I heard a series of thuds, walking over to find Miss Kyle sliding down the stairs on her back, hitting her head against the steps until she came to a stop on the ground.

"Alfred, I'm bored." she groaned. "Everyone is gone today."

I tossed her a rag that landed on her face, growling, "Do you want to help me clean?"

Miss Kyle tossed the rag off her face and flipped onto her stomach. I slowly stopped at inched closer as her eyes fixated onto the sword hanging on the wall. "What's that?" she asked.

"It was a gift to Master Bruce's father from the governor of Japan. It's from the Wei Dynasty, over eight thousand years-"

I stopped when Miss Kyle jumped up from the ground to grab the sword off the wall. She weighed it in her hands, grinning. "Can I play with it?"

I snatched it out of her hands and put it back on the wall, making her frown. I knew where this was going, and I wanted absolutely no part of it at all. I growled at her until she fell back onto the floor and dragged herself back up the stairs, hitting her head on every step along the way. She had probably hit her head so many times she couldn't feel it anymore.

I went to go get the vacuum from the basement and heard Master Bruce's grunts. He really was training hard. I left him alone and went back up to clean the place when I found the sword on the wall was gone and the front door was open. Miss Kyle was gone too, and I had been trained to run out into the yard to find out what the cheeky devil was doing. I found her at the edge of the pond, 'sweetly' singing, "Swim free, my little darling."

I grabbed her shoulder demanding what was going on. "Where's the sword?"

"Why, Alfred, why do you ask me?" she smiled, trying to be an angel. As if.

"Because I know you did it."

"How did you know?" she was taken aback a bit. "Who told you?"

"You did." I growled, crossing my arms. I'd had enough of her games.

"Oh, I get it. Smart move, Old Man."

"Miss Kyle?"

"What?"

"Where's the sword?!"

I followed her eyes, and found the glimmering reflection of the sword at the bottom of the pool. I sighed, tired, and just told her to get it out and went to go lie down.

I took a nap for a good long while, and woke up a few hours later to find the sword still not on the wall. I knew Miss Kyle was behind it, so I rushed to find her in the study. I found her lazing about on a couch and charged in, "Miss Kyle!"

"Yes, Alfred?" she sang, way too sweetly.

"Where is that sword?"

"Why do you ask me?"

I sighed, seeing her enjoy playing dumb. "Remember the last time you threw it into the pond claiming it wanted freedom? Well, I think this is a lot like that."

"Well, not really." She turned around so I could see her wide grin. "This time it wasn't just the sword."

Before I could even say anything, the other kids who had returned when I was sleeping yelled, "What? Where's my diamond necklace!"

"My fear toxins!"

"My seeds!"

"Where are my sweater vests?"

"No! Not my bomb! Uh, I mean my... ummm... never mind, go about your business."

I glared at Miss Kyle in anger while she grinned madly, and I just left, yelling at her, "Why don't you just go and bother someone else?"

I went to go clean the kitchen, and made dinner for the kids when it was simply too quiet for my liking. The kids had to be up to something. I climbed the stairs and found Master Bruce's bedroom door slightly open. I peered through the small crack in the door to find Master Bruce sprawled across Miss Kyle's lap on his stomach while she slapped his butt with her hand. When her hand landed, he whimpered in pain, but that quickly turned into a dreamy sigh.

I walked off, back down to the kitchen, seriously considering calling Arkham Asylum on those two. There was seriously something wrong with those two.

 **Okay, Bruce got spanked, are you happy now? Anyway, check out Things I'm Not Allowed to do While I'm at Wayne Manor, it's an awesome story, and check out FanWriter83's version of my last chapter!**


	38. Ivy's Last Stand

**Today is Clare Foley's birthday! Yay! Special Poison Ivy chapter to celebrate it here. Clare, if you're reading this, you're amazing, adorable, and the best Poison Ivy I've ever seen. Happy birthday, and keep on rocking that green sweater.**

 _"_ _So do we go now?" Ivy asked._

 _Bruce, speech in hand, looked around the room. "Ed could drive us."_

 _"_ _Ummmm..." Ed smiled, "Yeah, sure. Let's go."_

 _"_ _Does it worry anyone that he had to think about it?" Cat asked, following Ed into the car._

Dear Diary,

Last night, while everyone appeared to be asleep, Master Bruce decided to look over his case files again, and since everyone else was sleeping, he asked Miss Pepper to assist him in reading some things. Today, at breakfast, he appeared to be regretting that decision.

The two came down the stairs to meet the rest of the kids, bickering and yelling at each other, both red in the face. Mister Kerr grinned, "They're cute together, aren't they?"

I was going to ask what was wrong, but Mister Crane did it for me. "What did Bruce do now, Ivy?"

The two kids turned to me, and Master Bruce yelled, "We were looking over the case files from Wayne Enterprises, and Ivy keeps trying to get me to ruin the company."

"Wayne Enterprises is about to build houses on Gotham's only remaining large green space and kill everything in it. Something has to be done!" Miss Pepper scowled.

I shrugged, "That's actually not a terrible idea. I suppose it would be nice to cut down on some of the waste Wayne Enterprises is producing."

"Yeah, but we need to build it." Master Bruce groaned. "We just lost a bunch of money in our oil department."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Miss Pepper said, putting on a sweet face that turned into a scowl. "But at least with your idea, when the planet is on fire and we're all dead, you'll still be rich!" with that, she stomped on his foot, making him yelp in pain, and she stormed back up to her room.

Miss Quinzel sighed, looking up from her soup. "She's got a point."

"No she doesn't." Mister Kerr growled, looking up at Master Bruce with a grin. "You and I are both where we belong. On Team Watch the Planet Burn!"

"You're not helping." Master Bruce scowled, going back up to his room.

Before breakfast had ended, Miss Pepper came back downstairs holding a bag full of hardware tools. Miss Kyle was the one who asked what it was, I was too scared to. She barely had time to answer before there was a loud rumble from upstairs and Master Bruce came running downstairs, yelling, "My bed just fell apart!"

Miss Pepper stomped on his foot once again and stormed outside.

About an hour later, Master Bruce had decided to run down the stairs when the doorbell rang, and when he answered it, I saw Theo Galavan standing at the door with an entourage including Barbara Keane and a few other people in prison jumpsuits.

"Hello, Bruce Wayne. My name is Theo Galavan." Mister Galavan said. "We have received your application to join the Maniax."

I jolted upright when I heard them, and Master Bruce stuttered, "I-I-I never applied."

Galavan shook his head. "Now, I'm always willing to accept new members, but all of my Maniax are experienced criminals. I don't think you would-"

"Hey!" Mister Kerr said, shoving Master Bruce to the side and staring down one of the criminals, a red-haired boy with an evil grin. "Who's that guy?"

"That's Jerome Valeska." Galavan said. "Why do you ask?"

Mister Kerr sighed. "I don't know. I just have this eerie feeling like he and I can't exist in the same universe."

Galavan started to turn and leave, when his gang followed, the short fat one entering the house and leaving with our television in hand. Master Bruce closed the door and turned back to me with a terrified expression. "Who signed me up for the Maniax?"

Miss Pepper came down the stairs to answer his question, stomping on his foot and climbing back up the stairs. Master Bruce hopped on his other leg, rubbing his foot in pain.

"Just do what she wants." Miss Kyle sighed.

Master Bruce whined, "I can't do it! It's just not feasible."

"You know the fat one stole our TV, right?" Mister Crane asked, pointing to the faded spot in the wall. I picked up the phone to order a new TV, and Master Bruce tiredly went up to his bedroom. It somewhat worried me that Miss Pepper was also up there, but not enough to go check.

Miss Pepper came back down a few minutes later with the same scowl on her face as before, only this time with a mischievous smirk. No one asked what she had done, so I had to do it.

Miss Pepper only giggled when Master Bruce came running down the stairs, naked except for a towel around his waist and dripping wet, with the smell of daisies following him. "I was upstairs taking a shower and Ivy threw a perfume bomb into the bathroom!"

Miss Pepper snarled, "Now when you kill this planet tomorrow, you can smell nice!"

Master Bruce threw up his hands and got close to Ivy, trying to look intimidating. "Listen, we're going to build over the reserve. My company is going to pave over the grass and nothing you can do will stop me from doing it, so would you stay out of my face?!"

There was a long silence as no one said anything, and we all stared at the bizarre sight of Master Bruce screaming at Miss Pepper, and suddenly, she began to burst into tears. Miss Pepper buried her face in her hands and sat down on the couch behind her, weeping.

"Good job, B." Mister Kerr sneered. "You made a little girl cry. Don't worry, the more you do it, the faster you'll become."

Master Bruce's scowl melted into sympathy, and he sat down next to Miss Pepper, hugging her and trying to console her. "Don't cry. Come on, it's okay. I'll call Wayne Enterprises right now and cancel the project, just stop crying. Come on, it's okay."

"You actually don't have the authority to cancel the project." I said, making all eyes turn to me. "I mean, you really don't have any authority over the board until you turn eighteen."

That was when I realized that I was the one with authority over the board, and the glares were accusational stares of guilt. Well, I was either going to get myself in Arkham, or make a call, so I might as well take the one that let me keep my job.

A phone call later, I broke the 'good' news to the kids. Supposedly, I canceled the construction by firing someone and using the money they stole to rebuild the company. Our president of equipment operations apparently smuggled over three hundred thousand dollars from the company to buy himself a yacht. When I told them, Miss Pepper caught Master Bruce by surprise by grabbing his head and kissing him, and then running back upstairs, not to come down for the rest of the day.

 **Coming up next, something to do with blowing up a door, if you know what I mean...**


	39. A Bomb in the Basement

_It turned out that Ed in fact did not know how to drive. He could, but he drove either too fast or too slow and was flipped off by many drivers until a cop finally pulled him over. Unfortunately, the cop was Detective Bullock._

 _"_ _Hello, Detective." Ed grinned, the kids in the back slapping their foreheads. "How about you let me off with a warning?"_

 _Bullock just laughed hysterically and smirked, "Guess you shouldn't have asked riddles all breakfast yesterday."_

Dear Diary,

The kids seemed to disappear after breakfast this morning. I took the opportunity to relax a little bit and attempt to take a nap when there was a loud thud coming from the study and I had to go see what was happening.

All the kids were on the couch, looking through books, when one of the shelves had fallen off of its screws and the books had fallen onto the ground. The kids looked around, bewildered, when they saw me.

"What's going on here?" I asked.

"Bruce needed help with his studying." Miss Pepper grinned. "We were trying to look for a book and... that happened."

I sighed. I still really didn't get how you could make a shelf topple by looking for books. "What were you trying to study?"

"We were talking about which Roman emperor lead the war with the Sarmation and Marcomanni confederations during the Marcomannic wars." Mister Crane hissed. "Which was Severus Alexander."

"Severus Alexander ruled in 206 AD. The Marcomanni only started in the early reign of Marcus Aurelius." Master Bruce growled.

"Well, there's a book about him on the ground." Miss Kyle said. Before I could ponder how Mister Crane knew all that, the two boys tackled each other to get at the book. They pushed and jumped over each other, and Mister Crane managed to pick the book up and hold it in the air triumphantly, making something drop out.

It looked like a remote control with one button. Master Bruce picked it up warily, making the room go silent. "What is it, do you think?" he asked.

Mister Kerr raised his hand, mockingly, "Is it a bomb?"

"It might as well be, so don't you dare press that bloody button." I said, attempting to grab it away from him.

Of course, the Waynes had a bit of a stubborn streak. Master Bruce's finger went down, and classical music seemed to play from speakers in the walls. Then, the entire fireplace seemed to slide backwards down a tunnel, revealing a dark hallway leading down. It was a while before any of us said anything, and the first one to peer down into it was Master Bruce. "What's down there?"

I grabbed some flashlights, and warily, we started down the stairs. I had absolutely no idea what was down there, but I had to hide my feelings for the sake of the kids. All bets were that it belonged to Thomas Wayne, and Master Bruce knew it. I dearly wished it wasn't. What would Master Bruce think of a secret tunnel? All we found at the bottom of the stairs was a large metal door with a digital number lock with ten numbered buttons, dusty and rusted from time.

Master Bruce put in a combination, but a flashing red light and buzzer went off, signaling it was wrong. He tried again, and once again, red lights flashed and a buzzer went off.

"There has to be a million possible combinations." I said, trying to pull Master Bruce back. He wouldn't stop. As the rest of the kids turned back, silent, he stayed, playing with the lock, trying to get it to open. He had no way of knowing what the combo was. I tried to get him to stop, but he just wouldn't. The only option was to go back up and wait for him.

The other kids sat back down on the couch and were silent for a while until Miss Quinzel asked me, "What's down there?"

I sighed, "Thomas Wayne's secret unicorn. Don't you think if I knew, I would've told you?"

"You didn't tell us about the gym in the manor." Miss Pepper said, meekly.

"I told you we had a gym, and you laughed and said, 'then why are you not able to lift a vase?'"

I left to go make a brunch for myself when there was a loud clanging sound from the study a few minutes later. No, no the study. It was from down the secret tunnel. I ran down to find the other kids staring shocked at the sight of Master Bruce pounding against the door with a hammer furiously, red in the face. Of course he was. He had just found out just how much his father had kept from him.

I ran to grab the hammer away from him and yelled, "What do you think you're doing?"

"What does it look like? I'm trying to knock this door down!" he proceeded to grab a screwdriver and start drilling holes in the door.

Behind me, Mister Kerr grinned, "Right, because a drill is so good at-"

"Shut up, you stupid clown!" Master Bruce yelled, shocking all of us. "Now either grab a hammer, or get me some tea!"

Mister Kerr looked down sadly and started back up the stairs, Miss Quinzel running after him. Miss Kyle quietly muttered, "That kid is hot when he's mad." and followed the others back upstairs. I, also impressed how intimidating Master Bruce could be, also went upstairs to my bedroom.

I took a nap for a good hour, ignoring the pounding at the door. It became easy after a while, but soon had to go downstairs and was treated to the sight of Master Bruce, followed by the other scared-looking kids carrying in bags of fertilizers, milk cartons, and wire.

"What are you doing with that fertilizer?" I asked.

Master Bruce sighed. "I thought that would be obvious to a man of your perception."

It soon became apparent. "You're building a bomb inside the house?"

"You know what the scary part is?" Mister Kerr said, struggling to carry a second bag of fertilizer. "This was Bruce's idea."

I couldn't say anything for a while, and Master Bruce must have noticed. "I'm building a bomb to blow down that door."

"You don't know the first thing about bomb making!" I yelled, attempting to take away some of their supplies.

"You may assist me, or not, as you wish. But if not, some tea would be nice."

Master Bruce disappeared down the tunnel, and Miss Kyle, holding a coil of wire, stopped and whispered to me, "When did that kid get so hot?"

It was obvious I couldn't do anything to stop him. Truth be told, I was quite curious to find out what was down there myself. There was only one rational thing to do. I had to go down there and make sure they were building it properly.

It turned out that Mister Kerr knew much more about bomb-making than Master Bruce, and within half an hour had built a fully functioning fertilizer bomb. I couldn't stop staring at Master Bruce's dirty, sweating, furious face, wondering what his dad had done down there. Then again, what if his dad had been up to more than we thought?

I strung the copper wire to the fertilizer bins and rolled it up the stairs back into the study where the kids were waiting behind the couch, ready. I grabbed the controller from Mister Kerr and hooked it up. I did know a bit about bomb making, after all.

Master Bruce weighed the detonator in his hand and sighed, his thumb on the trigger.

"Master Bruce, are you sure?" I asked. "I strongly advise-"

"Alfred." he said, voice quivering. "I have to know what's down there."

There was a long silence as we all hid behind the couch, eying the entrance where the bomb was. We were silent for a good long minute, waiting, until Miss Pepper broke the silence.

"Hey, did any of you notice there were letters on the padlock?"

"Wait, what?"

 _BOOOOM!_ Dust exploded from the door and flaming pieces of debris swirled up from down the stairs, as the kids cheered in delight. Master Bruce grabbed a flashlight and ran down the staircase, followed by me and the kids.

It was a huge stone cavern with desks and tables, a computer in the middle of the room. Master Bruce stared in awe at the room, and finally, his eyes fell on an envelope with his name written on it. It was his father's handwriting.

He opened the envelope and read over the note.

"What does it say?" I asked.

Master Bruce read aloud, "Dear Bruce, if you're reading this, it means I am dead, and you've discovered that the entry code is... Bruce."

We were silent for a long time, no one saying anything, until Mister Kerr finally said, "Well, this is awkward." The kids started to file out awkwardly, Miss Kyle whispering to him, "So did you or did you not notice the letters on the keypad?"

"It was dark, okay?!"

 **I promised you guys a Silver St. Cloud appearance once she was introduced on Gotham. Judging from the promo for next episode, it shouldn't be long...**


	40. Locked in Arkham Asylum

_"_ _Come on, Detective. Can't you give me a break?" Ed whined, as Bullock was confiscating his car._

 _"_ _Hey, Ed?" Bullock sneered, eyes full of evil. "What likes to annoy people, wears nerdy glasses, and can't drive for two weeks following a six hundred dollar fine?"_

 _"_ _Ummmm..."_

 _"_ _You!"_

 _"_ _Wait!" Cat yelled, grabbing Bullock's attention with a wide grin. "We still have Alfred's diary..."_

 _Bullock smirked just a little bit._

Dear Diary,

I got a phone call today concerning Master Bruce's studies at home. It was from the municipal board of education, saying that home schooling was fine, but he had to complete a work experience course to be eligible for a diploma. Since he was homeschooled, he had the last pick, and had a choice of either a guard at Arkham Asylum or a caretaker at a pet hospital.

"Ooh! Pick Arkham!" Mister Kerr beamed, apparently overhearing the conversation. "I'm coming with you, I love Arkham."

Master Bruce, coming down the stairs, asked, "What would I be doing?"

"You'd just be following a guard around and seeing what their job is like." I said. "I think you would like it. You can go now and call me when you're done."

"I'll go with you!" Mister Kerr grinned.

"Absolutely not." I growled. "I'm not leaving you alone in a house full of loonies."

Miss Kyle went with Master Bruce. I tried to keep her at home, but she kept saying Master Bruce would be lonely and she couldn't let her boyfriend go to Arkham alone. When I said no a second time, she had stowed away in the trunk of the car, and I just decided to let her go. After all, perhaps it would be good for her to see where she was going to end up.

I dropped the two off with a supervisor and drove back to the house. They'd be done in a couple hours, so I'd pick them up then. It was a bit quieter, but still loud nonetheless with Miss Quinzel and Mister Kerr arguing about something I didn't care enough about to ask.

Finally, it was time to pick up Master Bruce. I was absolutely not leaving the kids alone, so I strapped the four into the car and drove them off to Arkham Asylum, which was the perfect situation for me except for that fact that I had to take them home afterwards.

I showed the guard my clearance, and he let me in. Not a lot of security there, I must say. We were treated to another bout of Miss Quinzel and Mister Kerr arguing as we went through the hall to the control room.

"Do you hear that? It's the sound of no one caring!" Miss Quinzel yelled.

"Sorry, can't hear it. All I hear is a spoiled little brat making words with the hole in her face."

"Oh, look who's all talk. I bet you can't even-"

I looked over to see Mister Kerr pushing Miss Quinzel into the wall, making her fall backwards and hitting a red button on the wall. All of a sudden, red lights and sirens went off, the lights going out and the big metal doors behind us shutting closed.

We stood there, silent in case of emergency, and a voice sounded from the PA. "Emergency lockdown mode initiated. Estimated police arrival time- 5 hours."

"Five hours?" Miss Pepper groaned. "Way to spring for security, Arkham."

Mister Kerr snarled, "Well, now we're trapped here. Way to go, Harley!"

"Now it's my fault?"

They argued a bit more, and then I remembered Master Bruce. If we couldn't get out, what could Miss Kyle be doing to that poor boy? After imagining possible outcomes for a while, I decided I had to get out before Miss Kyle got some ideas.

Miss Pepper and Mister Crane rattled on the doors, but they were locked. All of the guards had evacuated and all the inmates were locked in their cells. Mister Kerr pushed me aside and said, "Step aside, Old Man. I got this."

"What do you think you're going to do?"

"There's a window on the second floor, bozo. I'm going to jump." I followed him up the stairs and found out there was indeed an open window and Mister Kerr started to run towards it. At the last second though, metal bars shut from the top, making Mister Kerr hit his head and fall to the ground, moaning and rubbing his forehead.

"Attention, loonies!" Miss Kyle's voice rang from the PA system. They must have been in the control room. "My name is Cat, Bruce is right here, and he's cute and he's my boyfriend! The guards have ditched you, so that makes us in charge of you! If any of you try to escape, you'll be sorry. Lunch will be served at twelve!"

"You idiots made me bang my head on the window!" Mister Kerr yelled.

I sighed, "They can't hear you, they're in the control room."

"So call them! Oh, right. Cat broke Bruce's cell phone."

I grabbed the kids and stormed up to the control room, where I was met with a locked door. I knocked on the door, and Miss Kyle yelled out, "Who is it?"

"It's Alfred! Open the door!"

My hopes rose as the knob began to jiggle, but it stopped, and Master Bruce's voice said, "No, Selina. It might be an inmate pretending to be Alfred."

"You're right!" Miss Kyle gasped. "If you're really Alfred, what's my middle name?"

"You never told me your middle name!"

"Correct! Too bad I don't want Alfred in here either." Miss Kyle giggled.

I took a deep breath to avoid ripping someone's head off and slowly went down the stairs to look for another way out. There was another door that I could pick the lock to. I took one of Miss Quinzel's hairpins and jiggled it in the lock until I got it open, and was about to run out when another metal door shut down from the top and Miss Kyle's voice boomed over the PA. "Nice try, crazies! You're not getting out of here alive!"

I supposed there was a chance they didn't know it was us and were just doing their duty. Then again, it was possible they did now it was us and were just being themselves.

"There's a door on the roof!" Mister Kerr exclaimed, running up the stairs to the roof. I followed him, and he was right. He picked the lock and we ended up on the roof, three stories up from the ground with police cars surrounding the building and Detective Gordon used a bullhorn to shout, "This is Jim Gordon, GCPD! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up, drop your weapons!"

"Detective Gordon!" I yelled as loud as I could. "We're up here!"

"Alfred?" He asked, through the bullhorn. "What are you doing up there?"

"Master Bruce and Miss Kyle are in the control room!"

I saw Detective Gordon making a call through his walkie-talkie, and a voice from below us said, "Lockdown has ended."

I stormed back to the control room and swung the door open, the rage of a billion white suns burning as I saw Miss Kyle and Master Bruce standing together, smiling, "Hey, Alfred. What's up?"

I grabbed the back of Miss Kyle's neck, dragging her out, trying to resist leaving her here, while Master Bruce and the rest of the kids followed.

"I'm sorry Alfred!" Master Bruce yelled, trying to save his whimpering girlfriend. "We didn't know it was you!"

"Actually, I did." Miss Kyle grinned. "I just wanted to see you try and escape."

 **Did you guys like my character symbolism? The Silver St. Cloud story arc is next...**


	41. The Enigmatic Silver St Cloud

**I was going to upload this after Silver's appearance on Gotham, but I just couldn't help myself. For the continuity police, yeah, I know Theo was in the previous chapter. Don't hate. Appreciate. I may also re-upload this chapter in case something different happens in the Gotham episode and my OCD kicks in.**

 _Bullock, laughing over the last few words of the diary article, grinned, "Fine, you can go this once. But don't do it again."_

 _Ed sighed, "What's light as a feather but heavy as a–" Bruce clasped his hand over Ed's mouth before he could finish and said, "Thank you, Detective, we'll be going now."_

Dear Diary,

Master Bruce came home from school, red in the face and stuttering like an idiot. I couldn't think of why, and I was too scared to ask in case another kid was going to move in. Instead, he simply told me that he was going to help a friend with homework later and she was coming over in a bit.

I was okay with it. I was going to be gone all day anyway. Miss Kyle and Mister Kerr were coming with me to see some new Wayne Enterprises business partners later, and the other kids were staying at home. I only brought the ones that I was worried about.

I gave the two clothes to wear to the meeting. A few minutes later, I found that they had modified the clothes. Mister Kerr had attached a giant flower on his lapel and spray painted, 'Ha ha ha' all over the suit and tie. Miss Kyle had put a pair of scissors and apparently a blindfold to work on the dress, cutting cat shapes out of it. Note to self- stop buying those two clothes.

I got them into the car and started on the road to the address I was told to go to, the apartment of Theo Galavan. I heard of him on the news, a wealthy, upstanding philanthropist that had a vision for Gotham. We climbed the stairs of the apartment and finally reached top to find Mister Galavan standing there with a little girl, hands behind her back and wearing a white skirt, her long light-blonde hair down her back.

For a minute, I did think nothing would go wrong, until Mister Kerr exclaimed, "Whoa! Who's the hottie?!"

Mister Galavan looked confused, and just spoke to me. "Greetings, Mister Pennyworth. My name is Theo Galavan, and this is my niece, Silver St. Cloud."

"Nice to meet you, Mister Pennyworth." she said, holding her hand out.

I was about to shake her hand when Mister Kerr jumped in front of me, getting down on one knee and kissing her hand, "Hello, Silver. My name is Jack. Tell me, do you like a guy that can make you laugh?"

Miss Kyle jumped up in front of him, spitting in her own hand and holding it out to shake Miss St. Cloud's. "S'up. People call me Cat."

I quickly pushed the two aside and turned back to Mister Galavan, "I am terribly sorry about these two."

"No need." he said, pulling out a chair at the table for me to sit down. "Perhaps they can play in the other room while we discuss business."

"Yeah." Mister Kerr grinned, quirking his eyebrow and putting an arm around Miss St. Cloud's shoulder. "Come on, babe. Let's go _play_."

Mister Kerr left with Miss St. Cloud, while Miss Kyle grinned at Mister Galavan, "So, how much money do you spend a year on blonde hair dye, because that is not her natural hair color."

I growled at her softly, and pushed her into the other room after Mister Kerr. The meeting with Galavan was quick. All I had to do was sign a merger so he could make transactions with Wayne Enterprises and discuss security for a little bit. It couldn't have taken longer than a few minutes, and we finished just soon enough to catch Miss St. Cloud sitting on the couch in the other room, Mister Kerr trying to impress her by trying and failing to do a flip off the wall, Miss Kyle laughing hysterically as he fell on the floor, groaning.

"Alright, kids. It's time to go." I said, grabbing their arms and dragging them back to the car. Mister Kerr barely had time to say, "I will return, my love."

I pulled them out the front door and back into the car, sitting them in the back and asking them, "Okay, what did you do with Miss St. Cloud?"

"Why do you ask?" Miss Kyle asked, looking offended.

"Because every time I leave you two alone with a well-mannered child, you manage to turn them into one of you."

"Well, I don't know about the cat lady," Mister Kerr sneered, "But Silver was totally digging me."

Miss Kyle sighed, "Yeah, when a girl spits on a guy, it's a good sign she likes him."

I started the drive back home, the entire time listening to Miss Kyle's opinions of Miss St. Cloud. "There's just something weird about that girl. She's just creepy and she has to be hiding something."

When we got back to the house, Miss Pepper, Miss Quinzel, and Mister Crane had prepared lunch for themselves. Master Bruce was still gone at school or some place, but he would be home soon. Miss Kyle and Mister Kerr sat down at the table and helped themselves, sharing the story of their adventure.

"We met this girl." Mister Kerr grinned. "She was so into me, we'll get to third base in a week. Plus, she's super hot."

"Hotter than me?" Miss Quinzel asked, sighing with a smile.

"Yes, I think I established that."

Miss Kyle slammed her fist on the table, grabbing our attention. "I don't get what you see in her. She's totally fake and weird and so not a real blonde. I swear, she is hiding something and I am going to find out what. And guess what? Her name's Sil-"

Master Bruce came through the front door, proudly announcing, "Hey, guys. This is Silver. I'm helping her with homework."

Miss Kyle spit out her milk and choked on it, while Mister Kerr grinned, "Why, hello, Silver. Like two ships in the night, we meet again."

 **I figured I'd take a hint from Gotham's new direction and make a story arc within this thing. I don't know how many parts this will have, because I'm not a forward thinker like some of you, but I do have a direction that I really like, so we shall see... This was really just an introduction, lots more antics with Silver coming soon! Any suggestions, feel free to share.**


	42. The Gang Goes to School

**My thoughts on last night's Gotham: Jerome Valeska** ** _is_** **the Joker. Barbara paired with Aaron would actually be pretty good at fighting Batman in the future. Jack's thoughts on last night's Gotham: "Wait, we could've fired Alfred any time we wanted to?" Anyway, I think that the Silver story will wait a bit. I really don't want to make a huge arc about her before she actually appears in the show. In the meantime, here's the after-effects of Bruce saying he'd even go to school...**

 _Ed drove the kids to city hall, where a few people were stacking chairs and getting ready for the celebration. Theo Galavan was there, talking to someone, and Bruce thought it was a good idea to show him the speech. Cat, on the other hand, had some big plans for the diary._

Dear Diary,

Mister Kerr walked into the living room, took one look at the backpack on the table, and dropped the glass of water he was holding in shock.

"Who's that for?" he asked.

"It's Master Bruce's." I said, grabbing a broom for the broken glass. "He promised he'd go to school if I fixed his dad's old computer."

Mister Kerr slumped back on the couch in relief. "Oh, good. For a second there, I thought you were going to make all of us go to school."

"I _am_ making all of you go to school."

After a two hour temper tantrum that would make me replace half the furniture in the mansion and buy a new television, I got six backpacks and brought them up for the kids, hearing the beep of a phone through the door and Miss Kyle talking, "Hello, Detective Gordon? I need your help right now! It's an emergency! Alfred is making us go to school!"

I walked in and threw the backpacks at them. I showed them the school uniforms, making five of them legitimately cry.

"Why do we have to go to school?" Miss Pepper asked. "What did we ever do to you?"

"It's not a punishment. School will be healthy for you, and you'll be able to learn new things and meet new people."

"So why do we have to dress up like lawyers from the seventies?"

I took the uniforms from them and told them to get their books ready. If I knew anything, it was that the kids would find some way to 'customize' the uniforms after I left. In a few minutes, I gave the kids back their uniforms and only gave them two minutes to change, not nearly enough time to change things. Before I could pat myself on the back, they came out of the bathroom, Mister Crane's uniform completely covered in black paint, Miss Kyle's with shiny black jewels, kittens, and a leather black hood, Miss Pepper's with dirt and flowers all over it, and Mister Kerr's with multi-coloured spray paint all over it.

I didn't have time to buy new uniforms, so that would have to do. They got in the car after I pulled out my rifle, and we drove off to school while the kids were kicking and screaming in the backseat.

Finally, we arrived the front of the school, and met with the principal standing at the front of the school. He looked old, with a long white beard and a black suit.

"Hello, Mister Pennyworth." he said. "My name is Professor Hugo Strange. I am the principal at Our Lady of Gotham Junior High School."

"Nice to meet you, Professor Strange. These are my kids, Bruce Wayne, Selina Kyle, Ivy Pepper, Jonathan Crane, Harleen Quinzel and Jack Kerr."

"Ah, yes. We'll get the kids to class and attend to paperwork after, yes?"

Under the watchful eyes of Professor Strange, the kids filed into the school and followed him into one of the classrooms, filled with other children dressed neatly and sitting in rows. Of course, it wasn't long before something went wrong.

"Hello, maggots!" Mister Kerr yelled, standing on the table, despite me trying to pull him back. "My name is Jack, but you can call me Joker! You all work for me and my gang now. Anyone feeling like their loyalty is about to waver is going to answer to my gang. Got it?"

Everyone in the room just stared at him, perhaps feeling a little bit sorry for him, and I followed Professor Strange into his office to sign some papers. It took a bit longer than I thought since there were so many kids, but I got through it and listened to Professor Strange talk about proper conduct for a while.

I said goodbye to him and decided to check on the kids one more time before leaving, and of course, it all went horribly wrong. Mister Kerr was standing at the edge of a boy's desk and yelling, while the others watched awkwardly.

"Your name is Tommy, isn't it?" Mister Kerr asked. "Thomas Elliot?"

"What's it to you, weirdo?"

Mister Elliot threw a paper ball at Mister Kerr, making him grin more and more evilly. "Yeah, well, perhaps you didn't hear me before, so I'll say it again. This class is mine. You will all listen to whatever I say and right now, I say get the hell out of my seat!"

"Here's a better idea." Mister Elliot grinned. "Why don't you go crawl back to whatever street gutter you came from and die there."

"Well, you asked for it. Keep your head straight, it'll be easier for me to snap your neck."

"Ha! Can you believe this-"

Mister Kerr tackled Mister Elliot straight out of the window, which concerned me because we were on the second floor, and made him fall to the ground below, the sound of something breaking ringing through the room. I ran to look out the window and found that he had landed on a car and was moaning in pain below.

I looked back to yell at Mister Kerr, and he just sat down at the desk, Miss Quinzel across his lap, and said, "So are we going to learn anything, or did I wake up this morning for nothing?"


	43. Diaries of Everyone Else: School Edition

**There was a huge spike in views in one of my previous chapters, the Secret Diaries of Everyone Else, so I knew I had to make something like that again. And with the gang at school now, I just couldn't resist.**

Dear Diary,

Since the kids were learning new things, I thought it best they record their day in another diary entry. I've stapled their entries to the pages of my diary to keep them private.

 **Bruce's Diary:**

Dear Diary,

The first class of the day for me was History. Jack was in my class, with Harley sitting on his lap, along with a few other kids. Our teacher was Mr. Zeus, who was dressed in a white suit and had white hair, a lightning bolt tattoo on his chest showing through the shirt.

Before I could even react, Selina surprised me by jumping in. Beautiful, beautiful Selina. She smiled a perfect smile at me and pecked my lips with hers, making all the blood in my body rush to my face, rendering me barely capable of moving with her absolutely perfect, cherry red lips, light, white-as-snow skin and dazzling emerald eyes. Then she turned to Mr. Zeus.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"Who, me?" Selina spoke, softly and sweetly, with the eloquence of a princess. "I'm Bruce's squeeze." I was about to smile when she turned back to me with a dainty smile and licked the side of my face, one hand rubbing my chest.

"You're not in my class."

"Yeah, but my last class didn't have Bruce in it. Don't worry, I'm only here until I can steal Alfred's credit card, fire him, and quit this place. So what are we learning today, Maxie?"

"You will refer to me as Mr. Zeus." He growled, seeming annoyed. Selina sat herself down straight on my lap, light as a feather, as Mr. Zeus handed out some sheets. "You will work on these silently and complete them for tomorrow."

The test was easy for me. I started to fill in answers when Selina turned to me and whispered, "Hey, do you want to trade sheets? I'll do yours and you do mine!"

I nodded and gave her my sheet, starting on hers. I made sure to fill in every answer correctly in as much detail as I could manage. I didn't want to risk getting something wrong and costing Selina a grade. When I was done, I put it face down on the table with her name on it and snuck a peek at Selina doing my sheet.

She had drawn the most adorable picture on the margin of the two of us, holding hands inside of a heart. She showed it to me, instantly bringing a smile to my face. "Sorry, kid. I didn't know the answers. But there's enough time left for you to finish this one too."

I hugged the picture she drew of us close and started on the answers.

 **Cat's diary:**

Dear Dia aw come on, are you seriously going to make me do this?

I don't think I started off well by barging into Mr. Zeus' class, and when he graded our tests, he had the nerve to subtract a mark for my very creative drawing of Bruce and I holding hands and skipping off into the sunset. If Bruce had flipped the page over, he would've noticed we were skipping away from the flaming wreckage of Mr. Zeus' car. He asked for it, by the way. One of the questions was, 'Write a paragraph about why the age of man is over and the reign of Lord Zeus will rule over the flaming ruins of Gotham city.'

Anyway, class ended, and I asked Bruce what class he had after. He said gym, and that meant I had gym too. Hey, I couldn't leave him all by himself.

I followed him through the hall, up the stairs, across the gym and to the boy's locker room, where he got his gym clothes out of a locker and turned back to stare at me. It turned out that all the guys in the locker room were staring at me weird. Those pervs.

Well, I guessed I should change for gym. I asked Bruce for some spare clothes for gym and he handed them over. I took off my leather jacket, sweater, and shirt, throwing them on the bench and putting on the gym shirt. Then, I took off my jeans and kicked them off onto the floor so I was in my panties to put on the grey sweatpants. I noticed afterwards that the room was completely silent and every guy in the room was watching me change, including Bruce.

"Sorry, guys." I grinned, holding out my hands to point to myself. "This is already taken." With that, I gave Bruce a big wet kiss and skipped out of the room, wondering how long it would be before those pervs could talk again.

 **Ivy's diary:**

Dear Diary,

A living tree died for this. I hate people, I hate mankind, and I want everyone to die. PS, Professor Strange is actually a monkey inside a robot that looks like a person.

 **Jonny's diary:**

Dear Diary,

I found Professor Strange laughing evilly in his office, plotting the death of the city and the triumph of his evil plan. It reminded me of my childhood.

 **Harley's diary:**

Dear Diary,

It was lunch before long. I found Mister J harassing some little kid and decided I should join him. He's so dreamy when he harasses children.

"Give me your lunch, nerd." he growled.

"I-I-I can't." the nerd trembled. "I already gave my lunch to that guy."

"What?! Who?"

The nerd pointed to some guy who was standing on a table, laughing and talking with his friends. His friends obviously listened to him, and according to Mister J, that just wouldn't do. He stood up on the same table as him and glared in his face, "Who are you?"

"Roman Sionis, class president. And you are?"

Leave it to Mister J to put a guy in his place. "I'm Jack, the new president of this school. I heard you stole some nerd's lunch."

"So? What are you going to do about it?"

"Listen, you're new to this, so I'll give you a warning. From now on, everyone is the school does whatever I say when I say it, or else. Now give me that nerd's lunch."

"You've only been here for, what, a day? Come back when you learn that I'm the king of this school. You're just a little street kid with the face of Mark Hamill and the clothes of the hobo in my backyard, so why don't you-"

Mister J cut him off by picking a pie off the table and smashing it into his face. The room just erupted into a food fight! My Puddin' protected me by throwing things, making some people run away and getting others right in the face. Finally, that snotty kid Roman Sionis ran away crying, and Mister J stood on the tallest table to scream out, "I'm the king of Gotham Middle School!" That is, until Professor Strange walked in, got a sandwich in the face, and had a short chat with my Puddin'.

 **Jack's diary:**

I'm the king of Gotham Middle School! And it turns out, the principal is really chill. He called me into his office, and for a while, I thought I was in some deep crap. But you know what he said to me instead?

"I see a brilliant criminal mind inside of you. Gotham is falling into ruin, and you could be just what we need to make everyone in the city cower in fear. With my guidance, you could be feared by everyone in the city, Jack Kerr."

"Call me Joker, Professor Strange."

"Please, no need for that. Call me Hugo Strange."

And we both started laughing evilly until Bruce walked in asking about his schedule, and I'm pretty sure he's going to tell the board on us. We're going to have to do something about that kid if we want to take over Gotham. Anyway, fun stuff. It also turns out that every single one of us were suspended that day. I don't know what the others did to get into trouble, but we won't be going to school for another week. Don't worry, I'll be back, ready to bring the place to its knees. Ha ha ha hee ha ha ha HA HA HEEE HEEE HO HAAA HA HA HAAA _HAHA HAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAHHHAAAA HEEEEEHAAAAA HAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_


	44. Cat's Millions

_The important dignitaries of Gotham began to file into city hall to begin the ceremony, and Cat eyed them with glee. She weighed the diary in her hands and saw Bruce finishing with Mayor Galavan. It was time to move in._

Dear Diary,

Today, the mailman decided to curse me by bringing me a catalogue from Gothcorp, a branch of Wayne Enterprises that produced various useless knick knacks and trinkets. Of course it was the first day that Miss Kyle decided to pick up the mail for me.

"Alfred, Alfred, Alfred!" she ran into the kitchen, making me drop my eggs.

I growled, turning around. "What is it this time, Miss Kyle?"

She held up a page in the catalogue, where there was a small battery powered car that a child could sit in and drive with. "Buy me this! I want to drive in it and paint it black and call it the Catmobile!"

"Miss Kyle, do you remember what happened to skateboard I bought you? Or the whip? Or the first aid kit?"

She thought for a while, and I was forced to relive the memories of her making Mister Kerr skateboard off the stairs with the whip and then attempted to patch him up after. I will now warn the future to never let Selina Kyle into medical school.

"So are you going to buy me the car, or what?"

"No, I'm not."

"Fine." Miss Kyle scoffed, making her way up the stairs.

I was going to turn back to make another egg when I remembered something and yelled up to Miss Kyle, "And I already took Master Bruce's credit card, so he can't buy it for you either!"

Miss Kyle screamed and stormed up the stairs much more angrily.

Later, the kids went to school and I got some peace and quiet for a few hours. Three hours later, all of them burst back into the house laughing like maniacs and jumping with glee. Of course, I just had to ask what had happened, and Miss Kyle grinned sinisterly.

"Remember when you said that you weren't going to buy me any more things with the Wayne's money?" she smirked, making me worry a bit. "Well, guess what I did!"

I stared in disbelief as she held up a card that I read as a lottery card, with a four in a row scratched out set of diamonds. She pulled it away before I could grab it, and started laughing. "Sorry, can't touch it. Now we have fifty thousand dollars and you can't touch it!"

Master Bruce groaned, following the others, though considerably less excited. "You know, I could've bought the entire lottery organization for you."

Miss Kyle shot him a glare, and I corrected him, "No, no you could not have bought the entire lottery organization for her. What do you think you're going to do with all that money?"

"I don't know." Miss Kyle shrugged. "Oh yeah, I do!"

There was a loud horn sound outside, and I ran to find a huge black limousine that had been vandalized with spray paint. A brand new, expensive limo with spray painted cats, flowers, skeletons, diamonds, and... other things honked at me, Miss Quinzel in the front seat, waving.

"I call it the new and improved Catmobile! We're going to go for a drive now." Miss Kyle grinned madly, skipping off to her limousine and jumping in the back seat with the other kids. I ran out and screamed, "Do you kids even know how to drive?!"

"Nope!" Miss Kyle sneered. "That's why we hired a driver!"

Detective Bullock's head peeked out from behind the driver's seat, and he yelled, "What was I supposed to do? I'm forced to live on a cop's wage!"

And the kids cheered as Detective Bullock drove their little delinquent wagon into the sunset.

I slumped back into the house and onto the couch, gulping down some aspirin. Who did Miss Kyle think she was? And what if she shared the money with the other kids? I took a nap and had a dream where Mister Kerr used the money to break all the inmates out of Arkham Asylum, and was jolted awake.

The front door opened, and the kids walked in, all wearing expensive trinkets and waving goodbye to Detective Bullock. Miss Kyle wearing entirely new clothes, grinned at me and dropped her shopping bags on the floor. Her new shoes were high heels and her new jeans seemed even tighter, with cut outs on the front and a few hundred silver buckles.

"What are you wearing?" I asked.

"It's a new costume! Bruce picked it for me."

I glared at Master Bruce, and he shied away, embarrassed. Mister Kerr walked in with bright green hair and sneered, "Like my new hair?"

Miss Quinzel followed, one pigtail dyed red, and the other died black. "We got cut and dye jobs!"

Finally, Miss Pepper came in with a new green sweater and squeaky boots. Mister Crane followed with Master Bruce, both of them without a ridiculous amount of expensive things.

"Why didn't you buy anything?" Miss Quinzel asked.

Master Bruce yelled, "I could've bought the entire mall!"

"Don't be sad." Miss Kyle grinned, pecking his cheek and making his face turn red. "I promise I'll never stop borrowing money from you."

Master Bruce's scowl faded away, and he smiled softly. "Thanks... I guess?"

"Anyway," Miss Kyle turned to me and smiled. "We're just dropping off stuff. Ed is picking us up later and we're going to go buy plots of land for Catlandia!"

The six kids left the house, and I went upstairs to think about what my life had become. Perhaps they could buy a personal island and live there by themselves. Was this my fault? I should've just bought Miss Kyle that damn toy car.

An hour later, I heard the door open downstairs and came down to find the sad-looking kids. Holding back a grin, I asked them what was wrong.

"Jack punched a policeman in the face, and we were fined all the money we have." Miss Kyle whimpered, sadly. "But on the bright side, they let us keep the stuff we already bought! Have fun driving us to school in the Catmobile!"

"Which policeman?" I asked.

"His stepfather's partner."

Miss Quinzel sighed, "He's dreamy when he's angry."

"Anyway, all of our money is gone, so-"

"Hey," Miss Quinzel said. "I still have my parent's credit card."

Miss Kyle slapped her forehead and grinned, "I'm going to go buy Catlandia!"

 **I want you guy's opinion on something. I did say that Jack was the last person to move in, but now I want to add one more person. Well, not a person per se. These past few days, I've been debating over one of the following two to join the gang. Either a baby version of Robin, or a puppy version of Ace the Bat-hound. I have some really funny ideas for both, so it's up to you! Also, I have a new story out for the Flash and Arrow called, 'Switching Secret Identities for the Day,' so go check that one out! Until next time, see you!**


	45. Little Baby Richard Grayson

**In case you haven't seen the new episode, I won't tell you what happens to Jerome, but I miss him already.**

 **** _"_ _Why are you showing me this?" Theo asked, hesitantly holding the diary._

 _"_ _Because it's funny!" Cat sighed. "You keep reading, and I'll go gather an audience. We can start a reading out-loud thing!"_

 _Theo stared confused at the girl running off to find more rich people, lifting the occasional wallet in the process._

Dear Diary,

There was a note in the mail today from a Mr. John Grayson. I believe that he and his wife had paid Master Bruce a visit a while back. They were circus folk, and they were back in Gotham with the circus to assist Detective Gordon in tracking down the Maniax. Then I read the note, and thought about ripping it up. Perhaps I could pretend I never got it.

"Hi, Alfred." Miss Pepper said, sneaking up on me and making me jump out of my skin. I must teach these kids to move louder.

"What are you doing here?"

"Didn't want breakfast. What's that?"

Miss Pepper grabbed the note out of my hands and read through it, a grin forming on her face. I proceeded to chase her down the hall where she showed the rest of the kids the note at the breakfast table. All of them stared in disbelief and turned to me, eyes wide.

"The Graysons had a baby?" Master Bruce asked.

Miss Kyle added, "And they don't want to raise a baby on the road, so it's staying here until it's older?"

I sighed, and finally nodded making all the kids jump in the air with glee. But would the baby be safe around here? What would Miss Kyle do to the baby? Or Mister Kerr? What would happen if it grew up being exposed to the kids?

"Do we need to prepare for anything?" Miss Quinzel asked.

"Of course." I said. "Master Bruce, would you care to go with Mister Kerr and Mister Crane to pick up some baby supplies? I'll have a list for you." I know they weren't the best choices to go out, but I would be busy, and my other options were Miss Kyle, Miss Pepper, and Miss Quinzel. I chose the safer option.

"What do we do, Alfred?" Miss Pepper asked.

"Well, the house is in no way safe for a baby. You three can help me baby-proof it."

I gave the boys a list of things to buy from the store and got Detective Gordon to drive them. Meanwhile, at the house, I gave Miss Kyle the job of moving all the valuable objects somewhere a child couldn't reach them, while Miss Pepper and Miss Quinzel would help me go through the house and wrap all the sharp corners and remove any small objects, etcetera.

I went around for an hour, putting sheets on all the valuables and wrapping the corners, while Miss Pepper and Miss Quinzel followed me around, doting on the baby and trying to pick a name in case it didn't have one. When the hour was up, I went to go check on Miss Kyle's progress. All of the knickknacks were still within easy reach of a baby.

"Miss Kyle!" I yelled, and she came running down the stairs.

"Yeah, Alfred?"

"What have you been doing this past hour?"

She shrugged, and I went up to Master Bruce's bedroom to see what she was doing. What I found was Master Bruce's old baby crib taken out in the corner, except painted black, a few 'toys' in the crib, and a live cat napping in it.

"I set up a crib for the baby!" she beamed. "It has my whip so it can practise with it, a picture of Bruce so it has something to grow into, and a cat for it to play with!"

"Okay, I don't care how irresponsible you are, what iota in your screwed up mind thought it was a good idea to give a baby a whip to play with?" I asked, only making her grin more.

Miss Quinzel raised her hand. "Mister J's picking up a giant hammer for the baby. Is that wrong?"

I growled, not knowing what these kids were thinking. Then I turned to Miss Pepper. "I trust Mister Crane is bringing home something equally dangerous and idiotic?"

"He's bringing a baby bottle. Cool the attitude, Old Man."

I shooed the cat out of the house, and Miss Kyle continued to fetch some things for her 'crib,' including some things I swore I was going to throw out a window later, and Miss Quinzel for whatever reason decided to add her own hammers and expensive jewelry, forcing me to take a break and gulp down a few pints. After a few hours, Miss Pepper and I had managed to wrap all the corners on the bottom floor, while Miss Quinzel and Miss Kyle finished turning a corner of Master Bruce's bedroom into something slightly more dangerous than that minefield I saw going through Afghanistan.

There was a knock at the door. I answered it, and the boys had come back with their hands full of... I didn't know whether they really were that stupid, or if they were just playing with me.

"Did you actually buy any of the things I asked you to?" I asked, hoping that someone actually listened.

Mister Kerr held up a baby bottle, which would've been good if it didn't have the name 'Jack' on it.

"Why is your name on it?" I asked.

Mister Kerr shrugged. "Its parents are going to be gone. So if we give it a new name, it's going to stick. I suggest Jack!" and he cackled madly until Mister Crane hit the back of his head.

I growled. "We're not calling the baby Jack."

The girls came down the stairs, and Miss Quinzel asked, "Can we call it Harley?"

"We're not calling it Harley."

Master Bruce asked, "Can we call it Bruce?"

"We're not calling it Bruce!"

"Don't worry, kid." Miss Kyle said. "When you and I have a baby, we'll call it Bruce."

She jumped out of the way to dodge the baby bottle I threw at her. The kids bickered amongst each other until a police car finally pulled out onto the driveway, and Detective Gordon came out with Mrs. Lloyd and Mr. Grayson, holding their tiny sleeping child in their hands, only as big as a teddy bear.

"Hi, Alfred." Mrs. Lloyd smiled. "Thank you so much for caring for our baby."

"What's its name?" Miss Pepper asked, and the kids bounced impatiently.

The two parents looked at each other, smiling, and Mr. Grayson said, "His name is Gordon."

Mrs. Lloyd then stepped on his foot hard, and corrected him, "Our baby boy's name is Richard. Richard Grayson."

Mister Kerr raised his hand, "Can we call him Dick?"

I ignored him, and took the precious little child in my hands. Little baby Richard was sleeping, tiny breaths escaping from his body. Miss Pepper took a look at him and whispered, "I'll take care of you."

Well, Richard was sleeping now. But having kids has taught me that they're never quiet for long.


	46. Theo Galavan the Elf King

**A message to the Gotham people: I love you people, but please. If you want to make a trailer for an episode, use its footage as opposed to the footage from the next next episode. Anyway, I know I haven't done any requests for a while, I have some planned so I'll get those out soon.**

 _"_ _Guys, it's almost time for my speech!" Bruce said, breathing nervously. He climbed the stairs and got ready to stand on the podium, as he saw the others snickering and wondered what they had done._

Dear Diary,

I had almost forgotten how hard raising a baby was. Especially since Master Bruce had joined the school band as a percussionist, and Mister Crane spent all night teaching him how to make noise on the drum set I didn't even know we had. The next morning though, Richard was awake and babbling quietly. I wrapped him in a blanket and carried him downstairs, figuring the kids would want to meet him.

"Aw!" Miss Quinzel squealed, the rest of the kids gathered around Richard.

"I'm going to raise him to be my sidekick." Mister Kerr said proudly, laughing quietly.

"I thought Harley was your sidekick." Miss Kyle said.

Mister Kerr shook his head. "Harley's my chef."

Master Bruce held out his hands, and I handed baby Richard to him to hold. Master Bruce rocked him in his arms, and Richard reached up to him with a small laugh.

"Aw, he likes you!" Miss Kyle smiled, kissing Master Bruce on the cheek. "Let's make him our baby."

"Okay, first, never say _our baby_ again." I said. "And second, Detective Gordon's finding a babysitter for you kids while I take Miss Pepper and Mister Kerr out for their 'citizens of Gotham' project."

"Oh yeah." Miss Pepper sighed. For a school project, the kids had to interview someone that made a difference in Gotham. Miss Kyle and Master Bruce took the opportunity to annoy the living daylights out of Detective Bullock, while Mister Kerr, partners with Miss Pepper, had somehow managed to book an interview with Theo Galavan.

Detective Gordon stopped by a few minutes later with who I assumed to be the babysitter, and I prepared Miss Pepper and Mister Kerr for the trip. Detective Gordon introduced me to Harvey Dent, the ADA and babysitter, who wanted to spend his weekend with the kids. Miss Kyle then asked if she could paint her bedroom, and he flipped a coin. My trust in him wavered.

Mister Kerr and Miss Pepper got into the car, and we drove off to Galavan's business firm. The drive wasn't long, and soon we were up the stairs and into the top floor, where Mister Galavan was waiting with his niece, Miss St. Cloud.

Mister Kerr jumped at the opportunity to impress her, and got down on his knees. "Hello, Silver. I'm back. I brought you something." He held up a flower to her, which made her smile a bit until it sprayed black ink in her face and all over her white dress. Mister Kerr laughed hysterically and grinned, "Might I see your bedroom?"

He followed Miss St. Cloud to the bathroom where she tried to wash the black ink off, while Miss Pepper sat down with Mister Galavan, holding up a microphone to record the interview.

"Please state your name." Miss Pepper said, matter-of-factly.

Mister Galavan seemed to think she was cute. "My name is Theo Galavan, philanthropist, head of chamber of commerce, humanitarian, scien-"

"This can only be ten minutes long, Theo." Miss Pepper interrupted. "Now, why do your ears stick so far out of your head?"

"I... I thought this was an academic interview for your education."

"It is. The academy wants to educate me on why your ears stick so far out of your head. Are you an elf?"

Mister Galavan frowned. "No, I'm not an elf."

"Are you a secret elf?"

"No."

"Were you like sent here by your elf king to watch over Gotham city or something?"

"I am here to watch over Gotham city, but no elf king commanded me to do so."

"So you're the elf king?"

"No, I'm not the king of anything."

"So you're just an elf? Okay, next question."

Mister Kerr followed Miss St. Cloud out of the bathroom and down the hall, cackling the entire time, while Miss Pepper ignored him and kept rambling. Then, I heard a siren in the distance. I turned to look out the window and saw the police cars heading in the direction of Wayne manor. I picked up the phone instantly and called Dent.

"Mister Dent, are the kids okay?"

There was the sound of a coin flip, and Mister Dent said, "Yes."

"Are you only saying what the coin told you to say?"

"Yes."

"Dent!"

There was a scream in the background, and Miss Kyle took the phone, saying, "Alfred? Richie's still sleeping."

"It's not Richard I'm worried about."

There was a whip cracking sound, Master Bruce laughing, a plate breaking, and Miss Kyle yelling, "I'll be right there, Bruce! We can keep doing that thing Jonny told us about! See you later, Alfred."

She hung up. I made a mental list of things Mister Crane could've told them, and decided I had to go home right away. I grabbed Miss Pepper in the middle of a conversation.

"So how's your love life?" Miss Pepper asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Who are you dating?"

"I'm not dating anyone."

"Yeah, you are."

"Who told you about Barbara?"

"I didn't say anything about a Barbara. Who's that?"

"ARGH!"

I dragged Miss Pepper away by the arm and yelled, "Mister Kerr! We're going!"

Mister Kerr walked out of Miss St. Cloud's room with a grin on his face and his hands behind his back. "Okay, we can go now."

"What's behind your back?" Miss Pepper asked.

Mister Kerr held out his hand and showed us a pair of small silver panties. "Guess who these belong to."

I grabbed his arm and dragged the two kids back down the stairs and into the car, apologizing to Mister Galavan. I drove home to Wayne manor, at least finding that there was no police car, ambulance, or fire truck. I ran inside the manor to find the place looking quite nice. I checked up on Richard, and he was sound asleep in Master Bruce's arms. Miss Kyle was reading a bedtime story, while Miss Quinzel was warming a baby bottle and Mister Crane brought in blankets.

"What did you kids do while I was gone?" I asked.

They didn't say anything, acting sweet for Richard, when the cupboard burst open and a whip, giant hammer, a broken TV, a bomb, and a golf stick with a bit of blood on it fell out. The kids grinned sweetly, and Mister Dent came down from upstairs.

"You approved of this?" I asked.

Mister Dent shrugged, flipping his coin. "The coin told me to. I stopped half of their antics, didn't I?"

Mister Kerr then walked through the door flaunting Miss St. Cloud's panties and laughing maniacally. "Guess what I got? Who wants to hang these from the flag pole on the roof?"

 **Partly inspired by Guest, who requested Jack raid Silver's panty drawer. Keep those suggestions coming, guys!**


	47. Alfred's Worst Decision Ever

**So, something occurred to me after I got a review with the baby's name in it. FF censors bad words, so in the review and PM, it was written as D*** Grayson. I really don't want it to appear that way in your notifications, so now his name is either Richard or Richie. I'll use Dick sometimes, I just don't want his name to be censored.**

Dear Diary,

I was training with Master Bruce this morning. I had gotten us some training gloves, but he seemed very lackluster today. He told me that there wasn't a point to training since he'd never grow strong enough. I tried to teach him the gun stance you use when someone is holding a gun to you, but he could never pull it off. That's when I got an idea to get him back on course, which I immediately regretted.

I waited until Miss Pepper and Mister Crane took Master Bruce to the park for lunch, and talked to Miss Kyle, Miss Quinzel, and Mister Kerr.

"So..." Mister Kerr grinned wider than I'd ever seen him. "You want us to create trouble?"

I sighed, regretting my decision. "Not anything big. Just something small. Master Bruce is losing focus, and I want to remind him what he's training for. Just get Miss Kyle stuck up a tree or something so he can save you. But remember, nothing drastic or dangerous. Are we clear?"

"Yep!" they said, and went upstairs to go do something I was slightly worried about. I went to my room to go take a nap before the others got home. Richard was happy with his baby bottle, and the kids were doing something, so I just sat back and fell asleep.

I woke up tied to a chair. Why did I let the kids in the house?

Master Bruce was tied up beside me, whispering, "Alfred, what's happening?" It was dark, and it looked like we were in the basement. Then a voice came on.

"Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!" Miss Quinzel said. I looked around and found her face on the television. "I was starting to think you wouldn't wake up! Would've ruined our plans, silly billies. So, Mister J and I have- Argh!"

There was a hitting sound, and Mister Kerr's voice came on. "Hello, it's me! It's time to play a little game that I call Death of the Family!" he started laughing loud into the camera. "So, here's the dealio. In the kitchen, I have the one and only, Bruce Wayne's squeeze and orphan street cat, Seliiinaaaaaa Kyleeeeee!" The camera panned to Miss Kyle tied to a chair with a bag over her head, screaming and struggling against the ropes. Mister Kerr started again, "And in the study, we have a little orphan baby and victim of my latest crowbar attack, Dick Graysooooonnnnn!"

"Aw, isn't he cute, Puddin'?" Miss Quinzel grinned, as the camera showed Richard in his crib, sleeping with a knife hanging over him.

Mister Kerr burst into evil laughter. "Now, this is for my friend, Wuce Brayne. You have to save one of them, I know you do, it's so sad, boohoo, but here's the funny part! You can only save one of them. The other, I blow to smitheree-weenies! Oh, and just in case you think I'm bluffing..." Mister Kerr threw a bomb out the window, and it blew up, destroying a tree in the backyard. "The clock's ticking, Brucey-boy! Tick-tock, tick-tock!" He laughed evilly until he turned off the camera.

"What happened to Jack? He went totally insane." Master Bruce said.

I sighed, not wanting to tell him it was my fault. Instead, we had to save Miss Kyle and Richard. I was tied back to back with Master Bruce, and could untie his ropes. He untied mine when he was free, and we stretched.

"What do we do now?" he asked.

"You save Miss Kyle, and I'll get Richard." I said. He nodded, and we burst the door open and went to go stop Mister Kerr. I went to the study to get Richard. The door was locked, so I kicked it open and would later fix it with Mister Kerr's severed teeth.

"Mister Kerr!" I yelled, growling and looking around for him. "You are in so much trouble!"

He wasn't anywhere in the room, so I dared to walk further in, and a gas filled the air, knocking me out for the second time today.

I woke up once again tied to a chair, but this time with a television in front of me. All the lights were off, and there was someone behind me.

"Hiya, Cheeves. Long time no see!" Mister Kerr rasped, bursting into evil laughter. "So, our friendio B-B-B-B-Bruuuuuuuucccceeeyyyyyy is going to arrive there any minute, and he's in for a bucket-o-laughs! And lucky-ducky-you! You get to watch the whoooollleeee thing! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!"

"Mister Kerr, I asked you to maybe get stuck on the roof or lose a book or something. You have gone way too far!"

"Oops, I'm so sorry. Jack isn't here right now. Please leave a message after the death of Bruce Wayne. HA HA HA HAAAAAA HA HAAAA!"

He left and I watched the television. Master Bruce started to walk into the screen, looking around warily, and there was Miss Quinzel's singing on the screen, "I'm a Harley girl, in a Harley wooooorrrrrldddd! It's so fantastic; It has to last-ic. Oh, hey, B-man. Sorry, but Mister J isn't expecting guests at the moment. I can show you out, if you wanna."

"What are you doing, Harley?" Master Bruce asked.

"Well, your buddy buddy butler asked us for a teensy-weensy favor we just couldn't refuse! So, if you wanna get out of here and save your buddies, I guess you gotta go through Mister J and I!"

I am so getting fired.

Master Bruce swung at Miss Quinzel, but she dodged it. He kept swiping and punching and kicking, but Miss Quinzel was too fast, and I wondered where she learned to fight. One kick to Master Bruce's tenders sent him to the ground.

"It's nothing personal, B-man. Mister J don't want any loose strings, if you know what I'm saying. Adios, Brucey-Goosey!"

Master Bruce grabbed her leg and tossed her to the floor, making me cheer a little bit, and knocked her head on a bookshelf. She fell unconscious. He only just got up when the clapping started.

"Bravo, good show, hugs all around!" Mister Kerr cheered, walking into view of the camera, holding a gun. He shot it at the window, proving there were bullets in it, making the window shatter. "Very funny, but I'm gonna cut it short. Sorry, but your act stopped being funny a few days ago. Boo-hoo, wa-ha, poor baby Brucey, no weapons, no parents, no way out. Looks like the Joker is making this a solo routine. C'est la vie. HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAA!"

As quick as lightning, Master Bruce grabbed Mister Kerr's gun arm and pushed it away before punching him in the chest, and kicking him backwards into the wall and hitting his head, knocking him out. Master Bruce just mastered gun stance.

Miss Pepper found me and untied me, and I ran down to the study to find Master Bruce. He was recovering from his fight, while Miss Kyle hugged him. Mister Crane brought Richard in, safe and sound. Then, Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel started to wake up.

"Ugh, my head hurts." Mister Kerr groaned. "What just happened? I don't remember anything from today. Do you Harley?"

"Nope."

"Oh well. Hey, Bruce. Want to go see a movie?"


	48. Red and his Magic Bag

_"_ _Ladies and Gentlemen!" the emcee announced once everyone had settled in. "I'd like to introduce a personal friend of mine, here to give us a speech on the spirit of Gotham city, Bruce Wayne!"_

 _There was applause, and Bruce stepped onto the podium, clearing his voice and opening his speech. He then read what it said, "Hello, citizens of Gotham. I'd like to introduce to you... Selina Kyle?"_

 _Cat jumped up on stage, bowing. "Hello, my dear fans. I'd like to read something very near and dear to my heart to you today. Does anyone know who Alfred Pennyworth is?"_

Dear Diary,

By trial and error, we had found out that Richard liked a TV show called, 'Red and his Magic Bag.' It was about a full grown man in a red shirt playing a five year old kid with a magic bag who went on adventures with pirates. Of course, it was a kid's show, but Richard loved it. Master Bruce had bought season one on DVD for him, and we played it all day. Richard would just sit mesmerized in front of the TV watching it.

This morning, Miss Kyle and Mister Kerr came downstairs for breakfast, finding Richard sat in front of the TV, watching Red and his Magic Bag. Mister Kerr stifled his laughter. "I wonder what kind of drugs you have to be on to write something like that."

Miss Kyle laughed. "Yeah, that guy is way too happy."

"Quiet, you lot." I said. "Richard is watching."

I tossed them some eggs and toast for breakfast, sitting them down on the table. The TV showed Red asking, "Oh no! Fishbeard stole my lunchbox! Will you help me get it back?"

Richard bounced up and down, nodding and laughing. Mister Kerr sneered, "No, Red. I will not help you, so I guess you're going hungry today."

"What's he doing?" Red said on the TV. "Fishbeard can be such a clown."

Mister Kerr grinned. "Sounds like I'd like him." He turned to face the TV, laughing at the protagonist's crying.

Miss Kyle nudged him with her elbow, laughing. "Come on, Jack. Don't tell me you like this junk too."

On the TV, Red said, "Look! It's the Black Cat! Maybe she can help us!"

And that got Miss Kyle to stare at the screen as well.

I went up to my room to change clothes, and came back down to do some cleaning when I saw Mister Kerr and Miss Kyle sitting with Richard on the ground, staring mesmerized at the screen. The show had got to them. Mister Crane and Miss Quinzel came down the stairs for lunch, and stopped in their tracks noticing their two friends watching TV with Richard.

"Wat'cha watching, Mister J?" Miss Quinzel asked, confused.

"Shut up, you stupid blonde." Mister Kerr growled, never taking his eyes off the screen. "Red's entering Pirate Cove."

"Ooh, I like pirates." Miss Quinzel grinned, sitting down next to Mister Kerr, again mesmerized by the show.

Mister Crane sighed. "We entertain ourselves in life to kill time until we can finally enter the perfidy of death."

"Oh no, Black Cat!" Red cried on the television. "The pirates have swords!"

"I love pointy objects." Mister Crane said, sitting down on the floor to watch the show.

It was the third time watching through the season on DVD when Miss Pepper and Master Bruce came down the stairs to do homework and they witnessed their friends watching 'Red and his Magic Bag.' The two stared, confused, and they were about to ask me what was going on.

"I don't know." I said, cutting them off. "I just don't know."

Miss Pepper overheard someone on the show say, "Look! The trees and flowers are singing!" and she sat herself down on the ground to watch. Master Bruce sighed, shrugged, said, "When in Rome..." and sat down on the ground with his friends to watch. Not wanting any part of this, I went upstairs to my room to clean up. I was in my room for maybe a half hour when there was a high-pitched gargling sound at the door.

Richard had crawled up the stairs and sat at the doorstep of my room, biting his thumb and making soft gurgling noises. I picked him up and cradled him in my arms, "What are you doing here, little kipper?"

"Gak." he murmured softly, and started to fall asleep in my arms. I sighed, rocking him for a bit and until he was sound asleep, his tiny thumb in his mouth. I decided I should take him downstairs to his crib and put him to sleep, and went down the stairs to find why Richard had come up.

"No! Don't go in the Pirate Cavern! Why are you so stupid?!"

"It's the one on the left! Your sidekick is no help at all!"

"Just pull a machine gun out of your magic bag! That's what every other human being on the earth would do!"

"No! Fishbeard is right behind you! Turn around, you idiot!"

All six kids sat on the ground, mesmerized by the kid's TV show and yelling at the screen. Red asked for help steering his pirate ship, and all six kids started moving their arms in circles to help steer the 'ship'. I'd had enough. I grabbed the remote control and turned the television off, and all six kids slumped on the floor, kicking, screaming and crying. I had to do it. That show was a drug.

 **Next chapter is a request, starring the Gotham Children's Hospital event, Silver St. Cloud, and a special tribute to the best clown prince of crime to ever grace TV.**


	49. The Barbara Intervention

_Cat took a deep breath, ready to read whatever was on the page out loud for the entire city to hear, when her leg vibrated, and she checked her phone for texts. She ignored it, but Bruce gave her frantic hand gestures that made her check anyway. It was from Alfred, saying, "Train was early. Coming home early. If anything is broken, I will kill you."_

Dear Diary,

The kids were relatively quiet today. They were in Master Bruce's bedroom all day, not a peep coming from the room. Mister Crane and Miss Pepper brought a small backboard into the study, but that was nothing compared to some of the things they've done. Then, there was a knock at the door.

I answered it, and Detective Gordon was at the door with Detective Bullock.

"What's wrong, Detective Gordon?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Bruce called me saying there was an emergency."

I invited him in, and the kids came down the stairs with sombre expressions on their faces and papers in their hands. They sat Detective Gordon down on the couch, and Detective Bullock stared amused.

"Detective Gordon." Master Bruce said, looking down sadly. "We understand that your girlfriend Barbara is a complete psycho."

"We're here to help you over this difficult time. This is an intervention." Mister Kerr said, although with a slight grin.

Detective Gordon sighed, not knowing if the kids were joking, serious, or stupid. Neither did I. "Listen, kids. I appreciate it, but I'm fine. Barbara's-"

"Shhhhhhhhhhh..." All six kids whispered, holding their index fingers over their lips. "It's okay. We're going to help you through this."

Detective Gordon looked to Detective Bullock for help, but he just shrugged, "Hey, dude. I told you she was trouble. You deserve this."

Gordon shot him a scowl, and Miss Quinzel started reading off her sheet. "Thanks to Mister J, I know what true love is, and I'm eternally grateful to him. But I also learned how devastating it would be to lose him. I know that you loved Barbara, but she's now a _total psycho_."

She nodded, and moved back to join the others. Detective Gordon tried protesting with, "I'm over her, I don't need you to-" to which the kids replied, "Shhhhhhhh..." I decided it was time to stop this. "Kids, what do you think you're-"

"Cat, would you like to talk?" Miss Quinzel asked, and Miss Kyle stepped forward.

Detective Gordon yelled, "I'm completely fine! I don't need you kids to-"

"Thank you, Harley." Miss Kyle said, a slight smile showing through her pretend sadness. "Once, Bruce went away to Switzerland with Alfred for two weeks. So I broke into their house, stole their jewelry, sold it all, bought a bunch of bats, and filled the mansion with them."

"That was you?" I asked.

"Anyway, I understand that your ex-girlfriend is a _total_ psycho, and love can make you do crazy things. I know it's probably why you threw a bunch of people out of windows."

Detective Gordon looked at her, growling. "That's not why I-"

"And I know it's why you hugged Bullock and touched his forehead like you were ET." Mister Kerr said.

"How did you know-"

"And I know your completely psychotic ex-girlfriend is why you're growing your hair out and gelling it up to look like Bruce's and Theo's and Jerome's and-" Mister Crane sighed.

Detective Bullock yelled, "That's what I said!"

"Shut up, Bullock. You started gelling your hair too."

There was yet another knock at the door, and I went to answer it, but Master Bruce cut me off. "That's our final guest."

"I told you, I'm over Barbara! What did you-"

I waited for him to walk over and open the door, revealing Mister Nygma standing at the door pushing a gurney. Strapped onto the gurney was Barbara Kean wearing a straitjacket, with a mask over her face and ropes tying her to the gurney.

Detective Gordon and Detective Bullock jolted upright, getting their guns out and pointing them at her.

"Why is she here?" he asked.

"We're going to end this right here and today with your _totally_ psycho _ex_ -girlfriend." Miss Pepper said.

Nygma took the mask off of Miss Kean. She stretched her neck and fluffed her hair up, smiling sweetly, "Hello, Jim. Nice friends you've got here."

Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel pulled Detective Gordon towards his ex-girlfriend, and said, "Now, tell Barbara how you feel."

Detective Gordon shuffled uncomfortably while Detective Bullock tried holding back laughs. Detective Gordon said, "Hi, Barbara. Umm, I know that you're still a good woman, but I'm over you."

Miss Kean laughed loudly and evilly, filling the room with cackles. She sneered, "You and me are exactly the same. We both have darkness inside of us, eating us from the inside out. Why fight it, Jim? Just give in, and we can be together again. We can be free, and never have to worry about anything ever again." And she laughed evilly again.

"Barbara, that's enough." Detective Gordon said. "It's over. We're done."

"You shouldn't have done that, Jim." Miss Kean growled. "I have friends in high places, and they will destroy you. They will reduce this city to ashes and eat everyone in it alive, and I'll be sitting on my throne, laughing." She proceeded to cackle and whip her head wildly as Mister Nygma wheeled her out and back into the car.

"You know, kids." Detective Gordon sighed. "I think I do feel a little better."

Miss Kyle nodded. She yelled, "Okay, Ed, you can let her go now!"

"Wait, no!"

My head darted out the door, to find Mister Nygma untying Miss Kean. She burst free, kissed him, and ran off into the horizon, laughing crazily and stabbing a few pedestrians on the way.

The two detectives ran outside with their guns to track her down, and Detective Gordon yelled and shot his gun at Miss Kean, and all six kids dropped on the ground laughing hysterically.

"Okay, next week's intervention is with Ed. That guy was talking to himself in the mirror yesterday!"

 **The exact words of this suggestion were, "Gordon discovers his insane ex Barbara is pregnant and the kids do everything they can to remind him of it," but I changed it a bit. I actually think that Jim Gordon Jr. has a pretty good chance of making an appearance in this. You know Jim Jr.? Jim and Barbara's insane serial killer son? Yeah. By the way, I do understand and sympathize with Barbara a lot more now. The anger she feels to Lee for separating her and Jim is equal to the anger I feel to Silver for separating Bruce and Selina.**


	50. Cat and Harley's Art Project

Dear Diary,

The kids had been at school for the morning, and I had been at home taking care of Richard. Finally, they returned a few hours after. My attention went to Miss Quinzel and Miss Kyle holding an artist's easel.

"What's that for?" I asked.

"Cat and I are partners for an art project." Miss Quinzel said. "We're supposed to paint something that inspires us."

I nodded, "So what are you going to paint?"

"We don't know yet." Miss Kyle shrugged. "We'll think of something."

They both disappeared for most of the morning, and when I called them at lunch, they were nowhere to be found. Just then, I got a phone call from Detective Gordon at the precinct about Selina Kyle and Harley Quinzel, and I of course had to drive all the way to the precinct.

I came in to find all the policemen in the place snickering quietly and staring. In the center of the room, Detective Bullock had fallen asleep at his desk. Miss Kyle and Miss Quinzel had placed a few empty beer cans next to him, taped his face into a funny expression, and had half-finished painting him.

"Miss Kyle and Miss Quinzel, what do you think you're doing?!" I yelled, making the girls wince and waking up Detective Bullock. He jolted awake, noticed what was happening, and ripped the tape off his face.

"Cat! Harley! I'm going to kill you!"

Miss Kyle ran out the door, but I stopped Miss Quinzel. "This is what inspires you?"

"Yeah." she smiled. "When Bullock wakes up, it inspires us to run!" she giggled and skipped out the door, chased by a furiously snarling detective with tape on his face.

I drove myself home, finding Bullock had collapsed drunk in the middle of the street approximately ten yards from the precinct. The two girls had beat me home, and by the time I parked in the garage, they were inside the house. Miss Pepper was in the garden, whispering to the flowers. I asked her where the other girls were, and she said they were on the roof which had me worried enough to go check.

As I climbed the stairs, there were repeated thudding sounds coming from outside. I raced up to the roof, where Miss Kyle was standing looking over the edge. There was a thud on the ground, and I looked over to see a shiny white backpack had just hit the ground. Miss Quinzel, standing on the ground painting, started to pick it up and bring it back up the stairs.

"Miss Kyle, what are you doing?" I asked. "That's not the backpack I bought you."

"It's not mine." she said, simply hearing Miss Quinzel come up the stairs. She walked back and grabbed the backpack, waiting for Miss Quinzel to get back down to the ground. She then saw Miss Quinzel back at the easel with a brush in hand giving her a thumbs-up, and she threw the backpack back down. Miss Quinzel got a fraction of a brushstroke done before she picked the backpack up and brought it back up. Once again, Miss Quinzel raced back down; Miss Kyle waited until she was ready, and threw it back down so Miss Quinzel could paint it.

"You're painting the backpack falling?" I asked.

She nodded, and went to throw the backpack down another time.

"You're supposed to be painting something that inspires you. Whose is that?"

From the open door, I overheard the front door opening downstairs and overheard a conversation.

"Hi, Bruce."

"Hello, Silver. Are you here about the English homework?"

"No, actually. Umm... I think Cat accidentally took my backpack at school today. May I please have it back?"

I realized where this was going, staring at Miss Kyle, who was throwing the backpack off the roof one more time for Miss Quinzel to paint.

"What?" Miss Kyle shrugged. "This inspires me. When I see Silver's face, I'm inspired to throw her stuff off the roof."

I glared at her until she threw up her arms.

"Fine. Hey, Harley! Silver's at the front door! Give her back her stuff!"

Miss Quinzel threw the half-finished painting on the ground and circled around the house to give Miss St. Cloud her backpack back. I went back down to meet her and apologize.

After a quick drive to the cell phone store to reimburse Miss St. Cloud for the shattered remains of her cell phone, I quickly drove home, not wanting to leave the kids alone for long. That always led to trouble. Well, the house was quiet when I got home, but when I parked and got into the house, I was greeted by the sight of Master Bruce and Mister Kerr shirtless and wearing togas, with leaves in their hair and holding swords to each other, frozen in place for Miss Quinzel and Miss Kyle to paint.

 **(A/N) Oh my god, at the time of this writing, Alfred just slapped Selina across the face. "That was for Reggie," he says. You know you're the only one who remembers that, right? You know, Alfred? I used to feel bad for making your life miserable in this story, but I no longer feel anything. You smashed Bruce's computer, you hit on Jim's girlfriend, you slapped Selina, you drove six and a half miles just to give Bruce a pair of shoes and drive mockingly into the horizon, and now I feel nothing for you. Join us next time on Gotham, where Alfred will make fun of Zsasz for having no eyebrows and break Penguins' other leg so he has to walk like he crapped his pants.**

"What are you girls doing?" I yelled, making the two boys almost fall over.

"They're our inspiration!" Miss Quinzel beamed.

I sighed, "Well why aren't they wearing shirts?"

"That's the inspiring part."

"Can we move yet?" Master Bruce asked, struggling to hold up his sword. "We've been standing still for two hours."

"Yeah, are you done yet?" Mister Kerr growled.

I slipped in behind the girls to peek at their painting. "What the hell is this?" I asked, looking at an admittedly nice but completely irrelevant abstract interpretation of a bat flying out of a dark cave with the words, 'Ha Ha Ha' chasing it.

Miss Quinzel stepped back and smiled, "The cave represents the darkness in our souls, and the bat is the order that thinks it can escape from the dark, but will always be pulled back into the chaos."

"I drew the bat." Miss Kyle grinned.

The two boys had stepped out of their poses and were staring at the painting for a while, and we were silent until Master Bruce asked, "So if you were painting this, what were we standing up there for?"

"You were inspiring us!" Miss Quinzel beamed. "You know, with the vibes of your personalities and your pale, hairless legs."

Mister Kerr stared at the painting for a few more minutes until he finally exclaimed, "I don't care, I look fantastic!"

 **At the time of this writing, Silver just flashed Bruce with an erotic smile and Selina is leaning against a fire hydrant thinking about him. Alfred had better hope Bruce doesn't find out he slapped his first love, or else he'll get fired again. Oh, by the way, Alfred? Without Selina in it, Bruce's life would be a damn sight dead-er. My heart is officially broken.**

 **Anyway, Silver's here, so I guess I've got to keep my promise. Coming soon, a story arc involving the Galavans, Waynes, Quinzels, and their houses in Switzerland.**


	51. Selina Kyle's Day at School

**Hello, dear readers. There is a story on called Things We're Not Allowed to do While We're at School. It's by FanWriter83, featuring the adventures of Selina Kyle, Bruce, and a bunch of other people at school, (Which we recently learned was called Ander's Prep) and now, here's another one of those crossover chapters you all love so much. And since I no longer feel bad for making Alfred's life miserable, this is going to be a lot of fun. I won't tell you what rules I'm using. You'll just have to guess...**

Dear Diary,

I had dropped the kids off at school and drove back home to give Richard his bottle and watch some TV while the kids were gone when only a few minutes after, Mister Crane and Miss Pepper walked through the front door.

"Wh- What are... the school is six miles away! How did you walk back here so quickly?" I stammered.

The two shrugged. "It's only six miles if you go around the bend. If you cut through the park, it's like two minutes. That what Bruce does when you make him run home."

"Wait, what?" I stood up. "Why are you here?"

"Mr. Zeus had a nervous breakdown in the middle of class." Mister Crane said. "It was... amusing."

Miss Pepper sighed. "Anyway, Professor Strange wants you to fill in. He says you used to be a licensed teacher. We're staying to take care of Richard. Also, the car is out of gas and the park we walked through started being sprayed a few minutes ago, so have fun walking six miles to school. Or, you know. Running."

I turned off the TV, growled at them, and started on the drive to the school. Luckily, Mister Kerr had a bunch of gasoline tanks lying around his room for reasons I did not want to know, and soon, I was at the doorstep of the school. I went through the halls and reached the principal's office, where Professor Strange was waiting for me. He sat, stern and angry.

"Professor, I am so sorry." I said. "I'll start right away."

"Yes, Selina Kyle's legal guardian, I'm sure you-" he was interrupted by a fit of giggling in the halls. He ignored it and started again. "Anyway, I've looked through your files. We'd appreciate if-" Once again, there was giggling in the halls. The Professor growled, "Forgive me, Selina has been-"

There was a clink in the corner, and a spray bottle of Febreze with a zip tie tied around the nozzle was thrown into the office. The door was then shut, and the terrible smells of daisies and freshness filled the air, making us cough and gag. I threw the door open, throwing the bottle out the window, and staring down a giggling Miss Kyle.

"Oh, hey Alfred." she grinned. "Didn't know you were in there. I just got two for one." and she laughed as she ran down the hall. It was going to be a long day.

I made my way to the classroom where I was going to teach. I didn't have much to do, all I had to do was supervise while the students read their assignments and did their work. I sat down at my desk and looked at my class, all nicely dressed, elegant children. Then, Master Bruce and Tommy Elliot came through the door. Mister Elliot had recently gotten out of his neck brace from his last encounter with Mister Kerr, and now had a wad of gum stuck on his forehead.

"Look what this brat did to me!" he yelled, making the class look up at him.

"It wasn't me!" Master Bruce whimpered, defending himself. Well, if it wasn't Master Bruce, it could only be one person.

I looked around. "Where's Miss Kyle?"

My hope that it was going to be a good teaching day plummeted and broke into a million pieces when the announcements came on with a beep, and Miss Kyle's voice started over the PA.

"Tommy Elliot isn't allowed to bully Bruce Wayne! You're an idiot and everyone thinks so! Hurt Bruce one more time, and I'm kicking you so hard you have to chase your balls all over the place! Correction, you don't have balls!"

Mister Elliot screamed in frustration and went to sit at his desk. I tried hiding my face in my hands. Master Bruce smirked a bit, and started to sit down. Well, at least no one knew Miss Kyle was my child.

"Second announcement!" she yelled, the microphone feedback making us wince. "Alfred Pennyworth isn't allowed to stare, scowl, growl, or yell at Selina when she breaks one of his stupid rules! Seriously, there are like two hundred and fifty of them!"

Master Bruce shrugged. "She has a point."

"Well, I wouldn't have to make rules if that girl wasn't such a-"

"Third announcement!" Miss Kyle screeched. "My name is Selina Kyle! I love cats and I hate people! Accept Bruce Wayne because he's my boyfriend and I love him!"

Ok, that was it! I grabbed Master Bruce's pale, frozen arm, (All the blood had rushed to his grinning face) and dragged him to the PA room, where I kicked the door open and found Miss Kyle, wearing a sport's announcer's hat and sitting at the microphone, laughing. "Oh, hey guys. Alfred, did you hear announcement number two? Because breaking the rules isn't cool."

"You have one more chance, Miss Kyle." I growled, hoping to scare her. "You break one more rule, and I'm dragging you all the way back to Wayne manor."

"Oh." she sighed. "So I shouldn't tell you what I did to the boy's bathroom?"

"That's it!" I grabbed her arm and dragged her outside, throwing her into the car. Master Bruce followed, worried about his delinquent little leman. They got into the car, and I started the drive home. I would drive back once I got them back with Mister Crane and Miss Pepper at the mansion.

"You can do it! Come on!" I heard Miss Kyle yell in the backseat. I turned back to see what was happening, and Master Bruce had used my distraction to turn up the car's radio. The two then made the roof go down and stood on the seats, singing along with the radio to a jogger on the streets.

"I GOT THE EYE OF THE TIGER, A FIGHTER, DANCING THROUGH THE FIRE, 'CAUSE I AM A CHAMPION, AND YOU'RE GONNA HEAR ME ROAR!"

The radio kept singing alone, as the two threw their heads up and started to roar as loud as they could. Those kids never cease to make me have to hide from the public. I looked around and noticed people staring, and I ducked below the dashboard so no one could see me. Assuming Miss Pepper and Mister Crane had left the house still standing, I would be having a very frank talk with Miss Kyle and Master Bruce later.

 **Hope you liked it! FanWriter83 is doing a chapter of rules based on my story, so check that out on Things We're Not Allowed to do While We're at School! Until next time, here's a sneak peek of next chapter!**

Mister Kerr kept sharpening his knife, staring down. "I don't care. Just iron my clothes and fill the fridge with food."

"Silver is also going." Master Bruce said.

Mister Kerr looked up from his knife, his face frozen and his jaw dropped.

 **Dunh, dunh, dunh...**


	52. Jack Kerr vs Nathaniel Barnes

_Cat whipped her cell phone out and called Ed right away. "Ed, drive us home right away! It's an emergency!"_

 _"_ _Why, what happened?"_

 _"_ _Alfred's coming back early!"_

 _"_ _I'll be right over."_

Dear Diary,

I got a form from the kids' school today. It said that they were having a work fair, and that it would be required of the students to work in a real job for ten hours to earn credit for college. I wasn't there, of course. It did sound like a good opportunity, though.

An hour after, and it was time for the kids to come home from school. I drove up to the front of the school and waited. The first to come out were Miss Kyle, Master Bruce, and Miss Pepper, all wearing GCPD badges.

"Guess what, Alfred?" Master Bruce said. "For our work experience projects, we became members of the new GCPD Strike Force!"

Of course, a few minutes after, Mister Kerr, Miss Quinzel, and Mister Crane bounced out the front door, wearing straitjackets, and said, "Guess what, Alfred? For our work experience projects, we became members of the Maniax!"

The kids stared at each other in shock for a couple minutes, and then shifted uncomfortably into the car. The drive home was completely silent. After a while, rumbling started in the back seat, and the car door opened, but I didn't think anything happened so I just ignored it.

I parked in the garage, got into the house to make tea, and the kids went up to their bedroom. An hour after that, Miss Kyle came through the front door, dirty and sweating. "Did you not hear them push me out of the car?"

I decided to lie. "No, I didn't."

Miss Quinzel came down the steps, and Miss Kyle yelled at her, "What was that?!"

"We're Maniax! Our job is to take out the Strike Force, silly." Miss Quinzel picked up a paper ball, threw it at Miss Kyle's face, and skipped upstairs.

Miss Kyle hissed like a cat and chased her upstairs to do... I didn't care.

Later in the day, I was still downstairs doing some vacuuming, and Master Bruce ran down looking alarmed. "Alfred, look what the Maniax did to me!" He lifted up his shirt so I could see the word 'MANIAX!' spray painted across his chest. "Also, Jonny is starting to scare me." he said.

"How is Mister Crane scaring you?"

"I found these in the oven." He held up mini dolls that looked like him, Miss Pepper, and Miss Kyle.

I sighed. "So why don't you go fight back?"

Master Bruce shrugged. "Yeah, I guess I can do that."

He then ran upstairs, and I searched the house for any more of Mister Crane's dolls. After a while, it became apparent that the kids were 'fighting' each other upstairs. Miss Pepper came downstairs soaking wet, and I didn't want to know. A photo of Master Bruce with pins stuck into his face came down the stairs, and I seriously considered Arkham for Mister Crane. Master Bruce apparently followed my advice and fought back. Sadly, I hadn't raised him to prank people well. Miss Quinzel came down with one of her pigtails cut a quarter inch shorter than before. She then retied it, and it was no longer noticeable. Master Bruce frowned sadly.

At the end of the day, there was a knock at the door, and I answered it to find someone Detective Gordon had told me about. It was Captain Nathaniel Barnes, the new captain of the GCPD.

"I'M CAPTAIN BARNES!" He said, in an overly loud voice. "MAY I COME IN?!"

"Of course, Captain Barnes." I said. "What's wrong?"

"I HEARD SOME OF YOUR KIDS SIGNED UP FOR MY STRIKE FORCE!" he said. "MAY I MEET THEM?!"

I didn't say anything. I didn't have to, since Miss Kyle came downstairs a few seconds later and said, "Hey, can you keep your voice down? Some of us are trying to sleep."

Captain Barnes nodded. "ARE YOU ONE OF THE KIDS THAT SIGNED UP FOR MY STRIKED FORCE?!"

Miss Kyle nodded. "Are you capable of using an indoor voice?"

"THIS IS MY INDOOR VOICE! DON'T MAKE ME USE MY ANGRY VOICE!"

Miss Kyle went back upstairs and got Master Bruce and Miss Pepper. The three kids came down and stood in front of Captain Barnes, their hands behind their backs.

Captain Barnes smiled. "A COUPLE OF FINE CADETS! I NEVER SAY NO WHEN SOMEONE WANTS TO BE A COP! BUT DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?"

I tried to not laugh when he called them fine cadets, and the kids started some quiet mixed responses. Then, of course, Mister Kerr came down. "Hey, look! I ordered take out from Humpty's before, but wow. I had no idea they get Humpty Dumpty to deliver. That is dedication."

"I'M CAPTAIN NATHANIEL BARNES OF THE GCPD UNIT ALPHA STRIKE FORCE! WHO ARE YOU?"

Mister Kerr grinned. "So you're leader of the Strike Force? I'll be right back."

He went back up the stairs, and Captain Barnes turned back to the kids. "SO YOU THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A COP? IT'S A LOT OF HARD WORK, AND A LOT OF BLOOD, SWEAT, AND TEARS, BUT IT'S ALL WORTH IT ONCE YOU GET YOUR PERP, THROW SOME CUFFS ON HIM, SPIT IN HIS FACE, AND-" he stopped mid-sentence when he caught a spitball right between his fingers, right before it could land in his face. His head darted to Mister Kerr, holding a spitball shooter and grinning.

"YOU, COME DOWN HERE!" Barnes said. Mister Kerr walked forward and stood in front of him with a grin.

"Yes, Humpty Dumpty?"

"THERE ARE TWO THINGS I CAN'T TOLERATE IN THIS WORLD. THAT'S CRIME, AND SPITBALLS. I KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE. OU'RE THE KIND OF SCUM OF THE EARTH THAT POISONS OUR SOCIETY WITH MALICE AND CHAOS AND YOU ARE THE REASON THE STRIKE FORCE EXISTS! WE EXIST TO GET RID OF SCUM LIKE YOU! AND I DON'T CARE HOW WE DO IT!"

Mister Kerr grinned. "I'd give you a speech from the Maniax, but it's not really our thing."

He skipped upstairs to do whatever, and Miss Kyle popped a slight smirk. "Actually, Captain Barnes, we kind of need your help. That boy you just saw is a member of the Maniax, and he's teasing us."

"OH, IS HE?! WELL MAYBE WE NEED TO SHOW HIM WHAT THE STRIKE FORCE CAN DO!" I followed Captain Barnes up the stairs and to the closed door of the kids' bedroom. He knocked once, then kicked it down. What followed for me was fifteen seconds of overwhelming embarrassment.

Miss Quinzel turned on a fan, causing a giant bag of feathers blow into Captain Barnes. Mister Crane pulled a tripwire on the ground, making Barnes fall on his back onto the ground. Mister Kerr then took a can of spray paint, painted the word 'MANIAX!' on his chest, and painted a red smile on his face. The three kids then ran out the front door, laughing maniacally.

Captain Barnes finally got up and growled, "I'M GONNA KILL THAT KID!" he got up and chased after Mister Kerr. Master Bruce checked his watch and said, "Ten hours is up. That means Captain Barnes has to sign our work forms."

The rest of the kids chased after Barnes, and I went downstairs to pour myself some liquor.


	53. The SilverBat Trilogy (Part One)

**Big news! I just published a new spin-off story to this featuring Jack. It's called The Last Laugh (Revised Script) and it contains a really confusing paradox that you shouldn't think about too much. Anyway, this is going to be the start of a story arc of maybe three chapters. It'll be mainly about Silver and a vacation to the Alps, so enjoy!**

 _Ed pulled up next to the ball. Cat grabbed her friends and waved to the audience, "If you all know what's good for you, you won't say anything to our butler." And she threw them in the car._

Dear Diary,

I just woke up when I got a phone call from Mister Galavan. He asked me if the Waynes still owned their house in the Alps, and I said yes. Then, he delivered the news that the Wayne's chalet had been considered abandoned and was going to be paved over. If we wanted to keep it, a Wayne would have to go sign a contract. The Galavans were facing a similar situation and were wondering if we wanted to go with them. And also, a Quinzel also had to come, since every rich family in Gotham has a chalet in Switzerland.

"Just one thing." he said. "Don't bring your other kids. We'll be far too busy, and they'll be cooped up all day."

"Of course, Mister Galavan. I will see you later."

I'd get the airplane tickets from Mister Galavan later, so I figured I'd tell the kids sooner rather than later. Of course, Master Bruce and Miss Quinzel were very excited about going to Switzerland.

"This is going to be great!" Miss Quinzel beamed. "I haven't been to the Swiss lodge in forever!"

Miss Kyle bounced in, draping her arm around Master Bruce's shoulder. "Who cares? We're going to Switzerland!"

I cleared my throat to get their attention. "Actually, Master Bruce and Miss Quinzel are going to Switzerland with Miss St. Cloud. The rest of you are staying here."

The excitement froze as their jaws dropped, and they started yelling. Mister Kerr came down the stairs, snickering and sharpening his knife. Miss Quinzel skipped to him and wrapped her arms around him. "Look at that face! I can't leave Mister J!"

Mister Kerr kept sharpening his knife, looking down. "Whatever this is, I don't care. Just iron my clothes and fill the fridge with food."

"Silver is also going." Master Bruce said.

Mister Kerr looked up from his knife, his face frozen and his jaw dropped. I groaned, "Master Bruce, pack your bags. We're leaving for the week. Miss Quinzel, your butler is bringing your things from your mansion."

"But I don't want to go if Mister J isn't coming! I don't want to-" she stopped when Mister Kerr dropped the knife and whispered something in her ear, making her smirk a bit. "Ok, I'll go. Come on, Bruce. Let's get our stuff."I was going to ask what they were doing, but what could they do? Sabotage our luggage? There was no way in hell they were going to Switzerland with us, so whatever they were doing was worth a week without them.

When Master Bruce and Miss Quinzel had their bags ready, the other four kids stood at the door to say goodbye, all of them smirking creepily. As long as there was no way for them to get to Switzerland, I was happy. Detective Gordon would be here in a few minutes to babysit, and Mister Galavan was going to be there in a minute.

The doorbell rang, and Mister Galavan was waiting with Miss St. Cloud.

"Apologies, my sister is taking care of affairs in Gotham." he said. "Shall we go?"

Master Bruce and Miss Quinzel picked their suitcases up and followed Mister Galavan into the car. I looked back at the kids, still smirking evilly, and closed the door. I wouldn't be seeing their faces for a whole week.

Soon, we had gone through airport security, and I made sure the other kids hadn't snuck into our luggage. Then, we gave our luggage to the staff and sat on the plane, ready to take off. Miss St. Cloud sat beside Master Bruce, while I sat with Mister Galavan. Miss Quinzel had plugged headphones into her ears and was dancing in her seat, singing quietly along. Soon, the plane had taken off.

The flight lasted for a few hours. My legs had fallen asleep after a while, and all we got was a bag of peanuts, but after a few hours, I saw Switzerland from the window. Miss Quinzel squealed in excitement.

The plane came to a stop, and the passengers started to file out of the plane. Miss Quinzel excitedly jumped up, racing out the plane, and I filed out with Mister Galavan. I breathed in the fresh Swiss air, and Mister Galavan called a taxi to take us to their house.

"Isn't this nice?" Mister Galavan asked.

Miss Quinzel nodded. "I remember this place!"

"I'm hungry, is there a MacDonald's here?" Miss Kyle whined. Wait, what?

"Miss Kyle? What- How are you even here?!" I yelled. Behind her, Miss Pepper, Mister Crane, and Mister Kerr were walking in from their own airplane. Miss Pepper held Richard in her arms.

"Well, you wouldn't let us come, so we had to do something." Miss Pepper shrugged.

Mister Crane smirked a bit, "So it's a good thing we have a friend with tons of money, no authority figure watching her, and a private jet."

Miss Quinzel grinned, "I call it my Harley-copter. It's been following our plane the entire time!"

I wanted to say how I felt, but I wouldn't be able to sleep at night for saying it around children. I took a few deep breaths and sat in the taxi, trying to keep my head from exploding. The eight kids and Mister Galavan got in after me, and we were off to the old chalet.

After a ten minute car trip, I learned that our chalet, Miss Quinzel's lodge, and Miss St. Cloud's villa were right next to each other. Along the edge of the mountain, our three houses were directly next to each other, with nothing else even close to them.

We got out of the taxi, and Miss St. Cloud turned to Master Bruce. "Come on, Bruce. Show me around your chalet."

Master Bruce blushed a bit, and led her into the front door of our chalet. Miss Quinzel ran excitedly into her lodge, and I got our luggage out. After giving Mister Galavan his luggage, I brought everything else into the Wayne's chalet. I found Richard sleeping in the sink, and all the kids dumping their stuff on a bed.

"No, absolutely not!" I yelled. "You kids came here with Miss Quinzel, so you're staying at her lodge."

Miss Kyle shrugged. "Well, Silver wanted to sleep in Bruce's room tonight, so of course, I have to be there."

"And Silver's there, so I also have to be there." Mister Kerr said.

"If Mister J's there, I'm coming too!" Miss Quinzel said.

"If everyone else is there, I am too." Miss Pepper said.

Mister Crane just shrugged. "And I just want to see this chaos unfold."

I sighed. "Well, where do you suppose I'm going to sleep?"

"The Quinzel's lodge is available now." Miss Pepper said.

Miss St. Cloud sighed, picking up her luggage. "I've got to go put all this stuff in my uncle's villa. See you later, Bruce." she waved and smiled, making him look down at the ground with a smirk. She then left with her luggage.

Miss Kyle sighed. "Don't you find it weird that Theo didn't want us to come? It's almost like he wanted to get Bruce and Silver together alone."

"He didn't want you to come because he knew _this_ would happen." I growled.

"Whatever, there's something weird about that guy." Miss Kyle said.

Mister Crane hissed. "There's death in his eyes. I can see it."

I ignored him. I unloaded my luggage and got ready for bed. Knowing the kids, it was going to be a long day tomorrow.


	54. The SilverBat Trilogy (Part Two)

**Part two! Just to recap, the gang is in Switzerland. Silver and Theo are also in the Alps, and Alfred is not happy with eighty percent of the people that came.**

 _"_ _Where's Alfred?" Cat asked, running into the manor with the other kids, but then noticed the mess. "Oh, this is bad."_

Dear Diary,

Day two of our vacation to Switzerland. The jet lag made me tired, also because I was sleeping in the lodge next to the chalet the kids were in. There was kicking, thumping, the occasional screaming, and a bunch of commotion to keep me up at night. At one point, I was forced to get up and quiet them down. I was treated to the sight of Miss Kyle lapping milk up from the sink, Richard crying, Miss St. Cloud crying and hugging Master Bruce for comfort, and Mister Kerr on the ground being repeatedly kicked by Miss Quinzel. Every kick made him laugh hysterically, and Mister Crane said, "What did I tell you? Hilarious."

The next morning, I met the kids and Mister Galavan outside for some fresh air.

"Hey," Mister Galavan said. "You kids are new to the Alps, right? Why don't I take you all on a tour of this country?"

The kids nodded excitedly, but Mister Kerr shook his head. "You guys go ahead. There are some things I want to do."

"I'm staying with you, Puddin'." Miss Quinzel smiled.

Mister Galavan nodded. "As you wish. I'll call us a taxi."

Master Bruce was about to go when Miss St. Cloud held him back. "Bruce, we have to stay. There's paperwork."

When Mister Galavan came back with a taxi, Miss Pepper, Mister Crane, Miss Kyle, and Richard went in and drove off to town, waving back at us. I went into our chalet to my old room to see if the kids had done anything wrong, when there was a thudding in the bathroom. I knocked on the bathroom door, and Master Bruce's voice said, "Alfred, is that you?"

"Yes, Master Bruce. What's wrong?"

"I can't open the door. Is it locked?"

I grabbed the doorknob and jiggled it, and the knob fell off the door. It made no sense. The chalet was in perfect shape. Nothing had ever broken apart before. "I'll find a way to get you out, Master Bruce."

Master Bruce sighed. "Well, I guess we're stuck in here."

"Wait, who's in there with you?"

Miss St. Cloud's voice said, "Hi, Alfred."

"Wait a second, what were you two doing in a bathroom together in the first place?"

"I was trying to show Bruce a spider I saw." Miss St. Cloud said. "I guess we got locked in."

"Did someone say locked in?" Mister Kerr slid across the floor to my side, followed by Miss Quinzel. "We gonna build another bomb?"

I growled. "We're not building another bomb! Master Bruce is locked in there with Miss St. Cloud."

Mister Kerr punched the door and yelled, "Bruce, dude, keep your hands off my bitch or I swear to god I'm gonna take a shovel and-"

"Can you just please get us out of here?" Master Bruce asked.

Mister Kerr sighed. "Well, the bomb option is out. Let's try unscrewing the door."

"Do you have a screwdriver?" I asked.

"Let's not unscrew the door." Mister Kerr said. "I'll go get some food to slide under there." He and Miss Quinzel left, and I had no idea what food they were going to bring back.

They were in there for a few hours. Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel slid a few magazines under the door with a slice of pizza and put their ears on the door, listening to what was going on inside. My curiosity finally piqued after a while, and I asked what they were saying behind the door.

"Bruce is saying..." Mister Kerr said. "Bruce is saying... he needs to pee."

Miss Quinzel followed up, "And Silver is saying... she won't look."

I went off to get myself some coffee. Moments after, a taxi pulled up next to the lodge, and the other kids jumped out with bags of souvenirs. Miss Kyle pushed Richard's new baby stroller, of course with pictures of kittens on it. She stopped at the front of the chalet and asked, "Where's Bruce?"

I told her what had happened. She cracked her neck and grinned, making her way towards the house. She grabbed onto a log on the wall and climbed up the wall to the ceiling, then crawled through a duct into the house. A few minutes after, there was a rustling inside, and the bathroom door opened. Miss Kyle, Master Bruce, and Miss St. Cloud came out.

"How did you crawl into the bathroom?" Miss Pepper asked.

Miss Kyle shrugged. "It's not like I didn't have practise."

Miss St. Cloud gave her thanks and went back to her villa. Master Bruce, meanwhile, was blushing intensely and kept his eyes on the ground, heading straight to his bedroom.

"What's wrong with him?" Miss Kyle asked. She turned to me. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything." I said.

"That's not surprising."

"Yeah." Mister Crane said. "The only other person that's made him blush like that is you."

Miss Kyle shrugged, and went to go organize her souvenirs. I went to drink some coffee and talk with Mister Galavan. I drank and talked with him until the sun went down, and he seemed like a perfectly charming fellow. He went back to his villa after a while to get some rest, and that's when Miss Pepper and Mister Crane came down and sat at the table to talk to me.

"What's wrong this time?" I asked.

"Cut the chit-chat." Miss Pepper said. "While they were in the bathroom, Silver kissed Bruce. Bruce told us and said not to tell anyone else."

"He kissed her?"

"She kissed him." Mister Crane said. "And he told us not to tell Cat, because she would most retaliate in a violent and hilarious way. And Jack too, and Harley can't keep anything from Jack, so his options were limited. He also said not to tell you, but... oops."

I nodded. "Okay, so why are you telling me?"

Miss Pepper got in close and whispered, "Before we left, the magic Elf Man left the car to go to the bathroom in this house. I think he broke the lock. I think he wants Bruce and Silver together for some reason."

"So do I." I said. "Why is this important?"

"I see death in his eyes." Mister Crane said. "Galavan lusts for blood, and power and revenge. I can see it."

"Just go to bed, you two." I growled, getting up to go to bed myself. They sighed and returned to the bedroom, while I had to get to the lodge. On my way though, I walked past a room where Mister Galavan was. He was talking on the phone, saying, "Yes, phase two is complete. They definitely like each other, the boy just needs a push. Yes, our final phase is almost underway. I will talk to you soon, Professor Strange."

Miss Pepper came back down and said, "Also, Bruce peed in front of Silver. I wasn't supposed to say that either."


	55. The SilverBat Trilogy (Part Three)

Dear Diary,

The kids woke up bright and early this morning and went over to Miss St. Cloud's villa to visit. I thought I'd pay a visit to Mister Galavan. He seemed upset, and I had to ask what was bothering him.

"It's the legal payment of our houses. Thomas Wayne and I were friends, and I forgot about the deal we made. We said that the houses would be paved over if not owned by an heir of both of our bloodlines." He said, reading off a sheet.

"So... what does that mean?" I asked.

Mister Galavan sighed. "If we want to keep the houses, Bruce and Silver must be married immediately."

Miss Kyle choked on what I refused to believe was a hairball, and Miss Quinzel jumped with glee. "Yahtzee! I love weddings!"

"Master Bruce isn't old enough to be married yet, is he?" I asked.

Mister Galavan sighed. "I've looked into it. Since they are Gotham citizens, and Gotham's department of marriage is composed solely of a drunk man with one arm and his bitter wife, it is in fact possible. However, their marriage would only be official in Switzerland. Once they get back to Gotham, they'll be able to grow up completely normally like nothing happened."

Miss St. Cloud and Master Bruce stared at each other for a few moments, and Mister Galavan said, "Perhaps we should give them a moment to talk it over."

Miss Kyle said, "Well, if Bruce is there, I'm there."

Mister Kerr said, "If Silver's there, I'm there."

Miss Quinzel said, "If Mister J's there, I'm there."

Miss Pepper said, "If everyone else is there, I'm-"

"THEY'RE TALKING IT OVER ALONE!" I yelled, making the kids shrug and head off to their respective rooms. An hour after, while the houses were completely silent and the kids were shamelessly eavesdropping on Master Bruce and Miss St. Cloud, their ears against the door, the two finally made their decision. Master Bruce opened the door, making the eavesdropping kids trip down a flight of stairs and land on the ground with pained moans.

"We'll do it." Master Bruce said. "I'll marry Silver."

It was eerie how fast Mister Galavan could set up a wedding in town. Master Bruce chose me as his best man, and Mister Kerr volunteered as Miss St. Cloud's. Miss Kyle, not at all happy with the arrangement, was thinking up creative ways to sabotage it.

An hour before, Master Bruce was nowhere to be found. I started to look for him and found him in the living room of our chalet with Mister Kerr and Mister Crane, empty cans of root beer on the floor and Mister Kerr in the middle of a story. "So, I throw the damn sandwich at Harley and I say, 'When I said no mushrooms, did you listen, or did the blonde hair dye seep into your skull and fry your brain?' and so Harley gives the mushrooms to Ivy, and Ivy tells me that the mushrooms called me a stupid bag of dirt! Ha! So then I ate the stupid mushrooms, so I win!"

Mister Crane asked, "If you ate the mushrooms in the end, didn't Harley win?"

"Oh, crap."

I walked in. "What is this?" I asked.

"It's a bachelor party!" Mister Kerr exclaimed. "Bruce is getting married!"

"It's not an official marriage." I said. "It'll be void as soon as he leaves Switzerland."

"Don't cramp our style, Old Man."

Master Bruce asked me, "Have you seen Selina? I'm worried she's upset about this. I can't find her."

I sighed. "If I know Miss Kyle, she's probably off doing something meaningless and stupid. I'll go look for the girls."

I closed the door so the boys could chug down their tenth can of root beer, and went off to find the girls. I checked the Galavan's villa, and I found them in the bedroom, fitting Miss St. Cloud in a wedding dress. Miss Quinzel was adjusting the bodice, and Miss Pepper was fixing the long silver veil.

"You look beautiful, darlin'." Miss Quinzel said with a smile.

"Yeah." Miss Pepper said. "Bruce is going to have a hard time standing straight up during this thing."

Miss St. Cloud gave her a confused look, and shrugged. "Thanks, guys. I really appreciate you helping me like this. You're real friends."

"I'm doing this so Cat can wreck it. Where is she?"

I stepped in and said, "According to Master Bruce, she's been gone all day."

"Oh well, she'll come around. Let's get Silver to the wedding!"

An hour after, I met Mister Galavan. He said the kids were taking a separate taxi, and he still never found Miss Kyle. I got into a taxi with him and drove off into town, where Galavan had paid for a wedding full of people. Half of them thought the invitation was kidding about two fourteen-year-olds being married, and the other half were stupid. I sat in the row and waited for it to start. After a while, a priest stepped out with Master Bruce in a suit and tie.

"Friends, family, we are-" the priest started, until Master Bruce whispered, "I actually don't know any of these people."

The priest sighed and started again. "Random people Bruce doesn't know, we are gathered here today to witness the eternal bonding of Bruce Thaddeus Rutherford Augustus Lucille Wayne, and Silver Galavan- St. Cloud."

A door behind us opened, and I turned back to see the band playing, and Miss St. Cloud walking down the aisle in a beautiful white dress and veil, Miss Quinzel holding it up for her. Miss Pepper threw flower petals behind her, and then noticed one of the guests stepping on a petal. She screamed, "How do you like it?!" and stomped on their foot, and continued throwing flower petals.

Miss St. Cloud stopped in front of Master Bruce, the two facing each other. Miss Quinzel started to cry with tears of joy.

"Does anyone object to this holy marriage?" The priest asked, and I yelled, "No, don't ask that!"

"Why?" he asked.

"Every time a priest asks that, someone ruins the wedding."

"Well, I'm sure that won't happen this time. Does anyone object to this marriage?"

"I do!" a voice said, and I slapped my forehead. Miss Kyle was piggy-backing on a man in a suit, giggling and riding him into the hall. "Listen to what this guy has to say!"

The man in the suit put Miss Kyle down and said, "It is under law in Switzerland that a house cannot be paved until its residents are inactive for at least five years."

"Yep!" Miss Kyle grinned. "And you've only been gone for four and a half years! Now, we reset the date, and your houses are safe for five years. Now you don't have to get married to Baby McFakeblonde!"

There were some loud mixed responses to this, and Master Bruce was hugged by Miss Kyle. Miss St. Cloud smiled at Master Bruce and went to go see her uncle. I sighed, and Mister Crane sat down beside me to ask, "Are we going to go back to Gotham now?"

We packed out bags and said goodbye to the chalet, lodge, and villa, and prepared to head off to the airport. The kids had all their souvenirs, and Richard was in a new Swiss baby seat, and we were all ready to go. On the way to the airport, though, I overheard a conversation on the phone by Mister Galavan.

"Yes, Professor Strange. Things are going well. But that Cat girl ruined my plans. We'll have to take care of her before we proceed with our plan. Soon, Gotham will be ours."


	56. Diaries of Everyone Else: Halloween

**I know it's not Halloween for everybody, and some of you don't even celebrate that. But according to the traffic stats on this story, it's Halloween for ninety percent of you, so I felt I should write this. Happy Halloween, and to all a good night!**

Dear Diary,

On tonight, Halloween, I stayed at home to hand out candy while the kids went out. All of them were arrested later that night, and none of them would confess. So I had them write down their confessions and staples them to my diary. I did read them a bit, and it made me very embarrassed.

 **Bruce's Diary**

Dear Diary,

It was Halloween tonight. Selina seemed very excited to go trick-or-treating, but I'd never done it before. Selina seemed very upset that I had never gone trick-or-treating before, and decided to take me out at once. According to her, we wore costumes and went house to house asking for candy. Selina wore a beautiful black cat suit that hugged her body to perfection and a pair of cat ears on her head. She gave me some kind of cowl with bat ears on it and a suit with a cape and a bat on the chest. I asked her why I was a bat, and she just kissed me and left to get candy bags.

We left the house once the sun went down and we got our candy bags to go around the streets. I looked over at Selina's bag and saw it was half full of papers and a knife.

"Why do you have those?" I asked.

Selina smirked. "Trick-or-treating in Gotham is a little... rougher than most cities. Here, watch." She turned around a corner and stood on a doorstep, knocking on the door. I watched as Detective Bullock opened the door and scowled.

"Get off my doorstep, you mangy cat." And he closed the door in her face. Her sad face broke my heart, and I tried to give her a hug. Nope, instead, she pulled out a sheet of paper from her bag and showed me the scary face she had drawn on it with incredible detail. She held it up close to the peep-hole in the door and rang the doorbell.

"Who is it this time?" Detective Bullock yelled through the door.

Selina grinned and used a deep voice to yell, "Look through your peep-hole!"

There were footsteps from inside, and they stopped when Detective Bullock looked through the hole. There was a loud scream and the sound of him falling on the floor when he saw the picture, and I followed Selina as she ran away giggling. Behind her, Detective Bullock yelled, "Damn, I hate Halloween!"

 **Selina's Diary**

Dear Diayeah, I'm not writing that.

So, basically, Kiddo has never gone trick-or-treating, because he's rich enough to buy all the candy in the city or something like that. Well, if a child grows up without ever going trick-or-treating, he's going to grow up bitter and angry and candy-less, so I'm taking him out.

So, we hit a few houses and did some things, and for the grand finale of the night, we were going to go to a Halloween party at the GCPD. We walked there and into the precinct to find the cops drinking and partying. Detective Gordon was dressed in his normal suit. Detective Bullock was dressed as Nygma, wearing a skinny green suit and nerdy glasses, pretending to talk to himself. Ed was dressed as Bullock, wearing a big suit, fedora, fake beard and wig, and the cincher...? A bag of empty beer cans.

Captain Barnes, dressed in a bald vampire costume, (Or maybe he was always bald and had blood in his teeth.) stood on a desk and yelled, "HERE'S TO THE GCPD HALLOWEEN PARTY. I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST."

The cops raised their glasses, and I just couldn't resist. I jumped up and grabbed the microphone, and started my spiel.

"Hello, cops! My name is Cat! I'd like to propose a toast to Captain Barnes. Forget Halloween, he looks like an egg everyday! That's dedication."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, LITTLE GIRL?"

"Oh, and let's not forget Ed! I mean, the Bullock costume is good. What would make it great? The smell of loneliness and alcohol, and a mustard stain on the shirt! And Jim? I'm guessing you're dressed as Alfred. You're wearing a suit, so... probably. But if you really want to be Alfred, you've got to learn his yelling."

Jim screamed, "Selina, get off of there!"

"Nice, but a little more from the belly.

And then I was arrested.

 **Ivy's Diary**

Dear Diary,

I hate everyone. I hate mankind. I want everyone to die. I was handing out candy, but Jonny warned me that he experimented with his toxin on the candy. His experiments never worked, so it was probably safe. Except Bullock came by a little later and stole some of our candy. I told him he couldn't take it, he ate it in front of us, and he started punching the air and screaming, "NO, JIM! NOT MORE OVERTIME WORK! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! NO MORE OVERTIME, PLEASE! I HATE HALLOWEEEN!"

 **Jonny's Diary**

Dear Diary,

Ivy was handing out candy. I thought we should make it more fun.

First, the kids arrived, and we opened the door and just stared at them for a long time until they ran away scared.

Then, I just answered the door and said, "This is all a dream, an illusion your mind created to escape the horrible trauma you are going through in your real life. Enjoy today. Tomorrow, you wake up in your actual life, in more pain and trauma than you can possibly imagine." And they ran away.

Then, Ivy dressed as a French waitress and handed the trick-or treaters a fancy menu of chocolates while I asked to seat them at a table. They ran away.

Finally, we decided on something simpler and just dumped water on the trick-or-treater. Unfortunately, it was Bullock, and we were arrested. He dragged us to jail grumbling, "I hate Halloween."

 **Harley's Diary**

Dear Diary,

Mr. J and I were going to a Halloween party at the Galavan place! He dressed up like an evil clown, and I dressed up in a black and red harlequin halter-top bodice and a clown hat.

"Oh, Harley." Mr. J said. "Nice slutty clown costume. Get in the Jokermobile, we're going."

Cat yelled down from upstairs, "CATMOBILE!"

"It's the Jokermobile." Mr. J whispered, and got into the car with me. He drove us. He's fourteen, that's old enough to drive I think. Poor Bruce was going to have to buy another car tomorrow, but he's loaded. Anyway, we went to the party, came up the elevator, and arrived at the bustling party, where Mr. J ran off somewhere. I chased after him, and found him taking a picture with Silver, dressed as a slutty... well, that's it. She was dressed as a slutty slut. Mr. J brushed dirt off her white miniskirt and kissed her cheek. She didn't seem happy about that.

The nerve of the girl! Who couldn't love my Puddin'? Well, it was time for Harley to step in.

"Hi, Silver!" I said. "Nice slut costume."

She grinned and did a little fake shy thing with her skirt. "You think it's too showy?"

"I think you were supposed to be at a men's club, but they screwed up your bus ticket and you ended up here."

"Oh, maybe I should go change my-"

"No!" Mr. J yelled, his arm around Silver's waist. "Silver looks beautiful. Harley, go get drunk or something. Silver and I need a moment."

Well, that just wasn't going to work. I picked up a glass of punch and got ready to splash it right at her giant freaking slutty boob crack, but then Detective Bullock walked in front of me. He got some punch in the face, took Mr. J, Silver, and I to jail, and yelled, "Damn, I HATE HALLOWEEN!"

 **Jack's Diary**

Basically, stuff happened, I was thrown in jail with Harley, Silver, Bruce, Cat, Ivy, and Jonny. Then Alfred had to come bail us out. He seemed angry, yelling something like. "I don't... how did... how did all of you get arrested on the same night?!"

Then, Bullock came by and grinned, "I'm starting to like Halloween."

 **Author's note- none of these antics should be recreated on Halloween night. None of these characters would be a good role model.**


	57. The Scarecrow Formula

_Cat shooed everyone that wasn't supposed to be in the house out the door, and she and Bruce stared out the window, seeing Alfred's car come up on the driveway. With a nervous fake grin, she stood in the hallway and opened the door. Then, she realized she was still holding the diary._

Dear Diary,

This morning, I woke up and found Miss Kyle at the dinner table. She was wearing an apron and a white miniskirt, standing behind seven plates of eggs and sausages all ready for us. She handed me a glass of wine, my favorite brand that I thought had been discontinued.

"Good morning, Alfred." She smiled. "It's not a busy day today, so just lie back and enjoy the break!"

"Thank you, Miss Kyle." I said. "Any word on Master Bruce and Mister Kerr?"

When I said that, the two boys came down the stairs, dressed in business suits and holding their briefcases. Master Bruce waved to me and said, "I'm afraid I don't have time for breakfast. I have to get to the lab. Being a brain surgeon is hard work."

"Same here." Mister Kerr said. "I think I'm on the verge of a breakthrough at the lab. I've almost found a cure for all human diseases!"

I waved goodbye and the two boys left out the front door. After, Miss Quinzel and Miss Pepper came down the stairs and headed off to their jobs as engineers, building a new home for orphans. After that, the doorbell rang and Miss Kyle went to get the door. It was Detective Gordon. He came in and walked up to me.

"Hi, Alfred. I thought that since Gotham is essentially crime-free and I have nothing to do, we could go out to get drinks with Theo Galavan." He said.

"That would be lovely." I smiled. I clapped my hands, letting my butler know to get my coat.

Detective Gordon and I drove off to the Galavan's apartment, and we came up the elevator to see Theo. He was waiting for us with a bottle of wine and a DVD set of Girl Meets World season three. We lied back and wasted the entire afternoon.

After a few hours, the elevator opened and Master Bruce came up and put his briefcase on the table. "I'm back! Where's my dear wife?"

"Oh, honey, you're home!" Miss St. Cloud ran downstairs and wrapped her arms around Master Bruce. He gave her a quick kiss and went to the kitchen to get dinner. They were such a darling couple.

I smiled at Mister Galavan, "Isn't my life amazing?"

"Yes, it is." Mister Galavan grinned.

Master Bruce and Miss St. Cloud came back into the living room in ball dancing clothes, and Miss St. Cloud said, "Come on, Bruce. We're late for our ball dancing class!" and the two of them ran in the elevator, laughing and kissing.

Life was amazing. I should learn to stop saying that.

There was a cracking noise as an egg landed on the window, splattering its contents all over the glass. I ran over to see what it was, and I saw Miss Quinzel and Mister Kerr. Mister Kerr was holding an egg launcher in the shape of a bazooka. I apologized to Mister Galavan and ran into the elevator to get downstairs and give those two what for.

"Hey, what are you two doing?!" I yelled, running to grab the egg launcher.

Mister Kerr sneered, "You're not the boss of us, Old Man!" and burst into laughter.

I heard footsteps behind me and I turned around to see Miss Kyle and Master Bruce, both all dressed in skimpy black clothes and wearing eyeliner, making out with each other on the roof of Mister Galavan's car. I ran to drag him off of her, but Detective Gordon crept up behind me and put a pair of handcuffs on me.

"Alfred Pennyworth?" Detective Gordon said. "You're being arrested for child abuse. I would read you your rights, but this is Gotham. You have none."

"What are you talking about?"

Master Bruce got off Miss Kyle, leaving her moaning and panting on the roof of the car, and whispered to me, "I told him you don't feed me." He laughed and turned back to Miss Kyle. "Come on, Cat! Let's go throw water balloons at hobos and burn down houses!"

Miss Kyle jumped off the car, grabbed a pack of matches and a can of gasoline, and followed Master Bruce, laughing and running off towards the city, but collapsing on the street halfway to make out with each other.

"Master Bruce!" I screamed. "Get your ass back here this instant or I swear, I am going to-"

"Yeah, yeah, tell it to the compound." Detective Gordon growled, dragging me off to prison. He threw me in a car and drove off to Arkham Asylum.

I was tossed in a cell with the other criminals, Balloonman, Dr. Marks, and Electrocutioner. As I looked around the prison, I saw a sign that said, "GOTHAM OFFERING TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR REWARD FOR CAPTURE OF MOST WANTED CONVICT: BRUCE WAYNE." I picked up a newspaper up off the floor and it read, "After being influenced by Selina Kyle, Bruce Wayne was thrown into a life of crime, and has since committed fifty-two counts of murder, theft, and bribery."

There was a scream down the hall, and some cops dragged Master Bruce through the asylum. He was strapped to a gurney wearing a straitjacket, screaming, "I'll get out of here! I'm going to kill you all! HA AHAAAA HAAAA!"

Then, out of nowhere, a shimmering light came down from the roof. The light landed in front of me and twisted itself until it took the form of the ghost of Thomas Wayne.

"Alfred." Thomas Wayne's ghost said. "I have terrible news."

"Why have you come here, Ghost of Thomas Wayne?"

"I just have to tell you... I discontinued your raise three years ago. You've been working for minimum wage all this time."

With a huge scream, I woke up, jolting up in my place, sweating and panting. I looked around. I was in my bedroom. It was dark, and I was lying on the ground. Five other kids and Richard were on the ground beside me, knocked out, writhing and murmuring with their nightmares.

"Bats... they're everywhere! Get them off!" Master Bruce murmured, waving his arms weakly in his sleep.

"No... no... NO! The lawnmowers are everywhere! Please, get away!" Miss Pepper groaned, rolling all over the floor, her face contorted in fear.

"No, Harley! I'm not making you a sandwich! Leave me alone! Stop being so mean!" Mister Kerr whimpered, swatting at the air.

I looked around and wondered if there was a gas leak that made us all pass out. Then, my eyes landed in the corner and found a can of Mister Crane's fear gas with a hole in the side, the gas leaking out.

I ran downstairs to find Mister Crane, and he was in the kitchen pouring himself some apple juice.

"Oi, Mister Crane!" I yelled. "Your insane fear gas is leaking upstairs and all your friends are knocked out and having nightmares. Do you have anything to say?"

He sighed. "Jack thought it was helium, and wanted to blow up some balloons to show everyone. I left, he poked a hole in it, you can guess what happened."

"You knew he was poking a hole in a fear gas canister and you didn't say anything?"

"Should I have said something?"

 **This was largely influenced by a comic called Gothtopia, a big BatCat adventure that's amazing. If you're a fan of BatCat, Scarecrow, Poison Ivy, or Harley Quinn, I highly recommend it. Mainly, it's a Scarecrow story.**


	58. Alfred Returns to Gotham

_"_ _Quick!" Cat said, throwing the diary into Bruce's hands. "Go upstairs and put this back where we found it! I'll stall the butler!"_

 _Bruce grabbed the diary and ran up the stairs as fast as he could, right out of sight and mind when Alfred came through the door._

 _"_ _Why are you doing that?" he asked, dropping his bags on the ground sceptically._

 _Cat shrugged, "Doing what?"_

 _"_ _Standing at the door and smiling suspiciously."_

 _"_ _Ugh, god, Alfred. You always think I look suspicious. I need to introduce you to some of my friends."_

 _Alfred sighed and looked around the house, seeing everything seemingly in order. "Where are Mister Nygma and Master Bruce?"_

 _"_ _Ed's out getting groceries and Bruce is upstairs. Can I get you some tea?"_

 _Alfred was tempted to use the interrogation skills he learned in the air force to find out what was going on, but he resisted the urge. "Yeah, get comfortable, you cheeky bugger. I'm only here to pick up some things from the manor, I'll be on the bus back to Metropolis as soon as I'm done."_

 _Cat resisted jumping for joy when Alfred walked towards her, and she held her hands out in defence. "Whoa, what are you doing?"_

 _"_ _I'm going to my bedroom. I need to get some things."_

Oh, this is bad. This is very, very, bad. _Cat thought. "I'll get them for you! You must be so tired."_

 _"_ _Alright, you dodgy nutter, what is your game?" Alfred glared._

 _Cat sighed. "You know what? Someday you have to buy me a British dictionary so I know what you're saying when you insult me in British."_

 _Alfred ignored her and proceeded back up to his bedroom, up the stairs, when Cat knew what her last resort was. With as much heart as she possibly had, she screamed, "Bruce is touching himself!"_

 _Alfred stopped in his tracks, turned on his heel, his face frozen, and asked, "What did you say?"_

 _Cat shrugged. "I tried to tell him, but he's upstairs in his bedroom with a bunch of Playboy magazines on his bed, and... we should give him his privacy."_

 _Alfred sighed, sauntering back down the stairs and growling, "I'm getting myself a pint. And if you're keeping up the nice act, an egg would be nice."_

 _"_ _Boiled, or scrambled?"_

 _"_ _Don't pretend you know how to make either of those." Alfred walked down the hall and disappeared down the corner. Cat took a deep breath and sighed in relief as she heard footsteps behind her and turned back to see Bruce coming back down the stairs._

 _"_ _Okay, I hid the diary exactly where we found it." he smiled._

 _Cat gave him a quick kiss, "Good job, kiddo. Also, if Alfred asks to talk to you alone, just run."_

 _Bruce stood still, confused, and Selina went to lie down on the couch._

 _An hour later, Alfred had filled his suitcase with everything he needed for another week in Metropolis, and was ready to head out the door. Bruce and Cat stood at the door, ready to wave goodbye to the butler._

 _"_ _Be good now." Alfred warned Cat. "If I come back and find any of your grotty antics gone awry, I'm keel-hauling you back to the streets, you understand?"_

 _Cat nodded. "Please buy me a British dictionary, because I understood none of that."_

 _Alfred sighed, picking up his bags. "Goodbye, Master Bruce. I'll see you in a week."_

 _"_ _Goodbye, Alfred." Bruce smiled, and Alfred left out the door._

 _Unfortunately, right before he could get in the taxi, Ed walked by and waved to him, saying, "Alfred, you're back! Hey, remember the time when the kids wrecked the new bathroom you installed? You have no luck, bro."_

 _Ed walked into the mansion and disappeared into the kitchen, while Alfred turned to stare at the kids. "How does he know about that?"_

 _"_ _Bye, Alfred!" Cat yelled. "Have fun in Metropolis!" Then, she closed the door, locking it and staring at Bruce, panicking a bit. The panic subsided. "Want to go show Penguin?"_

 _Bruce nodded excitedly, and the two kids ran up to Alfred's room to get the diary, leaving Ed to talk to his imaginary friend, Evil Ed, in the kitchen._

 _"_ _I want some milk."_

 _"_ _Milk is for pussies, where's the scotch?"_

 _"_ _I don't drink."_

 _"_ _You do now, shut up."_

 _"_ _You're so weird."_

 _"_ _I'm not the one talking to my imaginary friend, now grab a glass!"_

 **More Alfred and Kids adventures coming soon!**


	59. Pepper, Crane, and Grayson, PI

_Cat stared at Alfred driving off into the sunset, and ran up the stairs to his bedroom with glee. Bruce followed closely. Who knows what the girl could do in Alfred's room. But when he came up the stairs, he found Cat uselessly pounding on the bedroom door, whining and kicking._

 _"_ _Bruce?" Cat said. "I'm afraid Alfred has locked his bedroom before he left."_

 _"_ _So what are we going to do?"_

 _"_ _What we're going to do, dear Brucey, involves fertilizer, some wire, and a few milk jugs."_

Dear Diary,

This morning, Miss Kyle stormed down the stairs while the other kids were at breakfast. I turned to see what she was mad about, and she turned to reveal her curly hair had been dyed pink. She looked up at me and scrunched up her face.

"What's with her face?" I asked the kids.

Master Bruce shrugged. "That's her thinking face. It means she's thinking about something."

Miss Kyle's thinking face slowly subsided into a mischievous grin, and she disappeared back up the stairs. A few hours after the kids had finished breakfast, I started cleaning the plates when Miss Kyle and Master Bruce came down the stairs.

"Alfred, can we go out?" Master Bruce asked. "Me, Cat, Harley, Jack, and Silver are going to the park."

"Sure, don't be more than an hour." I said. "I'll have someone drive Miss St. Cloud over."

I called the Galavans, and Theo drove Miss St. Cloud to the manor. The five kids packed a lunch and some money and started walking off to the park, leaving me at home with Miss Pepper, Mister Crane, and Richard. Of course, I could never have one normal day.

A few minutes after that, Miss Pepper and Mister Crane came down the stairs, Miss Pepper holding Richard.

"Alfred, drive us to Silver's house." Miss Pepper said.

That couldn't lead to anything good. "Why?"

Miss Pepper sighed. "Silver dyed Cat's hair pink. We're going investigating to see what's up with her."

"So, you're going to break into the Galavan's manor with a baby, and you expect me to agree?"

Mister Crane held up a silver key with a heart painted on it. "Silver gave this to Bruce a week ago. He keeps it in a box behind the counter with the other presents from Silver that he can't tell Cat about. But there's a lot of presents in there. It also explains why whenever Jack goes near the bathroom counter, he says, 'It smells like Silver.'"

At first, I was going to kick them out of my kitchen. Then, I remembered that Master Bruce had a friend who was a girl when he was six. His father conducted background checks on the girl's parents and snooped through the girl's room to see if there were any weapons. Whether he did it jokingly or not, I'll never know, but it wasn't a bad idea.

I started the car, the kids got in and strapped Richard to a baby seat, and we were off. Miss Pepper claimed that Mister Galavan and his sister were off at a business meeting all day. When we arrived at the mansion, Miss Pepper grabbed Richard and ran off inside. Mister Crane followed, and of course I had to run after them.

We went up the elevator and came up on the top floor of the apartment, seeing a living room. Miss Pepper and Mister Crane immediately ran off exploring, and I went after the one holding the baby.

Miss Pepper barged into Miss St. Cloud's bedroom. The walls, floor, and bed were completely white, and the closet was filled with sparkling white dresses.

"Miss Pepper, what do you think you're doing?" I asked, as she put Richard down on the bed and jumped down to look under the bed. What she pulled out was a poster of newspaper clippings and photos of Master Bruce.

"Cat's the one you don't like? 'Cause even Cat doesn't have a Bruce fetish poster under her bed." she smirked, putting the poster back and prodding the walls. "Keep pushing on the shelves. We might find Bruce's boxers and bodywash somewhere."

"Miss St. Cloud probably just wanted to know more about Master Bruce."

"And I like Jonny, but do I have a poster with pictures of him and a map of his house?"

"Do you?"

"No, I don't. Now keep looking. Maybe she has a secret door, or-"

We heard rustling downstairs, and froze when the front door downstairs opened. Miss St. Cloud's muffled voice said, "I just have to get one thing, I'll be right back."

Miss Pepper mouthed, "Hide!" and slid under the bed. I grabbed Richard off the bed and jumped in the closet, closing it in front of me. I saw the room through a vent in the dark closet, and it looked fairly inconspicuous.

Miss St. Cloud and Master Bruce walked into her bedroom, and Miss St. Cloud closed the bedroom door.

"Thanks for helping me find my coat, Bruce." Miss St. Cloud smiled.

"No problem." Master Bruce said. "Do you remember where you left it?"

Miss St. Cloud sighed and sat down on her bed, putting her legs up and stretching her arms. "Ummm... You know what? Forget the coat. I mean, we're alone here together. I mean, I just thought that... maybe we could-"

A lightning bolt shot through my spine as Richard started crying in my arms. I rocked him back and forth and put my hand over his mouth, but Miss St. Cloud's head darted towards her closet.

"Did you hear that?" Miss St. Cloud asked.

Thankfully, Master Bruce knew the plan. "Umm, that was me. Yeah, I get really nervous when I'm around pretty girls."

"You think I'm pretty?"

"Uhhh... I mean- No, I didn't mean... uhhh-"

For the first time in probably the history of forever, Miss Kyle saved the day. Her voice from downstairs yelled, "Hey, Bruce! Come down here! I'm wearing one of Silver's stupid dresses!"

Master Bruce opened the bedroom door and ran excitedly downstairs, while Miss St. Cloud sighed. Her cell phone rang, and she picked it up. "Hello? Yes, Uncle. The plan is proceeding. But that Selina girl is still an issue. Is Professor Strange still going to take her out? Yes. Yes, goodbye, Uncle."

She left the room, and I came out of the closet. Miss Pepper slid out from under the bed with a huge grin on her face. "Still think Silver's all nice and perfect for Bruce?"

"Sometimes you need context to perfectly understand a situation." I growled. "But... I'll help you investigate what this is. In the meantime, don't tell Master Bruce. He's got enough to worry about as it is."

Mister Crane came down the hall and into the bedroom holding a whip, handcuffs, knives, and a mini-chainsaw that would be put on one's hand. "I found Tabitha Galavan's bedroom. It was... disturbing. Like my mother's-old-bedtime-stories kind of disturbing." He then brushed past my shoulder and went to Miss St. Cloud's makeup table, where he picked up a half-used can of silver hair dye. "Tell Harley she owes me five bucks."

I sighed, "Let's get out of here." I wanted to get home. I wanted to get over Miss Kyle's 'I told you so' moment as soon as possible.


	60. Richard's First Day at School

Dear Diary,

This morning, I told Miss Pepper to give Richard his bottle and change his diapers. She had this strange maternal side, and Richard seemed to like her, so why not? Afterwards, though, Miss Kyle and Master Bruce ran down the stairs holding Richard and were about to go out the door when I stopped them.

"Where do you think you're going with Richard?" I asked.

Miss Kyle sighed. "Well, Bruce and I have to do a show-and-tell at school today. Yesterday, Jack and Silver brought in a live bomb, and we have to top that, so we're taking Richard."

I sighed. "A lot of people have babies, it won't be that impressive."

"I know." Miss Kyle said. "So we're going to tell people it's me and Bruce's baby."

I slapped my forehead, deciding not to argue.

"Besides, we already told Mr. Zeus we were bringing him, so we have to." Master Bruce said.

I sighed. "Fine. I'll drive you two. Get the others."

The six kids and Richard got into the car, and I drove off to the school. We arrived late, and I ran into class with the kids. I was not going to leave them alone with Richard. The kids went off to their separate classes, and I followed Miss Kyle and Master Bruce to Mr. Zeus' class. Miss Kyle burst in with Richard in her arms, making the class turn silent.

"Mr. Zeus, I'm here!" she yelled.

Mr. Zeus sighed tiredly. "Why do you have a baby with you?"

"It's me and Bruce's!"

"No it's not." I said. The class turned to me, and I shrunk back behind the door.

Miss Kyle ignored me. "His name is Richard. He has my eyes, but he has Bruce's butt. He's our show-and-tell assignment! Cute, right?"

Mr. Zeus sighed. "Normally, I would object to this. But after Jack and Silver's live bomb yesterday, my standards are so painfully low, I'll accept this. Selina, Bruce, please share."

Miss Kyle nodded and pulled Bruce to the front of the class with her free hand. She cleared her throat and said, "This is Richard. He sleeps a lot, and chews on things, but he's cute. Bruce, anything to say?"

Master Bruce brought his hand up to read what Miss Kyle had written on it. "My name is Bruce, Cat is my... girlfriend," at this point, his voice had gotten very quiet and he was blushing a bit. "And Richard is our baby. I buy him solid gold diaper pins because I am very, very rith."

"Rich." Miss Kyle whispered.

"You wrote rith." Master Bruce whispered back, showing her the writing on his hand.

Mr. Zeus just put up his hand and sighed, "Okay, if I gave you B's on every project from now on, will you promise to never be Bruce's partner ever again?"

Miss Kyle smirked. "Make it A- and you have a deal."

Mr. Zeus sighed. "Fine. Selina, A-. Bruce, I'm passing you because this was obviously not your idea."

The two nodded and went to go sit down, while I took Richard and started to go home. I was convinced nothing bad had happened, when Mister Kerr darted out of a door, grinned, "Hey, Alfred. I need Richard for a sec, kay?" took Richard, and disappeared back in the classroom.

I opened the door of the classroom and found Mister Kerr holding a fake knife to Richard's throat, the rest of the drama class slapping their foreheads.

"Jack, what are you doing?" Mister Elliot asked, the person doing the scene with him. "That's not what it says in the script."

Mister Kerr laughed. "You shall never best me, evil Montague! Now stay back, or your long-lost step-son will die at my hands!"

"Can you tell him to stick to the script?" Mister Elliot yelled to the teacher, Professor Strange.

Professor Strange took a long look at Mister Kerr, holding a baby at knifepoint, and smirked a bit. "You impress me, Mister Kerr. Never admit defeat, even in a scripted performance. Bravo. You could learn something from him, Mister Elliot."

Mister Elliot's mouth gaped open in shock as Mister Kerr laughed evilly, handing Richard back to me and pushing Mister Elliot onto the floor.

Miss Quinzel ran up and squealed, "Oh, I'm proud of you, Puddin'! You did great."

"I know. Now go get me some ice cream and buy yourself some damn perfume, moron."

Richard has had a long day, so I thought I would take him home. He was starting to fall asleep in my arms when the lunch bell rang and Miss Pepper ran out of the classroom, spotting me.

"Oh good." Miss Pepper said. "This is perfect. Give me the baby." Miss Pepper took Richard and ran down the hall, disappearing around the corner. I ran after her and swerved around the kids coming out of class to find Miss Pepper in the teacher's lounge, sitting next to Mister Crane. Mister Crane was on the floor holding a tin can, holding it up to the teachers and asking, "Any change for the homeless?"

Miss Pepper handed Richard to him and said, "Hold the baby. You'll look sadder."

Mister Crane held Richard and shook his tin can. "Any change?"

One of the teachers dropped a quarter in, and I grabbed the can away from him. There were two nickels, a button, and a half-eaten sandwich in it.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

Mister Crane sighed, "You dress me like a hobo. I'm taking advantage of it."

"You dress yourself! Besides, I bought you plenty of clothes, including the ones I wore as a child-"

"You wore those as a child? So that's why you're so lonely."

"ARGH!" I took Richard from Miss Pepper and prepared to take him home. A baby shouldn't be at school around the kids. I rocked Richard until he fell asleep, and walked him back to the car as gently as I could. Of course, as soon as I got back to the car, I realized that I didn't bring a baby seat, and I had no one to carry Richard while I was driving.

It wouldn't matter. I put him in the backseat and put a seatbelt on him and drove away back to the manor. I drove past the gate and made it onto the street when I bumped into Detective Bullock on the street. He waved at me, and I knew it would arouse suspicion if I didn't stop by. I pulled over and rolled down my window, praying he wouldn't see Richard in the back.

"Hey, what's up, Alfred." Bullock sneered.

"Hello, Detective Bullock."

"I have been here waiting for Jim for the last two hours. If I don't arrest someone soon, I'm going to explode. See anyone I can arrest?"

"Ummm... nope."

"It doesn't even have to be a big crime. Just a jaywalker or stealing mail or driving with a baby or something."

"Haven't seen any crime all day."

"Fine. You can go now."

I started the car and started to drive off again when Bullock was behind me and yelled at me to stop. He must have seen Richard through the window. I stopped and waited for him to run up to the window.

"There's a child on your car without the proper safety!" He yelled. I started to apologize when he dragged Mister Kerr in front of the window, who grinned bashfully at me.

Detective Bullock growled. "This kid was hanging off the back of your car! You have the right to remain silent! You have the right to an attorney!"

"But I had to escape! School is boring!" Mister Kerr whined.

I sighed, getting out of the car and getting my credit card to bail myself out. Bullock grabbed my arm and dragged myself and Mister Kerr back towards the precinct, where he walked past the limo window and noticed Richard giggling and sniffling in the back.

"Two kids?!" He exclaimed. "Scumbags like you don't get rights. You do not have the right to remain silent! You do not have the right to an attorney!"


	61. Lockdown with Professor Strange

_Bruce took in a deep breath after bringing a bag of fertilizer up from the basement. He saw Cat fixing some wires on the door. She smiled at him mischievously. "It's time."_

Dear Diary,

I followed the kids to school today and planned to stay there until next morning. Why? The school was having a lock-in to commemorate the mid-term ending. The kids were staying in the school all night to study for their exams, and I was going to stay with them because I barely trusted them to be at school alone during the day. Detective Gordon was taking care of Richard.

I waited in the office with the other parents and grabbed a coffee until the kids finished classes. I ran into a fellow parent who asked whose father I was. I told her about Master Bruce, Miss Kyle, Miss Quinzel and the rest, and she threw her coffee in my face, screaming, "Do you know what Jack did to my son?!"

After, I met the kids in the cafeteria; Miss Kyle, Mister Crane, and Miss Pepper. Miss Quinzel was gone, and Master Bruce had finished his midterm project. He was somewhere in the gym.

We went to the room assigned to us and sat down, waiting for the others to show up.

"Okay, are you going to start studying?" I asked.

The kids shook their heads. "We can't start until Jack is here."

"I'm here!" Mister Kerr smiled, waltzing in through the door and sitting down at the teacher's chair. "What's the happs?"

"Where were you?" I asked.

"Oh." Mister Kerr grinned, laughing a bit. "Funny story, so... Professor Strange called me into his office and told me that he had an evil plan and needed Cat dead or gone, and told me to get rid of her!"

"What did you say?" Miss Pepper asked.

Mister Kerr shrugged. "What? I'm not going to kill her! Jack Kerr doesn't kill his friends, which is basically the only reason Ivy is still alive. Anyway, he called me a waste of great evil potential and told me to give this doohickey to you guys." He held up a walky-talky.

Miss Kyle grabbed it and pressed the call button. Professor Strange's voice played, "I had such high hopes for you, Jack. We could've accomplished great things together, but now, I'm afraid this mentorship must end on a low note. You and your friends will bring me Selina Kyle, and in return, I will give you back Harleen Quinzel."

Then, we froze as Miss Quinzel's voice played on the walky-talky. "Hiya, fellas! I'm chillin' with the principal! I think he has an ear infection. Ooh, what's this button do?!"

Professor Strange grunted in pain, and growled at Miss Quinzel. "Jack, you have one hour to deliver Miss Kyle, or I kill your girlfriend." There was the sound of a gunshot to let us know he had a gun.

We all froze, but Mister Kerr just laughed hysterically for almost five minutes. He wiped tears of laughter away and boomed into the walky-talky, "Nice try, Strange, but for this to work, you have to kidnap someone I actually care about. Good luck with your evil plan!"

"Wait, WAIT!" was all Strange could say before Mister Kerr pressed the off button and threw the device out the window.

Mister Kerr then turned around to us and started to cry. "Okay, we've got to get Harley back."

"Are you crying?" Miss Pepper asked.

"Shut up, no one likes you!" Mister Kerr yelled, pulling out a diamond playing card. "She loved these. I remember the first time we met. She was so hot, and I knew right there it was true love."

"You threw a coke can at her." Miss Kyle said.

"Not everyone expresses love with black panties and butterfly kisses, okay?" Mister Kerr growled. "We just need to get her back! What are we going to do?"

The kids all looked up at me, and I just sighed, "Maybe we just need to wait. Miss Quinzel is smart, she can get out of this."

"What if she doesn't?!" Mister Kerr yelled.

"Then I suppose we just..."

I wasn't able to stop looking at Mister Kerr crumpling into a ball on the floor and crying, rubbing his diamond playing card on his face and whimpering. I just gave up and said, "Why don't we just go and talk to Professor Strange?"

"What if he hurts her?!"

"You pushed her off the roof yesterday." Miss Kyle grumbled.

Mister Kerr exploded, "TWO DAYS AGO, BRUCE WAS HANGING OUT WITH SILVER, AND YOU PUSHED HER IN A FOUNTAIN JUST BECAUSE SHE COPIED YOUR PICKUP LINES, SO STOP JUDGING ME!"

Miss Kyle mumbled, "I still called dibs on, 'I could've smashed your head with a brick.'"

I decided to take the kids to Professor Strange's office and talk to him. You'd think I was surprised, but so many authority figures in Gotham were evil, I accepted the risk when I took the kids to school. Besides, Mister Kerr and him spent too long laughing evilly with each other for it to not be obvious.

I didn't have anything to defend myself with, but Mister Kerr had an assortment of guns and knives in his backpack I would question him about later. For now, I grabbed the machine gun in his lunch box and went to Professor Strange's office. There was no one else around, which was good. There was going to be a fight if Professor Strange was as serious as he sounded.

The door to his office was locked. With the kids behind me, I kicked down the door and found Miss Quinzel, humming a tune and sitting on the desk, playing with her toes and singing, "This little piggy's in a coma, this little piggy got himself blown up, this little piggy cried wa-wa-wa, all the way... hey, Strange, let me see your toes."

Professor Strange had his short hair in pigtails and had makeup on. He was sitting in a chair, his arms crossed and about to have a meltdown. "Just take your girl!" he cried. "I can't stand this psycho for one more second!"

"Mister J!" Miss Quinzel squeaked, running to Mister Kerr behind me. "I knew you'd come! I knew you- OOF!"

I turned back and found that Mister Kerr had swatted Miss Quinzel onto the ground and was growling, "Stop, your voice sounds like a pig having a stroke. Do I need to keep a leash on you? Stop running off whenever you want! Now cut my fingernails and get to bed, or you're sleeping outside tonight!"

Miss Quinzel jumped up and gleefully skipped after her boyfriend, while I talked to Professor Strange.

"Why did you need Miss Kyle?" I asked. He didn't say anything. I growled, "Talk! Or else I'm bringing Miss Quinzel back here."

"No!" Professor Strange snarled. "She's too annoying. I'd rather give up my plans for city domination and be a school principle forever than be around her for one more second. But the plans... he said he needed Selina Kyle out of the picture so she could get to Bruce Wayne."

"Who's he and she?" I asked.

Professor Strange growled and said nothing.

"Miss Quinzel, get back here!" I shouted.

"Okay, okay!" Strange whimpered. "Theo Galavan and Silver St. Cloud. Theo and I are partners. He said he'd give me anything I wanted if I helped him with Bruce Wayne. He needed Bruce to trust him, and to like Silver. That's all I know, please don't bring Pigtails back here."

I sighed. "You will stay here and continue as principal. You will say nothing to Theo, Silver, or anyone, or Miss Quinzel will haunt your dreams forever, understood?"

"Understood."

I nodded and started to walk out with the kids when I saw Mister Kerr storm back in and punch Professor Strange in the face, knocking him backwards and unconscious.

"That's for messing with my one true love!" he growled, spitting on Professor Strange.

Miss Quinzel peered back in through the door, dreamily sighing. "I'm your one true love?"

"That's it, go sleep in the yard!" Mister Kerr shouted. "And do something different with your hair, your pigtails look like your hair is trying to escape from your head!"

 **By the way, that's how Harley and Jack work in my head in every movie and comic and TV show. I'm ninety-nine percent sure that's not how they intended it to be, but I see how Joker looks into Harley's eyes, and I'm just like, "True love right there." Anyway, the gang is ninety percent aware of Silver's plans and stuff! How will Bruce find out...?**


	62. Humans of Gotham (Part One)

**Hey, guys! Sorry for not updating in so long, but ever since Mommy's Little Monster, I went kind of crazy with a parody on that. (Which you can read in Gotham Season Two- Revised Script) Then I had to edit a lot of it, because the things that happened to Silver in the unedited original were super overboard. (But completely deserved. You'll see.)**

 _"_ _Ready, Bruce?" Cat asked, her goggles down, ready to blow up the door._

 _"_ _But wait!"_

 _"_ _What?"_

 _"_ _I have a skeleton key!"_

 _Cat looked over at Bruce, confused and a tiny bit frustrated._

Dear Diary,

"Why are you agreeing to this?" Miss Kyle asked. "Show-folk are total freaks." she sighed, while laying Master Bruce across her lap and tickling his bare belly.

Mister Kerr threw down his sandwich and grinned, "I think filming a reality show at this house will be awesome. This face was made for the spotlight."

I sighed, "It's not an entire show. It's just an episode of Humans of Gotham, and I think it's great they're doing an episode about Bruce Wayne. We'll get to see someone in Gotham who's not a drug addict or a criminal."

"Really?" Mister Kerr groaned. "They had to go pick the least photogenic person in this place besides Harley?"

"It was only one bad yearbook photo!" Miss Quinzel screamed.

"Yeah, you can only get away with that excuse if your other yearbook photos look good!" Mister Kerr growled.

I ignored them. "If a TV crew is coming here, we have to look presentable. Put on your best clothes and be on your best behaviour. Can I trust you to do that?"

"Don't worry, Alfred." Miss Pepper smirked. "We're always on our best behaviour." she said, as Miss Kyle started tickling Master Bruce faster than he could take, and he tumbled out of her lap and onto the floor, not able to breathe from laughing too much.

After breakfast, the kids disappeared upstairs with Richard, while I cleaned some things up. I didn't want a television crew to think of the mansion as sloppy. The hours went by and the kids didn't come down, so I expected them to make a grand entrance. I knocked on their bedroom door, but it was locked. A few hours after I gave up on them, there was a knock at the door, and I went to go greet the people.

"Hello, what an honor it must be for you to meet me!" the man said. There was another man holding a camera and microphone. The man talking was buff, handsome, and had brown messy hair. Dirt stained his clothes and his ears seemed lopsided. "My name is Basil. Maybe you've heard of me? Basil Karlo? Star of 121 Days? Static Cling? There's my new movie, Clayface, playing in theaters right now! No? It's okay, you'll hear of me soon. So where are my stars?"

A door opened upstairs, and I looked up to find Mister Kerr, dressed in purple robes, holding a scepter, and wearing a crown sauntering down the stairs. "Hello, Basil. It's a pleasure to meet a fellow showman. I'm Jack, and this is Harley."

Miss Quinzel peeked out from under Mister Kerr's robes and shouted, "Peek-a-boo!"

"Wait, I know you two!" Mister Carlo smiled. "Harleen Quinzel? Daughter of Richmond and Narissa Quinzel? You're one of the richest heirs in Gotham! And your last name is Kerr, right? That was on the news! You robbed a casino and stabbed your parents to-"

"Ha ha, yeah, no one needs to know about that!" Mister Kerr laughed sheepishly. "Can I show you our room?"

I followed the crew, Mister Karlo, and the two kids up the stairs to the closed bedroom door. Mister Kerr grinned and pushed it open, showing Miss Kyle and Master Bruce holding Richard.

"May I introduce you to Lord and Lady Wayne?" Mister Kerr laughed.

Miss Kyle curiously crept up to the camera, prodding it with her nose. "Is this live?" she asked.

Mister Karlo shrugged, "Well, we'll have to edit some things, but a majority of this will be-"

Miss Kyle started sniffing the camera and poking it. Once she had her fill of embarrassment, she leapt back and grinned, "My name's Cat. This is Bruce Wayne. I called dibs on him because he's cute and he has a cute butt."

Mister Karlo laughed. "Well, dibs, huh? According to the tabloids, Bruce, you know who Silver St. Cloud is."

"Who?" Miss Kyle asked.

Miss Quinzel added, "CryBaby McBlondpanties."

"Ohhh." Miss Kyle sighed. "Yeah, well, we don't really talk about her on account of her being a giant-" she thankfully couldn't finish before Miss Quinzel and Mister Kerr jumped on her, the three rolling around on the ground and slapping at each other. Mister Karlo took the moment to interview Master Bruce, while I opened the door and Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel rolled Miss Kyle out in a frenzy of slapping, biting, and black leather.

"What was that for?!" Miss Kyle yelled, once Master Bruce couldn't hear us. "You know, if you guys weren't my friends, I'd have clawed your eyeballs out."

"If you weren't my friend, I'd shove a knife in your neck, carve a smile on your face, and flush you down the toilet. Don't talk smack to me." Mister Kerr panted, brushing off the bite marks.

I sighed, "We want to keep what we know about the Galavans a secret from Master Bruce. He has enough to think about, and that'd just freak him out."

"Oh, so _now_ you believe Silver's evil because of the lockdown yesterday?" Miss Kyle glared. "She stole all my clothes, dyed my hair pink, and used a marker to write her name on Bruce's butt, and that didn't scream psycho to you?"

"How did you find out she wrote her name on Bruce's butt?" Miss Quinzel asked.

Miss Kyle shrugged. "I conduct searches sometimes. Just in case that blonde hair dye is giving him a rash."

The bedroom door opened, and Master Bruce showed Mister Karlo out. "I think Jonny and Ivy are in the garden."

Mister Karlo nodded, and his crew followed him down the stairs. Master Bruce turned to Miss Kyle and said, "What were you guys talking about?"

"Jack is going through puberty." Miss Kyle grumbled.

"Cool." Master Bruce said, his eyes awkwardly wandering, and he went downstairs. Miss Kyle shot us a look and followed him.

I sighed and turned to Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel. "Don't let her tell him, okay?"

"Come on, Harley." Mister Kerr sneered. "Get the whoopee cushion. She's going to pay for that puberty thing."

I went out to the garden to see what was happening with Miss Pepper and Mister Crane. I went out to the garden to find Master Bruce holding Richard, staring at Mister Crane talking into the camera with Mister Karlo listening intently.

"Your life is a lie. The impression of fame and fortune was created by your blinkered mind to fill the void in your head, a black hole that can never be filled because you're truly alone in this world."

"You creep me out." Mister Karlo grinned in a bright voice, and the camera shifted to Miss Pepper. "What about you? Feel like an interview?"

"I want oatmeal." Miss Pepper said, going off into the house.

Mister Karlo sighed with a smirk and turned to me. "Alright, a couple more shots of the house, and we'll be done! Unless you want an interview?"

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, bad idea." I said. "I don't get along with televisions."

Mister Karlo shrugged. "That's okay. The episode will be up by seven at night tomorrow. I'll see you on the TV!"

He and the crew disappeared in through the door to get shots of the house, and Mister Crane handed Richard to me. I asked why he had the baby, and he showed me across the yard, Miss Kyle was sitting on Master Bruce's lap and kissing him wildly, her hands running through his hair and up his arms. She finally backed away a bit, letting him take a huge breath.

"So, B?" Miss Kyle asked. "Still like Silver?"

"W-Who's Silver?" Master Bruce asked, panting and unblinking, staring at Miss Kyle dazed.

"That's my B." Miss Kyle smiled, and smashed her lips back onto his before he could finish breathing.


	63. Humans of Gotham (Part Two)

Dear Diary,

It was seven at night, and our episode of Humans of Gotham was about to premiere! The kids were crowded around the television with some popcorn bowls and candy. They invited a few guests over, which I didn't mind. Detective Gordon, Bullock, Mister Nygma, Captain Barnes, Miss St. Cloud, Mister Galavan, and the rest were seated on the couch, waiting for the show to start.

I ran over with some bowls of popcorn and handed them out to our guests. Detective Bullock laughed, "You know, I had my own episode of this show. It was forty minutes of me drinking and flipping off the camera guy."

"Actually, that was the Jim Gordon episode." Detective Gordon said. "And you're still not allowed to fill in for me at work ever again."

"This is reality TV, Richard!" Miss Quinzel squeaked, playing with him in her lap. "And it's the only episode you'll ever watch, because it's the first one ever made without sluts and cranky old men."

"What's wrong with that?" Mister Kerr asked, and the episode started.

* * *

 **WELCOME TO HUMANS OF GOTHAM! LET'S THANK OUR LIGHTING GUY, ARTHUR LIGHT, OUR CAMERA MAN, HARRY SIMMS, AND FINALLY, THE MAN OF THE HOUR, THE STAR OF 121 DAYS, STATIC SHOCK, EXPERIMENT 8, EINSTEIN, CLAYFACE, CLAYFACE 2, THE RETURN OF CLAYFACE, PLEASE HELP ME, I CAN'T WRITE TITLES FOR THIS WALKING EGO ANYMORE, PLEASE HELP-**

"Hi, my name is Basil Karlo, and I'm here with a special episode of Humans of Gotham today. We're outside Wayne Manor, where we're about to meet fourteen year old, multi-billionaire, Bruce Wayne!" a graphic card of Bruce Wayne is put up on the screen. "Bruce lives with his butler, Alfred J Pennyworth, and six other kids with no parents that he's been so kind as to take in! Let's see who this charming billionaire really is."

The camera pans in through the door, and we see Alfred on the screen. "This is Alfred Pennyworth, Bruce Wayne's butler. Oh, and here come two kids now!"

Jack comes down the stairs, and Harley follows after. The TV cuts to a shot of Jack and Harley in the study being interviewed by Basil.

"My name is Harley Quinzel, and I live at Wayne manor. My parents are gone a lot, so I stay here with my friends."

"My name is Jack. Don't ask where my parents are. Seriously, don't."

Basil laughs, continuing the interview. "So, what do you think of Bruce and Selina?"

Jack sighs, "There's a lot of spanking. And giggling. Not necessarily in that order."

The camera cuts back to Wayne manor, and we're in the bedroom of Wayne manor, where Selina Kyle is standing uncomfortably close to the camera and poking the screen with her nose. Basil does his commentary, "This is Selina Kyle, a street kid who was taken in by Bruce. And behind her, we have the man of the hour, Bruce Wayne!"

Bruce steps out from behind Selina, shyly waving to the camera. There is a transition shot, and we cut to an interview with Bruce and Selina sitting in the study.

"So, what can you tell me about each other?" Basil asks.

Bruce stammers, "Umm, well Selina is- I mean... she's-"

"Bruce is my boyfriend." Selina smiles, putting her arm around his shoulder. "He's awkward, and he broods a lot, but that makes him cuter. What do you think of me, B?"

"Umm... Selina's... nice."

"Aw, good B." Selina kisses Bruce on the cheek, and the camera cuts back to the Basil.

"Yes, Bruce seems to like Selina now," Basil grins, trying to nudge the viewer through the screen. "But what does he think of his relationship with Silver St. Cloud?"

The camera goes to an interview at a different location, where Silver St. Cloud is sitting in front of the camera. She says, "Bruce is my friend. We hang out a lot together."

It cuts to a madly grinning Basil Karlo, who asks the viewer, "And what does Selina think of this?"

"Well, I think Silver is a-" Selina says to the camera, and what follows is a forty-five second long bleep that censors the next forty-seven seconds of her speech. The uncensored two seconds were used to say, "With a Volkswagen."

Back at Wayne manor, Basil had lead the camera to the yard, where Ivy Pepper and Jonny Crane were playing with a baby named Richard. Basil leads the camera closer to the kids, and says, "This is Jonathan Crane, who was on the news for the Crane house fire, and Ivy Pepper, who was on the news for the infamous 'Bullock Running Through Town Without Pants' incident last month. With them is Richard John Grayson, son of Mary Lloyd and John Grayson from Haly's Circus that was in town recently!"

The camera cuts to a shot of an interview. Ivy is sitting next to Jonny and holding Richard. It starts off with Ivy's answer to a question while she's holding Richard in her arms. "What do I think of him? He's good. He cries sometimes, and I have to pat his head to calm him down, but he's usually quiet and cute and adorable."

"Okay, now what do you think of Richard?" Basil asks.

"Oh, he's cute. We're his parents now, basically. He has my eyes, Jonny's nose, Bruce's laugh, Cat's smile, Harley's hair, and for the sake of the baby, I hope he doesn't get anything from Jack."

Basil laughs. "Alright, so I can see you're taking good care of the little tyke."

"Jack once wrapped him in a blanket, put him on the ground, and made out with Harley for two hours." Jonny says. "Then he told me not to tell anyone. This is going to teach him not to steal my ice cream."

Ivy plays with Richard in her lap and talks to him in a baby voice, "Oh, I'm sorry you had to see that, Richie. Jack is not normal. Normal people do not use laughing gas and teddy bears to make out with each other."

"In his defence though, Bruce shouldn't be sleeping with a teddy bear." Ivy shrugs.

The camera pans back to Basil, who winks at the camera, holding the teddy bear that Jack and Harley violated. He points at the viewer and says, "Okay, that's all the time we have for this episode, but join me next time on Humans of Gotham, where we go to Wayne Enterprises and ask Sid Bunderslaw about the origin of his stylish new eye-patch!"

 **THIS HAS BEEN HUMANS OF GOTHAM STARRING BASIL KARLO, BASIL IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF THE INJURIES, DEATHS OR FETISHES BROUGHT ON BY RE-ENACTING OR REPRODUCING ANY OF THE ACTIONS IN THIS EPISODE, NONE OF THE INFORMATION IN THIS EPISODE IS GUARANTEED TO BE TRUE, JACK KERR IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF THE LAWS HE BROKE IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS, JACK, GET OUT OF MY STUDIO.**

* * *

"You violated my teddy bear?" Master Bruce asked Mister Kerr.

"Your middle name is J?" Miss Kyle asked me.

"What did you do to my teddy bear?" Master Bruce asked Mister Kerr.

"What did you want to do to me with a Volkswagen?" Miss St. Cloud asked Miss Kyle.

"How did you even get my teddy bear?" Master Bruce asked Mister Kerr.

"We share a bedroom, B. I think it's _our_ teddy bear now." Mister Kerr said.

"This is some damn good television." Detective Bullock grinned, while I went to throw Master Bruce's teddy bear in the washing machine, and Miss Kyle went to go grab the keys to the Volkswagen outside.


	64. A Trip To Ed's Apartment

**Okay, for the four of you that requested Sean Ornelas show up in this story (and the six hundred of you who wish I would and are too shy to ask) yes, he is going to show up. More good news, he will show up in the near future. Last good news, I don't know a lot about what's going to happen yet, but he will have a big role to play in the big overlying Silver St. Cloud plot. Until then, SuperNova has published a story called "Humans of Gotham" based on my last few chapters, so for sure check that out!**

Dear Diary,

This morning, the kids were crowded around Richard's crib. The poor baby was crying, and when I came down the stairs, I yelled, "Mister Kerr, what did you do this time?"

"Why are you yelling at me?!" Mister Kerr asked.

I sighed, "Sorry, force of habit."

Miss Kyle picked Richard up and rocked him in her arms. "Come on, Richard. Why are you crying?"

Richard wriggled around a bit, and finally squeaked, "Ack."

"Aw, he said 'Ed.' Alfred, you have to drive us over to Ed's house. Richard misses him." Miss Kyle smiled.

Miss Quinzel looked confused. "It sounded like he said 'Ack.'"

It was actually not a bad idea. The last time Mister Nygma came over to babysit, he bounced Richard in his lap for hours. That man has a way with babies. If anyone could get the baby to stop crying, it was him. For some reason I didn't care enough about to ask, Mister Kerr was really excited to be home without me, so I got in the car by myself. Master Bruce and Miss Kyle followed me, holding the baby. Richard never stopped crying, and I started on the road to Mister Nygma's apartment.

"Hey, Alfred?" Miss Kyle asked, halfway through the car ride. "When we're older, and me and Bruce have a baby, will you still drive us places like this? Will you be the baby's grand-pappy? Will you be Damian Wayne's grand-pappy?"

"Where did Damian Wayne come from?" I asked.

"We talk about names sometimes. Harley's going to be his godmother, and Jonny's going to be Bruce's best man at the wedding, and you're going to be the grand-pappy. Let's be real here. The world needs my genes to go on. They're too fab."

"Yes, I get it. Can you shut your mouth now?"

We arrived at the door of Mister Nygma's apartment, and Miss Kyle barged in. Master Bruce followed shortly after, trying to keep Richard calm. I sighed and followed them in. We found Mister Nygma sitting at his kitchen table, singing along to a song with the Penguin.

"Ed!" Miss Kyle yelled, running in and giving the dumbfounded poor man a hug for some reason. "Richard has been crying all day, you've got to calm him down! He said your name!"

Master Bruce jumped in, "He may have also said 'Ack,' for the record."

Penguin looked around confused and said, "Who are these people, and why is a baby here?"

"Oh, it's Penguin." Miss Kyle said. "You can watch the baby too, but children don't typically like you, so..."

"Babies love me!" Penguin yelled, just as Richard started crying harder.

Mister Nygma sighed, "Everyone, what's broken when its name is called?"

"What?" Master Bruce asked.

"Silence." Mister Nygma growled. He took Richard from Master Bruce and rocked him for a few minutes, humming a tune and smiling sweetly. Within minutes, Richard was asleep, sucking on his tiny thumb. He turned around to Mister Nygma's chest and fell deep asleep.

"He's a cutie-pie, isn't he?" Penguin asked. "I have a thing for babies."

Miss Kyle grinned, "If only babies had a thing for you." she gently took Richard from Mister Nygma and rocked him carefully.

Mister Nygma smiled. "You're all welcome to stay for lunch. I just went shopping, I can make tea sandwiches."

"Or... you snobby nerdy people who don't know how to talk and dress like normal people can eat tea sandwiches, and I'll go buy takeout with your money." Miss Kyle grinned, doing jazz hands.

I gasped, slightly insulted, and brushed off my pinstripe suit and red tie. "Blimey, well don't expect any penny from me, you half-arsed minx."

"I don't comprehend why you imagine we can't converse like common individuals." Master Bruce said, adjusting the bow tie on his grey sweater vest.

Mister Nygma sighed, putting his hands in the pockets of his green blazer and dress pants, "What can poison without touching and grows stronger with each tongue?"

Miss Kyle smirked happily. "Yeah, okay then. Come on, Richard. There's a MacDonald's across the street." She jumped up to grab the baby and Mister Nygma's wallet, and skipped out the door singing, "See you later..."

When the door closed and Miss Kyle's footsteps faded away, Penguin cleared his throat and asked, "So who are you two?"

I introduced myself, "I'm Alfred Pennyworth, and this is Bruce Wayne. How do you do?"

Penguin sighed and whispered a little too loudly to Mister Nygma, "Don't you think they'll intrude on our plans?"

Mister Nygma laughed, "Oh no, we can trust these two. Now that Selina's gone, we can tell them everything about the Dumas family and Theo and the-"

"Shhhhhh..." Penguin growled, putting a finger on Mister Nygma's lips to shut him up.

I came closer to Mister Nygma and whispered so Master Bruce couldn't hear. This was important. "I'm sorry, what did you say about Mister Galavan?"

"Agh!" Penguin yelled, desperate to keep his friend from saying anything.

Nygma smirked. He couldn't resist telling me of course. Instead of revealing his full plan and risk getting killed by his friend, he leaned towards me and whispered in my ear, "There's a kid who's staying at the Royal Hotel. His name is Sean Ornelas. He can tell you everything."

Of course. Everything in my life always had to revolve around kids. As important as all this Galavan business was, I was not going to risk having another child move into the manor. Then of course, Miss Kyle saved my ass by barging back into the room, throwing Mister Nygma's wallet at him and groaning, "There's nothing in there but a gum wrapper, a ticket to Gone Girl, and some murder files on some random person named Kristen Kringle."

"You all have to leave right now." Mister Nygma said abruptly, and we were promptly kicked out of the apartment.

Master Bruce nibbled on half a tea sandwich and asked, "What was that all about?"

Miss Kyle shrugged, rocking a sleeping Richard in her arms. "People be crazy, kiddo. Come on, I still never got lunch."

Master Bruce nodded. "Do you really think I talk and dress weird?"

"Yep." Miss Kyle said, making Master Bruce's eyes go down quickly embarrassed. Then, she smiled at him, said, "But that just makes you cuter." and kissed him on the lips and ran off towards the car. Master Bruce, happy again, chased after her, while I checked my phone for rooms at the Gotham Royal Hotel...

 **I almost forgot, I want to give a shoutout to the person who left me a review saying simply, in all caps by the way, and FF censors things, so this is an exact copy and paste, "F*** U GALAVAN!" We are with you, my brother.**


	65. Silver's Having a Bad Day (Crossover!)

**Hi, everyone, welcome to the two hundredth crossover between the stories I'm going to refer to as 'Diaries' and 'Cat Rules' because the other names are so long. TSDOAP and TIMATDWIAWM is still pretty long. FanWriter83 wrote versions of these on her story, so go check that out because it's awesome and amazing and coined the motto I live my life by, "Before a man truly understands rejection, he must be ignored by a cat." Anyway, extra long chapter this time, so enjoy and let me know if you like this format so I can make longer chapters for special occasions.**

Dear Diary,

Today, I woke up to the sound of Miss Quinzel yelling at me, "Alfred, I want some juice from the fridge!"

I woke myself and found her at the foot of my bed, lying spread out on the floor and looking like she was dying of thirst. I sat up and groaned, "So go get yourself some juice."

"I can't!" she squealed, wriggling around on the floor and attempting to drink the condensation from the window. "You made like four hundred rules for Cat and put them all on sticky notes on the fridge. It's too heavy! The weight of your discipline is making the fridge door almost fall off!"

I sighed, "Just so you know, the rules for _you_ made my kitchen drawer explode," and went to go open the fridge for her. Before I got up, she wrapped herself around my legs and smiled,

"After Bruce, I'm your favorite, right?"

"Actually, after Master Bruce, Mister Crane is my favorite, though you're a close third."

Miss Quinzel then jumped on my back and laughed, "Hi ho, butler! To the kitchen! Oh, by the way, me and Mr. J and Ivy and Jonny are going to the park and look for treasure. You're gonna stay home with Richard and Bruce and Cat. Also, Jack peed on your roses. Now, to the kitchen!"

After I got to the kitchen where the other kids were, Miss Kyle made a comment about all the kids getting piggy-back rides, and the four left the house.

Master Bruce went upstairs to see how Richard was going, and I struck up a conversation with Miss Kyle sitting on the couch. She was lying near the window and trying to catch the dust.

"So, what antics are we going to have today?" I asked.

Miss Kyle sighed. "I dunno. I'm tired." She jumped off the window ledge and walked off down the hall exploring. An hour passed and my confidence that it was going to be a good day grew, and I called the two down for lunch. I went up to Master Bruce's room, and he wasn't there. Of course he wasn't.

As per usual, I looked in every room to see where they were and checked every tree to see if Miss Kyle had gotten herself stuck again. Apparently they were playing hide-and-seek again. I only found them when there was a banging coming from a room that was going under renovation. The door seemed to be locked, so I unlocked it with my skeleton key and Master Bruce fell out onto the ground, clutching his shoulder in pain. Miss Kyle skipped out wearing a party dress and said, "Walk it off, kiddo." This is what I get when Miss Kyle says she's tired.

"What were you two doing?" I asked.

Miss Kyle shrugged. "We got locked in there. You really gotta work on your upper body strength, kid."

"The door was locked!" Master Bruce said, his shoulder red from slamming it against the locked door.

"Wait, why are you wearing a party dress?" I asked Miss Kyle.

She sighed, "I have a life outside you people, you know?!" and stormed off rather melodramatically to the kitchen.

I helped Master Bruce off the ground and he ran after her. After the children both left and they couldn't hear me, I got a call on my cell phone. The caller ID let me know it was Miss Tabitha Galavan. I picked it up, and Miss Galavan let me know that Miss St. Cloud was coming over for lunch. Well, I might as well entertain the little minx while we decide what to do with her. The kids had suggested many things to do to her, and none of them were legal even by Gotham standards. I okayed Miss Galavan and went down the hall to let Miss Kyle and Master Bruce know.

"Master Bruce?!" I yelled while he was sitting on the couch. "Miss Silver called and she wanted me to let you know she was coming over for lunch today."

Miss Kyle peered out from behind the corner with a dirty look on her face. Master Bruce, completely unaware of what was happening, jerked upright and smiled, "Silver called?"

In that moment, Miss Kyle ran and jumped on him, the both of them falling off the couch and Miss Kyle easily beating up Master Bruce with her grunting, "Never ever... dare to... sigh dreamy again... unless you see... or think... OF ME!"

I would've pulled her off, but a feeling in my gut told me he was enjoying it a bit, so I let her continue while I went downstairs to see if I could spot Miss St. Cloud's car.

Later, the car pulled up in our driveway and Miss St. Cloud exited. I opened the door to welcome her inside, and Miss Kyle came down the stairs to look her in the eye.

"Hi, Selina." Miss St. Cloud smiled.

"CAT!" Miss Kyle growled.

Miss St. Cloud corrected herself. "I hope this doesn't make you jealous, but Bruce and I are having lunch together."

"You think that will make me jealous? You think I'm the jealous kind of girl? Well then you have to know that a jealous girl does better research than the FBI! And this girl will find every little secret you and the Galavans are hiding!"

"So you admit you're jealous?"

Miss Kyle took a deep breath out and whispered in my ear, "Alfred, I know we agreed not to tell Bruce about that, but he would probably believe us if I told him Silver accidentally broke both her arms on the way here?"

I chased her off, took Miss St. Cloud's coat, and let her freshen up while I went to prepare a decent lunch for our guest. Master Bruce came down to see what I was cooking, and I asked him, "So where are Miss Kyle and Miss St. Cloud? Don't tell me they're in the same room alone."

"What's wrong with that?" Master Bruce asked.

The two of us froze as we heard the screaming coming from upstairs as Miss Kyle and Miss St. Cloud were yelling,

"Cat, don't do it! Please don't shave my hair off!"

"Say it!"

"You know I can't!"

"Say it. SAY IT!"

"Fine. FINE! YOU, CAT, ARE THE MOST LOVELY PERSON I HAVE EVER MET!"

"Say it all."

"Cat, you are the most charming and lovable person I've ever met! I don't love Bruce at all! I'm mean, backstabbing, fake, and a cry-baby! I wish I was more like you because you're perfect for Bruce and-"

"Not fast enough!"

I ran out to the living room where Miss St. Cloud ran downstairs sobbing madly, chased by Miss Kyle. Miss Kyle was holding an electric shaver that had a bit of long silver hair in it. Miss St. Cloud wrapped her arms around Master Bruce and cried into his shoulder, and I noticed one side of her hair was a bit shorter.

"Oh, sure, go and cry your eyes out all over my boyfriend's 100 percent polyester sweater. Your tears will probably give him a rash!" Miss Kyle growled, turning her shaver off. She pulled the blonde hairs out and threw them at the weeping girl.

"Bruce, S-she was so m-mean to me!" Miss St. Cloud wept, still clinging onto Master Bruce.

Miss Kyle laughed, "Oh, come on, Bruce. You're honestly buying her crap?"

"Bruce, she's a psychopath!" Miss St. Cloud cried, after twitching her chest a little bit into Master Bruce.

"Come on, Silver." Bruce said. "What do you need?"

Miss St. Cloud looked up. "I want to go to your room."

She dragged Master Bruce up the stairs, and I pulled Miss Kyle to the side. "Miss Kyle, I am expecting you to show a little restraint around Miss St. Cloud. At least Mister Kerr doesn't chase her with a razor!"

"Well if Jack saw someone hitting on Harley, he'd probably chase them with a chainsaw."

I sighed, "Look, I want to tell Master Bruce, but I don't feel like this is the right time."

Miss Kyle thought for a while. "I'll go apologize to Silver. But I am extremely disappointed in you, Mister Pennyworth."

"I have said that to you every day since you moved in!" She couldn't hear me since she ran upstairs already, and I started on lunch once again, which was now on fire since I didn't turn the oven off. After a while, I started on another chicken and soon, Miss Kyle skipped back downstairs.

"Did you apologize?" I asked.

Miss Kyle shook her head. "Even better!"

That automatically meant it was something worse. I tried asking what it was when Miss Kyle ran out of the room and disappeared for the next few minutes. Lunch was just about finished when I heard the sounds of clashing metal coming from the study, and a black and white blur running past me.

Master Bruce ran after the blur, and of course, I had to as well. What I found was Miss Kyle and Miss St. Cloud holding the two swords from the study and slashing at each other. Miss Kyle was mostly stabbing at the air while Miss St. Cloud was desperately trying to defend herself.

"Miss Kyle, Miss St. Cloud, what are you doing?" I asked.

"Selina forced me to duel her and whoever won could date Bruce." Miss St. Cloud wailed, panting from exertion.

Miss Kyle shrugged, "What? It's fair. And besides, Bruce likes a strong woman, and this was the best was to find out."

I knew it was wrong, but looking back at the reasoning, it's what Thomas Wayne would have wanted. I yelled, "I just want to make lunch!" and got Master Bruce to get us takeout.

After lunch was over and we had all eaten, Miss Kyle bade Miss St. Cloud a sarcastic adieu and she left, giving Master Bruce a hug for the road. Miss Kyle collapsed on the floor and sighed, "Ugh, I feel the rage. Come on, Bruce. We have some serious reverse-brainwashing to do."

I decided that day, at that moment, it was time to do the sensible thing. We had to tell Master Bruce the truth about Silver St. Cloud.

The others came home, and I gave them a private talk about breaking the news gently as not to upset Master Bruce, and how I was proud of all of them for keeping the secret this long. Then, I called Master Bruce down.

"SILVERISANEVILBITCHANDSHETRIEDTOKILLALLOFUSANDSHE'SJUSTUSINGYOUFORSOMETHINGBUTWEDON'TKNOWWHATBECAUSEWEBROKEINTOHERROOMANDSHE'SLIKESTALKINGYOUANDPROFESSORSTRANGEISINONITANDTHEY'RETRYINGTOKILLSELINAANDSHESEDUCEDYOUWITHHERPOUTYLIPSANDMASSIVEBOOBSANDTOOKADVANTAGEOFYOURPUBESCENTHORMONESANDEVERYTHINGISALIEANDJACKPEEDONYOURBED!" All the kids yelled at once before Master Bruce could even make it all the way down the stairs, and I slapped my forehead.

"Master Bruce, I am so sorry about this." I said. "I know this must be very hard to understand, but you must-"

"I already knew." Master Bruce said, and I froze.

"How?"

"Selina told me two months ago." Master Bruce said. "I knew I had to play along if we wanted to see what Silver was up to."

Miss Kyle grinned, "So, now that we're all on the basis that Silver is evil and all of us are back on Team BatCat, what are we going to do?"

 **Next time, on the Secret Diaries of Alfred Pennyworth...**

"Oh, cool, a waiter." Mister Kerr laughed. "Yo, waiter, get me a towel!"

The boy in our room turned around and smiled, "Oh, sorry, but I'm not a waiter. I'm your roommate. My name is Sean."

"Cool. Now get me a towel."

 **Props if you can tell me all the rules I used! Also, because I can't write a chapter that's just an author's note and a lot of you guys also read my other story, Gotham Season Two (Revised Script) (I will change the name as soon as I think of a less suckish title.) I am going to write parodies of every one of the last three episodes, but since there's a three month break coming, I'm going to spread them out through the months so I'll have something to write during then. Thanks for reading!**


	66. Who is Silver St Cloud?

**I don't think I have a reader who doesn't know who Sean Ornelas is, but I have to say this or else I'll get sued. I'm kidding, TEDOG can't sue me. And if he can, I'm really excited to see the official court case of TEDOG vs. 95. That'd actually be a pretty good story if any of you guys want inspiration. Anyway, Sean comes from a story called Gotham by TEDOG, which you really should read because it's amazing and BatCat filled! Also, at the time of this writing, I have 95 reviews. Thanks, guys! My name makes sense for the first time!**

 _"_ _Hey, Bruce?" Cat asked, flipping through the pages of Alfred's diary. "Do you feel a little weird?"_

 _"_ _No. Weird like how?"_

 _"_ _Like we're in a section of a story that's been delayed because the writer keeps planning too much and ironically hasn't actually written any of it because he's a lazy ****?"_

 _"_ _Not really."_

 _Cat shrugged. "Okay, let's go. I want to see what Captain Barnes has to say about this thing."_

Dear Diary,

This morning, I awoke to the sounds of police sirens and Detective Gordon yelling through a bullhorn. Getting ready for a normal day at Wayne manor, I dragged myself to the kid's room to see what all the commotion was about.

Then I found out that six children and a baby had somehow managed to blow the wall completely off their bedroom. There was a giant hole in the wall where the north wall used to be, and from outside the hole, Detective Gordon had lined up a squad of police cars and was yelling at the kids through a bullhorn.

"Okay," I yelled, making them jerk back. "I am no longer angry because of prolonged exposure to this kind of antic. I am, though, very curious as to how six kids and a baby blow the wall off their bedroom before I can even wake up!"

Mister Kerr grinned sheepishly. "I was trying to make a smoothie."

"What we're looking at is the damage possibly caused by the average land mine." Detective Gordon growled.

"I'm really bad at making smoothies." Mister Kerr said.

"I can pay for it." Master Bruce said.

Detective Gordon shook his head. "The Waynes have city coverage apparently. You guys are insured for city repair and a free two-night stay at the Royal Hotel while the wall is being repaired. But I expect more responsibility next time, okay?"

"You cannot most definitely not unexpect that from us." Mister Kerr laughed, playfully punching Detective Gordon in the arm and running off to the kitchen for breakfast.

Two hours later, Detective Bullock had booked us a room in the Royal Hotel downtown, insured that no person had ever been murdered inside of it. The hall beside it did not carry such a guarantee, but it was the best you could do in Gotham. When the construction crew came, our weekend luggage was ready. I made Mister Kerr apologize to the crew, but all he said was, "I'm sorry that you're getting paid, but on the upside, you can use the money to take care of that uni-brow." Finally, all of them got in the car and we were off to the hotel.

After a short drive, we were in the lobby of the hotel, where some bellboys brought our luggage up to our room. Detective Gordon had booked us a penthouse suite and a weekend membership to all recreational rooms. As soon as we got in, the kids were taken in by how lavish everything looked.

"Hey, B?" Miss Kyle said. "After we're done here, can you buy this place for me? Mommy needs a new scratching post."

Mister Kerr grinned. "Harley, grab the egg-launcher. It's time for some recon."

I gave the bellboy our ID. I told him, "My name is Alfred Pennyworth. This is Bruce Wayne, Selina Kyle, Harleen Quinzel, Jack Kerr, Ivy Pepper, Jonathan Crane, and Richard Grayson. We're booked in advance."

The bellboy looked through the computer confused. "Sorry, but Detective Bullock called us to make reservations for a Bruce Weiner, Kitty-Cat Leather-face, Pigtails, the Bane of My Existence, Creepy Plant girl, Creepy in-General Boy, Some Baby, and Alfredo Panini. "

I'll have to call Detective Gordon later about letting his drunk partner do work.

Mister Kerr jumped on the back of a bellhop and led us up to our room. After a ride in the elevator, we opened the door to the massive room to find a boy sitting on the bed reading a book. And guess what? He was around Master Bruce's age and looked like he had no parents. He was wearing a grey hoodie and ripped sweatpants, with his brown hair tousled and freckles on his face.

"Oh perfect! Room service!" Mister Kerr exclaimed, while we all slapped our foreheads. "Hey, bellboy, get me a towel!"

The boy turned around and smiled, aware of the confusion. "Oh, I'm not a bellboy. I'm Sean. Sean Ornelas? I'm your roommate."

"Cool." Mister Kerr said. "Now get me a towel."

"Hello, Sean." Mister Crane said from behind me.

Mister Ornelas seemed to know him. "Oh, hi Jonny. What are you doing with these people?"

I interrupted. "I'm sorry, you two know each other?"

"Jonny has seen every single person in Gotham." Miss Pepper smiled.

"Or at least have sensed their life force." Mister Crane said, everyone but me nodding in understanding.

Mister Ornelas shrugged, "So, you're Bruce Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth, and you're Harleen Quinzel, so who are the rest of you guys?"

Miss Kyle sneered curiously. "Call me Cat. I'm taken, by the way. By this cute slice of hormones here." she quickly kissed Master Bruce's cheek. "This is Ivy, who's Jonny's squeeze basically, and our baby, Richard. No offense, but I like to know someone a little first before I sleep on a bed with them, so you get the other bed with Alfred."

Mister Ornelas reopened his book and laid back on the bed. "Also, it's not like I'm afraid of assassins or anything, but with Theo Galavan out of jail, I really don't think Bruce Wayne should be at a hotel."

"Wait, what?" I asked. There was absolutely no reason that boy should know anything about Theo Galavan, unless they were in cahoots. And then there was the fact that Mister Nygma had mentioned his name before. "Wait, do you know Edward Nygma?"

"We're buds." Mister Ornelas said. "He's a cool dude when he's not asking riddles. And yeah, he told me about Galavan. Do you guys not know?" He held up his book, and I saw that the title was, 'The Order of St. Dumas: A History.'

Mister Kerr grabbed the book and read the title slowly and ominously. "It says... the Order of St. Dumb-ass. What's that?"

"It's Dumas." Mister Ornelas grumbled.

Mister Kerr tilted his head. "Nope, pretty sure it's pronounced Dumb-ass." He cracked open the book and flipped through the first few pages. "Hey, look! The Waynes are in this."

Mister Ornelas nodded. "According to Ed and the book, a long time ago, five elder families ruled Gotham. The Kanes, the Crowns, the Elliots, the Waynes, and the Dumas. Anyway, there was a girl from the Waynes named Celestine who was supposed to marry an Elliot, but instead, a guy named Caleb Dumas knocked her up. The Waynes got pissed and chopped off his hand, and the Dumas were chased out of town. So now, the Dumas hate the Waynes and want to violently murder all of them in the face. And, you know... you have a nice face. I don't think you want it murdered."

Miss Kyle sighed, "So basically, the Dumas are a bunch of date-rapers and were chased out for a good reason?"

"Really?" Mister Kerr asked. "Because it sounds like the Dumb-ass family was chased out unfairly, and the Waynes are a bunch of arrogant pricks who don't know how love works."

Mister Ornelas shrugged. "No one really knows for sure, but it seems pretty obvious who Theo Galavan really is, right?"

That made a lot of sense. Which means Miss St. Cloud was in on it as well, obviously trying to get something from the inside. We had to do something.

"Well, Sean here is a friend now, so he gets the secret welcome ritual." Miss Quinzel smiled, draping her arm around his shoulder. "Come on, Tousles. We need a carton of eggs, a slide, and a really big hula hoop.

The kids left the room with Mister Ornelas to go do whatever, while I needed to lie down and think a bit. That child claimed he was friends with Mister Nygma and Mister Crane, but it wouldn't be the first time Galavan planted a trustworthy child to spy on us. We didn't know what Sean Ornelas was, but if he was telling the truth, we were in big trouble. And of course, Miss St. Cloud was still –

"Alfred!" Miss Kyle screamed, running back in the room with a bruise on her forehead. "Some monks just kidnapped Bruce!"

 **Next chapter, a sort-of parody of the last episode. And a little heads up; you have not even begun to see what I have planned for Sean Ornelas.One last thing, can anyone tell me why I can't write my own name in my story? Every time I write t-h-e-.-r-i-d-d-l-e-r-9-5, it just turns into 95. Any answers?**


	67. A Boxing Glove Gun to Get Bruce Back

**Well, you've probably been wondering where I've been. I've been on a really long and complicated adventure involving a swimming pool, musical chairs, the new Star Wars movie, and the love of my life since kindergarten that I've given everything I have to being stolen from me by my ultimate nemesis, who has taken everything I haven't given to her and seeks only to ruin everything good in my life. After something like that, your writing becomes a little disturbing for a while. I'm still pissed at him. I understand that if I love her, I should let her be happy and all that, but expect a guy named Damian to meet an unfortunate end somewhere in this chapter.**

Dear Diary,

I spent the entire night on the phone with Detective Gordon and I was exhausted. Halfway through the night, the kids went out searching and they had just returned with nothing. Miss Kyle attempted to use the Bruce-Tracker she made a while ago, but it just led her to a tree in the middle of the park. I then grabbed the bloody thing and found out it was a lumber tool called a Spruce-Tracker. I locked her in a broom closet and made her study the dictionary for the rest of the night.

In the morning, I was at the door about to look myself when I found Mister Ornelas at the door with a bag of his stuff, ready to leave. I tried to hold him back, but he just said, "Sorry about your friend, but I have my own stuff to deal with."

"Ooh, that's the third most dramatic thing I've heard from a teenage hobo!" Mister Kerr grinned, jumping out from behind a corner. "At least stay for breakfast. I need an opportunity to throw an egg at you."

Mister Ornelas threw down his bag and growled, "What's your problem with me?"

"Well, a long time ago, Harley and I were in the park, and I got jumped. A guy in a mask came up to me, said his name was Sean Ornelas, and shot Harley in the chest. She spent a month in an emergency room and I would never forget the pain the felt, and how I would never be able to get revenge for her. But now you're here, and I finally have a chance to get revenge on the man who hurt my baby."

"Oh. I didn't know that, but I'm sorry. I'm not the guy who-"

"No, I'm just kidding. I'm talking more about you showing up and my friend disappearing an hour later."

Mister Ornelas sighed. "I don't know what happened. I'm leaving now."

Mister Kerr laughed hysterically. "Okay, but I'm leaving a review for you on the hotel website. Worst bellboy ever."

That got Mister Ornelas mad. He threw down his bag and stormed up to Mister Kerr, looking him straight in the eye. Mister Kerr never stopped grinning like a psychopath. Mister Ornelas was about to draw back his fist when Miss Quinzel ran in and dragged her loony boyfriend away, not stopping his manic laughter. Mister Ornelas sighed and turned back to me. "Galavan has secret men in the sewers. There's an opening in the main department that's been abandoned for years. If you're looking for Bruce, I'd start there. Are we cool? Do you still think I'm guilty?"

"I never thought you were guilty, Mister Ornelas." I said. "I wish you safe travels."

"Call me Sean." Mister Ornelas took his bag and left out the door, Mister Kerr's mumbled threats trailing after him. I didn't think he heard them.

After, a few bellboys brought some suitcases down, and the five kids met in the front of the hotel lobby with Richard in Miss Pepper's hands. Miss Kyle asked, "So are we going to get Bruce?"

I nodded. "Of course. You kids have to stay here. It's not safe for you."

"We can fight." Miss Quinzel whined.

I shook my head. "No, you can't. It's not safe."

"We're good, Old Man." Mister Kerr laughed.

"You're staying here, and that's final."

The five kids jumped on the bellboys, and in half a second had them pinned to the ground. Miss Kyle was sitting on one's back, holding his hands together, with Mister Kerr holding a boxing glove gun to his head. Miss Quinzel had tripped the other and was sitting on his chest, and one was running around screaming from Mister Crane's gas concoction. Richard crawled over to the bellboy under Miss Kyle and meekly hit him in the face.

"Okay, fine. You can come." I said. "But we're leaving the baby."

After Miss Pepper got Richard up to the manager, we got in the car and headed straight to the place Mister Ornelas mentioned. It turned out there was a warehouse where the sewer workers used to be in before the operation moved to city hall. It was just operational on the first floor now. We drove for about half an hour, and as we saw the building coming over the horizon, the kids started getting their weapons ready.

"Let's go crack some heads." Mister Kerr grinned, strapping on his vest and cocking his ball gun.

"Yeah, you're a little too excited for this." Miss Pepper said.

When the car stopped, the kids came out in their vests with their own weapons. I had a shotgun that I always kept in my suitcase. We inched towards the building, and Mister Kerr shouted, "Okay, you guys keep going with your slow motion dramatic thing, I'm going to shoot some monks with this thing." He ran in the building, and we followed.

What we saw was an elevator going down. We all got in, and took our best guess at which floor to stop on out of the fifty floors. We decided to start on two and keep going down. After the first ten floors, Miss Quinzel started her own rendition of 'Five Thousand Bottles of Soda On the Wall,' and she finally stopped at twenty one bottles when we heard the sounds of fighting coming from a floor below us.

The elevator door opened, and we saw Mister Ornelas armed with a bo staff fighting off a hoard of monks, finishing off on his last monk. He kicked the black robed monk in the face and stood staring at us from the pool of crumpled unconscious monks. After a long awkward silence, Mister Kerr shot Mister Ornelas in the face with a boxing glove. Mister Ornelas caught the boxing glove and yelled, "What was that for?!"

"I was really looking forward to shooting some monks." Mister Kerr growled.

I sighed, "What are you doing here?"

"Same thing as you." Mister Ornelas said. "And I haven't found him yet, so the Clown can keep shaking."

"We've checked all the floors." I said. "He's not here."

Mister Ornelas cocked an eyebrow. "Did you not hear me say secret men in the sewers?"

He led us in through a door and down a flight of stairs until we got to a sewer level. We got to a closed door and heard some chanting coming from the other side. Mister Kerr grinned and yelled through the door in a high-pitched voice, "Girl scouts, would you like some cookies?"

When no one answered, he kicked down the door, and we found a bunch of angry monks ready to attack, Master Bruce tied to a pole behind them. Miss St. Cloud was standing with Galavan at the back, and the two bolted out when he commanded the monks to attack.

The kids ran at them. Miss Kyle whipped one on the butt and chased him around the room. Miss Quinzel smashed a giant hammer onto a few of them. Mister Crane threw a gas bomb down, making three monks run around screaming. Mister Kerr guffawed maniacally, shooting monks left and right. Mister Ornelas ran across the room, knocking down monks with his staff and jumping off the walls, landing on a monk's shoulders and ramming him into the wall. He jumped off and hit a monk named Damian in the face. **(A/N: I'm sorry, I had to.)**

"Umm, guys?!" Master Bruce yelled. "I'm still tied here!"

I ran to untie him, shooting off a few monks and pulling off the rope around Master Bruce. "Never, ever bring home another girlfriend." I yelled, getting the rope off and shooting down a few more monks. After a while, all the monks were knocked out and the kids stood in the middle of the pile, panting and putting their weapons back.

"Wow, these guys are losers." Miss Kyle said. "Why are the cops having such a hard time with them? Oh, and Alfred? I don't seem so bad anymore, do I?"

I turned to Mister Ornelas. "Thank you. I-"

"I know." Mister Ornelas said. "I got to go."

"Will we see you again?" I asked, but he had already jumped in the elevator and was climbing up the shaft, leaving the building.

Mister Kerr laughed, "Oh, Alfred. We all know kids in Gotham always wind up with you some way."


	68. Christmas with Sean (Holiday Special!)

**Merry Christmas! I know that not all of you guys and girls celebrate Christmas, but a lot of people do, so please don't think I'm ignoring you if you don't celebrate. I really care about all my readers and I don't mean to offend any of you. I'm saying this because this is the Christmas chapter! I wish you all much holiday cheer and that your new year will be full of happiness and love.**

 _Sean was sitting on the roof of a building reading a magazine when he heard Cat sneaking up behind him. He pretended not to notice her to make her feel good, and she whispered in his ear, "It's me."_

 _Sean sighed and turned around. "Hi, Selina."_

 _"_ _Want to read something funny?"_

 _"_ _Jack's report card?"_

 _"_ _Nope. I'm talking about Old Man Alfred's diary. Everything he ever thought or said about us, all written in one little book. You interested?"_

Dear Diary,

Today was a very special day. It was December 25th, also known as Christmas day, and it was going to be Richard's first Christmas in the world. The kids had spent all morning putting decorations up and getting the tree ready, and were now sitting in the study with Richard.

"Now, Richard." Miss Pepper said, cradling Richard in her arms. "This is Christmas, where we share love and peace and a guy named Santa Claus breaks into your house and leaves tradable goods and does not get arrested."

"Actually," a voice said. I turned to see Mister Ornelas climbing in through the window. "St. Nicholas was a 16th century priest from Patara who housed an orphanage. He had absolutely nothing to do with chimneys."

Master Bruce shrugged at Miss Pepper, "Yeah. You shouldn't be telling him this. He'll be sad when he finds out Santa's not real."

"Wait... Santa's not real?" Miss Quinzel asked.

Miss Kyle ignored it. "So, Sean? Finally accepted our invitation to stay here?"

Mister Ornelas shrugged. "I'm working some things out. Right now, I'm just here to-"

"Look what I have!" Mister Kerr grinned, prancing into the room with a top hat on his head with a sprig of mistletoe dangling from the front. "It's a mistletoe hat! And now because of Christmas tradition and all that gooey weirdness, whoever I'm standing next to has to kiss me!"

We all stared at him weirdly until he realized he was standing next to Mister Ornelas. Mister Kerr sighed, thinking about the importance of tradition, and started to pucker his lips. The disgusted Mister Ornelas pushed Mister Kerr out a window, and Mister Kerr laughed hysterically as he fell on a bush in the yard.

Miss Pepper sighed and turned back to Richard. "Anyway, when Santa comes, he brings you presents, and this is going to be your first Christmas present ever. And he only brings you presents if you're good, so you're going to be the only one who gets a present."

"Hey!" Miss Kyle grumbled. "I've been good this year."

I stifled back a laugh, and realized I was the only one who found that funny, so I shut myself up and went to bake some pie for dinner.

Later, Miss Kyle and Master Bruce came through the front door and found me in the kitchen. They held up their shopping bags and Miss Kyle grinned, "Okay, that's the last of the Christmas shopping. Richie's going to be so happy when Santa gets here!"

I sighed, "Richard's not here, you don't have to pretend Santa exists."

"I'm not pretending." Miss Kyle said. "He does exist. He visited me once. Where do you think I got the leather jacket?"

Master Bruce shifted uncomfortably. "Selina, Santa Claus is just an urban myth."

"Says you!" Miss Kyle smirked, skipping off to her bedroom. Master Bruce turned back to me.

"Do you know what she's talking about?" I asked.

Master Bruce shook his head. "Oh, and you'll have to make dinner for one more. Sean's staying for the night. He's upstairs right now with Jonny."

I nodded and took some eggs out of the fridge for the extra serving I was going to have to make. In a few hours, I had six servings of mince pie and mashed potatoes, vegan soup and garlic bread for Miss Pepper, and a little applesauce for Richard. I didn't have to buy any presents for the kids. Instead, I took the easy route and sent them to the mall with the Wayne credit card. Even they would have trouble spending two billion dollars in an hour. By the end of it, they had a bag of jewelry and clothes, a bunch of new video games, and a lifetime ban from the mall. That last one fulfilled Mister Kerr's wish for being on the most wanted list in thirty stores before the year ended.

Finally, it was Christmas dinner. We all sat down and said our prayers (although it was questionable who some of the kids' prayers were being said to) and started eating. About halfway through, the kids brought up their presents for each other and started exchanging. My presents from the kids included a guide through meditation, a gift card to Morrison's 'Candy' shop, a new shotgun (that gift actually wasn't bad) and a new skillet. I appreciated the gift, although I didn't know they found out about my skillet collection.

After the kids had given each other gifts, I knew I'd have to sleep with my door locked on account of Miss Kyle's new whip, Miss Quinzel's giant hammer, a hat for Master Bruce with two pointy ears on top, and Mister Kerr's probably fake though possibly real gun. Then, they turned on the music and started dancing while talking about Santa Claus. I was going to have a tough morning when they found out Santa didn't exist. After a while, the party ended and all the kids went to bed, me following suit.

Then, in the middle of the night, I was awoken by rustling noises in the kitchen. I checked the kid's bedroom and all of them were in there, so I grabbed my shotgun and crept downstairs as quietly as I could. It was dark, but there was a man in the study, snooping around the Christmas tree. I pointed my gun and turned off the lights. Then, the man turned around.

"Ho, ho, ho! Shooting Santa Claus definitely counts as naughty, Alfred." he laughed. It was probably a lunatic from Arkham. He was an old, fat man in a red suit with a white beard and a sack of boxes over his shoulder. He was smiling warmly and was eating a cookie.

"How do you know my name?" I asked.

"Santa knows everyone's name, silly." Santa said. Soon, I heard footsteps behind me and the kids came down, Miss Quinzel squealing, "SANTA!"

"Wait, he's real?" Master Bruce asked.

Santa laughed, "Ho, ho. I knew I couldn't sneak around kids like you. You're a special bunch. Here, why don't you open up your presents now?"

I cautiously allowed him to hand out gifts, not doubting they could be bombs. There was an airplane model set for Master Bruce that looked just like his father's, a new leather jacket for Miss Kyle , a flower from Miss Pepper's old home, a charred notebook from Mister Crane's burned house, A skipping rope for Miss Quinzel, a toy gun that fired chattering teeth for Mister Kerr, and a wooden model train for Mister Ornelas.

"This is just like the one my parents gave me when I was little." Mister Ornelas said. "How did you-"

"Santa has his ways, Sean." Santa smiled. Richard crawled down the stairs, and Santa picked up the baby. "I'd venture to say this is your first Christmas! I have something for you." Santa reached into his sack and pulled out a baby rattle. He handed it to Richard, who shook the rattle with a small laugh, hugging Santa with his tiny arms.

Santa laughed and put Richard down, turning to me. "I want to say thank you, Alfred. It's not often you find someone who loves children like you do, and all your kids look so happy. It's a marvelous thing you've done."

"Thank you, Santa." I said. He handed me a cookie and opened the front door, disappearing. I watched as the kids played with their gifts. Miss Kyle smirked, "Told you he was real." And soon, they went up to their bedroom to go to sleep. The man seemed kind enough, and made the kids so happy. Perhaps Santa was-

The front doorbell rang. I answered it, and found Detective Gordon at the door. He held up a mugshot that looked a lot like the man who was just here. "Have you seen this man? His name is Kristopher 'Crusher' Kringle. For almost a year, he's been stealing money from the rich and secretly talking to kids. He recently spent all his stolen money this morning and we don't know what he spent it on. Have you seen him?"

I didn't have to think about my answer for a second. I took a deep breath and said, "Sorry, don't know." I sent Detective Gordon on his way and went to make myself a cup of tea. As far as Gotham vigilantes go, there are much worse things to do than give toys to children.

 **By the way, yes. Kristopher Kringle is a real DC comics supervillain. He has laser vision, and one time, the Easter Bunny hired an alien assassin to decapitate him. I think I just found DC's next movie! Anyway, merry Christmas and happy holidays from Alfred, Selina, Bruce, Ivy, Jonny, Harley, Jack, Richard, and Sean!**


	69. Seven Years Later (Last of 2015!)

**IT'S THE DIARIES NEW YEAR'S SPECIAL! STARRING DAVID MAZOUZ AS BRUCE, CAMREN BICONDOVA AS CAT, CLARE FOLEY AS IVY, CAMERON BOYCE AS JACK, SABRINA CARPENTER AS HARLEY, CHARLIE TAHAN AS JONNY, AND THE AMAZING SEAN PERTWEE AS ALFRED! NOW WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, SEVEN YEARS LATER...**

The Joker was surrounded by a hundred terrified hostages all gathered in chains around his Joker-tank. He was laughing maniacally, twirling his guns around at the citizens just to scare them, a few starting to cry. His sidekick, Harley Quinn, brandished her giant mallet and giggled with glee.

"Oh, Mister J, this is perfect." she squealed. "You really went all-out for our anniversary!"

Joker stopped and stared at her. "Anniversary of what?"

"Of our first date!" Harley growled.

Joker looked confused. "Wait, what date?"

"When we were kids and we were in a park, and you-"

"Harley, stop talking gibberish. Help me get this – AARGH!" as Joker was about to turn around, a plant vine erupted from the ground and wrapped around his leg, bringing him to the ground. He looked up angrily at Poison Ivy, standing over him with a scowl on her face.

"When we agreed to work together, I expected a little bit of class." Ivy said, making the vine around Joker's leg retract and letting Joker get up.

Joker just laughed, "Ivy, Ivy, Ivy, if I remember correctly, you showed up and asked me for help in killing Batman. I was perfectly happy offing the brooding pointy-eared rodent with my bomb plan here!"

"Yeah, and how often has that worked out for you?" Ivy asked.

Harley shrugged understandingly and went off to check on the bombs. Joker turned around to address the audience of hostages around him, getting up on his Joker-tank and talking into a microphone. "Dear citizens of Gotham city. Hi! You know me as the clown prince of crime, Gotham's very own Joker, and I've been practising my Oprah impression for a while, so here, look at this. You get a murdering, and you get a murdering, you're all getting murdered! Ha! Anyway, Harley has bombs all around here filled up with fear gas from our dear friend, Mr. Crow-dash-Scare. I'm going to set them off in a few minutes, but all of you can leave here with your heads still firmly on your shoulders if the masked vigilante caped cosplayer Batman shows up and accepts his tragic yet hilarious end! It's your lives against his. Still think B-man is going to come to your rescue? Or do you all want to die laughing."

One of the hostages raised their hand and asked, "How do we die laughing if we're screaming from fear gas?"

"I should have thought this team-up through." Joker grumped, setting off his detonator and counting. "One, two, three, pi, four, number-after-four, why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six-offender. Aaaaannnddddd... Ten – UGH!"

Joker was knocked to the ground by Batman's foot as he swooped in, followed shortly by Robin. Joker started laughing and sneered at the vigilante.

"So, Bats, how's the family? How's little Timmy, he was so little last time I-"

"Shut it, Clown." Batman growled. "You're coming with me to Arkham. Now do you want to bring your teeth in your mouth or in a matchbox?"

"Look at you with the jokes! I've taught you well. Now can you do me a favor and take off your mask? It'll be easier to aim my gun."

A giant vine erupted from the ground, binding Batman's legs to the ground. As he started to struggle, Harley Quinn came back, bringing a giant hammer right into Batman's chest. Batman was ripped out of the ground and sent flying off the Joker tank. Robin jumped on Harley, trying to get the hammer away from her. Poison Ivy was lowered on the ground by a tree branch and leaned over Batman.

"I always did like a strong man." she smirked. Suddenly, Ivy was kicked off of Batman by someone swooping in. Batman looked up at who saved him, and found Catwoman sitting on Ivy's chest, pinning her to the ground.

"Hands off my man." Catwoman smirked, turning to Batman. "Well, if you're not going to say thank you, I'll just be on my way."

"Go help Robin." Batman said. "I'll take care of Joker."

"So... I'm guessing there's no magic word in the cosplay guild you come from?" Catwoman ignored his rudeness and went to help the boy wonder with his Harley Quinn predicament. Meanwhile, Batman hoisted himself back up on the tank and stood over the Joker, who was on the ground laughing.

"Wow, that was like an entire season of The Bachelor right there." Joker sneered. "Want a spoiler alert? Well, Ross and Diane end up at the party, and they bump into-"

"You're going to jail, Joker." Batman growled. "You're not hurting anyone else."

"Well, what other way is there to spend me and Harley's five year anniversary-"

"SEVEN YEARS!" Harley Quinn yelled from across the tank, before getting her face kicked in by Catwoman.

Joker shrugged and stood up, taking a comedically big fork out of his suit pocket and aiming it at Batman. Batman grabbed the fork away and kicked Joker in the chest. One more punch to the face put Joker on the ground unconscious.

Batman looked over and found Catwoman finishing off Harley Quinn. Robin was putting handcuffs on Poison Ivy and rounding up the others to take back to Arkham. Suddenly, he fell to the ground screaming and clawing at his face, and Batman's eyes darted over to find the Scarecrow, decked out in his brown costume and holding a scythe.

"I knew the clown couldn't pull off the job." Scarecrow hissed, his voice distorted from his gas mask. "I suppose the only person who can truly spread fear is fear himself."

"I'll take care of this one." Catwoman smirked, grabbing a gas mask off Batman's belt and walking over to Scarecrow for a good beat-down.

 **THE NEXT MORNING...**

Bruce Wayne, billionaire philanthropist, went through Wayne Manor and making sure everything was in place for his guests. Selina sat on the couch eating the chips before anyone else could and asked with her mouth full, "When's everyone going to get here?"

Alfred, the Wayne Manor butler for thirty years, walked by and swatted Cat off the couch so he could dust. "You know, Miss Kyle, you could help."

"Why? You're getting paid to clean, aren't you?" Cat asked.

Alfred sighed and growled, "You aren't getting paid to sneak out every night to your secret job, yet you do it anyway, don't you?"

"So? Bruce sneaks out every night to his secret job too, and you don't complain about that."

Then, the doorbell rung. Cat cocked her brow at Alfred, who growled like a bear and went to get the door. After he left, Bruce came back in the room and smiled excitedly. He ran down to peek at the secret entrance to the Batcave while Cat was in the other room and yelled, "Richard, come back up here!"

"Okay, Bruce!" Richard said. "Let me just finish up something in the Batcave."

They listened to the sounds of something being thrown at Alfred's face, hysterical manic laughter, and knew the guests were here. The first people to run into the study and give Bruce a big hug were Jack and Harley, both not having changed a bit.

"Brucey, I missed you!" Harley squeaked. "I haven't seen you in like three years or something!"

"I missed you too." Jack grinned. "Your giant house gave me purpose."

Bruce smiled at his two friends and pulled them off of himself. "It's good to see you two. You're still together?"

Harley nodded. "We have a place together. Mister J bought it off of a blackjack dealer with one hand and an eyepatch."

The front door opened again, and Cat looked over to see Ivy and Jonny walking in. Cat jumped up to hug them both and grinned, "Aww, the memories. They feel good."

Alfred came back into the study to see the seven together again after three years apart, and suddenly had terrible flashbacks of their childhoods. He went to go fetch some tea while the six friends got caught up.

Jack jumped on the old couch and hugged the cushions, sighing, "I missed this chair. Hey, now that we're all here, why don't we all move back in?!" he cheered, while Alfred started silently crying in the next room.

"I'm all for that." Bruce said, "Why not!"

The six cheered and started to get out the food and drinks. Cat put on a movie and they were all ready to have some serious nostalgia when Richard came back up the stairs of the secret entrance holding Bruce's batsuit. "Hey, Bruce, you left your suit on the..." he stopped as he realized there were people watching and slowly put the batsuit down.

"You're Batman?" Jack yelled, jumping up in surprise. He didn't see Ivy behind him. Ivy tripped backwards and would have fallen on the ground if two plant vines didn't erupt from the ground and help her back on her feet.

"You're Poison Ivy!" Harley exclaimed, making Cat jerk in surprise. She was holding a cup of water and splashed it all on Jack, making his makeup wash away to reveal his true white skin and green hair.

"You're the Joker!" Bruce gasped, stepping backwards in shock.

"She's Harley Quinn!" Jack stuttered, pointing at Harley and making her feel extremely betrayed right then. She pushed Jack backwards and made him fall on Jonny. Jonny instinctively pulled his sleeve back, revealing four syringes of fear toxin on his fingers.

"You're the Scarecrow?" Harley asked.

"I'm Robin." Richard said sheepishly in the corner of the room.

Everyone stood around confused, and Jack asked, "Who the hell is Robin?"

Selina sighed and stood up. "If it helps, I'm Catwoman."

"What, you're not in shock?" Ivy asked.

Selina laughed for a minute. "Just think about everything we know about each other. Was this really _that_ hard to figure out?"

The seven of them stood warily around each other, making sure none of them made any sudden moves, while at the same time thinking about Bruce's dead parents, Selina's love of cats, Jack's evil laughter, Harley's name and occupation, Ivy's talking to plants, and Jonny's personality, and deciding it was really obvious in retrospect.

"So..." Jack started, breaking the awkward silence, "We can still hang out, right?"

All seven of them started thinking. Cat shrugged, "Okay."

"Yeah, nothing wrong with that." Ivy said.

Bruce sighed, "Yep. Besides, it's not like you could ever kill me anyway."

"Hey!" Jack growled. "I could totally kill you if I wanted."

Selina laughed, "So last night when we totally kicked your butt, you just didn't want it bad enough?"

The seven stared at Alfred as he walked in the room with some tea and was met with deadly silence. He looked around and asked, "Why are you all staring at me like that?"

"So what's he?" Jonny asked. "Is he Superman?"

"No, he's just my butler." Bruce said.

"How do we know that?" Cat asked. "For all we know, he could be the Penguin or the Riddler or the Flamingo."

Alfred put down his tray and sighed at the stupidity in the room. "So... you don't think that Oswald 'The Penguin' Cobblepot is the Penguin? Or Edward _Nygma_ is the Riddler?"

"Sounds like just the kind of thing the Riddler would ask." Harley sneered.

"You kids have not changed at all, have you?" Alfred sighed, walking off to his bedroom to grab some Tylenol.

Ivy shook her head and said, "Hey, Sean hung with us a lot. Where's he now?"

"Oh, I know." Bruce said. "He has a costume now too. He became the-"

* * *

 _"_ _Okay, what was that?" Jack yelled, swatting the storybook out of Cat's hands. "So in your version of the future, I'm a failed supervillain? And I live with Harley?!"_

 _"_ _What?" Cat asked. "Come on, tell me that's not what you picture us doing in the future?"_

 _Bruce shrugged, "Yeah, that sounds pretty good."_

 _Cat smiled and kissed him quick on the cheek. "At least someone likes my story."_

 _The kids kept asking questions about the story until Alfred walked into the study and prepared for something ridiculous as he reluctantly asked them, "What are you kids doing?"_

 _"_ _Oh, Alfred!" Harley gasped. "You're just in time to wish the readers a happy new year!"_

 _"_ _What?"_

 _On cue, all the kids turned to the camera and cheered, "Happy new year from all of us and have a great 2016!"_

 **Well, I know that wasn't a conventional chapter, but I hope you liked it. I know you've heard a billion of these, but I'm saying it anyway. You guys mean everything to a writer like me and I hope you're ready for a fantastic 2016. Some chapters I have in store or am working on: What happened to Silver, some backstory for your favorite characters, a trip to Alfred's old military base, a Bullock-babysitting chapter, and more! Stay tuned, and have a great new year!**


	70. Rules 426-430

**Well, this day has finally come. Cats are chasing dogs, water is dripping up, the sun is shining in Gotham! Just kidding, it's just that FanWriter83 and I have traded formats for the day! I'm writing five rules and FanWriter83 is writing a diary entry, but it's not opposite day. (But feel free to read this upside-down with your clothes on backwards.) Without further ado, I proudly present rules 426-430!**

* * *

 **#426. I'm not allowed to bug Alfred until he lets me go to his special event.**

Alfred had a perfect plan. He was going to tell Bruce about his military reunion and whisk him away to it before he could tell Selina. Unfortunately, Bruce was not good at keeping secrets. Within a few minutes of Selina's 'interrogation,' she knew all about the military reunion.

"Alfred, Alfred, Alfred," Selina yips, jumping up and down while the poor butler washes his dishes. "Can I come to the military reunion?"

"What did you do to that poor boy?" Alfred asks, a bit concerned.

Selina shrugs, "There was a lot of tickling. But can I come?"

"I really don't think that-"

Then, Selina fell on the ground and started mewling like a cat extremely loudly, grabbing at Alfred's ankles and screeching like a dying kitten.

 **5 MINUTES LATER...**

Jack and Sean walk into the study to find Alfred trying to eat cereal and read a magazine while Selina is sprawled across his lap, groping his face and screeching miserably.

 **10 MINUTES LATER...**

Bruce is trying to pack for the trip and goes to ask Alfred about something. He walks into Alfred's room to find Selina stuffing herself into Alfred's suitcase and meowing miserably at Alfred's feet.

 **15 MINUTES LATER...**

Alfred is dragging Selina on his foot as he heads to the car, followed by Bruce. The butler soon realizes that he cannot drive with Selina hanging on his leg and finally sighs, "Fine, Miss Kyle, you can come."

Selina gets up, brushes herself off, and runs back in the house screaming, "Jack! Sean! Annie! We're going to England!"

* * *

 **#427. I'm not allowed to blend in with the natives, even though my accent was totally on point.**

Fresh off the airplane and stepping foot in England for the first time, Selina puts a monocle over her eye and steps out to meet Alfred's old military buddies. They were at the airport to take him to the reunion.

"Hello, old chaps, my name is Kitty Whiskersnobbins, and I'm an old friend of Mr. Pennyworth's." Selina says, approaching Alfred's friends with her best (but not good enough) British accent. Alfred's friends look at her weird.

Alfred grabs Selina's arm and growls, "Miss Kyle, what have I said about trying to use my British accent?"

Selina whines to Alfred, not dropping her accent, "But Old Chum, I daresay a load of baccy with your aces would simply be the dog's bullocks!"

"Do you even know what that means?"

"Blast it all, our cheeky butler has been gobsmacked, bloody hell!"

"Are you just saying random words that sound British?"

"Codswallop, I merely shot a dekko at young Bruce's trousers while he's snuffing a lolly, mate!"

Alfred sighed, "You just said you're staring at Bruce's pants while he's killing a truck."

"Yes, yes I did."

* * *

 **#428. Under no circumstances am I allowed to provoke Sean while he's near the weapons.**

The whole crew was at the military base. Alfred was too busy hanging with his old friends to notice the kids wandering around the base. While there, the kids learned something new; that there was no decent bathroom anywhere on the base.

"I need to pee really bad!" Sean whined sheepishly, bouncing back and forth a bit.

Bruce sighed, "Why didn't you go back at the house?"

"You've never peed on the street, so you can't judge."

Annie shrugged, "There are bushes over there. We won't look."

Sean glared at the entire group for a bit, before hopping over to the bushes and unzipping his pants. Selina, meanwhile, went off looking for the military base's security camera controls. Apparently, they had security cameras aimed at the bushes. The rest of the kids stayed in place awkwardly chatting.

Two minutes later, the others watched as Sean chased Selina all over the base to get the photo, eventually chasing her into a weapons facility. They watched nervously as Selina ran back over to them and Sean put his hand on a grenade.

"Hey, Annie?" Selina grinned. "Want to see a really cool picture of Sean?"

"You show her that, and I detonate this grenade!" Sean yelled. "I'm not bluffing!"

"Neither am I." Selina smirked, shaking the photo in her hands. The two were in standoff for a good few minutes, until Selina got tired and flicked her wrist just enough to show Annie.

Meanwhile, in another part of the base, there was an alert that a grenade had went off. Alfred grabbed his friends, a few guns, and ran to the location of the emergency, where he found Selina, Bruce, Jack, Sean, and Annie standing with shocked expressions on their faces. Their clothes were burnt, their faces were covered in black dust, and Selina was holding a pile of burnt paper in her hands.

* * *

 **#429. I am no longer allowed to travel back in time to visit Alfred's prime military days.**

After a long conversation with their time-travelling best friend, Selina and the gang huddle around Annie and get ready to travel back in time to –

"Wait, how old is Alfred?" Sean asks.

Selina shrugs, "I thought he was like a hundred years old."

After a madcap adventure to find out how old Alfred was, the kids went back in time thirty years to Alfred's times in Her Majesty's Royal Air Force.

* * *

 **#230. I am not allowed to mess with young Alfred while he's flying a plane.**

Thirty years ago, young Alfred Pennyworth flies a jet deep into enemy territory and now must immediately exit the territory chased by angry jets flown by Frenchmen. Suddenly, his communications system comes on, and a deep female voice came on. Little did he know it was coming from Selina Kyle, his future foster child.

"Is this Captain Pennyworth?" Selina asks.

"Yes." Alfred says. "I'm deep in enemy territory, being pursued by three F-11 French jets. Do I have permission to regroup?"

"One thing first. I'd like to order a large gluten-free pizza with olives and green peppers."

Alfred soon realizes that the person on the line does not work for the military. "Who are you? Get off this line right now!"

"I know, you're right." Selina says, trying not to laugh. "But Jack can't have gluten. Ooh! Let's get a regular pizza with olives and green peppers, and a mini-pan with ham and squash blossoms. You guys still have the delivery guarantee, right?"

"I am being chased by French fighter jets, now get off this line right now!"

"Fine, I'll get French food. Don't expect a decent tip." Selina says, hanging up the line and falling to the ground, laughing with her friends.

* * *

 **Which one was your favorite? Follow, favorite, review, (Or as I like to call it, subscribe, like, and comment, #YouTube reference) and go check out FanWriter83's diary entry in Things I'm Not Allowed To Do at Wayne Manor!**


	71. Rules 430-435

**Second crossover based on FanWriter's diary entry! At the end of this comes some fun news about an Ornelina Trilogy. (Get it? Ornelas? Selina?)**

* * *

 **#431. I'm not allowed to break Alfred's news for him. I think he was going to phrase it differently.**

The mailman tiptoes cautiously up to the front door of Wayne Manor. He knew exactly who lived there. He lifted the lid off the mail slot, careful not to make a single sound to alert... the cat.

Suddenly, a blinding fury of black leather and giggles jumps on his shoulders and pulls his hair. After fifteen whole minutes of 'playing' with the mailman, he runs away screaming and Selina grabs the mail from the box, seeing a military crest on it.

A little bit later, Alfred is walking in when Selina reads the letter about the military reunion out loud and is accidentally heard by everyone in the manor. Alfred is not having a good morning.

* * *

 **#432. I'm not allowed to travel back in time to visit Alfred's old military base (And apparently, just no time travel in general.)**

Alfred had snatched the letter back and stormed up to his bedroom, wondering when Detective Gordon was going to do something about Selina. Meanwhile, Selina, Bruce, Jack, Harley, Jonny, Ivy, Sean, and Annie were sitting around the study angrily.

"Can you believe that Alfred doesn't want us on his military base?!" Selina yells, her arms crossed. No one else really knew why she was that angry.

Annie shrugs, "Hey, we could always travel back in time and see him."

Everyone looks up and stares for a while until Selina jumps up and exclaims, "That's a great idea!"

"That's a horrible idea." Sean says.

Selina inches closer to Sean putting her finger on his lips to make him quiet, and kept planning her scheme. "Okay, so first we have to travel back to... wait, how old is Alfred?"

Bruce shrugged, "He once said that he had more experience and wisdom than all of us combined, right?"

"So..." Selina calculates in her head. "He's a hundred and twelve years old? Sounds right. Okay, Annie, do your magic!"

Annie is just about ready to transport everyone back in time, but at the last second, Captain Barnes storms into the manor and asks the kids a question about a case.

* * *

 **#433. I am not allowed to warp the space-time continuum by bringing Captain Egg-Head back in time.**

"What?!" Barnes yells, looking around himself. He and the kids are in the eighties in a military base in England. While the kids scrambled around excitedly, Barnes grabs Selina's arm and screams, "Where are we?! What have you done?!"

"We're in seventy's London!" Selina beams. "I thought you'd recognize it. Aren't you like a hundred years old?"

Barnes growls, "I'm fourty-five!"

"And I'm ninety. See? I can lie about my age too."

Barnes runs over to the others to keep them from running around the place. Selina walks over and puts an arm around Annie's shoulder with a huge grin and says, "Now let's go see our friend Alfred."

"I think Ivy is about to push Jack off that building." Annie whispers with a concerned voice.

"That's not important right now, focus on Alfred!"

 **#434. I am not allowed to meet Alfred in the prime of his life (because he's spent too much time with me already)**

* * *

Fifty-ish years ago, Alfred is waking up in his bed when suddenly, a little girl wearing a black leather jacket suddenly appears in his bedroom, followed by her friend. Annie and Selina spot Alfred lying in bed and wave hi to him. The bewildered young man jolts up and asks, "Who are you?"

"I'm Cat." Selina says. "The kids playing with acid in your bathroom are Jack and Harley."

Alfred jumps up and goes to check out his bathroom, stalled by Jonny and Ivy, who are 'exploring'. Sean, who is not yet used to time travel, is wandering around staring at his surroundings, while Captain Barnes is angrily chasing Selina to get him back to 1990-something.

"Are you happy yet?" Annie asks Selina.

She nods. "Yup. Alfred used to have more hair. Now let's get back to the future!"

* * *

 **#235. I am not allowed to bring Alfred to the past. (Who doesn't like dinosaurs?)**

Alfred Pennyworth, butler to the Waynes and unwilling guardian of too many children, wakes up in the morning and stretches his arms, ready for whatever the day could throw at him.

Then, he realizes that he's somehow in the cretaceous period, and far away, Penguin is running towards him being chased by velociraptors. Frantically, Alfred whips out the gun that he keeps under his apron (of course) and shoots some dinosaurs. Penguin catches up to the butler, and the two try to scale a tree to get away from the hungry raptors.

Meanwhile, a safe distance away, the kids are staring at the tree that Penguin and Alfred are trapped in.

"Should we help them?" Sean asks.

Selina shrugs. "Jack, what do you got?"

The manic boy grins, "I have these bombs that explode and rain down fire ants that shoot spikes from their tails."

"Eh, what else do you got?"

"Stole some sonic bombs from Old Man Cheeves."

"That'll work. We should probably warn... eh, Alfred will know to cover his ears. He's seen plenty of sonic bombs, right? After all, he has more life experience than all of us combined."

Jack throws the bomb, and knocks the raptors unconscious. Alfred apparently did not have enough life experience, as his ears get temporarily blown out and he falls out of the tree.

 **Which one was your favorite? Follow, favorite, review, (Or as I like to call it, subscribe, like, and comment, #YouTube reference) and go check out FanWriter83's diary entry in Things I'm Not Allowed To Do at Wayne Manor! Also, I wanted to let you guys know that an Ornelina trilogy is totally coming. As soon as I think of a way to make that happen. Because right now in my story, Cat's with Bruce and Sean thinks Cat has cooties, so let me know if you think of a way for this to happen. Also, this is a light-hearted story, so there will be no killing of Bruce, no brainwashing of Sean, no dynamic-changing murder, etc. Etc.**

 **Finally, go check out my new story, The Secret Files of Harvey Bullock, and me and FanWriter's new collab story, coming soon...**


	72. Whatever Happened To Silver?

**Hi, everyone! So, I know that the way Silver left in chapter 67 wasn't really satisfying for a lot of people, so... just pretend this chapter is number 68. Also, I needed a way to set up the Ornelina trilogy, so I just killed two birds with one stone! Also, I thought of a way to do that, and the entire trilogy is narrated by Bullock. Thanks for all your suggestions, I got an overwhelming amount in such a short time! (Also, a bunch of really sexually explicit things you want Selina and Sean to do. My message to those people; I'm a teenage boy, and you made me read your reviews, so...)**

 _Sean was sitting on the roof of the manor reading a magazine. Cat tried sneaking up on him, but he was on a very creaky roof, so it was obvious. Still, he was getting tired of it, and decided to pretend to be surprised to make Selina feel good._

 _"_ _Howdy, guess what we have!" Cat grinned, jumping into Sean's lap. " It's Alfred's diary!"_

 _"_ _I don't think that we should-"_

 _"_ _Oh, shut up and start reading."_

Dear Diary,

Today, I got the phone call from Detective Gordon that ruined my day and possibly made Miss Kyle's. I wasn't sure if she was really mad or really happy. Either way, we got a phone call that Miss St. Cloud was missing, and her last will and testament gifted her penthouse to the Waynes.

"Wait, so we own the Galavan's penthouse now?" Miss Pepper asked.

Miss Kyle started to crack a grin, and I got worried. "And so all the earthly and most prized possessions of our mortal enemy are under our care and we can do whatever we want with it?"

I was surprised how quickly the kids could grab their weapons and get in the car to drive to the penthouse.

Mister Ornelas came down from the bedroom too. For someone who wasn't staying at the manor, he was staying here an awful lot. He seemed confused as to why the others were taking such joy at the prospect of destroying her stuff, but they'd have the car ride to explain. With the seven in the limo and Richard in the baby seat, we were off to the Galavan's penthouse.

When we got there, the kids tripped over each other to get in and stumbled through the door. It didn't look like anyone had been in there since the Galavans left. There was some blood on the floor and a leftover parachute under a closet that someone had forgotten about. There was also a man in a business suit getting me to sign for custody of the penthouse.

Five minutes later, I was still signing papers when Miss Kyle barged into the room wearing one of Miss St. Cloud's white dresses, doing an impression of Miss St. Cloud by making her voice crack. "Oh hi, I'm Silver. Oh Bruce, you're so cute and pretty. Do you want to play with me? We can play Pictionary with the lies I stuff in my bra."

The accountant stared at me weird, but I've gotten used to that. I sighed and said, "Miss Kyle, if the only reason you're here is to showboat, I-"

"Nope." Miss Kyle grinned. "I'm also here to tell on Jack."

Of course, I had to run over and go up the stairs to the top floor, leaving the businessman to read over his files again, and find Mister Kerr half-way through hoarding a bunch of Miss St. Cloud's undergarments. He froze with his eyes wide open and grinned, "Silver's gonna come back one day and be like, 'Where are all my clothes?'."

Then, of course, I saw Mister Crane grabbing an investigation poster full of pictures of Master Bruce, and he said, "Remember this? That girl was so disturbed. Not in a good way."

I sighed, "Where's Master Bruce?"

Miss Pepper pulled her head out of a makeup table with white makeup messily drawn on her face and shrugged, "He's going through some emotional stuff."

I nodded. Of course Master Bruce would be having a hard time right then. Of course, Mister Ornelas wasn't in a destructive mood, so he just sat on the corner of the bed while Mister Crane was cutting up the fabric with hedge clippers. Miss Quinzel walked out of the walk-in closet holding a doll that looked like Master Bruce with lipstick smeared on its face.

"This girl was seriously messed up." She said. "Hey, who wants to guess where she is right now?"

Mister Kerr raised his hand. "I bet after she ran away, she fell onto a car's windshield, got arrested, and is now desperately hanging onto her soap in prison."

Mister Crane sighed, "I bet she's hiding in a well with a bag of makeup and an existential crisis."

I turned around when I heard someone come in behind me, and found it was Master Bruce holding a white envelope in his hand, looking like he'd just seen a ghost.

"What's he holding?" Miss Pepper asked.

Master Bruce pulled a CD out of the envelope. He flipped it over and read, 'The last will and testament of Silver St. Cloud'. We all stared in awe as he popped the CD into a laptop, clicked some things, and made a video appear on the screen.

All the video showed was Miss St. Cloud sitting in front of the camera on her bed speaking. No one said a word as she started on her message. "If you're watching this, it means I'm dead. Or I was forced to flee the city and am likely to return soon. If so, I have a message for Bruce Wayne. I am so sorry about everything. I know that you won't believe me, and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life, and I am deeply sorry for whatever happened to you.

"I want to give my penthouse, all my worldly possessions, and all my family's money to the Waynes. If you die, I only hope that the new owner of the company can use the money to save the company and better the city. I know you really care about that. I don't know what happened to me, but I'll die regretting everything I've ever done, so at least you can die knowing you're leaving this world better than I am. That's all."

The video turned to black, and the CD popped out. Miss Kyle sighed, "Wow."

"She gave us everything she had." Mister Ornelas gasped.

Miss Quinzel nodded. "Does anyone else feel bad?"

"Not really." Mister Kerr shrugged, throwing an expensive white vase out the window with a loud shattering sound.

"What are you gonna do with the money?" Miss Pepper asked.

Master B thought for a bit. "I guess I'll sell this place and give the money to charity. Maybe I'll fund the police department or-"

"Ooh!" Mister Kerr yelped. "You could donate it to homeless children!"

"You're a homeless child." Master Bruce said.

"Exactly."

Master Bruce turned to me and said, "Alfred, can you take me to city hall?"

"Of course." I nodded, and we were off to go save the city.


	73. The Ornelina Trilogy (Part One)

**Okey dokey, so here's the general vibe I'm getting from your reviews. A) You guys underestimate the intelligence of teenage boys. I said teenage, not twelve. B) You want this to be Rated M, which is not going to happen. Just saying that right now, no underage children will be banging each other, so get it out of your heads, and C) You want some genuine romance between these two. That one was hard, because the Jalina and SilverBat chapters were really silly and weird. I guess a challenge is good, so I'll try to put some romance in, but this first chapter is a lot of set-up, so there will be more romance in part two and three.**

 _Sean looked at Cat weirdly as Bruce was making his way up to the ceiling. Bruce gave Sean a look that said 'just go with it' and Sean was forced to keep reading._

Dear Diuh yeah no, I'm not writing a freaking diary entry.

Hey, Alf. It's Bullock. Remember when you told me to babysit the kids and write everything that happened in a diary entry? Well, here you go.

You know about the part where You and Bruce went across the city for some charity or financial thing and were going to be staying at a hotel for three days or whatever so you ditched me with the kids to babysit. Well, last night, I was drunk or something and maybe kind of... crashed my Porsche into the side of a school. Well, that school turned out to be Ander's Prep, and to make me pay for the damages, I was supposed to be an assistant teacher for three days. And guess who's class I got?

I think this was Sean's first day at school too. I could tell because it took all five of the other kids to get him in the car and that Scarecrow kid's gas to knock him out. Then when we got to the school, he agreed to stay because they were serving tater tots in the cafeteria.

So, I made my way to the classroom where I was assistant teaching, and found my boss for the day, Mr. Zeus. He was this skinny old dude with lightning bolt tattoos and a bunch of greek mythology stuff in his class. You know, basic supervillain fuel.

He showed me the ropes and all that and made me hand out paper. Then, the class came in, which included Cat, Sean, Jack, and Ivy. Mr. Zeus couldn't quiet them down, so I used my gun on the ceiling a few times, and class started.

"Okay, class." Mr. Zeus started. "This is my teaching assistant, Mr. Bullock." I had a gun in my hand, so no one laughed. "Today for Health class, we're starting a new project. Professor Strange says that you kids know nothing about relationships, leading to teen marriage, teen birth, teen divorce, and consequently, childhood trauma which spawns vigilantes that meddle in my evil plans – I mean... business plans! So, your assignment is to be married to-"

At the back of the class, Jack's hand shot up. "Can I be married to Sean?"

Mr. Zeus sighed, "No, you have to be partners with the person next to you."

Ivy, who was sitting beside Jack, silently stood up, expressionlessly, and walked out of the class without a word.

Mr. Zeus shook his head. "Anyway, you will be given an object to take care of like a baby, and will be guided through a series of events over the next few days to show you the realities of marriage."

And then Cat raised her hand. "Mr. Zeus? I'm sitting next to Sean, does that mean we're partners?"

"Yes, it does." Mr. Zeus said.

"Follow-up question." Cat asked. "If we have a baby, does that mean we had sex?"

The entire class was silent, except for Jack, who was laughing way too hard. I was totally not also laughing, BTW. Mr. Zeus' eyes widened, and he said, "It's just a fake item that will serve as a baby, and don't say that."

"Why can't I talk about me and Sean having sex?"

"Selina, stop saying that!"

"Why? I'm just asking if Sean and I have had sex in this."

"SELINA! I SWEAR, IF YOU SAY THAT WORD ONE MORE TIME-"

"Fine, geez, I just wanted to know if I've had sex with Sean."

"I give up." Mr. Zeus sighed, throwing his arms up. His eye twitched slightly. May I add that while this was happening, Sean was sitting there extremely awkwardly and leaning away from Cat just a bit? Also, Jack was laughing hysterically while everyone else just stared.

Mr. Zeus looked at me and said, "Mr. Bullock, will you please hand out the rubrics and pretend babies?"

I walked around and handed out a bunch of toy dolls to a bunch of same-sex and interracial couples (Not that there's anything wrong with that, I fully support LGBT and interracial marriage, so don't spam me with hate reviews) and watched a few students regretting their seating choices. I got to Jack and some random girl who was very scared of his evil laughing, and finally got to Cat and Sean.

"We don't need a hypothetical baby, Alfred." Cat grinned. "We have Richard! Just leave his care to us."

"No, actually we'll take a hypothetical baby." Sean said. "Hypothetical babies don't barf and cry and pee and eat."

Cat flirtingly pushed Sean. I think not having Bruce around is driving her hormone level up. "Come on, Sean. It'll be fun. We can have hypothetical weddings and hypothetical dates and hypothetical-"

"I see why Alfred finds you annoying." I said, and threw a fake doll at Cat. Then, I gave a doll to Jack and his partner. As soon as I turned my back, he called me again, and I found that he had somehow snapped the head off the doll.

"I need another one." he grinned. I sighed and gave him another doll. Once again, I turned my back, he called me again, and he had somehow snapped the legs off the doll. I was really wondering how Richard survived for so long. I just gave the doll to his terrified partner and went back to Zeus. I was told to watch the brats while he went to get coffee. It was actually very amusing.

First was Jack's partner, who by the end of the class, was crying in the corner while he was holding the charred remains of his baby doll. Then there was Selina, who spent the entire class teasing Sean about marriage and cooking and taking care of babies. He was in a public classroom and could not fight her off, but apparently, Cat had no such shame.

Finally, the bell rung and the kids left, Jack's terrified partner being the first to run away screaming. Sean hobbled away uncomfortably, and when all the kids left, Cat came back in and whispered, "Thanks for pairing me up with Sean."

"Actually, you paired yourself up with-"

"I think he really likes me. I can see it in his eyes."

"Whatever you say, Cat."

"So why are you the teaching assistant?"

"YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING!" The jig was up. I ran away to the parking lot to drive home, but my car was gone. I guess that's how Ivy got away.


	74. The Ornelina Trilogy (Part Two)

**In case you have not read the previous part or forgotten, this is still narrated from Bullock's POV.**

" _You read this diary a lot, don't you?" Sean asked._

 _Selina nodded. "Look, it's getting to a good part!"_

Sigh, day two of taking care of too many children. Hey, Alf, it's Bullock, and so far the kids have been pretty focused on themselves. I had to complete my second day of teaching, this time as Professor Strange's assistant/butler, but I got home, Sean got a ride with me, and I think that's where you want to start reading about.

Sean and I drove home together in an extremely awkward car ride (We have a history that you don't want to know about) and when we got out of the car ready to enter the mansion, Harley and Jonny were standing outside with a video camera.

"Why are you filming this?" I asked.

Harley grinned, "We're not. We're filming the show that's going to follow."

"Does it involve me?" I said.

"Nope."

"Then I don't care."

I unlocked the door for the kids, and was immediately greeted with the sight of Cat wearing an apron, rocking Richard with her arms and trying to clean the floor with one of her feet. I would be proud if the house was not significantly messier than it was before she started cleaning. As soon as she laid eyes on Sean, she yelled, "Where were you all day?!"

Sean was taken aback by the question, while Harley zoomed her lens in more. "I was at school. Were you _not_ supposed to be at school?"

"No!" Cat screamed, while I awkwardly watched. "I was at home all day taking care of the baby, cooking, cleaning, and what were you doing? Out gallivanting with your friends!"

"I just said I was at school. I was learning, and the class is over. You don't have to keep pretending to be married to me."

"Really, Sean?!" Cat screeched. "You leave at home all day with the baby, and then you tell me our marriage was never real?! Why don't we just break up?"

Sean tried looking to us for advice, but gone none. "Because... one – we're not really married, and two – because we'd fail this project."

Cat put down the baby, who was making oblivious baby sounds, and ran up to Sean, poking his chest. "Is that all our marriage is to you? A bunch of numbers?! I thought you loved me!"

"When have I ever said that?"

"Fine! Then maybe I'll tell Professor Strange that you weren't doing your job and he'll fail you."

"I really don't care if I fail-"

"Then it's over. I can't believe I ever thought I loved you!"

Sean turned to me with a weird look on his face and asked, "What should I do?"

I shrugged, "One of the most important things in marriage is the ability to apologize for no reason."

"But why?"

"It'll make things better, I promise."

"Please don't promise things to me ever again."

Once again, that's a long story you don't want to know about. Sean turned back to Cat and sighed, "Umm... I'm sorry, I guess?"

Cat thought for a while. "Hmm... I guess I can accept your apology. If you take off your shirt."

We were all quiet for a second. I'd like to add that Harley never stopped rolling her camera. Sean took a deep breath and said, "I'm not going to take off my shirt."

"Sean, I love you, but if you don't take off your shirt right now, you're sleeping on the couch."

"I've been sleeping on the streets for the last six years."

"Good to know. Most accidents happen on the street."

Sean turned to me again and whispered, "Can you help me here?"

I must admit, at this point I had no idea what to do. The closest thing I'd done to babysitting was making Jim soup when he was sick, and he was so sick that I just gave him some grass in a bowl of water and he ate it all. And so I did what any normal parent would do and sat down to crack open a can of beer. Cat grinned, "I'm waiting..."

"Don't worry." Harley grinned, whispering to Sean. "Cat's already seen all you boys naked."

"What?" Sean asked. "Really? When?!"

Harley shrugged. "Except for Jonny. He never takes his clothes off for some reason. I'm guessing Jack has also seen you naked, but that's okay."

Extremely awkwardly and reluctantly, Sean unbuttoned his shirt and slowly slipped it off, Cat never taking her eyes off of him. I will not describe his body on account of him being thirteen and me being forty-nine, but let's just say Cat was pretty impressed.

"Okay." Cat smiled. "I'm gonna take off my shirt now."

"You don't have to do that." Sean said.

"But I want to."

"Please no."

"If you don't want me to, feel free to leave."

"Just don't." I'd like to add that despite his protesting, Sean did not leave the room.

"The jacket's coming off."

"Cat, this is extremely inappropriate."

"Once again, feel free to leave the room if you don't want to see my boobs."

"I really don't want you to." And he still did not leave the room, by the way.

"It's completely undone and coming off right now. Three..."

"Please stop."

"Two..."

"I mean it."

"One..."

Harley, Jonny and I left the room, while Sean was frozen in his spot, having not left the room. Some things I learned that day – Sean's abs can be likened to those of Taylor Lautner's, Baby Richard has seen two of his seven parents shirtless, and Cat does not wear bras.

I think they bonded a bit over that, because today's second romp involved going to a street kid club that only opened a few days ago. If I were on duty, I'd be suspicious about how quickly it opened, but I'm not so I'm not. They made me drive them there once the sun went down, and it turned out to be just like the parking lot of my old Catholic school; full of drugs, black leather, and religious fervor.

Cat and Sean jumped out of the car and Cat smiled at me, "Thanks, Bully! Alfred would have never drove me."

"Are you going to get drunk?"

Sean thought for a while. "No."

"Why not?" I asked.

"I love you, Harvelicious." Cat grinned, holding one of Sean's hands and skipping happily towards the place. Sean stayed back with a concerned face.

"You know the door is closed, right?" he asked.

For a second, Cat adopted Jack's grin and ran off towards the door while he waited beside me. We watched as she ran up to the side of the building, grabbed onto a pipe on the wall and climbed up the side of the building, flipping up onto the roof and disappearing down a vent.

"Whoa." Sean quietly gasped with a surprised and impressed face, and I couldn't stop myself from laughing.

"You like her, don't you?"

"What, no! She's gross!"

"Sean, when I was your age, I had a crush on this girl. I thought she was a pansy, so I pretended to hate her for years, and now we're adults and she's moved on. If I was you and I even remotely liked Cat, I'd do something about it."

"What was the girl's name?"

"Leslie Thompkins. Now go and have fun!" Cat had opened the front door and was calling Sean. He ran up to the door to go join her, while I sat in the car content that I had helped a young boy fulfill his young dreams.

"Harvey?" A voice said suddenly. I turned back to see Jim wearing black leather and guyliner, a pathetic Mohawk on his head.

"Jim?!" I yelled too loudly. "What are you doing here?!"

"I'm undercover." Jim whispered, leaning into the open window of the car. "I'm trying to bust this illegal street club. What are you doing here?"

"Umm... not sending two kids to an illegal street-" at which point, I drove away as fast as possible, making Jim fall over and whoever collected from the garbage bins in front of the car go out of business.


	75. The Ornelina Trilogy (Part Three)

**Remember, still narrated by Detective Bullock. I tried to use as many of your suggestions as possible, but most of them were requested by guests. Enjoy!**

 _Cat pointed to a funny part in the diary for Sean and laughed, "Look, this is the part with... oh wait. Bruce is here." She grinned._

This was my final day of babysitting. I was actually kind of sad about leaving. But if I was going to leave, I was going to leave after helping a young boy find true love, something fate so cruelly denied me when I was a child. That's why I was so happy when I found out that on my final day of teaching assistant at Ander's Prep, I was chaperoning the last day of the marriage project, which happened to be a dance.

It turned out that Ivy was cooking so I didn't have to do what I was going to do – make the kids a breakfast of cold noodles and water. Unfortunately, Ivy was a vegan, so that's basically what we had anyway. The morning's real fun started when I came upstairs to see if the kids wanted a ride to school and found Cat staring through a little peep hole in the bathroom door.

"Shhhhh." she said when I came up. "Sean's in there. His everything is like twice the size of Bruce's."

"Who thought it was a good idea to build a peep-hole in a bathroom door?" I asked, but she didn't care. "You know, I think Sean likes you a little. He's just a bit guarded."

"That's perfect!" Cat grinned. "I'm guarded too!"

"No, you're not." I said.

"Yes I am."

"The last time we ordered a pizza, you gave the delivery guy a half-hour speech about how puberty was affecting you."

"His name was Phil."

"Not every guy named Phil is Dr. Phil!" I sighed, giving up on the girl. "Anyway, I think Sean likes you, but he just needs a little push."

"I'm great at pushing!" which was the first sentence she said all day that made sense. Anyhow, the kids got in my police car and I drove them to school, and it was very amusing seeing the other people's reaction to a cop car pulling up to their school. The kids ran off to their respective classes for a few minutes and I went to the classroom to set up before the bell rung.

Mr. Zeus gave me all the instructions. We'd give them their final exams and report sheets and then get them to the gym to celebrate with a party, which was really just so Mr. Zeus wouldn't have to teach for an hour. I commend this man's teaching style.

After which, the students came in and I handed out their exams. They finished in maybe ten minutes and handed them back to me. I couldn't help but peek at some of them. Cat's was a very detailed drawing of Sean shirtless, while Jack's was a sketch of his partner pregnant. The assignment was to write an essay about the realities of marriage, so I didn't think the kids learned too much from this assignment. After, there was the dance.

Mr. Zeus had the kids write down two names on a piece of paper, who would be voted for King and Queen of Ander's Prep, who would become principals for seven minutes. Nobody really listened to the principal, so it was really more of an honor thing. I escorted the kids to the dance that turned out to be just the gym with the lights turned off and spray paint all over the walls. Jack and Harley did mention they were on the school committee. There was a small table with drinks on it, and it soon turned into an awkward middle school dance with all the boys standing on one side and all the girls standing on the other. I'd forgotten most of the couples didn't enjoy each other as much as Cat and Sean.

They were the only two that were together. I wanted them to dance, but Jack, who was the DJ, was playing heavy metal. That's why I took control of the register and gave Jack a fake turntable to play with. I decided on the theme from Titanic.

Cat instantly put her arms around Sean and started rocking back and forth, but Sean was just standing there. I suppose there weren't a lot of dances on the streets. That's when I made the decision to go over and listen to them. At this point you might think I was stalking them or something, but I just care about young love. In any case, when I ran over to secretly listen to them, I discovered something horrible.

Sean was talking about jujitsu, and Cat was feeling the opposite of sexual arousal. I needed to get them talking about another subject and fast before Cat's hormones left the building.

"Hey, guys." I said. "I just wanted to tell you that there's a button on the ceiling that releases a bunch of basketballs, so under no circumstances should you press it, okay?"

"Okay, Bullock." Cat nodded. "We won't."

Of course, as soon as I turned my back, the two of them were gone. I watched from behind a bench as my plan unfolded.

Cat and Sean had made their way to the wall where the button was, and it was nine feet off the ground so students couldn't reach it.

"Okay, do you want to get on my shoulders, or should I get on yours?" Cat asked.

There was no way Sean could have jumped without face-planting into the wall. Cat didn't wait for an answer, climbing up Sean's body and ending up sitting on his shoulders. The two stumbled around a little before Cat finally pushed the button and rained twenty basketballs down from the roof onto the heads of all the students, each ball bouncing and hitting everyone. Cat jumped down and high-hived Sean, and there were fireworks in their eyes. Or maybe that's just because I was hit in the head four times.

After that fiasco ended, Jack yelled into the microphone, "Who's ready for some karaoke?!"

After Ivy's super creepy rendition of 'Jenny From The Block,' Cat dragged Sean up to the stage and cleared her throat. There was no music playing, but Cat held the microphone up and said, "This is an original song I wrote for Sean Ornelina. I mashed up our names because it's fun!" she cleared her throat for the second time and started singing the first couple lines of Baby by Justin Bieber. It wasn't an original song, but at least it was somewhat heartfelt.

Jack cued lyrics on the screen and Sean fumbled along with Cat's terrible singing. After we cringed through a few minutes of Justin Bieber, Cat hugged Sean, and I think he was hugging her back very timidly. Like he barely even touched her, but still, it was progress.

Finally, it was time to announce the marriage king and queen. Professor Strange came in and held up his hand to get everyone's attention. The entire room quieted down and he handed me an envelope with the winning name in it.

"Withheld in this envelope are the names of the lucky two that you voted King and Queen, both of which will hold the honor of being principal for seven minutes." Professor Strange said, in a tone that said he didn't care much. "Now, to read your winner's names, please welcome Detective Harvey Bullock, who is finally done working off the damages he did to this school."

I think one person clapped for me. I stepped up, grabbed the envelope, and opened it up while everyone else held their breath. The letters peeked out over the edge of the envelope, and I didn't really care, so I just took it out and looked at it. It said Jack Kerr and Lucy Williams. I was fairly sure Jack had rigged the voting.

But then I saw them together. Jack was riding on his date's shoulders while the girl sobbed in fear onto a juice-stained dress. Surely they didn't deserve to win. And then there was Cat and Sean, and that boy was so close to achieving the dreams of love I never got.

I only had one choice. I got close to the microphone and said, "Your winners are Sean Ornelas and Cat Kyle."

Delighted, Cat held Sean's hand and dragged him up the stairs to the stage. Professor Strange handed them spray-painted crowns from the dollar store that they wore with pride. Everyone clapped as the two stood up there together and Jack set off some actual fireworks.

"So, Cat." Sean said. "After this, do you want to grab some-"

"Sean?" Cat asked. "Can you just stop talking?"

Sean stopped talking and looked a little bit insulted before Cat crashed her lips onto his. For the first time, Sean actually did something romantic and wrapped his arms around Cat, kissing her back. There was some cat-calling coming from the audience and a lot of cheering. And me? I did what any magical fairy godmother would have done and disappeared out the back door as those two crazy kids entered what surely was a night of romance.

"GAH! ALFRED! BRUCE!" I yelled, when you and Bruce suddenly appeared in front of me as I was exiting the school. "I mean... I didn't know you were coming back so soon."

And then you know this part, but I'm telling it anyway for my memoirs. Bruce put his hands on his hips and proudly said, "Three days are over! We did a lot of great charity work, but you know the biggest thing we did?"

"No, what?"

Bruce pointed straight at you and grinned, "You're standing in front of the new mayor of Gotham!"

There was a long pause as he expected me to do something, and then I remembered Cat and Sean. "Do you two mind going back to your hotel just for one more night?"

"Sure thing." You said. "But why?"

"I'm just having so much fun with the kids." I won't tell you what happened that night, but... fireworks. I am such a good person.

 **And so it ends. Yes, Alfred is the new mayor of Gotham. More chapters on that coming soon, and a little spoiler for you – Ornelina is not necessarily over...**


	76. The Reign of Mayor Pennyworth

**Aaaandddd we're back to Alfred narrating! Also, I just realized that the name Silver St. Cloud came from the phrase, 'Every cloud has a silver lining' and my mind was blown to pieces. Are your minds blown? Or am I just dumb?**

 _Cat closed the diary with a satisfied grin. "Okay, Sean. You get to pick the next lucky readers of Alfred's diary. Where do you want to go?"_

 _"_ _Actually, I think reading someone's diary is an invasion of privacy and should be-"_

 _"_ _Arkham Asylum it is!"_

Dear Diary,

Today started with Mister Kerr stopping his shower halfway and running down the stairs dripping wet with a towel on his head exclaiming, "You're the new mayor of Gotham?!"

We stared at him in shock until he realized what was wrong and went back to the bathroom.

Two minutes later, Mister Kerr stopped his shower halfway and ran down the stairs dripping wet with a towel on his head and another towel around his waist, exclaiming, "You're the new mayor of Gotham?!"

It was just Master Bruce and I downstairs. Master Bruce decided to tell the story again, of how we donated all of Miss St. Cloud's money to the city and the folks at city hall were in desperate need of leadership, so they took our donations into consideration and made Master Bruce the mayor. The fact that they thought that was a good idea explained a lot about our city's government. Master Bruce's first amendment as mayor was to give me the position so he could focus on not having a fixed career path at fourteen.

"This is perfect!" Mister Kerr shouted. "Now you can declare me the king of the universe!"

Suddenly, there was a tumble down the stairs and Miss Kyle fell down the stairs in her black underwear groaning, "Ugh, what happened last night? Why were my pants on the roof?"

We ignored her. Mister Kerr threw a pair of shorts at her and grinned at me, "So how does this whole mayor thing work? Do you claim world domination now, or is it a transitional thing?"

"It's not like that." I said. "It's mostly a lot of paperwork. I start in city hall this afternoon after they've moved out all of Mayor Galavan's things."

"But aren't you worried?" Miss Kyle asked, trying to slip a white t-shirt over her head. "Gotham's mayors don't usually have happy endings."

Mister Kerr nodded. "It's true. Mayor James was kidnapped and had his head put in a box, Mayor Galavan was beaten to death, Mayor Hayes was stabbed by criminals, Mayor Chesterfield had a degenerative disease, and Mayor Daniel Danforth Dickinson the Third had the unfortunate fate of being named Daniel Danforth Dickinson the Third."

I wasn't scared. I had years of military training and two years of child care training. That was probably enough. When the afternoon came, it was time for me to go to the office. I put on my special mayor suit and sash and realized I had two suitcases and so I brought along two kids to carry them. Then, Miss Pepper revealed that she doesn't 'lift' and I was bringing along three kids. When Master Bruce, Miss Pepper, and Miss Quinzel got in the car, we drove off to my new office and got settled in.

The first order of business was to move all of Mayor Galavan's old stuff out. We spent a good half hour moving out religious artifacts, portraits, and a strange pillow with supports for giant ears. A man helped me bring a suitcase in and set up my things, and soon, I was sitting at the front of a large mayor's office with a view of the city and a portrait of the kids on my desk. I was feeling pretty at home.

"Okay Master Bruce, Pepper, Quinn, thank you for your help, I will get someone to drive you home." I said.

"What?!" Miss Quinzel whined. "We did all this and we don't get to see you do your spiffy mayor stuff?"

I sighed, "I want to tell you a secret. You three are the responsible ones. When you get back to the manor, I'm betting on at least two of the others to be seriously injured."

"My bet's on Jack!" Miss Pepper said. "Let's go."

The three started to turn back and open the door when the door swung open by itself and we saw Mister Penguin standing at the door holding a rifle and a gift basket. He hobbled in past the kids and put the gift basket on the desk.

"Hello, Mr. Pennyworth. I wanted to congratulate you on becoming Gotham's new mayor." Penguin smiled. "And now that you are, you should know that there are certain agreements I make with the mayors of Gotham. Let's discuss terms, shall we?"

"I refuse to indulge in your municipal extortion, Mr. Penguin." I said firmly.

Penguin laughed. "Mayor Pennyworth, these are simple terms. Hear me out. I want you to do everything I tell you to do and give me all the money you make or everyone you love will die."

"Kids, will you please leave so I can deal with Mr. Cobblepot?" I asked.

The kids nodded and started to leave, but as they were opening the door to leave, there was someone else at the door. It was Captain Barnes holding a bunch of files barging into my office.

"MAYOR PENNYWORTH, I'D LIKE TO SPEAK WITH YOU!" he said, slamming his files down and knocking Penguin's gift basket off the desk. "AS NEW MAYOR, IT IS YOUR RESONSIBILITY TO PROTECT THE CITIZENS OF THIS CITY, SO i REQUIRE FUNDING FOR THE GCPD STRIKE FORCE ALONG WITH – YOU!"

Captain Barnes did a straight 180-turn when he saw Penguin and reached for a gun that he realized he didn't have.

"Will you please wait your turn, Captain?" Penguin said. "The good mayor and I were just discussing funding for my crime family."

"YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING!"

"Do you always have to talk so loud?"

"SHUT YOUR BEAK BEFORE I SHUT IT FOR YOU!" Captain Barnes turned back to me and yelled in my face, "FUND THE POLICE DEPARTMENT!"

"Fund my crime family!" Penguin screamed.

"IF YOU GIVE HIM THE MONEY, HE WILL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE!"

"It is amazing how true that is!"

Just then, there was another knock at the door. Master Bruce opened the door, and I saw the head of Detective Bullock peek in. "Hey, Alfred."

"What do you need now, Bullock?" I asked. "Need more money to fund your whatever?"

"No, Ivy texted saying she needed a ride home." said Bullock, sounding quite emotionally hurt. "Why are you mad?"

Penguin and Barnes ignored Bullock and yelled again, "Fund my mafia!" "FUND MY STRIKE FORCE!"

"No!" I yelled as loud as I could, and the two stopped yelling to stare at me. That was a good sign, so I continued. "When I became the mayor of this city, I promised to do it fairly and properly, bringing order back to this city. Now I can see why Gotham needs me, because you two, who are considered 'fine' candidates by the people are actually two bumbling idiots who can't see what the city actually needs, which is why I plan to run the city my way. If any of you have a problem with that, good luck taking me down."

"What, are you going to make the people run five miles home every day?" Mister Crane asked. "That's right. I was there." Wait... Mister Crane shouldn't have been there.

He was sitting on a bookshelf reading a magazine with a small smirk behind his usually deathly blank stare.

"Mister Crane, how are you here?" I asked.

Unfortunately, Detective Bullock started laughing sheepishly. "Umm... yeah... My license was suspended, so he drove me here."

"When there's no fear of failure, there's nothing to stop you from trying." said Mister Crane, sounding like he was quoting a drunk girl's instagram picture.

Barnes sighed again and threw a bunch of papers on the ground. "YOU KNOW WHAT? MY VERY NEXT ACT AS CAPTAIN OF THE GCPD WILL BE TO TAKE YOU DOWN!"

"I'll help." Penguin said. "You want to hang out or get some coffee?"

"SURE, WHATEVER!" Barnes yelled, and the two walked away together. Meanwhile, Detective Bullock started to take to kids home and I prepared for an exciting term as Mayor of Gotham city.

 **David Mazouz's birthday is coming up, so you know there's gonna be a special chapter for that coming soon!**


	77. Bruce Wayne Vs Poison Ivy

**Happy late birthday to David Mazouz! David, if you're reading this... sorry about all the spanking. But other than that, you're a fantastic actor, an amazing Bruce Wayne, and literally all the girls at my school have a crush on you. You and that pretentious suck demon you can read about in chapter 67. (No, I am still not over that. My heart is in the same condition as Fish Mooney's left eye.) Anyway, happy 15** **th** **birthday, David, and your life is only getting better from here!**

Dear Diary,

On my second day as mayor, I was starting to get more duty in the city. Today, I was supposed to go down to Indian Hill, a toxic waste lab owned by Wayne Enterprises and meet with a representative to talk about funding. Apparently, Mayor Galavan's death had frozen funding to a lot of organizations in Gotham, and I thought the company that disposed of toxic waste needed urgent attention.

I brought along Master Bruce because I felt he should be involved in this Wayne Enterprises-owned venture, and invited any of the other kids who wanted to come. I threw in the word 'environment' and Miss Kyle instantly went, "Sorry, I'm busy counting all the paper towels in the manor."

In the end, the crew that was coming was me, Master Bruce, Miss Pepper – who was curious about our city waste disposal, Mister Kerr – who was interested in dangerous chemicals, and Mister Ornelas – who was coming because he would interfere in Miss Kyle's paper towel counting.

We all got in the car and drove over to Indian Hill, a toxic waste dump that glowed green a little and was in the back of a massive compound all dedicated to waste disposal. When we got there, Mister Kerr took a big whiff of air and grinned, "It smells like evil. Me likey."

When we got to the front of the compound, I was surprised to find Professor Strange, the principal of the kid's school, waiting to greet us.

"Professor Strange?" I asked. "What are you doing here?"

He smiled, "You see, aside from my day job as principal of Ander's Prep, I am also a valued scientist and have devoted countless hours to the city's waste disposal. I see you are no stranger to having a valued day job, Mayor Pennyworth."

"Hi, Professor!" Mister Kerr giggled. "Teacher by day, garbage-man at night? Things must have been tough since your boss Galavan died!"

Strange's left eye twitched. "Shall we enter?"

The six of us entered the facility. Professor Strange suggested that the kids run off and play because he did not understand them like I did. The four ran off towards the lab while Strange and I sat down.

He handed me some forms and started, "Indian Hill is a small corporation, but it is vitally important to Gotham city. I'm asking for you to fund some projects for me, particularly one called Project Freeze."

"Project Freeze?" I asked. "Would this have anything to do with Mayor Galavan?"

Professor Strange laughed. "Please, if you remember from our last encounter, I betrayed Galavan to help you and your kids. Sure he retaliated by sending his sister to beat me half to death, but I of course harbor absolutely no revenge plan against Theo Galavan and am surely not keeping his body in my-"

There was a sound of glass breaking, and I quickly darted over to see Master Bruce and Miss Pepper sitting underneath a broken bottle on a desk, glowing green liquid dripping down onto their heads.

"What did you do?!" I yelled.

"I'll give you a minute." Professor Strange said, walking away and leaving me to blow my head off in anger.

Mister Kerr started laughing. "Well, Sean was talking smack to me about how he could 'throw knives farther than me' and he's 'better at tutitsu that I am' so I wanted to-"

"It's JUJITSU!" Mister Ornelas yelled.

"That's what I said! How can you be better at it than me if you don't even know what it's called? Anyway, this kid flipped out and threw a rock at me, and of course I was too fast and the rock hit a glass and green stuff started dripping into their skulls."

I made an open palm, and promptly brought it up to slap my forehead. "Bruce, Miss Pepper, you are coming home right away to wash that off. You don't know if that's poisonous!"

"My brain tingles." Miss Pepper said.

Mister Kerr laughed. "They're fine. Anyway, watch this, Sean!" he picked up another rock and threw it straight at the back of Master Bruce's head. Miraculously, at the speed of lightning, Master Bruce turned around, caught the rock, and threw it back with unnerving accuracy, aiming it straight at the crotch of Mister Kerr's pants and making him laugh hysterically as he fell onto his knees.

"How did you do that?" I asked, frozen.

Master Bruce giggled with joy. "The goop that fell on my head must have given me... superpowers!" We watched as he did a backflip onto the table behind him and did a handstand on his two fingers. "This is amazing!"

Miss Pepper put her hand on the floor, and a plant vine suddenly erupted from the ground, wrapping around her hand.

"I can finally defend Gotham like I always wanted to!" Master Bruce laughed, flipping off the table and landing with a split. "Let's go!"

I planned on just going home and doing something about this, but Master Bruce insisted on circling the block looking for crime. I didn't want to leave Miss Kyle at home alone, but later on in the day, I found out that she indeed followed up on her promise and spent the day counting paper towels. That girl worries me.

The four got in the car and I drove them around the block a few times until Master Bruce yelled, "Stop!" on the corner of the street, a thug in black was trying to wrestle a purse from an old woman. I stopped the car next to the criminal, and he let go of the purse, letting the old woman hobble away.

"Hey, you!" Mister Kerr yelled. "You want to work for me?"

Master Bruce had a different approach. He opened the car door and stepped out. "You can't go around stealing purses like that! I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson!" he did a backflip onto the roof of the car and jumped into the criminal, throwing him backwards and into a fence. The fence blew apart from the force of Master B's super-powered kick.

He was about to go in for another punch, but then Miss Pepper (who I did not hear leave the car) walked in, grabbed the criminal's lapel, and planted her lips onto him. A green poison crept into his skin and he fell to the ground jerking around and spasming.

"Ivy!" Bruce yelled. "You can't go around killing criminals!"

"He's not dead." Miss Pepper said. "Besides, he deserved it."

"Why?"

"He was wearing a blue shirt."

In the backseat of the car, Mister Kerr leaned over to Mister Ornelas and whispered, "My bet's on Poison Ivy."

"For what?" Mister Ornelas asked.

"Duh, for the fight that's gonna break out."

I looked back over at Master Bruce and Miss Pepper, and two vines had just erupted from the ground, throwing Master Bruce backwards and through a fence. He got up, but just before a bunch of roots burst out of the concrete and hit him in the chest, pushing him to the ground. Miss Pepper came back into view, with plant vines wrapped around her legs and letting her float on her plants.

"My bet's on Bruce." Mister Ornelas whispered. "Strength and skill for the win."

Master Bruce jumped back up and dodged a plant vine that would have flattened him into the ground. He flipped over the vine and jumped, kicking Miss Pepper in the chest and knocking her off the plants she was standing on. Another punch put her on the floor.

"I change my mind." Jack grinned. "I'm on Bruce's side."

"Who's side are you on?" Mister Ornelas asked.

"I'm on the side of whoever's winning!"

Just then, flowers sprung up from the ground surrounding Master Bruce and spraying a green gas into the air. He fell to the ground shakily, and four more vines grabbed his limbs, rendering him helpless. Miss Pepper stood on a giant flower and willed herself over to him, her poisonous lips inches away from his.

"No!" I yelled, leaving the car and running towards them. I was too late, and their lips were touching. Surprisingly though, no toxin came out. Master Bruce was still alive, and Miss Pepper found that she couldn't control the plants anymore.

"The powers must have worn off." I said, helping Miss Pepper off her flower.

Master Bruce sighed. "I feel weaker now. Sorry about that, Ivy. I guess I'm just a normal person again."

"Don't worry." Mister Ornelas said, walking out of the car. "We all have to work for what we want, and when we get them, it'll be a lot better."

Master Bruce nodded and walked Miss Pepper back to the car so we could all drive home after a long and tiring day. Still, I couldn't help noticing that a little bit of grass sprung up where Miss Pepper's footsteps were.


	78. Jack and Harley's New Tattoos

_Bruce, Cat, and Sean had come over the horizon and found that they were at the base of Arkham Asylum. Cat grinned ear-to-ear and yelled, "Let's go break in!"_

 _Selina Kyle was the only person crazy enough to yell that in front of an asylum._

Dear Diary,

This morning, Miss Quinzel was on a date with Mister Kerr at the mall. I had given them fifty bucks and told them to go crazy, since they were already banned from the mall and there wasn't much more they could do. Mister Crane and Ornelas were out at the park, and the three remaining kids were on the couch with the baby.

The phone rang, and Master Bruce went to pick it up. After a short conversation, he came over and gave it to me, telling me it was Miss Quinzel's father, from his business trip across the world.

"Robert Quinzel?" I asked, taking the phone. "What can I do for you?"

Mister Quinzel sighed. "My maid says Harleen has been staying at your mansion, correct?"

"Yes, she has. I've been taking care of her."

"Yes, well the wife and I are in Peru right now, so if it's all the same to you, I'd like to open a video chat with her later to see how she's doing. If I see that she's in danger in any way, I'm bringing her back home, understood? I look forward to seeing her and her boyfriend she talked about."

"Yes, Mister Quinzel. You have nothing to worry about. Your daughter is the safest she's ever been."

Of course when I said that, the front door burst open and Mister Kerr was standing with Miss Quinzel in the doorway. Mister Kerr burst into song, yelling to the whole world, "Guess who got matching tattoos today?!"

"I have to go." I said to Mister Quinzel, and hung up the phone. It was time to explode at Mister Kerr. "Are you out of your mind?!"

Mister Kerr thought for a while. "Umm, yeah. I thought we established that a while ago. Anyway, check these out!" He pulled down the collar of his shirt and Miss Quinzel took off a strap of her skirt, showing off their matching tattoos that said HA HA HA on the front of their shoulders.

"Aren't they great?!" Mister Kerr grinned.

The minute he was alone, I was pulling his head off. "Miss Quinzel is not your toy, you can't just bring her along for all your miscreant shenanigans!"

"She loves it!" Mister Kerr growled.

Miss Quinzel mumbled, "I can't feel my arm."

Mister Kerr smirked and said, "Aw, Puddin', that's how you know you look great!" he kissed her cheek, and magically, all the pain disappeared from Miss Quinzel's face.

I tried pulling out my hair, but it didn't work. I screamed at Mister Kerr, "Well, now her parents are going to scream their heads off when they see that blemish, so what do you have to say for yourself?"

Mister Kerr grinned evilly, and laughed, "We also got matching bellybutton piercings!"

I tried to throw a vase at him, but missed. He went back out the house to show the others in the park, and Miss Quinzel sat down on the couch with a dreamy sigh, "Isn't he so cute?"

I sighed and decided to tell her about her parents. I told her they were going to video chat this afternoon to see how she was and if she was safe.

"Oh, yay!" Miss Quinzel beamed. "That means I can show them Mister J!"

Everyone in the room collectively slapped their foreheads.

"Yeah, we don't know how to tell you this," Miss Kyle started. "But..."

"Your parents would burst into flames if they found out you were with someone like that." I said, shortly and sweetly.

Miss Quinzel looked confused. "But we're meant to be together!"

"Oh!" Master Bruce said. "I have an idea. We keep Jack out of the house when Harley's dad calls, and then we make up a boyfriend for her that we pretend isn't here!"

That was a pretty good plan. Miss Quinzel crossed her arms and legs and put on a grumpy face. "I still don't know why we can't just show them my Puddin'."

Miss Pepper outright exploded, "Because your dad wants you to be safe, and yesterday, Jack pushed you down a flight of stairs because he saw a pretty girl walk by. I'm sorry, but someone had to say it."

"He does it because he loves me." Miss Quinzel scoffed, sticking her nose off and walking off, wincing as she poked her new tattoo.

A few hours later, Miss Kyle, Master Bruce and I had created a full-on charade for Miss Quinzel's pretend boyfriend. He was going to be a saxophone player named John Sergio who founded an animal shelter and was in Gotham for a music scholarship. They met during a vacation to Poughkeepsie and bonded over their love of badminton and ballroom dancing. It was perfect.

We set up the computer. Master Bruce took Miss Quinzel upstairs and washed off any trace of Mister Kerr from her. When she came back down, she looked just like she did when we first met her, and before Jack happened.

"Okay, I washed the dye out of her hair, put less-clown-looking makeup on her, and got Jack out of the house." Master Bruce said.

Miss Quinzel pushed him away. "I feel like this is lying."

Miss Kyle put an arm around her shoulder. "Oh, poor, sweet Harley. Lying is acceptable when it's to family."

Finally, a box opened on the computer screen that said 'Video Chat Request from Robert Quinzel.' Master Bruce opened it, and Mr. Quinzel's face showed up on the screen. He tested the microphone a bit, and said, "Hello, Harleen."

"Hi, Daddy!" Miss Quinzel beamed, getting close to the screen. "I miss you so much! How's your business trip to Peru?"

"It's fine, honey. We'll be done in a month, and then we're going to Florida, New Zealand, Russia, Tokyo, anyway, how are you? I trust you're being cared for."

Miss Quinzel nodded. "Yep! Alfred takes real good care of us. He disciplines us well too! Once, he tried to beat me with a-"

"-What she means," I cut in, sliding in to talk to Mr. Quinzel. "Is that we're all very happy. You have a very special daughter."

Mr. Quinzel nodded. "So, Harleen. Where's this boyfriend of yours?"

Miss Kyle slid into view of the camera and grinned, "Oh, he's not here. His name is John Sergio and he plays the saxophone or something like that."

Mr. Quinzel sighed, "So is that him over there?"

We all looked over across the room, and we found Mister Ornelas climbing in through the window. The panicking Miss Kyle ran over, put her arm around him, and smiled, "Yep! This is John, Harley's boyfriend!"

Mister Ornelas sighed, "I know we haven't known each other long, but I expected you to know my name by now."

Miss Kyle whispered something in his ear, and Mister Ornelas said something under his breath that I sensed was not very polite. He tried to hold back the vomit in his throat and smiled for the camera, "Yes, I'm Harleen's... boyfriend."

Mr. Quinzel looked confused. "Why is he wearing street clothes?"

"I like to blend in with the common folk while I'm at... animal charity benefits." Mister Ornelas sighed, gingerly putting his hand on Miss Quinzel's shoulder.

I started to think it was going well, and Mr. Quinzel would not kill me for letting his daughter date a maniac. Then, the front door burst open and Mister Kerr walked through. I didn't think Mr. Quinzel saw, but soon, Mister Kerr had jumped into camera and planted his lips on Miss Quinzel's face.

"Hey, guess who just got two free coffees for his little boo? Well, I had to steal them, but it's not like that little girl will miss these, right? Hey, who's that on the computer? His hair looks so stupid."

Mr. Quinzel took one long look at Mister Kerr's green-streaked spiky hair, his manic grin, his black dirty street clothes, and the stolen coffee in his mouth. He was about to open his mouth to scream and Miss Quinzel yelped, "Bye, Daddy!" and pulled the plug on the computer. The screen went black, and she grinned at Mister Kerr. "Aren't you glad my daddy knows you now?"

"That guy's your dad?" Mister Kerr asked. "Huh. You have his boobs. Now let's go throw eggs at hobos!"


	79. A Handcuffed Trip Down Memory Lane

**Guess what? I'm not dead! Sorry about the long wait, but I've been arranging some things, and I have a new arrangement that I think will be better for you guys. I'm going to upload a new chapter every Sunday around this time with some breaks, and I will try my hardest to stick to that schedule. Also, I know you guys really like when people other than Alfred narrate, so after this, I'm working on a seven-part story arc in which each of the kids are narrating their own chapters of an adventure at the beach! As for this chapter, thank you for so many awesome submissions! I couldn't use all of them, but this chapter is made of contributions and PMs from Joe, Connie, Coolkatgirl123, and a few guests!**

Hey. It's me, Sean. I've had a really long day and was feeling really stressed, so Alfred told me to write down my feelings. I asked what he knew about writing down feelings, and he ran away, but it seemed like a good idea, so... here it is.

I guess my day started with Jack coming down the stairs. I heard him laughing and he grinned, "Ah, it's such a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Harley is starting puberty, this day couldn't possibly be any – oh. It's Sean. Wait here, I forgot my rocket-launcher in my room."

Selina scoffed at me. She was sitting beside me on the couch eating a muffin. "Don't mind him. He's on his man-period."

Jack laughed, "Why is Sean even here? He disappears every night and comes back in the morning, what's up with that?"

That was an obvious answer. I stood up and said, "Because unlike you, I am not comfortable sharing a bed with six people."

"Last night, Bruce punched my spleen in his sleep." Jonny said. He was eating a bagel in the kitchen.

Selina shook her head and turned back to me. "The maniacs have a point. If you want to stay here with us, you've got to sleep with the rest of us."

"I don't want to stay here." I said.

Selina's jaw dropped open. Jonny added a little frown to his usual blank stare, and Jack started laughing hysterically. Selina asked, "Why?"

I knew I should have left sooner. "You should have seen this coming. I can't have a home or friends or anything. I'm a wanderer, and you knew I was going to go at some point."

"Just make sure you dramatically exit through the front door," said that idiot clown. "We already claimed all the windows."

That was it. These people were getting too attached. I did the only thing I could and left out the front door, leaving the door wide open and walking down the street to the gate of Wayne Manor while Jack's evil laughing filled the background. I decided to head for the downtown curve where there wasn't a lot of violence to catch you off guard.

There was an old warehouse that I liked to stay in. It only took a few minutes for me to get there halfway across the city and find an area behind a dumpster where I could stay for a few hours. Jack was right. Staying at a mansion was making me soft. It took a few hours for Selina to show up. I heard her on the roof of the outpost and went out to tell her I wasn't coming back. Except she was holding a picture frame.

"How did you find me?" I asked.

She hopped down from the roof and smiled, "Jonny says he can sense the aura of all living things, whatever that means. Anyway, you left without getting any parting gifts."

I guess I could let them say goodbye. "Fine, what do you have?"

"Well, Jack had a certain hand gesture he wanted to share with you, but you probably don't care about that. Bruce was going to give you a snowglobe from Switzerland, but I didn't think you were into that. Instead, I brought you a photo of all of us together. Well, kind of. Only half your face is in it, and Richard just threw up on Bruce's shirt, but it's our family. It's little and broken, but... still good. And in a family, no one gets left behind, but if you want to go, that's fine."

Later, I found out that she was quoting Lilo and Stitch. At the moment though, I hadn't seen the movie, so I was extremely sad. It had to happen though. Why didn't any of these people understand why I had to go?

"Selina, can you just please go home?" I asked. "Go play with Bruce or something."

She sighed, "Okay, if that's what you want. But can I have a hug first? Just one last one?"

She didn't wait for an answer. Instead, she just wrapped her arms around me and put her head on my shoulder. She felt so warm, and I think she was legitimately crying. I had to admit I was going to miss her a bit.

I was given a perfect reason why I had to leave when she used her hug-straction to slap a pair of handcuffs on my right hand. When I spun around, we were handcuffed together.

"Ha!" Selina grinned. "Now you _have_ to come home with us!"

Wow, this girl. "Do you really think I don't know how to pick a lock?"

"Not with me next to you!"

I reached for my lockpick and held it up when Selina slapped it out of my hand. Then, I reached for my second lockpick and she slapped it out of my hand. I reached for my third lockpick, and she slapped it out of my hand. This was going to be difficult.

"Selina, unlock me."

"I'll only unlock it if you come with me to the GCPD. There are some things we have to talk about."

"Fine then. Let's go." I said, and pulled her in the direction of the GCPD. I only got three steps in before I felt her flick my butt with something. I looked back and sighed, "Please don't try to guilt trip me."

"I'm not guilt tripping anyone." Selina smiled. "I'm just... trying to make the time go faster."

"I don't know why Bruce gets turned on by this."

"Oh, don't pretend you're not getting turned on." she giggled, once again not taking the hint and flicking my butt with the picture frame.

Okay, I was getting just a little turned on by this, but that was not the point. I dragged her over to the GCPD and up the steps for a few hours when we were finally inside the GCPD. The entire time, she was saying idiotic things like, "See that tree? Doesn't it remind you of the time I got stuck in our tree?" "See that old guy? Doesn't he remind you of Alfred?"

When we finally got there, Selina sighed in relief and said, "Now wasn't that nice? Okay, Bullock! Bring it out!"

It was Detective Bullock, coming out with a brown folder. He walked up to me and said, "Sean Ornelas, you're under arrest for forty-two counts of armed theft, twenty counts of assault with a deadly weapon, and four counts of breaking and entering. As your sentence, I'm giving you five years under rehabilitation and custody of Alfred Pennyworth at Wayne Manor."

That was just sad. "Really, Selina? That's the best you can do?"

She scoffed, "Oh, I'd like to see you make me stay if I ever try to leave. I was desperate, okay? And why do you even want to leave?"

I really never thought about it until now. I guess I never really ever stayed in one place for so long, or had people to protect me. I never thought about what it felt like, because all I thought about was how it was making me soft and vulnerable. I never took the time to realize that I kind of liked how it felt.

"There's nothing wrong with having a family, Sean." Bullock said.

I sighed, "The rest of the guys don't seem to care about me."

Selina said, "I lied and said I didn't know where you were, so they're out looking for you."

"You guys really care about each other, don't you?"

"Also, I didn't want them to see... you know," Before I knew what happened, I felt her lips crashing onto mine. It was only the second time it ever happened, and the first time, I was pretty sleepy. But now, I had the time to take it in, and she was actually really warm and soft. Her lips were like velvet. It was like everything around us froze just for a little bit.

"Please stay." Selina said, breathing into my mouth.

Whatever. Being hardcore and alone was lame anyway. Besides, it didn't matter how much time I spent in a mansion. I could kick Jack's ass any day.

"Come on, Selina." I said. "Let's go home."


	80. The Secret Diaries of Jonny Crane

**Well, recently I discovered that consistently uploading chapters once a week is absolutely amazing. Since I don't upload right after I finish now, I have a bunch of chapters in store, and resolving to do something every week is totally improving my work ethic and making me less stressed. If you want to make your life significantly better, I highly recommend trying to write a page or read a book or anything like that once a week consistently. Now that I'm done preaching, here's some beach fun! Remember, Jonny is narrating, so read this in a low, death-like voice.**

It's me, Jonny. I was told to write what was going on while Pennyworth was in the office. I can do that.

Alfred re-opened the Gotham beach. Even I wanted to come. After that, Alfred let us play on the beach while he talked with city council about its recreational use. Also, Ex-Mayor Galavan put a nuclear bomb testing site under the beach, but whatever.

His first mistake was letting Jack and Selina go buy the swimsuits, parasols, lunch, and other items of that ilk. Either that, or he doesn't care anymore. Selina and Jack came back with four multi-coloured speedos, three towels, and an umbrella which is distinctly different than a parasol. Then, Pennyworth drove us to the beach, which was the only part of the city that sunlight reached.

I guess it was nice, if you're into that stuff. We all got out and it was sunny. It hurt my eyes. I had to look down, but Sean was in a speedo, so my eyes could not win. Then, Pennyworth drove off.

Selina ran straight into the water and jumped in. She did a backflip and splashed into the water.

"Come on in, boys!" she yelled. "The water's great!"

"You know," I said. "Elliot's white-tipped jellyfish, native to the coasts of Gotham city, is said to inhabit these waves."

Bruce nodded, "Yeah, I heard about that!"

Selina scoffed, "Please! Are you telling me a cat can't beat a jellyfish?"

Jack laughed, "Yeah, are you telling me a clown can't beat a jellyfish?"

"I'm pretty sure jellyfish are more intimidating than clowns." Sean said. He was sitting in a lawn chair. I think he was a little self-conscious about wearing nothing but sunglasses and a speedo.

Ivy sighed and gave me a tanning sheet to hold. "I'm going to check out the seashells on the coast."

"Seashells are the empty skeletons of a creature that has decayed and died." I said.

"That's what I love about them." She said, and went off to explore the coast. Meanwhile, there was a beach house where I could get away from the sunlight. I set up my beach chair there and laid down to close my eyes and think about the colour black. For instance, are there shades of black? Is there only one very dark black and all lighter shades of black should be called grey? If everything becomes black when there is no light, does that mean we can truly call the sky blue?

It wasn't long before my contemplation was disturbed by Harleen when she came in holding a white piece of cloth.

"Hey, Jonny." she grinned. "Guess what?"

"What antics have you done today, Harleen?"

"Well, I kind of told Jack to buy Sean's swimsuit just a few sizes too big. He jumped in the water, and so guess what I'm holding right now?!" she giggled, holding up a white speedo.

I nodded. "So what happens now?"

She shrugged, "Either Sean stays in the water until he gets all pruny, or he gets out and chases me, but whatever happens, it'll be really funny!"

"I hope you have fun doing that."

She giggled a bit and then left. I laid back down and started contemplating other things, like the human condition. Like people say that people are not meant to fly, but then why would we have the brain capabilities to create planes? Does this mean that all our brains are capable of are things we are meant to do? What about things like pollution, murder, and war?

Once again, my quiet was disturbed by a cry of agony when the door to the beach house burst open, and Selina fell to the ground, clutching her arm in pain. Bruce followed shortly after.

"Jonny, help!" Bruce yelled. "Selina was stung by one of those jellyfish!"

An Elliot's white-tipped jellyfish sting was only supposed to cause a mild itching, but Selina was always a very dramatic person.

"What are we supposed to do?" Bruce asked.

I sighed, "I heard that you can alleviate most symptoms of a jellyfish sting by chemicals found in human urine."

"I've heard that too." Selina grunted.

Bruce, Selina, and I exchanged glances for a long time until Bruce realized what we meant. His eyes widened, and he said, "Well, Jonny, you were the one who suggested it."

"I never have to go." I said. " _Ever."_

"Well I'm not going to pee on Selina!"

"Would you rather have her lose part of the skin on her arm?" I asked. Selina yelped in fear.

Bruce thought for a while, "Well... maybe I should get Jack!"

"Eww, no!" Selina exclaimed. "I'm not letting that maniac pee on me!"

"What about Sean?"

"He's a little occupied with Harley and Ivy."

"Ivy?!"

"Do you know how girls work, Bruce?" Selina groaned. "We don't have the luxury of aiming."

Bruce stuttered a little and looked back and forth between me and Selina. There was a long silence, and the skin on Selina's arm started to turn red.

"We won't look." I said to make him feel better. I was pretty sure Selina would look. "Besides, urine is sterile when it leaves the body, so it won't be too gross."

Bruce undid his swim trunks, and I turned away. There was a sound of water running, and Selina sighing in relief as the pain subsided. When he was done, I turned back, and Selina was hugging him.

"Bruce, you're a hero!" she giggled. "You saved me with the power invested in your pants!"

"Nobody talks like that unless they're intentionally trying to make it sound wrong." I said.

The two left so I could sit in the quiet and ponder about some things again just when I was about to give up on my contemplation. Then, the door opened again and Ivy came through the door with some seashells in her bag.

"Hi, Jonny." Ivy said. "I got a person who needs your therapy."

"Well, I am excellent at therapy." I said.

At this point, I would like to point out a moment a few weeks ago when Mr. Nygma came by for therapy with me. I told him to focus on the colour green since it was an embodiment of his jealousy and bitterness that he had to overcome. Two days after, there was a story on the news about an unsolved vandalism when someone spray-painted green question marks all over the bank.

"Good." Ivy said. "This is Silver. She says we should remember her. Do you?" asked Ivy, helping Silver St. Cloud come into the beach house.

 **For those of you who thought I was kidding, I wasn't. If your friend gets stung by a non-lethal jellyfish, just pee on them. Just remember, not under lethal circumstances, not in public, it only works for some species, and you'd be taking medical advice from someone Camren Bicondova's age. Next one is Jack's entry!**


	81. The Secret Diaries of Jack Kerr

**And here is a bonus chapter to apologize for that month where I did not upload anything. A new chapter is still coming on Sunday. Remember, by Jack, so read in a sinister voice with an evil laugh thrown in here and there.**

Deer Die-airy

I am writing this after my day was good, then terrible, then hilarious, and then awesome. Let me give you a rundown of how today went down.

All the losers were going to the beach and splash around in the water and be childish and boring, while Harley and I were going to a secret underground club that I heard about in a secret tunnel underneath the beach. Turns out that when you abandon an area for a long time, a lot of creepy sh*t goes down. Ha!

"Can I come to the secret club?" Ivy asked.

"No, loser, play in the sand like everyone else." I said.

Harley had her pigtails in these spiky red and black skull bands and was wearing a red and black leather jacket on a white boob-strip (Harley calls it a bandeaux, I call it pointless since to hide something, it has to be there) and I was wearing a shiny purple leather jacket and had my hair all spiked up and green-ified. We were ready for the club.

We went through the secret tunnel and disappeared under the sand. The tunnel was all spooky-like and dark with some green and purple lights, looking all funny and awesome. There was a bouncer wearing a clown mask that I absolutely loved.

"What's the password?" he asked.

Well he was rude, so I retorted with something classy, yet firm. "Let us in or I'll mess up your face so badly that you'll drown whenever you cry."

I think he was impressed. "Go right on in."

I put my arm out and Harley grabbed it. "Harley, my girl, you are about to witness some true awesomeness."

What we got almost made me go silent. ME! Everyone was jamming out to heavy metal music and boning each other like there were no more babies. Everyone had variations of green hair, red giant smiles, and purple clothes. They were flashing messages like 'don't be a cog – be free', and 'just remember – smile'. Everyone was laughing maniacally and splattering blood all over the place and flaunting their inner maniac, all to the beat of Jerome Valeska. It was DISGUSTING!

"What the f*ck do you think you're doing?!" I yelled, grabbing this random wanna-be ME lady in a position that would let me murder her ass!

She just laughed, "Partying! What – you never heard of Jerome? The guy's a legend!"

"No, Jerome is just a knock-off lame-o version of me!" I flipped out and threw her low-life butt across the room. "Harley!"

"Yeah, Mister J?" she squeaked.

I sighed, "We have to do something about this hideousness. These people should be worshipping me!"

"So which one do you want to use? The flamethrower or the machine gun?"

"Isn't it obvious? Combine the two so that the machine gun shoots fire!"

"I don't think that's how it works."

"Dagnabbit, Harley! Fine, we'll go to plan B."

It was the perfect plan. And that plan was to hijack the microphone on the stage and talk some sense into these people! Well we had to do something, and if I wanted a good plan, I would have brought B-man, and Bruce wouldn't last a second in this madness. Harley and I grabbed the DJ on the stage and threw him into a room where two clown people were boning. They took care of him while Harley rigged the microphone and got the attention of everyone in the room. Now, I could knock some sense into these b*tches.

"I don't think many of you know who I am. My name is Jack Kerr and I am here to liberate you all. So far, I'm noticing a – how do I say this... WORSHIP of someone who is not ME! Jerome Valeska is just a sad ginger with daddy issues. I was left at the doorstep of a great man when I was a baby. I suppose he was like my father, and what he did was host an underground game show. He would promise people one billion dollars if they succeeded in his game show, but no one ever did. Instead, I grew up falling asleep to the sounds of limbs being ripped off, screams as desperate people were slowly electrocuted to death, innocent people turning to murder as they desperately clawed their way to victory in the game show, and most of all, my father's laughter as he came up to my bedroom and told me about the hundreds of people that paid a thousand dollars to enter the show, and were treated to a painful death at the hands of his sadistic machines. That kind of laughter leaves you with a scar that doesn't heal, folks, but damn, did he love me.

"But I turned out okay. After my 'father' was killed by an undercover cop who tossed him into his own machines and watched him die, I went to the streets. There were a lot of other street kids, but I was special. I wasn't afraid of watching people die horrible deaths. Now, I live in a mansion with a bunch of friends and a butler, but I still fall asleep to the sounds of my old man's laughing while everyone else was screaming. That's my motto now. Laugh when people scream. Be the fun in other's pain. Find the funny side of things. To me, this shindig looks like a lot of screaming and a lot of crime, but again, let's be funny. Let's laugh it up. After all, when we're in pain, laughter is the best medicine!"

I just started bursting out laughing. My speech was hilarious! Soon, everyone else started laughing too! I was a hit!

"That was amazing!" a random guy yelled.

"Thank you, random guy!" I gave the little people a bow. "Now let's get this party started!" Harley plugged in the music and everyone started dancing and chanting my name! They loved me! All of them loved me!

Then, Harley jumped on the stage and started hugging me for some reason. I think she was crying a little and getting her salty tears all over my new purple jacket!

"Mister J, I'm so sorry! I had no idea you've been through so much!" she sobbed, probably giving my shoulder a rash. "Was that true?"

I pulled her off of me. "Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, and maybe it was partly true. If I have to have a past, I'd prefer if it was multiple choice. NOW WHO'S THE MOST STARK-RAVING BAT-SH*T CRAZY MANIAC IN GOTHAM?!"

"JACK KERR! JACK KERR!" they chanted.

I shrugged, "Actually, my surrogate father was Danish, so he had an accent that makes the A sound like an O, if I'm being really picky."

"JOKER! JOKER! JOKER!" They corrected themselves. Good people.

"I had a sad origin too!" Harley grinned, hogging the microphone. "I grew up, and my butler didn't even come when I called him!"

Everyone got really quiet, but I was in a good mood, so I got the chanting started again. "JOKER! HARLEY QUINN! JOKER! HARLEY QUINN!"

"Come on, Harley." I said. "Let's go check out those bedrooms in the back."

"I love you, Jack." Harley squeaked, hugging my arm.

"I love me too, Harley." I said, and squeezed her back, and then we went back to the rooms in the back with the red bead curtains.

(The rest of this chapter was cut off to maintain the T rating of the story. We apologize for the inconvenience.)

 **Ta-da, and before you all kill me for giving Joker an origin story, it was partly inspired by 'Mad Love' from the animated series and 'The Killing Joke' by Alan Moore. Seriously, go check them out. You're not a fan of Joker and Harley until you do. I think Bruce's entry will be next.**


	82. The Secret Diaries of Bruce Wayne

**Spoilers for Batman V Superman below, scroll carefully...**

Dear Diary,

It's me, Bruce. Today, we went on a trip to the beach while Alfred went to settle some things with Professor Strange and city hall about opening the waterside for recreational use. We all split up to gallivant around the waterfront, and I was with Selina and Sean for most of it.

I had bought swim trunks before that day, so I didn't have to wear the red speedo that Jack had went and purchased, although Selina had reassured me that I was welcome to if I ever had the urge. Sean hadn't thought to purchase extra swimwear, and he wasn't allowed to go in the water nude, so he was forced to wear the speedo. Selina appeared to like that.

And then there was Selina; beautiful, beautiful Selina wearing a black two-piece swimsuit that looked absolutely fantastic on her. As soon as she jumped in the sea, the water shined off her perfect silky skin and made her glow even more.

We swam around for a little bit until a man in an eye-patch approached us in the water. He came up to us and said, "Would you three kids happen to be in an adventurous mood?"

"Duh, we're always in an adventurous mood." Selina scoffed.

"When aren't we in an adventurous mood?" Sean laughed.

"But we're not supposed to do anything dangerous until Alfred gets back." I said, but no one listened.

The eye-patch man laughed and gave me a rolled up sheet of paper. I opened it, and it was an old treasure map of all around the beach.

"This is the map to the treasure of Amadeus Arkham. When he was just a wee lad, Amadeus Arkham came into an inheritance of over one million dollars which he buried on this beach. Then, he died, and the treasure was never found. Could you kids find the treasure?"

I sighed, "Wait, why didn't Amadeus Arkham just give his inheritance to the bank?"

"Because banks get robbed." The eye-patch man said. "Now do you want the map? Because it costs ten bucks."

"Pay the man!" Selina giggled. "We're going hunting for treasure!"

"But Selina, I'm a billionaire." I said. "I can literally buy you a thousand chests full of treasure. Besides, this guy is fake. Why would Amadeus Arkham hide his treasure on a beach?"

"Please?" Selina sighed, putting her hands on my shoulders. "It'll be fun! If we find it, we can go over to the beach house and I'll suck your toes..."

I did love when she sucked my toes. I just gave up and handed the man ten bucks. He handed Selina the treasure map and disappeared under the water. I think he was waiting for us to leave before coming back up.

"Okay," Sean said, looking at the map. "It says that first, we need to go through some sort of gate into the woods on the east."

"Then let's go!"

"That's the west."

"Let's go the other way!"

We headed where the map told us too, which I suppose was more responsible than what I assumed we were going to do. We counted forty paces to the west and arrived at a wooden gate with a microphone and some speakers in it. It was labelled 'Gate of Amadeus Arkham'.

"In order to pass, you must answer the riddle of Amadeus Arkham," said the gate. "Here is the riddle: How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

"One." Selina said.

"No." said the gate.

"Two."

"No."

"Three."

"No."

Suddenly, I got an idea and said, "A Brazilian?"

"Answer accepted." The gate beeped and opened up. We later found out that Sean had just climbed over the gate and could have opened it up from the inside, but you know – my way was good too. I guess.

After we got into the forest, the map told us that we needed to head through a deep chasm over a rope bridge, which seemed really cliché, but I suppose Amadeus Arkham was an adventurous child. Sixty paces to the north and we had located the rope bridge across a deep waterfall.

I put one foot on the bridge, and a part of it collapsed into the waterfall below.

"Okay, who authorized the design for this?" I asked. Selina gave me that look she gives me when I say something dorky and weird.

By the time we looked over at Sean, he was already slowly and carefully tightrope walking across the chasm using one of the ropes. Selina clapped and giggled, which was fine, I guess. I mean, her being impressed doesn't mean anything, right?

"Not all of us can tightrope-walk, you know." I yelled across to him. I was pretty sure Selina could, but I couldn't, and I matter too!

Sean had just taken a knife out of his pocket and was hacking away at a large tree when Selina stood back. The tree fell over providing a sturdier bridge for us to walk on.

"Isn't he awesome?" Selina asked me.

I shrugged, "I could have done that."

"You're welcome to take the bridge."

"Just hurry up."

Finally, the map led us back to the beachfront where we were supposed to look for an X in the sand. Selina slipped her goggles on and looked around, spotting a metal X right where it was supposed to be in sand!

Selina knelt down and started digging as fast as she could, cheering, "We found the treasure!"

"I probably have much more money than whatever is under that." I said, but I don't think anyone heard. Instead, Sean had grabbed a shovel from the shack nearby and was digging away. Selina stepped back and stood next to me as Sean was shovelling away.

"His muscles, though." Selina whispered. "Ooh mama."

Sean had dug a hole deep enough and was pulling out a wooden treasure chest. Selina jumped with joy and rushed over to the locked chest. She pulled out one of her hairs and used it to pick the lock. When she had opened it, she found the treasure, which she was happy about. I supposed I should have been happy for her, but I didn't really do anything and I had at least four times that much money in my wallet.

"We did it, Sean!" Selina beamed, jumping into him for a hug. I hadn't seen her smile that much in a long time, but it was okay. She was happy I guess, and Sean's a nice person. If I ever needed another girl, I think Harley's about to snap.

Then, Selina jumped and wrapped her arms around me. "We did it, Bruce!"

"I didn't really do that much." I said. "Sean did most of it."

"Yeah." Selina shrugged. "He's kind of a bad boy. But girls like nice boys too." Then, she turned around and kissed me on the lips, and the whole world just stopped. There was fire, passion, and happiness, and that was all that mattered in the end, right?

 **Sorry this chapter was kind of late, but I was at my friend's place all day because we went to go see Batman V Superman! I won't tell you who wins, but we had a deal a while back that for every hit that Superman landed on Batman, Selina would spank Bruce, and vice versa for Jack. Well, there's this scene that's not really a spoiler, but Batman has multiple machine guns aimed at Superman and that counts for like ten thousand hits, so... neither of those boys are going to be sitting for a few days. Also, go see the movie, there's this scene where Batman is beating up a room full of thugs that made me scream with excitement. Harley's chapter is next!**


	83. The Secret Diaries of Selina Kyle

**I was planning to do Harley's chapter this time, but that'll be coming next week. The reason why will make sense when you read it. Until then, here's Cat's antics when Alfred's not around...**

Dere Dye-eh-rye

Hey, Alfred. I know you're reading this, and I just wanted to say that your attempts at ruining my day FAILED! Well, here's the story of my day at the beach. It started at the manor when Bruce was in the backyard with Ivy and I had some time alone with my pretty little Sean.

"Okay, Sean." I said. Bruce's lap is fun, but Sean's lap feels better against my bum. "Now I know we've done a lot these few days, but I've been with Bruce a lot longer. If you wanna be on his level, we have some catching up to do!"

I think he smiled a little bit. "Okay. What have you done with Bruce?"

"Well, one day, we decided that we should spend a little time making out on every piece of furniture in the mansion!"

I saw the joy in his eyes. It was totally there, smiling at me. I went to go sit down on the kitchen table and got my lips ready for some hardcore kissing, but as soon as he got on the table, it gave and fell apart, which hurt my bottom. I got onto another coffee table and invited my pretty Sean on, but once again, as soon as he got on the entire thing fell apart and I got a bruise on my bottom.

We tried a few more times, and every single piece of furniture in the room fell apart. Sean growled, "Do we have termites or something?" but it was okay, because he's kind of cute when he's mad.

Then, Harley skipped down the stairs all happy-like. "Actually, Alfred knew you'd try something like this, so he cut the legs of all the furniture in the manor! Also, he said we're going to the beach today!"

Perfect! The King of Snotty England couldn't possibly cut all the furniture on the entire beach! He couldn't stop me and Sean from making some serious fireworks.

So after that, we drove to the beach, Alfred left to go do his mayor business, and we all went to go do our things. Meanwhile though, I just stayed in the parking lot and held Sean up.

"Why aren't we going in?" he asked.

Poor, sweet Sean. "Isn't it obvious? The first thing that Bruce and I have done that you and I haven't it make out in the back of a car!"

He smiled and I whipped out my lockpick. There was a nice red car on the edge of the parking lot under some trees. I had a lot of practise picking locks, so soon we were in the backseat and I jumped on Sean. It was so cool and perfect and I messed up his hair to make it look more adorable. I was sitting on top of him and whispered real slow-like, "You ready for some cat kisses?"

"Just come here." he grinned and pulled me closer until...

"Selina? Sean?" a voice said, and it was... Montoya and Allen in the front seat!

"Montoya and Allen?" I asked. "I haven't seen you guys in two years, where have you been?!"

"You know," Montoya shrugged. "Just hanging out on the beach and – okay we won't tell Jim about you if you don't tell Jim about us."

"Deal." We got out of the car as fast as we could and never looked back ever again. Then I started thinking about other things Bruce and I did. Well, I did have an idea, but...

"Hey, I've seen Bruce naked." I said.

Sean stared at me all weird. "When was this?"

"It was a hot day, he was climbing a tree, I was making a colouring book, maybe I'll tell you the story someday. The point is, I haven't seen you naked yet."

"Not happening, Selina." Sean said. Meanie.

I sighed, "Fine. Now let's go somewhere private so we can continue this."

We found a nice spot on the beach a long ways away from the others near a beach house and Sean sat down on the beach. "Now what?"

That was a good question. "Well... Bruce and I went pole dancing once. Wanna see?"

Sean started to smile a little. "I mean, if you want to."

I went to go get my pole, and stuck it in the sand right next to the water. Then, I put on my pole-dancing outfit, which Sean loved. I saw it in his eyes as he was staring at my belly-button. Just in case you don't know, I have an adorable belly-button. Then, I bowed and started my dance.

"Cat?" Sean asked.

"What?" I asked, but I was busy twirling.

"Do you know what pole dancing is? Because it's not... whatever this is."

He can say whatever he wants, but I was like a princess twirling the pole on my feet and balancing it on my forehead and a bunch of other stuff that he wouldn't do in a million years. Then I started to do this amazing trick where I stuff the pole in my bra and start kissing it, and that's when Sean took my pole away.

"What else did you and Bruce do?" he asked.

He was really screwing up my list. "He likes it when I lick his belly."

Sean scoffed, "Please, who would find any kind of pleasure from that at all?"

"Have you ever actually tried it?"

"No, and I don't want to."

"Well if you've never tried it, how do you know you won't like it?"

"I'm pretty sure there are a few marijuana companies with that as their slogan."

"..."

"..."

He lifted up his shirt, and I gave his belly-button tiny little kisses. Then I started to lick his abs in little circles and breathed on his skin. His abs taste like manly. But he loved it!

Finally, the last activity I had planned for the day was to go swimming in the water and go diving. Sean was in his swimming pants and the two of us jumped in the water and started swimming around.

"You know what I've always wanted to do with Bruce?" I asked. "I want to know what it's like to make out underwater."

Sean shrugged. "Theoretically it should be the same as long as we hold our breath."

No problem. "Well, my handsome Sean, I'm not first trombone in the Ander's Prep school band for nothing!"

"Yeah, we were going to tell you as a group that you were kicked out of-"

I just jumped on him into the water. He was right. It did work, but it was soooooo much better! But then, I remembered that the reason Jack bought him a speedo was because his swim pants were too big. I guess we were being pretty rough because they just floated away.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming," I sang when Sean realized what was happening. They had just floated onto the shore.

"Cat, get my shorts for me." He said.

"Why don't you just get up here and get them yourself?"

"YOU KNOW WHY I CAN'T-" then he just gave up. He only stood up for like half a second, but still. Ooh mama.


	84. The Secret Diaries of Harley Quinzel

**Well, sorry that I didn't upload last week, but I was really busy with my band (Yes, I'm in the Lester B. Pearson High School Concert Band and we ROCK) but anyway, I'm back to normal schedule. Hope you enjoy this entry by Harley!**

Dare Die-hairy

Happy, happy day, we're going to the beach! I haven't been to the beach since it was declared toxic! Everyone was really excited about it, and the whole beach was so pretty like a dream! Also, it was a great day to go to the beach since it was NATIONAL SUBMARINE DAY! We're gonna go on a submarine and celebrate National Submarine day, the greatest holiday ever.

Everyone was kinda busy, so me and Ivy went to go walk around the shore and just looked at the view when suddenly we found this hairy dude sitting on the sand lookin' all Tom Hanks from Castaway. He was just starin' out over the water like they will, so I just had to ask him what the matter was. He looked so sad!

"Excuse me, hairy guy?" I said, and then I kicked him a little bit. "Who are you?"

He looked up at me with wise, big eyes and said, "I'm Alfred Pennyworth… from the future."

OMG. HE'S FROM THE FUTURE. It was a Submarine Day miracle! I huddled up with Ivy for a little girl chat and whispered, "He's from the future! And WE MET HIM FIRST!"

Sadly, Ivy wasn't as happy as me. "He's not from the future. He's just some random geezer that wants to borrow money."

She was just being mean. Future Alfred cleared his wise, futuristic voice and said, "In the year 2016, you people travelled back to this time period and left me here. Now I have to get back to the future on my time-travelling submarine."

O M F (The F stands for Fingers) G! That means that at some point in the future, we travel back in time with Alfred and then leave him here, and now he needs our help! Wait, if we help him now, does that mean we're gonna send him back to the future, and then grow up, travel back here with our Alfred and leave him here?! And then our Alfred is gonna need the help of our future selves from the past, who are gonna grow up and leave their Alfred here! AAAAAGHHHH MY BRAIN HURTS!

"Harley, I love you, so I'm going to say this straight." Ivy said. "This dude is not from the future. He just wants to borrow money. He doesn't even look like Alfred."

He was old and wrinkly, and that's good enough for me! "What do we do, oh wise Future Alfred?"

"I need to find my time machine to get back to my time. To do that, we have to find my arch-nemesis. The Future Harleen Quinzel."

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH OOOOO MMMMM GGGGG THIIIISSSS IS EPIIICCCCCC AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Okay, calm down, Harley. It's just Future Alfred who was trapped in the past by your future self. No biggie.

Ivy sighed, "Harley, I'm telling you this because friends don't let friends go on adventures with bearded weirdos. Don't go an adventure with this bearded weirdo."

Ivy must have been insane! "Ivy, if we don't send him back, then we rupture the timeline! If Future Alfred doesn't go back to the future, then we don't grow up and send Present Alfred back to the past and we destroy the world! We have to find my future self and get to the time machine. Now what should we do, Future Alfred?"

"We must follow the trail and find your future self. Come with me, I'll need your help." Future Alfred decreed, before walking triumphantly into the distance.

"Come on, Ivy." I said. I had to pull her along a little bit. "The future of the world depends on it!"

First, we had to find the magical time-travelling staff of the future Harley Quinn, which was right on the edge of the beach! Ivy thought it was just some random branch on the ground, but she wasn't gonna fool me. I knew it was a magic futuristic staff! Then, we went to the coast to get Future Harley Quinn's costume that was a cool futuristic looking hat. Some old lady had stolen it, so I had to pluck it off the old lady's head! Ivy tried to convince me that I had just stolen Bullock's fedora, but it had a futuristic vibe coming off of it. I feel like I've said the word 'futuristic' too many times in one paragraph. Futuristic, futuristic, futuristic, futuristic, futuristic, it doesn't even look like a real word anymore.

Finally, we got led to the street on the edge of the beach where Future Alfred just froze, gazing wistfully over the city.

"What do we do now, Future Alfred?" I asked, but then he stared at me all pensively.

He said to me, "We must get the location of the time machine from your future self. She's standing right over there." He pointed over the horizon with one shaky, wrinkled finger at a lady standing by a payphone in a brown coat.

"That's not you from the future, Harley!" Ivy growled at Future Alfred. "That's just Barbara Kean!"

Oh yeah, it was. "Explain yourself, Future Alfred."

Future Alfred nodded. "You know her as Barbara Kean because that is the name that she wants you to call her. In reality, she is not from this time period. She is Harleen Quinzel from the future. How else could you explain you both having blonde hair, two eyes, and five fingers on your left hands?"

OMG. It was true. How could I have not seen the signs? This entire time, Barbara was me from the future! It all made perfect sense.

Ivy sighed, "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard."

"What now, Future Alfred?" I asked.

He nodded. "This is something only you can do, Harley. Only you can trigger memories in your future self that will make her tell us where the time machine is. All of our futures are in your hands now. Are you ready to face your destiny, Harleen?"

"I'm ready, Future Alfred." I said.

Ivy sighed, "I'm gonna go get a soda."

I've been running from my destiny for too long – well, for about forty minutes since this morning – and now it's time to face who I am. I went right up to the future me and said, "HEY! FUTURE ME!"

Future Me shook her head, "Harley, it's me, Barbara. You know me. I supervised your church choir."

"Nice try, Future Me! I've got you all figured out."

"Oh no, did Jack put you up to something? Ugh, he's gonna pop out of a tree and jump on me any moment now, isn't he?"

Okay, it was Bad Cop time. "Where's the time machine, Future Me?!"

"Umm, are you talking about the restaurant 'The Time Machine'? Because that's down the street."

"I'm watching you, Future Me..." like a ninja, I slid away behind the bushes and back to Future Alfred, who was waiting with an impressed grin at the girl that just saved the future.

"It's down there, Future Alfred." I said. "What do we do now?"

Future Alfred just stared at me with his old, grey eyes and said, "I'm afraid this is where we part ways. You cannot follow me where I am going next without irreparably rupturing the time continuum."

"I understand. Future Alfred, I'm gonna miss you."

"Remember to treat your Alfred with all the love in the world, and carry this experience with you wherever you go. One more thing. To operate the time machine, I'll need twenty dollars."

That's legit, so I gave him a twenty dollar bill. He took it, smiled at me, and said nothing more as he walked down the street and disappeared around the corner.

"Harley?" Ivy said, sipping her soda. "You do realize that no one was from the future, right? An old homeless man just tricked you into buying him lunch."

"It's okay, Ivy. We just saved the world."

 **So I know that you all have suggestions that you want to make, and last time I got an amazing amount, so let's do something like that again! As you all know, Professor Strange's laboratory is full of amazing technology like mind-erasers, brain-swappers, shape-shifting rays, superpower formulas, and all that kind of stuff. So let me know in reviews what technology Professor Strange builds that the kids steal and have adventures with...**


	85. The Secret Diaries of Ivy Pepper

**And here's the last one, Ivy's chapter. Maybe I'll do something like this again soon...**

Deir Diarhee

I was in my room with Richard watching a movie about kids having an adventure on the beach. There were explosions and fighting and spies and the hero was shooting bad guys at a beach party and it was cool, I guess. Then, Jack came in and Richard started crying.

"Get out." I said. "Your aura is upsetting the baby."

Then, Jack sat down next to me. It's like he doesn't know I hate him. "Ooh, I love this movie! It's full of action and spies and explosions! By the way, Cheeves says we're going to the beach today. There's gonna be a film festival there, wanna come?"

Richard started cooing and grabbing at my shirt and bosoms. That means he wanted to go. "Whatever," I said.

Then, we drove to the beach. I was gonna go to the film festival later in the evening with Jack, Cat, and Richard. First, the four of us went to scope out the area where the festival was being held.

"Why do you think people still bother holding festivals in Gotham?" Cat asked. "I mean, every time one happens, a supervillain comes and kills people."

Richard gurgled and turned over in my arms to lick my teat. I sighed, "Richard's hungry, did anyone bring an extra bottle?"

We all turned around to see Jack chugging milk out of the extra baby bottle. He burped and grinned, "Where do people buy baby milk from? Like whose boob milk was I drinking? Wait, why are you all staring at me?"

Cat sighed, "Great, so now we're in the middle of the beach with a hungry baby. Thanks a lot, Jack!"

Then suddenly, Jim walked out from behind the corner of the parking lot, holding the arm of Silver St. Cloud, and Jack dropped his bottle. That's when she noticed us and it was an equally awkward moment for all of us. Jim was rubbing his forehead and would probably need aspirin later.

"Hey, Silver?" Jack asked. "Do you have any experience with having your boobs sucked on? And after I do that, do you have any milk for Richard?"

"Shouldn't you be dead?" Cat asked Silver. "Didn't Tabitha push you out a window or something?"

Jim sighed and said, "Actually, you kids might be able to help us. Silver is working off her prison sentence so she can move back to Switzerland, so she's trying to capture a criminal who's threatened to strike at the film festival tonight."

"Which criminal?" I asked.

Jim stuttered, "Uh... the name's not impor-"

"His evil twin brother Tim Gordon." Silver said, and Jim slapped his forehead.

"Yes, Tim is my brother. He just moved here from Starling city, and he just _loves_ to cause trouble and blame me for it. We're trying to catch him before he can cause any more trouble and get him out of this city. If you kids help us with that, perhaps there'll be a monetary reward for you."

"We have a butler." I said. "Money's not an issue. How about... first class tickets to the film festival?"

Jim sighed, "If Tim doesn't destroy the entire thing, sure."

Cat grinned, "Oh, sweet! It'll be just like that beach movie!"

Jim let go of Silver and left to go to a poker game with Bullock. Then, Silver was left with me, and the other two most mentally unstable members of the group.

"Did Bruce get my message?" she asked.

Cat laughed, "He got the message, a broken heart, PTSD, and most likely a few STDs thanks to you."

Silver nodded. "Could you not tell him I was here? I don't know what else to say to him. I hope you don't all hate me. Please, let's just work together to get this bad guy and then you'll never see me again." she took Richard from me and cradled him in her arms. She laughed quietly, "I'm guessing he doesn't belong to any of you?"

"Hold on," Cat said, "You still need your comeuppance. You kidnapped Bruce, so now... you have to help us with our submission to the film festival."

"What are you submitting to the festival?"

Two hours later, Silver was dressed as Elsa and was trying her very best to sing 'Let it Go" while Jack and Cat were throwing fake snow and plush snowmen at her as hard as they could. Jack brought in a confetti canon and rained sparkles down on the poor blonde while Richard, dressed as Olaf with a carrot in his mouth and wrapped in a white sheet, was trying his darn hardest to get milk out her.

"And cut!" Jack yelled, and turned off the camera right when Silver was completely covered in fake snow. "My directorial masterpiece is ready!"

"Are you expecting to win with this?!" Silver growled, spitting fake snow out of her mouth.

Cat shrugged, "No matter what happens, I win because you'll be pulling Styrofoam out of your bodily crevices for weeks."

Jack nodded, "Oh, and I'll be needing your panties. I'm not even gonna make up a reason why."

Later that day when the sun was starting to go down, the beach was crowded with people for the film festival, and Tim Gordon was nowhere in sight. We got a call from Jim, who seemed angry.

"You know, the point was to capture Tim _before_ the festival started." Jim yelled over the phone.

I said, "I know. We'll find Tim here."

"I'm not going to be there, so if you see me, it's Tim. Be careful."

Silver had disappeared, and we had brought the rest of the gang up to speed. Harley, Sean, and Bruce were on lookout while Jack and Cat were ready for their directorial debut and Jonny was next to me. I was holding Richard.

"So when's Tim Gordon gonna show up?" Jonny asked.

I shrugged, "How should I know? Is your knockout gas ready?"

Then, the lights went out, and the screen flickered on while everyone watched. The first thing to appear on screen were Jim Gordon's baby photos, featuring one where he was sucking on a pacifier in the bathtub, and one where he was crying and his diaper was full. Everyone started laughing, and the voice came on.

"Good evening, Gotham. Many of you will know my twin brother, Jim Gordon, but I'm not like him at all. Some might say I'm the reverse."

"So..." Bruce asked, "You're the Reverse-Jim?"

"No, that's stupid." The voice said. "My name is Tim Gordon!"

Then everyone in the crowd started giggling, and that's when Tim got pissed. He jumped on stage, looking exactly like Jim, except with an eyepatch over one eye and a handlebar moustache. He laughed evilly, and his henchmen flooded the place with their guns pointed at the people.

The others jumped into action. Sean whipped out his bo staff and ran across the room, knocking down the goons with it. Bruce jumped on one and started punching the living fudge out of him while Cat bent one over and whipped his bottom. Harley and Jack stood back to back and fired away with their boxing glove guns. Jonny threw a gas mask on his face and threw gas bombs at the ground, sending goons to the ground screaming. One came at me, and I grabbed his neck and gave him a big kiss, and he fell to the ground from poisoning. I can do that, you know.

When all the goons were down, Tim Gordon laughed and said, "A bunch of kids? You can't stop me!" he grabbed a gun out of his pocket and aimed it at Bruce, but then at the last second, Silver jumped out and tackled him, making him drop the gun.

Harley and Jack fired boxing gloves at Tim, while Sean threw his staff, Cat lassoed him with her whip, Bruce threw some iron-cast balls, and Jonny launched a gas bomb at him. The force threw Tim backwards through the screen and onto the sand unconscious. One of the patrons called the cops.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Silver talking to Bruce. She said something really fast and kissed him before running away. None of us followed. Then, Pennyworth came back.

"YOU BLOODY CHILDREN KILLED JIM GORDON!" Pennyworth jumped on Tim's body and tried resuscitating him. It worked, and Tim punched Pennyworth in the face and stole his car, riding off into the sunset. He'd be back.

Pennyworth fixed his jaw and groaned, "So, you kids have a good day at the beach?"

 **Next chapter is a crossover, let FanWriter83 and I know what you want to see for that...**


	86. The Secret Diaries of Sean Ornelas

**Okay, so you guys have been wondering why I didn't upload Sean's beach chapter, and the reason for that is I thought you guys wouldn't be interested in having two Sean narrated chapters so close together. Like, would we enjoy Christmas as much if it happened twice a month? Anyway, I did have this chapter saved, so I figured I'd just publish it as part of the beach arc. I'll still upload on Sunday, so this is like a special present bonus chapter.**

Dear Diary (See guys, this is how you spell it) ( _Your spelling is boring)_ (Jack, get out of my entry) ( **Well you shouldn't leave your notebook on the kitchen table)** (You're not helping, Selina) ( _See, she's on my side!)_ ( **Umm, no, I'm not.)** (Ok, I'm going to the Flea and I'm taking my notebook with me!) ( _Why do you even have a notebook? Is that like you're too manly for a diary but too pretentious for a journal?_ ) (I hate you guys.)

It turned out that the day all of us were going to the beach was the day a big surfing contest was going down. I hadn't been surfing for a long time, but I could pick it up again pretty fast. I was going to give it a shot again. Bruce had a couple of surfboards for us to use.

When we arrived at the beach, I jumped out of the car and breathed in the salty air when Selina tapped my shoulder and said, "By the way, this is a skinny-dipping beach."

"Really?" I asked.

Selina nodded. "Yep. Come on, Gothamites have to be naked somewhere."

On one hand, I wasn't stupid and I knew she was lying. On the other hand, that meant she would also be naked... No, that wasn't happening. I changed into my swimsuit, got my surfboard and headed out to meet the waves, but it turned out that Selina and Harley were into surfing too, or at least I think they were.

"Are you entering the surfing contest?" I asked.

Selina laughed, "Umm, duh. I'm a champion surfer."

"Well," I said, "It'll be nice to see you get an award, even if it is for second place."

Selina's eyes widened, meaning she was pissed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"No offense, just that whenever we compete in things together, I usually win. Like a hundred percent of the time."

Harley nodded, "It's true, he does."

Selina inched closer to me and put her pinky finger on my nipple (for some reason) and said, "Well, it's on then. I'll have you know I spent three weeks living in a Buddhist temple studying harmony and balance."

Harley whispered to her, "I thought you spent three weeks stuck in the attic of a Buddhist temple."

"I still achieved inner peace and stuff." she said, and smirked at me, putting her other pinky finger in my bellybutton (for some reason) and laughing, "Let's get started then. Harley, stick your finger on his other nipple!"

"Why?" I asked.

Selina shrugged, "I don't know. Fans like it when I do weird stuff like this."

Harley whispered, "His nipple's getting harder..."

"Let's just get our surfboards."

First, we decided to do a few practise rounds before the contest. I grabbed my board and swam out to the waves. When the waves started to rise, I got up on my board and prepared for the ride, but that's also when Selina got up on hers. She waved to me as she rode past me. Okay, it was time to go full power.

When the wave ended, Selina and I both ended up back on the shore.

"I won that." Selina grinned.

I sighed, "I was just practising. You have to start slow so you have a foundation to-"

"You know, there are no rules that say this isn't a skinny-dipping beach. I could take off my clothes right here, right now, and we could see how good we really are."

"Wait, why does wearing clothes affect our performance?"

"Don't change the subject, Sean. Let's get practising."

The next thing I wanted to do was practise with balance since I was still kind of rusty. Surfers practise by testing their own balances on boards while on water, so I tried doing some handstands on the board. That's when Selina popped around again and grinned, "You're upside down."

"Don't you have some practise to do?" I asked.

She shook her head. "You know, you're pretty vulnerable right now. I could take off your swimsuit right now and you wouldn't be able to do anything about it."

"Are you just trying to distract me now?" I asked.

"Mmyup." Selina smiled, swimming below me. "Hey, now that you're upside down, wanna try the Spider-Man kiss?"

She just really quickly pecked my lips, and my eyes shut for some reason, and then I lost my balance and tipped over. It was not a pleasant feeling.

Finally, it was time for the big surf contest. Selina was stretching on her board and I was getting ready to beat her when the other people filed in, contestants and watchers, including Bullock.

He came up to me and whispered, "So, make your move yet?"

I shook my head. I didn't know why he was so curious about my love life, but... "Kind of."

Bullock laughed, "Does she look cute in her swimsuit?"

She did have a really cute bellybutton. Bullock wished me good luck and went to join the crowd when I scoped out the competition. It was just some lightweight guys, some hippies, I saw Ms. Peabody in there for some reason, but there was no one I was worried about. Selina was the only one that was up to par, and she was doing some weird yoga stretching that involved slapping her own face with her feet, so I wasn't worried.

All of us swam out to the wake with our boards and waited for the wave to rise, and when it did, it was the biggest one I'd seen in a while. Selina was doing some weird cartwheel thing on her board that was half meant to distract me and half her being weird, but I had to top that. I hadn't done a one-handed headstand in a while.

Finally, the waves washed us back on the shore, and the judges were calculating who won when Selina came up to me and pat my head. "Nice try, kiddo, but I've got this one."

"Selina, your mental intimidation isn't going to work on me."

"Your nipples are getting harder." And then she ran away giggling.

Finally, a judge stood up with his card and announced, "The winner is-" and that's when a supervillain wearing a flaming jetpack with dual flamethrowers flew in and set the entire place on fire (I think she called herself the Firefly) and made the judges ran away.

"Should have known." Harley shrugged. "That's what you get for trying to throw a special event in Gotham."

Everyone had run away, and Firefly set the judge's pants on fire, so we were the only ones left on the beach after everyone left. Then, Selina smiled, "You know, this still could be a skinny-dipping beach. We have a few hours left."

Well, I didn't have anything left to lose, and she had already seen me naked a lot. So, my hand reached for the waistband of my swimsuit.


	87. The Kid's Morning Routines

**Yes, it's that time of year. Fasten your seatbelts and cover your ears because Alfred is gonna be very angry.**

* * *

 **#-1: I am not allowed to make puns about things**

"Hey, Alfred!" Selina yells.

Alfred, coming down the stairs, sighs and slowly turns his head to see the cat burglar wandering around and flipping pillows yelling, "Does anyone have a lighter?"

Suddenly, Bruce walks in holding two bags full of cigarettes. Alfred is about to ask what's going on when Bruce takes one cigarette out of his bag and drops it on the ground. "There you go, Selina!"

Alfred sighs, "She asked for a cigarette lighter, Master B."

Bruce nods, "Yeah. I was holding thirty pounds of cigarettes, and now I'm a cigarette lighter."

"OOOOOooooOOOOOoooooOOOOooooOOOOO" Bruce, Sean, and Selina yell as Alfred sighs and goes to do the laundry.

* * *

"Hey, Alfred!" Selina yells.

Alfred, coming down the stairs, sighs and slowly turns his head to see Selina clipping pieces of paper onto the ceiling fan. On the pieces of paper were mathematical drawings showing two points on a flat surface connected with a straight line.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asks.

Selina sighs, "These are planes. And I'm hanging them in the air so they aren't touching the ground."

"What?"

"I'm an air-plane hangar."

"OOOOOooooOOOOOoooooOOOOooooOOOOO" Bruce, Sean, and Selina yell as Alfred sighs and goes to wash to dishes.

* * *

"Hey, Alfred!" Bruce yells.

Alfred, coming down the stairs, sighs and slowly turns his head to see Bruce dropping small plastic tiles onto Selina's body as she lay on the floor. When he picked up one of the tiles, Alfred discovered it was a bunch of the keys on a keyboard that said ctrl.

"Control keys?" Alfred asks.

Bruce nods, "Yeah. I just had them made a few minutes ago. You could say they were born pretty recently."

"Okay, so why are you sprinkling them on Miss Kyle?"

Bruce shrugged, "Isn't it obvious? I'm putting Selina under new birth control."

"OOOOOooooOOOOOoooooOOOOooooOOOOO" Bruce, Sean, and Selina yell as Alfred sighs and goes to get his aspirin.

* * *

 **#-2: I'm not allowed to spy on Bruce in the morning.**

The young cat burglar, hiding in the air vents in the bathroom, is spying on young Bruce Wayne as he's getting ready. Bruce has his hair gel, toothbrush, and lotion, and Selina is ready to record it all on her video camera while providing a commentary in Bruce's voice.

"Hi, I'm Bruce Wayne and this is my morning routine. First, I wake up and brush my teeth with my special billionaire toothbrush made of solid gold. I brush in little circles so my billionaire teeth will be shiny and white all day. Then, I put on some male make-up to make sure I'm super cute for my kitty, Selina. After I'm done, I start on my hair. I squirt a little hair gel in my hands and start on my hair. And I'm still doing my hair, making sure that I look really super cute today. And I'm still gelling my hair. Wow, this is taking a while. Finally, I'm done! Now I'm stepping in the shower and taking off my – oh mama. Okay, turning off the camera now. Kitty-Cat Selina has to focus."

* * *

 **#-3: I'm not allowed to spy on Sean in the morning.**

Selina is once again in the air vents of the manor spying on her kitty toys when she happens upon Sean's room. Once again, she whips out her video camera and uses her best Sean voice.

"Hi, I'm Sean and this is my morning routine. First, I wake up and get into a karate position just in case someone kidnapped me while I was sleeping, and then just start doing some weird tai chi thingy with my hands. Then, I take off my shirt and start lifting weights that weigh like two bazillion pounds, which is like more than Alfred weighs. Then, I fluff up my hair and wear nice clothes to make sure I look good for my kitty, Selina. Finally, I go to my bed, grab my picture of Selina from under my pillow, and give her a little kiss before going off on my – wait, what's he doing? Awwww!"

* * *

 **#-4: I'm not allowed to spy on Alfred in the morning.**

Deep in the bowels of the manor's air vents, Selina is watching Alfred in his bedroom go about his morning routine with a camera and is doing her best impression of his voice.

"Pip pip cheerio, lads, I'm Alfred and this is my morning routine, hot diggity. First, I check to make sure that cheeky minx Selina hasn't gotten all up in my grill, then I go make myself some british eggs on toast, love. Then, I clean some plates and polish my butler of the year trophies and all that shizzle, and then I go about my day running baths and pip pip croissant I have to-"

Unfortunately, she's whispering very loudly and Alfred yells up to her, "British people do not sound like that!"

* * *

 **#-5: I'm not allowed to play very appropriate music when Ed does something intelligent.**

Ed is in his cell in Arkham Asylum. He had been collecting grease and potassium from his past lunches for weeks in order to dilute a substance that could be used to corrode locks, like the locks on his cell. He was just about to finish the formula by dropping one last chemical into the beaker when suddenly, there was the sound of a boombox singing,

"Billy Nye the Science Guy! BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL! Bill Nye the Science Guy!"

"WHO LET YOU INTO MY CELL?!"


	88. Dent-spection (Part One)

**Hey, sorry for not uploading last week. Another chapter will be coming tomorrow probably. Remember, this is narrated by Alfred again.**

 _Cat ran up to the front of Arkham Asylum and looked the guard in the face, grinning, "I'd like to enter your asylum, please!"_

 _"_ _Why?" the guard asked._

 _"_ _I want to talk to some crazy people!"_

 _"_ _Oh, okay then."_

Dear Diary,

Today, I was privy to my first encounter with Team PenguinEggs. It's just as weird as it sounds.

The first thing that happened this morning was Miss Quinzel running into the kitchen and screaming, "Jack put a snowball down my back!"

That was the part that concerned me, since it was not even a cold day. I ran outside and found that it was indeed snow that the kids were playing with. All of them were out rolling around in the snow that covered the ground. Even Richard was lying in the snow making a tiny snow angel.

"Where did this snow come from?!" I yelled.

"Well..." Miss Kyle started. "Today, Harley wanted more cheese on her Panini, so I had to go to the grocery store to pick up some cheese. Then, Jack said he wanted to come to pick up some Australian lotion for his sensitive-"

"Is this story going somewhere?" I asked.

"Anyway, Jack and I went to pick up some cheese, and he didn't feel like paying, so he put it in his pocket and tried walking out the door. Then, alarms went off, and it turned out that we're not the ones that set them off. There was a weird guy with this really big gun that was trying to rob the store, the alarms scared him off, but he dropped his gun!"

I sighed, "So where is this gun?"

I followed Miss Kyle's gaze and saw Mister Crane shooting a blue stream of light into the sky, making fluffy white snowflakes rain down on the yard. The gun was huge and metallic, with a blue test tube coming out of the top, glowing with energy.

Then, a police car pulled up to our driveway. I was instantly very worried about what was going to happen when Captain Barnes and Penguin stepped out together.

"MAYOR PENNYWORTH!" Barnes yelled. "THE GCPD HAS BEEN TRACKING A MAN KILLING PEOPLE WITH A FREEZE GUN AND WE NOTICED SNOW FALLING ONTO YOUR MANOR!"

"Awfully suspicious, I must say." Penguin said, shaking his head.

That was confusing. I hesitated, but then asked, "Wait, are you two partners or something?"

"OH, HECK NO! RIGHT AFTER THIS, I'M TAKING THIS DIRTBAG STRAIGHT TO ARKHAM ASYLUM!"

"And right after this, I'm breaking out of Arkham Asylum and setting the GCPD on fire." Penguin smirked. "But you denied both of us funding for our programs, so we're teaming up to expose you as a fraud and getting you taken down. And it turns out that we already did, since you're hiding Mr. Freeze in your own mansion!"

"Mr. Freeze?" I asked.

"I wouldn't freeze someone." Jonny said. "When you're frozen, you cannot feel fear."

"HARVEY DENT WILL BE COMING BY LATER TO INSPECT YOUR MANSION AND GET YOU IMPEACHED AS MAYOR!" Barnes yelled. "TEAM PENGUINEGGS OUT!"

Captain Barnes and Cobblepot got back in the police car and rode away, while the kids just stare at me. "Don't worry, Alfred. They won't be able to prove anything." Miss Kyle said. "We don't have any weapons or anything that would prove a criminal lives here."

Mister Kerr grinned, "Actually, six criminals live here. Seven if you count Bruce's adventure with the flamethrower."

Then, I remembered something very important and ran into the manor to check on the kid's bedrooms. First, I came across Mister Ornelas' chest full of brass knuckles and blunt weapons. After that, I went to see Miss Kyle's bedroom full of whips, sticks, and guns. That, in addition to Mister Kerr's masochism chamber/ red room of pain and Miss Pepper's drug garden made it painfully aware that this was no place for a mayor to be, and if Dent saw this, I would likely be impeached.

"Okay, family meeting!" I yelled. All eight kids came down to the living room and sat on the couch, and I started, "Okay, Harvey Dent is coming over later today and inspecting the manor to see if I'm housing a criminal, and if I am, he's going to tell city council that I am not fit to be mayor and impeach me, so if you like having unlimited access to city council restricted areas of the city, you'll help me get rid of all the dangerous things in the house!"

Master B sighed, "But weapons are only bad if they're used to harm people, and we haven't-"

"Ahem," Mister Kerr said.

"Most of us haven't-"

"Umm..." Mister Ornelas cringed.

"Some of us haven't-"

"Bruce?" Miss Kyle asked.

"A few of us haven't-"

"About that...?" Miss Pepper said.

"I understand your plan." Master Bruce sighed.

Mister Crane thought for a while. "What are we going to do with all the weapons? Because I have a few gas bombs that'll go off if you try to destroy them."

Mister Ornelas gasped, "That's it! We can store them in the secret cave until after the inspection!"

Our plan was set. Each of the kids got all the dangerous items from their rooms and slowly brought them down to the secret cave. Each one had a box of items, and by the end, we had labelled about sixteen boxes full of whips, bombs, clubs, guns, and magic mushrooms among other more exotic weapons. I had closed off the fireplace and the house was looking tidy.

"Okay, I think this is going to work." I said. "Now as long as you kids are on your best behaviour while Dent is here, I think I have a shot at staying the mayor of – wait, where's Mister Kerr?"

Miss Pepper shrugged, "You told us to lock every dangerous thing in the manor down in the cave."

There was a banging from the back of the fireplace and Mister Kerr's muffled voice yelled, "Hey! Let me out! Alfred! You can't be okay with this!"

"I'm okay with it." I said. No explanation needed. Anyway, the doorbell rang and we saw Dent with Captain Barnes and Penguin, and I opened the door.

"Mister Dent?" I asked. "You're also working with Penguin?"

Dent stared at me, "Team... PenguinEggs has alerted me that you may not be fit to be the mayor of Gotham. May I have a look around?"

Just then, Miss Kyle walked by and grinned, "If only you put this much effort into investigating Galavan..."

The three walked into our manor and looked around the study. The kids were on the couch pretending to read. Dent nodded, "I've heard about the orphaned kids that you've taken in. Did you do background checks on them?"

"I'll check _your_ background." Miss Quinzel growled.

"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, QUINZEL?" Barnes yelled.

Master Bruce jumped up, "You're the problem! Alfred is a great mayor and you have no reason to be searching our mansion."

Just then, the fireplace was dragged backwards, and we all watched in horror as Mister Kerr came out of the cave sighing, "Ugh, found a button on the entrance. So, can we talk about you guys locking me in there?"

Dent gasped and went back to look down into the cave with Penguin and Barnes. The three slowly walked down the steps, breathing in shock and horror. "What is this?!"

"They know about the cave!" Miss Pepper whispered. "What do we do?"

"I have an idea!" Miss Kyle grinned and pressed the button on the remote, effectively closing the fireplace and locking the three down there.


	89. Dent-spection (Part Two)

_Cat, Bruce, and Sean were walking in through the halls of Arkham Asylum, looking around for anyone they knew. The first person they saw was Ed._

 _"Ed?" Bruce asked. "What are you doing in here?"_

 _"I've had a very busy few hours."_

 _Cat looked around and saw Barbara, and that was the perfect opportunity to spread her mischief._

Dear Diary,

We are now approaching day two of keeping Penguin, Barnes, and Dent in our secret cave, during which time we slid pizza and juice under the door to keep them fed and a few blankets, pillows, and a laptop with some movies so they could have a slumber party. This morning, Miss Pepper came up to me and said, "Alfred, Penguin wants tetrazzini for breakfast today, and Dent wants a nail file because he chipped a nail down there." That was when I decided that we had to do something.

I called a family meeting and all the kids came down to sit in the study. I asked them, "Alright, what do we suppose we do about our situation?"

"What situation?" Miss Kyle asked.

Mister Crane sighed, "The three people we're keeping in our basement cave."

"Oh yeah."

Mister Ornelas shrugged, "Why can't we just let them go?"

I growled, "Because they'd likely impeach me as mayor and arrest us for illegally keeping them hostage. Some of us actually care about our criminal records, now what are our other options?"

Miss Quinzel shrugged, "We could knock them out and drop them off in Alaska."

"What has Alaska ever done to you?" I asked. "Mister Crane, do you have an amnesia gas that will erase their memories of the past day and a half?"

Mister Crane nodded, "I'll need time to perfect the formula."

I nodded, "Perfect. Until then, I say we open the cave but keep them inside the manor to keep them from blowing each other up. I don't think Penguin and Barnes can stay down there for long with each other and a bunch of deadly weapons."

Just then, we heard a punching sound from the cave and Penguin yelled, "Agh! My leg! You punched my leg and I – wait... it's fixed! My leg is fixed! I don't have to walk like a Penguin anymore! Yeah, this is – AGH, HE PUNCHED ME IN MY OTHER LEG! Perfect, now I'm gonna limp on my other leg."

We didn't have any weapons left, so we grabbed the broom to defend ourselves. We walked up to the front of the cave and I gave the cue to Master Bruce to press the button. The fireplace slowly opened, and we readied ourselves for the three captives to run at us with the deadly weapons we kept with them. Instead, nothing came out.

"Oh, great." Miss Pepper said. "We killed them. I'll go tell Jonny to stop working on the formula."

"You stay right here." I said, and peered down into the cave. To my surprise, I found the three of them sitting on the floor and eating the British breakfast we slid under the door for them. "Captain Barnes? Dent? Penguin?"

"Oh hi, Alfred." Penguin smiled. "We could use more tea."

I warily came closer, the broom in hand. "Well... we were going to discuss what it's going to take to keep you quiet about the cave, but..."

"What?" Dent asked. "Oh – yes this is very illegal and we'll have to tell city hall and get you impeached straight away."

"BUT FIRST," Barnes said. "WE'LL HAVE TO STAY A WHILE TO DO SOME PAPERWORK, SO YOU HAVE A FEW HOURS TO CHANGE OUR MINDS!"

Penguin grinned, "Yes, a few hours of us being in a mansion full of money and a butler that caters to our every need – uhh I mean a quiet working environment!"

This was not good. I think the kids knew that if they pulled anything on the three, their free access to city hall on all restricted areas of the city would be gone, so they had to behave. As for me, being mayor was my chance to make a difference in this city, and I was not going to blow it.

Barnes requested eggs Benedict, Dent wanted a hot towel, and Penguin needed a gluten-free meal for lunch. After, I came to the study to bring them their food when I saw Mister Kerr with Penguin.

"Turn on the TV!" Penguin yelled.

Mister Kerr growled, "Why don't you do it? The remote is literally two inches in front of you."

Penguin sneered, "But you're the butler."

Mister Kerr hissed and grabbed the remote, pressing the power button.

"Great!" Penguin exclaimed. "Now turn on channel seventeen. I love Late Night reruns."

Mister Kerr turned on chancel seventeen. "Happy?"

"No. The volumes weird. Turn it a little higher."

Mister Kerr turned it higher.

"No, lower."

Mister Kerr turned it lower.

"No, you passed it. Higher."

Mister Kerr turned it higher.

"Little more."

Mister Kerr turned it up a little more.

"Just a teeny bit more."

Mister Kerr turned it up a teeny bit more.

"Almost there!"

Mister Kerr turned it up just the tiniest bit more.

"Nah, I changed my mind. Turn off the TV and fetch my radio."

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU-"

Miss Kyle had to grab Mister Kerr's arms and drag him away before he punched Penguin to death.

Meanwhile, Barnes was recently out of his bath and was walking around upstairs while Miss Quinzel ran down the stairs screaming, "AAAAHHHHH! CAPTAIN BARNES WEARING A TOWEL! I NEED EYE BLEACH! I NEED EYE BLEACH!"

Dent was having a laugh giving Mister Ornelas and Master Bruce some dishes to wash, and soon, Barnes was downstairs, wearing only a towel around his waist and a towel around his head, flashing his disgusting chest hairs everywhere. "NEXT TIME, ADD BUBBLES TO MY BATH!"

Just then, Mister Crane came downstairs holding a test tube and said, "Okay, my newest formula is now complete."

Just in time. I said, "Kids, if you wouldn't mind?"

All the kids jumped on the adults at once, hitting them in the heads and knocking them unconscious on the ground. Miss Quinzel yelled, "Jack, no!" with perfect timing, making Mister Kerr freeze just before he could bring an axe down on Penguin.

We had our plan. We would lock the three back in the cave, close it off, and then release the amnesia gas. After the kids through the adults down the stairs not as gently as they could have, but deservedly, we closed the fireplace and Mister Crane released the gas. Green gas flowed down into the cave and through their lungs. When it was done, we flushed the gas out of the cave and into the sewers where it couldn't do any harm, and we opened the cave to find the three still unconscious.

"Now what?" Miss Kyle asked.

Anyway, I'm not proud of my next actions, but they had to be done, and the kids didn't mind. They helped me dump their bodies in the trunk of the car and together, we drove off to the middle of town, where we dumped them on the sidewalk and promptly drove away as fast as we could. As far as I could tell, the plan worked perfectly and they wouldn't remember a thing. The only thing was that while we were driving away, we heard them wake up and Barnes yelling, "WHY AM I LYING ON THE GROUND? PENGUIN? GET UP, WE STILL NEED TO TAKE DOWN MAYOR PENNYWORTH!"


	90. Boots and Burning Couches

_Barbara Kean was sitting in the cafeteria of Arkham Asylum sipping her tea and reading a newspaper about her dream boyfriend Jim Gordon._ Ooh, he's so hot, _Barbara thought._ I want to lick his face.

 _Suddenly, Selina, Bruce, and Sean ran in, tripping over each other to show the diary to Barbara. Meanwhile, the guards were not concerned at all about kids showing a strange book to a convicted murderer._

Dear Diary,

A little known fact about me that was made extremely known today is my severe arachnophobia. When I was a child, I had a near-death experience involving a spider bite and I can no longer tolerate anything with eight legs and tiny hairs. I've kept this from the kids for as long as I could, but...

This morning, all of them went into town and I was left by myself at home. Master Bruce was going for a walk with Miss Kyle and Mister Ornelas, Miss Pepper and Mister Crane were at the movies, and Miss Quinzel was at a club with Mister Kerr. I could spend my evening quietly taking care of Richard and doing mayoral business when suddenly I noticed a spider on the ground.

A big, hairy spider with giant venomous fangs was staring at me from the kitchen floor with evil, black, beady eyes. Nope, this was not happening. There was not a spider in the house. I was sure not touching that evil little thing, so the first person I called was Detective Bullock. He surprisingly understood, and said he'd send someone over. And of course, those people were...

"Okay, Alfred." Miss Pepper said. "Let me talk to it." She walked in with Mister Crane looking very professional. "Let me talk to this thing."

"Talk to it?" I asked.

She ignored me. "Where is it?"

I pointed to the spot on the floor and went downstairs with Mister Crane while she whispered to it. After a few minutes, she came down to us with a sad face.

"What did it say?" I asked.

Miss Pepper sighed, "I can't repeat what it said. I'm just a little girl."

Mister Crane cracked his knuckles. "Time for plan B." He went up to his room to get a gas hose and a canister that he strapped onto his back, along with a pair of goggles and a gas mask that looked strangely like a scarecrow's face. We followed him up the steps and I kept my distance from that monstrous spider.

"My gas will knock out the spider long enough for us to take it back outside." He said, and pulled the mask over his face to start spraying the red gas at the creature.

I nodded, "That's a solid plan, Mister Crane."

"Good job, Jonny." Miss Pepper said, as he was still emptying his gas canister into the study.

Then I suddenly realized, "Miss Pepper? Shouldn't we have also worn gas masks?"

"Yeah, you should have." Miss Pepper said. "Not me. Ever since we first met, Jonny has been slowly injecting me with fear toxin so now I'm completely immune to any gas he can-" she said, before she fell limply onto the floor and passed out from the gas. Shortly after, my head started feeling faint, and I too collapsed on the ground from gas inhalation. I wasn't sure of what happened afterwards, but from what I'm told, Mister Crane took off his mask to ask us what was wrong and also passed out.

I only woke up a short hour later when something tickled my face. Something hairy. When I opened my eyes, I saw the gigantic black spider sitting across my face with its horrible little legs in my mouth. I am not proud of the... immaculate scream that came out of my mouth, but no one has to know about that.

When I jumped up, it fell of off me and crawled across the floor into the kitchen. Miss Pepper and Mister Crane woke up and asked, "Where did it go?"

"That bloody horrible monster is in the kitchen!" I yelled. "Get in there and kill it!"

Miss Pepper shrugged, "I've done all I can do. I'll go call Cat."

Moments later, the front door opened, and Miss Kyle walked in with some kind of weird gun, followed by Mister Ornelas and Master B. Miss Kyle stretched a bit and grinned, "So what's the problem, Alfredo?"

I sighed, "A monstrous spider is in the kitchen right now. Go and kill it."

Miss Kyle smiled, "Good thing I have a gun that shoots boots, perfect for killing a spider. I'll be right back." She walked into the kitchen while the rest of us stared. She disappeared through the door, and there were the sounds of glasses and bowls shattering and things breaking. After a long moment of silence, the black spider-demon crawled out of the kitchen and made its way under the couch while Miss Kyle walked out of the kitchen with an embarrassed face. "That could have gone better."

"You guys are pathetic." Mister Ornelas sighed. He threw Master Bruce a bo staff, and took two kali sticks out for himself. On the count of three, Master B pushed the couch to the side and Mister Ornelas brought his kali stick down on the spider. He kept it there for a long time.

"Did you do it?" I asked. "You killed the spider?"

Mister Ornelas smiled, "Yeah, I think I did. I have to teach all of you how to use weapons, you guys are-"

"SEAN, IT'S ON THE STICK!"

Mister Ornelas turned around with a girlish shriek and jumped in surprise when he saw the spider crawling down the stick to his hand. He all stared at him and he shrugged, "What? I'm not immune to being surprised, you know."

The two boys swung around with their weapons trying to murder that devil spider, knocking over vases and hitting picture frames but the spider crawling around too fast. They kept that up for a few minutes without any progress. They were even slowing down from exhaustion when the front door was thrown open and we turned to see Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel standing there holding flamethrowers.

"We heard about your dilemma." Mister Kerr grinned. "NOW WHO'S READY FOR SOME SPIDER BARBEQUE?!" The two of them turned on their flamethrowers, the rest of us moving out of the way quick enough to prevent being broiled alive. The two maniacs laughed hysterically while trying to burn the spider alive, but it was too fast. It ran out the front door, and Mister Kerr ran after it while Master Bruce grabbed a fire extinguisher and tried to save our burning couch.

The rest of us chased after Mister Kerr as he ran after the spider as fast as he could before suddenly stopping. I couldn't see why he had stopped until I ran up to him and saw for myself.

The Penguin was standing at the front gate of Wayne Manor with his arms crossed and a sneer across his face. "Having a spider problem?" he asked. "Here's a little advice for you, Alfred. Always bring the right tools for the job."

With that, he stepped aside and loud rock music blared as Butch Gilzean stepped out from behind him holding a bazooka. We watched with a mix of fear and fascination as he pulled the trigger, and a missile shot out at the spider on the ground, exploding the little monster into tiny pieces.

Penguin smiled at his handiwork, satisfied. "Let's go, Butch."

The two of them walked out of our property back to the car while we just stared, trying to process what had happened.

"How long have they been standing there waiting for something like this to happen?" Miss Quinzel asked.


	91. The Original Trainers of Bruce Wayne

_"_ _Wait..." Barbara asked. "Who's Alfred again?"_

Dear Diary,

This morning, I awoke to find out that most of the kids had left town to go see some family relatives, leaving just me, Richard, Master Bruce, Miss Kyle, and Mister Kerr at the mansion. Four less kids to worry about.

Anyway, I had been noticing that Master B hadn't been asking me for training recently, which was fine since my old bones can't handle much of that. I supposed he had been going to Mister Ornelas and Miss Kyle for that, but now that Mister Ornelas was out of town and Miss Kyle's training had gotten a tad too... kinky for him, he decided to ask Mister Kerr. That was why I came down and found him trying to murder our garden gnomes with a flamethrower.

"Master Bruce, what do you think you're doing?!" I yelled, running to grab the bloody thing away from him.

He sighed, "I'm trying to train. Jack's methods are effective."

"Yeah, about as effective as a jab in the eye." I growled. "Why don't you go find some other people to train you?"

Bruce shrugged, "Okay." And ran back into the house. Meanwhile, Mister Kerr was about to pick up the flamethrower himself before I threw it into the pond.

I went to go fold some laundry downstairs for a few hours, and I came back up when I heard a knock at the door. I went up to answer it and saw Miss Kyle standing with Mister Nygma.

"Bruce told me to go find some people to train him." Miss Kyle said. "So I found Ed."

Master Bruce came to the door to see him standing there and asked, "What could Ed possible teach me?"

Nygma cracked his knuckles and sighed, "What is your name?

"Bruce."

"What's the first letter of that?"

"B."

"Which is the second letter of the alphabet. Alfred, what's the first letter of your name?"

"A." I said.

Nygma smiled, "And Selina, what the first letter of your name?"

"S."

"Ah, but you go by Cat, don't you? What's the first letter of that?"

"C."

"A, B, C. Those are the first three letters of the alphabet. A triangle has three sides. Illuminati confirmed."

Miss Kyle gasped, "OMG you just blew my mind!"

I sighed, "Miss Kyle, please remove him from my home and if you have to, find someone else to train Master Bruce."

Miss Kyle sighed, "Fine. Come on, Ed, we're going back to Arkham."

The door closed, and I went to do some dishes. Just an hour later, the doorbell rang a second time. Master Bruce and I went down to see who it was, but this time, I looked through the peephole. I found Miss Kyle standing at the door with a man with black, oily hair and a long black robe.

I opened the door, and Miss Kyle grinned, "Okay, since you wouldn't let Ed train Bruce, this is Professor Snape!"

"I can teach you to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses." Professor Snape hissed. "I can show you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper on death."

Miss Kyle whispers, "He's kind of a drinker."

I slammed the door on those two and went back to doing my very important work. For a few hours, things were okay, and so I went to grab Richard and decided to read the little one a story. After all, you should read to babies so they can grow up and appreciate stories. Halfway through, the door opened again. I didn't see who it was, just Miss Kyle's voice beaming, "So Ed and Professor Snape didn't work out, so here to train Bruce is my new friend, Magic Mike!"

Master Bruce watched in shock as a man wearing just his underwear danced in our doorway and humped the door frames while Miss Kyle cheered and colourful lights and music went off behind them.

"Miss Kyle!" I yelled. "Take your friend Magic Mike somewhere else!"

Miss Kyle peeked around the doorway and shrugged, "Okay, I'll take him back to Bullock's place."

An hour passed, and I had long grown tired of our guests when I opened the door for the last time and Miss Kyle beamed, "This is Christian Grey!"

"I'm fifty shades of f***ed up." He nodded, wearing a black business suit and holding a play kit that read, _Christian Grey's Red Room of Pain: Mobile Play Set for ages 6+_.

"Mr. Grey, please leave." I growled, hoping he'd get the message.

Miss Kyle sighed, "Well you won't let me train Bruce and you won't let other people train Bruce, so who's he supposed to train from? Because that boy has to train. Right now, he's locked in his bedroom with a laptop and a bunch of tissues doing that thing that all teenage boys do when they're bored."

"Oh..." I said. "Well... I suppose that's a natural part of-"

"There is nothing natural about watching Korean dramas online!" Christian Grey left, and Miss Kyle sighed, "Well, at least he gave me a free play set. Sean is going to love this. Or maybe I'll just try it on Bruce since he's so bored."

"Wait!" I yelled. I supposed that the need to grow stronger was something I couldn't deny Master Bruce of. "Why don't you just take him around the block and steal money from those gangsters around Ninth?"

Miss Kyle nodded. "That's a pretty good idea. Thanks, Alfred! I'll go get Bruce."

I sighed. "Fine. By the way, have you seen Mister Kerr? He's been awfully quiet all day."

"Yeah. He's locked in his bedroom with a laptop and a bunch of tissues doing that thing all teenage boys do when they're bored."

I shrugged, "Perhaps I'll go join him. See what all this Korean drama stuff is about."

Miss Kyle furrowed her brow. "Jack hates Korean dramas." And she skipped away while I sat down to re-evaluate the system of the house. That was all good and fine, but soon after Miss Kyle and Master Bruce left, I went outside to do some gardening and found Christian Grey locked in combat with Professor Snape while Ed took some notes and Magic Mike humped the flowers.


	92. The Kids Graduate

**Sorry I didn't upload last week. It couldn't be helped, sadly. Also, I'll try as hard as I can to upload, but there may be breaks in the upcoming weeks due to personal issues. Anyway, here's a special chapter dedicated to all you kids starting summer vacation!**

Dear Diary,

I haven't been discussing the kid's lives at school since there really wasn't a need to. Miss Kyle kept changing in the boy's change room causing them all to stare and blush. Mister Ornelas also changed in the boy's room, causing them all to stare and blush. Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel were repeatedly suspended for their adventures in the bathrooms, while Miss Pepper skipped class a lot and Mister Crane kept up surprisingly good grades.

And today, they were going to graduate from grade nine. Somehow, all of them passed their classes and were ready to move on to grade ten. I was ecstatic of course, since this was Master Bruce's first graduation, but I don't think the others knew what graduating was.

I went up to Mister Kerr's bedroom this morning and saw him with Miss Kyle and Miss Pepper, holding a bazooka.

"Where did you get that?" I asked, but it wasn't really that surprising anymore.

Mister Kerr ignored me and kept talking to the girls. "Okay, so today, we storm Professor Strange's office. Cat, you hold him down, and Ivy – you gas him. I'll break into his safe and steal our diplomas. We're graduating with a bang!"

I sighed, "Mister Kerr, do you realize you're going to be handed your diploma? You passed fairly."

Miss Pepper frowned, "But we failed all our classes."

"Yes, but in Gotham city, they let you pass regardless because too many students are related to crime bosses who could blow up the school."

"So we don't have to steal them?" Miss Kyle asked. "They're just going to hand them to us?"

"That's right."

Mister Kerr dropped his bazooka. "Oh, hell no! Come on, Ivy. Let's go do something so destructive that they have to fail us so we can steal our diplomas!"

I told them all to get ready and I drove them to school. I figured I'd wander around the premises until it was time for the graduation ceremony. Detectives Gordon and Bullock were coming with me to see them graduate and they'd be there any moment. I was making my way down the road when Mr. Zeus, the kid's history teacher, ran up to me.

"Alfred!" he yelled. "You're here! Teach my class right now."

I stared at him. "Can't you teach your own class?"

"Jack has a bazooka!"

"I'll be right there."

That's what I get for hanging around the kids. I found Mr. Zeus' classroom and saw Miss Pepper, Mister Ornelas, Mister Kerr, Miss Quinzel, and Miss Kyle among the students, along with Mister Elliot, who was wearing a neck brace, a cast on his arm, and had several bruises on his face and a cat drawn on his collar-bone in marker. I think he deserved much of that.

"Alfred?" Mister Ornelas asked. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm teaching you for the day." I said. "Now turn your books to page-"

"Great, a temp!" Mister Kerr grinned. "Now we can goof off!"

I had no aversion to that.

Miss Kyle got out of her seat and jumped onto Mister Ornelas' lap. They started kissing, and the entire class just stared. After a few minutes, they were still kissing. And then Mister Ornelas fell out of his chair. I think he hit his head on the table, but he just kept kissing her. Then, they were rolling across the floor, their arms wrapped around each other and their lips still stuck together. They just rolled across the floor, making their way to the door. Mister Ornelas used his leg to open the door, and the two of them simply rolled on the ground out the door, never to be seen again.

"Why don't you ever kiss me like that?" Miss Quinzel asked.

Mister Kerr frowned. "Because my arm doesn't bend that way."

Mister Elliot grinned, "Damn, I want some of that. Hey, Ivy! You wanna see what a real-" we all turned around and discovered that Miss Pepper had just disappeared from the classroom, even though we swore she was there just two seconds ago. Mister Elliot turned to Miss Quinzel and smirked, "How about you? You wanna cock the Tommy-gun?"

"Please never say that again." Miss Quinzel said. Mister Kerr grabbed his bazooka out from under the desk and pointed it at Mister Elliot. A rocket shot out and just barely missed him, shooting out the window and blowing up a tree.

"You could have killed me!" Mister Elliot yelled.

Mister Kerr laughed, "Don't be a baby, Tommy."

Suddenly, the door to the classroom opened, and Miss Kyle rolled back in, still with her lips on Mister Ornelas. The two of them rolled across the floor over each other still kissing, until they got to Miss Kyle's desk. There, Miss Kyle picked up her backpack and put it on her shoulder, her lips never leaving Mister Ornelas'. Then, they started to roll back out.

"Hey, Cat!" Mister Elliot yelled. "You know, Sean's feet look pretty small. And you know what they say – if a guy has small feet, you know he's going to have a tiny, sad little – AAAAAAGGGHHH!"

That last part is because while he was saying that, Miss Kyle and Mister Ornelas rolled over to him. Mister Ornelas brought his leg up and kicked Tommy out the window. He landed in a bush down below and yelled, "OW! WHY DO I KEEP STANDING NEXT TO WINDOWS?!"

And the two of them rolled out of the classroom, still kissing.

When the bell rung, it was time for the students to go down to the gym for their graduation ceremony. I went to sit in the audience, where Gordon and Bullock were saving a seat for me in the front.

"Hey, Alfred." Gordon smiled. "Looks like our little Bruce is all grown up, huh?"

Bullock grinned. "How's Ornelina going?"

"What the bloody hell is Ornelina?" I asked.

"Sean and Selina. They're so cute together, and I think Sean's really happy now. And not to brag, but if it wasn't for me, they wouldn't be-"

"It's terrible. They're distracting each other and annoying me. I think they're even more troublesome together than they were apart."

"Oh." Bullock grimaced. "Well then, good luck with the relationship that I had no hand in whatsoever, I definitely did not help them-"

The lights went down and the ceremony started. After a lovely aria from the school band and choir (whose performance Bullock fell asleep in) the principal, Professor Strange (whose parole officers had guns trained at) came out and stood at the podium.

"We are gathered in this great school to commemorate the deeds of Gotham's future. I've worked closely with these students, and I can tell you they are destined for great-"

"JUST GET ON WITH IT!" Bullock yelled.

Professor Strange growled. "When you hear your name, come up and get your diploma. Nick Alders."

One by one, kids come out from behind the curtains to retrieve their diplomas and shake Professor Strange's hand. After each student, the parole officers would check Strange's hand to make sure he wasn't giving the kids any poison or weaponry.

Mister Crane shook Strange's hand and took his diploma. Mister Kerr went to get his, but while they were shaking hands, Professor Strange whispered something in his ear that made him burst into evil, maniacal laughter and run off the stage. Miss Kyle snatched her diploma out of Strange's hand and turned to the audience. Then, she started to say the speech from the end of Mean Girls. I knew where it was going. I yelled, "Miss Kyle, no!" but it was too late. She had ripped her diploma into pieces and was throwing pieces out to the audience.

Well, she wasn't going to college any time soon.

Mister Ornelas came up to get his diploma and gave Strange back the shattered pieces of a mug that was stolen a while ago. Miss Pepper didn't take hers. She just walked across the stage giving the entire audience the finger. Miss Quinzel shook as she burst into tears of joy and hugged Professor Strange. The parole officers had to frisk him after that to make sure he wasn't given any weapons.

Finally, Master Bruce proudly walked up on the stage with a smile and took his diploma. His parents would have been so proud. Next year, he would be in grade ten, then eleven, twelve, and off into life to become a doctor or philosopher or something of equal dignity as long as that Miss Kyle didn't influence him too far into black leather and skulking around at night.

Detective Gordon wasn't clapping though. I asked, "Is something wrong, Detective Gordon?"

He sighed, "It's just... this is a big ceremony in Gotham. Whenever there's a big ceremony, a supervillain always comes and ruins everything, so why didn't-"

Then, there was an explosion in the wall, and there stood Penguin, Butch, and Barbara. Butch was holding another comically large weapon and Penguin grinned, "Professor Strange! We have some business to settle!"

Strange screamed like a little girl and ran out the door while the evil three chased after him.

"Oh." Gordon smiled. "Great, I feel better now."


	93. A Summer Job with Penguin and Barnes

**Sometimes it just feels like the writers of Gotham are trying to torture me for all the horrible things I say about them in my other story. It appears that they have recast the role of Ivy Pepper, and Clare Foley will not be returning. I've been waiting for a Poison Ivy arc for two seasons, and now there's gonna be one and Clare's not starring in it! No matter who's cast, Ivy Pepper will always be Clare Foley in this story. Also, this is the perfect opportunity to introduce Sabrina Carpenter as Harleen Quinzel in the show, don't blow it.**

Dear Diary,

Since it was the summer, I got the kids various summer jobs. At around noon, Miss Quinzel called saying that she and the girls were at the mall spending their hard-earned money, which was fine. Then, I got this letter in the mail from Penguin...

Dear Mayor Pennyworth,

This is a letter from me, Oswald Cobblepot, the fowl of felony, the avian anarchist, whatever you want to call me. I'm writing this to let you know the pure agony that you put us through and how we're going to get you for this!

So this morning started with Barnes and me at my apartment plotting how to take you down. Yeah, that's right. I'm not afraid to admit it. You had it coming, Pennyworth. We had this amazing plan to spy on you and frame you for the crimes you're clearly committing in that mansion of yours. And then... they came.

Your little reprobates knocked on the front door. Selina, that little cat girl, the little plant girl Ivy, and the blonde rich girl with the pigtails. Barnes opened the door for them, and then my day was ruined.

"Hi." said Harley. "We've got your pizza!"

Barnes asked, "SINCE WHEN DO YOU DELIVER PIZZA?"

Ivy shrugged, "The guys are getting a summer job at the GCPD, and we got a job at the pizza place. We need thirteen bucks."

Barnes looked back at me. "PENGUIN, YOU GOT THIRTEEN BUCKS?"

I sighed, "One sec." I went outside to the street, found a dude with a beard, shot him in the leg, and stole thirteen bucks from him. Then, I went back up to my apartment and gave the little brats their money.

"What are you doing anyway?" Selina asked. "Trying to take down Alfred again?"

"Maybe." I said. "What's it to you?"

Harley shrugged. "You guys want help with that?"

Well, that was suspicious. "Why do you girls want to help us take down Mayor Pennyworth?"

"He's the one who made us take this stupid summer job in the first place." Ivy growled. "I was perfectly fine at home, and then he signed us up for a job just so he could stay at home and watch TV."

Well, it was certainly a logical reason. Plus, who better to take you down than your own kids? So, we accepted their offer, since it was a good idea at the time. We had three plans. Plan one was to break into your mansion and spy on you to find out the crime that you were clearly doing. Plan two involved sneaking up on you in the middle of the street and kidnapping you, and if all else failed, plan three was to blow up your car. We couldn't fail!

So first, we drove out to your mansion and stood at the gate.

"Okay, Captain Egg-head and Big Bird." Selina said. "Since Jack knows the most about horribly bludgeoning people with weaponry, Alfred put him in charge of security. We thought security was necessary after your first break-in attempt. Just follow me and you'll be fine."

We followed Selina down the yard for a few seconds, and everything turned out well, and then she jumped out of the way and we were hit by a laser.

"Ow!" I yelled, on account of my burnt suit. "What was that?!"

Selina shrugged. "I told you to follow me."

"THEN CAN YOU TELL US WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO JUMP SO THAT WE CAN ALSO JUMP?" Barnes asked.

Selina sighed, "Fine." She walked down a little bit farther, and we followed her. For another few seconds, everything was cool and we were almost halfway there, and then Selina yelled, "Jump!"

We jumped out of the way and dodged another laser.

"Yeah!" I cheered, before me and Barnes were hit by another laser while Selina jumped harmlessly out of the way.

"Oh yeah." She said. "Did I forget to say that they were tracking lasers?"

Well now that my eyebrow has been burnt off, I could endure one more laser blast to get into your mansion. So we walked a few more steps and I was pumping myself up, I was ready for this laser, except when Selina yelled, "Jump!" and leapt out of the way, there was no laser.

"THERE'S NO LASER!" Barnes gasped. "THEN WHY'D YOU ASK US TO JUMP?"

Then, something landed on me. It didn't hurt. I barely even felt it. All I felt was a little itching on my head, and when I turned around, I found Barnes staring at me in fear.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Barnes stuttered for a while before yelling, "THERE'S A HUGE SPIDER ON YOUR HEAD!"

Selina laughed and nodded, "Yep. Spider gun. Jack can be such a funny guy."

Oh hell no, this wasn't happening. I ran around, swatting at my head and yelled, "Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it-"

"HOLD STILL!" Barnes yelled, grabbing my arm and holding me down while he then promptly punched me in the face. I woke up a few minutes later when Selina was bouncing up and down on my chest.

I jumped up and started slapping that idiot Barnes in the face as much as I could, but Selina stopped me when she said that we were at the front door. Yes! We finally did it! We could break into your mansion!

"Open the door, you little brat!" I yelled.

Selina shrugged. "I can't. If you want to open the door, you need a key."

"WHERE'S THE KEY?" Barnes asked.

Selina pointed back to the front gate. "Over there. I guess one of you has to walk back there, get it, and come back here."

And that was the exact moment I scrapped plan one and moved on to plan two – sneaking up on you in public and interrogating your ass. Harley said you were going to be in the park reading a newspaper and wearing a brown coat. Barnes drove me in his police cruiser down to the park with the girls and we scoped that place out like hawks trying to find you.

After a while, we finally found the dude in a brown coat with a brown fedora and his face buried in a newspaper.

"There he is." I said. "You girls stay back here. Barnes, let's go put the hurt on Mayor Pennyworth."

Barnes followed me and we walked right up to you, but you didn't see us because of the newspaper on your face. I turned to my partner and whispered, "Okay, he might not look like much, but he's a fighter. That's why we need the element of surprise on our side. On the count of three, you yank away the newspaper and I'll punch him right in the face. Three... two... one!"

As fast as lightning, Barnes pulled away the newspaper and I punched you right in your big stupid face! Then, I looked back at the girls with a triumphant grin and found them talking to Alfred, walking by in a brown coat and reading a newspaper.

I looked back at the dude I had just punched in the face as he slowly stood up, almost seven feet tall and yelled, "ICE CREAM!"

After that, Barnes and I were promptly pummeled by the ice cream-crazed Aaron Helzinger. We woke up a few minutes later at my apartment.

"We called a taxi for you." Harley grinned. "You're welcome."

Barnes sat up and growled, "YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT ALFRED TOLD YOU TO COME OVER HERE AND THWART OUR PLANS!"

"Yeah." I said. "How come we're the only ones who ever get hurt?"

"Because you're stupid." Ivy said.

Harley shrugged, "It's okay, your last plan was to blow up Alfred's car, right? There's no way that can go wrong!"

That was it, I'd had enough. "That's right, so you girls are going to stay right here while me and Barnes go blow up your garage! You're going to stay right there and not do anything! Okay?"

The three girls slowly nodded and said, "Okay." I actually think they kind of looked sorry for what they did. Almost.

Anyway, we couldn't find the keys to Barnes' police cruiser, so we brought a bazooka onto the bus (this is Gotham, they let this kind of stuff happen) and went over to Wayne manor to blow up your car, making you lose a bunch of money and making you late to work so they'd have to fire you! We stood a safe distance away from the back of the mansion and I aimed the bazooka.

"Ready?" I asked.

"READY!" Barnes said.

I was so happy. One of my evil plans was finally going to work! Or it would have, if a police car didn't drive in right next to the garage, making me lose my focus. I _accidentally_ moved the bazooka before firing it, and it blew the cop car into millions of pieces.

It turns out that right before it blew up, the three girls had jumped out. They walked over to us and Selina said, "We felt bad for ruining all of your plans. So we thought we'd try to make it up to you. We found the keys to your cop car and we brought it over to you to say sorry."

Barnes twitched. "SO THAT WAS MY CAR?!"

Harley nodded, "Yep."

Then, Barnes screamed very loudly for a very long time.

And there you have it, Alfred. Your plan to use your kids to foil our plans worked. You truly are an evil mastermind, but we will get you soon! The Penguin will rule this town once again!

 **The boys' summer jobs are coming next!**


	94. A Summer Job with Jim and Bullock

**So, here's a little update on the Ivy thing. Gotham has cast Maggie Geha – a 28 year old woman – to play a 19 year old Ivy Pepper. Clare Foley baked cookies for the cast, and then they recast her because they wanted to sexualize her character, which is basically the same as me taking a girl scout's cookies and saying I'll pay her when she grows some boobs. Poison Ivy is an eco-terrorist who's fighting between whether she's more plant or person and flips sides of the law constantly in the comics, and with such a complicated character, they thought it would be best to skip a few years for more boobs in the show. Finally, Ivy's going after Bruce. That's a fourteen year difference between the actors. To put that in perspective, a 22 year old man hitting on an 8 year old girl would probably go to jail, right? It's only slightly less wrong because Ivy is 19, but made equally wrong because she does not look remotely 19. Just... why?**

Dear Diary,

Following the day of the girl's summer job, I had received an email from Detective Gordon concerning the boy's jobs at the GCPD. He seemed very concerned.

* * *

Dear Alfred,

I just wanted to alert you that your kids are safe, and that they are now banned from the precinct. The reason is as follows.

I was with Captain Barnes preparing for a new assignment. There was a supervillain on the loose who went by the name Onomatopoeia (I had to look up how to spell that) which is basically a word that mimics a sound effect, like _boom, splat,_ or _ring._ Apparently, this guy's MO was committing crimes and saying whatever sounds he hears. Yes, that's just as stupid as it sounds. He was running around committing crimes with my... evil twin brother Tim. I had to do a blood test to convince Barnes that was true.

Then, the four of them came in. Bruce, Jonny, Sean, and Jack.

"Ah, the interns are here." Barnes said.

"Wait, what?" I asked.

He nodded, "Yeah, Mayor Pennyworth gave us interns that'll work for free to get credit for college."

"But what are four kids going to do in the GCPD?"

"I don't know. That's why I put you in charge of them."

"Why me?!"

"Because last time I put you in charge of interrogating a suspect, you threw him out a window. I don't like these kids, so I can't wait to see what you do to them."

He's not going to let me live that down for a while. So I gave the kids some meaningless tasks to keep them busy. I made them tag along with me on patrol. Harvey fetched the police cruiser and the four kids got in the back. My route was around the street surrounding Grundy and Burrows, so we started there.

"Detective Gordon?" Bruce asked two minutes in. "I have to go to the bathroom."

I sighed, "Why didn't you go before we left?"

"This happens every single time, he just has a tiny bladder." Sean said. "Just think about cold things, Bruce. Just think about ice cubes and cold showers."

And then Harvey turned around. Of course he had to be involved in this conversation. "Wait, I thought you think about warm things when you have to pee. You know, like beaches and hot stoves."

"Pee is warm, why would you think about your warm pee when you're trying not to pee?" Jack asked.

"Well the cold makes you want to pee more, haven't you ever had to pee and been out in the cold before?" Bullock asked. "Bruce should be thinking about warm things."

Sean sighed, "Okay, there's a reason that everyone pees on the snow and no one pees on the beach."

"Yeah, but-"

Jonny held up his hand and said, in his grim, attention-grabbing voice, "Just think about a guy in a hockey mask and brass knuckles punching your d*** off."

We were silent for a long time until Bruce finally said, in a quiet, scared voice, "I don't have to pee anymore."

A few more minutes passed and so far, the neighborhood was silent. There hadn't been a lot of crime lately anyway, and Harvey spotted a donut shop. He grinned at me, and I pulled up to the parking lot. I hadn't had lunch yet, so cut me a break. Anyway, we had stopped the car and I started to get out, but Harvey stopped me.

"Wait, Jim," he said. "You don't need to get out. We have interns for that."

Sounded good to me. I told the boys our order and gave them ten bucks to get whatever they wanted. They entered the donut shop and Harvey leaned in to me again.

"You'd better go after them."

I stared at him. "What happened to them being our interns?"

"Do you really trust them in a donut shop?"

And so I went into the donut shop where they were at the front trying to buy a box of donuts.

"That'll be four dollars, please." The cashier said.

"But we're with the cops." Bruce said. "Shouldn't we get these donuts for free?"

"I'm sorry, but cops don't get free donuts." The cashier sighed.

Jack thought for a while and finally said, "What about criminals? Do criminals get free donuts?"

The cashier looked at him confused. "No, criminals don't get free-"

Jack pulled out a gun and pointed it at the cashier.

"Actually, yes." The cashier corrected himself. "Criminals do get free donuts."

"Sweet!" Jack grinned and took the donut box. They were starting to head back to the car and I was going to pay for them when suddenly I heard someone behind me say...

"Bang!" and suddenly a gunshot went off. Everyone in the shop went on their knees and I realized I left my gun in the car. I turned around and saw my evil brother Tim standing with a guy wearing a black mask and a gun in his hand. It was Onomatopoeia.

The four kids were next to me, sitting on the ground and waiting for something to happen. Tim twirled his moustache and grinned, "Well, if it isn't my goody two-shoes twin brother, Jim. Have you met my new criminal partner?"

Onomatopoeia stepped towards me, repeating the sounds that his shoes made on the ground, "Click, click, click, click. By the way, robbing a donut shop was his idea."

Tim went up to the cashier. "Now, are you going to give us your money?"

Onomatopoeia ran up, taking the time to say, "Click, click, click, click," as his feet hit the ground and punched the cashier in the face, yelling, "Pow!" as he did.

Jack leaned in to me and whispered, "Imagine this guy taking a sh*t."

Sean and Bruce jumped up and grabbed the gun out of his hand. Jack got up and took a baseball bat out of his belt holster and attacked them. The three swiped at Onomatopoeia who was doing a good job of fighting back while yelling, "Whoosh! Pow! Bam! Whoosh! Bam! Bam! Pow!"

Suddenly, Tim grabbed me and spun around with me. I tried punching him, but he was punching back. When the boys finally knocked down Onomatopoeia, they turned around to see me and Tim, except Tim had taken off his fake moustache. We now looked exactly the same.

"What are you waiting for, Sean?" Jack asked. "Jump on Tim!"

"But which one's Tim?" Sean asked. "Listen up, you two! We're going to ask you a question only the real Jim Gordon would know the answer to."

"You've been waiting ever since you found out about us to do this, haven't you?" I sighed.

"First question!" Bruce yelled. "What did I give Selina for her last Valentine's day?"

Crap. I did not know the answer to that. I waited for Tim to say something, but he didn't say anything either. Finally, I just guessed, "Chocolate?"

"Wrong!" Bruce said. "I didn't spend last Valentine's day with Selina. She left the city to go see someone who she thought was her relative, but it turned out to be a con artist. Just like that, her only hope that she had a family was ripped away from her."

"Oh, that's so sad." Tim said, at which time, the three boys jumped on him and punched him over and over again until he was unconscious and ready to be taken to jail.

"Ha!" Jack yelled. "The real Jim Gordon would never express any emotion!"

So anyway, we took Tim to jail and got the kids some donuts. Just letting you know that they're okay and they punched a dude in the face who looks exactly like me with a little too much zest.

 **Just so you know, I'm going to be on vacation for a few weeks, so I won't be able to upload. I'll have a short uploaded soon to make up for it.**


	95. (DFT1) Cat's Science Project

**Here's something I'm starting – Diary Fun Times (DFTs)! I'm also not very well-versed in terrorist organizations, so if DFT stands for anything I don't know about, tell me. These are just gonna be the equivalent of animated shorts and will most likely be something like this. Expect them on holidays, cast birthdays, and days when I'm too busy to write a whole chapter.**

* * *

 **February 12, 2016 - Selina Kyle - Psychology B - Unit 3 final project - Mr. Wong**

 _My name is Selina Kyle. I have curly hair. I am wearing a black jacket. For my Unit 3 final presentation, I am choosing to study the reactions of teenage boys under various types of stimuli. For my subjects, I have chosen Sean Ornelas and Jack Kerr. Sean Ornelas is a young teenage boy with black hair and abs that taste salty. Jack Kerr is a young teenage boy with brown hair with green streaks and abs that taste like nothing, because they don't exist._

 _Test #1: Being snuck up on._

 _Subject one – Sean Ornelas, was caught urinating in a bush in the backyard near the pond since the bathroom was already in use. I carefully studied the subject from the roof of the house. The subject's pants were lying on the ground. I then found a fishing rod, sat on the roof, and dragged his pants up. I then snuck into the bushes as Subject One was finishing up and soon realized his pants were missing. I then jumped out and scared Subject One who screamed and fell into the pond. Subject's previous statement that he would never go skinny-dipping has been proven null and void._

 _Subject two – Jack Kerr, was caught in his room admiring his assortment of weaponry. I decided it was not safe to surprise subject under those conditions, so I took my fishing rod and pulled away his weapons. I then jumped out of an air vent and tried to scare Subject Two, who then pulled out a spare rocket launcher from under his pillow and attempted to murder me. Subject Two was then kicked multiple times by me._

 _Test #2: Being flashed._

 _Subject one – Sean Ornelas, was knocked out using my colleague Jonathan's gas and tied to a chair. I patiently waited for Subject One to awaken, and then came into view, having removed my jacket, shirt, and bra. Notable observations shown from Subject One include blushing and sweating until face resembled a wet tomato; inability to speak; a mysterious large protrusion growing from Subject One's groin area – requires immediate further investigation._

 _Subject two – Jack Kerr, was knocked out and restrained using a similar set-up. I was waiting for him to wake up to reveal myself when Subject Two woke up and said, "Selina! Stop knocking me out! The only people who are allowed to knock me out are Barack Obama and Barbara Kean!" Upon hearing said idiotic comment, Subject Two was kicked several times._

 _Test #3: Being exposed to fear gas_

 _Subject one – Sean Ornelas, was given a dose of my colleague Jonathan's Hydroaspastochloroform (fear toxin) and then went unconscious. I observed Subject One rolling and murmuring in his sleep, and one of the things he said was, "No, Selina, don't leave me!" upon hearing this, I kissed Subject One and went to go find the gas to wake him up._

 _Subject two – Jack Kerr, was given the same dose and fell unconscious the same way. Except when Subject Two entered deep sleep, all he did was laugh hysterically and yelled things like, "Yes! Die! Die, all of you! Wait, no – not me! Take Selina!" upon hearing this, I woke up Subject Two and kicked him several times._

 ** _This assignment was handed in on February 12, 2016, and was given back on February 16, 2016. It was given an F by Mr. Wong, which was later bribed to a C+ by Selina Kyle._**


	96. Harley Takes Over Wayne Enterprises

**Hi, everybody, I'm back with a special announcement! Do you think that skipping over years of character development just to have more boobs in the show is wrong? How about sexualizing a teenage boy, but having a problem with sexualizing a teenage girl the same age? Or casting a 28-year-old to play a 19-year-old? Or even having an adult woman trying to seduce a teenage boy? How about saying you're recasting because you don't want to sexualize a 14-year-old girl when just a year ago, you freaking had a 14-year-old girl say, "Hit me, and I'll let you kiss me."? (That sounds really wrong without context.) Well if you do, leave your name in a review to join the movement against Bruno Heller in my other story, Gotham Season 2 (Revised Script)! Bruno's gonna get it hard.**

Dear Diary,

Today, I woke up to a phone call from Wayne Enterprises. It said that they were going to have a board meeting to discuss some business plans and they needed a Wayne to approve. Master Bruce had to come in to Wayne Enterprises later today. That's when I heard a yelling coming from downstairs, and Miss Kyle and Mister Crane came up to my bedroom.

"Alfred," Miss Kyle said. "Bruce has to go to the hospital. He was training, and someone put iron bars in his punching bag."

Mister Crane sighed, "I feel no pain. To feel pain, you have to be able to remember a time when you felt good."

Well that was just peachy, wasn't it. "Well, unbeknownst to you lot, Master Bruce had to come into Wayne Enterprises today for a business meeting! Now how's he going to come in?!" Then, I remembered the list of people that the Waynes had to fill their place in the event that the Waynes were out of commission. I pulled the list out of my nightstand and went through it. First was the Kane family, who were all out of town; then the Marcus family, all of whom were out of town, and third priority was the Quinzel family, who were all on a business trip out of-

"Alfred!" Miss Quinzel yelled, running up to my room. "I accidentally got mayonnaise all over Bruce's underwear and I don't think anyone's gonna believe it's mayonnaise!"

And so, I was forced to tell her the news. She was very excited, which worried me deeply.

"Yay!" Miss Quinzel jumped up and down, clapping. "I'm gonna have a company! I'll be rich and powerful and fight for boxer underwear for girls!"

So after that, Miss Quinzel got in the car. She wanted to bring Mister Crane to be her bodyguard, and he brought a glove with five syringes of fear toxin where the fingers should have been, which deeply, deeply wounded my hope that the day was going to work out. I drove the two off to Wayne Enterprises, where Ms. Mathis was waiting for us.

"Hello, Mayor Pennyworth." She said. "Who are these two kids?"

I sighed, "Bruce Wayne can't come in today, so in his place I was instructed to bring Miss Harleen Quinzel and her friend, Mister Jonathan Crane."

Miss Quinzel spat in her hand and held it out for a handshake. "Call me Harley! Come on, Jonny, let's go hit the big time! Wahoo!" she jumped out of the car, dragging Mister Crane by his arm, and ran into the building.

Miss Mathis sighed, "How enthusiastic of her."

I asked, "I'll be able to revoke any changes she makes today the second Master Bruce comes back, right?"

I followed her into the elevator with the two kids and we went up to the top floor to meet the board of directors. When the elevator opened, I greeted the men and women sitting around the table and made my way to the end where Miss Quinzel was supposed to sit, but she went around the table handing out coloured markers and Mister Crane handed out slips of paper to everyone in the Board.

"Hi, everyone. I'm Harley!" she beamed. "Now, I'm passing out pens and I want all of you to make nametags on those slips of paper! You can decorate them any way you want, and this is gonna be a fun bonding exercise! Now I don't have enough glitter pens for everyone, so you're gonna have to share."

Everyone gingerly stared at their papers and glittery pens while I tried not to die of embarrassment. Finally, everyone just wrote their names on their papers – one of them drawing a small smiley face – just so we could get on with the meeting.

Miss Quinzel sat at the end of table and Mister Crane stood beside her. "Now," she said. "Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves! What's your name?"

The man said, "Bunderslaw."

"Bunderslaw?" Miss Quinzel asked.

"Bunderslaw." The man said.

"Bunderslaw?" Miss Quinzel asked.

"Bunderslaw." Mister Crane said. "From Slaw – as in a salad made from mixed raw vegetables, and bunder – a unit of measurement used for appropriating areas of agriculture."

"Hmm." Miss Quinzel nodded. "That sounds gross."

"So does he." Mister Crane said.

"Ha." Miss Quinzel said.

"Ha." Mister Crane said.

"Okay, then," Miss Quinzel said. "Would someone mind telling me what you guys actually do here?"

"What do you mean?" asked Mr. Bunderslaw, sitting on the side of the table.

Miss Quinzel shrugged, "I mean, between making super-strength drugs, hiring assassins, and creating monsters below Arkham Asylum, what do you guys actually do that's legal? I've literally never seen you make or sell anything legal."

A few board members shuffled or backed away awkwardly, and one said, "We sell these mugs with W's on them?"

Miss Quinzel picked up the mug in front of her with the Wayne logo on it and nodded, "Oh. Okay, cool."

Ms. Mathis put some files in front of her and said, "So, we wanted to discuss some new budgeting strategies. Only ten percent of our income goes into savings, so we wanted to expand that by cutting into-"

"Let's paint the building red and blue!" she yelled happily, making the Board go quiet and stare at her. "And add sparkles!"

I think I heard Mr. Bunderslaw mutter under his breath, "I suddenly really miss Bruce Wayne."

Miss Quinzel put a bunch of files (really some drawings done in crayon that she put in a pink folder) on the table and grinned, "Now, I have some ideas for things we could manufacture. First – we should put buttons in all public bathroom stalls that are connected to the security room. Whenever you were out of toilet paper, you could press the button and it would send a message to the security room that you were out so they could bring you some!"

Ms. Mathis raised her hand, "I think people would take advantage of that button and just call security for-"

"Secondly," Miss Quinzel said. "You know those holes in men's underwear that boys can stick their pee-pees out of? Girls should have holes in their underwear too! Like, I'm not putting my butt on the toilet seat, it's freaking gross. And I have to pee too, so you know, why not?"

"I can think of several reasons why that's a terrible idea."

"Finally, we change the positions of men and woman's bathrooms. I find it sexist that girl's bathrooms are always closer than men's bathrooms. Am I not strong enough to walk a few more steps?"

"Why do all of these have to do with bathrooms?" Ms. Mathis asked.

Miss Quinzel grinned, "Because I had to pee when I wrote this. Also, I want like a key ring, except instead of keys, you put remote controls on it. And a printed dictionary of texting acronyms for old people. Ooh, and a service where you can hire people to pretend to be your friends!"

Mr. Bunderslaw growled, "Miss Quinzel, it's clear that you're not taking this seriously, so I'm just going to leave."

"No!" Miss Quinzel cried. "Jonny, stop him!"

Mister Crane walked over and plunged a needle into Bunderslaw's neck. He just turned around and sighed.

"Wait," Miss Quinzel said. "Why aren't you screaming and stuff? You should be hallucinating your greatest fear."

"I am." Bunderslaw growled. "A kid is running my company." And then he left.

"You walk out of here, and you're fired!"

Bunderslaw yelled back, "Tell Bruce Wayne I said f*** him! Time to live out my dreams!"

Miss Quinzel shrugged, "Anyway, we'll introduce the new company uniform, and then we'll get down to business. Lady with the braids and old white-haired dude, come over here!"

Mrs. Anderson and Mr. Jordan stood up and came to the front of the table, where Mister Crane handed them each bags with a new uniform in them. Miss Quinzel instructed them to change in their respective restrooms, and they did out of fear of being fired. When they came back, Mrs. Anderson was wearing a small red and black diamond skirt and a wig with red and black pigtails. Mr. Jordan was wearing the same thing. Neither of them looked particularly happy about it.

Miss Quinzel clapped with excitement and turned to Mister Crane. "Don't they look adorable?!"

"I don't know – do they?"

She turned back to the board, "Anyway, let's get down to business."

Ms. Mathis sighed, "Finally. We only have ten more minutes in this meeting, so we have to-"

"Only ten minutes?" Miss Quinzel gasped. "Oh well, we can do everything tomorrow. Let's just have a dance party!"

Mister Crane pulled out his phone and started playing 'Sweatshirt' by Jacob Sartorius. Miss Quinzel jumped on the table and started dancing, and everyone else awkwardly shuffled in place and nodded to the beat out of fear of being fired. I stopped being able to watch when Miss Quinzel started singing, "And you can wear myyyyyyy SWEATSHIRT! AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIENDS, WE'LL BE TOGETHER 'TIL THE END! THAT'S FOR YOU, MISTAH BUNDERSLAW! Jonny, sing!"

Mister Crane very seriously and very monotonely, said, "Na na na na, Sweatshirt, blah blah blah blah blah,"

Later that day, I found out half of them quit. Oh well, it's not like they were a particularly good board of directors.


	97. (DFT2) Invisible Magic Mushrooms

**Sorry for not uploading last week, but I was really sick and was just not functioning, but I'm better now. So here's a DFT to make up for it.**

Sean went down to Jonny's lab where he was measuring chemicals for his newest gas.

"Hey, Jonny," Sean said. "I need your help with something. It's Selina. She keeps trying to see me naked. This morning, I got naked to take a shower, and she was waiting in there drinking hot chocolate and petting a cat!"

Jonny nodded, and held up a mushroom. Half of it was purple, and half of it was green. "It's edible. The purple half makes you invisible, the green half is Viagra. Depends on if you like Cat or not. Although it'll only make you invisible, not your clothes."

Sean thought for a while, and then ate the purple half in one bite. It tasted weird, and after a few minutes, he asked, "Am I invisible yet?"

Jonny shook his head, "Nope, I can still see you. And that probably means I screwed up, the green half is the invisibility, and the purple half is Viagra."

Sean then ate the rest of the mushroom.

* * *

Later that day, Cat looked around the mansion trying to find Sean, but she couldn't find him anywhere. She checked the basement, the attic, the kitchen, the study, and all of the rooms. She was about to give up when Jack came up from Jonny's lab and said, "Cat, I know you have hormones and stuff, but can you not leave Sean's clothes on the ground?"

"I haven't seen Sean all day." Cat said. "What's going on?"

Jack shrugged, "Well anyway, all of his clothes were on the ground next to Jonny's lab, so I think he's running around naked or something."

Selina sighed, "Where is he?"

"Whenever there's a problem, go ask Jonny – the Mary Poppins of Gotham." Jack said, and the two went down to Jonny's lab.

* * *

After Jonny finished telling the two everything that had happened, Cat and Jack could only stare at him curiously.

"Well how do I make him un-invisible?" Cat asked.

Jack blinked in disbelief, "Wait, since when do you make Magic Mushrooms? And why Viagra?"

"The chemical agent in an invisibility serum dilutes to form Viagra." Jonny said. "And the invisibility will wear off in a few hours, but until then, I have a pair of goggles that emit black light so you'll be able to see him."

"Dude!" Sean yelled, feeling betrayed. He was there in the room with them, but no one could see him. "I thought you were on my side!"

Jonny picked up a set of pliers and went back to work. "I give solutions to the problems I am presented with. I am not prejudiced to the victim of the problem."

"This dude is gonna be a badass supervillain one day." Cat whispered to Jack, before picking up the goggles and strapping them onto her head. She looked around the room and her eyes landed near the door where she smiled and beamed, "Sean, I found you! So... I see the Viagra hasn't worn off yet."

Sean soon realized being naked is a lot more embarrassing when people can see you, and ran up the stairs just as Bruce was coming down the stairs.

"Jonny, I've been wanting to talk to you about this moustache growth formula. I don't think that-" Bruce said, before realizing there were people other than Jonny there.

Cat shook her head, "Jonny, how do we catch someone who's invisible?"

Jonny didn't look up from his work. "I would ask Harley if I were you."

* * *

Cat, Bruce, and Jack made their way up to Harley's bedroom and told her everything that had happened, and Harley laughed.

"Aw, well the solution is simple!" Harley grinned, taking out a bunch of cans of glittery pink spray paint from under her bed. "All you gotta do is spray him with this and you'll be able to see him!"

And so Cat, Bruce, Jack, and Harley each grabbed a can of spray paint and started recklessly spraying everything in the manor until they noticed footprints in their paint even though they couldn't see anyone walking.

Cat strapped on her goggles and pointed, and all four of them ran after Sean with their cans of paint. They all sprayed in every direction, coating the manor in glittery pink paint, but they were too slow. With her goggles, Cat could see Sean jumping out the window and running into town.

"He got away! He's probably running into town!" Bruce yelled, looking bashfully back at the manor now covered in paint.

Cat sighed, "Yeah. Too bad the invisibility wears out in a few minutes. I wonder how he's gonna get back to the manor without any clothes."


	98. Vote for Alfred! (Part One)

Dear Diary,

This morning, I came into my mayor's office in city hall to get some paperwork done and I saw Captain Barnes and Mr. Penguin snooping around my office in the dark looking for files. When I turned on the lights, the two of them froze.

"I can still see you even if you're not moving." I sighed.

The two of them yelled in anger and threw my files onto the ground. Penguin yelled, "This doesn't make sense! I've always been able to find incriminating stuff to bust people on before! Barnes, you're cramping my style!"

Barnes growled back, "WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T STOP TO KILL THAT OLD LADY, WE'D BE HERE SOONER!"

"I couldn't help it! She was wearing brown!" Penguin bellowed.

I sighed, "Well maybe you two can't find anything to bust me on because there's nothing to find. I haven't done anything illegal in my life."

"Ha!" Penguin laughed. "We live in Gotham! It's a place where murder is legal if you do it before they can say no!"

Barnes shifted in place awkwardly and said, "YEAH... THE MOVEMENT TO CHANGE THAT IS STILL IN LEGISLATION..."

Penguin grinned, "Actually, I killed the guy in charge of that, but it was legal because it was Murder Monday. Anyway, if you've committed any crimes or consorted with anyone who ever committed any crimes, we will bust you and you'll be impeached!"

I sighed, "Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot, but I've committed no crimes and none of the people I hang around have committed any cri-" and then, I just realized. Miss Kyle. Mister Kerr. Mister Ornelas. Miss Pepper. Mister Crane. Miss Quinzel. Oh, this was not good.

"I SEE FEAR IN HIS EYES, PENGUIN!" Barnes grinned. "WHICH OF GOTHAM'S SCUMBAGS DO YOU HANG AROUND WITH, PENNYWORTH? ARE YOU ALL BUDDY-BUDDY WITH BUTCH GILZEAN? PLAY POKER ON FRIDAYS WITH BARBARA KEAN? HOW ABOUT MOVIE NIGHTS WITH MR. FREEZE AND THE PENGUIN?"

Penguin scoffed at Captain Barnes and said, "You know, I was genuinely thinking we were becoming friends. Do you not share my sentiments? Should we talk privately?"

With that, I rushed home to go ask the kids some questions. They all answered quite truthfully, and what I learned was horrifying. Miss Kyle likened my face colour to that of a sunburnt tomato, and I think that's rather accurate.

"Forty-two counts of assault, sixty-three counts of burglary, sixteen counts of reckless vigilantism, and nineteen counts of theft!" I yelled, pacing back and forth at the rightfully ashamed kids. "And now that we're done with Miss Kyle, we can move on to the rest of you lot!"

Mister Kerr sheepishly raised a hand. "In my defense, this is Gotham. Murder is legal if you do it before they can say no."

Miss Kyle nodded. "Yep, and on Murder Mondays."

"Don't forget about Armed Theft Thursdays!" Miss Quinzel grinned.

Mister Crane added, "You can't kill on Armed Theft Thursdays; you can only fatally maim unless Armed Theft Thursday falls on the first day of the month."

"Today's the first of the month." Mister Kerr said. "Is today Armed Theft Thursday?"

Mister Ornelas shook his head, "Nope, today's Slaughter Saturday."

"I don't bloody care about your Purge rip-offs!" I yelled. "Right now, I need to figure out a way to deal with you lot so I can stay the mayor of this city. Becoming the mayor is the first good thing that's happened to me in a long, long time and I'm not going to let you kids ruin another thing for me!"

Then, the doorbell rung, and I had to run and open the door and accidentally yelled, "WHAT?!" in Harvey Dent's face. He was standing at the door alongside Penguin and Barnes, both with very smug-looking expressions on their faces.

"Guess what, _Mayor_ Pennyworth?" Penguin sneered. "We got some dirt on you."

"WE HAVE SOLID EVIDENCE THAT YOU ARE CONSORTING WITH CRIMINALS!" Barnes yelled, holding up a case file and a photo from a security camera. "BRUCE WAYNE IS IN YOUR CARE?"

"Yes." I said.

Penguin jumped up and down happily and sang, "Well, it turns out that Bruce Wayne is guilty of littering in Gotham park!" he held up a photo of Master Bruce dropping a candy wrapper on the ground.

I sighed. "Really? That's the best you could come up with?"

Mr. Dent shook his head, "I'm sorry, Mayor Pennyworth, but littering is a serious offence."

"Yeah, Alfred! Littering is a very serious crime that should never be overlooked!" Penguin grinned, while putting a bloody knife back in his pocket and licking blood off his hands.

Mr. Dent sighed. "I'm sorry, Mayor Pennyworth, but I'm afraid I'll have to impeach you as mayor. However, in accord with Act 24 of the Gotham City Municipal Rights Act, a new election will be held to determine the next mayor of Gotham and you are legally allowed to run."

"WHAT?!" both Barnes and Penguin yelled.

"I can be mayor again?!" I asked.

Mr. Dent shrugged, "Well, you can run again. Whether or not you get elected again depends on the people of Gotham."

"Well the people of Gotham _are_ gonna vote for Alfred," Miss Pepper said, coming up from behind me with the rest of the kids. "Because Alfred is the best mayor we've had in forever!"

"That's ridiculous!" Penguin growled. "And just to make sure that you don't win a second time, Barnes and I are also running for president!"

"Err, it won't be that easy," Mr. Dent said. "You'll also be fighting feminazis, race card sharks, green earth hippies, LGBTerrorists, old-fashioned bigots, and all the other movement extremists who think their unique traits entitle them to trample over the rights of everyone else. It'll be the greatest fight you've ever faced. Also, all of you are old, white, straight men."

"IT'S OKAY," Barnes yelled. "OUR QUALIFICATIONS ARE ALL THAT MATTER, NOT MANDATORY DIVERSITY! AS LONG AS PEOPLE OF ALL GENDERS, RACES, ETC. ARE ALLOWED TO RUN, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE MOST QUALIFIED OF THE BUNCH ARE ALL OLD WHITE MEN!"

"Yeah, you'd be amazed at how many people are too stupid to realize that." Mr. Dent said.

And so it began. Tomorrow, I'd fight the worst fight of my life.

 **Oh, didn't you hear? The show is addressing the election.**


	99. Vote for Alfred! (Part Two)

Dear Diary,

As I woke up this morning, I found Master Bruce and Mister Kerr at the foot of my bed reading over folders. When they saw me wake up, they looked at me and Master Bruce said, "Okay, we've come up with some strong statistics for your campaign. Seven percent of the population wants a strong and honest mayor who'll do what's best for the city."

"The other ninety-three percent want to legalize murder." Mister Kerr said. "I say we hand out some baseball bats and give the population a good dropping."

I sighed, "While I do appreciate your research, I would rather abide by my own principles and win this election fairly."

"Principles?" Mister Kerr giggled before bursting into hysterical laughter. "Oh man, you are more doomed than Spiderman's uncle." With that, he went back downstairs.

Master Bruce put down the folders and said, "We'll be here to support you, Alfred. Whatever you need – just ask."

"Well, thank you, Master Bruce." I said. "Why don't you go downstairs and dig up some research on Captain Barnes and Penguin's campaigning strategies."

"Oh, I sent Selina to Penguin's hideout to see what he's doing. She should be calling sometime right now."

Just then, the phone rang and I picked it up. It was Miss Kyle, breathing rather heavily and whispering, "Psst, Bruce! I'm in Penguin's place hiding in the air vents. It's terrible. He's got a bunch of city officials tied up and is forcing them to vote for him. The ones that refuse are being – oh no. What is he... OH! Oh god, that's... no! He's taking a watermelon and... no, no, no, Penguin, put the rubber chicken down! Don't put it – OH! Oh god, that's... that's not what rubber chickens are for."

Bruce shrugged, "So that's Penguin's strategy. I think Captain Barnes is-"

Before he could finish, there was a knock at the front door. I went down the stairs to go answer it, and I found Detective Gordon standing at the doorstep with about twenty other cops.

"Detective Gordon?" I asked. "What are you-"

"We said that we were going to vote for you during the election, so Barnes fired us." Detective Gordon sighed, sadly. "He fired everyone who isn't voting for him. Bullock and I were – wait. Where's Bullock?"

We all turned around to see Detective Bullock waving from the driver's seat of a police car. "Sorry, Jim, but I like my job! Good luck with your protesting!" and then he drove away.

"Bullock!" Detective Gordon yelled at the top of his lungs, running after the car and waving his fist. "Bullock, get back here! We have to stand for something! Bullock! That's my car! Get back here! Bullock!"

I told the cops that they could stay in our guest room. When I came to the study, I found Mister Ornelas standing in the middle of the room standing with his arms out, completely naked except for a white pair of briefs. Miss Quinzel and Miss Pepper were studying him.

"Okay, here's the plan." Miss Pepper said. "We make him completely naked and then we paint 'Vote for Alfred' all over his body, and then we strap a parachute on him and throw him out of a helicopter for everyone to see."

"You're a genius, Ivy." Miss Quinzel said, and shook her can of spray paint.

Mister Crane then came up the stairs and said, "I just got off the phone with Jacob Sartorius. He said he'd endorse Pennyworth for mayor, because as we all know, people always listen to celebrities even when they're grossly underqualified to talk about important political matters."

Miss Quinzel nodded and said, "Okay, now we have to write you a speech. Here are some writings tips. Rule One – if you forget to put an exclamation point at the end of a cry of pain, it sounds extremely sexual. Just read 'Ah... ow... oh god, stop... please, oh... ow, stop, it hurts... no, ah.'"

I sighed, "Kids, I appreciate it, but I have everything laid out already. I'm going to win this fair and square."

I felt a tugging at my leg, and looked down to see Baby Richard teething at my pant-leg.

"See, he knows." Mister Crane said. "People love mayors holding babies."

"Sean?" Miss Pepper asked while spray painting Mister Ornelas. "I don't think 13-year-olds are supposed to have hair there yet."

Later that day, we ordered a bunch of campaigning signs and got in the car to go around town and put them up. We put them up in streets and businesses all over Gotham so that anyone would be able to see the signs. I think the company did a rather nice job on them. Along the way, I saw a few of Captain Barnes' campaigning signs which depicted him with an angry face pointing at the camera and yelling, "WE NEED TO BUILD A WALL!" Not sure what that's about.

Anyway, halfway through, a black car stopped in front of ours. I rolled down the window to see what was up, and I saw Penguin at the driver's seat.

"Hello, Penguin." I said. "Are you putting up campaigning signs too?"

"Even better!" Penguin grinned. Then, the roof of his car opened up and Mr. Gilzean came out of the roof holding a rocket launcher. The kids and I watched in shock as Penguin drove down the road, and Mr. Gilzean used the rocket launcher to blow up each and every one of my and Barnes' signs. Well, no harm done, I suppose.

That evening, the kids and I were gathered around the television since we heard that Barnes and Penguin paid to be on the news. We all waited patiently for their speeches to arrive, and I was surprised when they did.

Barnes was first. He stood at a desk yelling, "WHEN I BECOME THE MAYOR OF GOTHAM, I WILL BUILD A WALL AROUND THE CITY SO NO MORE CRIMINALS CAN COME IN. IT WILL BE TWENTY FEET TALL, AND I WILL MAKE THE CRIMINALS PAY FOR IT! I WILL KICK OUT ALL OF THE CRIMINALS IN GOTHAM! IN ADDITION, I AM ALSO VERY SMART AND VERY ATTRACTIVE. HERE TO SAY A FEW WORDS IS MY CAMPAIGNING ASSISTANT, HARVEY BULLOCK."

Detective Bullock stepped onto the podium, cleared his throat, and began. "My ancestors were sword smiths. They believed that to have good metal, it had first to be forged. I look at tonight as-"

"Wait, you're just copying Mayor Galavan's speech!" one of the audience members yelled, to which Bullock just stared bashfully into the camera and yelped, "Vote for Barnes!"

After Barnes stepped off the podium, Penguin stepped on, cleared his throat, and said, "As an average citizen of Gotham, I understand the needs of the average citizen. I am completely for the abolishment of crime, as I have never committed crime in my life. As for my competition, well Barnes wants to build a wall. That speaks for itself. In addition..." his speech continued for twenty minutes.

At the end, Miss Kyle sneered and said, "Penguin's speech was just twenty minutes of him lying and bashing his opponent! He was responsible for a bunch of death and he's only bashing his opponent because he has no qualifications himself."

"Yes, I suppose." I sighed.

"It's not like Barnes is better." Mister Kerr said. "He's such a loud bigot that spews offensive sh*t and doesn't listen to anyone. We're so lucky we have Alfred."

Master Bruce came back from the kitchen with a freshly popped bowl of popcorn. "Okay, Alfred. All the candidates get to make their speeches tomorrow, and then it's voting time."

My jaw almost dropped. "Tomorrow?! It's only been three days!"

Mister Ornelas shrugged, "Yeah, mayors in Gotham die so often that we don't put a lot of effort into finding new ones."

Anyway, that was it. Tomorrow, I would make my speech and see if I could win back my title and restore order back to my city.

 **So anyway, I get a recurring request from a guest to write a 'Secret Diaries of Everyone Else' chapter where everyone gets spanked, and I've thus far avoided it because well, I'm a teenage boy... but hey, almost a year has gone by since that request, and I'm old enough to drive and read classic literature and date Camren Bicondova (you know, if she wants) so Guest, just send me the request for what you want to happen to each of the kids again, and I'll make it a chapter.**


	100. Vote for Alfred! (Part Three)

**Okay, the Sunday schedule is no longer working for me, so... are Mondays okay? My schedule has been shifting lately, so I'll let you know what days I can update on.**

Dear Diary,

Today was the day. The kids and I were on our way down to city hall to make my speech against Barnes and Penguin to see if I could win back my position as the mayor of Gotham city. I would have to meet with all sorts of different people and try to impress all of them, try not to be killed by people who would try to assassinate their way into the mayor's office, and do it all better than two sociopaths that had much more leadership ability than I.

I had written a speech, but I had scrambled it together because I couldn't think of anything to say. I was thinking I'd wing it later and hope for the best. The kids had brought a few posters and banners with my face on them, so I was set.

When I got down to city hall, I looked out at the crowd and a swarm of photographers took pictures of me getting out of the car. Barnes and Penguin were the first people that I saw.

"WELL, LOOK WHO WE HAVE HERE!" Barnes yelled. "IT'S EX-MAYOR PENNYWORTH!"

"Hello, Captain Barnes." I said, trying to be polite. "I'd like to wish you good luck during this election."

"AND I'D LIKE TO WISH YOU A FLYING JUGGALO WITH A BB GUN WHO'LL SHOOT YOUR D*CK OFF!" Barnes yelled in my face.

Penguin scoffed, "We've got this in the bag, Pennyworth. Once Barnes and I win, we'll become co-mayors and put a contract out on your head. We can't possibly lose."

We all turned around when we heard a tapping on a microphone and saw Councillor Dent standing on the podium. He cleared his throat and said, "Hi, everyone. This is the new election for the new mayor of Gotham. If you're new in town, welcome to Gotham city, the city where anything can happen!"

Mister Crane yelled out from behind me, "Okay, can you stop?! I don't see why whenever anyone in Gotham describes Gotham city, they have to make it sound so damn grandiose! Seriously, no one can describe this city without sounding like they're reciting the motto of Ghetto-ville! 'This is Gotham – the land of opportunity' or 'This is Gotham – you can't trust anyone' or 'This is Gotham – you can find assassins in the phonebook under A'. You're describing a city, not advertising a f*cking TV show, so you don't have to put all your drama and grandeur into it!"

We were all quiet until Dent continued, "Uh... okay. Anyway, you'll all have a few hours to ask your candidates whatever you want, and then they'll make their speeches. You'll then write your vote on a ballot and submit it."

After all of that, the crowd started mingling, and a few people came up to me. One of the first was a citizen I recognized as Jeri, a green-haired musician who played at the underground clubs that celebrated the deeds of the serial killer Jerome Valeska. Throwing parties themed with fear and hatred is a bit unorthodox, but I suppose the Westboro Baptist Church had to come from somewhere.

"Yo, Pennyworth." she said. "My next door neighbor keeps yelling at his kids and it keeps me awake at night."

I nodded, a bit confused. "I'm sorry to hear that."

Miss Jeri nodded, "I want you to kill him."

"Well... I can't really do that because it's illegal to murder people, but I can ask your neighbor to-"

"Penguin said he'd kill him." Miss Jeri shrugged. "Penguin said he'd kill him real slow-like. He mentioned a cactus being used."

I nodded, "Well, if that's what you want, then I suggest that you vote for Mr. Cobblepot."

Jeri shrugged, "Nah, I'll vote for you. You've got that fancy Old England vibe that I like."

On the other side of the crowd, though, Barnes was riling up the crowd with his speeches about how he was going to build a wall to keep the criminals out. Penguin was straight up telling lies for twenty minutes, and they seemed to be much more popular than I.

After a while, a person that I recognized as the Lady, a woman who ran the agency for illegal hitmen in Gotham, came up to me with a stern face and said, "The police are after me because I'm responsible for the deaths of forty-five people and four dogs."

I nodded, "Okay. What do you want me to do about it?"

"I want you to make it legal to kill forty-five people and four dogs."

I sighed, "Okay, Mr. Dent? Why are there so many criminals here?"

Mr. Dent looked over at me and smiled, "Oh, well you see, America is a democracy, which means that all of the citizens of Gotham have a right to vote for who they want as mayor."

"Yes, of course." I said.

"And so we let all of the inmates out of Arkham Asylum so that they could vote."

"Well, that explains a lot." I growled. "Why did you let all the inmates out of Arkham instead of telling them about the polls in their cells?"

Aaron Helzinger walked by me and said, "Because I'm normal, just like any other citizen!"

I sighed, "But then aren't you valuing the feelings of a small portion of the population over the safety and rights of the other 99 percent? Aren't you infringing on the rights of one group to give another group the rights they want?"

Dent shrugged, "Eh, when you don't they b*tch and whine on the internet and shove their extra rights down your throat, so it's just easier for everyone."

"It's true!" Grinned Mr. Freeze, who was walking by to vote for Barnes. "Once, my request for the right to freeze people's arms off was denied by the government, so I complained about it on Tumblr for weeks!"

"How about thinking about the implications of what you ask for before you do it?" I asked.

Dent, Freeze, Helzinger, and all of the other Arkham inmates suddenly gasped and turned towards me. Firefly scowled, "Did you just say something negative to me that pertains to my individuality? How dare you! You're discriminating against criminals! You're... criminal-ist!"

I sighed, "Okay then, do you all have any issues that you'd want to share with the rest of us?"

Firefly raised her hand and said, "Once, I was trying to burn down a hospital full of sick people, and then I was arrested, and that infringes on my freedom to do whatever I want."

"You didn't have the right to do whatever you wanted in the first place!" I said.

She gasped, "You're crossing a line now, Pennyworth. I'm a victim of society keeping me down and you're just a bigot who doesn't listen to my special needs!"

"Hey, guys!" Mr. Helzinger said. "Penguin says that he's going to give us everything we want!"

With that, all of the inmates ran over to Penguin and started chanting his name and dropping their ballots in his box.

Finally, Dent tapped his microphone and said, "Okay everyone, it's time for our candidates to make their speeches. Captain Barnes, we'll start with you."

"I WANT TO BUILD A WALL AROUND THE CITY TO KEEP THE CRIMINALS OUT, AND I WILL MAKE THE CRIMINALS PAY FOR IT. THAT IS ALL."

After that debacle, it was Penguin's turn. He cleared his throat, grinned at the audience, and then straight up lied to the audience for a few minutes, saying that he wasn't a criminal and that if he won, he'd give every person in Gotham free money and stop all crime.

The Electrocutioner who was in the audience raised his hand and asked, "If you win, will I be allowed to wire up a car battery to my landlord's tongue and electrocute him until his eyeballs fall out?"

Penguin grinned, "Of course! If I win, everyone will have the right to wire car batteries to the tongues of landlords and electrocute them until their eyeballs fall out!"

"Will I be able to lock down schools and beat up teachers in front of their students?" asked Mr. Cupcake.

Penguin nodded, "Of course! Never again will you not be able to beat authority figures to a bloody pulp in front of impressionable young children!"

"Will I be able to steal my butler's underwear while he's sleeping?" Miss Pepper asked, before slowly putting down her hand and grinning at me.

Finally, it was my turn. I walked up to the podium and took my crumpled up speech out of my pocket. I looked down at all of the people watching me and I remembered all of the things that they asked me for. I remembered all of the things I'd have to do for them if I did become the mayor, and suddenly, I realized something. I threw my speech on the ground and sighed,

"A democracy used to be about making choices as a people and finding what was best for all of us. Democracy used to be about people finding what was best for the people and the people finding what was best for the city. But times have changed. All of you are squabbling amongst yourselves. You're not thinking about the city at all. All you people are doing are thinking about yourselves. Before you fight for something, you have to think about what it means for everyone else. Fighting for your rights is no good when you're infringing on someone else's. As for my fellow candidates – you're not fighting to make the country better like politicians should; you're fighting because you want to be mayor. Instead of integrity, we're now fighting with media, lies, and bias. You're taking advantage of your free speech and shoving bias and selfishness down other's throats. If that's how we're voting, then it doesn't matter who wins, because no matter what, this city is screwed."

Everyone just stood silent for a while. After a while, Mr. Helzinger grabbed Penguin's ballot box, threw it on the ground, smashing it into pieces, and pulled out his ballot. He then walked over and put it into my box. Soon, other people started to do it too.

And that is how I won back my position as mayor.


	101. Bruno vs Jack: Dawn of Ivy

**Hi, so I was originally going to post this on my other story, but I figured I'd do it on here because I hyped it so much. If you were expecting a diary entry, I'll post one later in the week. In case you haven't read the other story, Jack and Harley cross over to an alternate universe where Gotham is a TV show. I only used Jack and Harley to prevent it from getting super trippy. Just in case anyone takes this to heart, all of the personal attacks on Bruno Heller are just for satire and I am in no way saying that Bruno Heller is anything like what I wrote him as. Well, I kind of am, but...**

Jack and Harley were sitting on the couch of their mansion surfing channels on their television. Harley was curled up with her arms around Jack, and he was channel-surfing with the remote. Suddenly, Jack got to a channel that featured a bunch of women in their underwear rolling around in a blanket.

"Ugh, this is disgusting." Jack groaned.

Harley looked up at him. "What do you mean, Mister J? It's just the human body."

"No, I'm not talking about their excessive fornication, I'm talking about how some movies and TV shows can't think of a good plot or characters so they just shove boobs in your face. Look, I'm not saying that I hate sex appeal. Attractive people will always bring in views and nothing will change that. I'm saying that I hate sex appeal when it's used in place of an interesting plot and character development. When you use attractive trends as a marketing technique, you're admitting that there's little that's interesting about your movie or TV show outside of trends that will die in a few years."

"I get what you're saying." Harley nodded. "It's like using famous celebrities in your movies. It works to attract attention, but it's also a really easy way to cover up when you have nothing else to like in your movie."

"Exactly." Jack grinned. "I'm just glad that good shows like Gotham don't have to resort to boobs to get views."

"Oh." Harley giggled sheepishly. "I guess you haven't seen the news yet?"

Jack sighed, "Don't be dumb, of course I have. There's gonna be a musical episode of Supergirl and the Flash. I... don't know how that's going to work, but I'll give it a chance."

"Nope, not that."

Jack sat up and stared at her. "What is it, Harley?"

Harley looked for the article on her phone and finally showed it to Jack. The news that Gotham was recasting Clare Foley because they wanted to sexualize her character, choosing to replace Clare with a 28-year-old woman named Maggie Geha. The new Ivy would be a 19-year-old with the mind of a 14-year-old and would be going after Bruce Wayne.

"BRUUNOOOOOOOOO!" Jack yelled, shaking his fists at the sky and making the entire world shake. "He thought this was a good idea! The ONE person who thinks that casting a 28-year-old to play a 19-year-old with the mind of a 14-year-old, and he's in charge of Gotham!"

"The writers must have a tough time keeping track of everyone's age." Harley shrugged.

"Look at the picture of Maggie Geha as Ivy!" Jack screamed, enraged. "Her boobs are about to spill out of that dress! Just... there was so much story potential with Clare Foley. She could grow up with the show and be harassed by the world over years and years, slowly growing to hate humanity and use her sexuality as a weapon while developing her powers from childhood! She would've been a breakout star by the end of the series, and Bruno Heller thought that it would be a great idea to skip over all of that so that we could have more boobs?! What the f*ck, Bruno?!"

Harley kept reading the article and said, "And it also says that the new Ivy will be going after Bruce Wayne."

Jack's eye started twitching. It started off as a short twitch, but then gradually turned into heavy jerking and finally, Jack exploded with his face red, turning to the sky and yelling as loud as he could, "BRRUUUUUUUUNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Harley shrugged, "I guess a 15-year-old seducing a 14-year-old wasn't creepy enough, so Bruno's trying it again with a 28-year-old. If this doesn't work, this season is gonna end with Bruce getting lips at the geriatric home. You know, this is also kind of insulting to the LGBT community in that other than Selina, all of the show's LGBT characters have no purpose other than sex appeal. I mean Montoya, Tabitha, Ivy – even Barbara's character development seems like an afterthought."

Jack didn't hear her. He was too busy growling with rage. "WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON BRUNO, I'M GONNA-"

"But Jack, you can't do anything!" Harley said, trying to calm him down. "It's just like how Cameron Monaghan said he'd love to return, so Bruno could bring Jerome back at any time he wanted to, but he chooses not to because he wants to focus on making David Mazouz's family dinners super awkward. The rage of a few fanboys isn't going to do anything!"

Jack stopped and froze, hatching ideas in his mind. "Wait... that's it! The rage of a few fanboys isn't going to do anything, but... what about the rage of a _bunch_ of fans?! What if we gathered an army of fans that will not stand for this and brought them all to his doorstep, demanding him to bring back Clare Foley?!"

"It's useless, Mister J!" Harley said. "Bruno clearly doesn't care about what the fans want!"

"Then we're going to _make_ him care! I'll scour the globe for my army. I'll find everyone who gives an iota about this conspiracy and bring them all to Bruno's doorstep! I will make him realize what he's done! Recasting a young girl who's just starting puberty because she's not hot enough is wrong! Suddenly sexualizing a character because you're too lazy to come up with interesting plot for her is wrong! Casting a 28-year-old to play a 19-year-old is wrong! An underage girl in the body of an adult is wrong! Letting a 28-year-old even think of seducing a 14-year-old is wrong! We will not stand for this! We will not let him take a character with years of feeling and reason – an eco-terrorist with a hatred for humanity and a maternal side that forces her to switch between good and evil on a regular basis – and turn her into a poster for teenage boys to soil!"

 **NINE HOURS LATER...**

"Uh, Puddin'?" Harley asked. "Where did you find these people?"

"I posted an ad on Tumblr." Jack said proudly.

"Puddin'?" Harley asked. "Was that the best place to find an army?"

"Oh, well I'm sorry that my account on expired last week. Besides, we all know Tumblr is the best place to find aggressively opinionated people that refuse to look at the other side of the story." Jack grinned, looking over the bunch of people standing on his lawn and talking to each other. "Okay, guys! Let's all introduce ourselves. My name is Jack Kerr, and this is Harley Quinzel. We're here to storm Bruno Heller's house and demand justice! Now let's go around the circle and introduce ourselves."

A girl raised her hand and said, "My name is Rachael, and I want Clare Foley back because she's bae."

Another girl raised her hand and said, "My name is Claire, and I want to know what drugs Bruno is on when he writes the scripts."

A guy raised his hand and said, "My name is Bruce, and I want to RIP BRUNO'S ARMS OFF HIS BODY AND SHOVE THEM-"

"I like this army." Jack grinned.

 **THREE HOURS LATER, AT BRUNO HELLER'S HOUSE...**

Bruno Heller was at his desk writing down ideas for the next episode of Gotham. As he typed on his computer, he read out loud, "And then, the new adult Ivy makes out with Jim Gordon... and then Jim finds out that he kissed an underage girl and gets arrested... and then she kisses Alfred and then Alfred is arrested for kissing an underage girl... and then she rubs her boobies all over Bruce's face! Yeah, that's what the fans want to see! I'm a genius!"

"NO YOU'RE NOT!" chanted an army of angry fans holding their torches and pitchforks at the front of his house. Bruno looked out of his window at the angry mob and ran down to open the door to see what was wrong.

"What's this?" he asked, before noticing who was standing in front of the mob. It was a teenage boy with spiky hair with green streaks in it and a black blazer and sweatpants standing next to a teenage girl with blonde pigtails and a red and black skirt. "Ugh, Jack and Harley. What are you doing?"

"I've been asking myself that for the past fourteen years." Harley shrugged with a grin.

"That's it, Heller!" Jack yelled at the top of his lungs. "You can kill off Jerome! You can destroy the idea of Batgirl! But this is where I draw the line!"

Bruno looked at the two confusedly as Rachael and William from the army held up a picture of Maggie Geha as Ivy. Jack glared at the TV producer and Bruno Heller shrugged, "So?"

"IT'S TOO F*CKING DISTURBING!" Jack yelled, exploding with rage. "No one in the history of cinema and television has ever thought an underage girl in the body of an adult woman was okay! If she kisses an underage boy, it's disturbing because he's kissing an adult! If she kisses an adult, it's disturbing because she's underage! This whole thing is really F*CKING DISTURBING!"

"Not to mention that you put a little girl out of a job because you couldn't exploit her for sex appeal." Harley said. "Clare baked you cookies once, and you recast her because her boobs weren't big enough. What could you do with Maggie Geha that you couldn't do with Clare Foley other than sex appeal? In fact, I'm genuinely scared of what you're going to do once Camren Bicondova turns 18 this year."

"And since when do you have a problem with sexualizing kids anyway?!" Jack growled. "Just listen to these actual unedited lines from Gotham."

" _Hit me, and... I'll let you kiss me."_

 _"_ _See this finger? I've got little Bruce wrapped tight around it."_

 _"_ _You're a healthy young lad and she's a very pretty young girl with a penchant for wearing, well, a little too much leather."_

 _"_ _He says if I don't make you love me again, he'll kill me."_

"You filthy butt munch... you don't give a f*ck about sexualizing kids!" Jack screamed. "Did you just not like Clare Foley? Or you didn't think she was hot enough? Or is a 14-year-old girl seducing a 14-year-old guy wrong to you, so you have to make all of Bruce's girlfriends older than him? Do you have any idea how much David Mazouz's friends must tease him for being a player?"

"Or maybe you were too lazy to write an interesting plot for Ivy." Harley glared. "That's it, isn't it! You thought you could kill two birds with one stone – get some boobage on the show _and_ get out of thinking of conflict for an extremely interesting character that could go in millions of different directions! What do you have to say for yourself, Bruno?"

Bruno was silent for a long time as Jack and Harley waited for a response, and he finally squeaked, "But don't you like boobs?"

"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" Jack exploded, jumping on the TV producer and grabbing the collar of his shirt, shaking him like a rag doll until a voice far in the distance told him to stop. It was a quiet and high-pitched voice, but it was enough to make everyone freeze and turn their heads.

"Clare Foley!" Jack yelped, hopping off of Bruno and running up to the young actress. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to stop this." Clare said. "Look, Jack. I really appreciate this. Having fans that care so much about me is more than I could ever ask for, but you don't need to do this. The truth is that I wanted to leave. Poison Ivy is such an iconic role and is loved by so many people that I couldn't handle the pressure of having to grow up and become this larger-than-life character. I told Bruno how I felt, and he agreed that no child should have to grow up with that kind of pressure on them. It keeps David and Camren up at night and it's been eating away at me ever since I started the role. Bruno knew that growing up on screen wasn't a life that kids should have, so he recast me with a strong woman with complicated development. Having so many years of her life stolen from her makes Ivy spite the world for taking away her life, and she wants to go after Bruce to get to Hugo Strange and exact her revenge. It isn't about sex appeal at all. It's about bringing you the origin stories of this city and making you feel something special."

Everyone was silent for a long time as they realized what they were doing. Eventually, everyone realized that they were wrong about Bruno Heller, and Brandon and Claire helped him up. After Clare left, everyone slowly started to leave with a smile on their faces.

Jack and Harley were the last to leave. Jack nodded at Bruno and said, "I'm sorry, Bruno. I should have thought about what I was doing."

"It's okay." Bruno said, turning back and heading back into his house.

Jack nodded and said, "Come on, Harley. Let's go home." Then, he turned around and noticed that Bruno Heller dropped a piece of paper. It was a letter. Jack read the letter and it said,

 _Dear Clare Foley,_

 _Could you drop by my house for one more acting job? There's an angry mob at my door and I need you to come by and pretend that aging up Ivy Pepper wasn't just about sex appeal. You'll be paid for your role._

 _From Bruno Heller._

"BRRUUUUUUNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jack bellowed at the top of his lungs before grabbing a large rock off the ground and running into Bruno's house to give the TV producer a piece of his mind.

 **Thanks to all the people that PM'd and left reviews to make guest appearances in this. Let's be honest, we're not getting a change. I just wanted to bring to attention how wrong this is and spread the word that we don't like it when a show about origin stories that specifically refuses to age up Bruce Wayne turns around and ages up Ivy Pepper because she can be used for sex appeal. The next part of the election is coming next!**

 **Edit: Since the time of this writing, news has come out that the new Ivy will not be sexualized, to which I say – bullsh*t. If you weren't going to sexualize her, you wouldn't have gone through the effort of holding auditions to find a girl who specifically looks hot and then put her in a dress that her boobs are going to spill out of at any moment. Bruce and Ivy also are also going to have a sibling relationship, which is somehow even creepier when you consider their comic book future relationship. I promise though that if the series comes up with a plot for Maggie Geha that does not involve unnecessary sex appeal and could not possibly be done with Clare Foley in any way, I will gladly apologize to Bruno Heller. Also, Jerome is coming back, but I'm keeping that line about him because I'm a comedic genius.**


	102. Diaries of Everyone Else: Spanking

**Hi, sorry I haven't updated in forever, but a new year of school has started and I have been so busy with registrations and forms and those things. I'll try to go back to the Sunday schedule now, but these kinds of breaks might happen a little more frequently, just so you know. Anyway, this chapter is a request by a guest who's been keeping up with this story almost since the beginning, which I think is pretty cool. I want to start taking requests more often, so feel free to leave some.**

Dear Diary,

My day was fairly quiet, but when I called all the kids down for dinner, I found that all could barely walk. I asked them what had happened, and they all responded with 'it's complicated', so I decided to have them write down what happened in their own diaries.

* * *

 **Cat's Diary:**

Howdy Journal,

So today, I wanted to do something really fun, so I did, and it was really, really fun! Unfortunately, Alfred didn't exactly think it was as fun as I did.

"Miss Kyle!" Alfred yelled at me, his face turning red like an elderly ex-military tomato. "How many times have I told you not to make mashed potatoes by repeatedly throwing boiled potatoes against Mister Ornelas' abdominal muscles?!"

I dropped the potato I was holding and tried to lick the mashed potatoes off of Seany-boo's abs. They were Sean-flavoured. If you haven't tried Sean-flavoured foods yet, I heavily recommend it. "But, Alfred – I couldn't find anything as hard as Sean's abs!"

"What about – oh, I don't know – an actual spatula?!"

"Oh, Alfred, stop making up words."

Alfred got really mad, and then calmed down a little and got an idea. He called Sean into another room for a little bit, and when he came back, he was holding a towel.

"Okay, Cat, Alfred said that he has arthritis pain, so he told me to punish you instead."

And so Sean spanked me repeatedly with a towel.

* * *

 **Jonny's Diary:**

Salutations Logbook,

This morning, Ivy came back after a long walk in the woods. She brought back a rose and said it called to her and that it was her family. She put it in a little vase and proceeded to sit next to me. I was watching the security footage from a mafia execution on the television. It was hilarious.

"This is terrible!" Ivy gasped, as Don Maroni shot down a row of men in cold blood. "Don Maroni keeps hitting the grass with his bullets!"

"I... don't care."

Ivy then went on a two hour rant, and then accidentally hit her vase making her rose fall to the ground. After a brief funeral for her rose, I went back to watching the security footage, and Ivy was having none of my sh*t.

And so Ivy spanked me repeatedly with a slipper.

* * *

 **Harley's Diary:**

Greetings Agenda,

Today, I had a plan, so Alfred took me and Mister J to the GCPD precinct! I asked to go see Doc Thompkins, and so Alfred called her down for me and Mister J.

"Miss Quinzel, I don't know what you're doing, but you'd better not be causing trouble." Alfred said.

"Hey, Alfred?" Mister J asked. "How come you call Bruce 'Master' Bruce, but you just call me and her Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel?"

"I call Bruce 'Master Bruce' because he pays me."

"Oh." I said, and held out some money. "Here's five bucks."

Alfred took it. "Thank you."

"Now will you call me Master Harley?"

"F*ck off, Miss Quinzel."

Doc Thompkins came down to see what we were up to, and I told her that Jim Gordon brought her a sandwich for lunch! She was very surprised since Jim Gordon never gave her presents (he forgot her last birthday and had to give her a bowl of Selina's Sean-flavoured mashed potatoes) so she took a bite of the sandwich. It turns out that she was allergic to mushrooms. It also turns out that we were completely out of peanut butter, jelly, tomato, ham, lettuce, or any other sandwich ingredients, so I just made a mushroom sandwich.

Me and Mister J laughed real good, but Alfred didn't get the joke.

"Harley," Mister J said to me. "That was very naughty. I'm afraid I'll have to hurt you really, really bad."

"You think so? Well I can take it."

"You two have been waiting to say that ever since the movie came out, haven't you?" Doc Thompkins sighed.

And so Jack spanked me repeatedly with a flyswatter.

* * *

 **Bruce's Diary:**

Dear Diary,

Today, when I woke up, I headed to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I opened the cabinet to get the gel for my hair, and I discovered the beauty products that the others used – a can of green hairspray for Jack, Harley's perfume, and an electric hair curler that Selina used for her hair. To be honest, I'd never seen her use it and I was very curious about how it worked. I decided that there was no harm in trying it out and used it on my hair. It worked pretty well, but halfway through, I heard a snapping sound. I guess I didn't use it properly, so I slowly put it back and destroyed all evidence that I had touched it.

When I left the bathroom, Selina came in after me. I don't think that she noticed that I broke her hair curler, that is until she used it. She then called me into the bathroom. She was pretty angry.

"Bruce, did you break my hair curler?"

"No, I didn't even know you had one! What's a hair curler?"

"Bruce, are you lying?"

I sighed, pulled down my pants, turned around, and bent over. "Please use the red towel, the blue one is still stiff from laundry day."

And so Selina spanked me repeatedly with a towel.

* * *

 **Jack's Diary:**

Shalom Activity Log,

Today, I snuck out to go to a house that is NOT SILVER ST. CLOUD'S. NOT SILVER was in the shower when I snuck through the window, singing a song or something, so I made my way over to her closet. Yep, right there was a box full of her white lace panties. Ooh they smelled good. Unfortunately, Silver – I mean NOT Silver came out of the shower wearing a towel, saw me, and she got pretty mad.

And so Silver spanked me repeatedly with a towel. It's okay though. It was the towel she was wearing.

* * *

 **Ivy's Diary:**

I'm too tired for this sh*t.

Harley spanked me with a slipper because she's loony. Is that what you wanted to know?

* * *

 **Sean's Diary:**

Dear Diary,

So today, after a long day in the streets, I was ready to grab some burgers. I headed back to the mansion to see if the others wanted to come with me, and I found Selina lying on her bed with her butt in the air and quietly moaning. I think it had to do with our earlier hijink.

"Hey, Selina." I said. "Do you want to go grab some burgers?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Are you mad that I spanked you?"

"Yes."

"Even though you spank _me_ literally all the time?"

Selina sat up and said, "Well _those_ times, I was spanking you!"

I sighed, "If I let you spank me, will you feel better?"

Selina nodded with a little smile and went to go grab her whip. I went to my room to grab a pair of pants that I didn't much care about, as per usual.

And so Selina spanked me repeatedly with a whip.

 **Next week – something back-to-school related.**


	103. The Kids Go Back to School

**Season Three starts tomorrow, guys!**

Dear Diary,

"MY ANACONDA DON'T – MY ANACONDA DON'T – MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS, HON!" is what I heard when I woke up this morning and found Mister Crane rapping at the front of a band involving Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel banging on pots, Miss Kyle tunelessly strumming a guitar, Mister Ornelas randomly pressing keys on a piano, Miss Pepper hitting an electric guitar against the ground, and Master Bruce desperately trying to conduct the chaotic symphony.

"What are you kids doing?" I asked.

They all dropped their instruments, and Miss Pepper yelled, "We're rocking out!"

"Why aren't you all getting ready for school?" I asked.

Mister Kerr started laughing hysterically. "Alfred, we all graduated already. You were there!"

I sighed, "Yes, you graduated from grade nine. You're going into grade ten now."

"Grade TEN?!" Miss Quinzel gasped. "It's a vicious never-ending cycle!"

Master Bruce frowned, "It's not a cycle – it stops at grade twelve."

"You KNEW about this torture?!" Miss Pepper gasped.

"I thought you guys did too!"

"My father was too busy to send me to school, Harley has been pampered her whole life, and Jack, Sean, Cat, and Ivy have been living on the streets their whole lives with absolutely no reason to investigate the school system, so how the f*ck were we supposed to know that?" Mister Crane glared.

I sighed, "Whatever the reason, you'd all best get dressed and ready."

"Umm, actually," Mister Ornelas said. "I think I'm coming down with a cold, so I should stay at home today." He then proceeded to fake a coughing fit, which got gradually worse until he tried to fake fainting on the ground and dying.

"Also, I have to be at church." Miss Quinzel said.

I sighed, "It's Monday. Also, you were banned from church, don't you remember?"

We all had a delightful flashback to the time Miss Quinzel ran into church in her devil Halloween costume (with furry and glittery horns, a very revealing red dress, and a broom that she turned into a pitchfork) plugged in an electric guitar, and started screaming heavy metal. Then, the kids all got ready for school.

After all the hijinks that involved throwing pancakes, our leaf blower, and me having to bring out the Wayne family shotgun, the kids finally agreed to get in the car so I could drive them to school. Once we got to the school, the kids walked in and I went in behind them just to make sure everything was okay.

The principal, Professor Strange, was waiting at the front of the gym for all the kids to settle down. I saw the other parents waiting with their kids in neat and orderly lines. Of course, Miss Kyle jumped into the gym yelling, "GUESS WHO'S HERE, B*TCHES?!" and a couple of kids ran away screaming. One little boy wet his pants.

"Wait, Ivy?!" a little girl exclaimed. "I thought you moved back to Transylvania!"

Miss Pepper glared at the girl and snarled, "I enjoy having an aura of mystery around me if you don't mind, Sarah Oliver – born on September 17 to Mary and John Oliver on Apartment 6B on tenth street, afraid of spiders and closed spaces, blood type O-."

The little girl also ran away screaming.

I sighed, "I'm so glad that you kids are making friends at school."

Then, Mister Tommy Elliot came up to Miss Kyle with a smarmy grin and said, "Hey, Cat. Nice to see that you're back." And then he made an unsubtle euphemism for sex that involved inserting cream into a donut.

"You'd better stay away from windows for the rest of the year." Mister Ornelas growled.

Master Bruce turned to me and said, "We've broken his leg in three different places last year."

Professor Strange quieted down the kids and gave a short speech addressing how the school year was going to function. Then, he sent all of the kids down to their homerooms. I was about to leave for the car when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I found Professor Strange next to me.

"Mayor Pennyworth, I'd like to see you in my office."

I followed him down the hall to his office, completely dreading what was going to happen once we got there. I was sure that the kids had done some terrible things in the last year that I was in trouble for.

We sat down at his desk, and he just stared at me. We were silent for a few minutes until I decided to start the conversation.

"Hello, Professor Strange." I said. "I see that you're out of prison."

He nodded, "Yes. They let me out yesterday because I was the only one who would agree to be the principal of a high school. An official from the prison checks in on me once every hour. Snipers on the roof have guns trained on me every time I'm holding a piece of metal. I swallowed a pill that can be used to instantaneously kill me if I ever act out violently against the children. Other than that, I'm good. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that since you are the mayor of Gotham city, I would like your assistance in deciding affairs within the school."

"Oh, well of course." I said. "What would you like help with?"

"First of all, we are very short on teachers and staff, so if you knew anyone who would be a good teacher, I would hire them instantly."

"Of course, Professor Strange." I said. "I think I know a few people."

"HELL-TO-THE-NO!" yelled Detective Bullock after a short drive to the GCPD precinct to ask him if he would be interested in a teaching position at the school. "Keep me AWAY from those little cretins!"

"It would merely be a temporary teaching position." I said.

Bullock laughed, "Yeah, and I'm sure when Jim gave you custody of Selina Kyle, he said it was only 'temporary custody'."

Professor Strange sighed, "Well could you at least ask your fellow police and staff members?"

Bullock sighed and yelled extremely loudly, "JIM!"

"I'M IN THE BATHROOM!" Detective Gordon's muffled voice yelled back.

"ALFRED IS HERE AND HE WANTS TO SEE YOU!"

"OH SH*T, JUST TELL HIM THAT I'M AT HOME SICK!"

"I CAN HEAR YOU!" I yelled to him. "I JUST WANTED TO ASK IF YOU WANTED A POSITION AT ANDER'S PREP AS A TEACHER!"

"WHAT'S THAT, ALFRED?!" Detective Gordon yelled. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY NOT WANTING TO TEACH KIDS!"

"DID SOMEONE MENTION KIDS?" Captain Barnes asked, coming out of his office. "I LOVE KIDS! COME AND LOOK AT THESE PICTURES OF MY THREE MYSTERY-SOLVING NEPHEWS!"

Professor Strange smiled, "Yes, we were wondering if any of the GCPD wanted to be teachers at Ander's Prep. We're quite short on staff."

"THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA!" Captain Barnes grinned. "FROM NOW ON, ALL MEMBERS OF THE GCPD WILL BE REQUIRED TO SPEND HALF OF THEIR SHIFT TEACHING CHILDREN AT ANDER'S PREP!"

There was a loud collective groan from all the policemen in the room.

"OH SHUT UP!" Captain Barnes yelled. "WHEN I WAS IN THE MILITARY, I BROKE AN ACADEMY RECORD WITH THREE BROKEN RIBS AND A BRUISED SPLEEN!"

"Well, I quit." Detective Bullock said. "Who wants to come to my retirement party?"

Aside from that remark, Barnes got a few officers who weren't on shift to drive back to the school with Professor Strange and I. I helped assign classes, and I gave Detective Gordon the class with Master Bruce and Miss Kyle. From what I heard, it didn't go very well.


	104. (DFT3) Sean Reacts To Your Reviews

**I'd like to remind everyone if you didn't know that Clare Foley turned fifteen yesterday. I'd also like to remind everyone that two seasons ago, Bruno Heller made a fifteen year old girl say, "Hit me and I'll let you kiss me" but somehow suddenly has a problem with sexualizing kids now that it's Clare's turn and fired her because he couldn't think of anything else to do with her. Happy birthday, Clare! And f*ck you, Bruno Heller. You know what? I'm just going to say it. I have a crush on Clare Foley. I am a fifteen year old boy and Clare is beautiful and adorable and now that she's gone, I'm going to go cry in my pillow.**

* * *

 **Sean Ornelas Reacts to Your Reviews:**

Hey, guys. It's me – Sean. Now, the Secret Diaries of Alfred Pennyworth has been around for about two years, and over that time, we've gotten almost three hundred reviews, and we can't thank you guys enough for all of your support. There's no better motivation than making other people smile. To thank you guys, I decided to sit down and read through some of the things you guys wrote about me and maybe answer some questions you guys have had. Let's get started.

Okay, this one is from a guest, and it reads, "Sean has that big d*ck tho is he virgin?"

Okay, umm... thanks, I guess...? To answer your question, well... I don't know what you guys were expecting. Feel free to leave your guesses in a review, but... you know what? Yes, I am a virgin. I'm just going to put that out there. I don't care what anyone says about me. That's the truth, let's move on.

This is from another guest, and it says, "Good, everyone got a good spamming. Kinda expected Sean to run to avoid to be spank but oh well."

Thanks. I would have run, but, you know... wait, not like that. I don't _enjoy_ it, but I kind of... okay no, that came out wrong. Let's just move on.

This one says, "Well I want for sure is that Selina to spank Sean at least a couple of thousands time and Sean HAS to be naked and wet when Selina does spank him."

Okay first off, I've seen every crime that's happened in Gotham with my own eyes, and even I'm kind of scared of what you people must do with your significant others in private. Anyway, there _is_ a certain point where spanking stops being enjoyable, and as someone who lives with Selina, I can assure you guys that that point is far lower than a 'couple of thousands time'.

This review says, "Make Selina strip Sean really sexy until hes naked and then make Selina get on her knees and take his little – oh... Yeah... that's not something that'll be happening in this story anytime soon. I appreciate the review, but... yeah. I'm thirteen, by the way.

"Now we finally figure out another of Alfred's fears... Spiders! No way Sean can't be scare of a spider!"

Well, a few years ago, I was sleeping on a rooftop and I woke up and there was this huge spider in my mouth. Not afraid of them, but just... ew.

"Aww Selina kiss Seab upside down! I wish she would of grabbed his swimsuit at that moment to but it was nice Sean finally realize at the end just to go skinny-dipping with Selina and love the Sean and Selina competition where Harley is right that Sean always beats Selina 100 percent of the time!"

Why are you guys so obsessed with me being naked? I don't even like being naked that often, you guys just always catch me when I am. Anyway, yeah, I beat Selina in a lot of things. She got really pissed at me for that, so I let her win a hotdog eating contest last week. It ended with her throwing up in a dumpster though, so I still kind of won at the end. Also, ever since that time I was in that surfing contest at the beach, a lot of you guys have been wondering what happened at the end. Well, I don't really remember what happened that day, to be honest. I'm just going to say that there are some activities that don't work well underwater. (and a few that work super well)

"Ooo Sean and Selina sitting in a tree that leads to you know what"

No, I don't know what. What does it lead to?

"Fireworks!? Sean my boy you are sure doing great with Selina! I am now starting to wonder what happen when Bullock said Fireworks... Did Selina steal Sean's virginity? I am a little curious how Alfred became mayor of Gotham just a little and look greatly forward to what is coming up for Orenlina!"

Thanks. I think our relationship is going pretty well for now. No, she didn't steal my virginity. That's all I'll say.

Okay, I think that's all the reviews I'm going to read for now. Let me know if you want me to do this again with Selina or Bruce or Jonny or the others. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you guys later.


	105. Monsters in Wayne Manor

Dear Diary,

This morning, I woke up to find all of the kids in the living room reading a story book to Baby Richard in his crib.

Miss Pepper was reading, "Once upon a time, there was a penguin. The penguin tried to eat a fish, but the fish got pissed off and broke the penguin's leg in several places. The penguin then ate a bunch of other fish and finally pushed the fish that broke his leg off of a roof into the ocean."

"Isn't Richard cute, Sean?" Miss Kyle asked.

Mister Ornelas shrugged, "I'm not into babies. They drool and poop a lot."

"Tell you what," Miss Kyle said. "If you hold Richard for the rest of the day, I'll give you a kiss!"

"I'll also give you a kiss!" Mister Kerr grinned, before seeing the stares of the others. "Or not, you know... whatever you want."

Mister Ornelas sighed and picked up Richard, holding the baby awkwardly against his chest. "Are you guys happy now?"

"You two are so cute together," Miss Quinzel smiled.

There was a knocking at the door, and I went down the stairs to go see who it was. I opened the front door to find Detective Gordon wearing a black leather jacket.

"Detective Gordon?" I asked. "Why are you wearing a black leather jacket?"

He shrugged, "I found it on a fire hydrant on the street and it looked cool, so I just took it. Anyway, you might now that I quit the GCPD to become a bounty hunter to hunt down the monsters that were released from Indian Hill. I was hunting down a pack of monsters just now."

"That's great, but why are you telling me?" I asked.

Gordon sighed, "Because they may have followed me here. Run!"

Detective Gordon and I ran up the stairs to the study where the kids were, and I yelled, "Kids, monsters will be coming here any minute!"

Mister Ornelas stared at Detective Gordon and said, "Wait a minute, is he wearing my leather jacket? I thought I lost that on the streets!"

Master Bruce shrugged, "We can handle any monsters that come to Wayne manor."

"Well, you'd better be," Detective Gordon said, "Because they'll be here any-"

Suddenly, there was a huge boom as the front door was blown wide open. I grabbed my gun out of my secret locker in the couch and turned to the front door to see a man dressed in red goggles and a green hood, metal rivets sticking out of his forehead.

"That's a monster named Shockwave." Detective Gordon said. "He can move things with his mind."

Mister Ornelas frowned and said, "Selina, hold the baby. I've got this."

"Umm... no." Miss Kyle grinned. "Don't you remember, Sean? You have to hold the baby all day."

"What, really?!" He yelled, just nearly dodging a telepathically-thrown table lamp.

Shockwave waved his hand and made a series of books and desk accessories float around him. With a snap of his fingers, the items flew at us. Master Bruce and Miss Pepper grabbed the cushions off of the couch and we all hid behind it while things were being thrown at us.

I carefully waited until Shockwave got tired, and then leapt up to shoot him in the leg with my shotgun. He screamed in pain and fell to the ground. Detective Gordon walked up to him, punched him in the face to knock him out, and then put a pair of handcuffs on him.

"More will be coming soon." He said. "Do you have any weapons?"

"Our weapons are in our bedroom!" Miss Kyle said. "We have to get upstairs!"

Suddenly, another monster came up the stairs with a yell – a woman with blue body armour and a white cape with spiky white hair. She growled and her eyes glowed with blue energy.

"That's the Icebreaker!" Gordon gasped. "She was brought back to life with the ability to freeze things with her eyeballs!"

"What, really?" Master Bruce asked.

"What? It makes as much sense as all the other powers." Gordon shrugged.

The Icebreaker growled, and white beams of light shot out of her eyes at us. One missed, but the other hit Miss Quinzel's leg and froze her foot in a cube of ice.

"Don't worry, Harley. I'll save you!" Mister Kerr declared, right before another beam of light shot out of the Icebreaker's eyes and froze his arm in another giant ice cube. "Actually... you're on your own."

Mister Crane picked up Miss Quinzel and we all ran upstairs as fast as we could while the stairs froze behind us. When we got to the kids' bedroom, I locked the door behind us and Master Bruce went to look through the weapons chest in the corner.

Mister Ornelas picked up his bo staff off the wall and said, "I've got this, guys!"

"Nuh-uh." Miss Kyle frowned, grabbing the staff out of his hand. "I will not have our baby exposed to violence!"

"You're seriously still on this?" Mister Ornelas sighed. "Besides, you left him in the bathroom to watch while you spanked Bruce for two hours last week!"

"That was an accident!"

The door to the room was beginning to freeze over, and I could hear Icebreaker banging on the other side trying to get in. Mister Crane grabbed one of his gas bombs and threw it into the doorway just as Icebreaker broke the door down. Gas spewed all over the doorway and got as soon as Icebreaker breathed it in, she fell to the ground screaming with fear.

"The gas should be clear by now." Mister Crane said. "Let's go."

The kids all grabbed their weapons of choice. Mister Crane grabbed a brown gas mask, a few gas bombs, and a glove with four syringes of fear toxin on the fingers. Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel got their boxing glove guns and some exploding playing cards. Master Bruce got a pair of brass knuckles, and Miss Kyle held her whip. Mister Ornelas held his bo staff in the hand he wasn't holding the baby with.

Then, a new monster came in – a man wrapped head-to-toe in black cloth like a mummy.

"That's G-Man." Gordon said, readying his metal bat. "He has the ability to censor everything that's not rated G!"

"Well then," Miss Pepper said. "I guess we'll have to kick his-"

( **The following fight sequence has been censored for depictions of graphic violence, coarse language, and mild sexual content. Thank you for understanding.)**

Miss Quinzel aimed her boxing glove gun at G-Man and hit him straight in the nose with it, knocking him out on the ground.

Detective Gordon looked out of the window of the kids' bedroom and saw a gang of twenty monsters approaching the manor. I looked behind him and saw a monster wearing a black hoodie with two chainsaws where his hands should have been.

"Careful, that's Excalibur!" Detective Gordon gasped. "He has the power of – well, he has chainsaws for hands."

"Seriously?" Master Bruce asked. "Professor Strange was running out of ideas, so he just taped two chainsaws onto someone's arms?"

Miss Quinzel shrugged, "Eh, still makes more sense than ninety percent of these freaks."

Excalibur lunged for me trying to slice my head off, but I punched him in the face and pushed him out of the window. The glass broke and the two of us fell onto the lawn of Wayne manor where all the other monsters were. Detective Gordon and the rest of the kids jumped down, and I knocked Excalibur onto the ground unconscious with the end of my shotgun.

"You've got one last chance, Detective Gordon." said a monster with bright orange hair. "Let us end you or else we'll have to kill these children and that old dude too."

"Old dude?" I asked.

"Never!" Gordon yelled.

"Then we have no choice! Feel my wrath!" The monster in front of us glowed with bright energy before melting into a puddle of water. We waited for the puddle to do something, but it just sat there. "What?" The puddle yelled. "Not all of us were given villainous powers, you know."

The other monsters ran at us, and we were locked in combat. Mister Kerr shot off his boxing glove gun while Miss Quinzel threw exploding playing cards and used a giant mallet. Mister Crane swiped with the needles of fear toxin on his fingers, and Miss Pepper made a forest of thick vines erupt from the ground and grab the monsters, shaking them until they lost consciousness. (I'll have to ask her about that later.) Master Bruce punched and kicked with brass knuckles, and Miss Kyle used a whip to throw monsters to the ground. Mister Ornelas was spinning his bo staff in one hand and holding the baby in the other. Then, the baby started to cry.

"Sean!" Miss Kyle yelled, while wrapping her whip around a monster's leg and using metal claws on her finger to bring him to the ground. "You made the baby cry!"

Mister Ornelas frowned at her while bringing his staff to the side of a monster's head. "And that's my fault?!"

"Do something!"

Mister Ornelas sighed and did his best to rock Richard back and forth and sing a little lullaby while kicking superpowered monsters in the face and tripping them with his staff.

I blew a hole in a grey-skinned monster's shoulder with my shotgun and gave him a knock in the jaw. Gordon picked up a lawn chair and smashed it over a monster's head. Soon, all of the monsters were unconscious, and all the kids were still intact.

"Thanks for your help." Gordon said. "I'll take them to the precinct and collect my bounty."

"All you did was lead them here and destroy our mansion!" Mister Kerr yelled. "Where's our reward?!"

"You really want _more_ money?" Then, Jim walked away and started loading bodies into his car to bring to the GCPD.

Miss Kyle went over to Mister Ornelas, who was holding Richard's sleeping body in his arms.

"You know," Mister Ornelas said. "Babies are actually pretty cute."

Miss Kyle grinned and gave him a big kiss.


	106. Creating the Riddler

**So I've gotten a really good response from that Q and A chapter with Sean, so I'll definitely do something like that again soon, so submit all the requests and questions you want him or any of the other kids to react to. This chapter is narrated by Harley. Thanks for reading!**

Today, Alfred told me and Cat to go pick up some eggs from the supermarket, so me and her went into town and walked into the supermarket to get some eggs.

"So, Cat," I said. "What kind of mindless shenanigans should we get up to today?"

She shrugged, lookin' all sad-like. "No shenanigans today, Harls."

Well that wasn't fun. "How about mischief?"

"No mischief either."

"Tomfoolery?"

"No Toms shall be fooled today, Harls." Cat said. "I don't know. I live in a mansion, I have my kitty-toys, I have a lot of friends, and I even have a butler, but I just feel like something is missing."

I patted her tightly-leather-clad back. "Well, maybe throwin' confetti in some bozo's face'll cheer you up!" I took a bunch o' confetti and threw it at this skinny guy in front of me, and when he turned around, we found out it was Ed Nygma, the crazy forensic guy!

"Hello, Street Trash Girl and Rich Trash Girl." he said, all happy like. "I was wondering if you could help me with something. You see, I was recently legally released from Arkham Asylum and am no longer insane, so I decided that I wanted to begin my career as a supervillain! Sadly, my last evil plan didn't go so great, as you've seen. I was going to ask Mr. Penguin to help me, but he's busy with other things right now. I was wondering if you two girls could help me reach my full potential as a supervillain. Surely you two have some experience committing crimes."

I wasn't so sure about this guy, but Cat sure seemed awful happy. She grabbed my shoulders and gasped, "This is it, Harley! This is the thing I was missing! I'm going to get to pass my knowledge down to someone else!"

"Whatever it takes to make you happy!" I smiled.

Cat turned back to Forensic Guy. "Okay, we'll help you. But you have to promise to do everything we say, and you'll be a supervillain in no time."

"Deal!" Ed grinned.

We decided to go to our favorite store called, "VILLAINY – everything you need to take over Gotham" where all the supervillains shopped for cool stuff. When we walked in, we heard a voice on the intercom say, "I'm Mr. Zsasz and I'm the manager of VILLAINY. Here, you'll find discounts so low that it's criminal on all the most evil things around, like villainous capes, guns, season three of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and nuclear bombs!"

The first thing we did was go to the clothing aisle, where there was cool stuff like clown costumes, suits that were half black and half white, and even a line of Penguin's new perfume, 'Somethin' Smells Fishy'!

"What are we doing here?" Eddie asked.

"Well, the first thing you need to do to be a supervillain is pick yourself out a cool costume!" I said. "Look around and pick something that suits you!"

So we began an entire clothing montage like in the terrible chick flicks with the glittery titles! Nygma picked out a bunch of costumes, and went into the fitting rooms. Firefly was in charge of the costume department and made sure everything fitted great!

"Too weird." I said, when Ed came out wearing a purple suit and a green wig.

"Too cold." said Cat, when Ed came out wearing an armoured suit and a freeze gun.

"Too environmental." said Firefly, when Ed came out wearing long red hair and a green mini-skirt made of leaves.

Ed sighed, "Well, that's all the costumes in the store and I still haven't found the right one for me. What's left to try on?"

"Try this on." said the Flamingo, as he walked by and threw a green suit in Eddie's face. "It's way too thin for me."

"Why are there question marks all over it?" Cat asked.

Firefly shrugged, "I couldn't decide how much to charge for it."

Ed put on the green suit, and suddenly, a huge smile appeared on his face. "I love this! It's a perfect costume for me! There's just one thing missing..."

"And take this too!" Flamingo yelled, walking by again and throwing a golden cane with a question mark handle at Ed, grumbling, "Why would I need a gold cane? I'm the most feared assassin in all of Gotham, not the frickin' Monopoly Man."

"It's perfect!" Ed grinned, hugging his new suit and cane. "Firefly, I'll take it!"

"Perfect, give me your credit card." Firefly said.

Ed handed over his card, and Firefly scanned it into her machine. Ed asked, "How much of my money are you taking?"

"All of it." Firefly said, smirking and putting Ed's card into her pocket. "This is the supervillain store. If you're not smart enough to rob us, then we rob you."

After we picked out Ed a costume, we headed over to the top floor of the store where we saw Mr. Freeze in his refrigerator suit at a desk typing away into his computer. This was the training center, where low-level thugs trained to be supervillains.

"Mr. Freeze?" Ed said. "I'd like to begin my membership to start my supervillain training."

Mr. Freeze looked up at him and sighed, "Alright." He pushed a button on his desk, and a bunch of cardboard cut-outs of old ladies popped up from the ground. "Now, for your first exercise, I want you to see how quickly you can steal all of their purses. I'll be timing you, so – what are you doing?"

Cat and me looked over to see Ed pulling a wet napkin out of his pocket and cleaning one of the cardboard cut-outs. He stopped and said, "There was dirt on her face so I thought I'd help her with it."

Mr. Freeze sighed and growled, "Her purse?"

"Oh, yeah!" Ed gasped, and looked down to see a purse on the ground. He picked it up, held it in his hands, and then... put it back on the old lady's hands. "I see you've dropped this, ma'am."

"Ed." Mr. Freeze groaned. "Take the purse!"

"Oh!" Ed grabbed the purse and said, "Give me that!" and yanked on it. Unfortunately, it got hooked on the cardboard lady's hand and the cut-out fell over onto Ed and made him fall on the ground. Ed screamed, "Help me! I can't get up! The heavy cardboard has trapped me!"

Mr. Freeze slapped his forehead, turned to Cat and said, "Thaw me out when he's gone." And then froze his own head with his freeze gun.

"Hey, Mr. Freeze! I need some gas bombs for my – oh, hey kids." Said a person. I turned around to see who it was, and it was Detective Gordon from the GCPD! He was wearin' a hoodie so no one would recognize him.

"Gordon?" Cat asked. "What are you doing in a supervillain store? Trying to bust this joint?"

"No," he said. "I used to be a cop, but now I'm an edgy bad guy-"

"YOU'RE NOT A BAD GUY." Yelled every single villain in the mall at the same time.

"I AM SO!" Jim yelled back. "I'm wearing a black leather jacket, I have my hair all long and down over my right eye, I look like a total badass!"

"You look like an emo twelve-year-old who makes depressing Tumblr posts in his room with the lights off." said Aaron Helzinger, who was walking by and lifting weights.

Jim ignored him. "Anyway, do you kids know where I can buy some bullets?"

"In Gotham?" I asked. "They give them away for free at In N' Out bathrooms."

"Hey, is that Ed?" he asked, watching as the Forensic Guy struggled to get out from under the cardboard.

Cat nodded. "We're trying to teach him how to be a good supervillain."

Jim nodded, "Well, go down to the Wonderland Emporium downstairs and see the Mad Hatter. Maybe he'll hypnotize Ed into being a good villain."

"Good idea, Jim!"

We lifted the cardboard off of Nygma and walked him into the elevator down to the Wonderland Emporium. It turns out that Mad Hatter was running a therapy booth/ advice column! We found him giving relationship advice to Barbara Kean in his shop.

"So remember, Barbara." Jervis said. "Sending Jim Gordon severed fingers will not make him like you again."

"But what about severed toes?"

"That's a question for another therapy session."

Barbara jumped off the chair and skipped away happily, so we sat Ed down in the shop and gave Jervis some pocket change.

"What appears to be the problem here?" Mad Hatter asked.

"I want to be a supervillain, and I was hoping you could give me some advice." Ed said.

Mad Hatter nodded and held up his pocket watch, swinging it side to side. "Listen to the ticking of my watch. Notice how it matches your heartbeat. Go to sleep. When you wake up, you will be the greatest supervillain of all time. You will be... the Riddler, and you will rob old ladies and come up with ridiculously complicated evil plans and be pure evil. Awake!"

Suddenly, Nygma jolted up and his eyebrows got all pointy. He looked over at a little girl holding a balloon and started laughing super evilly. He ran over with a pen and popped the balloon, making the little girl cry.

"What are you gonna do about it?" he grinned, laughing like a real bad guy!

Unfortunately, this was the villain mall, and a giant man who owned an underground fighting ring named Cupcake stepped in and said, "DID YOU JUST POP MY DAUGHTER'S BALLOON?!

Well, I guess not everyone is meant to be a supervillain. He'll practise a bit more and maybe he'll get better! You know, once Cupcake stops beating the sh*t out of him.


	107. Trapped in Sirens on Halloween

Dear Diary,

This morning, I woke up to find Barbara Kean and Tabitha Galavan at my doorstep. The kids had apparently let them in and were staring awkwardly at each other.

"Hello, Miss Kean, Miss Galavan." I said. "What can I do for you?"

Miss Kean grinned and said, "We're throwing a big Halloween party down at Sirens and we thought that we'd invite the mayor to our shindig."

"Ooh!" Miss Kyle beamed. "Say yes! I love Halloween parties!"

"You kids are underage and aren't allowed in nightclubs yet." I glared.

Miss Kean shrugged and said, "Nah, they're good. I mean, if I'm going to jail for something, then letting minors into a nightclub will not be at the top of the list. Anyway, the party starts at nine tonight. We'll see you guys there!"

"Wait," Miss Pepper said. "It'll be scary, right? I mean, it _is_ Halloween."

"Pfft," Miss Galavan sneered. "Being scared on Halloween is for little kids. For grown-ups, Halloween is about getting drunk and getting laid with some freak in a slutty costume."

Miss Kean shrugged, "Well, I don't know about that. Have you kids heard about the Angry Avenger of Arkham Asylum?"

All of the kids shook their heads, and I sighed and drank my coffee while Miss Kean told the kids her ridiculous ghost story.

"A few years ago, there was this inmate at Arkham Asylum. He was sent there because he murdered five hundred people. The guards were cruel to him, and only gave him a single cracker to eat a day. Then, when the courts declared him ready for the death sentence, the guards chained him to the roof by the hand and left him to die.

"A few weeks later, the guards went back up to collect his dead body, but all they found was a severed hand in one of the chains. They guessed that the inmate chewed off his own hand trying to escape, and then jumped off the roof to his death, but the body was never found. No, I think that he survived somehow, and is out there waiting for his chance to get his revenge on the city that wronged him."

"How will we know when he comes?" Miss Quinzel asked.

Miss Kean grinned, "First, the room will get super cold. Then, the lights will go out. Then, all of the guns in the room will jam and all the weapons will fall apart. Finally, the dark silhouette of a man with only one hand will arrive and carry you off to his cave to finish you off. Well, it was nice talking to you guys. I'm gonna go get ready for the party."

Miss Kean and Miss Galavan left the mansion, and the kids just sat there frozen with their mouths gaping open. I sighed and said, "So... what are we thinking for breakfast? I was thinking waffles and fresh fruit."

"Did you hear that, Alfred?!" Miss Quinzel gasped. "The Angry Avenger of Arkham Asylum is coming for us!"

I groaned, "Codswallop. I've been living in Gotham for twenty years and I've never heard of a man with one hand jumping off the roof of Arkham Asylum."

"Well you're old!" Miss Kyle yelled. "Old people never keep up with the times!"

"You know," Mister Ornelas said. "I _do_ remember some talk on the streets about an inmate who was chained to the roof of Arkham."

"Well, I'm not waiting around to be killed by this guy." Mister Kerr said. "I'm getting ready to kill this demon!"

"I'll come with you." Mister Ornelas said.

Master Bruce sighed, "So no one's going to comment on how you can't survive on one cracker a day? Or how there are much more effective ways to put down criminals other than roof-chaining? Or-"

"Shut up – we have a demon to hunt." Mister Crane said, going the stairs with the others.

A few hours passed, and at lunch when we were all at the table, all the kids could talk about was how they were going to trap the Avenger of Arkham Asylum. If I had known it was this easy to preoccupy them, I would have made up my own stupid ghost stories a long time ago. They googled how to curse objects and then cursed a spear to work on demons, except the cursing process apparently went wrong, so now they had a cursed pair of rain boots.

When the sun went down, it was time to head to the party at Sirens. I strapped on my mayoral sash to garner some respect, and the kids put on their costumes. Miss Kyle came down first, wearing a black turtleneck sweater with her hair gelled up neatly.

"Hi, I'm Bruce!" She beamed. "I'm so rich that when a restaurant doesn't let me use the bathroom without buying something, I buy the restaurant and then fire the person who said that!"

Master Bruce came down after wearing a black leather jacket, and Mister Ornelas after him with his hair curled and wearing a leather jacket and tight black jeans.

"These jeans are squeezing so many things." Mister Ornelas squeaked, hobbling down the stairs.

The rest came down after, with Mister Kerr wearing Mister Crane's black hoodie, Miss Pepper wearing Miss Quinzel's red and black miniskirt, Mister Crane wearing a black blazer with his hair spiked up and dyed green, and Miss Quinzel wearing a long green sweater. She was holding Baby Richard, who was wearing a grey wig and a tiny suit with a mayor's sash across his chest.

"Look, Alfred!" Miss Quinzel grinned. "Richard looks like you!"

"Wait," I said. "Did you kids just happen to have a wig that looks like my hair lying around?"

Mister Kerr shook his head. "Nope, that was Professor Strange. He has a thing about making people look like other people. He likes switching people out or something. Like recently, he had an evil plan where he kidnapped the real presidential candidates and replaced them with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trum-"

"Okay, I think we should get going. The party should be starting any minute now." I said. Once all of the kids were in the car, I drove off to the Sirens nightclub, where there was a line of people in a line outside. There were orange and black streamers on the door and jack-o-lanterns lining the wall. The door was being guarded by Aaron Helzinger. The criminal was wearing a seashell bra and had his legs bound together with a fish tail.

"Hello, Mr. Helzinger." I said, pulling up so the kids could get out. "What are you dressed as?"

"I'm a mermaid." He said, quite bluntly. "Names?"

I nodded, "I'm Alfred Pennyworth, and with me is Bruce Wayne, Jonathan Crane, Harleen Quinzel, Sean Ornelas, Jack Kerr, Selina Kyle, Ivy Pepper, and Richard Grayson."

As the kids stood behind me, Mr. Helzinger glared at us and said, "You're bringing a baby into a nightclub?"

I stammered, "Yes, well... we didn't have a sitter and we thought that, well,"

"I wish my parents cared about me that much when I was a baby." He said, and started crying. We used that as our cue to walk into the nightclub, where a band was playing on the stage and the criminals of Gotham's underbelly were mingling dressed in their costumes.

I heard someone yell my name, and turned to see Miss Kean yelling at me to come over and converse with her gang. I turned to the kids and very quickly said, "Don't drink any alcohol."

"What if we _do_ drink alcohol but just tell people you told us not to?" Master Bruce asked.

I shrugged, "I'm good with that." I went over to Miss Kean and her gang of Penguin, Mr. Nygma, and Miss Galavan.

"Mayor Pennyworth!" Miss Kean smiled. "We're so glad that you could make it. Did my story scare your kids too much?" She leaned over and whispered to Penguin, "I told the kids about the Angry Avenger of Arkham Asylum."

"It's not that far-fetched, actually." Ed said. "When I was in Arkham, I heard stories of some pretty extreme therapy methods."

"Same." Penguin nodded.

"Same!" Miss Kean beamed. "Isn't it fun being insane?!"

"I'm not insane." Miss Galavan said. "I just like killing people."

I sighed, "Anyway, the kids were pretty freaked out, but I think they've forgotten about it by now. Do you have any drinks around this place?"

Miss Kean gasped and said, "I almost forgot! Butch! Bring us some drinks, won't you?"

Mr. Gilzean walked by and growled, "I'd be able to get you drinks faster if I had my hand back!" he held up the stump on his left arm.

Mr. Nygma shrugged, "Well if you don't want people to steal your arm attachments, then you shouldn't leave them lying around the club. How did you lose an entire box full of attachable drills and hammers and hooks?"

"Hey, Alfred! Look at me!" Yelled Mister Kerr from across the room, with an open box in front of him and a bottle opener attached to his hand. "There's a whole box full of this stuff! There's a whip, and a mini-rocket launcher, and a pair of knitting needles!"

"Give those back!" Mr. Gilzean yelled, running after Mister Kerr.

Meanwhile, Miss Kean grinned at me and said, "So tell me – what did the kids do after my little ghost story?"

"Well, I don't think it affected them too-"

"Hey, is it cold in here to any of you guys?" Miss Galavan asked.

I paid closer attention to the temperature for a little bit and realized that it was in fact getting a little bit cold. I guessed that the thermostat was going out or something.

"Miss Kean," I asked. "Is something wrong with your thermostat?"

She shrugged, "I don't really know. Hey, Penguin, will you go check on the air conditioning?"

Then, I heard a scream, and looked over to see all of the kids running over to me. They were tripping over each other and Miss Quinzel screamed, "It's the Angry Avenger of Arkham Asylum! He's coming for us!"

Mr. Nygma crouched down to look the kids in the eye and comfortingly said, "Don't worry. Demons only come after you when you're naughty."

"Yep, we're screwed." Mister Crane said.

I sighed, "You kids realize that Miss Kean only made up that story to scare you, right? There's no such thing as-"

Then, all of the lights in the club suddenly went out and Miss Kyle screamed, "That's the second thing! All of the lights go out!"

"I'll deal with this." Miss Galavan said, pulling out her whip. Right in front of our eyes, her whip unravelled and fell apart, lying on the floor in front of her. She pulled out a gun, and it suddenly jammed. All of the kids pulled out their weapons, and all of their guns jammed as well.

"Miss Kean, will you stop this?" I asked, frowning at her.

She just shrugged, "Hey, I'm not doing anything."

"So what's making the-"

Right then, the doors of the nightclub slammed closed, and the band stopped playing. Right there on the stage was the shadow of a man with only one hand standing in front of us, and a loud booming voice that resonated from every corner of the room. " _This city wronged me in life, so in death, I will return the favor to its citizens!"_

I sighed, "Mr. Gilzean, please get off the stage. We all know it's you."

"Hey man, I'm standing right here." Mr. Gilzean said. I turned around and almost jumped when I saw him standing right next to me!

I turned back to the stage, and the demon had vanished. The voice continued, " _Let the games begin!"_

With that, all of the party-goers in the nightclub fainted where they stood, with gasping and glasses breaking sounding all around us. When they were all on the ground, it was just me, the kids, and the five criminals.

I checked one of the patrons on the floor. "They're all still alive, but just knocked out." I then checked all of the doors, but all of them were locked shut and chained.

"Hey, where's Butch?" Mister Ornelas asked.

We all looked around, and Mr. Gilzean was nowhere to be found. Master Bruce gasped, "Oh no! This is just like those terrible horror movies where the demon takes us one by one!"

"You're right!" Penguin said. "The only way to survive is to find the demon and kill it!"

"Have your demon boots, Bruce?" Mister Kerr asked.

"Okay, so I think that if this is going to play out like a bad horror movie, then we need to split up." Miss Galavan said. "I'll take Barbara and we'll go-"

"Oh no," Mr. Nygma said. "You two are _not_ going to make out in a closet while the rest of us are being knocked off. I'll go with Barbara. You can go with Penguin. Three of the kids can go with Alfred, and the other four can go with the baby. We'll meet back here in ten minutes."

"Fine." Miss Galavan said, glaring at Penguin. "Looks like you're my-"

Right before our eyes, she was snatched backwards and disappeared from view. We all screamed and looked around for her, but it was no use. She had been taken along with Mr. Gilzean.

"I need a new partner." Penguin said.

Master Bruce went with Penguin and Mr. Nygma, I went with Miss Kyle, Mister Ornelas, and Miss Pepper, while Mister Kerr, Mister Crane, and Miss Quinzel took the baby, and we all split up to go look for the demon. My group went in the back to go look at the storage rooms.

"Now if I was a demon, where would I be?" Mister Ornelas sighed, opening boxes.

Miss Kyle shrugged, "Ask Ivy. She's the ginger."

"Yeah, keep joking." Miss Pepper said, looking through cabinets. "When you find the lizard eggs in your morning orange juice, it won't be my fault."

"Yeah, you do that." I said. "Meanwhile, we have the issue of-"

While I was looking through the pile of boxes, I felt something hard hit my hand and took it out. I took it out into an area that was somewhat lit up and almost gasped in shock. It was a badge from the GCPD.

There was a scream. The kids and I looked up right away, and Miss Kyle started running to where the scream was coming from. We ran back to the main room meeting up with the other half of the kids where Mr. Nygma was looking around the stage, screaming, "Barbara! Barbara! Barbara's gone!"

"What happened?" Miss Quinzel asked.

Mr. Nygma stepped off the stage and said, "Barbara and I were standing on the stage one minute, and suddenly – boom! She's gone! I have no idea where she is."

"Wait," Mister Crane said. "Where's Penguin?"

I sighed, "He was with you the entire time! How did you lose him?!"

"He's a short dude and it was dark!" Mister Kerr yelled. "Now what do we do?"

Master Bruce sighed, "Okay, let's just think for a minute. In order to grab people like that, the Angry Avenger of Arkham Asylum would have to be picking them up from above. That means that... does Sirens have an attic?"

"Yes, there's a storage room above where Tabby and Babs kept the drugs." Mr. Nygma said. "Follow me."

All of us followed him up the stairs into a dark room above the nightclub. He grabbed a flashlight off of the corner and shone it in the room, showing me shelves full of drinks and drugs. The kids gathered behind me, and Mr. Nygma sighed, "Well, here's the attic. I don't think that we're going to find any- AHHH!" I didn't even have time to turn my head to look before there was a cracking sound and Mr. Nygma had disappeared from sight, just like he was ripped through the ceiling. The kids jumped back in horror.

"Okay kids, it's just us now." I said. "Now I think it's time that we think rationally and get out of this nightclub. Now how do we-"

" _It is time that you faced what was coming to you."_ The voice said. It was that same deep, booming voice from before, and the silhouette of the man with one hand was standing right next to the door. " _You will now face my wrath."_

"Time you've gotten what's coming to you!" I yelled, running to go tackle this demon. I felt myself hit something hard, and soon, I was tumbling down the stairs with someone in my arms. I felt the lights turn on and I felt myself hit the floor. When I got up and brought my fist back to punch the demon in the face, I heard a familiar voice cry, "Not the face!"

When the kids came down the stairs and I came to my senses, I realized the truth. I was about to punch Detective Bullock, and the rest of the GCPD was hiding behind shelves. The five criminals were in handcuffs and unconscious, tied to a pole, and Captain Barnes sighed, "WHY IS IT ALWAYS YOU AND THE KIDS?"

"Barnes?!" Miss Kyle asked. "What are you doing?!"

"I'M ARRESTING THESE SCUMBAGS!" he yelled.

"But why did you do all of this?" Mister Ornelas asked.

"IT'S HALLOWEEN! COPS WANT TO CELEBRATE TOO, AND WHEN WE LEARNED ABOUT THE CLUB, WE DECIDED TO WHIP OUT THE OLD HOLOGRAM PROJECTOR."

Well, I suppose that was a greater end than I expected. For the rest of the night though, the kids wouldn't stop bringing up the fact that no one ever denied that the Angry Avenger of Arkham Asylum could be real.

 **Happy Halloween from me and the Wayne Manor kids!**


	108. Meeting Bruce-2

**I am writing this chapter using the vocabulary I've learned from three months of high school French, so I apologize for offending any French people, which this probably will.**

Dear Diary,

Today, I woke up and got a phone call. I didn't know who it was, and so I was surprised when I found out it was a man named Raphael Vivaldi.

"Bonjour, Monsieur Pennyworth, I am Raphael Vivaldi, the most famous fashion designer in all of Gotham! I am calling you today to let you know that I will be releasing my new BCBG clothing line that will be published in Trés Bonne Magazine! As such, I would like to ask for Monsieur Bruce Wayne to model my new line. The young boy is trés beau, is he not?"

Master B hadn't really been out and about lately, and I thought it was important to let Gotham know he was still alive, so I agreed, "Of course, Mr. Vivaldi. He will be at the studio later today. Just one question,"

"But of course, Monsieur Pennyworth!"

"Raphael Vivaldi is an Italian name, isn't it? Why are you speaking French?"

"My parents were very confused. Au revoir, Monsieur Pennyworth!"

I ran downstairs to go tell the kids the good news, but it turned out that Master B wasn't there. I asked where he was.

"Bruce went to the grocery store to go get some orange juice for breakfast." Mister Kerr said. "He should be back any minute."

I shrugged, "Well, I suppose that you'd all like to know that Master Bruce has been selected to be a model for Trés Bonne magazine. We're driving down to the studio later today for the photoshoot."

Miss Kyle grinned, "I knew my Brucey could do it!" and continued to lap up her milk.

"When's Bruce gonna be back?" Miss Quinzel asked.

Miss Pepper checked her watch. "He left like fifteen minutes ago, so he should be back any minute now."

The doorbell rang, and Mister Ornelas said, "That's probably him. I'll get it." He stood up and walked over to the door to go open it, but when he did, Master Bruce looked... different.

His hair was now extremely long and messy. It almost reached his shoulders. He was wearing a black hoodie and sweatpants, and he smelled like garbage. Something about his face was just a little bit... off. I wondered what had happened.

"Bruce?" Mister Ornelas asked. "Are you okay? You seem different."

"I..." he said. His voice sounded a bit different too.

"Hey, maybe he's having an allergic reaction to the tea we had last night." Miss Pepper shrugged. "I probably shouldn't pick tea leaves out of the pockets of old guys in trenchcoats."

Miss Quinzel then ran upstairs to throw up.

"Hair growth _is_ a natural part of puberty." Mister Crane said.

"Dibs on finding out what other parts of his body he grew hair on!" Miss Kyle grinned, leaping to her feet and dragging Master Bruce by the arm up the stairs and to the bathroom.

Well, I supposed if he really was going through puberty, there was no need to make him feel worse than he already must be. Besides, it wasn't like stranger things hadn't happened in this mansion. I decided to ignore it and proceed with the plan. After a few back and forth calls with Mr. Vivaldi, we arranged our time at the studio to be around five in the afternoon.

When it was time, all of the kids got into the car. Miss Kyle and Master B entered the garage, and apparently, short-term memory loss was a side-effect of the allergies.

"What is this?" Master Bruce asked.

Miss Kyle sighed, "This is a car. You get in it and you go places. Get it?"

Once we were all in the car, I started it up and headed for the photography studio that Mr. Vivaldi directed me to. The whole time, Miss Kyle was helping to jog Master Bruce's memory. "This is a window. You look out of it to see things. There's a tree, a fire hydrant, and a street lamp. And there's Detective Gordon. He's all edgy now. You can tell by the way he's chasing an albino while holding a baseball bat. Inside the car, I'm holding a pen. You write things with it. This is my whip. I spank you with it when you're being bad... or good, depending on how you're feeling. This is my bra from the last car adventure we had. And what you have right there is called an erection."

Once we got to the studio, Mr. Vivaldi came out. He was wearing a bright orange suit and had his hair and pencil moustache slicked back. "Ah, bonjour les enfants! Et here is Monsieur Bruce! I am so excited to be working with you. Why don't you go into the back and put on your first outfit for the photoshoot." He held out an outfit covered in a designer bag on a hanger. Master Bruce reluctantly took the bag and slowly walked into the changing room.

"So, Monsieur Pennyworth, we have some papiers to sign and some legal issues to work out, so why don't you come with me into the studio?"

I followed Mr. Vivaldi through the door and into the main studio, where there was a greenscreen and lights ready for a photoshoot. I signed a couple of forms while the kids looked around.

"This is a nice place." Miss Quinzel said.

Mister Kerr grinned, "Yeah, I'd like to get into the modelling business."

Then, Master Bruce came out of the dressing room, now wearing a tight blue spandex bodysuit, a giant blue top hat that was barely balancing on his head, and a small white strap around his waist.

"Actually, I'll let you take this gig." Mister Kerr said.

"Don't you love it?!" Mr. Vivaldi sighed with a huge smile on his face. "It's a statement on the illusions of grandeur that we have for our deteriorating country."

"These clothes are squeezing my..." Master Bruce said. "What did you say the name of this body part was?"

"A wiener." Miss Kyle said.

"These clothes are squeezing my wiener." Master Bruce said.

"We all must make sacrifices to make a statement! Everything turns out alright in the end, right?" Mr. Vivaldi beamed.

"That sounds like what the leader of ISIS would knit onto his doormat." Mister Crane said.

Mr. Vivaldi pushed Bruce towards the camera and said, "Now pose for me."

Master Bruce did his best to pose in that ridiculous getup while the kids and I stared in shock. Master Bruce tried on outfits that looked like a bright neon pink cowboy outfit, a roll of toilet paper wrapped around him several times, a wedding dress made of knitted grass, and several purple feathers strategically glued on him so he could go around in public legally.

His last outfit was a pair of pants that looked like they were made of sheet metal and held on by duct tape. He was shirtless except for a furry boa that wrapped around his shoulders and extended into a swan's leg.

"Ah yes, the magazine will be very happy to publish these!" Mr. Vivaldi said. "Monsieur Wayne, I give you my thanks. I will send these to the company toute suite!"

Then, the front door of the studio opened, and to our shock, the person who walked in was Master Bruce! Well, another Master Bruce, I suppose. This one looked normal, with his normal hair and odour and was holding a carton of orange juice.

"Guys, I told you that I was going to be back with the orange juice. I know I was a little late since I got held up with the GCPD, but it doesn't mean that you can drive off without me. It's lucky that I saw the car parked out here or I never would have... why is there another me with long hair and a swan's leg sticking out of his head?"

As quickly as he could, the other Bruce with long hair ran out the door and into the streets, and all of us were too stunned to stop him. No one could say anything except Miss Kyle, who said, "Well, now everyone will think you're running around town in metal pants and a swan's leg sticking out of your head."

In any case, I don't think the real Master Bruce will enjoy reading Tres Bonne magazine for a while.


	109. The Wrath of Bruce-2

**Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated for so long. I probably won't be updating next Sunday either because I just have a lot to do, but starting December 15** **th** **, I'll be starting the 12 DFTs of Christmas, where I'll be uploading one DFT a day until the 25** **th** **! Also, FanWriter83 and I are collaborating on a brand new story that will be published soon, so stay tuned for details!**

Dear Diary,

Letting the second Bruce Wayne run around freely is no longer an option. This morning, Captain Barnes put up a warrant for the capture of Bruce Wayne, who was last seen with long hair and using expert martial arts skills to rob a bank.

"I don't get it." Miss Quinzel sighed. "Why would Bruce-2 be robbing banks? He could've gotten all the money he needs from us!"

"Not to mention that he barely knew anything. He probably didn't even know what a bank was." Master Bruce said. "I think someone's making him do this. The question is – who?"

I shrugged, "I'll go arrange a meeting at the mayor's office and try to get Barnes to hold off the warrant. I'll show Master B to the city, and once they see his hair is still short, they'll realize the other is an imposter. Meanwhile, I want all of you on the streets finding Bruce-2. He can't be allowed to run around town by himself anymore."

"You want all of us to go run around the streets and hunt down Bruce's doppelganger?" Miss Pepper asked.

Mister Kerr grinned, "Sounds fun. I'll get the boxing glove guns!"

"I feel like you're a little too excited for this." Master Bruce said.

 **(The following events have been pieced together from city security footage)**

Oswald Cobblepot and Nathaniel Barnes were standing in a deserted warehouse together, laughing evilly while surrounded by bags of money.

"This is perfect!" Penguin sneered. "Now that we've randomly found a boy who looks exactly like Bruce Wayne, trained him to be evil, and are using his skills to rob banks, we can now frame Bruce Wayne for all the crimes we want and have Alfred impeached as mayor!"

"WHY DID YOU JUST SAY OUR EVIL PLAN OUT LOUD?" Barnes asked.

Penguin shrugged, "I don't know. It's almost like our dialogue is being written by an author who's so untalented that the only way he knows how to spout exposition is by blatantly reciting it to the reader."

Barnes sighed, "ANYWAY, AREN'T YOU WORRIED ABOUT WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF WE GET BUSTED BY THE REAL BRUCE WAYNE?"

Penguin smirked, "Don't you worry about it, my follicle-challenged friend,"

"IF YOU CALL ME THAT AGAIN, I'LL KILL YOU."

"Anyway, I've gotten my friend Ed to do something about that." Penguin held up a radio and pressed a button, and Edward Nygma walked through the door of the warehouse holding a purple gun the size of a small rifle, with wires and panels sticking out of it.

"This is my hair growth accelerator." Ed said. "Anyone that gets shot with it will experience a rapid short-term hair growth. In short, once we shoot Bruce Wayne with this, the real one will be identical to the fake. No one will be able to tell."

Barnes frowned, "WAIT, IF THE PLAN WAS TO MAKE THE TWO BRUCES LOOK IDENTICAL, WOULDN'T IT BE EASIER TO JUST CUT BRUCE-2'S HAIR?"

Penguin laughed, "And thinking like that is why you're not a supervillain. Ed, give the gun to Bruce-2 and instruct him to shoot Bruce with it. Then have him meet us at the meeting Mayor Pennyworth is having at city hall. We're finally going to take down the mayor!"

Barnes suddenly shot up and smiled, "WAIT, IF THAT GUN CAN MAKE HAIR GROW, DOES THAT MEAN...?"

 **MEANWHILE, AT THE INDUSTRIAL DISTRICT...**

Bruce, Selina, and Sean were holding their weapons in hand and carefully walking along the factory streets, calling for Bruce-2. Bruce had his punching gloves, Selina had her whip, and Sean had his bo staff.

"So where do you guys think Bruce-2 is?" Bruce asked.

Sean shrugged. "I don't know, but on the news, it said that he has some dope martial arts skills, so we have to be careful."

"Did you just say _dope_?" Selina asked.

Suddenly, from the roof of a factory, Bruce-2 jumped down and kicked Sean in the back. Sean fell on his stomach with a thud, and Selina drew her whip back and struck Bruce-2 across the chest, sending him flying across the street.

Sean got up and ran towards the clone as it was getting up, and the two went into a frenzy with kicks and punches. Bruce-2 grabbed Sean's staff in midair, wrenched it out of his hands, and threw it, hitting him in the side of the face. Selina wrapped her whip around Bruce-2's leg and pulled him away just as he was about to punch Sean in the chest. Selina then flipped across the street using the side of the building and kicked Bruce-2 into a lamp post. Bruce-2 grabbed her leg and threw her through the door of the factory.

Sean picked his staff up and hit Bruce-2 in the back of the head, knocking him to the ground and rearing his staff up to hit him again. While on the ground, Bruce-2 grabbed Sean's leg and made him fall before getting on top of him and bringing his fist down on Sean's groin area. Before he could do it again, Selina jumped up from behind the clone and put him in a headlock, dragging him across the street and smashing his body into the brick wall of the factory. Her whip wrapped around his neck and brought him to the ground on his back. Bruce-2 wrapped his leg around the whip and pulled, making Selina fly forward into the wall. As Sean got up, Bruce-2 used the whip to open a manhole cover in the street and kicked Sean in the shoulder, making him fall down into the sewer.

Bruce-2 then pulled out the purple gun and shot Bruce straight in the chest with it. Purple light flashed from it and Bruce screamed in pain as his hair grew longer and longer.

Soon, Sean jumped out of the sewer in his battle stance and Selina stood with her whip ready. The two stood in shock as they saw two Bruces that looked completely identical – both with long hair.

"Bruce?" Selina asked. "Or are you Bruce?"

"I'm Bruce!" Bruce yelled. "He shot me with some weird hair gun thing!"

"No, I'm Bruce!" Bruce-2 yelled. " _He_ shot _me_ with some weird hair gun thing!"

"Well what are we supposed to-" Sean started, before in their confusion, Bruce-2 spun around and knocked out all three of them with one kick.

 **LATER, OUTSIDE THE GCPD...**

Jack and Harley walked around the city trying to find Bruce-2. Jack had his boxing glove gun at the ready, and Harley held a giant mallet.

"Mr. J?" Harley asked. "I don't think we're gonna find him."

Jack shrugged, "Who cares? Cheeves just gave us permission to bludgeon someone."

Suddenly, the two of them turned the corner and found Bruce with long hair wandering around the street confusedly. He saw the two of them and sighed in relief, "Oh, Jack, Harley, it's you two. Bruce-2 knocked me out and dragged me all the way out here. What happened to Selina and-"

"Nice try, Bruce-2." Jack grinned, cocking his gun. "The real Bruce doesn't have long hair!"

Bruce's eyes widened in fear. "Guys, it's me! Bruce!"

"Prove it!" Harley said. "Take off your clothes!"

Bruce stared at her. "What would that prove?"

Harley shrugged, "Nothing. I just think chasing you would be funnier if you were naked."

Jack fired a boxing glove at Bruce and barely missed. Bruce screamed in fear and started running away, the two psychopaths chasing him.

 **LATER, AT CITY HALL...**

"Where's Master Bruce?" Alfred asked to Jonny and Ivy, almost ready for his mayoral speech in front of a swarm of reporters and concerned citizens. "This entire conference is pointless without him."

Ivy shrugged, "I don't know. I told the others to call us if they found him or Bruce-2, but they haven't called back."

"Hey," Jonny said. "Is that Penguin and Barnes?"

With sly smirks on their faces, Penguin and Captain Barnes walked up to Alfred with their hands behind their backs, and Captain Barnes had a giant blonde afro on his head, which he's flaunting proudly. The kids stared at his hair for a while and then decided it was best not to comment.

"I should have known." Alfred sighed. "What did you two do with Master Bruce?"

Penguin grinned, " _We_ didn't do anything."

"WE'RE JUST HERE TO WISH YOU GOOD LUCK." Barnes sneered, and the two disappeared back into the audience.

Alfred shook his head and stepped onto the podium to make his speech. The audience quieted down and Alfred started, but before he could get a word in, Sean and Selina came bursting into the hall. Selina yelled, "Alfred! Bruce-2 knocked us out and used some weird gun to make Bruce's hair look exactly like his!"

A few seconds after that, Bruce ran in through the door, chased by Jack and Harley, firing boxing gloves wildly. They stopped when they saw Alfred. Finally, Bruce-2 walked through the door, and everyone stared confusedly at each other.

"That's Bruce-2!" Bruce-2 yelled, pointing at Bruce. "Get him!"

"No, _that's_ Bruce-2!" Bruce yelled.

"How do we know which one is the real Bruce?" Ivy asked.

"I know!" Selina grinned. "I just remembered, the real Bruce has a birthmark on his butt!"

"Really?" Jack asked.

Selina nodded, "I've spent a lot of time looking at Bruce's butt. I'll just take them into the back and check."

Bruce-2's hand shot up and he sighed, "I'm Bruce-2. Sorry, but I'm not ready to take a relationship there yet."

Selina shrugged, "That was easy." She then lunged to the side to avoid being punched in the face by him.

Bruce jumped in and tried kicking him, but Bruce-2 grabbed his leg and threw him into a wooden table, shattering it into pieces. Alfred came down and punched Bruce-2 in the face, but Bruce-2 returned the punch and knocked Alfred backwards through several chairs.

As the crowd began to run away, Sean took out his staff and Jack cocked his gun, the two of them running towards the clone. When Sean brought his staff down, Bruce-2 caught it, but Sean brought his leg up and kicked him in the stomach. While he staggered backwards, Jack fired a boxing glove into his chest and into his face. While he was down, Alfred grabbed him by the neck of his shirt and held him against a wall with his feet dangling above the ground. Bruce-2 kicked him in the stomach and turned around to hold Alfred against the wall by his neck when Jonny threw a gas bomb down, and Bruce-2 staggered backwards.

Harley kicked him in the side, sending him straight to Selina, who caught him around the waist with her whip and kicked him in the face. Sean used his staff to jump off the wall and tackle Bruce-2. Jack caught him by the arm and elbowed the back of his head, and Ivy stepped forward to kick him in the groin. Finally, Bruce grabbed his doppelganger by the shoulder and punched him in the face, knocking him unconscious.

"There." Selina said. "He's good. I wonder who trained him."

"It doesn't matter." Alfred said. "He's going to jail where he belongs. And Master Bruce, you're getting a haircut." He turned around and walked away.

"Hey, Bruce?" Selina asked. "If that gun made your hair grow, did _all_ of your hair grow?"

Bruce looked down his shirt and saw a few chest hairs there. He then checked under his arms. Selina pulled on the front of his waistband and looked down his pants and grinned happily.

 **MEANWHILE, FIVE MINUTES LATER...**

"Hello Mr. Cobblepot and Captain Barnes," said a woman dressed in a white dress, a feathery owl mask covering her face. "I'd like a word."

"I'LL GIVE YOU TWO!" Barnes yelled. "F*CK OFF! SORRY, I'VE JUST ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT, GO ON."

The woman sighed, "My name is Kathryn. I'm a representative from the Court of Owls."

"Court of Owls?" Penguin snorted. "What a dumb name. Isn't it, Nathaniel?"

"IT IS, PENGUIN!"

Kathryn shook her head, "Anyway, we have use for that clone of Bruce Wayne that the two of you have. We'll be handling everything, and in return, the Court will be in debt to you."

Penguin shrugged, "Okay. But why do you need a Bruce clone?"

Kathryn smirked, "Dark times are coming, Mr. Cobblepot. Dark times, indeed."


	110. (DFT) Ask Ed

**First day of the 12 DFTs of Christmas leading up to the big Christmas chapter!**

Hey, guys! It's me, Edward Nygma. On my ongoing quest to answer all the riddles of the universe, I've started a new radio show where I answer you guys' questions. We already have a bunch of callers, so let's get this started! Caller Number One, you're live.

 _Hi, Ed. I don't know what to do. I'm barely getting on with the salary I have, and when I asked my boss for a raise, he just laughed at me! What should I do?_

Okay, it sounds to me that you have two options. One – you go back, look your boss in the eye, and demand that raise. I know it's terrifying, but instead of just thinking about the worst-case scenario, you have to weigh it with the best. Think about what could happen if you get what you want and how happy you'll be. Remember, just have courage and all of us at Ask Ed are with you! Next caller, please?

 _Hey, Ed. There's a guy that works for me that keeps asking for a raise even though I keep saying no. What do I do?_

Ugh, I hate persistent workers. Just tell him to f*ck off.

 _Hi, Ed. I'm a thirteen-year-old boy and I live with a girl that I really like, but I don't know how to tell her. I know she likes me because she, like... spanks me sometimes, but I just can't tell her. What should I do?_

So it sounds to me like you just need an extra boost of confidence. Now, I want you to close your eyes and listen to me. Do you like this girl? Does she like you? Will something good happen if you tell her? Will something bad happen if you don't? If you answered yes to all of these, then there's really no reason for you not to do it. See, the only reason that we're nervous about these things is-

 **Heyyyy, Sean!**

 _Selina? How did you get on here?_

 **Duh, we've hacked the radio station a million times.**

Street trash girl? Get off my radio show!

 **So Sean, do you really like me?**

 _Uhh... yeah, I do. I mean, I don't know if-_

 **Aww, I love you too! Tell you what – I'll get a special surprise ready for you when you get home!**

Would you two like a little privacy?

 **We sure would, Ed!**

THEN GET THE F*** OFF MY RADIO SHOW!

 **Ed, you can't cuss on live radio! There are kids listening!**

Ugh, finally, I've cut that brat's frequency. Now we can get back to the radio show. Okay, Caller Number Four, you're live on the air!

 ** _Ed, this is Nathaniel Barnes! You're under arrest!_**

 ****Barnes? How did you find me?! This radio show should be impossible to trace!

 ** _Selina was the one who hacked you for us! In return, we gave her a pair of handcuffs. I don't know what she's going to do with them, but..._**

 **** _Ohhh... Selina, that feels so good... but where did you get these handcuffs from?_

Sean, we can hear whatever Selina's doing to you.

 **Sorry, my bad!**


	111. (DFT) How to be your Favorite Characters

**How to be your favourite Gotham characters:** By Ivy Pepper

 **How to be Selina Kyle:**

Curl your hair up to the point where you have zero peripheral vision and wear so much leather that your nipples rub off.

Live on the streets for a while. This may or may not involve robbing criminals, kicking ass, and wearing pants so tight that some would see it as a cry for help.

Live in a mansion and be so innocent that you sleep with the neighborhood kittens yet so sexual that Bruce Wayne involuntarily makes cat noises when he masturbates.

 **How to be Bruce Wayne:**

Be rich.

Be pretty.

Hang out in dark alleys with your parents.

 **How to be Jerome:**

Uncharacteristically spend a lot of careful time and attention on your hair so that it stands up like a stereotypical ginger twelve-year-old.

Laugh so much that you're recommended to stop by your doctor to prevent facial arthritis.

Kill like... a _lot_ of people.

 **How to be Barbara Kean:**

Repeat steps for Jerome, but add feminist undertones by beating the sh*t out of men every other scene.

 **How to be Jim Gordon:**

Get facial reconstruction surgery so that your resting face is an angry scowl, and your happy face is a happy-looking scowl.

Go through an emo phase (for instructions, see 'How to be Selina Kyle')

Throw temper tantrums involving guns and be an asshole to anything you can't f*ck. (It's sad what an accurate description of Jim Gordon that is.)

 **How to be Sean Ornelas:**

Find a way to go through puberty three times.

Be so innocent that you have trouble being shirtless around your friends at the beach yet so sexual that your girlfriend secretly keeps audio of you masturbating.

Lie about being a virgin.


	112. (DFT) Jack and Ivy go for a Walk

"Why did we get stuck with baby duty?" Jack asked.

"I dunno, let's just get this over with. Where do you want to take him?" said Ivy.

As she pushed Baby Richard's stroller along the street, Jack walked beside her holding a street map of Gotham. Alfred had instructed them to take the baby out for a little air and all the other kids were busy. As Ivy turned the corner, she saw Jim and Bullock walking towards them.

"Hey, Ivy." Jim said. "You guys shouldn't be hanging around here. There's a criminal on the loose."

"Oh, don't worry about it." Ivy said. "He's helping me walk the baby."

Jack sneered, "Oh ha-ha. Don't worry about us, Jimbo. I brought a weapon." Jack pulled his hand out of his pocket and revealed a joy buzzer on his hand.

Bullock laughed, "Ha! How's a tiny toy joy buzzer going to do anything?"

"Oh, you'll see."

Jim sighed, "Whatever the case, Mr. Freeze is on the loose, and it's not safe around here."

"We can take care of ourselves, Jimmy." Ivy said, and continued pushing the stroller along the street, Jack following behind her.

"Can you believe those two?" Jack sneered. "We're not in any danger. I've been around this street a million-"

Then, Mr. Freeze jumped out from behind a corner and froze the two kids and the baby in a block of ice.

* * *

When Jack and Ivy thawed out, they were being held to the roof by chains on their wrists. They were in an abandoned warehouse, and Mr. Freeze was working on what looked like a giant canon across the room. They also saw Richard frozen in a block of ice.

"Hey, Freeze!" Ivy yelled. "What are you doing?!"

Mr. Freeze grinned, "What does it look like, dummy? I'm holding you hostage!"

"You wanna chain a little girl to a wall, you pedo?"

"What? N-No! I'm not that kind of criminal!"

"Yeah, you can say whatever you want."

"No, I swear! I-I'd never-"

"Yeah, whatever, pal."

"GAH!" Mr. Freeze yelled. "Anyway, allow me to tell you my evil plan. I have used the technology from my freeze gun and created a gigantic version! I will now aim my giant freeze gun at the Gotham satellite so it reflects back to earth and sends this city into eternal winter!"

"But why?!" Jack yelled.

"You're expecting a reasonable motive from a Gotham City villain?"

"Good point."

Mr. Freeze grinned, "Once I don't need you kids to keep to cops out, I'll freeze your heads off. Now allow me to go into a completely separate room so I'd have no idea if you're planning to escape."

"Gotham villains are weird." Jack said as Mr. Freeze went into another room to look for tools.

Ivy sighed, "We've got to get out of here."

Jack growled, "No duh, Brainiac. How do you think we're going to... what is that?"

He turned to find a green vine snaking its way up from the ground and picking the lock on Ivy's chain. Soon, Ivy's chains were opened and she was lowered onto the ground by her vines.

"Could you always do that?!" Jack gasped.

Ivy didn't say anything. Instead she grabbed the block of ice Richard was trapped in, stuck it in a nearby microwave, and then pressed the button until Richard was just thawed out, and then she pulled him out. Then, Ivy made a vine snake up from the floor and picked the lock on Jack's chains so he was freed.

"Now let's get out of here." Ivy said, before Mr. Freeze ran back in the room.

"Hey!" he yelled. "That's it!" he brought his freeze gun up and cackled, "Prepare to freeze!"

"Wait!" Jack grinned, holding out his hand. "Truce?"

Mr. Freeze stared at him, exasperated. "I can literally see the joy buzzer on your hand."

"Oh. Well then... don't kill us?"

"I'm too old for this." Ivy sighed, waving her hand and making a bunch of vines burst out of the ground and attack Freeze, tackling him against the wall while the two kids escaped with the baby.


	113. (DFT) Jim and Harvey's Runs

Jim Gordon and Harvey Bullock were in a police car together, going about with their daily rounds around the city to make sure it was crime-free. Bullock was eating his donuts, and Jim was on the lookout for criminals to bust.

"See anything yet?" Bullock asked.

Jim shook his head, "Nope, but I'm sure we'll get some action soon."

Bullock sighed and looked up from his donuts. "Hey look, a little kid is spray-painting a house."

Jim shrugged, "Eh, she's a little kid. Let her go."

Bullock nodded and kept driving for a while. "Hey, that woman is littering."

Jim sighed, "Just let her go. Let's keep looking for a challenge."

Bullock nodded and kept driving. "Hey, look! Fish Mooney is in a giant robot suit and terrorizing the city with an army of lizard-people who breathe fire!"

Jim's eyes widened. "Umm... let's go back to the littering woman."

Bullock grinned, "We're such good cops."

"I know, right."

Suddenly, there was a cry for help, and Bullock turned as fast as he could in his police car to head to where that cry for help was coming from. When Jim jumped out, he was standing in front of an old lady who was trembling and sobbing.

"What's wrong, ma'am?" Jim asked.

The lady sobbed, "This woman in a hockey mask stole my purse!"

Then, Bullock knocked on the window of the car to get Jim's attention. When Jim looked back, Bullock said, "Hey Jim, this is a no loitering zone."

Jim sighed at the lady standing in front of him. "Ma'am, I'm afraid we're going to have to take you in."

The lady gasped, "You're arresting me?! But what about the person who stole my purse?!"

"You can tell us all about it in custody, ma'am." Jim growled, before slapping a pair of handcuffs on her and seating her in the back of the police car.

"You two are the worst cops ever!"

As Bullock and Jim kept driving down the street, still on the lookout for more criminals to bust, they soon found another. A black man in a car zoomed past them, several paces past the speed limit.

"Holy crap, that black guy is going past the speed limit! We have to pull him over!" Bullock yelled.

Jim scoffed, "Oh wow, Harvey. He's black and so you want to pull him over?"

"What? No! He was speeding! I only called him black so you'd know who I was-"

"You have no idea how racist you sound right now." Jim groaned.

"Okay, I'm sorry, but he was speeding! We have to pull him over!"

"You're worse than Hitler."

The two cops kept driving down the street for a little while when Jim suddenly got a call on his walky-talky from dispatch. A murder had happened at a pizza parlor downtown, and the two cops had to go down and investigate. Soon, they had driven across town and were walking into the parlor, where Detective Alvarez was setting up yellow tape around the bloody body of a man on the ground with his head chopped off.

"Ugh, what happened here?" Bullock asked.

Alvarez sighed, "Poor guy had his head chopped off with a chainsaw."

Jim nodded. "Well are there any witnesses?"

Alvarez nodded, "This guy named Alvin was the only other one inside. Poor man could barely hold himself together. Witnessing a crime can be very disturbing. I'll go get him."

Alvarez walked away, and Bullock knelt down to take a closer look at the victim. "Oh my god!"

"What is it?" Jim asked.

"He's wearing his liquor license on his lapel! That's great!"

Jim grinned, "Yeah! Now we have a clear identification and a place to start investigating without contaminating the crime scene!"

Bullock stood up, "No, I meant that this probably means that there's beer in the fridge!"

Alvarez walked back into the room, holding the hand of a tall man wearing a white hockey mask over his face and holding a bloody chainsaw. He was not disturbed by the crime at all. Alvarez sighed, "This is Alvin, the only other person in the room when the crime happened. Ask him anything you want, but don't be too hard on him. He's pretty shaken up."

Jim nodded at Alvin. "Did you see who killed this man?"

Alvin nodded. "I killed him."

Jim turned back to Bullock. "Huh, well he confessed. Still, I don't know if we can take his word for it." Jim turned to Alvin. "You're free to go until further notice."

Alvin then ran outside and started killing people with his chainsaw.

Bullock turned to Jim with a smile. "I wonder why so many crimes happen in Gotham?"

Jim shrugged, "I don't know, but one thing's for sure – we're the best cops ever!"


	114. (DFT) The One F-Word

Harley was walking over to Jack, who was sitting on the couch with his laptop open. Harley sat down next to him and grinned, "Hey, Mr. J. What'cha doing?"

Jack scrolled up and down on his laptop. "I'm looking at the community guidelines. There's some juicy stuff in here. Listen to this - _Use proper textual formatting. For example: using only capital letters in the story title, summary, or content is not only incorrect but also a disregard for the language itself._ Looks like someone was badly traumatized by the Caps Lock button at a young age."

Harley nodded. "You never know what kinda sh*t people go through. Hey, J? What does it say about swearing? I kinda want to be able to say _sh*t_ without being censored."

Jack looked around the site for a while, and then found a forum. "It says here that in a T-rated story, cursing is prohibited. We're not allowed to use a swear as an insult to someone else, and we're only allowed to use the F-word once! Harley, do you know what this means?!"

"So we can only say _fu-"_

"Shut up, you dumb hoe!" Jack yelled, jumping on her and clasping his hand on her mouth. "If we can only say the F-word once, then we can't waste this opportunity! We have to come up with a totally awesome scenario to use it in!"

"Okay, but... what scenario?"

* * *

"Okay, what are we doing again?" Penguin asked. He was standing in the middle of an open field holding a knife-umbrella in his hand, with Jim Gordon next to him. Standing behind each of them were the rest of the citizens of Gotham.

Jack groaned, "I've told you a million times! This is the ultimate battle. Gotham city has been reduced to ashes, everything that you loved is gone, and we're faced with the ultimate battle. All of the heroes that have fought so hard for nothing are taking one final stand against the evil that's been plaguing this city for too long. Only one side is walking out alive. As Jim Gordon and Oswald Cobblepot standoff in their final confrontation, both out for blood, Penguin gets the upper hand. Bloody and beaten, Jim Gordon's life is slipping away under Penguin's foot as he's about to drive his umbrella through Jim's heart when Jim utters his final words – _go F yourself."_

Jim frowned, "Why did you say F instead of fu-"

"SAVE IT FOR THE SCENE!" Jack yelled. "We can only use it ONCE in this entire story, so it has to be absolutely perfect!" As Harley sat beside him filming the entire thing, he yelled action, and all the citizens of Gotham burst into their ultimate standoff.

It was the good guys vs. the bad guys. The two sides ran at each other before bursting into combat. Barbara lunged at Lee with a knife and the two wrestled on the ground. Bullock dove under a table to avoid the fire of the evil Barnes' machine gun before taking out his own gun. Jerome and Bruce were locked in hand-to-hand combat as Bruce unveiled a bat-shaped shuriken from his pocket. Alfred wrestled Ed against a wall with a hand on his throat as Ed laughed, ready to reveal his master plan. Finally, Jim Gordon and Penguin met in the middle of the battlefield, staring each other down.

"It ends here, Penguin." Jim growled.

"I agree." Penguin snarled, running at the detective and swinging his razor umbrella. Jim dodged the attack and punched Penguin across the face. Another punch went to Penguin's stomach, and then a blow to his throat. Jim grabbed Penguin's lapel and pulled him close so they were face-to-face.

"I'm not letting you take anything from me ever again." Jim snarled.

Jim didn't see Penguin pull out a knife and stab him in the thigh. Jim lurched back in pain, and Penguin kicked him in the stomach, sending him to the ground. Soon, Penguin picked up his razor umbrella and put his left leg on Jim's chest.

"Any last words?" Penguin grinned, holding the razors just above Jim's throat. Jim didn't have much time left. Barbara was holding a knife to Lee's throat. Jerome was choking the life out of Bruce. Captain Barnes inched closer as Bullock clutched the gunshot wound in his stomach. The good guys were losing.

With one final breath, Jim looked up at his arch nemesis with a stone-cold face and said, "Go fu-"

"WAIT!" Harley yelled suddenly, making everyone in the scene freeze.

"Holy crap, we were in the middle of an epic scene! What happened?!" Jack asked.

"I have to get my water bottle!" Harley grinned, standing up.

Jack sighed, "Seriously?"

"This can't be the best scene ever if I'm thirsty."

Jack slapped his forehead multiple times. "Just... ugh, just hurry up."

Harley nodded and skipped away towards the park bench. Unfortunately, one of her shoelaces was untied, and she stepped on it. She yelped and fell onto the grass with a panicked, "Oh fuck!"

"NOOOOO!" Jack screamed, dropping to his knees and bawling on the ground. "MY ONE F-WORD – GONE! WHYYYYY?!"

One at a time, the citizens of Gotham came up and patted Jack's back in condolence while he sobbed on the ground.

After everyone had gone, Harley walked up to him and said, "Gee, I'm so sorry, Mr. J."

Jack sniffled, "It's okay. This story was never meant to be edgy anyway."

Harley nodded. "True. Wanna tie me up and spank me?"

"Later. Penguin just murdered a school bus full of children, so I have to be at the police station to see Bullock smoke all the weed and get high."


	115. (DFT) Sean Reacts 2

Hey guys, it's me again, Sean. Here at the mansion, we've gotten a lot of requests for me to sit down with you all again and react to some reviews. We've gotten a lot more reviews since the first time we did this, so let's see what else you guys have to say.

From Guest: _I have to say that Sean is still very hot wearing tight jeans and curls like ohhh. Good Halloween Chapter Mate._

Oh... thanks. Not sure I needed to hear your sexual moaning in my head, but still... thanks.

From Guest: _How the hell did Selina forget to turn off the radio!? lol it was still pretty funny with the handcuffs!_

Thanks. There's been some speculation recently about what she was doing to me, so I guess I'll stoke the fires a bit. The handcuffs were not around my wrists.

From Guest: _Wow Bruce's double has arrived! Sean should be a model cause he's too hot for everyone in Gotham to see when the whole worlds need to know how hot he looks!_

Yeah, Selina's told me to get into modelling a few times. I told her that I was never going to model by myself because come on – I'm just never going to. So she convinced me to get a couples modelling job and we booked a gig for a teen's magazine. I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans waiting for her to show up, and then she comes out of the dressing room wearing a tight rubber catsuit and holding a whip. She starts pole dancing and waiting for the photographer to show up, and then I got out of it because I was a minor and couldn't be photographed with an erection.

From Guest: _So are you ever going to reveal how big Sean's d*ck is? My bet's on over 7 inches!_

So... there's no way for me to know who's reading my stories and what kind of demographic it reaches, but I'm begging that you guys are teenagers.

From Guest: _Oh oh oh! I got a question for Sean. Okay so if you don't like always being naked then why did you let the girls body paint you naked like or were you just wearing a speedo or underwear and Harley picked up the back of it for enough time to paint something on it and then give your a booty a little spank and say "Hot booty Sean" before she let go of the speedo leading it to smack you in the butt?_

 _Also did the girls trick you into letting them body paint you or did you just happen to be asleep and they had already took your cloths off?_

*Eyes widened* Well that was scarily specific. To... somewhat answer your question... Selina asked if she could write her name on my chest, and then once my clothes were off, the others charged into the room and dragged me downstairs. And no, Harley did not do that. Although she did something similar to the front. Anyway, I think that's all the reviews I'll go through today. I'll see you guys next chapter!


	116. (DFT) Bruce's Workout Routine

**Bruce's Workout Routine:**

Hey guys, it's me, Bruce. So I've been training for a long time now in order to protect Gotham, and that involves a lot of physical, mental, and psychological training. It's been paying off according to Selina. Apparently, I have 'pecs' now, although Ivy calls them 'men boobs'. Anyway, here's my workout routine.

So when I wake up in the morning, I put on my sweats and then jog laps around the manor. It started with two per morning, and then it turned into more and more, and now it's up to six. During the laps, Selina is sitting by the pool in her bikini and inviting me to come in, so that constitutes as my psychological training. Also, Ivy is up all night caring for the plants in the garden, so if I step on them, she chases me down and kicks me in the groin. It hasn't happened too many times, but I suppose it's a necessary part of being in the field.

After that, I do a few reps of push-ups in my room, and then head down for breakfast. After breakfast, I head to the computer and do some research on forensics and detective work. I'm going through online police textbooks, but if you want to try it, there are a lot of good sites you can look at.

Usually while I'm doing that, Selina comes by and asks if I'm busy. I usually say yes, and she gradually takes off more and more of her clothes until I say I'm not busy anymore. Again – psychological training.

After research comes field analysis. Selina takes me to the city and we do some activities there. Sometimes, we'll climb bridges or rob criminals for experience. If I do something she doesn't like, she'll find a shoe or something, and I'll have to run away to avoid being spanked by her. She's beaten me every time so far, but as my training progresses, I'm sure that will change.

Finally, the last part of my daily training is subject to change. Half of the time, I'll train with Sean. He's really cool, but he trains with his shirt off a lot, and Selina interrupts our sessions a lot. If he's busy, then either Jonny or Jack will chase me around for exercise, or I'll ask Ivy for help and she'll introduce me to the field of using sexual appeal to my advantage by making me stand in front of Selina and doing various sexual tasks until she tells me how bad I am at it and just kisses me.

Everyone exercises at their own pace, and you don't need to follow my routine exactly. Just do what works for you!


	117. (DFT) The Extra Credit Squad

Harley woke up to a phone call while she was still in bed. Jack was sleeping in and didn't wake up, so Harley answered the phone. She found that it was one of her teachers, Ms. Waller.

"Hello, Harleen." said Ms. Waller. "I'm calling because you're failing one of your classes. You'll need to do an extra-credit assignment to catch up."

Harley gasped, "An assignment?! What do you mean?"

"You and a few other students who are also failing will be here at the school for the day doing a few tasks for me. Be here or fail the class."

"Ah, come on! What – are ya' the devil or somethin'?"

* * *

Later, in the main room of Ander's Prep, Harley had arrived and sat herself down. The other kids were there too, Floyd Lawton, Waylon Jones, Digger Harkness, Chato Santana, Tatsu Yamashiro, and Chris Weiss. Ms. Waller walked into the room with another boy their age.

"Hello, miscreants." Ms. Waller said. "Today you'll be going down to the science lab and finishing the chemistry labs you missed. You'll need to get some aprons from the storage closet. This is Rick. He's a community volunteer and he'll be keeping an eye on you. I've also given him the authority to fail you and make you repeat this class next year."

"Ms. Waller?" said Chris.

"Yes, Mr. Weiss?"

"I don't want to do this." He stood up and started to walk away, but then Rick pulled out his phone and pulled out all of the student's records. Before Chris could do anything, Rick had went to his student record and changed all of Chris' grades to F's.

"Have fun repeating this grade next year." Ms. Waller grinned, cackling evilly.

Floyd frowned, "That is a mean lady."

* * *

As Bruce walked into his bedroom after breakfast, he found Jack sitting on the ground in the middle of the room surrounded by his knife collection.

"What is this?" Bruce asked, weirded out and backing away a bit.

"Where is she?" Jack snarled, breathing heavily.

"Where did you get all these knives?"

"Where is she?"

"And how long did it take for you to arrange them all in a circle around yourself?"

"Where is she?"

"How do you plan on getting up? There are knives all around you and you're not wearing shoes. This is dangerous, dude."

"WHERE IS SHE?!"

Bruce gasped, "Oh yeah. Harley told me to tell you she was at school doing an extra-credit project with some friends."

Jack, exasperated, laid down in the middle of his circle of knives, laughing slowly and hysterically. He had just decided one thing for sure. His new mission was to get Harley back.

"Is that your new laugh?" Bruce asked. "What, are you choking on a squeak toy or something?"

* * *

Harley, Floyd, Digger, Tatsu, Chato, Waylon, and Rick were walking down the hallway to the storage closet to get their lab aprons. Harley leaned into Floyd and whispered, "Hey... wanna get outta here?"

"Yo, any'un got any beer?" Digger asked in an Australian accent.

"あんたってほんとバ."said Tatsu.

"Anyone understand 'er?" Digger asked.

"She says you're hot." Waylon chuckled.

"なぜあなたはワニのように見えますか？"asked Tatsu.

"It's actually kind of racist how we're all just stereotypes of our ethnicities." Chato said.

Soon, they had gotten their aprons and were in the science lab, where Ms. Waller was waiting for them. She was wearing a lab coat and was preparing for the chemistry lab. She saw the kids entering and taking their seats and turned around.

"You all made it." She said. "Good job, Rick."

Rick nodded happily.

"Frickin' boy scout." Floyd sneered.

Ms. Waller picked up one of the test tubes on the lab bench and said, "Okay, so for today's lab, you'll be using litmus paper to test the PH levels of-"

Suddenly, the door of the lab burst open, and everyone who was standing up was assaulted with water balloons and squirt guns. Ms. Waller and the kids had to hide behind a desk to avoid the incoming fire. It was Jack, laughing hysterically while two goons fired water guns.

"Mr. J! You came!" Harley grinned, jumping up and down, not afraid of the water. "Where'd you get henchmen?"

"It's Gotham! You can rent them online for three bucks an hour!" Jack laughed. "Let's get you out of here!"

As Harley started to walk towards Jack, Ms. Waller yelled, "Rick! Fail her!"

Rick turned on his phone and tried to access the student records, but it wasn't functioning. "I can't! The internet's disabled!"

Harley jumped into Jack's arms, and the two of them ran away while the goons kept the rest of the kids and Ms. Waller under fire.

Jack and Harley had gotten away and were running for the door when the two bumped into something and fell backwards onto the ground. When they looked up, they saw a very angry, middle-aged butler standing in their way.

 **Just so you know, I used Google Translate for the Japanese, so I apologize if it turned out terrible.**


	118. (DFT) Sean and Cat's M-Rated Chapter

Jim and Bullock were sitting in their desks across from each other at the GCPD when Sean and Selina suddenly walked in next to them. As they saw them walking towards them, Bullock whispered to Jim, "Psst, it's Cat and Sean."

"Maybe if we ignore them, they'll go away." Jim whispered back. "And if that fails, just tell them to go bother Barnes."

Selina and Sean skipped up until they were right next to Jim, and Jim didn't say a word.

"Hi!" Selina beamed.

Jim said nothing.

"Jim?"

Jim said nothing.

"Penguin and Valerie Vale are dating now."

"WHAT?!"

"I knew you could hear us!" Selina grinned. "Anyway, big news! This chapter is rated M, which means that there are now no restrictions on what we can say or do! We can do anything no matter how violent, graphic, or sexual!"

"Really?" Bullock grinned. "Because I've wanted to say some very M-rated things to Captain Barnes for a long time."

"Go ahead!" Sean beamed, and Bullock jumped up to run to Barnes' office and say some very crass things.

Jim sighed, "Okay, so what are you two planning to do on this M-rated chapter?"

"We're gonna go home and have sex!" Selina grinned.

Jim's eyes widened. "Alright. I know this is an M-rated chapter, but shouldn't you two wait a few years before having..."

"Having what?" Sean asked.

"You know." Jim said.

Selina shrugged, "This is an M-rated chapter. You can say it."

"I know, but I don't want to."

"We're gonna have seeeexx..." Selina sang, making Jim squirm in uncomfortableness. "Sean getting deep inside me, thrusting back and forth and back and forth and back and forth,"

"Selina?" Sean said. "Detective Gordon just fainted."

Selina looked down at Jim's limp body unconscious on his chair. She huffed, "Jim's no fun."

Bullock walked back out of Barnes' office, leading the bald police captain wide-eyed in shock. Bullock sat down at his desk with a wide smile and said, "That felt good. I'm gonna go call Penguin now and lay the hurt on him!" Bullock took out his cell phone and dialed Oswald. "So we can really say anything we want and not be censored?"

"Yep, no censors today!" Selina said. "Although our actions are vulnerable to scene transitions."

"Scene transitions?" asked Bullock while holding his phone up to his ear. "What do you mean by – oh, Oswald! I'm just calling you to tell you that your mother is a-"

"My mother is dead." Penguin said.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I swear, anything you need, I'm here for you."

"Yeah, just layin' the hurt on him, aren't you?" Selina sneered.

* * *

Soon, Selina and Sean had walked home and headed straight to their bedroom. With a laugh, Selina shut off the lights, and walked over to Sean lying on the bed. She kissed him and put her hands on his stomach, feeling his abs. Soon, her hands travelled down.

"Oh wow, Sean." she whispered with a smile, her eyes caught on his down-below. "It's so big."

"Thanks." Sean said, not used to such intimate compliments. "I like these bulky brass belt buckles, but other people say it makes me look like a cowboy. I'm glad you like it."

Selina nodded.

Sean's hands ran up and down her body. "Oh god, you're so wet."

"Well it's your fault." Selina laughed. "I mean, you're the one who made me fall in that puddle on the way home."

Selina slowly unzipped her leather jacket and threw it to the ground. Sean looked up and laughed, "Wow, those tits are beautiful."

Selina laughed and looked to the window on the wall above them, where a few yellow birds were perched on a tree. "Oh yeah, they are. I didn't think you'd know those birds are called Great Tits."

Sean shrugged, "I roomed with an ornithologist once."

Selina grinned, and slid down Sean's body, dragging her hands on him until she reached his area, opening her mouth and taking him into her.

"Agh! Oh god... Selina. Ahh... why did you bite my toe?" Sean asked.

"I'm running out of ways to troll the reader." Selina shrugged.

"Holy shit!" Jack yelled, his voice muffled by the wall between him and the couple. "If you're gonna fuck, just fuck already! Before something stupid like a scene transition ruins it!"

Sean and Selina both shrugged, and Selina sat up, straddling Sean under her and straddling his pleasure area before moaning in pleasure and sitting herself down on-

* * *

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"


	119. (DFT) The Secret Diaries of the Penguin

Dear Diary,

I have a confession to make. I think I'm in love with my best friend. I know Ed can be annoying and a little quirky sometimes, but deep down, he's kind and loving and I think the only person in the world that really cares about me. There's no choice. I have to tell him how I feel about him. But how?

To answer that question, I go to my friend Barbara. She says that she's an expert on relationships, seeing as how her previous relationships had all gone so well. This morning, I went down to Sirens where she and Tabitha Galavan were performing some very strange dominatrix roleplay onstage. I called her down, and Tabitha continued sexually arousing the audience while Barbara talked to me.

"Hey, Pengy." She grinned. "What goes on?"

"I need your help." I said. "How do I tell someone that I love them?"

Barbara shrugged. "Here – read this book. I learned everything I know about relationships from this book." She reached behind her desk and pulled out a boxed set of the 'Fifty Shades of Grey' trilogy. That explains a lot.

"I don't know if I'm looking for that kind of relationship." I replied.

"Suit yourself. So who's the lucky gal?"

"The lucky gal is... a guy. It's Ed."

Barbara was drinking something, and then proceeded to spit it out, eyes wide in shock for a second. She was silent for a while, and then said, "Yeah, okay."

"You're not going to make fun of me?"

"Pfft, no!" Barbara laughed. "I'm not homophobic. I'm a good role model for the kids!" Suddenly, a guy walked up behind her and tapped her shoulder, and she turned around to kick him in the groin and shoot him in the back twice until he was a dead body on the floor.

The door of Sirens opened, and we looked over to see Jim Gordon walking in towards us. He didn't look happy.

"Look! It's one of my exes coming back to beg for my love again." Barbara smirked.

Jim took out a gun, stood in front of Barbara, and shot one of her wine glasses, making it shatter into pieces all over the table. He snarled, "Aaron Helzinger broke out of Arkham yesterday. Where is he?"

Barbara turned back to me with a grin. "He's just pretending he's not into me."

Jim picked up another wine glass and tossed it across the room, shattering it against a wall. "Where's Helzinger?!"

Barbara sneered, "Okay, Jim. I'll tell you who broke him out if you answer one question for us. See – Pengy here has a crush on Nygma-"

"You're gay?" Jim asked.

I nodded a bit, "Yeah, I'd say so."

Jim frowned, "So two years ago, when you were inviting me to parties and offering help with my police work, were you..."

"I was very confused at that time." I replied.

Barbara sighed, "So Jim, how should Ozzy tell Eddie that he loves him?" She leaned in to me and whispered, "He's also a relationship expert. He learned everything he knows about romance from watching Dragon's Den!"

Jim thought for a while. "Well, I'd recommend getting work at the same place, and then making out in a locker room and taking him to the circus. Sure, your date will get ruined by a psychopath with mommy issues, but you'll get close really fast. I mean, there's of course a chance you'll get arrested, and he'll move out of Gotham and the next time you see him, he'll be smooching a new guy who's a doctor and is the son of a powerful crime lord who goes insane and you try to tell her that her boyfriend is a monster, but she just kicks you out of her wedding and you end up killing the guy-"

"The pronoun changed to feminine halfway through that." Barbara said. "Anyway, do you even know if Ed likes guys?"

I stuttered, "Oh, well, I- I never asked. I'm assuming because he-"

Jim opened his cell phone and dialed Ed, waiting for a while and then putting it on speaker phone.

"Hey, Ed." Jim said.

"Oh, hello, Jim." Ed replied. "Not sure why we have each other's numbers considering we hate each other, but..."

"Do you like guys?"

"Oh... nah, I think I'm pretty straight. Why?"

"Thanks." Jim said, hanging up on him. Well, that was depressing. I supposed Ed and I could continue being best friends. I mean, I wouldn't want to force my best friend into a relationship.

"We're such a good team." Barbara smirked, leaning into Jim.

Jim nodded, "You know what? We kind of are."

"Want to get back together?"

"Sure. I mean – no!"


	120. (DFT) Bullock's Love

Jim walked by Bullock's desk as he was reading something. As Jim came closer, he discovered that it was a romance novel with Fabio on the cover riding a horse. Bullock was locked in focus, sighing dreamily and grinning like an idiot.

"Harv? Harv." Jim said, snapping in front of his face trying to get his attention. "Harv!" Jim took out his gun and shot a hole through the book, and Bullock finally looked up in shock.

"What happened? Who invaded the station? It was Zsasz again, wasn't it? Argh! I told security not to let bald guys in here!"

"But our captain is bald."

"That's a sacrifice that I'm willing to make for our security."

Jim picked up Bullock's romance novel. "Wow. You're looking for a little romance, huh?"

Bullock sighed. "I don't know. My life has just been stuck in a rut lately and I guess I'm just looking for something different. I guess that..."

Bullock froze, and Jim looked over to where his eyes were focused. Across the precinct, he saw a woman with blonde hair and a blue coat standing around and waiting for someone. Bullock was mesmerized. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. The whole time he was staring, he was just thinking one thing...

* * *

 _Hello,_

 _It's me_

 _I just saw you from across the room_

 _And you're just my cup of tea._

 _My friend Jim_

 _Is a meanie_

 _We don't ever have to tell him,_

 _I'll just skip my shifts, tee-hee._

 _Hello,_

 _You know,_

 _I once beat the crap out of Cobblepot_

 _And arrested Flamingo_

 _I hope_

 _You like me_

 _And you don't see me staring from over here_

 _Oh sh*t, she looked at me._

 _There's such a difference_

 _Between us_

 _You're like standing across the room._

 _Hello from the other side_

 _I pray to god that you like guys_

 _Cuz lesbians are cool and_

 _I'm friends with a few_

 _But I was hoping you love me_

 _Cuz I love you too._

 _Hello from the Gotham side_

 _I punched Jim's face a thousand times_

 _And I have my own place_

 _With a TV and bed_

 _So I hope you love me_

 _Don't see Jim instead_

 _Hello... (All rights go to Adele)_

* * *

As Captain Barnes walked by, seeing Bullock staring dreamily at the woman standing across the room, he looked at Jim and growled, "WHY THE HELL IS HE STARING AT MY SISTER?"

Bullock then woke up and promptly vomited over the railing he was leaning against.


	121. (DFT) A Christmas Story with Jervis

One Christmas morning in Arkham Asylum, Jim and Bullock requested a meeting with one of the inmates. As they walked into the prepared interrogation room, they came face-to-face with the notorious criminal, Jervis Tetch, AKA. Mad Hatter.

"Okay, who the f*ck gave him a Santa hat?" Bullock yelled up to the security cameras.

Jervis sat there in his red Santa Claus hat and prison uniform with a grin on his face. "Ah, Harvey! Jim! I see you've dropped by. But do I detect a tinge of anger in your eye?"

Bullock whispered to Jim, "And how the hell does he talk in rhyme like that? I mean, he _has_ to plan these out before, right?"

Jim sighed, "So Tetch, the Tweed brothers were spotted shooting up a mall yesterday. Do you have any idea why-"

Jervis pulled out a small picture book from under the table he was sitting at and opened it to the first page. "Now, sit – sit! You boys in blue, while I tell a tale that is one hundred-percent true."

"How the hell did you smuggle a book in here?" Jim asked.

Jervis grinned, "This is the tale of seven kids if you'd like to hear it; about how they and their butler found their Christmas spirit."

* * *

T'was the day of Christmas, and all through Wayne Manor,

Selina had taken to being the party planner.

"We'll need tinsel and presents and lots of fun toys!

Let's break in Alfred's credit card – oh joy!"

Bruce was so excited that he nearly fell,

And the kids were inviting everyone else as well,

But their plans could be ruined by one naughty boy,

For Alfred hardly had any Christmas joy.

"It's all commercial," he said with a sigh,

"There's no point to gifts and holiday pie!"

The kids ignored the resident holiday Scrooge

And went into town to give everyone the news.

First, they went to the GCPD

Where Jim was working with no Christmas glee.

"Hey, Jim!" said Ivy, "We have exciting news!

We're throwing a Christmas party – Bullock's invited too!"

"Go to a party?" Bullock said with a sneer,

"I'd rather have Jim shove his gun up my rear."

"Sorry, kids," Jim shrugged, "But we have work to do.

There's no time to go and hang out with you!"

Next, the kids went to Sirens: the club,

To see if Babs wanted to spread any Christmas love.

"Will Jim Gordon be there?" she asked with a sigh.

"If yes – I'd love to! If no – goodbye."

Unfortunately, Cobblepot replied 'no' too.

"Crooks like me don't party with kids like you!"

"Yeah, sorry," Babs said. "We're all gonna pass.

But that might change if you have Jim's yummy ass!"

After, they went to the nearest store

To get presents and streamers and toys and more.

Unfortunately, Firefly was there

On a mission to burn down the whole city square.

So the kids returned home, feeling sad that they failed.

"It looks like our party plan ship has sailed."

"Don't be so glum!" said their friend Cat.

"We can still have a party without all of that!

Even though our party will be small,

We'll all be together – that's important overall!"

"You know what? Cat's right!" said Bruce with a smile.

"We need to look past the glamour once in a while.

Who cares if we don't have presents and toys?!

A family together – that's holiday joy!"

And so they went to their room and sat on the floor

And played games and told stories until they had no more

A small collection of outsiders, criminals, and freaks

All felt at home as they gorged on their feast.

Then, Alfred walked in and suddenly froze

As he saw the kids, none acting like foes.

Quietly, the butler slipped out of the fun

And closed his eyes to think about what he'd done.

When he was a child, his father looked on him with hate

And never allowed him to have fun or celebrate.

He never had presents from family or friends.

He stayed in his room not wanting to offend.

But perhaps he never needed presents to have a good time,

Perhaps Christmas couldn't be bought with quarters and dimes.

As Alfred thought about what he'd just seen,

He suddenly realized what Christmas really means.

In their room, as the kids danced with flair,

Jack heard a noise coming from downstairs.

As the kids descended, their weapons in hand,

They were surprised so badly that they could barely stand.

It was Barbara and Penguin and the GCPD

With cake and streamers and a big Christmas tree!

They were celebrating and eating and spreading delight,

And none of the criminals were starting a fight.

"How did this happen?!" Cat asked in shock,

"The last time we saw you, you hardly even talked!"

Barbara smiled near Jim, acting invasive,

"Your butler Alfred is very persuasive."

Alfred smiled at the kids, walking down to the floor,

"I saw you kids celebrating Christmas before.

You reminded me what Christmas was really about,

So I called up the others and gave them a shout."

"You kids were right." Tabitha said, in a black suit of leather,

"Christmas is a time for being together."

"And look!" said Penguin. "Butch is right next to me,

And I don't even want to make him eat his own kidney!"

As the kids looked on and Penguin started rapping,

They looked up at the man who made it all happen.

"We love you," they said, and Alfred sighed with a shrug,

"I love you all too," and they all shared a hug.

* * *

Jervis closed his story book and gave the cover a little pat, grinning at the two cops, "Now that I'm assuming your hearts are no longer cold, was that not an amazing story I told?"

Unfortunately, the two cops were lying on the ground, leaning against each other, and were fast asleep. Bullock was the first one to suddenly jolt awake and woke up his partner. Bullock sighed, "Well, for the time that we wasted, I'm sure we'll be fired. But how did you know all the events that transpired?"

"Harvey, why are you talking in rhyme?" Jim asked. "Attempting this gimmick is just a waste of ti- it's pointless."

Bullock gasped, "Oh no, he's got me doing it now. I've got to go!"

Bullock ran out of the interrogation room, and Jim glared at Jervis. "This isn't over; we haven't been beat! We'll get you talking the next time we meet. Gah!"

As Jim and Bullock ran out of the interrogation room, Jervis sat in his place, his red Santa hat dangling on his head. He waited for a long time, and then started quietly laughing, which turned into insane cackling as he drummed his fingers on the gun that he stole from Jim while he was asleep.

 **Merry Christmas, everybody! From all the kids at Wayne Manor and the citizens of Gotham!**


	122. Happy New Years!

**Hey guys! I'm posting this on a Saturday and not a Sunday, so I don't know if everyone's going to read this today, but I just had to do something for New Year's. Anyway, being that I just did a big holiday chapter, it'd be pretty redundant to do another celebration chapter right after, so I thought I'd share some things that I cut out because the chapters were too long or I didn't think it was funny enough or it was pushing the T-rating or whatever. This first one is from 'Ask Ed'.**

Cat: Hey, Ed. Want to hear a riddle?

Ed: Ugh, what is it, you little miscreant?

Cat: Riddle me this – what has nine lives and two virginities?

Ed: What?

Cat: Me!

Ed: Ha, ha, very clev- Wait... how do you have two virginities?

Cat: I took Bruce's and Sean's.

Ed: WHAT THE F-

* * *

 **This is an alternate prologue to the last Christmas chapter:**

Jim and Bullock walked into the cell of Arkham Asylum where Jervis Tetch was sitting at a table wearing a red Santa Claus hat dangling on his head. For some reason, he had his hands over his eyes and his elbows on the table.

"Hello, Jervis." Jim said.

"I'm sorry if this news causes you malice, but I refuse to talk to anyone but my dear sister Alice!" Jervis said, still covering his eyes.

Bullock sighed, "Yeah, sorry about this, but your sister is kind of dead. Thanks, Jim."

"It's not my fault if you haven't missed her, but I will talk to no one but my dear sister!"

Bullock shook his head, "Well how are we supposed to interrogate him now?"

Jim thought for a little while and then turned to look at Bullock with a wide grin.

Bullock sighed, "No. No! I know what you're thinking! You just want me to cross-dress in an Alice costume to get Jervis to talk to us! But it won't work this time, Jim! I'm not getting in another dress! I don't care if we get fired! You are not getting me into another dress!"

 **TWO HOURS LATER...**

Bullock angrily walked back into the interrogation room of Arkham wearing a blue dress as Jim walked beside him.

Bullock growled, "How the f*** did you even have this dress?"

"Even before she went crazy, Barbara was into some pretty freaky roleplay." Jim said.

* * *

 **This is from Chapter 86, the chapter when Sean and Selina were having a surfing contest on the beach, and was narrated by Sean.**

I decided to go practise on my own away from the two girls. I couldn't really practise with them distracting me. I found a place away from them on the sand and put my surfboard on the ground. I started with a handstand and started counting backwards from sixty to see how long I could hold it.

Unfortunately, near the thirty second mark, I heard the two girls chattering from across the sand.

"Look at his abs upside-down." Harley said. "Ohh mama."

"You like them now, wait until you taste them." Said Selina.

"Who do you like making out with more – him or Bruce?"

"I don't know. Bruce has a bigger mouth, but Sean has a bigger... everything else."

" _Everything_ else?"

"Everything else."

Suddenly, I lost my balance and fell over face down into the ocean.

 **Oh, that reminds me. There's a person who's asked me three times about the size of Sean's penis. Umm... I got a PM once from a person who wrote me a sex scene (you meet some fun people on this site) and they said 6 inches, so let's go with that...?**

* * *

And here's a few ones I left out from 'How to be your Favourite Characters':

How to be Captain Barnes:

Follow a daily training schedule in which you get as angry as you possibly can for an hour to make veins in your forehead bulge out. Recommended methods include following American politics and building houses of cards with a cat in the room.

Shave your head. A trickier but more effective alternate step is to become so angry that all your hair falls out. Elementary school soccer games are a recommended method.

Surround yourself with people dumber than you. Shouldn't be too hard.

* * *

 **And finally, something from chapter 87 narrated by Cat spying on Bruce that was pushing the T-rating, so fair warning.**

The young cat burglar, hiding in the air vents in the bathroom, is spying on young Bruce Wayne as he's getting ready. Bruce has his hair gel, toothbrush, and lotion, and Selina is ready to record it all on her video camera while providing a commentary in her impression of Bruce's voice.

"Hi, I'm Bruce Wayne and this is my morning routine. First, I wake up and brush my teeth with my special billionaire toothbrush made of solid gold. I brush in little circles so my billionaire teeth will be shiny and white all day. Then, I put on some male make-up to make sure I'm super cute for my kitty, Selina. After I'm done, I start on my hair. I squirt a little hair gel in my hands and start on my hair. And I'm still doing my hair, making sure that I look really super cute today. And I'm still gelling my hair. Wow, this is taking a while. Finally, I'm done! Now my pants are coming off. I hold my you-know-what in my hand and stroke back and- oh... I see. Okay, my eyes are closed and I'm saying something."

Selina listens closely as Bruce moans, "Ohh... Selina,"

"Aww..." she grins, and sneaks back to give him some privacy.

* * *

 **Happy New Year! Also, big news! Well, not that big really, but you guys should know. I'm changing my name! I'll be going from 95 to... (drumroll)... The_Riddler95! Yeah, I know, I'm so creative, right? It's just that when I made my account, I was rushing to think of a good name, and so I used a period instead of an underscore, which has been bugging me ever since. I'll wait a few days so all of you can read this and know that this story hasn't switched authors or anything. I've got a lot of exciting things planned in 2017, including chapters involving Silver St. Cloud's return, Penguins vs. Evil Barnes, Sean Ornelas getting infected with Alice Tetch's virus, the kids vs. the Court of Owls, some more Bullock-narrated chapters, and a whole month dedicated to your requests! Hang onto your hats, folks – you ain't seen nothin' yet!**


	123. Drunk Food Fights with the Pennyworths

**Hey guys, happy new year! I haven't written a straight-up diary entry in a while, so I decided I'd go back to my roots for this one.**

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning and heard the doorbell ringing. I went to go and see who was at the door, and soon knew that today was going to involve a lot of alcohol.

"Alfie! It's good to see you!" yelled my brother, Wilfred. He was dressed in his usual attire of a bright red and blue suit and was carrying a suitcase. Behind him, I noticed my other brother, Hilfred, who was stumbling around the yard drunk like he always was, with stains on his brown suit.

I sighed, "Hello, Wilfred. If you could refrain from referring to me by my nickname, I'd appreciate it."

He giggled, "Aww, Alfred. Still as stiff as ever. So me and Hilfred came all the way from merry old England to Gotham on a business trip and we heard that you were in the butlering business at Wayne Manor, so we wanted to pay you a visit!"

"Whoa!" Hilfred yelled, drunkenly. "There's an ocean in your yard!"

"No, Hilfred! That's the pond!" I yelled, right before he fell in. Typical Hilfred.

Wilfred shrugged, "So anyway, I heard you were raising some kids."

Suddenly from behind me, I heard footsteps, and I turned to see Master Bruce coming down the stairs followed by the rest of the kids.

Wilfred laughed and nudged me with his shoulder, "Damn, how many do you have? Seven? Didn't know you were such a player."

"No, they're not mine, I- ugh." I sighed. "Kids, this is my brother Wilfred, and my other brother Hilfred is out in the-"

"Hey there, little humans!" Hilfred said as he stumbled through the doorway and promptly coughed and fell unconscious onto the floor of the living room.

"Don't worry about him. That happens a lot." Wilfred shrugged. "Anyway, I've brought some presents from your Uncle Wilfred!"

"PRESENTS!" Miss Kyle, Mister Kerr, and Miss Quinzel burst down from the stairs and skipped up to Wilfred, who opened his suitcase and pulled out a few boxes wrapped in bright wrapping paper. The three grabbed their boxes and ripped into them, throwing wrapping paper all over the floor.

Miss Quinzel was the first to open her box and held up her gift. "A pair of handcuffs? I've been needing more of these!"

Mister Kerr pulled a plastic bag out of his box that was filled with water and had a fish in it. "Whoa! This is an African Blowfish! It's one of the most poisonous creatures in the world! I love it!"

Miss Kyle pulled out a CD case and asked, "What's this?"

Wilfred grinned, " _That_ is a copy of an album that Alfred and his band released in the seventies! You thought you got rid of all of them, huh, Alfie?"

"Wow, thanks, Uncle Wilfred!" all three of them cheered.

Hilfred suddenly woke up, sat up, looked around, and gasped, "Wow, are we at Buckingham Palace? Wow, look! It's Michelle Pfeiffer! I loved your performance in Ratman Beturns!" he grinned, pointing at Miss Kyle, and he then fainted again.

After my brothers had made themselves at home, it became apparent that they were going to be staying for the day. Hilfred made himself quite at home in our wine cellar, and Wilfred was playing with the kids up in their room. When I came up to tell them that lunch was ready, I found Miss Kyle, Master Bruce, Miss Quinzel, and Mister Kerr sitting on the carpet while Wilfred told them stories.

"What are you doing in Gotham, Uncle Wilfred?" Master Bruce asked.

Wilfred laughed, "I'm the president of my own catering company, and I'm here in Gotham to do some business deals with Wayne Enterprises. Alfie moved out of England to join the military, and we haven't seen him since! Then, when I found out that Alfie was Bruce Wayne's butler, Hilfred and I raced over here as fast as we could!"

"What was Alfred like as a kid?" Mister Kerr asked.

"Oh, he hasn't changed a bit. He used to always be the teacher's pet. Except now, he doesn't have that mullet anymore. Or the stuffed elephant. Or that girlfriend that always used to follow him around and give him wedgies-"

"Okay, that's enough of that." I said. "Lunch is ready. I trust you'll be on your way after that, Wilfred."

He jumped up, "Ooh, time to go see if your cooking still tastes like burnt mushroom and cotton swab salad!"

"I've always thought that!" Miss Quinzel gasped, running after him.

After, I went down to the cellar to go find Hilfred. He looked like he was about to pass out on the floor, with Miss Pepper, Mister Crane, and Mister Ornelas sitting beside him with bottles in their hands.

"You let the kids drink?!" I gasped, running to grab the bottles out of their hands.

"It's a Ralph Morena 1875 from England – one of a kind." Hilfred smirked.

"Wow, Alfred, when did you grow so big?" Mister Ornelas smiled drunkenly, swaying back and forth and then collapsing on the ground.

"I see things more clearly than I ever have in my life." Mister Crane said, his eyes wide and red. "Free will does not exist."

I came up from the cellar to the dinner table in the kitchen, and I found Wilfred and the other _sober_ kids sitting at the dinner table, with their sandwiches on plates in front of them. The kids were eating their sandwiches nicely while Wilfred poked his sandwich.

"What does Alfie put in these?" he asked.

Master Bruce looked up and smiled, "A marinated beef and tuna melt with asparagus and lentils. It keeps your body strong."

Wilfred grimaced, "And you kids _like_ that?"

"No." Master Bruce whispered.

Wilfred grinned, picked up his sandwich, and threw it at Miss Kyle. She sneered back and picked up a slice of bread off the table to throw back. Pretty soon, my brother had instigated a food fight between himself and the four kids.

"Okay, that's enough!" I yelled, before being hit in the face with a bagel.

Soon, Hilfred had come up from the cellar, screaming at the top of his lungs, "TAKE COVER! I LEARNED EVERYTHING I KNOW FROM 'NAM!" He then picked up a glass of milk from the table and splashed it directly in my face. I tried my best to stand there with my dignity while the kids and my brothers went insane.

Finally, Wilfred stood beside me and grinned, "You've got some great kids here, Alfie. You did a great job."

"I appreciate it, Wilfred." I said.

He nodded. "Hilfred and I should be leaving soon. We'll be staying in Gotham for a few weeks, so if you ever need any help, he and I will come racing."

After they had their fun, Wilfred and Hilfred had to pack their bags. I won't detail the kids' teary goodbyes, but it was something to witness. After the two left the mansion, Miss Quinzel turned to me and asked, "So they're your brothers?"

"Yes, they are."

"Why did your mom feel the need to make her kids' names sound similar?" Mister Ornelas asked.

"I'm not quite sure."

"If you had a fourth brother, would his name be Palfred?" Miss Kyle asked.

"If one of you turns evil, will your villain name be Killfred?" Mister Crane said.

"I'm going to bed now." I said.


	124. Jim and Harvey On the Case (Part One)

**Hey, I really enjoyed writing that DFT about Jim and Bullock's rounds, and so I thought that format would be a fun way to introduce some new characters for an upcoming story arc! This is narrated by Jim, and the next part will be narrated by Bullock.**

Hey, Captain Barnes.

So you wanted our police reports for the day considering that we 'haven't been performing at optimum efficiency', so here you go. Our day started when Alvarez called us and said that we had a new case. Someone had robbed the Gotham City Bank, and we had to go down there.

There was police tape all put up around the doors. I had to meet Bullock there, who was eating his box of donuts.

"What do have today, Harv?" I asked.

He nodded. "Two hours ago, someone robbed the bank using a fake bomb. We don't really know who, but this same method was used to rob the Capital Bank downtown the other day. Whoever did this left us a clue."

He led me around the corner, where it was sprayed on the wall with green spray paint, "What do soaps, cell phones, and prisons all have in common?" and a bunch of green questions marks were sprayed around it.

"Well, maybe the answer to this riddle will give us a clue as to what the robber's next move is." Harvey said.

I nodded. "So what do gold, soaps, and prisons all have in common? I've got it! They all have bars!"

"Yeah!" Harvey said. "We should go to a bar!"

I stared at him, "Or... we could go to the Bank of Amnesty Royale downtown, which has 'BAR' as the first letter of each word. Maybe the robber is hitting there next."

"Or we can go to a bar." he said.

"We have to find this bank robber."

"We might find him at a bar."

"I think it's significantly more likely that he's at the Bank of Amnesty Royale."

"I want to go to a bar."

And so we got in our police cruiser and drove down to the nearest bar. The nearest one was a small, grey building near the square corner, called 'The Black Pot'. It was a hangout for criminals. Bullock was on the good side of the criminal underground. Me – not so much. It was okay. I brought my gun.

Bullock was the first to enter the bar. I walked in behind him. We saw Mr. Freeze, Firefly, Flamingo, and the rest of the villains at the tables having drinks, and Bullock went up to the front and said, "Give me two Apple Sangrias – ice cold."

"We don't have that." said the man at the front. "We have water and we have funny water."

"What's the difference?"

"You'll remember drinking the water."

"I'll have the water."

I took a seat while the bartender was getting our drinks when suddenly, I heard something. It was a familiar voice, and it was saying, "So have you heard about the bank robberies lately?"

I turned around, and sitting at one of the tables was Firefly, Mr. Freeze, and Selina Kyle. I went to go and hide behind the table to listen more closely to what they were saying. Mr. Freeze was the one talking about the bank robberies.

"They've hit almost every bank in Gotham by now." he said. "They're planning something big."

"Who are you talking about?" Selina asked.

"It's the Rogues gang." Firefly said. "They're the meanest gang around. They tore their way through Central City and they've settled in Gotham for a while to nest. Be careful with them."

Selina nodded. "What could they be planning?"

Mr. Freeze shrugged, "Who knows? Just stay out of their way."

"Aha!" I yelled, jumping out from my hiding spot. Mr. Freeze pointed his freeze gun at me, Firefly pointed her flamethrower, and Selina pointed her whip. I almost died, but the bartender at the front yelled, "Hey, no fighting!" they all then sadly put their weapons on the table.

"What are you doing here, Detective?" Mr. Freeze asked. "We're not talking about anything illegal!"

"Oh yeah?" I asked. "You're just in a bar getting drunk with a little girl?"

Mr. Freeze, Firefly, and Selina looked back and forth between each other, and Firefly sighed, "This wasn't weird until you made it weird."

"Tell me what's going on with the Rogues." I said.

Firefly grinned, "We don't have to tell you anything!" So I grabbed my gun, hit her in the head with it, and threw her over the table and into the wall, where she fell to the ground unconscious.

"Okay, fine, geez." Mr. Freeze said. "I don't know a lot, but Leonard Snart is their leader. I know because his dad is in my church group."

"You go to church?" Selina asked.

He nodded, "Oh yeah, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

"That explains those cases from earlier this week." I said.

 **EARLIER THAT WEEK...**

Mr. Freeze was going from house to house with pamphlets in his hand while people walked past him. He rung on the doorbell of a man in a blue shirt. When the door opened, Mr. Freeze smiled, "Hello, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and saviour, Jesus?"

"I don't have time for-" the man said, before Mr. Freeze whipped out his freeze gun and froze the man in a block of ice from the neck down so he couldn't move.

"So, what does it mean to accept the love of Jesus Christ? Well..."

 **BACK IN THE PRESENT...**

"Anyway," said Mr. Freeze. "No one knows anything for sure about the Rogues except for the people that work for them. If you want to know why they're robbing banks, go ask the one that's doing the job for them – Edward Nygma."

"Why is Nygma working for them?" I asked.

"Who do you think I am – f*cking Gandalf? I don't have all the answers. Figure them out yourself!"

Bullock walked up beside me and handed me a glass of water. "Okay Jim, let's go and check out this bank that's supposed to be- why is Mr. Freeze getting drinks with an underage girl?"

Mr. Freeze sighed, "Okay fine! Selina and I will go hang out at a playground, you sick-minded f*cks."

After the two left, Bullock shrugged, "Okay, what do we do now?"

"It seems like Nygma is working for a gang called the Rogues. We'll need to find him to get more information. Let's go and stake out that bank he was going to rob."


	125. Jim and Harvey On the Case (Part Two)

**Hey, sorry this is late, but I've been busy with exams and school. I will be posting this Sunday. Also, this upcoming February will be Request Month, so send me all of your requests and I'll do as many as I can! Along with a special Valentine's Day chapter that I think you guys are going to be excited about, and a crossover coming up!**

Hey, Cap.

It's me, Harvey, finishing up Jim's police report. So after our extremely important and vital information drop at that bar, Jim and I started to get over to that other bank that Nygma was going to rob. It looks like we got there just in time, because a bank robbery was already in progress.

People were running out of the bank, and we heard gunshots coming from inside. Jim got his gun ready and started to run inside, and I ran after him.

Boom-boom, shoot-shoot, we shot a lot of goons, and before we knew it, we had our guns pointed at Ed, who was knelt down beside the bank vault stuffing money into a bag.

"Hands up, Nygma!" Jim yelled. "You're going back to Arkham!"

Ed turned around with his hands up and grinned, "Ah, gentlemen, I see you've solved my riddle! So how about another? What kind of a balloon is blown up _after_ it has been used?"

"What?" I asked.

"An explosive one!" Ed laughed.

"That didn't make much sense." Jim said.

"Hey, _you_ try making these up on the fly. I'm constantly under a lot of pressure, you know!" Ed sighed. "So anyway, there's a bomb on the premises, and it will go off in five minutes unless I press this button which is specifically fitted to only my fingerprint." Ed held up a remote control with a big, red button on it. "So unless you let me walk out of here with my money, we're all going up in a cloud of smoke!"

"Harvey!" Jim yelled. "I'll keep Nygma here; you go find the bomb!"

And so I put my gun down and ran around looking for a bomb. If I was a bomb, where would I be? I checked all of the places that criminals usually placed bombs – the beer fridge, inside donut boxes, disguised as bottles of whiskey – but I found nothing. Suddenly, I looked over to a table and saw it!

"Jim! I found the bomb!" I yelled, grabbing it and bringing it to him. It was a metal box with 4:30 displayed on it.

"Well why the hell are you bringing it over here?!" Jim asked. He had apparently punched Ed in the face, because he was lying unconscious on the ground.

"So you can disarm it!" I said. "You know how, right?

"If I didn't know how to turn on the microwave yesterday, what makes you think I know how to disarm a bomb?" Jim sighed. "Umm, try exposing the wires?"

"Okay." I said. I flipped it over, and there was a flat panel. There were some buttons that I tried to tear off, but there was still nothing. "I can't find the wires!"

"Are you f*cking serious?" Jim growled. "Everyone in the movies is being a badass and yelling about cutting wires and you can't even _find_ them?! Ugh… what about a power source? Can you take out the batteries?"

I flipped over the bomb, and tried getting the panel on the bottom off, but it was being held there by screws. "It's screwed on there! Do you have a screwdriver or something?"

"Are you actually being f*cking serious right now?"

"Oh, I am _so_ sorry that I can't remove screws without any tools. Maybe you'd like to give it a shot with the screwdrivers that you apparently have attached to your fingers!"

"Ugh, fine." Jim said, pulling a Swiss army knife out of his pocket and handing it to me.

I unscrewed the panel from the bottom and took out the two AA batteries. "Jim, it's still ticking!"

"Is that a solar panel on the top?" Jim asked.

I flipped it over. "Oh, you're right! How do you stop solar panels from working?"

"Put it somewhere dark?" Jim shrugged.

And so I stuffed the bomb in my pants.

"I am concerned about how quickly you resorted to that." Jim said.

Then, we looked over and Ed was starting to wake up. Jim went over, grabbed the front of his shirt, and held him against the wall.

"Tell us why you were working for the Rogues!" Jim yelled. "We've disabled your bomb! You have nothing left!"

Ed laughed, "Tell me – what can stay in one place, yet-"

"We could literally beat the crap out of you until you tell us what we want." I said.

"Okay, okay!" Ed said. "Leonard Snart paid me to collect money for them. They're planning on buying the power plant so they can control all of the electricity in the city. They agreed to give me control of my own district, which I was going to cal Nygmatropolis."

"Where can we find Snart?" I asked.

"What can run with no feet and attack without-" Ed started, before Jim raised his fist, and Ed just said, "Check the power plant."

Jim smiled and let go of him, and said, "Come on, Harv. Let's get to the power plant."

"Good." I said, before taking the disarmed bomb out of my pants. "By the way, this belongs to you." And I threw it at Ed, hitting him in the face.

Jim and I were about to walk away when Ed said, "Wait, what's this?"

"Isn't that your bomb?" Jim asked.

"No." Ed said. "My bomb is disguised as a can of beer! This is just a normal alarm clock!"

Oh… sh*t.

"It's gonna go off any second!" Ed yelled.

"Well, quick! Disarm it with your button thingy!" I yelled back.

"The button is gone! It must have gotten lost when you were beating me!"

"Well what do we do?" Jim asked.

"RUN!" Ed yelled, making a dash for the door, and Jim and I followed after him. We all ran as fast as we could for the door and hit the pavement, waiting for an explosion. Then, suddenly…

There was a small puffing sound and smoke came from the door. Ed stood up, looked at the lack of explosion behind him, and huffed, "I knew I shouldn't buy my bombs from the 99 cent store." He walked inside to go see what was wrong.

"Okay, let's go to the power plant." Jim said. I followed him back to the police car, and then there was a giant explosion that shattered the windows and shook the ground, coming from inside the bank.

Jim and I stared back and forth between each other, and Jim asked, "Do… you think Ed's okay?"

"Ow!" said a voice coming from inside the bank.

"He's okay!" I grinned, and we drove to the power plant.

On the way, Jim called for backup. When we got there, our backup was already parked outside, waiting for us to come out. Jim hopped out of the car holding his gun, and I followed him. The Strike Force followed us into the power plant. The lights were off, so we whipped out the old flashlights. We slowly started checking every room until we got to the main power room. And there they were.

"Okay, seriously? How come every successful criminal in Gotham is a kid?" Jim asked.

Leonard Snart was a sixteen-year-old boy wearing a blue leather jacket, standing in front of a gang of other teenagers. And best of all, standing in the middle of them with a gag in his mouth was Professor Hugo Strange.

"Professor Strange?" I asked. "What are you doing here?"

Professor Strange wriggled out of the gag in his mouth and sighed, "I've been kidnapped to create some weaponry. It's been happening a lot lately."

"Yep, and it's time to test it out." said Snart, aiming a grey gun-looking contraption at us. He pointed it at us, and it shot out this weird white flame-type thing. We all jumped for cover, but it froze the wall behind us in ice.

Two of Snart's buddies grabbed Professor Strange while he yelled, "Well, here we go again." and dragged him away while a girl hanging with Snart threw down a smoke bomb. Once the smoke cleared, the Rogues had disappeared.

Anyway, that's the story of how Jim and I heroically did our duty and solved the crime of who's been robbing the banks. Just a day in the life of two of the best cops that Gotham's ever seen.


	126. Sean's Stint in Modelling

**So to kick off Request Month, two people wanted Sean to get into modelling, so let's do that! Keep sending your requests for the rest of the month! This chapter is narrated by Selina.**

Yeah, I'm not doing that 'Dear Diary' thing.

So anyway, last week, while Sean was lifting his weights and being all sweaty and shirtless and I was watching him from the air vents because don't pretend you wouldn't. Anyway, upon closer inspection, he was using one of my jackets to wipe his sweat! And so I jumped out to yell at him, but since the air vent was on the ceiling, I fell hard on my face and broke my arm. So now he owes me, and I'm coming to collect.

"Hey, Sean?" I said. "Remember how you broke my arm?"

"Selina, you know I feel bad about that." he said. "How's the cast?"

Yeah, there's a cast on my arm now. I drew kitties on it. "It's cool. Anyway, I want you to meet my friend – famous photographer, Raphael Vivaldi!"

"Ciao, Signor Ornelas." Raphael said, in his adorable Italian accent.

"Wait," Sean said. "Weren't you French the last time we met?"

"And weren't you not responsible for breaking a young girl's arm the last time we met?" Raphael said. That's why I love hiring him.

"Anyway, I thought about it for a while, and I thought of a way for you to make it up to me. I'm going to take some pictures to send to him, and he's going to make you the cover of Teen BCBG Magazine!"

Sean sighed, "Selina, do I really have to do this?"

"No, you don't have to if you don't want to." I said. "I'll just give Mr. Vivaldi back his business card with my right arm since my left one has been shattered into pieces."

"Fine, I'll do it." Sean said.

"Fantastico!" Raphael grinned. "Email me the pictures by midnight and they'll be on the cover tomorrow morning!"

Luckily, Bruce had a bunch of cameras in his basement, so I took some of those. Unfortunately, Alfred said that we couldn't use the cameras, and that they were 'delicate instruments, not for our shenanigans', so I had to improvise.

"Where did you find those cameras?" Sean asked me.

I shrugged, holding my bag full of cameras. "They were just hanging around."

"You took our security cameras, didn't you?"

"It's not like we were using them for anything!"

In another room, we heard Harley yelling, "Alfred! A guy climbed in my window and stole ten dollars from my wallet!"

"She has more money." I shrugged. "Anyway, for this photo-shoot, I want you to look completely natural and relaxed. Why don't you just do whatever it is you were going to do, and I'll just tag along and take some pictures?"

"I was about to take a shower."

"Sounds good, let's go!"

"Selina," Sean sighed. "Ugh, okay. Let's go grab a sandwich or something instead."

"Wait, you need to get into your outfit!" I said. I picked out an outfit special just for him earlier before I saw Mr. Vivaldi, and so I handed him the bag it was in. He took a look inside, and then looked back up at me with what I think could be fear, curiosity, and just a little bit of that kinky side he has.

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

A few minutes later, he comes out of the bathroom fully dressed in his outfit. His hair was gelled back, and he was wearing eyeliner. He had on a blue crop top and black tights that really showed off the bulge between his legs. Finally, I added some cat ears. He looked absolutely adorable!

"Smile for the camera!" I grinned.

"Why is the shirt so small?"

"Don't pretend you don't know how delicious those abs are."

"And these tights are squeezing my…"

"Don't worry. Tonight, I'll make sure that your little guy is still working like it's supposed to. But first, smile for the camera!"

I took a few wide shots, and then I started getting closer and closer to his abs. The camera was making him sweaty, so I got some really hi-rez pics of his sweaty abs. I got some pics of his booty, and then his gorgeous smile. I think I got a few that Mr. Vivaldi is really gonna like.

"Okay, now take your clothes off." I said.

"What? Why?"

"I won't send in these pics. I just want to keep them for you and me!"

"I'm not comfortable getting naked."

"Yeah, I get that. Okay then, want to go out somewhere?"

"Sure, where do you want to go?"

"I don't know, I want to go swimming, but I can't because then the cast that's healing the arm that you broke will get wet."

Sean sighed, "Ugh, fine. I'll do it. But just take _one_ picture, okay?"

So he went into the bathroom, and two minutes later, he's naked with his hands covering his little guy.

"Take your hands off." I said.

"I don't want to."

So I picked up a book and a ball off the ground and threw them at his face. Of course, he caught them both in his hands, but that means he had to raise them for a second.

His hands went back there fast, but not fast enough. I gave him a kiss and said, "Love you, Sean!"


	127. The Blackout (Part One)

**Hey, and here's some bonus chapters. FanWriter83 and I both wanted to write chapters about Jerome's Blackout, so what better way to do it than a crossover? We both collaborated on some ideas and wrote chapters. We'll post both of ours on each of our stories! This is written by FanWriter83.**

* * *

 **#961. We are not allowed to leave Wayne Manor when there is a black-out**

Alfred strolled back into the room with a refilled popcorn bowl then saw the Lion King movie was interrupted by a live-broadcast of Jerome and a tied man in the background.

"Wow, he used way more staplers than he needed too!" Sean laughed.

Alfred stomped over to the TV then turned it off and very displeased grunts echoed through the room.

"We were watching!" Selina yelled furiously.

Alfred cuffs his hands behind his back then grumbles; "Yes, well Miss Kyle, I told you I don't want you lot watch so many violence."

"As if the Lion King won't scar us for life!" Johnny said. "I mean, jealous brother kills his brother then blames it on his nephew then takes the throne and turns all the female lions into obedient, helpless slaves."

Jack grins; "Yeah, Bruce should have kept an eye on his clone instead of letting him walk away. I bet he will return then do the same thing scar did to Moefasa then turns Selina in an obedient sex slave and-

"That's enough, Mister Kerr!"

Bruce grabbed the TV control then turned the TV back on to see the last part of the broadcast then smirks after noticing Alfred's scowl; "Hey, we need to know what he's planned to do, right?"

On screen, Jerome blabbered some maniacal stuff then lit a fuse and ran off-screen. They watched all in horror how the man wrapped in bombs tried to blow out the fuse then the screen went black and they felt the ground beneath their feet starts to shake momentarily when the sound of an explosion is heard in the distance. Then the lights outside and inside the manor turns off, one by one.

"Okay, everyone please calm down!" Alfred bellowed loudly in case someone might freak out. "We'll just grab some candles."

Selina guffawed; "You know some of us can't be trusted with fire, right?"

Alfred slapped his forehead then saw the familiar silhouette of Sean dashing toward the patio doors.

"Mister Ornelas, don't you dare to-

Sean instantly swung the doors wide open then skipped out with glee.

"Wait for me, Kitty Toy Sean!" Selina cried ecstatically then bowled out the door as well.

It didn't take long before the others ran out as well and only Alfred and Bruce stood alone in the cold, dark house.

* * *

 **#962. I am not allowed to say something sassy to Jerome**

Jerome and his goons had found a way inside the manor and now they were tearing things apart. Some of them even stole a few stuff along the way.

"Nice place you got here," Jerome said looking around the place in awe. "You rent?"

Bruce asked with stone cold face; "What do you want?"

Jerome looks baffled for two seconds then says; "Attitude! Teenagers, am I right?"

"Don't confuse my personality with my attitude," Bruce replied with the same blank look. "My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are."

* * *

 **#963. I am not allowed to gallop down the streets on Mr. Flowerworth then leave when I see Penguin tied to a car**

"UNICORNS ARE REAL!" Selina bellowed from the top of her lungs as she gallops down the streets on her 'unicorn', Mr. Flowerworth. Pedestrians move quickly out of the way.

"HELP!"

Selina jerks the rains and Mr. Flowerworth halts instantly.

"It sounds like someone is in trouble, Mr. Flowerworth. Should we go check it out?"

Mr. Flowerworth neighs as reply.

"Away, Flowerworth, away!" Selina cried and Mr. Flowerworth gallops at the location where the screams come from.

They find Penguin tied to a car with a barrel hanging on the ceiling. It's leaking substance which lands right between Penguin's legs.

"Selina, I'm so glad to see you! Untie me please!"

Selina points at the barrel; "What is that stuff?"

"Acid!"

Selina laughs loudly; "Did you make Tabs and Babs angry again?!"

"No! Ed did this to me! Now untie me!" Penguin hollered impatiently.

Suddenly Selina's head tilts slightly to the left as if she's hearing something and she smirks; "Carnival is back in town! Now if you'll excuse me, Mr. Flowerworth and I have a party to tend to!"

"NO, WAIT!" Penguin hollered in fear but it was already too late. Selina and Mr. Flowerworth were already away to the Carnival.

* * *

 **#964. I am not allowed to pick a fight with Jerome. Especially not when Bruce is with him**

Bruce dangled over Jerome's shoulder bouncing slightly with every skip-step his kidnapper took. Suddenly he heard the sound of hooves.

"Carrot-face, what are you planned with my kitty toy Bruce?"

Bruce sighed then muttered softly; "Great, of all the people that life here in Gotham, Selina is the one we have to bump into? She will get us both killed."

"Did you say something, Bruce-y boy?" Jerome grinned. Bruce shook his blindfolded head then Jerome faced Selina who sits at Mr. Flowerworth's back; "Ma'am, could you please move your horse out of the way?"

Bruce dragged in a tired sigh because he knows exactly what happens next.

"Mr. Flowerworth is not a horse, he's a unicorn!" Selina bellowed angrily and Mr. Flowerworth neighed as if he agreed with his owner. "Say sorry to Mr. Flowerworth because you just insulted him!"

Jerome laughed; "Ma'am, I'm not sure what kind of drugs you are using, but unicorns are not real."

"Please don't go there," Bruce muttered.

Selina pointed angry at the stick on Mr. Flowerworth's forehead; "Can't you see the horn, you freak?!"

"That's just a stupid stick you probably found in the woods," Jerome laughed and his mindless goons laughed only because their boss laughed.

Selina huffed angrily; "Put that boy down and I'll show you your punishment for insulting my per unicorn!"

Jerome dropped Bruce onto the streets with a thud then readied his fist to accept Selina's challenge. Little did he know he actually needed to run, because Mr. Flowerworth bend his head then galloped toward Jerome with speed.

It turned out quite messy, but Jerome didn't really care because we all know he likes blood. Even if it comes from his own body parts.

* * *

 **#965. I am not allowed to scare the crap out of Kathryn**

"Look at that," Kathryn said as she and a mysterious man stood by the window looking outside to all the chaos and the madness. "Sometimes I think this city is beyond saving. I mean, look at all those-

"LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! THERE ARE KILLERS OUTSIDE!" somebody bellowed nearby Kathryn's ear and the woman shrieked loudly before clasping at her chest.

The mystery man's nerves weren't as frail as Kathryn's and he slowly turned around only to find a madly smirking Sean Ornelas who now left the room while cackling like a maniac.

Kathryn then slowly realized what happened and grumbles annoyed; "Great, that butler didn't manage to contain those apes either."

* * *

 **#966. I am not allowed to scream random things in front of Kathryn's mansion**

Selina dashes past a random mansion then spots a familiar figure skipping through the mansion's garden then waves at the figure; "Hey Sean, what are you doing there?!"

Sean looked up then beckoned her to come closer which she did.

"Kathryn lives here! I'm going to scare the crap out of her!"

And with that, Sean disappears inside the mansion then a few minutes later she hears a female scream in fear. Quietly Selina peers inside through the window and sees Sean disappear into the next room.

Selina can see Kathryn is all pale in shock, but the mystery man beside her is not that scared at all, until…Selina starts pounding onto the window.

"WATCH OUT, THE WAFFLES ARE COMING!"

With a pleased grin the street girl watched Kathryn scream in fear before she fell with a thud onto the mystery man's (already) fainted body.

* * *

 **#967. I am not allowed to ask DB to join us**

Sean joins Selina then finds himself and his lips locked into a heated kiss. Then suddenly a shadow casts over them.

Selina looks over with a grin then recognizes the face; "Five! You didn't leave Gotham at all, you cheeky bastard! Don't worry, I'm not mad at you. I mean, now I have three kitty toys again."

Sean looks at Five, suspiciously; "Wait, why are you wearing a turtle-neck?!"

Selina plants another kiss on Sean's lips then smirks; "I'm insane and I want you two to join me in my insanity. You two wanna join me, do you?"

DB looks thoughtfully for a second then shrugs; "Sure, it's not like I have anything else to do. I mean, I've been locked up in a room for the past few months and-

Selina's maniacal laughter drowns DB's words then she proceeds screaming as she runs down the garden path while dragging the two boys with her; "THE WAFFLES ARE COMING!"

* * *

 **#968. I am not allowed to play at the boots that are taken over by Jerome's mindless goons**

Mr. Flowerworth arrives with Selina, Sean and DB at the carnival, and two out of four act like they are insane. Sean instantly dismounts the horse and disappears into the crowd before people start thinking he belongs with them.

While strolling down the boots, Sean spots the game; 'drop a punk' and he gets all excited about it until he spots the tank with piranhas. The young boy looks thoughtfully for a second then faces one of the mindless goons.

"Hey, would you be insane or crazy enough to take that business man's spot?"

The goon bobs his head up and down then skips over to the boot and takes the business man place on the plank.

Sean clutches the ball tightly then swings his arm back and just when he's ready to throw the ball, something knocks him to the ground. A few seconds later a bunch of wild, chestnut brown curls starts tickling his face.

"I found you, my Kitty toy Sean. Don't you dare run away from me again," Selina purrs while nuzzling Sean's face with her hair.

* * *

 **#969. I am not allowed to convince a random, frightful citizen, that Alfred Pennyworth is a crazy person**

Selina walks up to a random citizen who darts his eyes anxiously around then spots her, and thinking she's less scary as the people who abducted him, the man runs toward her.

"Please little girl, tell me where the exit of this place is."

Selina smiles sweetly; "Sure, dear sir, it's that way."

The girl points at the exit then grabs the man before he can even run off; "Before you leave, can you tell me if you saw my butler? His name is Alfred Pennyworth and he has grey hair, blue eyes and British accent. Also, he loves sticking blades into people."

"What? Why would he do that?" the man gasped in fear.

Selina shrugs; "Because he's a psychopath, and when psychopaths get bored they-

"There you are, Miss Kyle," a British voice said and when Selina and the man turned they saw a middle-aged man with grey hair and blue eyes stomping up to them. In his hand he held a knife in case he had to protect himself.

Selina widened her eyes into a fake, angsty look then gasps dramatically; "That's him! Run, before he uses you as practice target!"

The man grabs Selina with both hands then holds her in front of himself as a human shield and bellows; "Don't sticking that blade into me, but stick it into her, AAAGH!"

The man peed his pants then ran off while Selina hollered, infuriated; "I MEMORIZED YOUR FACE, SO EXPECT IT WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT!"

Then she smiles sweetly; "Hey Alfred, what have you been up to for the past few hours?"

* * *

 **#970. I am not allowed to scare the crap out of Alfred**

The two cops, Bullock and Jim, arrive at the carnival (Alfred called them) then followed the angrily bellows and found Alfred giving Selina the worst talk of her life. She wanted to escape though but she couldn't because Alfred had her ear between his fingers.

"Where is Mister Ornelas?!"

Selina whimpered in pain; "I just saw him a second ago, when we-

"Hey, we came because you said Bruce Wayne is in danger so can you please keep the punishments for later?!" Bullock said darting his eyes around anxiously.

Alfred nodded then they agreed with one and another to find Bruce then bring him to safety before arresting the crap out of Jerome.

"Ready?" Jim asked.

Bullock feels a chill run down his spine then replies; "Not really."

The two cops and the butler took a step but then Sean bowled into their way looking very weird and glazy from his eyes.

"There you are, Kitty Toy Sean!" Selina cried in glee then hugged him. "You are still trying to catch your breath, sweetie? Yeah, I know I can be a wild girl!"

Sean nodded with a glazy and dreamingly smile

"What happened to Mister Ornelas?" Alfred asked.

Selina smirks from ear to ear; "Can't you guess? Oh no, you can't because it must have been ages since the last time you actually did it."

"NO!" Bullock gasped.

Jim rolled his eyes; "You are not going to tell us you took this chaos as an opportunity to-

"To what?" Alfred asked impatiently.

Bullock guffaws; "Can't you tell by the goofy look on his face?"

"He's drunk!" Jim said.

Selina shakes her head; "No he's not! Okay, he is, but we also had s.e.x!"

All the citizens and the psychopaths inside the carnival heard a wild beast like roar and when they looked over they saw a street girl wearing tons of leather clothes being chased by a man who had strange similarities with a infuriated rhinoceros.

"MISS KYLE, GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE SO I CAN KICK YOUR IT!"

"Alfred, it was only a joke. Please don't hurt me!"

* * *

 **#971. I am not allowed to see if Sean and I can fit inside a canon**

Selina finally got Alfred off her tail then saw her billionaire from the street wobble drunk between some stands. With one quick snatch she pulled him behind a tent.

"I love you, you know that, don't you?" Sean asked then framed Selina's face with both hands. "Your face has the shape of a heart. Did anyone ever tell you that?"

Selina smirked; "No, but thank you for noticing it. Also, when you say you love me, does that mean you'll do anything I want?"

"I'll do anything for you, Selina," Sean said then burped into her face.

Selina looks slightly disgusted then thoughtfully; "You know, your breath still smells yummy. Anyway, you like to do an experiment?"

Sean nodded his head like an obedient puppet then seconds later they find themselves in front of a canon.

"I want to see if we both can fit in there!"

Sean shrugged; "Fine by me, dear!"

And with that, Sean Ornelas started to climb inside the canon which took a little while because he was too drunk to climb straight. Not that Selina cared. She already pictured all the things she could do with him in there.

* * *

 **#972. I am not allowed to proceed my experiments inside a canon**

Selina lied belly to belly with Sean inside the dark canon with her on top. Suddenly her volcano of ideas started to erupt an idea.

"Hey Sean, wanna see if we can take off your clothes while we are lying in here?"

Sean shrugs; "Sure!"

And with that, the both of them started to move the best they could into the small space they had to take off Sean's shirt first.

It took a while, but finally Selina collapsed down onto Sean's chest which was sweaty all over. Not that she cared.

"They are so soft and squeezy."

#973. Nor am I allowed to experiment if we can take off my clothes into a small, contained space

"Hey Sean, wanna test if you can manage to untie my bra from the positions we are in right now?"

"Sure," Sean replied who was still drunk as a skunk.

Suddenly they felt the canon move but they decided to take no notice of it and proceeded to wriggle from left to right as they tried to take off Selina's top clothes first.

"Man, why are you wearing so many layers of top clothes?" Sean whispered giggly.

Selina shrugged; "Just to make sure my merchandise don't get cold."

The canon stopped moving, and the two teens succeeded to take off all Selina's top clothes by then. Then Sean proceeded on Selina's bra which was a little tricky to find at first, but Selina's helpful words were a great guidance, though, most of the words that left her mouth were because he obviously had cold hands.

Everyone who stood outside the canon all froze in shock when they heard Selina's moans.

"Ohh, Sean…Come on, just like that… ah, ohhh."

Then finally; "YEAH, WE DID IT- wait, I have the feeling we are being watched."

* * *

 **#974. I am not allowed to smart-mouth Bruce**

Selina pokes her giggling face outside the end of the canon only revealing her head and bare shoulders and everyone instantly concluded the worst thing.

Bruce gasps, still tied to the pole; "Were you two…doing it…in the canon the entire time?"

"Maybe," Selina grinned.

"And you didn't hear any of the fighting?!"

Then Sean pokes his head out too, also with bare shoulders, and replies; "We were a little preoccupied."

"SO IF JEROME HAD LIT THAT FUSE, YOU TWO WOULD HAVE SHOT OUT AT ME?!"

Selina turns her face into the most sassy look ever; "Well Mr. Wayne, if you rather have a canon filled with knifes and what not piercing your scrawny body, Sean and I will evacuate our experiments elsewhere!"

And with that, everyone watched agape how the two teens scrambled outside the canon and strutted away to have their experiments elsewhere.

* * *

 **#975. I am not allowed to intervene the cops and Alfred's rescue mission**

Bullock creeps toward Alfred and Jim then whispers; "Okay, the strike team is ready to burst inside and-

"PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS!" a girl suddenly cried ecstatically and suddenly Mr. Flowerworth dashed through the carnival arena and ran over Jerome.

Selina then fist pumps the air in victory and hollers; "AND AGAIN, I SAVED BRUCE WAYNE'S BILLION-WORTH BUTT!"

* * *

 **#976. I am not allowed to tell Bruce how much I dig his new look**

Selina dismounts her 'unicorn' (horse) then skips over to Bruce and hugs him with glee while crying ecstatically; "Bruce, you look freakin' adorable with that run-out make-up and blood red lips. Now, just look as if you see someone you really, really hate and want to take down."

Bruce's eyes fill with murderous rage when he sees Jerome coming off the ground then makes way toward them.

"Yeah that's it, baby. I'm loving it!"

Then she saw Jerome approaching; "I'll leave you two fight this out on your own, okay?"

And with that, Bruce started to cry in fear when he saw Selina dash off stage.

* * *

 **#977. Nor are we allowed to try having sex in the maze of mirrors**

Bruce somehow did escape from Jerome's death trap then entered the maze of mirrors. He hid in a small corner and out of view waiting for Jerome to enter.

Meanwhile, in a different corner of the maze of mirrors and outside Bruce's view.

"Can you feel the love tonight?"

Sean frowns; "Selina, are you just singing that song from the Lion King?"

"Yeah, but do you feel the love tonight?"

Sean snickers with a blush; "Actually, what you feel is my-

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! I MEAN, THIS HAS TO STOP, RIGHT NOW!"

Selina and Sean both looked at Jerome with a smug on their faces.

"BRUCE, I KNOW YOU ARE IN HERE SO COME OUT AND LETS HAVE OUR STAND-OFF ELSEWHERE!"

Bruce followed Jerome outside the maze of mirrors, obediently.

 **#978. Nor am I (Sean) allowed to scare the crap out of Alfred**

* * *

Bruce had his stand-off with Jerome and won, but Jerome didn't let him win that easily so tried to backstab him, literally. He would have succeeded if it wasn't for Jim to save the day and punch Jerome's face off, LITERALLY.

Alfred, Bruce and the two cops then had to look for the others. While doing so, Alfred walked around a game stall when suddenly a figure sprung in his path.

"AAGH!" Alfred screamed in fear then used his fist to damage the figure's face, but the person happened to be slightly faster and dodged the fist with a grin.

Sean who happened to be that person started to laugh then guffawed; "Relax Alfred, it's only me."

Sean had to run very fast because Alfred didn't find it as funny as he did.

* * *

 **#979. Nor am I (Jack) allowed to scare the crap out of Alfred**

Jerome was finally cuffed and would be send to the Asylum where the doctors would try to re-tach his face with stitches instead of staplers.

Alfred and the teens stood beside the two cops and watch the police car with Jerome inside drive off. Suddenly someone tapped onto Alfred's arm.

"Hey, Alfred, what do you think of my face paint?!"

Alfred turned around and found the most creepiest clown face-paint ever painted in history and started to scream from the top of his lungs before mounting Selina's half horse half unicorn and sped off.

Jack looks at the others; "What, too subtle?"

Bullock smirks; "No one ever told you your butler hates clowns?"

"No, and actually we are glad no one did, because that would have made this moment less funny," Selina guffawed.

* * *

 **#980. I am not allowed to show Harley a picture of a shirtless Jerome. I should know Jack won't take that too well**

"Hey Harley," Selina said then skipped into the study where Harley was tied to a pole and Jack launched dart arrows at her. "Bruce said you wanted to know how Jerome looks like without a shirt."

Harley gloats dreamingly; "Yeah, if only that would be possible but he's at the asylum right now."

"And he's a lucky bastard for being there otherwise I would have shown him what I can do to a man who catches my girl's eye!"

"Awe, you are so cute when you are jealous!" Harley cried in glee.

She received a handful of dart arrows pinned into her body as reply.

"Anyway," Selina said to get her crazy friend's attention again. "Even with Jerome being locked up you still have a chance to see Jerome's naked chest."

"Really? How?"

Annie then skipped into the room showing her futuristic smart-phone.

"With this," Selina said then snatched it from Annie's hands. "Jerome was able to set up a twitter account and posted a picture of his bare chest as avatar! Cool huh?"

Harley started to drool at the sight of a bare-chested Jerome then Annie saw Jack reaching for an hidden axe underneath the couch and she untied Harley then grabbed both girls under her arms before swooping away with the speed of light.

"GET BACK, YOU CRAZY ASS SPEEDSTER AND BACKSTABBING BITCHES!" Jack roared then heaves the axe above head and followed the blur out the door. Sadly for him they already had reached the city by then.


	128. The Blackout (Part Two)

**And this chapter was written by me! Remember to go check out 'Things I'm Not Allowed To Do While I'm At Wayne Manor' if you haven't already!**

Dear Diary,

It was almost night when we were all gathered around the TV watching 'The Lion King' (It has enough cats for Miss Kyle, enough adventure for Master Bruce and Mister Ornelas, enough animals for Miss Pepper, enough murder for Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel, and enough existential dilemma for Mister Crane) and then we got a breaking news alert from Channel Nine news.

"As has been reported, Channel Nine's van has been stolen this evening." said the newswoman. "We are now getting video from the feed in hopes it will lead to his apprehension."

"But wait," said the cameraman from off-screen. "Couldn't showing this on a news station potentially scar some young children for life?"

"Eh," said the newswoman. "What's the worst that could happen?

Then, the feed changed to static. "Testing, testing," said a voice, and suddenly, the static changed and revealed the face of Jerome Valeska, except this time, he had a bunch of staples around his face. I think duct tape or anything else would have been less painful and more effective, but I suppose he can use whatever he wants.

"Am I live? Ah, screw it. Let's do this." he said. "Hi. Some of you may know I died. Take it from me – death is dull. But coming back? That is something."

"This is a weird episode of Shameless." Miss Pepper said.

"Wait, is that…?" Mister Kerr said.

"Wow," Miss Quinzel grinned. "He has a beautiful smile."

Mister Kerr stared at her for a while before sighing, "Seriously?"

Jerome continued, "Tonight in Gotham – in the darkness – there are no rules! So tonight, do what you want; kill who you want, and when morning comes, you too shall be reborn!" and then he lit a fuse connected to a man strapped to a bunch of bombs and started laughing hysterically as he ran off-screen, and the man was promptly blown into a million pieces. Then, the feed cut back to the newswoman, as her cameraman said, "We definitely just scarred some young children for life." Before the screen went black, and soon all of the lights in the manor went out as well. I assumed the building that maniac just blew up was the central power plant.

"So what do you guys think?" I asked, making sure the kids were still around me.

"I think that Warner Bros. is trying to make me like Jared Leto's laugh and it is not working." Mister Crane said.

"So he's trying to get everyone to go insane tonight?" Master Bruce asked. "That could never happen. The people of Gotham are good."

Suddenly, there was a crashing coming from outside. Mister Ornelas ran to look out the window. "Someone just lit our lawn mower on fire."

I looked out the window and sighed, "That's our gardener, Steve."

"Okay, so maybe this is going to work." Miss Kyle said.

"I think that the best course of action is to approach this logically and reasonably." Mister Kerr said. "Our number one priority should be to track down this carrot pin-cushion and show him who Gotham's real prince of crime is."

"What? That's a horrible idea." I said.

"You're right." Mister Kerr said. "Harley, get the guns."

"I wonder what Jerome looks like without a shirt." Miss Quinzel grinned, staring dreamily into the distance, while Mister Kerr just stared at her. Eventually, he shoved her out of it and dragged her behind him out the door.

Miss Kyle grinned, "And while the lights are off, I'm going to go and do absolutely nothing suspicious at all. Sean, grab the whip- I mean… the completely innocent and inconspicuous fiber-based length of interlocked twine designated for use in offence."

Sean nodded, "The what?"

"We'll just do something new. I'll just meet you at the Carnival."

With that, the two of them left out the front door.

Mister Crane then looked at me and said, "Well, since the lights are off, I'm going to go lie under my bed and wallow in the imprisonment of my own existence."

"I'll lie under your bed with you." Miss Pepper said, and they both went upstairs, leaving just Master B and I.

A few hours passed. Master B lit up some candles and I got the fireplace going for warmth. Then, I remembered that we had a backup generator down in the cave, so I decided that it would be wise to go and get it. Master Bruce helped me push the cave open, and we were just about to go in when I heard someone behind me – this sort of quiet cackling. With the power off, the security system wouldn't be working….

"My, my," grinned Jerome, creeping towards us with his henchmen behind him. "Bruce, look how big you've gotten!"

"What do you want?" I asked the maniac.

"Attitude? Teenagers, am I right?" Jerome cackled. "The reason I'm here is that I'm going to kill you, Bruce. It's been nagging at me since I woke up – the idea of slitting that pretty pink throat of yours."

I wanted to do something, but he and his henchmen had guns pointed at us.

"Now, the prince of Gotham deserves a public death. His butler – not so much. Kill him." Jerome said, draping his arm around Bruce, dragging him out the front door with a gun pointed at him.

His henchmen had their weapons pointed at me. I had to do something fast so I could go after Master Bruce. He and Jerome had already left the mansion. I had to think fast. Think, Alfred.

Suddenly, the ground started to shake. Two plant vines erupted from the ground at the goons and hit them across the room. The potted fern we had in the corner sprung to life, growing rapidly and holding them against the wall while a gas bomb was thrown towards them. It exploded in a cloud of green smoke, and the goons fell down unconscious.

I turned around, and Mister Crane and Miss Pepper were coming down the stairs.

"What happened?" Mister Crane asked.

"Jerome just took Master Bruce." I said. "Where were you two?"

"Oh, well we're so sorry that we can't see everything that happens in this billion-room mansion at any time." Miss Pepper said. "We'll need help from the others. Cat and Sean are at the carnival."

I grabbed the rifle that I had mounted on the wall. Mister Crane grabbed his syringe gloves and a few more gas bombs, and we got in the limo and started driving to the carnival.

Once I pulled up to the driveway, there were a bunch of lunatic clowns standing at the door. Miss Pepper waved her hand, and the roots of a nearby tree erupted from the ground, grabbing the guns out of their hands and pinning them to the ground, while Mister Crane dispatched the other ones with the syringes of toxin on his gloves.

Jerome and his gang of clowns had remodelled the entire place to be full of torture and murder. Some clowns were throwing darts at targets attached to people. Some were chasing innocent civilians on a carousel with guns and knives. One was attached to the top of a dunk tank with piranhas in it. It was horrifying.

"This is hilarious!" laughed Mister Kerr, over at a station where he and Miss Quinzel were throwing balls at someone pinned to a wall.

"Mister Kerr! That is a terrible thing to do!" I yelled, running over to them. On further inspection, the person that they were throwing balls at was a chained up Mister Gilzean. "On this occasion, I'll allow it."

"I thought you two were trying to find Jerome." Miss Pepper said.

"We got preoccupied." Miss Quinzel said, holding up one of Jerome Valeska's mugshots. "Don't you think Jerome's eyes are beautiful?"

Mister Kerr threw a ball at the back of her head.

"Jerome kidnapped Bruce." Mister Crane said.

"What is it about that kid that makes him constantly be kidnapped? Does he just have a really kidnappable face?" Mister Kerr asked. "Fine, I guess it'll get us closer to Jerome. Where's Sean and the girl who signed a contract for ownership of his abs?"

"We're trying to find them." I said. "I hope we do before-"

I looked over, and Jerome was walking with his arm around Master Bruce, and two of his goons were holding guns to him. I hid behind the carnival stand and just listened to them.

"So, Bruce," Jerome said. "What did I miss while I was dead?"

"Well," said Bruce. "People started cutting things in half with burning-hot knives."

"Ooh, that sounds funny!"

"Yeah, but they're also flipping water bottles and filming themselves standing completely still to music."

"Well, that's strange… anything else?"

"Yeah. The gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo died."

"Harambe? No!" Jerome pointed to a clown walking by and said, "Hey, dude. Is it true? Harambe's dead?"

"Did you just assume my gender?" the clown gasped, and stormed away angrily.

Jerome stared at Master Bruce with a frown. "You see what happens when I'm gone for too long? Anyway, it's almost time for the main event, Bruce! Let's go and get you ready."

Jerome and Master B walked out of sight, and I started to follow. The four kids followed me. We went unnoticed for the most part, but a clown occasionally had to be shot with a boxing glove from a gun or subdued with fear toxin.

Finally, we arrived in a circus tent. The maniac had tied Master Bruce to a pole and had a canon aimed at him, getting knives and explosives ready to put in it.

"Okay, we need to act methodically." I said. "Miss Pepper, you come with me. The rest of you create a distraction."

"Good idea!" Mister Kerr said with a thumb up.

As Jerome started speaking, his audience of clowns were completely quiet. I motioned for Miss Pepper to come up behind me, and I started stealthily making my way up behind the seats. Or I would have, if Mister Kerr didn't extend his leg to make me trip and fall on my face, making the entire room go quiet as everyone stared at me on the ground.

"Mister Kerr!" I yelled. "I told you to create a distraction!"

"I did!" Mister Kerr yelled back, pointing to all of the clowns staring at us. "Look at how distracted they all are!"

The jig was up. He pointed his boxing glove gun and started shooting. As clowns started closing in on us, Mister Crane threw a smoke bomb for cover, and Miss Pepper made tree roots come up from the ground and hit the clowns backwards. I shot a few with my rifle, and Miss Quinzel charged with her sledgehammer. I went back-to-back with Mister Kerr, shooting all around us, while Mister Crane started swiping furiously with his syringe gloves.

Across the stage, I saw Jerome running towards the canon, getting ready to fire it. I dashed towards him as quickly as I could, but he had a cannonball in his hand and was ready to throw it in the canon, but suddenly stopped when a quiet voice coming from inside the canon became apparent. "Ohh, Sean… Ohhhh, come on, just like that… ah, ohhh,"

We all froze and went silent, wondering what had happened, and then it became clear. Miss Kyle's head poked out of the end of the canon. She only revealed her head and shoulders, but it was clear she was naked and starting to put on her bra. Then, Mister Ornelas' head peeked out, also not wearing a shirt.

"Ummm," Master Bruce said, still tied to the pole. "Were you two… doing it… in the canon the entire time?"

"Maybe." Miss Kyle said.

"And you didn't hear any of the fighting?"

"We were a little preoccupied." Mister Ornelas said.

"So if Jerome had lit that fuse, you two would have shot out at me?"

"Actually, shooting you with naked kids is a lot funnier than anything I had planned." Jerome shrugged.

We were all silent, staring between each other, when finally, Miss Pepper waved her hand, and a vine sprung out of the ground and hit Jerome in the groin, making him fall to the ground. Well, I suppose that's as good a way to end an adventure as any.


	129. The Valentine's Day Special!

**Hey, guys, special chapter for Valentine's Day. As promised, TEDOG - the original creator of Sean Ornelas - has made a special return to write a diary chapter, so hope you enjoy!**

Dear Diary, wait no this is not a diary entry just so you know Alfred.

So Alfred I know you were pretty busy on Valentine's Day being principal at Ander's Prep and bossing kids around and all so I figured you would want to know what exactly happened that day while Bullock and Jim got us ready for school (as you had to head on to school early that day for reasons we are still trying to figure out) since they were already heading there due to Barnes making most of the GCPD detectives act as teacher. Now let's start with what started to be a interesting day early in the morning.

I slowly rise up from the bed at about 6 AM that morning and felt very well rested which is why I unusually for some reason had the urge to head on downstairs to the weight room and start lifting some hundred pound dumbbells shirtless, but it didn't take long before Selina woke up to find me missing in bed and ran all screaming my name "SEAN. WHERE ARE YOU SEAN!?".

It didn't take long for her to find me laying down on the bench lifting weights where she profoundly jumped on my chest before purring; "I love it when you workout but I don't recall ever EVER watching you workout SHIRTLESS before!", she said before adding; "You should do it more often, just some advice you know?".

I didn't respond and kept lifting despite her still purring like a cat on top of me but I was up for a challenge even if it made me very very uncomfortable.

"Hey what that in your shorts!", Selina asked loudly with her eyes sparkling filled with curiosity as she kept focus on something growing inside my gym shorts.

"It's nothing Selina please just go away, I'll meet you in the dining room for breakfast. How does that sound", I asked getting a little bit scared at the moment for my body.

Selina's wide smirk on her face said enough for me to know that she wasn't going to do what I had nicely asked her to do.

I just had to do two more lifts and I would be done but that all changed when she had instantly landed a kiss on my face making me drop my dumbbells and in the process I put my hands on the back of her head slowly pulling her closer to me to the point where her and I were inseparable at the time before Jack happened to be passing through the hallway and saw us making out since the door was open and yelled out; "EEWWW YOU TWO ARE GOING TO DO IT IN THE WEIGHT ROOM?! ON THE BENCH?! Y'ALL ARE SICK!", before proceeding to walk away.

I quickly stop by moving my face away and asked; "Selina what was that for?".

"It's valentine's day silly", Selina said as she slowly put her left hand under my head and her right hand on my head, tangling my sweaty hair; "It's the day I give all my love to you my sweet Sean-y darling", she said so sweetly, I was starting to feel I was melting on the spot before but right before anything else could happen, Jim was standing by the door and yelled; "You two get out and get dress for school, NOW!".

At that point Jim had to come in and drag Selina off of me which did not turn out well and I had to leave the room once she started scratching him.

Eventually I was taking a shower when the boys came rushing into brush their teeth which was very unfortunate for me at the time especially when I noticed Jack slowly inching closer to the curtain by noticing his shadow nearing; "This shower is occupy Jack and no one and I mean NO ONE sees this body because I'm too ugly to be looked at", I said from the shower as I started shampooing my hair.

"Now now Sean I'm sure Selina's seen your body lots of times already", Jonny said casually while brushing his teeth before rinsing his mouth and spitting it out down sink; "She actually says it by far a 100 times better than the average man. Yes she said man not boy".

"You should actually feel pretty good about your body Sean", Bruce said as brushed his teeth.

"Yeah not every boy can go through puberty three times before they turn thirteen years of age and still come out sexy and charming", Jack muttered, weirding me out a bit by his awkward mild-sexual comment.

'Thanks?", I asked in confusion from the shower but I knew overall he was lying about me being sexy as I know by now that it's a lie but then again Selina had been trying to get my self esteem up instead of walking feel down about myself and appearance.

"So what are you fellas doing for Valentine's Day today?", Bruce asked swiftly.

"Oh s*** is that today?", Jack asked looking surprised; "Eh me and Harley will probably go vandalize the Hugo's office and start a good fight in the cafeteria".

"Didn't you two do that last week?", I asked still washing my hair.

"Yeah so why not do it this week as well duh", Jack replied answering my question as he rinses his mouth before walking out of the bathroom which I could tell by his maniatic scream that got lower lower and lower before it was completely gone.

"How about you Johnny?", Bruce asked.

"Yeah are you and Ivy doing anything special today?", I asked letting the water rinse my hair and shampoo out.

"Not that I know of but if we do end up doing something then there's a 50% chance I won't like it", Jonny said nonchalantly before finishing up in the bathroom and walked out.

I poked my head out of the curtain just to make sure Jack and Johnny were really gone and only saw Bruce who was still washing up by the sink.

"Bruce?", I asked hesitantly as he turned over to me.

"Can you by any chance umm dress me like you? Don't get carry away or excited by me asking and don't freak out-", I tried saying but Bruce was already jumping up and down in excitement saying; "Of course I'll help you Sean! It's nice to hear you want to look nice like me for once now first will start on your hair, your shirt, your pants, and most importantly your shoes!".

"Shoes?", I asked confused; "How are shoes important? Nobody looks down at people's feet".

"Girls do actually", Bruce answered my question quickly and I sighed before rolling my eyes and got the towel hanging on the shower rack before wrapping it below my waist and slowly stepped out onto the rug.

It took longer than I had thought to get dress just to look nice and by the time I came downstairs, everybody was gone except Bullock who had told me that Jim had decided to take Jack, Harley, Jonny, Ivy, and Selina to school in the limo since 'we' were taking too long getting dressed.

It didn't take long for Bullock to notice I was dressed much different from my usual black t shirt, black leather jacket, black pants, and black nike shoes and that my hair looked pretty neat instead of looking messy like most days.

"Sean did you use gel?", Bullock asked as he put his dirty hand on my head which I quickly ducked away before kicking him in the stomach where he moaned in pain putting his hands on his poor fat belly.

"Sorry Bullock but please don't touch my hair", I said before putting my hand back on my hair, fixing it which was pretty weird considering I hadn't ever acted so sensitive about my hair before but I guess there's a first time for everything.

Bullock totally understand and didn't blame me for kicking him in stomach as he knows it was one of my old self defense reflexes growing up on streets long ago.

"Well Sean my boy you look great", Bullock said patting me on my left shoulder before saying; "Let's get to school now, you don't want to be too late. Especially on valentine's day", smiling as he looked at me and I figured he was referring to me wanting to get to Selina as quick and possible.

Bruce came downstairs and was quite surprise to see it was only me and Bullock waiting for him at the bottom of the steps.

"Where is everyone?", Bruce asked looking concerned and worried.

"Relax kid, Jim took the rest of the brats to school since you and Sean here were taking too much time getting dressed", Bullock barked up before smoothly saying; "Anyways since Jimbo took the limo then that means the only way we're getting to school now is if we take one of Bruce's expensive sports cars".

"Or we could call a taxi", Bruce said suggested.

"C'mon B, the taxi will take too long to get and don't you want to get to school as quickly as possible to meet Vicki?", Sean asked smirking.

It didn't take long for Bruce to think about Vicki Vale, the niece of journalist Valerie Vale that is always looking for a story in Gotham so she could write about for the papers. Valerie had enrolled her niece Vicki in Ander's Prep who had just recently moved to Gotham and Bruce was really looking forward to meeting her today.

"Fine I suppose we can take the Ferrari", Bruce said and with that being said five minutes later, Bullock was pulling out of the Wayne manor driving a red hot color Ferrari while also wearing some nice black shades along with Sean sitting in the shotgun seat Bruce as well sitting in the back.

"I can't believe I'm saying this but let's hurry up and go to school!", I said loudly very excited.

At Ander's Prep

Selina, Jonny, and Ivy were standing near the entrance to the school along with a bunch of others kids talking with each other. Jim had already gone to his classroom to prepare for the day of hell he was about to experience. Jack and Harley were already inside spray painting principle Hugo Strange's office.

"Where are they?", Selina asked impatiently tapping right foot; "I knew I should've fought harder to waiting for them back at the mansion".

"There they are", Jonny said pointing over at the road where are the kids outside started hearing the sound of the radio going on that was playing; "Who's that sexy thing I see over there?

That's me, standing in the mirror

What's that icy thing hangin' 'round my neck?

That's gold, show me some respect".

By the time we got close to to entrance, me, Bruce were Bullock were already jamming out singing along with the song; "If I was you, I'd wanna be me, too

I'd wanna be me, too

I'd wanna be me, too

If I was you, I'd wanna be me, too

I'd wanna be me, too

I'd wanna be me, too".

We soon noticed about every kid outside was watching us with their jaws dropped but instead of hearing laughs and boos, we were instead met with applause and roses being thrown at us as it seemed the kids were impressive of my singing skills which mostly overshadow Bullock and Bruce's horrible voices so we didn't sound bad.

"Good things it's Valentine Day or god only know what these kids would throw at us if they didn't have flowers today", I whispered into Bruce's ear which by the expression on his face, I could easily tell he got scared for a moment but I patted him on the back and told him that the other kids love us so we were fine.

"Alright street billionaire and billionaire boy, get out now so I can hurry and snag the parking space over there", Bullock said as me and Bruce quickly jumped out instead of opening the door.

Bruce and I jumped out of the ferrari and once we were on the concrete, we were immediately swarmed by mobs of our private school classmates, mostly all the cool and popular girls and boys who tried to always be my friends during class and lunch, stuff like that but I never interacted with them, nor did I want too

It didn't take long for Selina to make her way through the crowds and instantly hugged me with her arms wrapped around my body and she said; "Finally you're here! Let's go in now so we can show off our love to everybody else in school".

Throughout the day, school was pretty cool for once, me and Selina practically made out every room we stepped in, even if it was the men's bathroom which was quite disturbing at first but I got surprisingly use to it after. Vicki actually ended up asking out Bruce in the hallway by his locker and at first he stuttered to even reply but luckily I saved him by coughing out loud a big yes in my best Bruce interpretation which turns out I am pretty awesome at interpretations, I even do the best Alfred, even better than the real alfred. Yep you better believe it Alfred so you better be nice to me or else I can easily go into the city of gotham with a grey hair wig and a british accent then I can get you into a lot of trouble.

So overall Valentine's Day was pretty good after all, me and Selina even did something with extra extra love to it which was really great but I'm not going to say what it was because you might be a little mad at me…. Just know it was her idea, all her's and that she tricked me into it by locking the bedroom door and all the windows and she hid away the keys!


	130. The Day After April Fools' Day (DFT)

**YESTERDAY…**

Jack Kerr was just walking around Wayne Manor, plotting evil schemes like a good psychopath when he decided that he needed to go and get something from his room. So he climbed the stairs and approached his bedroom, where he found a gigantic cake waiting there for him.

"Wow," he said. "What the hell did Jonny drug me with?"

"It's not a hallucination, Mister J!" squeaked a voice from inside the cake. "Now guess what flavor this cake is!"

"It'd better be a strong alcohol flavor."

"Nope! It's…" then, Harleen Quinzel burst through the top of the cake wearing a bear costume. "Bear-amisu! April Fools!"

"You were about to suffocate in there, weren't you?"

"Oh yeah. If you didn't come in the next few minutes, I would've passed out." Harley jumped down from the cake. "How come you're not surprised?"

Jack sighed, "Harley, on April Fools', everyone's expecting you to pull a prank, so when you do, it's not funny anymore!"

"Gee, Mister J, I guess you're right." Harley frowned.

Jack grinned and wiped some of the cake off of Harley's face. "Don't be sad, my little harlequin, for today is the greatest day a prankster could ask for. It's…"

* * *

 **BUCKET OF WATER PRANK**

Alfred decides that it's time to make lunch, so he makes his way to the kitchen. He finds that the door is closed, so he opens it and starts to head inside, but a bucket full of water that had been placed on top of the doorway comes pouring down on him, drenching him.

Jack and Harley pop out and scream, "DAY AFTER APRIL FOOLS'!"

"What are you talking about?" Alfred asks.

"No one's going to expect pranks on the day _after_ April Fools'!" Jack laughs, as Harley films the prank on a video camera. "It's time to get pranky!"

* * *

 **UMBRELLA PRANK (GONE WRONG)**

Oswald Cobblepot – the Penguin – is in the middle of getting his money out of a gangster who owed him some dough. As his henchman Gabe beat the crap out of the guy, the gangster finally yelled, "Okay, okay! I'll get you your money!"

Oswald smiles, "Thank you. Gabe – my umbrella?"

Gabe hands him his closed, black umbrella and he opens it, but once he puts it over his head, blue paint comes down from it, covering Oswald in the sticky paint. Jack and Harley jump out from the corner and yell, "DAY AFTER APRIL FOOLS'!"

"That's what you get for having an umbrella when it's not raining!"

And that was all they could say before Penguin chased them with a machine gun.

* * *

 **SPANKING MY FRIENDS PRANK! (GONE WRONG) (GONE SEXUAL)**

Sean Ornelas was in the study of Wayne Manor, lying on his stomach and reading a book. Creeping up behind him was Selina Kyle. That boy had missed out on the previous two spanking sessions, and Selina wasn't going to take it. She got up close behind him and brought her hand back on his rear, but when she spanked him with her bare hand…

"Ow!" she yelled, as a metal _clang_ sound vibrated everywhere. Sean turned around and pulled the hard metal plate out of his pants.

"DAY AFTER APRIL FOOLS'!" Jack and Harley yelled, filming the entire thing. Unfortunately, the footage after that was very shaky, as they were running away from Cat, who still had one good hand left for spanking.

* * *

 **BRUCE WAYNE IS SCARED OF BATS? (SOCIAL EXPERIMENT!) (GONE WRONG) (GONE SEXUAL)(GONE VIOLENT)!1!**

Bruce was starting to get up from his afternoon nap. He stood up, stretched, but quickly noticed something behind him.

There's a scream from inside Wayne Manor, and Jack and Harley are filming as Bruce runs as fast as he can with a plastic bat on a fishing pole attached to his back. He doesn't get far as Ivy Pepper walks in the way, and the two collide with each other. He falls on top of her, and just like in most animé clichés, his hand ends up on her breast.

"DAY AFTER APRIL FOOLS'!" Jack and Harley yell, filming as Bruce gets the crap beaten out of him by Ivy, again like in most cliché animé.

* * *

 **WHAT'S IN THE DRINKS AT SIRENS? – SOCIAL EXPERIMENT PRANK (GONE VIOLENT) (GONE WRONG) (18+)(NSFW!)(HER REACTION IS CRAZY!)**

After Barbara and Tabitha had just yelled, "FREE SHOTS!" to everyone in their nightclub, nearly fifty people were chugging down shots, including those two. Then, Jack and Harley popped up from under the bar.

"DAY AFTER APRIL FOOLS'!" they yelled.

Tabitha growled, "What, you pulled a prank on us? What did you do?"

"We put stuff in the drinks!" Harley smirked.

Jack giggled, "Yeah, we put knockout pills in half of them and laxatives in the other half!"

Then, a few of the people in the nightclub started falling down unconscious while another few were running to the bathroom as fast as they could. Tabitha's stomach started grumbling, and she started running to the bathroom. She killed a few people in order to get there.

"I'll never get there in time!" Barbara gasped. "This is a new dress! Please be knockout pills! Please be knockout pills!" She started swaying back and forth and smiled, "Yes!" and then fell unconscious.

* * *

 **KILLER CLOWN MURDER PRANK ON GIRLFRIEND (EXTREME!)**

All of the kids, Alfred, and the rest of their friends from Gotham were all gathered in the living room of Wayne Manor, waiting for Jack and Harley to come down the stairs. Once they did, Alfred stood up and sighed,

"Mister Kerr? Miss Quinzel? You need to stop. We've seen the title of your next prank. It's gone too far and it's not a joke anymore. You can't f*cking commit felonies and then expect it to be okay because you called it a prank!"

"What?" Jack asked, grabbing the video camera and looking at the video titles. "Oh, this one? Oh, this isn't one of our pranks. This is an actual prank video that you can find on YouTube right now!"

Everyone just looked amongst themselves awkwardly, and Harley nodded, "Yeah, the internet is f*cked up."


	131. Bruce Fights Crime

**So I'm still alive! Yeah… sorry about that. I still owe you two chapters for Request Month, and since I've gotten reviews and PMs asking for some more chapters about Bruce, here you go. Next week will be another request, and then there will be a story arc that I've been planning since January. This is written by Bullock.**

Log Number Three:

Hey, it's Bullock here with the Acting Captain's log. And get ready, because today was a doozy. It all started when Jim got a phone call from Alfred down here at the police precinct. I think Jim's getting tired of Alfred's calls because it always means that the kids have gotten up to something that more likely than not involved some type of explosive.

"Hello, Detective Gordon," he said. "Might I ask you for a favor? Master Bruce wants to practise his crime-fighting, so I sent him, Miss Pepper, and Miss Quinzel down to the precinct. Might they volunteer to go on your rounds with you?"

Jim stuttered, "Yeah, umm… I have a headache and I'm coming down with a cold, so maybe the kids could just stay at home?"

"Yeah, about that…?"

"Hey, everybody!" Harley yelled as she, Ivy, and Bruce burst through the door. All of the cops in the precinct sighed a collective, "Ah sh*t", and the three came up to Jim and I. That's when we saw that Bruce was wearing black duct tape wrapped all around himself covering up his body and a black cape on his back. There was also a black cowl with tiny pointed ears sticking up on top.

"Bruce, what are you wearing?" Jim asked.

He crossed his arms and spoke in a raspy voice like he was fighting throat cancer. "I'm Gotham's newest crime-fighting vigilante!"

"But if you're being supervised by a cop, doesn't that negate the definition of vigil-"

"I AM THE NIGHT!" He then grabbed his cape and ran off towards the police car.

I sighed and asked Ivy and Harley, "Why are you two here then? Where are the others?"

Ivy shrugged, "Look at the kid. He's wrapped in duct tape. We're here to make sure he doesn't get killed. And the others are out there giving Bruce something to do."

"Oh well that's… wait, what do mean _giving him something to do_?"

Then, I got a call on my cell phone from Alvarez on the field. I asked him what happened, and he yelled, "Arkham breakout! Eduardo Flamingo was broken out of Arkham by a teenage girl in black leather and a teenage boy with some ridiculous abs!"

I paused.

"What?" he said. "I said that for identification!"

Jim sighed, "Ugh, okay let's go."

So we went ahead to the police cruiser where Bruce was waiting in the back, and Harley and Ivy followed us. Ivy hopped in the front with me while Jim sat in the back with Bruce and Harley, and we drove off to Arkham Asylum.

As soon as we got there, the place had been evacuated. Guards were all standing outside. Jim went up to one of the guards and asked, "What's happening in there?"

"It's madness! The Flamingo has made an alliance with the Mad Hatter and they're trying to free the other prisoners!"

Jim sighed, "Okay, so I think we should approach this rationally and with plan-"

"I AM VENGEANCE!" Bruce yelled as he ran as fast as he could into the asylum. Jim and I, used to this kind of behaviour, just walked in after him.

He tried to run and charge at the door, but it turns out that the door wasn't locked, so he just fell on his face on the other side. Ivy waved her hand and two vines grew up from the ground and helped him back on his feet. Suddenly, we heard some talking from around the corner. We snuck up right to the corner to listen. It sounded like Mad Hatter and Flamingo were making plans.

"Okay," Flamingo said. "There's a control box in the front office that controls all of the cells. I'll go and disable it to free the inmates while you hold off any cops that might come in."

"Wait," Jervis said. "I'm just a hypnotist and you're the assassin. Shouldn't _I_ be the one disabling the control box and _you_ be the one who's holding off- oh, and you're already gone."

"FREEZE!" Bruce yelled, jumping out from behind the corner with his fists up.

Jervis looked around and said, "I'm not Mr. Freeze. I'm the Mad Hatter."

"Really?" I asked, looking up. "Are you proud of that joke?"

 **"** **Not really,"** said The_Riddler95.

Bruce jumped up and kicked Jervis in the face. Jervis went flying backwards onto the ground. Bruce stepped forward to keep hitting him, but suddenly, Jervis leaned up and held up a pocket watch, swinging it back and forth. Suddenly, Bruce was stuck in a trance while the rest of us covered our eyes and ears.

Jervis stood up and grinned, whispering to Bruce, "Now you're my slave and you'll listen to my every command. Give yourself a wedgie."

Bruce reached to the back of his costume, grabbed the back of his underpants, and pulled hard. Then, he made a sound like a giraffe in puberty in the bathroom after taking a laxative. Did not sound pleasant.

Then, Harley tried to swing at Jervis with her giant hammer, but she accidentally opened her eyes and got hypnotized by the watch. Jervis laughed and said, "Now give him another wedgie."

Harley grabbed the back of Bruce's underwear and pulled it so hard that it ripped right out of his costume. He was still standing up because of the hypnosis, but… let's just say Selina was going to check if his down-below still worked properly.

Then, two vines sprung up from the ground and grabbed Jervis' legs, dragging him backwards. He dropped the watch, and Bruce and Harley snapped out of their trances. Harley shot Jervis in the face with a boxing glove gun, and Bruce kicked him in the face, knocking him out. Once that was done, he fell to the ground clutching his genitals and screamed in pain.

"You ripped my underwear out?!" he yelled.

Harley shrugged, "Sorry."

When he was done, all of us ran as quickly as we could to the front office, where we came in just in time to see Flamingo almost pressing the button to release all of the of prisoners.

"STOP RIGHT THERE, EDUARDO!" I yelled. He turned around and grinned evilly.

"Check where we are, Detectives. We're on the top floor, so Plant Girl can't summon her vines, and since these are gas pipes I'm standing next to, you wouldn't dare shoot. The only way you beat me is with good old-fashioned fisticuffs, and none of you can beat me before I press this button. I win, Detectives!"

"Wait," Bruce said. "I have a deal for you. You and me fight hand-to-hand. If I win, you go to jail. If you win, you get to press the button."

Flamingo grinned for a second before laughing, "How dumb do you think I am? That's literally the most dumbass thing a villain could agree to. Now prepare for a city running with blood!"

Right when he was about to press the button, something else happened thankfully. We heard some very angry, very british curse words coming from down the hall, and Alfred came in dragging Selina, Jack, Jonny, and Sean by the collars of their shirts.

"I told you lot that you could help Master Bruce train, not release a bloody inmate from the asylum!" He turned to look at us and yelled, "Is this him?"

"That's him." Jonny said. "The one dressed in all black with a pink feather on his head like an edgy homosexual."

Flamingo didn't even have time to react before Alfred charged in and beat the crap out of him with his bare hands. In four seconds flat, he was a pulp that Alfred was dragging back to his cell, muttering, "These damn stupid kids, I don't know why I bother, I can't even-"

Jim patted Bruce on the back and sighed, "Don't worry. You'll catch a bad guy someday."


	132. Penguin vs The Executioner

**Hi, guys. So I know that I haven't been uploading very frequently, but there's nothing I can do about that. The end of the school year is coming, and I just have no time. Don't worry though, because school is only for another few weeks or so, and then it's summer break, so I'm just asking for a little more patience. Anyway, if you haven't seen the photos of the Executioner's new costume yet…**

Dear Diary,

Today started with a ringing at the doorbell and furious knocking on the front door. It was just three o'clock in the morning and the sun wasn't up. All of the kids were sound asleep in their beds—well, except for Mister Crane. He liked staying up at night in the living room. He was waiting for me when I went down the stairs and opened the door.

"Alfred!" Penguin yelled. The man looked exhausted and was covered with dirt and water. "Alfred, you've got to help me!"

"Mister Penguin?" I asked. "It's three in the morning."

"I know! I was about to go to bed, but someone's after me!"

"Who?" Mister Crane asked.

"It's Barnes! He's gone insane! He broke into my house and started yelling that I was guilty or something. I only escaped by jumping into a sewer and running over here!"

"Wait… you can't get here through the sewers…" I said.

Penguin shrugged, "Someone put up a sign of an arrow pointing into the sewer and saying _shortcut to Wayne Manor_."

We heard snickering coming from upstairs.

"Anyway, you've got to help me!" Penguin yelled. "He was chasing me! He's going to be here any minute! And he's wearing a—"

"GUILTY!" We heard the yell coming from upstairs. Penguin grabbed a knife off the table and held it shakily. Mister Crane grabbed two gas bombs and I got my shotgun, and the three of us ran up the stairs as fast as we could. There was no one we saw, but the kids' bedroom door was open. We carefully approached and flung open the door to find…

The kids were rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically. The window was open, and standing in front of them was Captain Barnes. Over his eyes was a bunch of black eyeshadow and he was wearing a giant metal outfit with rows of grenades on the belt and black armour plating everywhere. Attached to his hand was a golden blade attached to a gauntlet. I think that I had to stifle a small chuckle.

"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?!" he yelled.

Through thick, manic laughter, Mister Kerr said, "He looks like a boiled egg cosplaying at a Mad Max convention!"

"Was that designed by a thirteen-year-old goth kid who just discovered what a grenade is?" Miss Kyle guffawed.

"I AM THE EXECUTIONER!" Barnes yelled. "I'M HERE TO EXECUTE OSWALD COBBLEPOT!"

"Why?" Mister Ornelas asked. "Because his hair makes him the only one in this city more emo than you?"

Suddenly, it appeared that Barnes just noticed Penguin standing behind me. Barnes pointed to him with the gold blade on his arm and bellowed, "YOU ARE GUILTY, COBBLEPOT! YOU WILL BE EXECUTED!"

"Wait!" I said. "Murder is not the right way to do this. If you want to kill Penguin, you'll have to go through all of us!"

"MY QUARREL IS NOT WITH THE INNOCENT OF GOTHAM!"

"They're not innocent!" Penguin squeaked. "These kids have eighty-seven counts of vandalism, breaking and entering, and public nudity amongst them, and their butler was once arrested for GTA-ing a car and then getting tasered in the face!"

I sighed and turned back to the cheeky bugger. "You know, I just defended you."

"Sorry," he whispered. "Force of habit."

"THEN YOU ARE ALL GUILTY AND MUST BE EXECUTED!" Barnes yelled. Mister Ornelas grabbed his bo staff from nearby and hit him over the head with it. Barnes was completely fine, and the staff broke in two.

"Oh sh*t." he said. Mister Crane threw a gas bomb to Barnes' feet, and smoke exploded clouding his vision. All of us ran down the stairs and into the living room, where we grabbed the rest of our weapons. We heard him coming down the stairs as well, screaming that we needed to be executed.

"You _had_ to come here, Penguin!" Miss Kyle yelled.

"Mister Crane," I said. "Do you have anything potent enough to knock him out?"

Mister Crane said, "If that bomb I threw didn't affect Barnes, I doubt I have anything that will."

"Oh, not Barnes. I meant Penguin." I said. "I suggest that we knock out Cobblepot and throw him in the middle of town square for Barnes to chase around."

"Hey!" Penguin yelled. "I came here because I trust you all. You're all the closest things I have to friends right now."

"Aww," Miss Quinzel said. "That'd be cute if we weren't all about to die."

There was rumbling as Barnes stomped down the stairs. I aimed my shotgun and said, "Mister Crane and Miss Pepper, you cover us. We'll hit him with everything we have."

Barnes jumped down from the stairs, roaring for Penguin. Mister Crane sprayed gas at him. Flowers sprung up through the floor and started spraying him with toxin until he was covered in a thick cloud of gas. The rest of the kids shot everything they had at him, and Penguin sprayed him with bullets. Except…

"YOU WILL ALL BE EXECUTED!" yelled Barnes as he stepped out of the smoke, completely fine as if we had done nothing. The bullets and weapons just bounced off of his armour and overly-shiny head.

"So…" Miss Pepper said. "Should we run?"

"I'd say so," Master Bruce said. Then, we opened the front door and started to run as quickly as we could.

Barnes was stomping after us, but because of the gigantic armour, he was really slow and fell down a bunch of times. Miss Kyle was running towards the streets, so we all followed her. After running down the street and into the slums of town, we ended up in an alley where Miss Kyle jumped into a dumpster.

"Are you serious?" Miss Quinzel asked.

Miss Kyle peeked over the top of the dumpster and shrugged, "Would you rather stay out there and get killed by punk-rock Exeggutor?"

So we all jumped into the dumpster and closed the lid. Miss Pepper made a flower grow in the palm of her hand that lit up in the dark.

"Okay," Mister Ornelas said, "So what's the best way to abandon Penguin? I say we just knock him out and make a run for it."

"Ooh, can I do it?" Mister Kerr grinned, holding up his boxing glove gun to the fear in Penguin's eyes.

I sighed, "Even if we abandon Cobblepot, Barnes will still be after us. What we need to do is get him off of our trail. But how?"

"Well, he's after us because we're guilty, right?" Master Bruce asked.

So we made the plan, and decided it was time to execute the plan once we heard the heavy stomping of footsteps and the hysterical laughter of the citizens watching. We all sat in the dumpster, completely silent. Then, the plan began.

With Barnes watching, Master Bruce jumped out of the dumpster and said, "Hello there, fellow citizen. I was just on my way to volunteer at the orphanage, reading the Bible to disabled children."

Barnes huffed, "GOOD WORK, INNOCENT CITIZEN. DO YOU KNOW WHERE I COULD FIND THE GUILTY MAN KNOWN AS OSWALD COBBLEPOT AND THE KIDS HELPING HIM OUT?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't know who you're talking about. If you'd please excuse me, I need to hurry up and get to the orphanage, since I'm going to be late to my duties chewing food for the elderly at the retirement home."

"WAIT…" Barnes yelled, making Master Bruce freeze. Slowly, Barnes pointed at him and yelled, "YOUR SHOELACES ARE UNTIED! YOU ARE ENDANGERING THE LIVES OF CITIZENS WHO COULD TRIP! YOU ARE GUILTY AND MUST BE EXECUTED!"

"What? No! I was just—" then he ran as fast as he could, Barnes chasing him. Once Barnes was gone, we all jumped out of the dumpster and I called him on my cell phone.

"Bruce, lead him to the rendezvous point. We'll meet you there." Then, all of us ran to the nearest car and Miss Kyle hotwired it, letting us drive off to the drop-off point.

We were the first ones to arrive there, but the heavy footsteps followed shortly behind, followed by the laughing citizens. He was going to have to rethink that costume later. Finally, he was there at the front door of the Sirens nightclub.

"GUILTY!" we heard Barnes yell, just as he barged in and everything went silent. All of the club guests just stared at Barnes and started laughing while Master Bruce ran to us, panting in exhaustion. Then, Barbara Kean walked in.

"Why's everyone laughing?" she asked.

Barnes pointed at her. "ARE YOU GUILTY?"

She giggled, "Pfft, ask my therapist, who I gave PTSD to."

"GUILTY!" and then Barnes started chasing Barbara, who ran away screaming.

Penguin, who was standing behind me, laughed, "Ha! We sure showed him!"

Penguin then received a punch in the face and fell down unconscious.


	133. DFT: Meanwhile, at the Court of Owls

The Court of Owls—Gotham city's secret evil society that rules it from the shadows—were having a meeting in their headquarters. At the table, a few members of the Court were sitting waiting for their boss, Kathryn, to show up.

"So, gang, what sort of evil things will we do today?" said one member of the Court of Owls from behind the mask he was wearing.

"Actually, I was planning to just relax and play some basketball today," said another Court member. "Kathryn told me that nothing is planned for today, so it looks like we're going to have a nice relaxing—"

The door opened up, and in walked the Temple Shaman.

"Aww, sh*t," said the Court member.

Behind the Shaman, there was the clone of Bruce Wayne wearing nice clothes, walking in obediently. The Shaman stopped at the front of the room and said, "I have a plan for Gotham!"

"Is it as good as your plan to relieve stress in Gotham by having the circus come to town?" asked another Court member. "Because we're still picking up body parts from Jerome's Purge."

The Shaman glared at that member, but then regained his composure and continued to speak. "I have a plan to restore order in this city by having one of its citizens become a dark protector in the night—a symbol for Gotham's criminals to be afraid of. It's the only way that there's going to be law and order in this city."

"Or you could just build a precinct that people can't break into just by using a gang of brightly-dressed wrestlers," said another Court member.

"Wow, you guys are sassy today," the Shaman growled. "Anyway, I have decided that the citizen who will become this dark protector will be Bruce Wayne."

"Actually, there's this kid named Sean Ornelas who I think would—" said a Court member before being shot in the head by the Shaman.

"ANYONE ELSE WANT TO BACKTALK TODAY?!" he yelled, before doing a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down. "Anyway, I have to take Bruce Wayne up to my mountain hideout to train him. Meanwhile, his guardian, Alfred, can't know he's gone, which is why I hired Hugo Strange to create this exact clone. I'm going to need one of you to drug the real Bruce Wayne and replace him with the clone. Any questions?"

One of the Court members raised her hand. When the Shaman pointed to her, she asked, "Wouldn't it have been easier to just kill Alfred? He's the only one who checks up on Bruce Wayne."

The Shaman shrugged, "Hugo Strange was on a three-year contract, I'm getting my money's worth out of him."

Another Court member asked, "So your plan is to drug a teenage boy and drag him to your hideout?"

"Okay, well any plan sounds wrong when you word it like that,"

A third Court member asked, "So wait, that clone is exactly identical to Bruce Wayne in every way, right?"

"That's right."

"So if the clone were to have a sex change, and then the real Bruce Wayne impregnated it, would the resulting baby also be an exact clone of Bruce Wayne?"

That court member was then shot in the head by the Shaman.

* * *

Bruce and Selina were walking in the street together, on their way to meet Sonny Gilzean and his gang. A week ago, he stole a bra from Selina's closet and challenged Bruce to a fight in the street for possession of it. Since then, Selina had taught Bruce fifteen different types of crotch shots. Sonny was just across the street getting ready and punching the air in front of him.

"Okay, B, this is it," Selina grinned. "Make him cry. Make him beg for mercy. Make him kiss your ass."

"But I don't want him to kiss my ass," Bruce said.

"Figure of speech," Selina said. "Now knock him dead!"

Watching from the bushes nearby was the Shaman and the clone. Their plan was as soon as everyone's back was turned, they'd knock out Bruce and replace him with the clone and no one would know. Suddenly, the Shaman got a call on his cell phone from Ra's al Ghul.

"Hey, _Roz,"_ he said.

"It's _Raysh!"_ Ra's said. "Why is it so hard for people to correctly pronounce my name?!"

"I thought it was _Razz"_ The clone said.

"Are you almost done at the grocery store yet?" Ra's asked. "I have literally nothing to drink up here except magical life water, which I also bathe in."

"Wait, what?" the Shaman asked.

Ra's sighed, "You know, the mango juice? You bought me mango juice and I wanted apple juice, so I told you to go to the grocery store and exchange the juices."

Suddenly, the Shaman realized, "Ohh… you said _exchange the juices._ I thought you said _change the Bruces."_

 _"_ _Change the Bruces?"_ Ra's asked confusedly. "What are you talking about? Who's Bruce?"

"Uhhh, no one, I'll be right there!" the Shaman said, hanging up the phone and looking to the clone beside him. "Well, I screwed up. Sorry I created you for nothing."

"So now what?" the clone asked.

"Well, you were kept in cryo-sleep for a few years, so you're technically over eighteen. Wanna grab a beer?"

"Sure. Can I call you 'daddy'?"

"Sure, son. Sure."


	134. DFT: Grad Pranks

Selina, Jack, and Harley had just come through the door of Wayne manor in their graduation caps and gowns. They had just come home from graduating from grade ten of high school. The others were out celebrating, but they were tired from the antics they had pulled that day, so they just laid on the couch.

"Well, we have two more years of school," Harley said. "And then it's the real world."

"Yeah, can't wait," Selina sighed. "So, what graduation pranks did you guys pull today?"

Jack laughed, "Oh yeah, it was awesome. In the morning, I replaced all of the textbooks with copies of Fifty Shades of Grey."

"Ha!" Harley giggled. "Did you get in trouble for it?"

"Nope, my science teacher is blind. He just went along with it. He handed out copies of Fifty Shades and told us to do the exercise on page 137. Ivy had a good day. Her lab partner did not."

"Nice one," Selina said. "I stole Bruce and Sean's clothes while they were changing for gym. I told them I hid them in the school kitchen and they had to run around naked finding them."

"The school doesn't have a kitchen," Harley said.

"Exactly!" Selina laughed. "They didn't figure it out for twenty minutes."

"Well, I took a mannequin and dressed it up to look like a real person from the waist down. Then, I put it on its knees and superglued it to the floor of the bathroom stall in the guys' locker room." Harley said.

Selina said, "Ohh… that was a mannequin? Yeah, that was the reason I stole Sean's clothes."

Harley nodded. "So, now what do we do?"

"Well, we should run." Jack said. "Because I'm pretty sure that the others have told Alfred about us by now."

The front door then opened, and the sound of Alfred's thunderous roaring alerted the three to start running.

 **So yeah, new chapters coming soon, I promise! Also, remember the episode parodies that I used to do? Well, I'm picking that story back up with a new parody of 'Destiny Calling', so stay tuned for that!**


	135. (DFT) Gotham Roast

"Hey, Jack," Selina said, walking up to him as he was sitting on the couch.

He waved back, "What's up, Cat?"

She shrugged, "I don't know. I'm bored. Want to go and roast some people?"

"You mean like those cringy YouTube videos where people start up drama for no reason?"

"Yeah."

Jack thought for a while and then shrugged, "Yeah sure."

* * *

Edward Nygma was in a warehouse preparing his newest deathtrap for the GCPD when Cat came up behind him and said,

"Hi, I'm Edward Nygma and I look like a leprechaun had sex with Sheldon Cooper. BWAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

* * *

Leslie Thompkins was walking down the street to the post office when Jack came up behind her and said,

"Hi, I'm Lee Thompkins, and I dramatically leave and come crawling back to Gotham so often that I'm known by name at the train station. BWAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Detective Gordon was sitting at his desk doing some police work when Cat came up behind him and said,

"Hi, I'm Jim Gordon and I have two facial expressions—constipated, and shitting diarrhea. BWAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Tabitha Galavan was sitting at the bar of Sirens having a drink when Jack came up behind her and said,

"Hi, I'm Tabitha Galavan and I haven't used my supervillain name once this entire series. BWAAAAAHHHHHH!"

* * *

Barbara Kean was making her way to the office of Sirens to deal with some customers when Cat came up behind her and said,

"Hi, I'm Barbara Kean and I'm white privilege in human form. BWAAAAAHHHH!"

* * *

Harvey Dent was sitting in his office trying to settle a case when Jack came up behind him and said,

"Hi, I'm Harvey Dent and I'm the character equivalent of a fidget spinner: they brought me onto the show out of pressure and now they have no idea what to do with me, so now I just pop in every now and then to remind you all that Nicholas D'agasto is still alive. BWAAAAHHHH!"

* * *

Valerie Vale was sitting at a typewriter writing up some stories for the Gotham Gazette when Cat came up behind her and said,

"Hi, even I don't remember my name. Bwah?"

* * *

Bruce Wayne was sitting in his study reading a book when Jack came up behind him and said,

"Hi, I'm Bruce Wayne and how the f*ck am I still alive? BWAAAAHHHHH!"

* * *

The Executioner was sharpening the axe on his hand in an abandoned warehouse when Cat came up behind him and said,

"Hi, I'm Nathaniel Barnes and I look like the only things that can stave off my mid-life crisis are shopping sprees at Hot Topic. BWWWAAAHHH!"

* * *

Lucius Fox was writing up some math calculations in the coroner's office of the GCPD when Jack came up behind him and said,

"Hi, I'm Lucius Fox and if I wasn't the only black guy, my ass would have been dead in season 2. BWAAAHHHHH!"

* * *

Mr. Freeze was sitting in the refrigerator of Arkham Asylum tampering with his freeze gun when Cat came up behind him and said,

"Hi, I'm Mr. Freeze, and the writers really should have thought me through some more. BWWAAAHHHH!"

* * *

The_Riddler.95 was sitting on his bed typing out a new chapter for his story on his laptop when Jack came up behind him and said,

"Hi, I'm The_Riddler.95 and I can't tell the difference between 'new chapter every Sunday' and 'new chapter every two months'. BWAAAAHHHHH!


	136. Beware

Dear Diary,

Today started with a phone call from Robert Quinzel, who was Miss Quinzel's father. Last I heard, he was in France expanding his business empire, but he could be in any number of places by now. It had been a while since we've talked since he and his wife really didn't seem too concerned with Miss Quinzel's wellbeing. He spoke first,

"Hello, Alfie," he said.

"Please don't call me Alfie," I said back.

He sighed, "The missus and I just wanted you to know that we'll be back in Gotham soon to see our little Harleen, so please alert her and we'll be by Wayne Manor in just a few hours."

And then he hung up. Well, I supposed that meant that I should get Wayne Manor tidied up and the kids all in order for their arrival. So I headed downstairs to try to get some cleaning done when all of a sudden, I heard a very loud knocking sound at the door and an excited scream. When I went to the front door, I found Miss Quinzel with her arms wrapped around her mother and father.

"You know," I said, "Usually when people say 'in just a few hours', they mean they're going to drop by in a few hours."

"There was a time difference from the flight," Mrs. Quinzel said.

"Wait, how—"

"Come on, Harleen," Mr. Quinzel said. "Let's go spend some money."

"I love spending money!" she said, and left out the front door with her parents. Well, I supposed that she had been away from them for a long time.

After the three had slammed the door shut, I heard some footsteps coming down the stairs. I went to the base of the staircase to go see and found Miss Kyle and Mister Ornelas coming. Except Mister Ornelas wasn't wearing a shirt….

"Mister Ornelas?" I asked. "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

He shrugged, "Dunno, didn't feel like it. Now if you'll excuse me, Selina wants to watch me work out in the cave."

"And you're letting her?"

But I was too late in my response, as the two already bumped past me and made their way for the stairway behind the fireplace, Miss Kyle's left hand on his shoulder and her right hand on his bottom. Well, I knew who was responsible for that.

I ran up the stairs and went straight to the kids' room, where of course Mister Crane and Miss Pepper were there on the bed reading a book.

"You two," I yelled, "So… was it plant pollen or gas?"

They both looked up at me very slowly and said at the same time in monotone, "What do you mean?" but that wasn't going to get them off the hook this time. That wasn't going to creep me out and make me run away like all the other times.

"Why else would Mister Ornelas be prancing about with his shirt off?" I asked.

"Maybe Cat finally broke him," Miss Pepper said. "She went out yesterday and bought this giant bird cage. I think he finally snapped after that."

"Where the hell did she find someone who makes giant bird cages?"

 **MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN….**

Needing help with a client who had betrayed her, Barbara walked into the living room of the Van Dahl mansion yelling, "Ozzy? Penguin, are you—" and then she turned the corner and found the man sitting in the middle of a giant bird cage.

Barbara sighed, "You know dude, most of us finished this type of experimentation back in college."

"Don't you dare assume my gender!" Penguin yelled. "I sexually identify as a penguin!"

 **BACK AT WAYNE MANOR….**

I sighed to Miss Pepper and Mister Crane, "Whatever you two did to Mister Ornelas, I expect an antidote made by this afternoon."

"We told you already, we didn't do it," Mister Crane said.

And then, just before I could respond to that, Master Bruce and Mister Kerr walked into the room. Master Bruce tapped me on the shoulder and Mister Kerr said, "So we found Sean's pants right near the entrance to the cave…"

So some time went by and Miss Quinzel still hadn't returned, and so I took to start making the other kids lunch. I prepared some pie for them and they all sat down at the kitchen table and ate together. Halfway through lunch, I heard the front door opening and someone immediately running quickly up the stairs. I went to go and see what was happening, and Miss Quinzel's parents were both standing at the doorway both looking very confused.

I went up to them and asked, "What's wrong? What happened?"

Mr. Quinzel shrugged and said, "I don't know. Harleen just ran up the stairs."

We were soon met with the sound of a bedroom door being slammed shut. I knew that I had to go up and see what had happened.

I came up the stairs and gently opened the door to find Miss Quinzel sitting on her bed with her face in her hands, sobbing. A part of me wanted to go back downstairs to get Mister Kerr or one of the other kids, but I knew that I was the one that she needed to talk to. I went in and sat down beside her.

"Alfred," she said, her voice trembling. She apparently noticed me. "My parents are flying to France later today and they're staying there. They want me to come with them."

I nodded, "Well, that's not so bad, is it?"

"I'm going to have to leave you and all the others!" she cried. "I don't know what to do."

"Well, it appears you should follow your heart. I think that's all any of us can do when faced with a situation like this. But just so you know, I and everyone downstairs really care about you. If you decide to go, we'll all be here for you if you decide to come back."

"Do you mean that?" she asked, turning to me.

I nodded, and she leaned in and hugged me.

It was decided, and she started packing her things. She had been staying at the manor for so long that she had a lot of things to pack. The other kids weren't happy, but they understood. If anything, it was Mister Kerr who said the least. He helped her pack, but other than that, I don't think he said a word to her. In fact, once all the kids were lined up at the door to say goodbye to her, he wasn't even there. I have no idea where he was.

Miss Quinzel's parents were waiting for her at the limousine. From what I heard, they'd stay at a hotel for a bit until the flight was arranged.

"Guys," Miss Quinzel said, "Living here with you for as long as I have been has been a blast. I promise I'll never forget any of you."

"Aww, Harley," Miss Kyle sighed, and hugged her. All of the kids joined in on a group hug—even a nearly naked Mister Ornelas. Once they were done, Miss Quinzel took a solemn, final step out of our doorway and drove off.

"I'm going to miss her." Master Bruce said.

I nodded, "It'll be a bit quieter around here, that's for sure."

Miss Pepper suddenly asked, "So is Jack going to come down from his bedroom, or…"

Just then, the mansion erupted with Mister Kerr's loud sobbing. Perhaps it wasn't going to be quieter after all.


	137. The

Dear Diary,

So last night was interesting. Please keep in mind that Wayne Manor has nineteen bedrooms and the kids and I sleep on practically opposite ends of the building, and even I couldn't sleep from the combination of Mister Kerr's erratic sobbing and Miss Kyle's moans of pleasure. In the morning when I stomped down to the kitchen to make myself a pot of coffee, I found Mister Crane, Miss Pepper, and Master Bruce looking very sleep-deprived and sitting at the kitchen table.

"You lot didn't get any sleep last night either?" I asked.

They all shook their heads.

I nodded. "So… coffee?"

They all nodded in agreement, and I went to fetch the pot. After I poured them all a mug, I came back and found Miss Kyle waddling down the stairs with her legs frozen apart, wincing with each step. We waited for her to say something. Instead, she just came to the bottom of the steps and sighed, "Best…night…ever."

"Yeah? Hope it was," Master B said, annoyed.

She sat down next to Mister Crane and Miss Pepper and asked, "So how long until whatever you two did to Sean wears off?"

Miss Pepper growled, "Why does everyone think that we did something to him?!"

"Because you used magic mushrooms to make me think I was a turtle," Master Bruce said.

"Because you used fear gas to make me afraid of showering," Miss Kyle said.

"Because you used pollen to make me—" I started, before we heard a thudding coming down the stairs. Mister Ornelas, wearing only his white briefs, was approaching the kitchen table, dragging Mister Kerr behind him by the foot. Mister Kerr sighed dejectedly while being dragged on the floor like a garbage bag. Once Mister Ornelas got to the table, he sat down and said,

"Hey old man, whip up some eggs, will you?" he demanded, slinging his arm around Miss Kyle.

While he did that, Mister Kerr sighed heavily again and didn't get up.

"You really miss Harley, huh?" Miss Pepper asked.

He just sighed, "She was my one true love, and now she's gone."

"You know you didn't even say goodbye to her, right?" Mister Crane asked.

And that just triggered him even more, as he started sobbing again, very loudly.

Miss Kyle jumped off of her chair and grinned, "Looks like you need some cheering up. Why don't we all hit up Sirens and grab a few dri—"

"Ahem," I said.

"—non-alcoholic drinks," Miss Kyle continued, "and we can just talk about this, okay? Who's in?"

"I'll go," Mister Crane said. "Barbara owes me some stuff."

"And I'm not leaving my little kitty," Mister Ornelas said.

So I got in the car and drove Miss Kyle, Mister Crane, Mister Ornelas, and a sobbing Mister Kerr off to Sirens. The drive didn't take long, and soon we were in a bustling club. When we came to the front entrance, Miss Galavan was standing at the entrance with her whip in hand.

"Oh… it's you people," she said. "What do you want?"

"Yeah, whatever, Tabby," Mister Ornelas said. "Listen, you got some whips and a bedroom for kitty and me?"

Miss Galavan scoffed, "What do you think I am, some kind of prostitute?"

"Do you have them?"

"Maybe."

With that, the two skipped into the club.

Mister Kerr looked to Mister Crane with wet, whimpering eyes and sighed, "Well, I guess it's just you and me now, buddy. You know, I've felt so lonely with Harley gone."

"Love is nothing more than a chemical reaction engineered by natural selection to keep us unable to resist bringing more life into this meaningless, spiralling existence of ours."

And then Mister Kerr ran inside crying, followed by Mister Crane. I sighed and turned to Miss Galavan.

"I suppose I'll go wait in the car," I said. I turned back to go walk back to the car, but I felt a hand on my shoulder pulling me back. When I turned back, Miss Galavan was holding me in my place.

"Hold on there," she said. "I think that Barbara would like to see you. She needs help with something."

"I don't think I like where this is going."

But I don't think that I was in a position to bargain with an assassin trained by the order of St. Dumas, and so I just decided to come along with her into the club. While Mister Kerr and Mister Crane were sitting at the bar and Miss Kyle grabbed a whip off the table, I followed Miss Galavan across the club, down a staircase, and into a dark room that I think might have been an attic or some type of root cellar.

It was dark, but I could make out a few people in the room. There were about ten, including Miss Kean and Mister Gilzean. Once I made my way down the stairs, Miss Galavan immediately turned on the lights and ran back up the stairs, shutting the door behind her and locking it. I didn't think that was a good sign.

And yes, there were about ten tough-looking men and women in leather jackets all surrounding Miss Kean and Mister Gilzean, who looked rather skittish with the flamethrower that he had attached to the stump where his hand used to be.

"Alfred!" she grinned at me, still training a gun on the gang surrounding her. "So glad to see you."

As soon as she said that, she pulled the trigger and shot one of the women in the head. The rest of them all jumped into action. In an attempt to fight them off, Miss Kean hit one in the back of the head with the handle of her gun, Mister Gilzean switched his flamethrower on, and since they were also coming at me, I was forced to punch one in the face. The others tried to grab me and pin me to the wall, so I had to break out of the group and throw another one into the wall.

"What is the meaning of this?!" I yelled at Miss Kean.

"I kinda owe these guys some money that I didn't want to pay and they wanted to brawl," she said, kicking off her high heels and then jamming it into a guy's head, "So I told Tabby to find a tough guy to help out!"

"So why isn't she down here helping?" I asked, throwing a woman into another man.

"Because _someone_ needs to run the bar," she said.

"And you think it shouldn't have been you or Mister Gilzean running the bar and the assassin down here fighting?"

"She doesn't trust me with the booze," Mister Gilzean growled while blasting a guy backwards with his flamethrower.

"Wait, your last name's Gilzean?" Miss Kean asked.

And so I punched out the last conscious goon, and soon the three of us had a pool of goons lying at our feet.

Miss Kean blew her hair back and sneered, "We make a good team, Alfie."

"Did I just do your dirty work for you?"

"It wasn't that dirty."

And so I went back up the stairs to see just what the kids were up to. And surprise—I found Mister Kerr and Mister Crane sobbing at the bar while downing shots of… I think it was water. I went up to them and asked, "Wait, Mister Crane, what are you crying about?"

"There's too much water in my body," he said, "I need to get it out."

"Wait," I asked again, "Where's Miss Kyle and Mister—"

Of course, my question was answered by a loud slapping sound coming from the back of the room. I ran to go and see what it was, past the bar and down the halls. The first place I decided to check was the rooms in the back, and it turns out that I know my kids better than I thought I did. I found Mister Ornelas was lying on a bed with his behind in the air yelling, "HARDER! HARDER! HARDER!"

Miss Kyle meanwhile was trying her best to spank him as hard as she could with a whip while Miss Galavan was standing behind her helping her with her form. Tabitha was doing things such as adjusting Miss Kyle's arm position and telling her which muscles to focus on while doing it.

When Miss Kyle noticed me coming through the doorway, she put the whip down and wiped the sweat off her brow. "Hey, Alf. What's up?"

"I think it would be wise to go home now," I said.

She looked up at Miss Galavan and then back at me with a heavy sigh, "Look, I have to tell you something. I think it would be good if I stayed here with Tabitha for a while."

"WHAT?!" Mister Ornelas yelled, jumping off the bed.

Miss Kyle shrugged, "Look at all she's taught me just in these few minutes. Imagine all the new things I'll learn. Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it."

Miss Kyle opened her arms and gave him a big hug. He sighed and said, "Okay, if that's what you want."

Miss Galavan put an arm around her and nodded at me, "I'll take care of her. She'll be back before you know it."

And so Mister Ornelas, Mister Kerr, Mister Crane and I went back to the car to drive home, and except for Mister Kerr's quiet whimpering, the car seemed just that tiny bit quieter. Although I couldn't help but notice one thing in the mirror. As Mister Ornelas looked backwards at the club growing smaller in the distance, something in his eyes appeared to turn black for just a second.


End file.
